Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Any Similarities to Rainbow Brite is Purely Coincidental

Anybody want some Smarties? Because what is up with the Trick-or-Treaters?! Is it too cold? Are kid's bigger wusses this year? Or is it because we are the ONLY house with so much as a PUMPKIN out in our complex even though we are right by a park and a school?! SIGH. So sad. I have SO MUCH CANDY HERE! We had like 15 kids ALL NIGHT and I was so excited for ANY Halloweentivity. SIGH.

Today I went to the nuerologist and got 3 injections at the base of my skull that felt like FIRE. They did help ( though not get RID of) the headache... but only for awhile. So I was really feeling in the need for some Halloweeny fun even though I had to lay down most of tonight. So I hurried home after the doctor, dressed up, and awaited Trick-or-Treaters. SIGH. At least my house was cute... and *I* was a cute-ish witch. Okay, not THAT cute. I still am shaped like me. And Okay, so someone thought I was trying to be Rainbow Brite in a witch hat. That was not intentional. But it may have been subliminal, I mean, being a child of the 80's and all.

I just wasn't thinking when I decided to randomly put on make up! Only I didn't really HAVE anything but some black eyeliner that I never wear and some lipstick that I never wear. And apparently the only thing my needled brain thought to do with that was sort of an ugly shooting star. In black. And red. Like a Goth Rainbow Brite. SIGH. But in the picture I am trying to show the OTHER side!

Anyway, that was Halloween. OH and I forgot to show you, my PUMPKIN! So here THAT is, Anyway, it has been a pretty long day with the injections and very very LONGNESS of the appointment and the fact that now that the temporary nerve blocker has worn off I am just as bad or worse and I feel like crap and missed going to either of 2 awesome parties I was invited to because of feeling like crap. Fresno was maybe going to be online after playing in Disneyland tonight and we were going to try to chat, but it doesn't look like he was able to weasel away the computer from his roomies. Bummer. And so yeah. I am here. And eating soup. And sad. But I could be much be worse...

So that should be counted as a victory! And things will inch along getting better... tomorrow I will be back at physical therapy again... and taking regular pills... SIGH. Eventually maybe my dumb head will be normal.


I got a whole lot of Smarties left over if any one wants some. Can I go home? To, like, 15 years ago maybe?

OH, and for those of you know more of the medical stuff, I DO have better news. I also got other tests back. I have NO clots. The milky lesions on my brain are caused BY my headaches and diabetes NOT the other way around. Also, I DO have Sleep Apnea but it is Mild! That means for NOW I don't have to have a breathing machine! YAY! And it may improve as I lose weight! So that would be good.

Monday, October 30, 2006

"I'm Sad that I'm Flying."

Monster House is weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird. Good and funny and interesting but really strange. Rinny's NOT a fan. I liked it though.

Tonight I carved pumpkins with my sister. Mine was white (honestly, all white, naturally! Rinny works at TGP and brought us an assortment of colors and shapes. Weird.) and so I carved it like Strong Sad's head. Hee hee!

I didn't go to church today... not even though I did wake up in time. My head was just too bad. I felt extra guilty after though. When I last spoke with the Bishopric I said I would accept a calling in the church, even though I couldn't come even all the time. Compassionate Service. I
don't even know what I do. But I was sustained in sacrament meeting today, and I wasn't even there. SIGH. But I have physical therapy tomorrow... and that is what the Neurologist feels will make the most difference. I want to do this RIGHT.

Depression is not going so great either, but I am not going to deal with the medication side of it until I get THIS stuff... all this crap that can cause very SITUATIONAL Depression... figured out. I mean really, I need to make life happy before I can expect my brain to ACCEPT happy, you know? Trying to figure this all out right.

Speaking of, I really should take my load of pills now and try to sleep.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

"Isn't it weird when you're not friends with your friends anymore? I mean, Michele and I just fell out of touch about two hours ago."

Yesterday I thought I would never get to LEAVE the physical therapist. It was super busy getting IN for one thing. But with everything, I was there about 3 HOURS and I hurt SO BAD. See, apparently, a big part of my headache is I have occipital neuralgia which is really just inflammation of that nerve... but instead I have a KNOT on it, Yeah a knot on my occipital (nerve? muscle?). Like a physical knot. Not shocking, I suppose, as I get those on my arm and legs. Knots so bad you can SEE them as big sticky-out bumps through my skin. So as well as Physical Therapy, we are looking into finding some sort of orthopedic specialist for me. But anyway, I had to be in TRACTION to see if that might help since the PT has not been able to work it out yet. It HURT and made me feel quite sick. Still does. BLEH.

I was (and still am) hopeful...

but inpatient. I am TIRED of hurting and feeling sick and dizzy all the time!

Right now though, I am giggling over one of my favorite SILLY movies. Romy and Michele's High School Reunion! It is one of those Guilty Pleasure Movies. Hmmm...

Kipluck's Guilty Pleasure Movies of the Week

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Josie and the Pussy Cats
George of the Jungle

There are probably more... some guiltier... but these are what I think of.

Last night I spent the evening with my family. It wasn't exactly a PARTY but it was CLOSE. I mean, my little sister, Rinny, and I giggled and watched movies. I just spent most of the time laying on their couch under the influence of Robaxin (a muscle relaxant). We watched The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown (and THEN this one which she got mad at me for (warning, it is not rated G) but still cracked me up---->

Thank you YouTube for bringing me the warped joy of Robot Chicken!) and Thriller and then Wait Until Dark. My sis and I are very VERY different people. Sometimes it is just fun to see we CAN still have fun together.

As for the rest of my fam, Spencer is LOVING BYU. I am pretty sure with all the fun he is having with roomies and girls he can NOT be doing well, grade-wise. But hey, I'm his sister, not his mom, so, whatever. He is loving it. He just went to homecoming with this chick he really likes that he calls Carmen SanDiego. And this week he got asked to Preference by some other chick. He is just eating it up. He is also making appointments like mad to get his papers in the works to get out on his LDS mission ASAP. He turns 19 January 13th... he wants to be in the MTC BY then. Weird. I can't believe my baby bro is that OLD... college... roommates... college GIRLS... and serving a full-time mission for the Lord. WACKY!!!

I am so not prepared for this whole people growing up thing! I mean, Me... I am in much the same place. Not all bad. I like where I live. I like my roommate and LOVE the critters that also share my house. I don't really feel like I COULD be a mom or wife right now. And even if the church would allow me to serve another mission (which they have said basically NO WAY JOSE!) I don't know that that is what I would want right now either. I would like to get well enough to at least get a job and school again, but for now... bleh.

But Spencer is getting so big! And I am fairly jealous of Rinn's job.... okay, really jealous. And I keep finding out who of my past crushes are now married (TexasBoy... I am coping now, though. For real. It was just... YEAH. Oh, and mom told me yesterday (but this one made me giggle and sigh, not cry) that DeerBoy was now married. WEIRD!)

Hmmm... I want some Sunshine Toast right now. And orange juice. Only I don't actually have bread.... or orange juice... and I don't think I like the eggs we have at present. Huh. Bummer.

Shasta is so cute. She is feeling especially needy and cuddly right now apparently. She is just snuggled up to me, but it makes it rather awkward because she desperately wants to be ON my lap. Problem is my LAPTOP is on my lap. So she tries to sit on my boobs. Umm, Doggy, you are adorable, but OUCH!? So I keep trying to keep her at my SIDE where when she is snuggled it is just darling (and convenient)... but it only sticks for a few minuets before she tries to climb under the laptop, on the keyboard, or onto my boobs.

SIGH. Puppies... you keep me sane... but sometimes I want to slap you silly!!!

I wanted to go to a party tonight, Trav's... fondue, even. And I am not there. I wish I was. I don't feel so splendid,,, and not social in the least.

However, I am at least happy to say I got an email from my current crush who I will call Fresno for now talking about silly things like what to be for Halloween and Disneyland. That made me feel a little better... and a little more girly.
<3 Sigh.

You Aren't Scary, You're Scared

Probably even scared to see how this quiz came out!

You Are Pumpkin

Realistic and practical, you see the world for how it is.
You know what it takes to succeed in life...
And you're happy to help others reach their goals.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Utah Weather... HONESTLY!!! AAARGH! It was so pretty yesterday. Right now it is snowing. Not snow FLAKES, it seems the sky is throwing snow balls at us! And dang cold. Our living room smells weird... (petunias are not really the sort of flowers you SMELL) my roomie brought in all of the garden she could. SIGH. I hate hot summers... but I am not quite ready for SNOW! Geez!

Weather Forecasts | Weather Maps | Weather Radar

Anyway, yeah. I am cold and my head *shockingly* hurts like crazy.

I got a very nice note from someone (I don't know WHO) encouraging me today on my steps. Thank you, to whomever you are.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

OH and PS...

She's gonna kill me, for the "illustrations" but tomorrow is her


grasping at straws?

I am hurting so badly today, but I have HOPE! Hope, people! HOPE!

I am still waiting on Echocardiograms, ultrasounds, etc.
and I still have a load of blood tests tomorrow. However, one of the straws I was grasping at, my physical therapist, he was checking if it was related. I had NO faith in that because my neck isn't sore, even when he wiggled it around. Then suddenly he pushed something not just at the base of my skull, but up in it somehow? Anyway, he said "Hmmm... I think I found it. Does this hurt?" Pushes in this mysterious skull spot and I almost threw up it hurt so bad in exactly the same spot it hurts the worst everyday! He made me feel AWFUL and I wanted to cry with JOY! I mean, geeze! If he can MAKE it hurt, maybe maybe maybe he can make it NOT HURT because it was the RIGHT SPOT! Right? RIGHT?!


I don't have ANSWERS, really, not all of them. But still this is the first time I have felt even remotely happy at the chance of someday recovery!!!!! Not *immediate* recovery... but something THERE... an answer of some sort.

Really, I am not a healthy person. I know this. But it is sort of like that story about the crowded house. I think it is a Jewish folktale. A family
lives in a tiny cramped cottage and can't stand the closeness and goes to the wise old man of the village to say he needs a bigger place. The wise man says he can fix the problem. He tells the man to bring his ox into the house. The man protests, but obeys. Now it is even more crowded and it smells. He goes back to the old man and he says things are worse, but the old man says to bring in his goat. Same thing. Chickens, etc. (Yes, I am butchering this. Sarah Stanley of Avonlee I am not.) The family can not stand it anymore. They can barely move or breathe. Finally the wise old man tells them to put things in their place again, animals out in the farm and such and the family is very very happy and the house seems huge. They are happy with what they have.

That's me. I feel like this month long headache has just been those animals in my house. And I will be happy with my diabetes, depression, etc. if I can just STOP THE HEADACHE!!! Maybe this was meant to be a lesson in gratitude. I do not know. But seriously. I just want my headache gone. Tha
t's all I ask. Maybe the Physical Therapist can do it. Heaven knows none of the doctors so far have been able to figure out anything.

I am not really all holistic, or anti-doctor... well I AM anti-doctor but just because they scare me, you know? But I also am ready to try ANYTHING to get this pain under control!

But that is why I am pretty happy even though I am hurting pretty bad
right now. YAY!

However, I am also a little happy and girly because more than one nice and funny boy has flirted with me today. *grins* I am feeling awfully cute today... though, to be objective about my cuteness neither of those boys can SEE me through the computer screen but STILL felt cuter today. HA! (it helped that I realized that NONE of my jeans fit today because they kept falling down, which is one of the few GOOD not fittings there is. Also because none of these resulted in an actual public mooning. hee hee!)

I am watching a Law and Order: SVU that I probably shouldn't because I relate a little TOO well to it and it is giving me a stomachache. About mental illness and stuff... and it... anyway, it is really familiar in an un-fun way. Sometimes it is not so great to hear names of pills you know... and take... reminds me things I deal with, and feel a little less hopeful. You know? SIGH. And HOPE as you know, is the order of the day. And so I think I need to watch something silly. And unrelated to my own life. And happier. I need to be HAPPY tonight. And I want some chocolate. But I will have to settle for... let's see... sugar-free juice bars.

Monday, October 23, 2006


AND because I am blog-crazed (posting... AGAIN? Before NOON, no less?!) when sleep depraved might I just add that to readers of Questionable Content (to non-readers, take the name as warning so don't read it if you don't expect to find the webcomic of that name funny) Tai is so me! Except she is skinny! And has tattoos! And is a lesbian! But *that* is what my hair is going to be similar to when done AND once I order that Library Science shirt!!!!

pre-sunrise posts don't deserve proper capitilization

it is 6 am and i am so bored. i haven't been able to fall asleep yet. then i gave up for awhile because, well, mostly because i was bored. so i dug out halloween decorations that i could not put up because while i may be at my most energetic at 3 am, most of my complex, including my patient roommate, are not. so i tried to sleep again. and now i am online because i am bored. it is technically late enough i suppose i could "start my day" but actually feel mighty crappy for one thing (and getting up would only make that worse right now) and number 2) what is the point of starting my day lately? gotta hurry and get started being available for doctor's? get up and decide what to eat? what?

i have no job. i have nothing real to accomplish. oh, i have plenty i need to accomplish... cleaning, putting up that plastic skeleton, etc... real pressing needs... all of which will seem pathetically simple until i actually do them and end up crying and laying down with an ice pack on my head.

things are just feeling a wee bit pointless.

it is one of those things where it just builds. i am a picky eater anyway. my pills make food seem disgusting. so eating is annoying. when i am awake i am not only more aware of pain but i get hungry. so i have to think of things to eat that won't make me sick.

in short, being awake sucks.

however, i have found a multitude of funny sites lately. i will have to share... later... if you're nice and i have left overs. oh wait.

they are websites. not muffins. enjoy: http://www.wemadeoutinatreeandthisoldguysatandwatchedus.com/

yep. that's the address.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Mission: Difficult (Like Growing a Hand)

Today has been rather eventful, considering it was a Sunday. It gave me a lot to think about, you know? Okay, first off, for the first Sabbath of many many I went TO church. Yay! The headache was NOT any better, but I needed to talk to Brother Adams about something. So I went. I did not stay long, not even in the chapel. Part way through the sacrament meeting (I guess the "sermon" part, basically, in some faiths?) I had to leave, but didn't want to leave. So I went into the library, turned out the lights and turned on the sound of the speaker so I could listen in the dark. That helped a little and at least kept the pain down enough so that I could stay a few more minutes and talk to the bishopric before going home and wanted to cry from pain. I didn't make it to my own house, but my parents'. I crashed on their couch till they came home. Then they had a thing they wanted me to go to, but by then I had pill'd it into submission... still bad, but I went to the farewell.

The Farewell was for JT who is little bro, Spencer's best friend. Actually, I really like JT. He is a really good kid, nice, and a sugar glider connection to the ones I rehabbed/rehomed. He is going on a mission to Japan for 2 years. He's a cool kid... but will have a hard time. He's kind of a mama's boy. Best of luck to him, though.

It also makes Spencer's mission seem more real... my baby bro even had his first real mission interview tonight. WEIRD.

Something else weird, well, it is making me think again. One of the people that stole my identity is up for parole and I am supposed to write a letter. I don't know, it is just hard to think what I want to SAY. The one that is up right now is the one that stole my medical insurance. She changed my medical records. I don't know, it is an emotional thing more than a financial thing PERSONALLY. Of course it was EXTREMELY expensive in terms of the insurance, deductibles... thousands and thousands... but for me, it was more about the idea that someone was out there pretending to be me, knowing the very most personal parts of my life and being able to change even my blood type and age. I don't know what to write, because she will read it, Collette, who is up for probation. So I feel more like I am writing to her. And I sort of WANT to. Just because I wonder if she thinks she just ripped off a faceless insurance company. Or if she thinks about the girl she pretended to be for so long?

And p.s. Satan is SUCH a boy ;O) hee hee!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I want some Candy Corn and I want it NOW.

It's been a bad headache day. Not much more to say. I am so tired of this.

I think I am watching the Hound of the Baskervilles, at least it seems it... I have only ever read it some time ago. The other choice is the Pokemon movie. hee hee hee! But yeah, Baskervilles on PBS. That's Halloweenish. I am feeling bummed about Halloween. I feel like dressing up, carving pumpkins, and going to haunted houses. But not feeling good has ruined Halloween this year. I don't feel up to those things... I just feel sad. Bummer. Bleh.

If I did have candy for Trick-or-Treaters (my Wise Diabetic Self opted for toys this year) I would probably eat it now. I do not feel very motivated, diet-wise today. Nothing else seems positive enough to make it worth it anyway... except maybe my crush, but again, if you are going to be an internet crush you need to OWN a computer so that you can communicate much more often than once or twice a blasted week.

Friday, October 20, 2006


Oh, and THIS cracked me up... (Mali showed me)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Testing Testing 1 2 3... In the Life of a Guinea Pig

"Myself, I am against the use of products that involve testing on Kiplucks..."

So, yesterday afternoon, well, I thought it was just an echocardiogram. Like an ultrasound of my heart. And they DID do that. But they also did a thing of my
neck. and my HEAD. The head one was the worst though, because for one it was unexpected. Apparently, it was to see if something went into my brain because of a hole in my heart? It made little sense to me, but what happened was this. I had to lay down and wear a creepy helmet thing that not only squeezed my brain like a tube of toothpaste but also held cold slimy cold stuff to my temples and in my hair. The helmet thing looked (and I imagined felt) like the thing Wesley wore in the Pit of Despair.Then they put in an IV(my worst thing) (but, to nurse lady's credit she actually found the vein the FIRST try!) and waited. After it all I was covered in so much yucky goop... I felt like... okay if you DON'T get this reference DON'T TRY and if you DO then DON'T JUDGE ME!!! But it reminded me of Something About Mary. *shudder* All gross in my hair. Anyway not fun.

They won't know anything for at least 5 working days from those tests, but I don't expect much from it.

After that, I went to the pool, hung out with Mom, and tried not to let my hea
dache or medication make me sleep because the sleep center was going to try to make me sleep at 9:30 and I wanted a CHANCE of that happening, you know?

The Sleep Center was pretty miserable because while the first tech was very nice (and talked about sugar gliders and rats as pets while he wired me up like a Christmas tree) he was told he was training and the chick didn't show up... till an hour later. And SHE was not only annoying but didn't believe she needed to be trained and came in and decided to change what he had done, while talking annoyingly and scraping my skin AGAIN painfully. It HURT! And THEN it didn't work! So the RatGuy did it again and it worked again on the computer... till she came in and un-did it... and this happened over and over... and they both told me about how inadequate the other way, whereas RatGuy was right, but both put ME in the MIDDLE and in pain. GRRRRRR.... Yeah, not a grand night. I am really glad to be home.

But back here at home, well, I still have a headache with no results yet, a crush wit
h limited net access and lone gerbil, Boo(Bonic) in the Livingroom so that at least she will be in the middle of the action of the house. Gerbils are not as happy alone.

She and Latte were sisters... litter-mates. She has never slept alone or not had someone to roughhouse with (the girls played like kittens, chasing and rolling around). She is healthy. But older than I realize, I suppose... she is not young. 3 years is the average lifespan. She is healthy... but she is distressed and I worry about her being sad. But I also do not plan on trying to get her a new friend... not at this age, and not trying to introduce them... rather, I am actually wondering if I can give her enough attention and activity to keep her happy alone of if I need to find her a home. I just don't know who.

Anyway, it's been quite the week. I am tired. Not sleepy. Just tired of my life... again.

You know, it seems my health right now is even going to screw up Halloween. My second favorite holiday, wasted on headaches and frustration. And THAT is just NOT FAIR.

AND... Because Jaime had a good idea...
Thursday's Thirteen....
13 Places I've Worked
1. Alpine School District, Substitute Teacher
2. Mayberry Property Management, Inc., Secretary.
3. Milestone Daycare/Preschool, Preschool Teacher
4. Sento Corp., Overstock.com support
MyFamily.com, My Family website support and Genealogical support with Ancestry.com
6. Teleperformace-USA the longest 2 weeks of my life
7. Sprint - for about a week
8. Babysitting
9. Nannied for this Psycho lady who did the new Amway and bounced my checks when she went under and did not tell me.
10. Orem Public Library - Internet check-in desk volunteer
11. Texas Houston East Missionary!
12. Ummm... I get $5 for surveys?
13. currently, professional... ummm... stay-at-home-sick-er

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

the *only* thing good was gilmore girls

I have had a very hard day today, starting very very early. 2 am, even. I wrote about it in my other blog, but to say little, Latte, my sweet little gerbil (which Stewie and colorchrome know well) Latte died in my hands early this morning and I buried her. I cried a lot.

Then I dreamed. HORRIBLE dreams.. I dreamed she was Diego... then Plice... then a real human Baby and I was burying a human baby in my bushes and screaming "I am so sorry, my baby! I am a bad mommy!" I woke up screaming that a few times, but I didn't sleep much.

Is it silly to grieve so deeply over a Gerbil? Maybe. But I guess I feel I never grieve for one thing only anyway. It seems like every death is just that... EVERY death. Every sadness that is or was or will be or may be... a lot for one dead gerbil to bear, I guess... but that's what it seemed. Sigh.

So it has been a hard day all over. My head has been out of control (crying all night would be terrible for ANY head abut for killer headache 2006?), and I am so scared that although I could find NOTHING wrong with Latte (besides, ummm... DEATH), there COULD be, that I have been SANITIZING everything that may come between
her and Boo... or WORSE...

the Gliders. If anything happened to my sugar babies... I know I could not handle it.

Other than that... well, I went down to the church tonight to talk to my bishop. I only got into his counselor, but still, yeah, THAT was... interesting... huh.

On the social front, I think that if a boy insists on being cute and being nice to me he needs to own a computer. Not occasionally borrow his roommate's. Own his own. Because it takes a long time to get messages when you are a break in a roommates' own online misadventures. That really isn't fair to the girl who is getting the niceness, of which is pretty freaking RARE in her not-so-girly-girl life. Grrrr...

And tomorrow... Tests. *shudder* Wish me luck.

Monday, October 16, 2006


You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul
What Kind of Soul Are You?

Monday... sigh. Yeah. Monday. But I DID stuff! True, I still hurt a lot, nor did I drive... but I LEFT the house and that is a triumph of late. My mom drove my drugged up self to the pet store for a filter for the turtle and some fruit for the gliders and then to the pool again. It was really really a bad headache day. But it was good for my legs, and they needed help, too. After all, moving is good.

Actually, here is the GOOD part of my health... I am down to 216.2!!! For me that is a big loss. So I am proud of me. However, considering that a significant part of that is illness loss, that may not stick. But STILL... I gotta celebrate what I can... joys are few and far between right now, you know?

Wednesday afternoon is the appointment for all my Heart tests. I don't expect much from them. That night I sleep at the sleep clinic. Bleh. Wednesday is just going to be a syringe and electrode party extravaganza. BLARGH.

I found this quiz's questions HILARIOUS... considering my current issues... hee hee hee hee...
You Are 68% Hypochondriac

You are a pretty serious hypochondriac, and you probably don't know it.
A lot of those aches and pains you are feeling are all in your head!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

"But that's Bigamy!" "No, that's Big o' ME!"

Well, Yesterday was very VERY Friday the 13th-ish I must say. I fell asleep crying and didn't write so I will recap now.

First of all, I had
another visit with my neurologist because some test results were in and my headache was off the charts.

So, I have sleep apnea (kel surprise *rolling eyes*) and will be going in for the dreaded overnight in the center test on
Wednesday. But it IS likely a major contributer to my headaches and insomnia because I don't breath and therefore don't sleep.

I also have 3 small milky lesions on my brain. They are "probably nothing, but we'd like to investigate further." (doctor speak for 'Be careful, this chick has panic attacks and will freak out') (p.s. If I could I would post my MRI (I didn't... those ones I used to illustrate in a past post were just a random GoogleImage, you know?) but I don't HAVE it, the doctors do.)

Hey, Dr. Euphemism! Lesions are not nothing. Nothing in my brain is nothing. My brain is important to me. Pretty much my favorite part. The rest of me can't play Scrabble or read Elizabeth Bishop. Don't feed me crap and tell me it's chocolate. I can taste the difference.

So... yeah. Tests, tests, and more TESTS. Sigh.

I am feeling so... just ILL right now... and it has little to do with the thought of eating crap. Just the thought of my medical reality... and the actuality of my regular "breakfast" of 8 pills swimming around in my stomach.

The thing of it is not only was Friday the 13th hard on my brain, but it sure did a number on my heart.

The saga of the TexasBoy just got more... complicated.... Timing-wise.

Back story: Right after Katrina, there was Rita that pummeled my mission... and the location of TexasBoy and so I was just freaking out here in Utah (during Meg and Jake's wedding actually) with each sporadic text of update to here about his safety and I get a text that he had been evacuated and that, I think was the last I heard before nothing. So there was a time before finding out he was SAFE (and on LinkUp) that I wasn't feeling hurt... I was terrified that he had died or something.

But it turns out it was THEN, during Rita, he had been falling in love with the girl he eventually married. I feel like I was cheated on... what I wasn't. We weren't exclusive. We weren't even living in the same state. We were best friends. He could have told me. He should have told me. I would have cried... but he would never have
known that. I would have told him how happy I was for him. I would have sent them a gift, a good one.

I think I loved him.

I would have pretended to be happy for him... I feel almost like I still have to... like I have to be happy because he is happy and proud of him for finding someone for eternity but all the while feeling so sad, sick, angry, hurt, ripped open, and torn to bits. My heart is motion sick.

And now it is today. I'm a little annoyed at my ward and need to talk to my Bishop but that needs to come, well, LATER.

Spencer came over with a video tape of The Office and we laughed really really hard "...and another guy came and kicked my soul in the groin..." and that rocked. I LOVE my baby bro... and The Office. *snort* hee hee!

And then I decided to face my "demon" of the day...

The fun.y thing about the whole "writing a letter" for closure idea is that I did it. I wrote one some time back. I wrote a big "you should have said good bye, you big ass." That should have done it. But it didn't. Will a "congratulations on you blushing bride... you still should have said good bye, you big ass." do it?

Hope so.

Because I just DID. *gulp*

And I don't need him in my head when I am talking about Reno and Pumpkin Pancakes with someone else. <:O) SIGH!

Friday, October 13, 2006

The Real Reason

I have told boys that I may like but I am scared of because they kissed me that I am moving and am not sure what my new number will be. (It was true. But I could call later, couldn't I? But I didn't.)

I have told boys that I do like a lot that I do not have time to deal with my medical and anxiety issues and liking someone at the same. (Very true. And there is that whole rule that I
keep breaking about how I need to not fall for people unless they are MORE mentally stable than myself no matter how sweet they are. But...)

I have told myself that I am focusing on getting my life in order first, ala Runaway Bride (You will laugh but I truly believe that RB has in it some of the truest relationship laws in the universe, despite the fact it is a clich
e chick flick and I will lay that philosophy out later. Maybe.).

I have told myself that I am using things like moving as a way to soften the blow to boys who's lifestyles are unsuitable to my own, church-wise.

I have told truths, I have told lies... The funny thing is, I think I have made many many RIGHT choices... but for the wrong reason.

The real reason is I am scared. So very scared.
There have been very few boys that I have allowed clos
e enough to my heart that they COULD hurt me. Most, even my first/last/only kiss, PoetryBoy, was kept at a very safe distance from my heart. But SpeedyGus was there... TexasBoy was there. Parker was sort of, but just that platonic part so yeah, he COULD I guess if he was a jerk, but not quite the same, just the same as a girl could. But not like the boys could. And they did. Both of them. They took such a huge chunk of my soul and left without a good bye. SG took so long to get over that TB was a huge risk. A risk I took... and fell hard, harder than ever before. And I sound like one of those high school girls whose summer crush dumps them who swears to their mom nobody will ever be the same... but I feel like... he ruined me.

Like that part of my heart won't grow back.

I am moving (and I don't want you to be TexasBoy.)

I do not have time (and I don't want you to be TexasBoy.)

I am focusing on getting my life in order first (and I don't want them to be TexasBoy.)

Long after being hurt and OVER this person randomly he invades my thoughts and expectations of others... perhaps ALL other boys, to their detriment. And so, even though he doesn't matter (*repeats "HE DOESN'T MATTER!" 3 times to herself*) a little after midnight when my old roomie/friend Ehu Roomie (NOT your fault, Chica!!!!) pointed out to me he was now claiming he was married (whether he actually is or not, whatever...), I don't know, I sort of flipped out. I felt everything all over again. Hurt, lied to, bloody pissed off, sad... I took it out (and hopefully he did not know) even on the truly adorable boy that was charmingly flirting with me at the time lest he too be a TB... a liar by very existence, here to make me happy and then cry.

To those I was talking with this morning/last night... to colorchrome, to Ehu, to
Molly, but especially to you, if you read this... whether now or after the email. The stupid email. I am so sorry.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

But Ohana means nobody gets left behind or forgotten!!!!

Not sure which of the multitude of pills (even time) it is but SOMETHING has given me a touch of relief today. Not complete relief, I still HAVE the headache, but for awhile today it was ALMOST gone and that combined with pretty weather made me feel good for a bit. So maybe, just maybe something is working or I'm on the mend? I wish I knew what or when or if... but today it had to be enough to know that for an hour or two the pain was not as bad as as it has been. Even just THAT... well, it was the best I have felt in about 3 weeks. Small miracles, eh?

So, that is my happy (albeit short-lived) triumph of the day!

Other than that, I am pretty tired. Not sleepy tired at night, of course, because that would be far too normal (crappy insomnia) but just... worn out. My body just doesn't want to fight whatever this headache thing is anymore. It is way too much. And frankly my brain can't handle the stress one more iota. There are other stresses to anticipate. I have pushed job and school to the back burner. I have HAD to. I am learning to be okay with that for now.

But even fun has stress associated with it. This Christmas we are going as a family to HAWAII!!! Obviously, I am excited! I miss Hawaii. I miss the little stuff more than anything. Shave Ice with ice cream in the bottom and the puffy grass the grows all wonky. Silly stuff. I even sort of miss my dorm, not that we'll stay there as a fam (ha!).

But here's the thing, this means a WEEK without my babies. I have never EVER done that on purpose. Only when I was in the hospital. And then I had a Glider experienced roomie to tend them, but this time I won't! I need to find some one who I can trust with my heart! I am so nervous. Who can I trust? Trust with my babies?!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

You Blog like a GIIIIRL!

My head is still out to get me, but the doctors are now on a "waiting game" plan. Sigh. Whatever. However, If I can keep my brain elsewhere occasionally I can survive.

I got to talk to my Megan by phone today which was fun. I miss Megan. Compared to my problems, Megs is so very strong. That is to say, I worry more about her... with her problems... but if I had hers... I'd be gone so long ago. She is so much stronger than me.

You know, blogs are unique. On the one hand they are a place to be public. Your friends can leave feed back on your writing. They are a place to be anonymous. You can vent and write in a cathartic way and random people can respond from the neutral outside.
But even still, High School infiltrates the adult world.

You like some one... as a friend. They like you... as more. You don't want them to feel bad. You suspect they read the blog. But you don't KNOW. But you also like this other person... possibly more than a friend.... you still aren't sure. Not sure if they read the blog... maybe be fun if they do. Not really the point. More so the point is you have been feeling pretty crappy and feel like writing something a little more happy (though silly)... but don't want that first person to feel sad at ALL.

How do you giggle and gush... discreetly?

So, that is my "issue" right now. Sometimes Kipluck's a Girl. ;O) Go figure. Hee hee hee!

Monday, October 9, 2006

Father Knows *CRAP*

I don't talk too much about my fam I suppose even though they are a huge part of my life, mostly because I don't live at home. Well, except maybe Mom because we go to Water Aerobics together and she is a little over-stressed with this sickness thing. But Dad... well, yeah. He's my DAD and we don't get along. Anyway...

I am sure there are at least 15 books about how my Dad loves me. (I just sort of... ummm... hate him... for it.) Stuff about Languages of Love and Mars and Venus. Stuff about how my dad just wants to FIX things, even things that HE can't fix! He's a Property Manager. So we've got "a guy" for plumbing, "a car guy," "yard guys," "a guy" for taxes... and apparently my dad suddenly felt the need for an MRI "guy."

So my appointment's for late this afternoon and I am in bed asleep at last when my dad comes in my house yelling "Get up right now! You're late!"
"A guy in our ward is a radiologist. He's going to work you in. But you have to be there now.""
"Dad, I can't!"
"You have to. Get going now!"
So I'm already panicked because I HATE MRIS and my dad is pushing me out the door while I barely combed through my hair that I planned to have washed before going and downing one of the 8 pills I was due to take in the morning and checking into a hospital for "a guy dad knows" and then spent so long in the waiting room to be "squeezed in" that I was there UNTIL my actual APPOINTMENT at the other hospital but which my dad insisted they cancel. "Radiology. I know a guy."

The actual MRI was both scarier and not as scary as I thought. It was like a Space Coffin! That part I got over pretty quick. But the contrast and injection and the following panic attack and the fight I got in with my dad when I did not OBEY him when he insisted I stop panicking immediately. (Yeah. THAT works. Yell at me in a space coffin. Thanks.)

It one of those things I would probably laugh at if it wasn't still making me cry and scaring me and hurting me.

And seriously. Radiology.

Dads of the world, you do not need a "Radiology Guy."

You just DON'T.

Sunday, October 8, 2006

It had see-through sugar glass!

Some people are way too talented. And my parents have altogether too many channels on their TV. (We have, lets see... 8 working channels, 7 of which are in English, 5 of the English ones are not strictly religious. Hee hee hee!) The padres have cable or satellite or something. But yeah, all kinds of channels. It is weird. I just watched some race of making gingerbread mansions. That is some kind of CRAZY cool talent! I wish I was a chef. Like being good at cooking (or even the ability to make something more complicated than microwave popcorn) would be awesome, but to make something COOL like gingerbread houses would rock!

I want more talents!

I want to learn (or learn BETTER if I sort of already know)...

*Make Gingerbread Houses

*Cook other stuff



*American Sign Language (Obviously)

*Lucid dreaming


*Scuba Diving

*Fly an Airplane

*Carefully Maneuver a Jigsaw

*Type MUCH faster than I do

*Knit and crochet


*Oil painting

I don't know how much else. Why is it that I can't learn all I want?! There are people that do... people figure out new stuff all the time. I have time. I have motivation. I just I want to do it. There just doesn't seem to be enough life in this world to do all I want to do.


“There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.” - Bill Watterson