Can't Hug Every Kim

Things I Want Right Now:
Heber back.  I really want Heber back.
Gnocchi Mac & Cheese. That looks so dang good. 
An end to these d**n migraines.


Things I am Doing Right Now:
Watching my new beardie, Stanley Yelnats climb in his cage.
Laughing at "Can't Hug Every Cat" with Mom (the song based on the eHarmony Crazy Cat Lady. I don't care if she IS fake, it is STILL funny.)


What I Should Be Doing Right Now:
Cleaning my hermit crabs' tank.
Finding Newsies in my DVDs because BoyKid wants to watch it with Kimpossible (who he likes and she likes him. Aww, cute.  Wish it was Kiddo, though.  She is my FAVORITE Kim in his life.) on their date tonight. Actually, yeah... it's 7:30 almost. I will do this now.

...


A few hours later.  The date is going on downstairs, I am watching Burn Notice, playing on Pinterest... I still haven't cleaned the crab cage. Maybe tomorrow.

Today I went to Voc Rehab.  I don't know if they'll help me at all. But I am seeing.  As for my new therapist, New-Ivy, I just... okay, IDK. I am having the hardest time dealing with my new therapist. I had a therapist I really liked. She was like my friend. However, she has recently had a baby... and made the decision to leave her practice to be a full-time SAHM. So she transferred my records to her replacement. Which should be fine. New-Dr. is a good psychologist. She is also nice, personable, etc. Then we start talking about what I do with my free time/Critters 2 Go. She tells me "Oh, you have sugar gliders?! My daughter had one!" First problem... ONE. Second? The daughter is 8 years old. Gliders are NOT good KID pets. Third, "HAD." Yeah, she tells me "well, and they just DIE. I mean, like after a few months. How long do they live for anyway?"
Me: "15 years."
Oh, AND "and they stink so bad." Now, gliders DO smell, but mostly if they have crappy diets. Well, and the boys just stink to high heaven when they aren't fixed.
ME: "was it a male?"
HER: "Oh, I have no idea" she laughs, "like I said, they die so easy."
ME: "yeah, they have pretty specific needs, a really specialized diet, stuff like that." She blew that off pretty quick.

Okay, so she is still a good therapist, but the whole time I am stewing and seeing her as this lady who got an exotic pet after doing no research for her daughter who was too young to care for it and doesn't seem particularly sorry about it's early death due to, in all likelihood, incorrect care. Grumble grumble.

So, am I being completely irrational? The thing is, if she was some other doctor... I mean there is no necessity to click with your podiatrist! But someone who is supposed to be helping me with my emotional/mental health? It is probably petty, but I have a really hard time with the whole thing. 

Julia Childs vs. Percy Jackson

My teeth are feeling better today, though I couldn't go to church yesterday.  I think I can get by on OTC pills instead of Loritab now.  So that is good.  I am watching Julie & Julia with my mom.  It is good.  I relate a lot to it. Not the cooking. I DON'T cook. But the blogging, certainly.

AAACK!  Okay, you know how I say I don't cook?  Well, I am still not feeling too good and my teeth can't manage much chewing so I decided I could manage to make myself some Ramen.  But I turned on the wrong stove circle melted a plastic bottle and started a small kitchen fire!  The stench was HORRENDOUS! We were coughing and gagging.  We are just now able to come back in the house.  I am no Julia Childs!

I feel crappy. I am sick and now I have a major headache from all of the smoke and plastic fumes.  Maybe I will lay down with one of my new textbooks and try and get a jump start on school. Oooooor maybe I'll just read Percy Jackson: The Last Olympian.

Or play with my new hermit crabs. Their names are Mahana and Fossil.  They join Archie MacPhee the only survivor of my old crabby crew, but he is doing awesome.

Pieces of Eight

Pilfered from T-La

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1. The Office
2. Heroes
3. Chuck
4. NCIS
5. Perry Mason
6. Gilmore Girls
7. It's Me or the Dog
8. Bones


8 Things that Happened Yesterday
1. Went to the Doctor *sigh*
2. Texted back and forth with a "Koda Bear" who has been doing so off and on, like, a year, and he asked me OUT. I said maybe sometime. But I probably won't. Because he is kinda weird. I've never met him. It is WEIRDER, somehow, than online. Texting some stanger out of the blue. SERIOUSLY. Who does that?!
3. Went to the pool and swam a bit
4. Watched Chuck and Heroes.
5. Felt like CRAP.
6. Started drinking the barium "smoothie" (vile stuff!) for today's CT scan of my stomach.
7. Tried very hard not to throw up said "smoothie."
8. Prayed a lot for a lot of people. <:O( See Wishlist, I guess.


8 Favorite Places to Eat
1. China Bowl (BEST. Egg Drop Soup. Ever. Even if she is the Soup Nazi of Chinese Restaurants. "Yeah, can we get Lemon Chicken Dinner to go?" "NO. You had that too many time. You have something different today. You have Coconut Shrimp. You like." "Oh thanks, that sounds good, but..." " NO LEMON CHICKEN. You Have Shrimp! You like! Very good!")
2. Macaroni Grill (Shrimp and Pine Nut Portofino, hold the mushrooms, please!.... mmmmm.... and the BREAD.)
3. Betos
4. Skipper's (too bad it's GONE!)
5. that Brazilian place on State Street that has the cheese rolls sold seperatley. Mmmm... I want some NOW.
6. Cafe Rio (Pork Salad!)
7. Target (Yes, THAT Target. They have Sushi.)
8. Cold stone. I like to eat at coldstone. Does having ice cream for dinner count? <---YES. It Counts, because ME TOO!!!


8 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. The 2nd Coming
2. being healthy and DONE with all doctors, tests and meds.
3. the Holidays
4. Ooh, one of those cookies my mom is making for someone else. Hmmm...
5. taking a bath
6. The next Heroes (yes, I AM that big of a geek)
7. My Baby Bro Spencer coming home from his mission
8. Thanksgiving Dinner (with the Ostleparkwells... or some Tigers. If we are home we are definitely having it with T-La and Megs and their Fam. But we MAY be in Vegas. If that is the case I am pushing to go back to the Secret Garden. I swear, am packing a lunch and staying the WHOLE DAY in there. I love those cats.)


8 Things on My Wish List
1. For an online friend of mine who once was looking into the LDS Church to do so again and feel the truth of the gospel and mostly how it could HELP his life.
2. That those who are so full of HATRED about Proposition 8 in California could just... CHILL and have softer hearts. Disagreeing is one thing. For me it was hard to stand behind Prop 8 100% because I have friends and FAMILY who I love dearly that struggle with SSA. I knew this would hurt them. BUT I know that the leaders of the church SPEAK FOR THE LORD. And for whatever reason, they have asked us to take a stand on this cause. And, honestly, if it's causing THIS MUCH of a fight... mobs attacking temples and stuff, then, it must be super important.
But I just wish the contention would STOP. Why is it ANGER and screaming and picketing? I just think of sadness...
3. My home was clean and organized...
4. And that I was LIVING there. :OP
5. I wish could get healthy. Get a healthy weight so my dumb diabetes under control. Especially now, because, oh, my doctor thinks I may SORT OF have TYPE ONE Diabetes as well as Type 2. Like little kid Diabetes. Just not really bad. How crazy is that? Anyway, losing 100 lbs would be REALLY great.
6. a Ferret. He is adorable and I love him. He is silver and white, and follows me around the cage in Petco, and snuggles with me. But I can't have him. But this is a WISH list dang it all!
7. Hey, while I am wishing for things I can't have, how about a funny, cute boy that likes me and DOESN'T live far away, etc.?
8. Money. Or at least a job that I like that gives me more of it. *sigh*


8 People I Tag
Umm... you... eight.

home again home again jiggedy jig!

I am back and not so out of it now so I thought I would blog a little. And watch The Office. And drink something that DOESN'T hurt my bruised throat OR ulcered stomach to eat. I haven't eaten anything because they told me yesterday:
"Do not eat or drink anything by mouth after midnight."
How ELSE would I eat it? By nose? By butt? HONESTLY.

Anyway, as usual they took forever FINDING a vein for my IV. I think they oughta just install a spigot in my arm or something that can be turned on and off at will. Like tapping a keg. Because NOBODY can get me the first try. The nice ones try once, then go get someone else to try. The mean ones have pride issues. They poke, then poke again, then fish around in my arm with the needle, then poke elsewhere and fish, and then get someone else to do the same thing. These ones weren't 2 bad. One poked, but just once... then got another lady who poked just twice, and then fished, but at least got it.

Because I am me I was there an hour longer than I should have been because anesthesia makes me too low on oxygen. I kept apnea-ing BUT yes! Hooray! They did NOT make me stay over night!

101.9 The End of Summer Jamboree!

The day of the Jamboree arrives and I guess I didn't really get the whole-day-ness of the event and then I had the radio on while I was just chillin' in my bedroom and they said they were down at TGP getting set up. So I texted Mali, who texted back "what time are we going tonight?"
That's when I told her my discovery that I was a dork and didn't realize it started, technically at NOON! Well, she had chores to do and I should have too, except to be honest, I was curled up in bed really wishing the concert was next week.

Between my girly guts and my worsening headache again, I woke up wishing I was dead. But I tried the whole "fake it till you make it" thing... and even though I medicated heavily (Ugh.) I don't think I did so well at it. The meds helped, but I was sick in every bathroom I went to, and my head wanted to explode. Yeah, BLEH...

Anyway, I went to Mali's and we found a blanket and some card games and then went to lunch at Los Hermanos. Yum! (Even though I ate very little of my meal, (but a lot of the chips and horchata) since I felt so yucky, even that was TOO MUCH.) Then we went out to TGP. I was sick when we reached it though, and needed a restroom quickly. So we went to the Farm first, especially once we saw the sign that said "No Re-admittance." NOT ready to commit fully to the conbcert yet we used the facilities at Farm Country and looked at the silly goats. The newest baby... a little black pygmy... is just a DOLL! And I said hi to my little girl Ambrosia, who looks almost all grown up. If the door latch hadn't have been such a pain (and Mean Meagan was eyeing me) I would have hugged her while I was in there.... and TRIED to catch the cute new kid, but probably failed. They are QUICK! But NEXT time, Mali, I will be more behind the scenes and see who we can catch. Hee hee!

When we finally went in and staked our claim on the lawn, we had a pretty good time just chilling, playing cards, and listening to music, even though most of it at first was nobody I really KNEW. (Limbeck? Piebald? Maybe I just don't know new stuff anymore.) The only one that I thought was really good of the ones I never heard of was Lucas Reynolds. Had a pretty good sound. Mali called him a "little bit of American Cold Play." Anyway, he was pretty good.

The Aquabats were (of course) INSANE! Fighting the pilgrims and giant turkey over the right to rename Thanksgiving Point, High-Five City, sending toddlers crowd surfing on floating toys in a "seahorse race," and other antics. Oh my heck. Lunacy.

However, I feel bad because I just was NOT in a silly enough mood. I have ALWAYS liked them and I was looking forward to seeing them live, and DID enjoy it, but honestly, I just wasn't as into it as I should have been because I was tired and girly. And that makes me sad. I wanted to love it.

They are so bizarre. I especially liked when they were singing about Pizza Day being the best day of the week and throwing pizza and a slice apparently fell right on this chick's cleavage. One of the Aquabats said, "see, now, you should have listened to your mother. I bet she told you that was too low cut for 'standards.' And now you have pizza on your chest."

Anyway, funny stuff.


Colbie Caillat was good, just sort of... a Bummer. She is obviously a talented girl and stuff but the music was a little too... I don't know. It was making BOTH of us think about people we'd rather not right now (Fresno and Ender). Bleh. So we talked about how dumb boys were, how dumb we were, etc. But basically just not in the mood for her songs. OH but they had peach cobbler. Had to buy that! Woo hoo?

Decided I was NOT such a fan of The Format. Kind of whiny... annoying... yeah. Not a huge fan. But we decided to kill time ourselves, once it got darker... watching Scrubs on Mali's iPod. Hee hee!

Finally the best was Toad the Wet Sprocket, even though they made me feel old by saying, "some of you may have heard this one in the womb..." before doing one of their older songs. They were really good. And we also pretended to flirt with some cute boys' legs. That was funny. But I was feeling pretty crappy by then. And we decided we wanted to hear Toad, but didn't care that much about Dashboard so after the set (which was mighty good) we just listened to them as we walked out of the park.

So, yeah, that was the night. It was good. I just wish I was in a better mood. I am sure I wasn't much fun to be with.

And I didn't even get HOME-home after before getting sick again. Stopped at the Padres.

ANYWAY...

And lest you think CC is the only nerd, I thought I would share MY house in Gaia (because I am super proud of it)...
along with points of interest circled in Blue.

A. That's right, I totally have a little parrot to answer my phone. Because that is way better than an answering machine.

B. I also have a dog. It is a Sheltie and I am just going to pretend it is playing with and not mauling that baby chick. And since the whole THING is pretend, it can be TRUE.

C. No, that is not a Girlie Poster, it just goes with my retro/surfer/Tiki stuff, you sickos!

D. That's right, pancakes and Coke for everyone! I am just that awesome of a pretend hostess.

E. Yes, I stole that from CC. Covet Covet Covet!!!

So... yeah. I should go to bed, like, yesterday. BLEH.

Just for Kix

Just a helpful hint for the domestically inclined...

When the power goes out while you are trying to make your Rice Krispie Treat thingies take it as a sign, remember you can't REALLY cook, especially not all improvisationally like that and quit.

Bleh. Stale Kix, organic peanut butter, marshmallows, and margarine does NOT a treat make!


I will write more tomorrow. Right now it is bedtime.

to Boldly Go...

I am having one of THOSE Saturdays. I guess it is a typical Saturday, really, for weekends where I am not teaching a scout class. "Saturday is a Special Day, the Day you..."

do laundry. Lots of laundry because The Roomie went home for Labor Day and so I don't need to hog it another day! Which also means...

birdie-sitting. Buddy's been jabbering away today. They both miss The Roomie a lot, though and get WHINY. But still, they are nice birds. Oh, and just to update a little bit, we do NOT have the Vizsla but we got her a "stay of execution" and connections with a Vizsla rescue group! *phew!*

spending too much time on Gaia. Especially right now. Because we are having a water fight. *blush*
Yes, I am PRETENDING to have a water fight. Such. a. DORK.

watching Star Trek. Yes. As in the OLD one. hee hee hee.

missing my baby bro. His letters are awesome. But dang. SIGH.

Pondering very odd things. Like being a princess. Or being vegetarian.

BEING DOMESTIC! Yes, that's right people, I am feeling all COOK-ISH! Because I am cleaning out my fridge and part of my cupboard and found cereal! And MARSHMALLOWS! So I think I am going to TRY and make, like a Rice Krispy Treat thing! Except that kind with peanut buteer. I don't know HOW they do that, but it's yummier. Rinny makes them. So does my mom.

YAY! Imagunna do that NOW!

New on KFC's Menu... Guilt Trips for just $1 more

It is a random Tuesday. So you get random Tidbits. Here.

Tidbit #1. So, today I totally got scolded indirectly by the Colonel. It was pretty hilarious, really, in an embarrassing sort of way. But I learned my lesson... maybe. For a WHILE anyway.

Tidbit #2. This is totally just for CC. Okay, everyone can look, but I only expect her to either laugh her head off or throw something sharp at me for it. THAT'S A RISK I'M WILLING TO TAKE.

Tidbit #3. Sometimes I feel my job is just a very drawn out scavenger hunt. It's like Find a reliable online source for all of the following for under a buck each
1. Tadpoles
2. Caterpillars
3. Papyrus sheets (which, incidentally, is how I stumbled across Tidbit #2)

Shots, pots, and Aquaba[u]ts

I have been having a rather consistent string of bad days lately. Some of it is medical. Quite a bit of it, really. My headaches are coming back. And the Diabetes, this weekend I pretty much cheated. I cheated because I was sick of trying, for one, and because my stupid numbers didn't seem to change one way or the other whether I tried or not.

I cheated. I ate pasta and bread. Heck, even contemplated Cheesecake (but didn't) and my numbers were horrible.
But earlier, I tried really hard, like I did all month... my numbers were horrible.
That's how things have been lately.
Controlling my diet and not cheating at all.
Taking Metformin...
and Actos...
and Januvia...
and cinnamon.
And still never getting under 200s...(hmmm... just like my weight. LOVERLY.)

So I cheated. Because what the hell is the point anyway?
I will tell you where the point is. The end of the needle. The doctors have been saying so every single time but I have begged and begged for reprieves and pardons and second chances. But after this next follow up, I WON'T get one. I will be going on needles not just for emergencies, but full-time.

As a pretty major trypanophobic, well, let's just say I am scared to death to even go to the doctor about it.

I know I have to, I just... ugh.

On the bright side, I have really good friends.

I recently had a good time renewing an old friendship with a high school friend, Pepper. I was sort of scared to because it is one of those awkward things, you know? I kept thinking either it would be weird and nothing like in high school... or it would be JUST LIKE in high school and therefore really weird and... ahhh... High-Maintenance. Either way, umm, yeah. However, it ended up pretty fun! We played with her rabbit and her nephew who is, essentially, her son. His mom, Pepper's little sister, is now severely disabled, both mentally and physically. It is so WEIRD to see her now. She is a little higher functioning than Roomie's J. It is the saddest thing. (This is Sparkle... not the younger sister who married TexasBoy's clone, just to keep things straight.) But, so Pepper basically raises the boy now. Caring for him... and mostly her sister as well.

Anyway, we (she, another old friend Stacy, and I) met at her home, hung out a bit and then went to the new Provo Arts Center that Pepper's dad is the manager of. It used to be the library, now it is a big theater. We saw Best of Broadway: Featuring the Music of Andrew Lloyd Webber. The beginning was pretty boring, but it was fun later. And afterward we hung out and got drafted into helping which is always interesting, meeting the stars... and having to alphabetize tickets for the next show. Because when you know people... you get put to WORK! hee hee!

Then Yesterday. I gave CC a gift certificate to Color Me Mine for... either Christmas or her Birthday... either way it was way late and THEN it took forever for us to ACT on it and so we finally made plans to GO and Cupcake came too and we painted our hearts out! Not everything worked the way we WANTED exactly, but still... I think it will all look better all cooked and shiny. We also went out to eat at Macaroni Grill. VERY yummy, but very carby (and the topic of that paragraph about cheating.)

Also yesterday was Mali's BIRTHDAY!!!! I finally got over there eventually and we got to hang out and talk and give her the news that she was taller than her friends but God made her that way (hee hee hee!) and her gift... WE ARE GOING TO TOAD THE WET SPROCKET ((and NOW THEY'VE ADDED AQUABATS!) And Dashboard Confessional! and the rest of the Jamboree) September 8th people! Feel free to be jealous.

You SHOULD be.

a Wizarding Weekend

NOT accomplishing much today but dang it all, I haven't had a real vacation-y weekend in some time (or a "good pile of times." HEE HEE HEE HEE!) so except for the absolute certainties... Mount Washmore, the glider cage, etc. I am shirking all to curl up in the coolest part in the basement with Deathly Hallows, Tropicana Sugar Free Lemonade(holy cow, it blows Minute Maid's SF lemonade out of the water, taste-wise.), and, yeah, more Brazilian Cheese Rolls.

Until going to Order of the Phoenix with Squall in a little bit! (Take a little break from Harry Potter to have some Harry Potter, don't you know? Hee hee hee hee hee) In fact, I better get ready now. I have been reading most of the day and need to do my hair.

Later!

Back. And let me just say, even though me and CC watched it the other day, I really DO like that movie. NOT as good as the book... not even close... but it is still fun. They just left out SO much good stuff. BUT, I still must say my favorite things (without being a spoil monger) were:

* The cat plates on Umbridge's walls and her frightening similarity to some Relief Society presidents I have met.

* I LOVE ALAN RICKMAN.
Love him love him love him. Love to hate him. Love to love him. He IS Snape. He just IS.

* The Room of Requirment and the Mistletoe... like they REQUIRE kissing? hee hee hee hee! Anyway, it made me giggle.

And yes, I am a Nerd. And I don't care. And I really can't write much more right now because the BOOK... is... beckoning me... hee hee hee!

Science! I say Science Again!

Okay, so, you know how sometimes you are ready to write in the MOMENT but later you just don't want to feel like getting into it?

That is the situation with yesterday.

And so forgive me if I move on to today which was more fun anyway (except the movie... Dear Frankie... which was quite good, by the way.)

I admit that most of the day I was within an inch of a melt down (stress and I are not friends) but as it is OVER I can say it WAS a fun day camp. It was "FUNdamentals of Science" for ages 6-8 and it was full... about 30 VERY energetic kiddlets... and funny.

I had them learn mostly about states of matter... with as many (mild) explosions as I was allowed. We learned why Dry Ice was dry. We learned how to make really big bubbles. We made Oobleck.

More specifically, have you ever blown bubbles into a clear container of water and dry ice? The bubbles will bounce on the "smoke."

AND if you have water and dry ice and add dish soap to it, it will blow bubbles itself... that when you pop them are filled with the "smoke." Kids LOVE it. (So do *I*) If you have never done it, TRY IT.

Of course, we also made root beer. We did it wrong. Not their fault. MINE. You should really put only HALF the water in with the root beer extract, sugar, etc. THEN put in the dry ice. THEN the rest of the water. Instead we put in everything put the dry ice at once, and so when the ice went in I got covered in sticky root beer mix.

We also made "CO2 Sandwiches"... vinegar and backing soda exploding plastic baggies, played "Neutron Tag" (basically buddy tag but they are being positrons and electrons), etc.

However, one of my favorite things was still exposing a bunch of little kiddlets to Coke and Mentos! hee hee hee hee hee!



Ours was just, you know, NORMAL, and not so Bellagioesue, but STILL fun. Though we did experiment a few (Diet Coke seemed to go higher than Not Diet. Caffeine Free and Not caffeine free (or as some of the kids called it "Bad Coke and Good Coke" which cracked me up.) seemed to make no difference. However nothing so dramatic (or silly) as this:



But the kids were still pretty dang entertained that I was COVERED in Coke. (yes, what a lovely day to have a social thing after work... I get to go to a party covered in Coke... and root beer... and vinegar and baking soda and Oobleck and sweat and bubbles... and the regular pony hair and goat slobber.

With all the states of matter I thought we ought to have a little fun with non-Newtonian fluids (because, really, how funny is it to make 6 year olds SAY "non-Newtonian fluids") and we made Oobleck. hee hee hee! I *heart* playing with that stuff!
If you were curious...

Oobleck

Materials Needed

• 1 1/2 C. Corn Starch
  
• 1 C. Water
  
• Food Color (optional)

Mix the ingredients and allow children to play with the mixture. When"pushed" together, the mixture will appear dry and solid; as children let go of the mixture, it flows like a smooth liquid.

(However, you usually have to adapt it a bit., or we did anyway... like add more of one or the other... plus, apparently if you have ENOUGH you can do THIS:



Then we made ice cream (shaking it, like we make for the 2nd grade field trip) to put in our root beer and have root beer floats! (Sweeeeeet Science!)

After work I stayed in Lehi for a PARTY!!!! YAY! It was a Baby Shower, but NOT a boring one! In other words we did not have to drop diaper pins into jars or any of those games. It was way cute and planned by the lovely Laurie for Bethany and fam... well, and especially, obviously, the BABY of said family.

It was SUPER cute, good food (I used my child labor connections and brought root beer made by my day camp/sweat shop students for MY potluckery. hee hee!), and fantastic people (many of which are/were Linkster friends of mine. I am sure I am forgetting somebody, but there was GranolaGirl, NerdSpouse, Brentito, CountessKrispy, Travbabe... of course Thai and Scott and Thai's sweet mom... and the STARS Buck and Awesome (and Little Buck and INCREDIBLY ADORABLE mini-mike, Baby David!) and Darci and... others. Yeah. And ponies. It was good times!

And as for the baby, seriously... GORGEOUS BABY, isn't he?

And as for the title... hee hee hee!

Don't break, don't break my heart, and I won't break your heart-shaped glasses...

So, yeah. My Depression is not doing so great. It is making being normal enough for a relationship really difficult right now. And the thing is, Fresno is a really REALLY good guy. And extremely understanding, at least comparatively so. And I have explained to him about having Depression. And about my meds and such. However, he still just doesn't QUITE get it. And tends to blame himself. Like if I was more attracted to him, I wouldn't be scared of a relationship. Or if he was a better boyfriend I would just be happier in general. Or (the most ridiculous, considering) if he was more RIGHTEOUS than his prayers for me would be working.

Blaming MYSELF for my issues is bad enough. But HIM blaming HIMSELF for my issues? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I do NOT want my screwed-up-ed-ness to hurt him! This is part of the reason I have been so SCARED to even admit I love him because I don't want to mess up his life!

I want to BE A HAPPY PERSON.

But more than that, I want Fresno to be happy. If at all possible I want us to be happy at the same time... together...

but if not, just don't let me ruin him.

I really REALLY need to get therapy again.
I WILL call Dr. Apparently. But I am also trying to work around OTHER, more physical doctors, including an MRI… next week? And working. SO MUCH WORKING. Monday I worked 12 hours. Tuesday I worked 9. Today I have off. But I am feeling more than a little DEAD at present. My headache is coming back and the stress of day camps is NOT helping. Oh! But about today…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!!!

Can I just say that even though we have our problems, I DO love this country and am (usually) glad to live here!? However, I am not a fan of the national anthem. Sorry, Francis Scott Key or whoever. If I had my druthers, I would pick Proud to Be an American. I know, it seems a little country-ish for me, but honestly NO OTHER SONG makes me feel more love for this nation than that. In fact, when I see it done at the Bellagio dancing waters, it HAS made me almost CRY.

Way WAY better in person, just fyi. Awww… I need to take another Vegas trip. It’s been far too long. Too bad I now seem to be the ONLY one of my family who doesn’t hate Vegas. (and yes, I know it is Sin City. But STILL… Bellagio! Fountain! Art! And! Ummm… themed hotels that make me giggle!

Poor Bellagio… SO pretty in the middle of Babylon.) Not that my family are who I would want to drive with ANYWAY. DEATH TO FAMILY VACATIONS!
So, anyway, because it is the holiday today the Roomie and I had her hyper nieces over who were pretty bratty but also way cute. “LOOK! The dog is rattling her tail!”
“Hmm… Shasta is now a snake?”

They also thought Boo the GERBIL was a BEAVER. Hee hee hee hee!

Then I went to the Padres' and we all went to Red Lobster for the Endless Soup and Salad. (and cheese biscuits. Because really now, let’s be honest. Mom and I are TRYING to be better Diabetics, but you just CAN’T resist those things!!!)

I only ate one bowl of the “endless” soup, but I shouldn’t have eaten so many carbs. Because now I feel sick. Besides I ALREADY felt sick with the headache… and stress… and kind of wanting to curl in a ball and cry in a closet but I don’t have that closet anymore or I would.

Sad that I have half of my own HOUSE and I still pine a bit for a crawl space under the stairs to cry in. But such is life… and such is ME.

I am not a very big fan of me today.

I DID do some good today. I did some FlyLady-style 15 minute-ing in the basement. That was good. Just not… enough.

I am suddenly feeling really cut-off and isolated. See, the internet is down. And my phone died. And it can’t even receive calls while charging. So at present this “blogging” is actually being typed into a document to keep me from flying in a million directions over at the Padres while we wait for my dad to decide on the next part of the day’s “fun.”

I feel more like going home and being alone.

But at the same time, I know that’s not a super wise choice. So I am stuck here.

The window is just SAD now. Usually anytime we look out there is at least ONE deer, usually a few, in the backyard. Now I see none.

We may watch a video soon. If we don't I think I am going home anyway, depressed or not. I feel like crap.

And also, it FEELS like a weekend so it is rather annoying to know I have work (and lots of it) tomorrow. Back to day camp world. I really DO LOVE my work... but we are still just SO SHORT STAFFED!

OH! But we have a new guy, who has the potential of being REALLY good. He IS brilliant, rather cute (but just 18), and a herptology genius. However the reptile thing is... well, let's just say he is SO into them even *I* think it's weird. And if you KNOW me and my babies and the level at which I am OBSESSED with them, well, you know that is saying a lot. Still.. he is pretty fascinating.

Anyway, I am gonna go now.

22,23, 24...

I don't really know what I expect to say, or have him say, either when/if we talk Saturday, or if he answers that last email. I guess nothing.

I don't know what to think or feel right now. I feel like... well, like taking too many meds till if I wasn't certain that with my luck they would just make me throw up... and if I didn't have enough testimony to believe that dying doesn't even end anything anyway. And I feel like... apparently... eating macaroni and cheese and watching chick flicks and turning off my brain. Only the problem if I really DON'T feel like that. It is too hot for Mac & Cheese and chick flicks are a sure fire way to BAWL. And yet, that is just what I am doing. Mac & Cheese and watching Music and Lyrics and the only pill I may be ODing on is Prilosec because my Ulcers have seriously decided to kill me.

I am trying to be cool about this. But to be honest, I feel completely and totally broken. And while logically I know I will get over this someday... maybe even someday meet someone again (though that part is less sure)... I don't feel like it at ALL.

Bleeding from the outside in would be... like... a Transfusion, wouldn't it?

Wow, the clouds are so pretty right now. They are BRILLIANT pink. I haven probably had a TV overload. I am watching the season finale of 24 right now. Before that the (tapes of) Scrubs, The Office, and Gilmore Girls.

At least I overloaded on GOOD TV. Hee hee! But, well, BAD TV has it's happy place, too. I am watching TV and an ad for some silly Made-for-TV suspense movie called Pandemic comes on. This guys gets sick and the doctor person says "It's like he bled from the inside out!" Ummm, people, we ALWAYS bleed from the inside out. You can't bleed from the outside in!

But then, I have recently been deciding the world is just full of bad writing. Case in point, margarine at Smith's grocery. HA!

I'm sorry but does that slogan sound a little weird to anyone else?! Like, "I don't know what it IS, but Butter it's NOT..."

Anyway, today was really really frustrating. I am trying to not bawl any more, though, so here goes the sunshine edited version...

First I met with my Psych and ended up crying a ton, because, that's what I DO when I have to talk about Depression stuff. However, he gave me a TON of assignments for the insomnia and said that 15 of 15 people who actually DID the assignments got into normal sleep in 8 weeks. The other 2 in his study didn't do the assignments.

So I have full intentions of being insomnia free by mid-July. And I will never again even take "how early does it start?" into consideration in career exploration! See how positive I am being?
He also told me I needed to go to regular appointments with another psychologist, like therapy and stuff. I haven't CALLED Dr. Apparently yet, but I will tomorrow. Because, well, THIS is not working. Whatever we want to call this.

So I will get an appointment with him soon. I hope he can help.

But I will tell you what I am pretty sure is NOT going to help... this OTHER counselor, a career counselor lady at Voc Rehab which was ALSO today. I only even WENT there because the Psych referred me to try out their program. I didn't want to go anyway. So FINE. Whatever. I don't care if she DOES ever get back to me. I left crying my head off and stayed crying much of the rest of the day.

I want to do this. I want to fix me. I want to stay happy awhile for a change.

I want...
to wake up at a normal time and go to SLEEP when I get in bed.
to be able to have a full-time job with benefits that I like as much as my part-time, $7/hour/ no benefits on at TGP that will, after all, be pretty much phased out once field trip season is over. I mean I can get hours here and there, but yeah, BLEH.
to be happy when things are happy and be able to HANDLE having a good relationship.
to control my blood sugar and not be diabetic!
to lose around 105 pounds, ideally.
to curb these constant headaches and just "get a headache" like a normal person!
to get all normal in my, uhh, SOUTHERN region and the hormonal crap that goes along with that junk.
to gain more flexibilty in my calves so I don't get Charlie Horses so much.
to be on meds that do more HELP than HARM! Grrr!
to be more financially independent... yeah, that's a LITTLE off-topic, but not much because all that makes a significant difference in how difficult THAT particular goal is to accomplish.

ANYWAY, as for the whole insomnia thing, one of those assignments besides a journal thingy to fill out is a very strict bedtime regardless of whether I SLEEP during it. SIGH. Not as hard as the OTHER end though... waking up at 7 am.

So, to that end, I am off to feed the babies and go to bed. :O/

Cat Empire and Gerbil Torture

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY!

So, Fridays aren't usually as exciting when you not only work Saturdays, but work an extra long day... in the sun... teaching wild and crazy boy scouts. But it WAS rather Friday-ish. For one thing, even though I was writing 8th grade curriculum (ugh... WAY too close to my own skill level to be fun or effective!) most of the day we kept giggling at the pageant ladies next door and quoting Miss Congeniality all day. ALSO because Rinny needed to leave early to a meeting with some chocolate guy we met at this Show to try and get us some cocoa beans and plants and such for our field trips, *I* got to leave early, too! So I was driving home when CC called to play! YAY!

She drove to my house and brought me my birthday present! She gave me Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s AND a card game called Big Fish Little Fish. And if you are thinking SHE is late, well, consider I gave her her CHRISTMAS present, what, a week ago? hee hee hee!

Anyway, we drove around, went bead shopping (including some that I intend to make into a very awesome necklace that look like... uhh... PEACH PITS(?)... hee hee hee!), laughed at people who try to shop at Target after closing, and had diet Limeades at Sonic while listening to CC's fantastically eclectic tunes. (Hey, and CC, don't forget to give me Cupcake's rejects!)

OH, and we saw SUCH a cool car! Seriously, new cars... MEH. I *HEART* OLD STUFF. Especially with their eyes closed. Yes, I over anthropomorphize cars. Hee hee hee hee hee!

Then we came back to the house and played with (ie: mildly traumatized) my gerbil, Boo for awhile. Don't worry. She'll get over it. Hee hee!

It was a good night. THANKS, CC!

The one bad thing is I realized I missed a call from Fresno and I am sure he is asleep and he sounded pretty bummed because we haven't really talked in so long, like almost a whole week. So I will email him before heading to bed and try to cheer him up with firmed up travel plans and... umm... pictures of me in pimp hats? Hee hee?

Eeew?

TMI Survey (from Stewie)

1. Sex is best in the morning, afternoon, or night? I don't know yet.
2. What side of the bed do you sleep on? I move a lot. And plus also, I don't share a bed. When I DO have to (like with my sister or cousins at a hotel or something) I just call whatever side has a nightstand. I wear glasses, you know.
3. Pork, Beef, or Chicken? I don't really like beef. Sometimes I like chicken. I like the kind of pork in Cafe Rio salads. I am not a meat person, typically anyway. Though I feel like a carnivore at home with my roomie since she's vegetarian.
4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? Yeah. Bleh.
5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on? To be honest, I think it varies. Whichever way feels the least like I will fall over from. And sometimes that changes.
6. Candles or Incense? Depends on the scent of either. Both have equal capacity to either sooth me or give me a headache, depending.
7. Do you dance when no one is watching? Yes. And ONLY then.
8. Did you play doctor when you were little? Yes. I mean, I played doctor... but I don't remember actually playing doctor, you know? I don't know.
9. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? Nooo... but is anyone offering?
10. Stove top cooking or microwave? If *I* am doing it? Microwave. If someone else is? Then most things taste better from the stove of oven.
11. Would you rather want your car or your house be dirty? The car. That way at least it is only ME being constantly inconvenienced. Also the car is an easier job to tackle over and over and over than my ever cluttered house.
12. Shower or bath? Shower for cleaning bath for reading and relaxing.
13. Do you pee in the shower? I *have* but just when I was TOLD to for a UTI.
14. Mexican or Chinese food? Chinese!!!
15. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? IDKY!
16. Do you own sex toys? I wouldn't call anything down there FUN yet.
17. Corn Dogs or Hot Dogs? I really don't like the ORDER of these questions. Disturbing!
18. Your favorite restaurant? Maybe Macaroni Grill or any good Chinese place or, like, Kneaders.
19. What did you have for lunch today? some eggs and toast and milk.
20. Which do you prefer, iceberg or romaine lettuce? I HATE Iceberg. I mostly just like spinach. But romaine hearts are good for wannabe lettuce wraps.
21. When did you last fall down? Hello, I'm ME. So, like, probably last week?
22. Have you ever wished someone were dead? Yes. But I have never acted on it.
23. Love or Money? I should say Love. But money is much less THREATENING. Still, probably love.
24. Credit Cards or cash? If I didn't have to actually PAY BACK the cards, I would so vote plastic because then I don't have to COUNT! But since I *do* have to pay them back, CASH, definitely.
25. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't? Yes. USUALLY I want them back the next week after I've cooled down (like in the case of Padre or Aunt O or T-La), but not always. And some (like Padre's Bro Uncle Rude or Mom's BiL Uncle MikeLestor) I would be just plenty pleased if they fell in a hole and never climbed out.
26. Oreos or Vanilla Wafers? Oreo. I want some RIGHT NOW! If they had, like, fat-free sugar-free ones... that tasted the same... that magically appeared in my cupboard right now. ACTUALLY, if they existed they wouldn't have to appear. I'd go buy them right now.
27. How do you like your steak cooked? By someone else, FOR someone else. I don't like steak.
28. How do you like your eggs cooked? Over hard. NOTHING runny. BLEH. Eeew.
29. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in fight? Not, like punching then and knocking them out, but I have pushed them to the ground, yeah.

30. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel? Mostly
camping. Until actual time to sleep, because, well, beds are better for my back, but in terms of before and after I LOVE camping!
31. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery? surgery. i have extra nerves in my mouth and they *never* get me numb. <--- ME TOO! Weird! Anyway, at least with a major surgery you would be presumably ASLEEP during it and root canals I am awake and super stressed.
32. Would you shave your entire body (including your head)? Why?
33. Would you rather have lice or an STD? LICE.

34. What is your favorite hard candy? I am a HUGE fan of Werther's and Creme Savers because both of them have a sugar free version that tastes just the same!
35. Ever been to a strip club? No
36. Ever been to a bar? yes, but not to drink.
37. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? Well, we had to leave that one place that we were getting Garlic Burgers because the "LifeExperience" girl didn't remember to bring her dang LICENSE. I mean, that wasn't really ME getting kicked out, but we were nice and didn't make her eat in the car by herself.
38. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? Nope.
39. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Not unless you count, like, kissing babies on the forehead or little cousins on the cheek (For the record I do not believe in kissing children on the mouth, not even your own kids. I mean, some people would disagree and I am not saying I would think THEY were bad for doing so, I just think it is... unwise. I think it makes your child more of a target for sexual predators. Too hard for them to know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate affectionate touching.)
40. Thrown up from drinking too much? Yes... but not alcohol. hee hee!
41. Have you ever kissed a stranger? Not on the lips. I had to randomly kiss cheeks with the older Latina ladies on my mission. Which was weird enough, really.
42. Does anyone have naughty pics of you? Not NAUGHTY, No. Heck, not even *I* have naughty pics of me. There are plenty of EMBARRASSING shots out there of me though. *grumble grumble*

Who Knew Balloons were SO IMPORTANT to everyone?! GEEZ!

28. It's not as old as I thought when I was a kid, but still... closer to 30 than 20. It's been a good year, though. I moved into The Ark with the Roomie and her puppies. I like that. I met Fresno, and now I am actually DATING him. I finally got a job I rather *like*, even if the pay is chicken feed and there is no insurance. I finally figured out the source of my hellish headaches. My baby bro got his mission call to Italy. I got a SpongeBob balloon... oh wait. That was just today. Hee hee!

Today has been CRAZY, though!!! So first of all the field trips were running behind. And then we lost all electricity because construction guys cut the underground wires with the backhoe! It wasn't too much of a problem for US, GIVING the field trips, but in the barn with the computers and cash registers? MAYHEM!

THEN Cowboy Matt was in with the Jacob's Sheep (and on all fours for some reason. I need to ask him about that.). They are the ones with big scary horns. A protective mother BUTTED HIM IN THE FACE! It CRUSHED his nose, and true to the Cowboy Way he put on a bandage, stuffed gauze in his nose and STAYED AT WORK!!! There was blood everywhere! And the scariest part, in terms of how hard he was hit, was that not all of the blood was Cowboy Matt's! One of the ewe's HORNS was knocked LOOSE! Kids were freaking out!

Crazy field trips! Then when we were cleaning up and I went to get some supplies I came back to the classroom barn the education department started singing Happy Birthday to me and Rinny had a Hostess cupcake with a candle lit in it! And THEN right after I blew out the candle I got a phone call that there was a flower delivery coming to my office. So Rinny and I headed to the office to find this cute bowl full of flowers! Lots of daisies (my favorite besides dandelions). And the bowl is super cute with birthday candles. The card said:

"I wish I could be there to see your smiling face right now! (And you BETTER be smiling!)
Much Love,
[Fresno]"

How sweet is that?

Anyway, then I worked on the curriculum for a few hours and then drove to the Asian Buffet to meet the family for my birthday dinner. Because, mostly, Padre LOVES those Free Birthday meals. Well, they really ARE the strictest EVER. (I think they just scrutinize US because they know Dad's the one who leaves the rice off of his sushi.) They only do it WITH a coupon ON your actual birthday WITH your driver's license. Which is FINE, but they took my ID for like 20 minutes! And the guy looked SUPER suspicious of me! I don't know if it's just because it was Padre or because of the new ID designs but I felt like I was trying to get a free million dollars instead of just some shrimp, wonton things, and exceptionally crappy desserts. Really why DO they have such bad desserts? Oh well, the egg drop soup more than makes up for it.

Anyway, I got the coolest fortune. "A 4-Wheeled adventure will bring you happiness soon." So random! Mom was funny though, she was like SERIOUSLY sad and stressed that she didn't get me BALLOONS. I told her I sure didn't care. But she just kept saying "Oh I can't believe you didn't get balloons from anybody!" I really didn't care. BUT when I got home the Roomie HAD got me a balloon anyway! (I called my mom and told her. She said "Oh! Thank her for me!")

And the present tied to it was a (rather creepy) skateboarding thumb person. Her name is Andie. It is a VERY weird toy. I love it!

Fresno, too, is ADORABLE. He called me a little bit ago. I had already sent him a thank you message, but he'd been at work. So we only just actually talked. He sang Happy Birthday to me and told me, like, 20 stupid jokes. (We were in a VERY punny mood) I told him how much I loved the flowers, and he asked if my co-workers had teased me about the balloons.

"Balloons?"

He was SO upset! He had ORDERED flowers AND a TON of balloons and they didn't deliver! (Who knew everyone was going to get so hung up on a little helium?!) He went off on them for FOREVER, then apologized for ruining my birthday. I told him he didn't, but he just ranted on. (And he didn't even know about my mom's balloonless woes) He is PISSED at Flowers on Main and plans to call them tomorrow morning to complain... AND make them deliver me balloons. I told him not to worry about the balloons. I felt bad he didn't get what he paid for, but I LOVED the gift as is. But he was bummed and disappointed because it wasn't PERFECT. As he said, he wanted it to be big and for everyone to see them and congratulate me since he couldn't be here to do so. I told him that I got a LOT of comments about the flowers, but he was pretty inconsolable. Silly boy.

Anyway, again I should go to bed early(not that I'll SLEEP. GRRR.). Waking up for these field trips is killing me. So tired it causes actual pain. If I don't adjust soon, I think it may kill me. But, hey, Happy Birthday to ME!