I think it's working! I think... scratch that.

The good news is that the new meds I am on really are lessening the headaches! The bad news is that they so far make me too dizzy to drive or read very well, so that better fade or it won't work.  I need to get rid of the pain... but I need to be able to drive and read, too.

A day later, I feel like I may have spoken too soon. MAJOR migraine PLUS dizziness today. Bleh.  No motivation, either and I have a ton of work to do.  A bunch of lessons to write, need to talk to an academic adviser about school, need to make cards for church... sigh.

Migraine of All Migraines!

It is so hot in here right now. Ugh. So tomorrow, if my head can stand it, we are trying out our new Pass of All Passes at 7 Peaks.  BoyKid was the instigator.  He got one to go with friends, mostly to the Trafalga that used to be Liberty Land. They have laser tag there and mini-bowling. Then he convinced me, Rinny, and Padre to buy in.  It is good for NEXT summer, too, but tomorrow is the last day to go to 7 Peaks this year.  So we are going tomorrow morning.  But I should seriously go to bed to even have a chance.
.
..
...
..
.
So much for THAT. Had a horrid night.  Leg cramps and very little sleeping. So when the boys were ready to go to the water slides, I pretty much felt like crap on a cracker. So no, I did NOT go. 


Major headache, major Fibro pain.  Drank some of that cramp drink... I can't remember the name of it, but it is supposed to help with spasms.  I hate it. It tastes kind of mediciney. But I think it might help. I HOPE.

So, yesterday I got a new assignment with my calling (for those of you who don't go to my church, "callings" are like jobs in church you are asked to do. You don't get paid (not even the Bishop (kinda like a pastor)).  It's sort of a volunteer thing, except that they pick you. Of course, you can accept or not.).  I am currently sort of "Publicity" for Relief Society (women's organization). I make all the posters for our activities. Also, now I am making the birthday cards for all the women.  The presidency writes them, I decorate the front.  With quilling.  Because I love quilling. :OD

Next big news, BoyKid is AUDITIONING FOR DIVINE COMEDY!  Not Dante's. BYU's.  They are seriou

sly hilarious.  I love their shows. I love their songs!  Firebolt. Single Ladies.  FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY. I think my very funny little brother is a SHOE IN.  The audition is free to watch, Thursday 8-10 at TNRB (Turner Building? Maybe?) 151.  WOOT!!!


Aaaaaaand a few hours later, I finally put on my big girl panties and left the d**n HOUSE.  Headache or not, I went with the family to Pirates 4.  It was fun. Not great, but pretty cool.  Then I bawled the whole way home about how much of a suckfest my life is with this headache.  I just... ugh.

Can't Hug Every Kim

Things I Want Right Now:
Heber back.  I really want Heber back.
Gnocchi Mac & Cheese. That looks so dang good. 
An end to these d**n migraines.


Things I am Doing Right Now:
Watching my new beardie, Stanley Yelnats climb in his cage.
Laughing at "Can't Hug Every Cat" with Mom (the song based on the eHarmony Crazy Cat Lady. I don't care if she IS fake, it is STILL funny.)


What I Should Be Doing Right Now:
Cleaning my hermit crabs' tank.
Finding Newsies in my DVDs because BoyKid wants to watch it with Kimpossible (who he likes and she likes him. Aww, cute.  Wish it was Kiddo, though.  She is my FAVORITE Kim in his life.) on their date tonight. Actually, yeah... it's 7:30 almost. I will do this now.

...


A few hours later.  The date is going on downstairs, I am watching Burn Notice, playing on Pinterest... I still haven't cleaned the crab cage. Maybe tomorrow.

Today I went to Voc Rehab.  I don't know if they'll help me at all. But I am seeing.  As for my new therapist, New-Ivy, I just... okay, IDK. I am having the hardest time dealing with my new therapist. I had a therapist I really liked. She was like my friend. However, she has recently had a baby... and made the decision to leave her practice to be a full-time SAHM. So she transferred my records to her replacement. Which should be fine. New-Dr. is a good psychologist. She is also nice, personable, etc. Then we start talking about what I do with my free time/Critters 2 Go. She tells me "Oh, you have sugar gliders?! My daughter had one!" First problem... ONE. Second? The daughter is 8 years old. Gliders are NOT good KID pets. Third, "HAD." Yeah, she tells me "well, and they just DIE. I mean, like after a few months. How long do they live for anyway?"
Me: "15 years."
Oh, AND "and they stink so bad." Now, gliders DO smell, but mostly if they have crappy diets. Well, and the boys just stink to high heaven when they aren't fixed.
ME: "was it a male?"
HER: "Oh, I have no idea" she laughs, "like I said, they die so easy."
ME: "yeah, they have pretty specific needs, a really specialized diet, stuff like that." She blew that off pretty quick.

Okay, so she is still a good therapist, but the whole time I am stewing and seeing her as this lady who got an exotic pet after doing no research for her daughter who was too young to care for it and doesn't seem particularly sorry about it's early death due to, in all likelihood, incorrect care. Grumble grumble.

So, am I being completely irrational? The thing is, if she was some other doctor... I mean there is no necessity to click with your podiatrist! But someone who is supposed to be helping me with my emotional/mental health? It is probably petty, but I have a really hard time with the whole thing. 

Pain.

Pain in the arm, 
pain in the back,
pain in the head,
pain in the <3, 
pain in the a***! 

All of the above.

It started with my head.  I have been having such a horrible time with my migraines.  I was going to class with sunglasses on, taking many meds, and just hurting so bad.  So I went to my physical therapist, who IS really good. He is!  He really helps and I would DEFINITELY recommend him.  However, I think he may have inadvertently pulled a muscle REALLY bad in my upper arm and back.  It hurt when he was working on me (but it often does) but then the next day, Friday I couldn't even move my arm it hurt so bad. And it's just gotten worse. 

It hurts really bad in my tricep, and into my boob, and the outside of my scapula.  I can do nothing with it and breathing in deeper than a tiny bit of air makes me cry.  I went to the doctor, the only one open on a Saturday, and they gave me pain pills and told me to rest it a few days and get it checked out if it doesn't start to feel better.  Well, it's feeling WORSE.  But Monday is a holiday, so I will have to wait till Tuesday to see anyone.  But at that time I think I am going to get an MRI done because it doesn't feel like a strain or anything... maybe a pinched nerve.  Whatever it is, it hurts like HELL. Pardon my French.

And then there is my heart.

No, it doesn't hurt physically, but Ola, my sweet Ola... it just looks like he needs to go back to Africa.  There are huge things happening in his country right now, and he is a leader, a pioneer for the Church and representative of the downcast.  I know it sounds bizarre but truly, he has much more important things in store for him than he would with me. His people need him even more than I do.  That's what you get for falling for an amazing revolutionary. But it hurts, and I don't know that I will get to Spain before he leaves.  Our finances don't look like it.  But I think I will always love him.

Sappy Movies, Crappy Day

Today was a not-so-good church day.  My head was (still is) stabbing.  My stomach was giving me major grief too.  I went to church, but only stayed for the Sacrament, then ducked out.

So,  I was watching some silly Lifetime movie about a lady who has to raise her Amish sister's children after she dies.  Saving Sarah Cain.  It's an interesting story, pretty sappy, but not bad on a Sunday afternoon.  (Besides, I have to admit I am kind of obsessed with the Amish.  I think it is funny when they are confused for Mormons, since I am Mormon, but I really admire them immensely.  Mostly I kept watching thinking, "I know him/her" and "that place looks really familiar!"  So I looked it up on IMDb and sure enough it was filmed mostly in Utah, with a few people Rinny has been in shows with.  Small world.

Now I am watching Kate and Leopold, one of my favorite chick flicks.

Also trying to decide how to make a Saint Patrick's Day article REALLY about snakes. ;)

I really get frustrated with days like this.  The headache, the Gastroparesis, the Fibromyalgia.  When am I going to feel GOOD?

I WANT I WANT!

OH MY GOSH. I am in conversation with another bug guy about possibly trading some hissing roaches (of which I have MAAAAAAANY right now. My colony is flourishing) for a RHINOCEROS BEETLE!

That would be awesome just be cause, but also for Critters 2 Go.  By the way, I have a particularly BUGGY Critters 2 Go show to do tonight.  I am going to teach a pack of cub scouts to take care of roaches for a badge.  I will also teach them about "proper pet care and respect for all life." do it for free, take a lot of pictures and do it for my service project for the DoingGood Scholarship!

I am trying not to think about how much pain I am in right now.  Starting today I am going off certain meds and to add to that my tooth and head are both KILLING me.  I got a blessing from my Padre to help with the pain, but I admit my faith is probably too weak for how strong the hurt is today.  Loritab isn't touching it either.

But I HAVE THINGS TO DO!  I don't have time to hurt.  I need to get ready for the pack meeting.  I need all the animals in their respective carriers.  I need to post a little on Gaia, the Pets forum.  I need to straighten my room.  I need to say goodbye to my brother who is on his way out the door (Bye, BoyKid.).

What I do NOT need is what I have. HELL in Head-form.

Luck and Bones

Yesterday I went to the U of U Neurological Center to meet with a specialist. I was very lucky to get in because they were booking a YEAR out. "Bones" as we call this doctor was very nice and had SOME ideas but some are going to be really hard.  Like my goal to be on less meds, well he's decided which of those to cut and weaning off of those is going to be scary. :(

But here's hoping Bones' ideas... the going off some meds and adding Celebrex... is the answer to these horrid headaches.  Today I went to my cousin's bridal shower and it was fun. Everyone is so funny in my family.  But my head was killing me the whole time and so it was kind of spoiled.  Also there was always those mixed feelings of Yay! Weddings! and Aww crap. WEDDINGS. because the guy I feel I truly love is so far away.  And I honestly don't know if we WILL ever get together.  I know the Lord is in control, but I think there is luck involved too and THAT I do not have.

Homesick.

Yesterday was sort of the last day of the family "stay-cation."  All this holiday season we have been making an effort to do more together.  BoyKid and Rinny came home to stay and we have been having Racko tournaments, going to Salt Lake to see the Church History Museum, and watching movies.  Last night we saw Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  And yes, it was good, especially for being based on one of the best series of books ever made.  That's hard to live up to.  But it didn't ruin the book.

Then Rinny went home. To her apartment.  BoyKid goes back to his today.

When do *I* get to go back to MY apartment?  When will things return to normal?  When will I be able to work again?  Not have doctors every week?  Not have a headache every day?

For that matter when will I be able to eat with out throwing it up?  Argh.



So I didn't go to church with the fam. Feeling too crummy. But at least I am listening to K-Love (Christian Rock). Hee hee!

Also, I am watching all my animals.  Tortuga is swimming happily in his tank and begging for a treat. He is a good turtle.  Cute little Baby Fable is sleeping on her fleece cube. Jack and Clementine, the leopard geckos are curled up like cats in their respective houses, and Bratanik is climbing up his basking rock backwards.  Like going up the tallest side first.  He is cute, but not the brightest crayon in the box.  The hermit crabs are doing NOTHING.  Well, especially Archie MacPhee as he is under the ground molting so I don't even know if he is ever coming up again or if he will DIE.  Gosh I hate when they molt. The gliders are, I assume, asleep in their pouch, but as their Reptarium is in my bedroom I don't know that for sure.

I love my little zoo.

I ALSO love my little business!  And in order to keep it on the up and up I really need to get that USDA Exhibitor's License FINISHED!  I have a doctor tomorrow but I am going to call my exotic vet, Dr. Dobson and see if I can set up the mandatory home inspection by her this week.  Get that ball rolling.  Especially since I have some parties scheduled in the spring.

MyNigerian gets arrested and I get a new lizard

WHAT THE HECK is up with me and people associated with me?!  I am still suffering through headaches always and trying to not hate the holidays because of it.  I feel like Christmas and the rest of life is just passing me by at rapid speeds.  But that's not all...

Ola got ARRESTED because he couldn't find the right papers and may be deported from Spain!  Like it's not hard enough to get to see him THERE.  If he goes to Nigeria we are just screwed.

Coats had a baby.  Which is pretty scary to think about by itself, but also there is still part of me thinking I AM THE LAST UNMARRIED FRINGE and who knows if I'll ever have kids.

I had a bad week this last week.  My lizard, Legolas, as well as 2 of my hermit crabs, Tolei and Jaque died unexpectedly.  And yes, I cried.

Today Mom gave me an early Christmas present, a new ALTGL like Legolas, who I have named Tinsel for the holidays.  He is just 11 inches long, nothing like my 13 inch Legolas, but he seems tamer and pretty healthy.  So I am happy to have him, though I still miss Legolas a lot.

"She pooped! She pooped in my pocket!"

Low-lights of the day:

• *Nobody* coming to my Mountain West Pocket Critters Conference Pumpkin Palooza
• Headache
• Headache
• Headache
• Headache
• Backache
• Boob aches
• Leg aches
• arm aches
• Fibromyalgia

Highlights of the day:

• Baby Fable pooping in Rinny's pocket
• Watching Legally Blonde and Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian with Mom and Rinny
• *Nobody* coming to my Mountain West Pocket Critters Conference Pumpkin Palooza when I felt like crap anyway.

Broken, and Broke to Boot

Today's headache remedy?  Botox (yes, I have a *pretty* headache again.) and a huge Coke.  The Coke helped a little today, hoping the poison helps within a week or 2.  REALLY hope so. If it does then I am going to have surgery.  Get some muscles in my forehead removed, and the nerves in my temples removed too.  Scary but worth it because a 2 + month long headache is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I just watched Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  Getting ready for November and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I!  Woot!  I am such a nerd.  Now I am watching Chuck.  Like I said, NERD. So what?

They still haven't sent my papers to get started on my Exhibitor's License for Critters.  I am getting worried. I hope I am allowed to do shows and classes again SOON.  I have had to turn one down already, and have one as a "Maybe" depending on how long this takes.  SIGH.  I also hope it is not expensive.  I don't have  much at all, plus I am attempting to earn enough to go to Spain to visit MyNigerian.

I haven't been able to work for real, like at Thanksgiving Point.  I spend all my days mostly in bed, my head stabbing and trying to kill me.  It is not cool AT ALL.  So I am not earning any money, either.  This while I am still trying to save as much as I can for that Ola trip.  And I have felt sick besides. 

So NOTHING is really going great in the luuuurve department.  MyNigerian and I hardly talk. We love each other, I think, I mean I KNOW I love him and think he loves me but with his life being all screwy right now with not having any money for school and losing his home and MY life being all screwy with no work and pain in a non-relenting series, ugh.  It is just a struggle catching each other.  Plus I am scared he is going to give up... on me.  I would. :(

Okay, I'm going to take a bath and probably be a baby and cry.  I need to get an appointment with my therapist, I have been too Bleh to go and I just got a letter from her asking if I was doing too well to come. HA! Awesome. That would be so funny. "Sorry, I am a little too happy to come to Therapy, thanks anyway, Ivy." HEE HEE HEE!  Instead I am too, well, BUMMED for THERAPY. hee hee! Yeah, I am a nerd.  A depressed, screwed up, hurting, in-love-with-a-boy-in-Spain, NERD.

Goody 5 Shoes

1. General Conference is good. I loved the counsel of the church leaders. I loved what they said. I loved how I felt - for at least a few hours, and then I was back to normal (depressed).  But such is (my) life.

2. I am reading the last of the 3 "His Dark Materials," The Amber Spyglass.  I am sure there are some of you that think it is a bad book. I'll tell you why I *don't*: Okay so in the book God is the villain. But the thing is in the books he IS a villain.  He's a liar and he's cruel..  IN THE BOOK. It's not reality. It's fiction. This is a story of if God was this way and the world were this way than such and such.
He's NOT and it's not, so yeah.  I am not stressed by it. It's a fantasy and a good one.  And the fact that the author is an athiest doesn't mean anything/  I'm not. 

3. Saw the aftermath of an accident. A bad one. A man was layiung on the road, so was his motorcycle. And his shoes. Why does it always knock their shoes off.  When my aunt was killed on the freeway, her shoes were knocked off too.  Seeing those shoes today made me sick. 

4. I am going to get my USDA license.  Critters 2 Go will NOT be taken down by a tattle-tale. I am not sure how much this is going to cost me. Or how long it will take me. But I want to do this right.

5 I am watching Iron Man 2/  It's good. ;)

HOLY CRAP. Bad day.

Yesterday was one of the worst in my life.  The first half was annoying. The second half was HORRID.  Here is why. I woke up early to a phone call from a lady from APHIS of the USDA.  Me doing Critters 2 Go is breaking the law. FEDERAL LAW.  I don't have a license to exhibit animals. And until I fill out a lot of papers and have my *house* inspected and get an attending veterinarian for all mammals (Fable, Heber, Lilo, and Nani.) to write out health certificates for them and pay some, possibly a lot, of money this tiny business that I am so proud of is kaput.

NOT COOL.

But that was just the beginning.  Somehow amid the conversation it turned into my OTHER job and she told me that THEY don't have a license.  So, now I am out one job, a whistle-blower on another for which I am scared to death I am going to lose my real job over. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT.

Oh, it GETS WORSE. So I am stressing about this on my way to Dr. YeahBaby.  He is going to help my headaches by doing that scary Transferaminal thing like a few years ago, which is scary but if it will work, I am game. Only after we are all ready and I am in one of those delightful gowns with no backs, we TALK about said headache.  He thinks something else might work better.  Drip pain meds into my nose which is pretty much awesome even though it feels like drowning it is WAY less risky than the thing.with the spine. 

Except then, at the end I reacted badly to those meds.  I got dizzier than I ever have in my life, anytime I moved my head in the slightest I threw up and fell down.  They had to take me to the car in a wheelchair and I was vomiting all the way.  Padre had to carry me in the house (and I didn't stop throwing up then either.)  I landed in my bed and lay in a semi-fetal position, moving at all, like looking across the room, or reaching for a water knocked me down, left me retching.  So I didn't move the whole day. I had to be taken to the bathroom (didn't stop throwing up) but other than that, just lay in one place and threw up.  It FINALLY subsided some time this morning.  Still not good, but I can walk to the bathroom unattended if I am careful and drink apple juice.  So, yeah, never doing THAT again. EVER.

P.S. my headache only stopped for a few hours, that whole time. 

Low on Fluid, should I check my oil too?

So, after my spinal tap results returned they determined that I don't have MS, West Nile, or any other crazy thing they tested for. What I did have was very low spinal fluid.  They think I may be leaking out spinal fluid either from a crack along the spine or in the brain.  Anyway, they are going to test me all over and find the leak so they can patch it.  I go in to the hospital for those next Wednesday.  In the meantime I am on heavy pain meds, sleeping all day mostly.

EXCEPT for last night. Last night I went to a concert! One of my favorite bands, Colors.  Colors hasn't made a new CD in YEARS but they did, a little short 5 song one, but still good things.  I went with the sybs as Rinny and I got BoyKid totally hooked on them though they were before his time. They ended the concert covering Hey Jude, so that especially made me happy. Colors and The Beatles=JOY.

Now, it would have been awesome if I could have done all that with out the dizziness of my meds and the lingering headache, but I need to be grateful I ever get to leave the house.  Right now just feeling really frustrated with life in general.  Major Celestial Homesickness, you know?  But, yeah. Good tunes.

hopeless.

I hurt a lot right now, my head pounding too bad to even write articles.  Nothing seems to help.  My Echocardiogram was normal. So, yeah, that's one answer and 100 more questions.  MyNigerian is struggling, he has no money for next semester, and is getting kicked out of his apartment.  He doesn't have the internet at home anymore, which is the way we keep in touch.  I don't know what to do. About me, about Us.  I can't help him. He can't help me. But we both wish we could.


Tomorrow I have a family reunion.  I don't feel like going, but want to anyway.  I feel so... hopeless.  I am sick of hurting. Sick of worrying too.

Things are just not meant to be easy, I suppose.

no one like me (thank goodness for that!)

MyNigerian called me on my way to the doctor for the echocardiogram, when I was most scared.  By the end of the short phone call I felt happy and calm and was able to walk into the doctors with out bursting into tears when they did the IV. (I am not wimpy... okay I am not just wimpy, I am a very "hard stick" and my already difficult to find veins roll and retract like they have a mind of their own.) I just kept his sweet words and a few scriptures he quoted me running through my head through out.  He has been such a blessing to me.  He sent me this P-Square song awhile back, saying it was totally us.  It makes me smile every time I play it.


*SIGH*  Yeah, I am such a GIRL sometimes!  But MyNigerian just rocks.

I don't have any results yet so I don't know yet if I have a hole in my heart like mom did, or if I have some really random infection messing with my spinal fluid like West Nile or something, but they do know that my Spinal pressure was low,especially for a fat girl... I'm an 8, whatever that means.  And just that can cause headaches, so who knows what they will find but geez, she is testing everything.  "She" being my new Neurologist, Edna because she reminds me so much of Edna Mode on The Incredibles.  I know, I need a cast list just to remember all the nicknames in my life.  But my doctors are now usually:

• The Witch Doctor - My very holistic approach General Practicioner
• Edna - replacing Dr FTW as my nuerologist
• Psych - my psychiatrist
• Divya - my psychologist who reminds me of Divya on Royal Pains
• Dr. YeahBaby - one of my Pain Management doctors
• Dr. BreakfastMeat - Orthopedic guy I am not a fan of
• PlayBroken - Gasto guy that is NOT my friend.
• Bashful Dwarf - my other General Practitioner. Oddly, not short.

Anyway, so Edna also had me with an eye doctor (nothing there, very blind but very healthy eyes), and get an MRI and MRV.  So hopefully SOMETHING.  Because it has just. been. too. long.

ZzzzzZZzZZzzzzzzZZZZzzZZZ

Finishing up my bedrest. Holy boring.  Not that I haven't had things to do.  I've written 3 articles for the Examiner and 2 for Suite 101 while in bed.  I've read a little of Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters. I have watched a LOT of Burn Notice.  Now I am watching Sleepy Hollow on TV. What the GORY?!  I might NOT watch this. Yeah.

This Is Spinal Tap!

No really. This IS. I had a Lumbar Puncture today as they are trying to figure out why I am having this headache. This freaking LONG, more than a month long headache.  They are testing me for Lyme Disease, West Nile, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, and a bunch of other really crazy things.  And I am on bed rest today and tomorrow.Then on Friday they are checking me for a hole in my heart (a PFO) like the kind that caused my mom's stroke.  Seriously?!

This is just... ARRRRRGH.  I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!

But at least I got my computer fixed (Thanks, Computer Lane!) and can sit up enough to type or I MIGHT go bonkers.

what becomes of the broken-hearted?

 Everything is wrong.  My head is still terrible. My computer is in the shop being fixed. My phone is lost. And I have said something wrong, I don't know what, but I come to find out that MyNigerian has marked himself "single" again on Facebook.  I can't call him to know why.  I am just sitting on my dad's computer hoping he comes on Facebook when he wakes up and that it is a misunderstanding.  My heart is falling to pieces.

of head and heart.

SO. TIRED. OF. HEADACHE.

It's been like a freaking month.  My temples are pounding and I am watching Covert Affairs and Psych with my mom while crazy Fable runs around like a grasshopper on speed.  He is SUCH a little boy in a chinchilla suit. But dumb.  CUTE, but just NOT smart.  He can not understand his exercise wheel and it took him an hour to get the ball.  Though it is really darling to see him walk in it.  He looks like a giant mouse.

Anyway, distractions are good, but they aren't really working completely. Nor is the muscle relaxant and Loritab.  Sleep doesn't help... nor does it come often or for long.  My temples... the back of my head... both feel like I may explode from the head up.  So I write.  Examiner's site is being sketchy but I am still writing there and Suite101. I also just WRITE.  Write here. Write in my paper journal. Currently it's the one with a Yellow Submarine cover, the trippy cartoon Beatles chillin' in the front.  I got it at the Mirage.

I want to go to Vegas again. It's been awhile and I need to visit the newest tigers, Mohan and Majestic.

NO.


I want to go. to. Spain.

THAT is my singular traveling goal.  Get a passport. Go to Spain. Spend some real time with Ola. I am almost 100% sure I am in true love with MyNigerian.  But we need to meet in real life to BE 100%.  And I need to know that.  WE need to know that.  Because if it's as true as it feels now, then, well, we want it forever. <3  Yeah, sappy but true.