Wednesday, January 31, 2007

All Stressed Up and No Place to Go

Today. was. DUMB.

It was cold.
I worked out at the pool. Yay...
but my muscles hurt SO BAD.
I watched Gilmore Girls with Mom. Yay!
But sitting that long on the Padres' chairs kicked my headache into overdrive. BIG TIME.

I do have physical therapy tomorrow, luckily. But even that... it is always so temporary. Not even temporarily perfect... Temporarily slight improvement.

Can I just... kick something? Or scream? Or punch something? I feel so frustrated right now with my health and the fact that NOTHING is helping and I have been working out and taking meds and waking up earlier (in the hopes that I will then fall asleep earlier) and I just feel so hopeless.

I have been coughing and breathing weird, too, thanks to this weather/pollution thing. Whatever it's called... Inversion. It's crap. And it makes it harder to exercise as hard as I should, too. I did do 100 crunches, etc. But I just feel awful. And my muscles ache (not blaming THAT on inversion.). And it's cold. AND MY HEAD HURTS ALL THE TIME. When will my head not hurt? Not just an annoying ache, either... but a pain where I can't think anymore.

That's when I feel like I would do ANYTHING to stop it. Take any medicine, inject it anywhere. Do anything to stop pain. To just sleep and not think or feel. It's those bad spells when I know why people do drugs... why they commit suicide... just to STOP things.

My head has been that bad several times. On the bright side, if I am ever able to get pregnant, like with help from fertility meds or something, I may not think child birth is that hard by comparison. I mean, I hate pain... but I am thinking it can't be as bad as pain I've had already. I am not just saying this, either. Doctors have said so. Compared to some of my stuff, contractions should be cake. Neat. Plus, at the end you get a prize for it. Granted, it's just a little lumpy pink person, but better than the crystals from my gall bladder, the lesions in my brain, or various other un-fun souvenirs I keep accumulating for my pain.

Just so you know, I am not actually baby hungry (Though just using the WORDS Baby Hungry makes me need to watch the Nutrigrain Ad a few times before I go to bed tonight to watch the scary lady who says "YEAH! Babies EVERYWHERE!"). In fact, okay, this may sound bad, especially if you HAVE babies because you people (Thai, Granola, Buck (will), etc.) have some of the CUTEST babies I know, but I don't really like babies that much. Even my favorite babies (T-La's kiddlets) I like in DOSES. Like they are cute for a little while but then I want them to go away until they get old enough to talk and say funny things. I love toddlers. But babies are weird. Anyway, the reason it came up, the whole baby thing, was talking with my mom during commercials because Suki on Gilmore Girls is preggy. Yes. We are retarded.

Anyway. I am off to watch the Nutrigrain commercial and try to cheer up before cutting up some mango for the suggies and going to bed. SIGH.


  1. Pain sucks. Really. I get it. I couldn't imagine many things more painful this summer than the sternum being sawed open and then getting drugs that made me puke -- or drugs that gave me a migraine -- or coughing or laughing or crying or sneezing (which still hurts) ... but I have drugs that help now. Sometimes. and a heating pad I wear inside my shirt while working. I'm sorry they haven't figured out anything for you yet.

    I'm glad someone's baby hungry -- my family can't figure out why I'm not yet. Pain kind of sucked that right out of me.

  2. This is going to sound lame but have you thought of having a blessing? I'm sorry you hurt so bad, its rough.

  3. I love that commercial, I hate the inversion more than I could ever say, and I am trying not to be baby hungry any longer.

  4. Man, I'm sorry. I keep praying that things will get better for you and that the doctors will figure it out. Sometimes life is just lame...and I wish I could keep that from happening.

  5. dude it's all good. I hate babies too. I mean, I loved my kid and all, but he was pretty boring, all babies are. I get really bored with other people's babies. They're cute (hopefully) but that's about it. Toddlerhood rocks, on the other hand.

  6. I couldn't post here for a couple of days.

    I'm sorry. Pain can suck.

    And I think you're insane for liking that ad so much.