Tuesday, January 9, 2007

crash and burn

I have been having a super sucky day. It's just stupid Depression stuff. I spent the day with my parents at my house, trying to get me Cable for Christmas. It was nice of them but I didn't even care. Then my mom didn't want to leave because she saw how I was. I wanted them to GO AWAY. But I was depressed anyway and Padre being there just multiplied it by 10 and it was just such a bad day, for no real reason, either.... just... being Me.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Because, apparently, I was way too happy. I feel like screaming and swearing and crying and sleeping... mostly sleeping and not waking up to thought.

I really really really like Fresno. Maybe even love him. I have told him about my Depression and ADHD and stuff. But even though he says he understands and stuff, I don't think he can. He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't, I don't even know me. Nobody deserves to have to deal with me on a full-time basis.

I just don't know how to tell him with out making him think there is another reason. How do you tell someone they are too good and nice to have to be with freak out crying girl? Without them arguing?


  1. Hey, sweetie.

    First of all, taking a mental health day and spending it in bed isn't a bad thing.

    Secondly, I understand depression more now that I'm married than before, even though I've had bouts of it off and on my entire adult life. Why now? Because my sweet husband has bipolar disorder and frequently crashes and burns, more so now that we're married than ever before in his entire life.

    Does that mean we shouldn't have gotten married? NOT AT ALL. Does that mean I hate him on his bad days or wish I hadn't married him? NO. I love him. And the good days far outweigh the bad. AND, he supports me when I'm having a rough day, too. And since we got married, I've had my fair share as well.

    We talked about our various mental health issues before we even got married ... and we decided divorce wasn't an option. Ever. Guess what? It still isn't. And even though hubby's downs sometimes make him think I'm going to leave or throw him out, we work through it and we're closer than ever afterward.

    If Fresno thinks he can deal with it, let him deal with it. After all, he loves you. The reality might be a bit harder than he thinks it is, but dude, the guy sounds amazing. And if he's doing the right things and praying about your relationship and where it's headed ... and so are you ... and you both get confirmation ... well then. Blessings and joy and love and happiness and sASSifaction heaped upon you ...

  2. There are men out there that can handle it. Jeremy is amazing with me. And all my many moods. It is possible. While I know he doesn't completly understand everything all the time, he loves me and doesn't judge.

  3. Hey,Girl,
    you are too hard on yourself. I know this because this kind of thinking will ruin your relationships, if you always feel unworthy to be loved by anyone, that is a devil you need to cast out and I mean quick! You are worthy of love and deserving of frienships by default just by being.

    I read something the other day and it was rather abstract but for some reason it struck me to the core: "Stand in your own space and know you are there."
    There is nothing wrong with realizing you have challenges and struggles. We deal with them better on somedays than we do on others. And who ever you deem worthy enough to invite into "your space" will either except the invitation or not. Those who do will surround you and support you no matter how big the crash and how hot the burn. Because you are worthy of it simply by being.

    One of my favorite sayings.."if God can make mold into penicillin, he can make me into something too"

    Girl, being in your space and know that you are there.

  4. Honey, stop trying to push Fresno away.

    As these other lovely ladies have stated, let him handle it. Especally if he's told you he's willing to!


  5. Kip, you know who put all that stuff into your head? Definately not God. Don't doubt yourself, everything will workout. Chin up.

  6. knock it off! you are lucky enough to find a man that wants to love you. LET HIM!

    that is all.

  7. I love you... and so do all of these people... and God. and Fresno. :)