butterflies and books

Thank you, Pinterest.

But it doesn't make the decision to switch from vet tech to ASL easy.  However, my family is very happy with the idea.  My recent plan, well, we can't afford it.  Hence trying to find SOME help for paying with it.  But becoming even more buried in debt is NOT a way to start to become more responsible. 

So I just finished an amazing book. Hattie Big Sky.  I felt so sad when it ended, just because it was ENDING!  I wanted it to continue. I wanted more chapters. I wanted a sequel.  I got neither.  But I will read it again.  I recommend it, strongly. It is a beautiful book.  

I love to read.  I am almost always reading 3 or 4 books at once, as any who are friends with me on Goodreads can attest.  I am reading something in the bathroom, listening to an audiobook in bed, reading something in my purse, and reading the scriptures (either the Bible or the Book of Mormon) when I am being good. I admit that reading scriptures is something I SHOULD do, whereas a good novel, is like something I NEED for myself.

"Books have to be heavy because the whole world's inside them" - Cornelia Funke

SIGH.  I. Love. Books.

But I do like movies, too.  And right now I am watching Rio with Mom.  It's cute.  And it is about exotic pets, so I will probably review it for my column.  And maybe not surprisingly it makes me miss my roomie, Lark, and her parrots Buddy and McKenzie and the parakeets, Thomas and Critter,too. (She also has canaries, Igor and Celestra, but I wasn't that attatched to them. I am not a bird person, per say.).


But maybe a LITTLE surprisingly, it is also making me think about the BrazilianVampire. Rio recreates some pretty realistic, and beautiful, Brazilian landscapes. And Carnival may beEd still writes me all the time.  I write to him only occasionally.  Because I don't need to complication. Ed likes me. And, unlike other distant boys, he actually plans to move HERE.  However, he's also really wrong for me.  He also will never hold as big a piece of my brutally chopped up heart as MyNigerian, despite the fact that I believe Ola really does need to go back to Nigeria and create amazing social change and be a pioneer for the church... even though it means the end of US.  I admit occasionally, even though I really love Ola, and think there is a chance that I may not ever meet someone else... I sometimes let Ed flirt with me for my d**n self-esteem. Dangerous? Not too. Dumb? Yes. Painful? A little.  


I need to get a life. I need to get a boyfriend. One that lives in the freaking country.


No, I am not really that girl.  I have a LOT of things in my life right now (school, animals, family, work) I don't even know that I have TIME for a boy. But it would be nice.

Speaking of animals (I did! Remember, my last parenthetical comment?!), my USDA papers got REJECTED for Critters 2 Go.  I don't know why.  They lady said she would go over them and help me RE-apply (Oh the red tape!!!) once I get back the papers.  I get them back, with a letter, and call her for further explanation. SIGH.  And I WILL apply again.  I want to do Critters. I want to be SUCCESSFUL at it.  I have PLANS for it. New plans for the website, like a kids' section with games and activities and a Cockroach Club with info about Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches for those that buy them from me.  I have other animals, too, like if my mantis egg sack would ever hatch.  I plan to release most of them but keep a pair or so. I love mantids.  Of course, my dream is an Orchid Mantis, but the Chinese Mantises we have around here (that I can therefore hatch and release will be fun, too.

Pain.

Pain in the arm, 
pain in the back,
pain in the head,
pain in the <3, 
pain in the a***! 

All of the above.

It started with my head.  I have been having such a horrible time with my migraines.  I was going to class with sunglasses on, taking many meds, and just hurting so bad.  So I went to my physical therapist, who IS really good. He is!  He really helps and I would DEFINITELY recommend him.  However, I think he may have inadvertently pulled a muscle REALLY bad in my upper arm and back.  It hurt when he was working on me (but it often does) but then the next day, Friday I couldn't even move my arm it hurt so bad. And it's just gotten worse. 

It hurts really bad in my tricep, and into my boob, and the outside of my scapula.  I can do nothing with it and breathing in deeper than a tiny bit of air makes me cry.  I went to the doctor, the only one open on a Saturday, and they gave me pain pills and told me to rest it a few days and get it checked out if it doesn't start to feel better.  Well, it's feeling WORSE.  But Monday is a holiday, so I will have to wait till Tuesday to see anyone.  But at that time I think I am going to get an MRI done because it doesn't feel like a strain or anything... maybe a pinched nerve.  Whatever it is, it hurts like HELL. Pardon my French.

And then there is my heart.

No, it doesn't hurt physically, but Ola, my sweet Ola... it just looks like he needs to go back to Africa.  There are huge things happening in his country right now, and he is a leader, a pioneer for the Church and representative of the downcast.  I know it sounds bizarre but truly, he has much more important things in store for him than he would with me. His people need him even more than I do.  That's what you get for falling for an amazing revolutionary. But it hurts, and I don't know that I will get to Spain before he leaves.  Our finances don't look like it.  But I think I will always love him.

The Dentist-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

So yesterday I went to the dentist and it was terrible and I CAN'T TELL YOU ABOUT IT!  See it was a new dentist and among all the new patient papers I had to fill out one of them was a contract swearing you wouldn't BLOG ABOUT THEM! Whiskey Tango?!  First of all, tell me I can't do something and that is the thing I most want to do. 2nd of all, maybe they should just try to do a good enough job that any blog fodder would be GOOD advertising instead of bad.

Anyway, I just won't tell you where I went.  So I went to this Dentist-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and it was very fancy and nice but I could really ENJOY their cookies and bottled waters because my tooth was hurting so much.  When I finally got in, I warned them that I took a lot to get numb.  So they gave me extra.  But here is the thing, and this wasn't Dr. Voldemort's fault, I didn't take a lot to get numb. I NEVER GOT NUMB.  Through out the root canal they tried over and over as I cried and actually screamed a few times but it never worked.  It was the worst pain I have ever had, and I have had a lot of pain in my life.  And now I am scared to death to go to the dentist, ANY dentist, ever again to finish all my dental work.  I can't go through that again!

They gave me an antibiotic and Loritab which I definitely need today.  But I am dreading the future and pouring the internet trying to find out what could have made me lose all sensitivity to anesthetic.  Not a lot of concrete answers.  I am just going to have to go under completely for my next root canal, though that is SUPER expensive.

EVERYTHING is expensive when you have almost no money coming in.  School, especially if I don't get any of these scholarships I am applying for.  There's a lot of them, so I am hoping at least even by STATISTICS I should win SOMETHING if I enter enough.  And a trip to Spain... Sigh.

Ola called me yesterday on my way to the Dentist-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named just to wish me luck and say sweet things to me.  It's been a long time since we have talked and I have missed hearing his voice,  He is such an amazing person.

So today I am just going to sit around the house, watch Chronicles of Narnia, play with 2 new hermit crabs Mahana and Fossil and the newly up from Molting, Archie MacPhee, and maybe hit the Library.  And have a lot of pills and probably cry.

MyNigerian gets arrested and I get a new lizard

WHAT THE HECK is up with me and people associated with me?!  I am still suffering through headaches always and trying to not hate the holidays because of it.  I feel like Christmas and the rest of life is just passing me by at rapid speeds.  But that's not all...

Ola got ARRESTED because he couldn't find the right papers and may be deported from Spain!  Like it's not hard enough to get to see him THERE.  If he goes to Nigeria we are just screwed.

Coats had a baby.  Which is pretty scary to think about by itself, but also there is still part of me thinking I AM THE LAST UNMARRIED FRINGE and who knows if I'll ever have kids.

I had a bad week this last week.  My lizard, Legolas, as well as 2 of my hermit crabs, Tolei and Jaque died unexpectedly.  And yes, I cried.

Today Mom gave me an early Christmas present, a new ALTGL like Legolas, who I have named Tinsel for the holidays.  He is just 11 inches long, nothing like my 13 inch Legolas, but he seems tamer and pretty healthy.  So I am happy to have him, though I still miss Legolas a lot.

Confusicopia

My blog is more journal than, I don't know, BLOG.  I write for myself mostly, and someday I may even print it all out into a book. Who knows.  But I am still curious if anyone reads me anymore. It's not important. I don't get paid like I do for the Examiner and writing for nobody but myself does not bother me.  But I am still curious.

Anyway, I have been on a little bit shaky ground with MyNigerian.  Nothing has HAPPENED, it is just so hard to not be in the same dang country that sometimes I get a little weird.  And I don't like his little expiration date of December.  I mean if he wants to date other people, just do it. Don't make it be December when he already knows I can't come. I dunno. It's frustrating.  I guess I just feel like I need to start falling out of love so it doesn't hurt so much. Mom reminds me if it is meant to be it will work out, and if it isn't it won't. But my health and other circumstances are such that it's just probably not going to work.

But the thing is, and I am not being negative here, I am being realistic, how many chances do you think I am going to have?  TexasBoy... Fresno... MyNigerian. Each felt like a miracle.

And then there is the BrazilianVampire.  He swooped right in yesterday, reminding me "I like you how you are" and telling me he'd kiss me and he would move to Utah and pay for a trip to Brazil.  He told me so many things, right when I was feeling my saddest about Ola, that it was tempting.

But that is so literally what he is: Temptation.

He is not an active member of the church and has no desires to go back.  He drinks. He gambles.  He would screw up my life.  It would be worse than PoetryBoy.

How many chances?

I want Ola. I want him and his spiritual powerhouse ways and his sweet words and everything.  And I think I am not going to get him.  I just feel like swearing. DAMNIT.

I hurt.


My HEART hurts.

And it goes with out saying my HEAD HURTS.

OY.  Other than that, I just finished The Castle Corona. Reading is my escape.  I kept getting stories mixed up though (I blame the headache) They were asking what the corno (like a cornucopia) could mean and all I could think was DUH, the thing in the middle of the Game where all the weapons are!  Only that was not IN sweet little Castle Corona. THAT was in Catching Fire of the Hunger Games trilogy. HA!

I just started Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell and it seems interesting.  Maybe I'll go read now.  My brain is tired.

Halloweekly Planning

I officially have my USDA papers and am working on them for my Exhibitor's License!  It is a little daunting.  I need to write up my "Veterinary Plan" of how I care for my animals and get it, and THEM checked out by a qualified vet.  I hope Dr. Dobson will do it! She has been my gliders' vet before, though she has never seen Fable.

Last night we had a little Sibling Party.  Watched Clue (one of my FAVES... haven't watched it since, well, I guess since that date with PoetryBoy in college in Cedar City., carved pumpkins (Mine was Trogdor from Homestar Runner, Spencer's was Boo from Super Mario, and Corinne's was Charlie Brown. Yeah, we are old school.), ate REALLY yummy pumpkin bars from the Thanksgiving Point's Harvest, and fed the pumpkin scraps to the critters. The tortoise, the gliders, the hermit crabs, it's good for everybody.  Not that they will all eat it. Fable wouldn't.

It was good times.  We (me and the parents) will be passing out candy (well, chips.) to the Trick-or-Treaters on SATURDAY, Padre about FREAKED when I said we should save some treats for kids that came Sunday because not everybody knows how Utah operates. "THOSE kids will come to a dark house. They will learn not to bother people on the Sabbath." Jerk.

 I doubt they are PURPOSELY bothering people on the Sabbath. They are just Trick or Treating.  I hope everyone just comes Saturday like the news says they will.  What if they come MONDAY?!

If I had kids they'd go Saturday.... or whenever their friends were going. Safety in numbers and such.  I really want to be a mom.  Someday I am definitely adopting.  Kids, too, not just babies.  Probably from Haiti, maybe from Nigeria if that's easier, if MyNigerian and I are together someday.  Dang but I hope so. I love that man. *SIGH*  And we want kids. They can be from Nigeria, Romania, Haiti, or here in the US, wherever they let us love them.  Someday.

Okay, I'm gonna go read in the bath now.

Letter-versery and Writer's Block

WHY CAN'T I WRITE?!  ARGH!  I have 2 articles that I am semi-Jazzed about writing. One about pumpkins (more fun than it sounds) one about the Feline Conservation Federation.  And yet, I am totally suffering writer's block. Big time.

One thing that is kind of cool. To me anyway. It is like my Letter-versery tomorrow.  One year ago today MyNigerian and I started writing regularly.  Dang but I love that boy.  I hope he can be patient.


Thing-a-Day: I know that was meant to be for creative endeavors.  But for me, I call TADs doing ANYTHING because so often my head and other medical crap keeps me doing NOTHING.  So anyhow TAD: I totally redid my Crabitat and the crabs are totally running around checking it out.  And, yay, my little surface molting streaker is back in a shell and looking healthier.  And JACK, my awesome leopard gecko is acting healthy!  And since I was scared to death he was going to die when his cage looked like a murder scene.  But whatever it was, he seems to be okay now. I am so glad. He hates me... or rather he wants to eat me... but I love him.

Broken, and Broke to Boot

Today's headache remedy?  Botox (yes, I have a *pretty* headache again.) and a huge Coke.  The Coke helped a little today, hoping the poison helps within a week or 2.  REALLY hope so. If it does then I am going to have surgery.  Get some muscles in my forehead removed, and the nerves in my temples removed too.  Scary but worth it because a 2 + month long headache is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I just watched Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  Getting ready for November and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I!  Woot!  I am such a nerd.  Now I am watching Chuck.  Like I said, NERD. So what?

They still haven't sent my papers to get started on my Exhibitor's License for Critters.  I am getting worried. I hope I am allowed to do shows and classes again SOON.  I have had to turn one down already, and have one as a "Maybe" depending on how long this takes.  SIGH.  I also hope it is not expensive.  I don't have  much at all, plus I am attempting to earn enough to go to Spain to visit MyNigerian.

I haven't been able to work for real, like at Thanksgiving Point.  I spend all my days mostly in bed, my head stabbing and trying to kill me.  It is not cool AT ALL.  So I am not earning any money, either.  This while I am still trying to save as much as I can for that Ola trip.  And I have felt sick besides. 

So NOTHING is really going great in the luuuurve department.  MyNigerian and I hardly talk. We love each other, I think, I mean I KNOW I love him and think he loves me but with his life being all screwy right now with not having any money for school and losing his home and MY life being all screwy with no work and pain in a non-relenting series, ugh.  It is just a struggle catching each other.  Plus I am scared he is going to give up... on me.  I would. :(

Okay, I'm going to take a bath and probably be a baby and cry.  I need to get an appointment with my therapist, I have been too Bleh to go and I just got a letter from her asking if I was doing too well to come. HA! Awesome. That would be so funny. "Sorry, I am a little too happy to come to Therapy, thanks anyway, Ivy." HEE HEE HEE!  Instead I am too, well, BUMMED for THERAPY. hee hee! Yeah, I am a nerd.  A depressed, screwed up, hurting, in-love-with-a-boy-in-Spain, NERD.

Ola's Birthday and My Headache... I heart the first, hate the 2nd

Today is Olakunlemi's birthday.  I meant to do something, like make him a movie or something but I haven't had the energy.  Even though I am drinking Coke everyday.(I am PRESCRIBED Caffeine for my low spinal fluid. I am not JUST an addict. ;) The tests did not find a leak, though. I am just "naturally" low.)  This headache is sort of sucking the life out of my... LIFE.

Anyway, I think I will at least call him.

Yup, called him. LOVE him. He is such a sweet man.  He said he was expecting my call, because he knew I would remember his birthday. It wasn't a long talk but it was a good one. SIGH.

After we talked I went to a doctor's appointment (a stupid one.) then laid down to listen to Pirates! which is really good despite the lame name.  Came back to finish this little entry (nothing earth-shattering, I know) and then I think I'll lay down with the book again.  Tired of feeling like crap.  Tomorrow I am getting a "Transferaminal," one of those scary epidurals up into my brain to try and get rid of this headache.  I really, really hope it works this time.

hopeless.

I hurt a lot right now, my head pounding too bad to even write articles.  Nothing seems to help.  My Echocardiogram was normal. So, yeah, that's one answer and 100 more questions.  MyNigerian is struggling, he has no money for next semester, and is getting kicked out of his apartment.  He doesn't have the internet at home anymore, which is the way we keep in touch.  I don't know what to do. About me, about Us.  I can't help him. He can't help me. But we both wish we could.


Tomorrow I have a family reunion.  I don't feel like going, but want to anyway.  I feel so... hopeless.  I am sick of hurting. Sick of worrying too.

Things are just not meant to be easy, I suppose.

no one like me (thank goodness for that!)

MyNigerian called me on my way to the doctor for the echocardiogram, when I was most scared.  By the end of the short phone call I felt happy and calm and was able to walk into the doctors with out bursting into tears when they did the IV. (I am not wimpy... okay I am not just wimpy, I am a very "hard stick" and my already difficult to find veins roll and retract like they have a mind of their own.) I just kept his sweet words and a few scriptures he quoted me running through my head through out.  He has been such a blessing to me.  He sent me this P-Square song awhile back, saying it was totally us.  It makes me smile every time I play it.


*SIGH*  Yeah, I am such a GIRL sometimes!  But MyNigerian just rocks.

I don't have any results yet so I don't know yet if I have a hole in my heart like mom did, or if I have some really random infection messing with my spinal fluid like West Nile or something, but they do know that my Spinal pressure was low,especially for a fat girl... I'm an 8, whatever that means.  And just that can cause headaches, so who knows what they will find but geez, she is testing everything.  "She" being my new Neurologist, Edna because she reminds me so much of Edna Mode on The Incredibles.  I know, I need a cast list just to remember all the nicknames in my life.  But my doctors are now usually:

• The Witch Doctor - My very holistic approach General Practicioner
• Edna - replacing Dr FTW as my nuerologist
• Psych - my psychiatrist
• Divya - my psychologist who reminds me of Divya on Royal Pains
• Dr. YeahBaby - one of my Pain Management doctors
• Dr. BreakfastMeat - Orthopedic guy I am not a fan of
• PlayBroken - Gasto guy that is NOT my friend.
• Bashful Dwarf - my other General Practitioner. Oddly, not short.

Anyway, so Edna also had me with an eye doctor (nothing there, very blind but very healthy eyes), and get an MRI and MRV.  So hopefully SOMETHING.  Because it has just. been. too. long.

Boys and Books I love them both.

Talked (and fought) for a few hours last night, got things SORT of okay.  Somethings were misunderstood... by both MyNigerian and I.  I was confused by his Spanish citizenship requirements.  He thought I was saying I wasn't going to be allowed to come.  We were both wrong, doesn't matter who was MORE wrong.  It was all messed up.  These things happen. We are getting through it.  It was a fight that probably needed to happen.  Yes, I still love Ola.


I have been reading a lot, since I haven't been sleeping.  Currently it's The People of the Book, and Pride and Predjudice and Zombies and Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters.  3 at once because PPZ is in my bathroom so I read that whenever I go in there.  PJSM is in my purse for on the go reading.  And then PotB is in my bedroom at night.  Maybe this BookSwim rental thing is a good idea. It works like Netflix but with books.

what becomes of the broken-hearted?

 Everything is wrong.  My head is still terrible. My computer is in the shop being fixed. My phone is lost. And I have said something wrong, I don't know what, but I come to find out that MyNigerian has marked himself "single" again on Facebook.  I can't call him to know why.  I am just sitting on my dad's computer hoping he comes on Facebook when he wakes up and that it is a misunderstanding.  My heart is falling to pieces.

of head and heart.

SO. TIRED. OF. HEADACHE.

It's been like a freaking month.  My temples are pounding and I am watching Covert Affairs and Psych with my mom while crazy Fable runs around like a grasshopper on speed.  He is SUCH a little boy in a chinchilla suit. But dumb.  CUTE, but just NOT smart.  He can not understand his exercise wheel and it took him an hour to get the ball.  Though it is really darling to see him walk in it.  He looks like a giant mouse.

Anyway, distractions are good, but they aren't really working completely. Nor is the muscle relaxant and Loritab.  Sleep doesn't help... nor does it come often or for long.  My temples... the back of my head... both feel like I may explode from the head up.  So I write.  Examiner's site is being sketchy but I am still writing there and Suite101. I also just WRITE.  Write here. Write in my paper journal. Currently it's the one with a Yellow Submarine cover, the trippy cartoon Beatles chillin' in the front.  I got it at the Mirage.

I want to go to Vegas again. It's been awhile and I need to visit the newest tigers, Mohan and Majestic.

NO.


I want to go. to. Spain.

THAT is my singular traveling goal.  Get a passport. Go to Spain. Spend some real time with Ola. I am almost 100% sure I am in true love with MyNigerian.  But we need to meet in real life to BE 100%.  And I need to know that.  WE need to know that.  Because if it's as true as it feels now, then, well, we want it forever. <3  Yeah, sappy but true.

Babbling about my furrbabies again (in AP Down style)

Today has been some major ups and downs.  My headache was NOT immediatley cured by Dr. YeahBaby's NP filling my head with meds till I had bulges on the side of my head that could pass for a Kilingon costume according to her.  THat was dissapointing to say the very least.  I basically broke down and bawled when my head began to ache again because I have had this migraine thing everyday for a month now with no relenting.  But it is feeling SOME better.

And I still have good distractions, like Ola who sends me the sweetest texts in the world.  I just wish so hard that I could get to Spain and we could be together. SIGH.  Why is Barcelona a bazillion miles from here?  WHY does the boy I love have to be THERE?  But still, I love him. And he still loves me.  So I keep pressing on and saving money towards that trip. (Wanna help?)  So far I only have, like $150. Yeah, I am kinda screwed. 

But I have other distractions too.  Like writing for money!  Grant it I think I have earned all of $1.08 for a few hours worth of research and writing, but STILL, I am being "published" in a way.

Yup, I am an "Examiner" now and excited to report on all kinds of things.... that fall under the heading of Utah and Exotic Pets anyway.  So do me a favor and read my articles.  They are NOT my blog, nor things I would write my blog about, except that I am always talking about my awesome critters whom I adore.  I know about those pets, too.  So it is a win-win. :)

One of those pets is Fable. He really is hilarious.  Right now he is in the tent, tipping over plastic bins and jumping on them.  He's CRAZY!  I love him.  I know, I've said that before. But it's still true.

Bratanik, my Russian Tortoise, is also entertaining me as he chews his greens meditatively, like a dinosaur.  I swear he looks just like what a stegosaurus must have looked like when they ate.  I love him, too.  And Tortuga begging like a puppy in his tank.

But of course, my babies, my sugar gliders are still my BABIES.  They get the most attention, the best food, and more pictures taken of them than a crazy cat lady's prize kitties.  They are so SMART! Smart and naughty. The other day I was really tired from these blasted headache and left the reptarium open.  Suddenly BoyKid yells "Hey, umm... Heber is in here at my computer?"
And he was, just running around on his keyboard asking for attention while I slept.  Luckily they are smarter than Fable, who hides under the TV stand whenever he escapes, because both he and Lilo came when I called them, and Nani who would NOT have come when called hadn't left the cage.  Silly babies.  They really didn't want to RUN AWAY... just to play.  I need to give them more attention.  I know, the mind staggers they could be MORE spoiled, but they should be!

Blogging in the Middle of the Night

I can't sleep.
My head aches.
Ola's not on.
I have a yucky taste in my mouth even after brushing my teeth AGAIN.
Might as well write.

I am in the upstairs familyroom of my padre's house (now a 4squarable location), listening to both my keyboard and hermit crabs click away in the near silence of the night and inventing words like "4squarable."

In some ways living in 2 places (The Ark and The Padres) is nice, like when it comes to food (I usually don't cook for myself.  Too much hassle. Easier to just drink an Ensure or Adkins Advantage drink.), TV (The Padres have more cable), and help waking up in the morning.  But most of the time I just wish I could feel better in general enough that my parents would let me go back to the Ark and pretend to be independent.  I still pay my half of the bills with Roomie.  Bur the fact is where I am currently in both the economical and medical sense has being dependant on them and therefore I can't, fo instance, just DECIDE to move or take a trip or anything.

Though, it goes both ways. Part of the reason I am home is to help Mom.  We go to the pool together and such, and I help her drive (which is scary, even this long after her stroke), and do things she struggles with.  So it is not as if I am just leeching away, they really PREFER me to live here, at home. It is me who wants some space and to go back to the ark, all my animals in tow, and be back with the Roomie, her dogs, and her birds.

OH one terrible bit of news though. Kazuki, her ADORABLE Rosella Parrot baby just DIED with no visable cause!  She is heart broken.  I am sad too! He was a DOLL and he liked me enough I was going to try and borrow him for Critters 2 Go even!  It just happened. SO sad.  I know if any of my babies died I would just fall apart!  I cried when one of my 2 TOADS died and I have only had Clyde and Clive for a week or so.  And I wasn't handfeeding them everyday like she was with Zuki. :(

Okay, I think I am finally tiring out (I hope.). Maybe if I open my window and let some air in my stuffy little bedroom I can fall asleep so I can wake up for church tomorrow. That would be good.
Peace.

Quilling Me Softly

Still recuperating but hopefully on MONDAY I will be back to work!  It is Magician Laboratory and we will be teaching the kids all kinds of magic tricks. Fun stuff!  Plus I am tired of being stuck at home with either pain or meds from pain.

I am working on my distractions.  At present that is quilling, writing & researching, Ola, and needle felting.

Quilling is fun and turn out looking cute.  I have made a few for my family to give to people and I am planning on selling some on Etsy under the name Quilling Me Softly but I am still working on that.

I like to research things and learn so I have applied for 2 things.  One is to be a KGB "special agent" answering questions people text.  I passed their test, but I have to wait for a training class to come again. Bummer.

The other is writing for the Examiner.  I have sent in a sample article about bonding with sugar gliders because I could see being a pet person for them.  We'll see how that goes.

Ola is amazing.  I was feeling sad and hurting and he wrote another sweet letter, but with a cute song at the end.


DANG but I LOVE that boy!!!

head[ache]ing in the right direction

Today I went to my Neurologist who gave me meds to stave off the headache till the cervical nerve block kicks in.  Then I went to my general Witch Doctor (he is very homeopathic) who gave me a scalp and neck massage thing.  Basically I still feel like crap on a stick, but hopefully I am on my way.

Distractions are good.  Having a boyfriend, even a far far away, is a mighty good distraction.  Oh I love him so much.  He constantly amazes me. I sent him a harmonica and CDs and stuff for Pioneer Day and he is LOVING it. He can play 11 hymns on the thing already!  Musical genius as well as being a spiritual super star. Le Sigh.

A Serious Topic for a Change. Todd Ransom

Our next door neighbor's son committed suicide.  We are so sad for them, and the ward is collecting money to buy the family a yard sculpture to remember him with.  The weird thing is, everyone knew about him already, and the bloggosphere is buzzing because Todd was gay and part of that anti-mormon/pro-homosexuality movie 8: The Mormon Proposition interviews.  They are all saying he killed himself because of all the persecution he suffered... I wish I knew what happened to him.  Was he ACTUALLY persecuted, or did he just FEEL persecuted?  Either is sad, and the fact that it led to his death is tragic.  But I guess, knowing his family (especially his older sister, Melissa, a friend of mine back in Junior High and High School who is AWESOME.), I just hope people know THEY were loving people.  I can't imagine them being part of that persecution.  But I CAN see them being against his lifestyle.

That balance is hard.  I do not believe we should accept homosexuality, but we should not just accept but LOVE our homosexual family and friends.  But it is hard.  I have family and friends who are Gay or Bi.  I love them. Their choices make me sad.  But if they were to feel they were better off dead? That would be much MUCH sadder.  I may not understand having same-gender attraction to battle, but suicidal? Yes, I have felt that before.  Nobody should feel like that. :"(  I hate that thought more than any other!

"People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are" (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).

If you are reading this and are my friend or relative and happen to be gay, know that I love you anyway.  Your sexual orientation does not change that.  I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH.  And so does God, no matter what people may say.

In other news I am back to "in a relationship" on Facebook.  Yes, I am a dork.  But Ola and I are officially online "dating" again.  Not that we ever stopped talking but we backed off a bit for various reasons.  Things are not perfect, but one thing is for sure... I still love Ola. IN love with him, really.  And him with me, of that I have no doubt.  NO DOUBT that I am LOVED!  What a great feeling!  What a singularly rare one for me, too.  Especially with Depression still being a daily battle. But I am continuing my battle. My family will not have a yard sculpture to remember ME by.

Huh. Nazis. Gays. Romance.  Maybe I should recheck that Blog rating below that says it's G. *blush*
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MoTab, Baby!

On Friday,  after work I went to a Pioneer Celebration Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert.  It was really good.... but most of the time my mind was on Ola because 1. he would have loved the concert 2. he is a modern pioneer 3. it is his DREAM to sing in the Choir (and I think he SHOULD). 
Yeah, I am still smitten.  Smitten but discouraged.  I am in love but don't know WHEN I will see the boy I love.

Today I talked to a VERY nice guy at the pool... he was so friendly and cute, too.  But he had a ton of tattoos including one of a a rebel flag (which doesn't have to mean anything bad)... and a huge one of Hitler (hard to mistaken THAT meaning).  I had to wonder, 1st of all, why he was so nice if he was a NAZI, and 2nd of all, would he be so nice if he knew I was totally in love with a black guy? Huh.