Random thoughts all weekend

I want the hot to GO AWAY NOW. Come on, seriously. It is WINDY out there, but it is, like HOT wind even.

Still, at least I'm not with Fresno. He's had a VERY bad week and has been really bummed at work... and the temperature at his house today was ONE HUNDRED AND NINE DEGREES. Actually, although I pretended to pitty him the most and made a big deal out of how bad I feel for him, I REALLY wanted to cry for his DOGS. The poor fuzzbutts are OUTSIDE in FUR COATS!!! I mean, yes, they have the garage as a dog house and they always have water and he leaves on a mister for them in the yard, but STILL those ginormous puppies don't have AC after all.

The poor babies. They need to be house-trained, groomed, and become, at least sometimes, inside dogs in my opinion. But that's just my opinion and unless we end up together (me and Fresno) and those babies end up half mine, I am going to just keep those to myself. Poor things. It must be so miserable for them.

ACTUALLY, what they need is too move to a COOLER state... preferably one where gliders are legal, too? Just to make things simpler. Hee hee hee!

So in case you couldn't guess, I have just spent the last 2 hours being a giggly girl on the phone with Fresno. We haven't talked for more than 5 minutes here and there for days so it was good. Not that wae always talk happy or easy. There is a fair amount of silly flirty stuff. But there is also hard stuff. We talk about me and my medical stuff. (And Stewie, your letter, btw). Because, well, he asks about it... like... details. Which are fairly awkward even when described vaguely, you know? However, we also talked a TON about Transformers (how much he loved it, how much I think I WILL love it) and the dogs. SIGH. I just *so* like him.

You Would Do Most Things For Love

You are willing to go pretty far for love - but not far enough to compromise your core values. Love is a priority for you, and you'll go further than most people to hold on to someone you love. But killing for love? Or even taking a bullet? Probably out of the question. No matter what, you love yourself the most!

Would You Do Anything For Love?

What People Think of Your Mouth

People see you as both demanding and irresistible. You are often the center of attention - and that's how you like it. You are up for anything and very energetic. People sometimes propose wild ideas to you. And who knows? Maybe you'll take them up on it. You are known to be a little freaky!

What Does Your Mouth Say About You?

It is later now. I am happier to say it seems like it MAY even storm after all! I hope so! I would LOVE some rain to cool things down. (Though not lightning. This state has had more than our share of wildfires this summer already. All the poor little kiddlets at camp with asthma are having a terrible time with the smoky air.) PLEEEEEEEEASE rain!

I want cool, clean rain. And pancakes. Not together.

I just ALSO happen to want pancakes.

You Are a Pegasus

You are a perfectionist, with an eye for beauty. You know how to live a good life - and you rarely deviate from your good taste. While you aren't outgoing, you have excellent social skills. People both admire you - and feel very comfortable around you.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth Those who like you give into their impulses

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Guess what, though? Tomorrow I am headed up north for my Uncle Bob and Aunt Maralyn speaking in church to welcome them home from an LDS mission in Romania. This is their SECOND mission. Years ago, Uncle Bob was the mission president of Lithuania. But yeah, this time they have been in Romania.

It is my dad's side. Some of Padre's family is awesome. Most are NUTS. (same goes for Mom's side. But oddly, they seem crazy in for different reasons.)

Все счастливые семьи похожи друг на друга, каждая несчастливая семья несчастлива по-своему

(Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.)

-Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

But, no matter what, it will be FUNNY. Family things are AAARGH. Hilarious.

Your Family Is 63% Dysfunctional

Your family definitely has some major problems, and they're still effecting you today. It's time for you to step back, reassess, and decide what kind of role your family should have in your life. The people around you can be toxic, and there's no reason to let your family bring you down. Consider getting some therapy or talking the situation over with a good friend. And spend more time around people who truly care for you!

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

I will write more about that, well AFTER! Because for now I should go to BED!

"That is not a photo. That is a sharpie marker drawing on a piece of photo paper... that IS a very good likeness, though."

Dang but it is hot. I am still not convinced my swamp cooler really works... not just because Padre is my Landie and is the one that fixed it, either. It just DOES not seem to be doing the trick. I am melting!

Today was bad at work. I need to remember I do NOT want to do birthday parties! UGH. SUCKY SUCKY day, work-wise.

I am still up and down with the relationship thing.

Fresno and I are... iffily... dating again. I don't know how this is going to go. On the one hand that whole thing forced me to think hard about things... on the other it made me discuss my, umm, SEX DRIVE with FRESNO (TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSING!) and then with my MOM (HOLY HELL.) and probably later with my DOCTORS.

Because, okay, here is the thing. I suppose there IS more to it than just "not having practice" like I thought... after talking. And that kind of weirds me out. A LOT.

But... I don't know.

Part of me doesn't care because, for the moment anyway, I have Fresno BACK. And I so like that boy! I do not want to lose him... I don't know if I am delaying the inevitable... but for now... SIGH. Confused, mixed up, happy, scared... BLERGH.

NOW IT'S SUNDAY...

On a completely frivolous note I have watched 2 movies this weekend, and, shockingly both TOTALLY entertained me!


First of all I FINALLY saw X-Men - The Last Stand! Took me long enough, I know! But I liked it. I expected to... I liked the other 2, after all. But still Yay! I am a nerd and it was good comic bookness!

But the other I saw I sure didn't know if it would suck. It was the Mockumentary about Mormon movies, The Work & the Story which *I* thought was pretty hilarious. But, apparently I may be in the minority. It cracked me up... especially the nod to the Coen brothers at the end. Hee hee hee!

Anyway, now I gotta get to church.

You know the expression, "When it Rains, it Pours?"

Well, SOMETIMES when it rains, it pours, sleets, hails, and floods. And I mean that literally AND figuratively.

I think if I write things out it will help me not feel so out of control. But I would also like to not type the f-word 600 times because I hate that word. So here goes.

Woke up with the pretty obvious realization that I was still sick and not going to work, but with too much pain to even sit up. I heard water running, but decided once it had stopped awhile and given it enough time to heat up I would CRAWL, if need be, to the bathtub and try to coax my muscles into working again. Just let The Roomie finish her shower or let that laundry load finish or whatever was running. I called Rinny to say I was death warmed over and closed my eyes for a few minutes to let my turn come. But here's the thing, I fell asleep for a couple HOURS... but could still hear water! I was annoyed that I had slept through... what, one load, and into another? I decided to check.

I climbed out of bed and thought I was still dreaming, maybe abut that bath, because my feet were inch deep in water. Not standing water. RUSHING water rushing under the door and covering my bedroom floor, my hall, my bathroom. Coming from the laundry room. The water heater was burst open and I couldn't turn it off. I turned every knob I could find while calling my dad on mt cell for help. I could barely talk. I kept crying... and throwing up.

Padre came over and was yelling, I was crying. I don't even know if he was yelling at me or just the situation, I didn't even hear words. He turned off our water and called a plumber and started pulling up my carpet. I slipped on the kitchen floor going to the door and killed my back. Suzy had had an accident on the floor. I cleaned it up. Then back downstairs. I got a broom and started trying to sweep the water out and into the drain in the washroom.

I was sick again.

Mom came over, They were both helping me, but I couldn't stop crying. My bed and stuff was all moved into the family room, everything I had on the floor, which being me, was a lot... was drenched. The parents had to leave. I went upstairs to make sure the plumber get in and slipped on the floor AGAIN. I yelled at Suzy, which was not only unfair, fruitless, and cruel considering her background... but stupid. Because suddenly a drop fell on my HEAD and Suzy can't FLY. There was a huge wet crack above my head and it was storming outside. Our ROOF was leaking. I started to cry again and apologize to the pup, who, of course, understood not a word.

Then The Roomie showed up with J, the disabled guy she tends. I told her all of what was going on. Then the plumber man came and he got to work. Hope at last! I continued to sweep water from under the now propped up carpet with fans everywhere. He did stuff, I swept, then he told me to turn on the hot water faucet to release some pressure. It didn't do any WATER, of course, but I guess it did something. J thought it was AWESOME of course and kept CLAPPING for the plumber and saying "Yay! You did it!" He also thought it was so fun that there was water on the floor.

Anyway, Roomie and I swept and then couldn't do any more for awhile and went upstairs, used The Roomie's bathroom, and generally talked myself through a little breakdown... at first. The Roomie took J out for awhile, luckily, too.

After awhile, Plumber man asked if we had a mop. So I brought one down and he said "so, I guess your sink drain was blocked and the hot water was on. So, yeah". I looked. WAY WAY WAY more water on the floor. Not one inch... more like 5. Standing water, EVERYWHERE. EVERY room. "So, umm, you have hot water now.... couldn't hear the faucet over the fans. S**t. Sorry about this, but I have to go to school."

I couldn't fight back. I literally sat down in the water and cried. Then I thought the fans would electrocute me, so I jumped up and unplugged them and began to sweep and bail water out of my room again. Then I checked the drawers of my bathroom cupboard, each totally full of water and just plain crap. My jars and bottles of meds and things were open, many of them. I threw away so much. Everything ruined. Meds and soaps and other things. And apparently cleansers that when I was dumping all the spoiled things down the toilet splashed on me... because my hands and feet are covered in rashes and chemical burns.

I tried. I tried really really hard. I just could not handle things. J and The Roomie came home and as soon as she turned her back J booked it downstairs to look at the FUN that was going on in the basement. Unfortunately, the "fun" he found was me down on the floor crying and saying "I give up I give up I give up" and thinking really bad things. And it terrified him and he started to BAWL and then yell "NO NO NO" at me and hide under my blanket which I told him to put down because I didn't want his snot on it.

Because I am a really wretched person today. I yell at abused dogs and handicapped people who I have scared the crap out of. I felt AWFUL and it made me feel worse and cry harder.

I really hated me today. And I hate the extent to which I hated me today.

After I scared away J, I cleaned up more, cried more, prayed like mad, and told the parents what happened and to see if they still had a carpet cleaner that could suck out the even MORE water that now was in my basement. Padre came to help and ask HOW this happened. I told him. He was FURIOUS at the plumber. He helped clean a little but mostly, I think he left to go chew out the plumber. I told him it was probably my fault. I didn't know I needed to stay at the faucet or whatever. I was sick, I left. I assumed that the plumber should have things covered himself. I don't know. I can't care anymore.

So now I am in my bed in the family room feeling only a little less depressed than the rest of the day. But I think I will, at least, have my hot shower at last before going to sleep.

Hamsters in Pants are DISTURBINGLY Sparse on Google Images

Last night I got an email saying that today admission to the zoo was FREE as a "Wild Wednesday." Now, I know a free $8 ticket isn't normally enough to prompt a random all-day trip downtown. But I have been feeling restless and needing to take some photos and I haven't been to the zoo in FOREVER! So, I just took off... by myself... to Hogle Zoo. Yep. Random. And COLD. But fun!



I may blog more about the zoo itself and it's changes recently in my animal-focused blog, Tails from the Ark, later. The zoo has both nostalgic AND conservationist value to me, personally. It is important to me, our dorky Utah zoo. The animals there, I *know* them. I have seen some of them grow up. I met them when I first visited family in Utah, around 25 years ago. We go back, these animals and I! Anyway, yeah, I think I'll talk more about their specific care (OH! And the fact that I just found out The Ark has a NEW baby... The Roomie adopted a new Parrot today! She called it her birthday present to herself.) and all of that later, in my animal blog. Spare you guys details of enrichment ideas I got for my gliders from fruit bats and marmosets (oh, and in this case, "enrichment" is critter talk... not Mormon talk). Unless you WANT details. Then, umm, HERE?

Anyway, my favorite part of the zoo was the Tiger because, well, first of all they are one of my favorite animals, but mostly even though the pics suck, he really WAS playing in the snow! IT WAS ADORABLE! I wanted to take wire cutters to that flimsy chain link and climb in and hug him if it was the last thing I did... and it could have been. Hee hee! Really cute though.


Also, I love all the little things. Critters that get skipped over. They are ALL fascinating. I LOVE ZOOS!


Oh and how can you not like monkeys? (Almost every picture I took is terrible. Dimly lit rooms, but glass cages and reflections of flashes, so had to turn them off, but the animals move quickly, etc. SIGH.) Fresno is afraid of monkeys. Really! It's like a phobia. I think he plays it up to be funny but really is creeped out. He actually was very scared of my gliders, too, the first trip here, even though he was nice about it. But this last trip I think Heber finally won him over and he REALLY likes them. But still not monkeys or apes of any kind. (except King Kong, which he thought was funny.) But look at those FACES! HOW can you not LOVE them? I want to cuddle every single one!
Actually, not true. I want to hold and cuddle BABY primates, and cute small adults. Nothing with large bare testes. Because I think, like, Baboons are FASCINATING from the neck up. But SO NOT CUTE. And ANY animal with an unfurry butt is GROSS and should, like, wear pants.

Seriously. I do NOT want to see that. Male Hamsters? DISGUSTING. They should be made to wear pants. Male Rats? PANTS. Baboons? PANTS. I do not know if any female animals have similarly disgusting butts, but same goes for them (and they are free to wear pants, rather than skirts, let's just have things equal. )

Luckily, at the zoo none of the animals with ugly butts mooned me, not even the Baboon. That is better than at the pet store where the male rats, hamsters, etc. are literally DRAGGING their junk around and I have to look at something adorable (like my sugar gliders... or even gerbil... all of which are very cute and modestly furred fron top to bottom and therefore don't have to wear clothes of any kind to be precious) to keep from shuddering.

Speaking of my suggies, they don't HAVE any at the zoo! They have flying squirrels. They have bats.


But the only glider RELATIVE they had was a very cute Bennett's Wallaby, I think it was?
I think they should have a whole sugar glider COLONY there, like they'd have in Australia! With a huge arboreal enclosure with trees and... yeah... actually EDUCATE people about these fuzzbutts before they BUY them so I don't see so many in need of NEW homes because their owner didn't know what the heck they were getting INTO! They are one of the coolest little critters you could ever know, but are NOT for everyone!!! I realize, since they are, well, my LIFE, I am a little biased. But STILL I think the zoo DOES need a colony. Hee hee hee!

Anyway, after the zoo I got sort of lost in Salt Lake, but it was fine as I found a DI and ended up buying some AWESOME toys for my OWN "zoo" babies and a couple of HILARIOUS records for Rinny. Like ones we had when we were little! I am rather jealous of her record player. Hmmm... that MIGHT be something I buy when I 1. get my life in order and my house out of CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) 2. have a job and 3. am financially independent.

On the job front, I called the HR lady at TGP to "see if [she'd] recieved my resume" in other words to remind her to look at it and be impressed... hopefully. She DID sound impressed/positive but said she was still trying to figure out the "proper channels" of an interview while avoiding nepotism. SIGH. Anyway, still praying for that to work out. AND, that would be a LITTLE like working at a zoo. There ARE animals there, after all.

Aaaaand I was going to write about FRESNO, but as it is late AGAIN and I am behind, I won't. Well, I WILL, but another day. Besides the many that THIS post has taken.

You didn't bring me here to drown so why am I 10 feet under and upside down?

Okay, so, where the devil is my Weather Pixie?! What does a pixelated doll need to take a vacation for?! And does the flag mean it is a holiday? Do the little Weather Pixie boy scouts put them out as a way to earn money like in our neighborhood? (and if so, our Real Life scouts didn't put our flag out for Mardi Gras/Shrove Tuesday/Fat Tuesday/National Pancake Day... I think they only do, like, patriotic type holidays... though come to think of it, I don't know if they remembered to put ours out for Presidents Day!) And is that a short pole or is it half-mast? Did... my Pixie DIE? Should I clap to bring her back? (Or is it for Trolley Square?)

Okay, shutting up now about the Weather Pixie, but it weirded me out. And I am going to finish this tomorrow because instead, I am going to go to bed... but maybe write someone first.
o o o o o o o o o

Other than that, well, I had been having an odd day. A normal day in Real Life, but my brain was elsewhere... with elsewhom... only, like, not, and yeah. So I went shopping looking everywhere for the freaky red powder used in Hawai'i because I really needed some with pineapple last night, but couldn't remember the name. So, I called Rinny to see if she remembered the name of it (and yes, I know elsewhom is not a real word.).

Well, when she called me back I don't know HOW but somehow I ended up walking around the grocery store venting to RINNY on the phone! Can we say the blind leading the blind? Anyway, then I came home and should have gone to sleep. But of course, I couldn't sleep. Instead, I wrote to Fresno. Basically I babbled and sorta dumped my mini-existential crisis in his lap. DAMN IT. Sometimes I wish I had a Wayback Machine. But I guess this just goes in the category of "things that will either scare him away or not but either way I will probably babble like this again so he may as well be used to it." STILL, I should really have a venting letter holding period of a day or 2 before sending. Review it first, THEN send.

Plus, it was 4 am when I was HEAD BANGING... and to Kacy Crowley and Rachel Loy?! What was THAT?! Where the heck is my HARD stuff? GEEZ!!! My brain, seriously! GOOD FREAKING GORDON! Anyway, yeah. I need to go to water aerobics.

SIGH.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
The water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you, everything would be alright
If I see you this darkness will turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cos I'm so used to living under the surface

If I could just see you, everything would be alright
If I see you this darkness will turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
Now everything is alright
Everything's alright.

p.s. on a lighter note, I FINALLY saw Nacho Libre and LOVED IT!!!! It is seriously, HILARIOUS.

p.p.s. The powder is Li Hing Mui Powder

T.G.I.S.

Guess what? I made it to Church! And most of the day was very good, if rather painful. But a BEAUTIFUL day for it. I parked far from the doors of the chapel because the weather was so nice at last! I wore sandals and it just felt so nice walking to the church in without shivering! Sigh! It felt so springy! Thank you, Puxatony Phil! (Though I am sure it is super temporary)

It was a good meeting. It was fast and testimony meeting, which sometimes annoys me, but this time it seemed everyone who shared their feelings about this gospel were sincere at least. And it was just good to be there. For a little while, my head got so bad I couldn't stay sitting and had to leave to lay back in the foyer. I hated that and felt embarrassed, but at least came back for a little after that, though I still hurt so much.

I also made an appointment to talk with the Bishop. I went home, played with the dogs a little, ate some soup, and, as our tradition dictates, watched LHOTP with the Roommate. Then it was time to hurry BACK to the church to talk to the Bishop. We talked about my health a lot, but also about getting my Temple recommend again. Get back going regularly, you know? At least as soon as I can get this head nightmare under control. I don't love this ward. But I am trying. And I DO like the Bishop and trust him. So that is SOMETHING anyway. He also gave me a blessing that the doctors would do a good job tomorrow, and that I would have peace about it. But I am still pretty nervous.

So it is a good Sabbath. Oh, and by the way, I *know* this isn't a normal Sunday. It is SUPER BOWL Sunday! But, well, I am just NOT in the mood for football today. Although, as I was explaining in a recent survey I have recently become much more of a football fan provided the "company" is right. I have always liked football, but am more of a walk in for 2 minutes, catch the score, walk out, etc. type fan. Sort of like Sports ADD. hee hee! But I think I watched an ENTIRE football game for the first time in a few YEARS this year day after Thanksgiving because I happened to be seated closely on the couch next to my SUPER football fan, "Fresno."

But I am not all that footbally when I am here, alone, you know? Plus, well, no team I love. That would make a difference. (Besides that I like COLLEGE ball, not NFL much anyway, but if it must be NFL it is 49ers or Texans... and I don't expect to see them in the Super Bowl anytime soon. Hee hee! But college is better.)

Anyway, I saw a commercial today (NOT a funny "Super Bowl" one, a really lame and sappy Hallmark card one) that showed the EXACT card my grandma sent me for my birthday on my mission that I kept! One that meant a lot to me, and that I hung on my wall here at my house with a turtle planting a tree. The commercial was stupid. But because of how my mission was going at that point, the poem on that silly card, well, it wasn't. And, well, today it also made me miss my grandma.

A Story About You
Who in their life
hasn't planted a peach pit
just hoping that somehow
a seedling would grow?
And then they move on
to some other adventure,
and if it comes up-
well, they don't even know.

That's one way
of picturing your style of living.
You've planted ideas
and dreams unaware.
You've noticed somebody
whose heart needs attention
and planted a positive feeling in there.
It's part of your nature.
You may not remember
the kind and encouraging
things that you've done...

But everywhere,
"peach pits"
are growing like crazy,
and people are blooming.
(I know it-I'm one.)

Thank you, Grandma. It is so weird to think of her being, well, dead. It's bizarre. Also, this may sound mean if you don't know our family, but, it's also kind of bizarre to be MISSING her so much. Not for Mom, obviously. She would miss her mother. But for me. Yeah... but I miss my Grandma today.

I'll tell you one thing about Grandma though, I did NOT get my lack of cleaning from her. She was like a scrub everything from ceiling to floor lady. Though pack rat, well we had that in common. But I didn't have the Great Depression frugality to blame for it... just not so great depression itself. And at least I don't wash, hang and REUSE plastic wrap. (Ew.)

So far, though, our sink is shiny and the kitchen is good in general and I am making headway on the living room. And I plan to do some serious FlyLady stuff this week. I am hoping to at least have the house looking good for Fresno coming. (And, no, I am not trying to trick him... he knows how messy I am. Just hoping he won't drown in clutter while he's here, you know. Though he is sleeping at the padres' not here. But yeah.

Blessings...
Football...
Peach Pits...
Grandma...
Fresno...
Kitchen Sinks...
Sigh. Trying not to think about shots.

BLEH.


Goodnight.

"Do you ever have Deja Vu?" "I Don't know. I could Check with the Kitchen?"

Happy Groundhog Day!!! I should watch that movie right NOW. I own it mostly so I CAN watch it every Groundhog Day. Actually, I love it ANY time. Hee hee hee hee! "I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster and drank pina coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get that day over and over and over... " Coats sent me a Groundhog Day card. Because she likes stupid holidays as much as me. Hee hee hee! I am a holiday junkie. But I actually do not know if Phil SAW his shadow today. I should find that out, huh? Google it or something... Oh, here we go:

Early Spring... In RHYME, no less! HA!

Today has been, well, a better than YESTERDAY day. I didn't have to talk to anybody about STILady and her imaginary car wrecks. I went to Physical Therapy, which, as usual, HURT.... but was better after. Then I went to the pharmacy and found out which of my meds were no longer covered by my new insurance. That wasn't so fun. So I bought frozen cookie dough. Then I went home and talked for awhile with the Roomie and played with the puppies and watched Perry Mason.

I was planning to go work out at the other pool with my mom, but she was late and then she called me and told me WHY was that my sister Rinny was having a little Pre-Valentinesy Emotional Breakdown. She and BoyKid had a double date planned to go to a Divine Comedy show. (ALWAYS HILARIOUS!!!) BoyKid with KidKiddo and Rinny with any of her random boys.

The problem, being it is Rinny, was THAT would be the extent of the planning and so today, the day OF the show she called, about 2 hours before it started, these random boys she liked. They had, not surprisingly, PLANS. Some of them were actually ON dates when she called.

However, instead of the logical conclusion of "Crap, I SO should have planned farther ahead and asked someone earlier" she came to the conclusion that every boy now hates her, she is hideous, and will be a spinster the rest of her life... because, well, it is February and she is single and her birthday is soon and that is the kind of thing you start to think when it is February and you are single and your birthday is coming soon. I know, I have had those. MANY MANY times. Rinny is just having a hard one right now. (Plus, (and I am trying not to be offended by this because, hello, I AGREE I am not girlfriend material!) she is really really mad that Fresno likes me. Like she was crying and mad that "even [Kipluck] has a boyfriend!!!" but also, specifically, she thinks Fresno is really cute and nice (which he IS) and "a little more of my type of boy than hers anyway!"

Okay, I know this is a little tangent, but can I just say, I have enough of a neurotic insecurity about that without a little actual TRUTH entering into it?! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?! (Now I just have to keep repeating to myself "Fresno likes ME not my cuter, skinnier sister. Fresno likes ME not my cuter, skinnier sister." GRAND. GRRRRR...)

Anyway, after bawling her head off for forever, *I* went instead of her date. Poor Rinny. It was a funny show, though. And me and Rinny actually talked and I finally saw her new place. And NEW is... well, like MONTHS. I have never seen my sister's apartment. We talked about boys and relationships and... well, marijuana... and our parents and life in general. Her new place is cute. Very, well, HER. Her bedroom is PINK. Princess stuff. Yeah. But cute... a lot cleaner than mine, obviously. And not, well, ME. But cute. However, she said it costs her too much at $450 so she wants out. So I don't know how long she'll be there. But anyway, it WAS fun. Too bad she had to be sad for it to happen, but still. Anyway, that was my day. (And by the way, I totally AM watching Groundhog Day as I write.

Your Life Is Worth...

$542,000

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

Huh. I'm a steal of a deal.

And, onto the Survey that Stewie tagged me with...

A - available or taken: Taken? WEIRD!
B - best friend: I *heart* my friends, so it is hard to say BEST. The incomparable CC, my cousin/bestest friend Megs, Mali the Nasty Butler, Out of My League Cute Fresno, The Fringe (Coats, Parker & Lil' Benny Jeppson) and My Mommy.
C - cake or pie: Depends on the occasion. PROBABLY cake (chocolate)... or the union of the two, Cheesecake.
D - drink of choice: I really like chocolate milk and hot chocolate, especially fancy flavored ones. Soda-wise I would have to go with either Black Cherry Fresca or homemade root beer.
E - essential item you use everyday: Good call, Stewie. But mine is SoftLips!
F - favorite color: Purple
G - gummy bears or worms: I like 'em BOTH. But I guess bears because you can actually PICK the flavor.
H - hometown: I usually claim Orem, Utah... Lai'e, Hawai'i... and Cleveland, Texas
I - indulgence: All things CHOCOLATE.
J - January or February: Well, THIS January has rather sucked, So I am holding out for a happier, warmer February!
K - kid's names: Presently? The fuzzy ones? Epiphany Jo, Lilo, Heber... in the future, non-fuzzy ones, I like Amythyst for a girl and Kimball for a boy.
L - life incomplete without: Friends, Animals, Family, Books, and the Gospel!
M - marriage date: Ummm someday?
N - number of siblings: 2, one brother one sister
O - oranges or apples: Probably apples, unless we're talking juice. then it's orange. <--The opposite. Oranges. Unless it's Juice. P - phobias or fears: shots, doctors, public speaking... sometimes elevators... ugh.
Q - favorite quote: today it is "I don't care what Jim says, I am 99% sure that is NOT the real Ben Franklin." - Dwight (The Office)
R - reason to smile: my suggies.
S - season: spring! Means winter's over.
T - tag 3 people: I am now tagging on the honor system. The next 3 people to read this who have not already done it, YOU'RE IT!
U - unknown fact about me: I used to worry my mom because when I was 7 or 8 I was obsessed with the occult... like voodoo, seances, etc.
V - veggie I don't like: Spicey ones. Peppers, most onions and stuff.
W - worst habit: Not being organized enough. Not cleaning enough. More of a habit of OMISSION than COMMISSION, you know? I don't DO much, though, like bite nails or anything. It's just the not doing.
X - rays: Are you kidding? Between my clumsiness and medical mysteries I have literally been X-Rayed from head to toe. Though my next is on my head... on Monday.
Y - your favorite food: Italian, Chinese, or Seafood.
Z - zodiac: Aries. That's a Goat, right? Also in Chinese Zodiac, my YEAR is the goat/ram, too... trippy, eh?

In 1979 (the year you were born)

Jimmy Carter is president of the US A major accident occurs at a nuclear reactor on Three Mile Island near Middletown, PA An American Airlines DC-10 loses its engine and crashes seconds after takeoff, killing 275 people Hurricane David kills over 1200 in the US and the Dominican Republic Some 90 people, including 63 Americans, are taken hostage at the American Embassy in Tehran, Iran The Soviet Union invades Afghanistan ESPN starts broadcasting Aaliyah, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Norah Jones, Heath Ledger, and Kate Hudson are born Pittsburgh Pirates win the World Series Pittsburgh Steelers win Superbowl XIII Montreal Canadians win the Stanley Cup Kramer vs. Kramer is the top grossing film Sophie's Choice by William Styron is published "My Sharona" by The Knack spends the most time at the top of the US charts The Facts of Life premiers

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

AAAAAAAAND another blog thing...

Everything Pizza

Diverse and adaptable You enjoy the full buffet of life It's hard to you play favorites with friends... or flavors There's very little that you dislike!

What's Your Pizza Personality?

All Stressed Up and No Place to Go

Today. was. DUMB.

It was cold.
I worked out at the pool. Yay...
but my muscles hurt SO BAD.
I watched Gilmore Girls with Mom. Yay!
But sitting that long on the Padres' chairs kicked my headache into overdrive. BIG TIME.

I do have physical therapy tomorrow, luckily. But even that... it is always so temporary. Not even temporarily perfect... Temporarily slight improvement.

Can I just... kick something? Or scream? Or punch something? I feel so frustrated right now with my health and the fact that NOTHING is helping and I have been working out and taking meds and waking up earlier (in the hopes that I will then fall asleep earlier) and I just feel so hopeless.

I have been coughing and breathing weird, too, thanks to this weather/pollution thing. Whatever it's called... Inversion. It's crap. And it makes it harder to exercise as hard as I should, too. I did do 100 crunches, etc. But I just feel awful. And my muscles ache (not blaming THAT on inversion.). And it's cold. AND MY HEAD HURTS ALL THE TIME. When will my head not hurt? Not just an annoying ache, either... but a pain where I can't think anymore.

That's when I feel like I would do ANYTHING to stop it. Take any medicine, inject it anywhere. Do anything to stop pain. To just sleep and not think or feel. It's those bad spells when I know why people do drugs... why they commit suicide... just to STOP things.

My head has been that bad several times. On the bright side, if I am ever able to get pregnant, like with help from fertility meds or something, I may not think child birth is that hard by comparison. I mean, I hate pain... but I am thinking it can't be as bad as pain I've had already. I am not just saying this, either. Doctors have said so. Compared to some of my stuff, contractions should be cake. Neat. Plus, at the end you get a prize for it. Granted, it's just a little lumpy pink person, but better than the crystals from my gall bladder, the lesions in my brain, or various other un-fun souvenirs I keep accumulating for my pain.

Just so you know, I am not actually baby hungry (Though just using the WORDS Baby Hungry makes me need to watch the Nutrigrain Ad a few times before I go to bed tonight to watch the scary lady who says "YEAH! Babies EVERYWHERE!"). In fact, okay, this may sound bad, especially if you HAVE babies because you people (Thai, Granola, Buck (will), etc.) have some of the CUTEST babies I know, but I don't really like babies that much. Even my favorite babies (T-La's kiddlets) I like in DOSES. Like they are cute for a little while but then I want them to go away until they get old enough to talk and say funny things. I love toddlers. But babies are weird. Anyway, the reason it came up, the whole baby thing, was talking with my mom during commercials because Suki on Gilmore Girls is preggy. Yes. We are retarded.

Anyway. I am off to watch the Nutrigrain commercial and try to cheer up before cutting up some mango for the suggies and going to bed. SIGH.

Samson went back to bed... ate a slice of Wonder Bread, and went right back to bed...

I should be asleep. But legs have been all dance-y and now my fingers feel the same and so here I am again. Almost 6:30 am and I am in BED, but have yet to so much as doze.

We have a thermometer outside and guess what it says? ONE. That's right, 1 degree Fahrenheit. My Padre/Landie said to run the water a drizzle on any faucets that directly meet an outside wall if it goes zero to keep from busting pipes. He is dealing with them all over with his apartments. Such is the life of a Landlord, but he hates this time of year. But at least Lark and I are actually exceptionally good renters and do as much as we can to care for our house ourselves. Because we like to be independent girlies! WE CAN DO IT!

In too few hours I am going to drive out to the country to go to Coats' birthday party! I love Coats. She is crazy (no. Really.) but NEVER boring. She started our weekly Relief Society Presidency poker games back in Cedar City. She still will only call me Bob. She got bored one day and joined the Army but called it the circus. She got all the way through boot camp and everything before getting discharged. So making a rather random trek down to roller skate seems fitting. I just was hoping I would have SLEPT before doing so. For her present, I got her some Cornbread mix in a John Deere tin (she is obsessed with all things John Deere for the kitchen, especially) and some Jalepino jelly that only she would probably like.

You know what is really annoying about not sleeping, besides the not sleeping? You get hungry at STUPID times. Like now. I could totally get up and eat. But then, if I let my stomach wake up the rest of me would too and then I would HAVE to stay awake and be all alert during time when I could get at least SOME rest before driving on possibly slippery ice roads. However, it may not matter anyway. For one, because I do not really think I am falling asleep "tonight" anyway, before the party so screw it. And for two, even though I am sure that skating sleepy is not wise either I think my Mom is going to drive me purely because she is going south and is paranoid about me driving while taking the pills I take even when I HAVE slept normal and so she has been asking to drive me anyway. While I don't really WANT to have to depend on someone else for a ride, nor put her out (because really, what is there for her to do nearby in FILLMORE while I skate?!), meh... whatever. If it makes her not stress, I guess it's her deal.

MAYBE I can even stay awake ALL DAY! THAT would be good... very good! If I can do that, maybe I can use it to turn my stupid stupid schedule back to that of a NON-Nocturnal creature. Granted, for the past few weeks, I have only been getting about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day... usually between the stupid hours of 6 am and 4 pm. Because THAT makes perfect sense. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I need to get things turned around from the OTHER direction. Just get up earlier and earlier regardless and my dumb brain will just have to learn to fall asleep like a normal person. I TAKE meds, they just don't work yet. They just make me groggy and sick. BLEH.

I am so tired of pills. Pills for sleep. Pills for Depression. Pills for Anxiety. Pills for Diabetes. Pills for Cholesterol. Pills for muscle spasm. Pills for pain. Pills for stomach stuff. Pills for infection. Pills for Ulcer. GRRRRRRRRR.... I am trying to work on systematically getting rid of the REASONS for said pills, and then getting rid OF the pills until I feel human again instead of like a walking, people-shaped pill bottle! But for now... SIGH.

Yeah, here again and it is 7:30. I think it is safe to say that I won't be sleeping before the party. BUT if I can hold out MAYBE I can make it until an early night time, feed the sugar babies early and go to sleep early, and wake up early... and feel better! And have all kinds of things better! And make it to church! And be all righteous! And get blessings! And be Happy, happily ever after!

Or, you know, at least make some steps toward fixing the insomnia. Because really, it screws with your immune system, your emotional health, and your social calender (unless all your friends are bats... or in an opposite time zone... and I would like my friends to be in my real physical proximity for a change. Though, I am open to batty ones, too.)

I give up. I am going to take a shower and "eat" a SlimFast. Good Morning. SIGH.

What About *After* Happily Ever After?

Still so cold! And my head just hates me. Not that that has anything to do with the cold. It just hates me and I hate it back. But I go in for another physical therapy appointment at SaucePot tomorrow. That tends to help at least SOME. Though it hurts at the time. I'm not exactly excited, therefore, but what more can I do? Today has been so bad I had to break down and take something stronger (Loritab... YUCK. I HATE how it makes me feel!). BLERGH.

Today was also not my best of days for healthy eating. My sugar *isn't* through the roof, surprisingly, because I splurged and had a FEW cups of hot chocolate. Because 1. it's Chocolate and 2. it's HOT and it's yummy. But I really do have plans to be MUCH MUCH BETTER!!! I want to lose some weight and just in general get HEALTHIER! (Stature ala Luke 2:25!)

I finished reading The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale. It was EXCELLENT. I admit, I am a sucker for fairy tales. The funny thing is I have never actually heard the Brother's Grimm version, so I just thought it was original. Either way I loved it. It had a similar feel to it as Ella Enchanted, though longer... but didn't feel longer. It was just good. SIGH. Sometimes you just need a fairy tale, you know?

I don't really like straight romance. But I do like humor WITH romance, especially fantasy... but not high fantasy. This one worked that way. It wasn't TOO fantasy... but just magic enough. And just enough love to be fun, and girly, but not sappy. I do not like mush.

I am HOPING that the book I just started, a vampire book called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer won't be too sappy either. BoyKid gave it too me, and seemed to think I would like it. Hopefully the fact that it is, well, VAMPIRES, will tone down the mushy stuff to an acceptable level of romance?

So, what is the acceptable level of romance in my own real life? I do not know. But I suppose the same rules apply. Humor is key. If it's not funny then things just seem sappy and awkward. I think Fresno gets this. When things get too serious I get... fidgety. However, to his credit, he is very very good at funny. Good thing, too, because he has a lot of "We" plans. Big ones that kind of make me nervous if I think about them too much. Today he told me he is working on buying not one, but TWO houses. The one in Cali for his roomies AND one to live in here in Utah. He was talking to his real estate friend in Sandy yesterday and having him start looking now.

Being ME, I think, BUY a HOUSE?! You don't even REALLY know what will happen! You could hate it here. You may not end up liking me that much. Get an apartment... by the SEMESTER even. Who just goes and buys a house in another state? I just don't want to uproot him and then maybe things not work. I don't want to mess up his life. He is making such gianormous decisions, depending, at least in part, on ME. And that scares the crap out of me. I don't think I am adult enough to be part of choices like that.

I have to sort of compartmentalize. Say these are HIS decisions. I am not FORCING him to come here. Even though I am, obviously, a reason, I have to trust his judgment enough to believe he would not do so unless he feels OTHER parts of his life (job, church, etc.) would also be benefited by coming here. He won't move if it is a bad situation.

I think.

I just really like him and WANT him to come but don't want to be responsible for his coming, just in case things don't work. I don't want to mess him up. I know, I am babbling again. I don't feel like this WHEN I am talking to him. Okay, granted, mostly WHEN I am talking to him I am giggling and my brain is only half turned on. But it is just later that my brain starts turning our plans over and over and over and over in my head (and stomach, unfortunately, as I do have ulcers) and the giggly happy time seems a long time ago and all that is left is me, by myself, with the rocks in my head.

For the love of everything shiny, WHY can't I just be HAPPY about this?! I have a super cute, smart, and funny boy who actually likes me. He goes to church, works hard, loves his family, and is kind to animals. He is willing to drive long distances to visit me and spend time with my family. He is willing to MOVE to Utah so we can actually date in person. I really can not think of a more perfect person to be in love with, which I think I might BE, though I haven't really got to the point where I could tell HIM so.

So I am going to work on being HAPPY with this. Because there is good reason to be happy. Fresno is, I think, I tremendous blessing in my life. And even if it isn't forever, for now, in "Live and See" stance, he is freaking amazing. And the part of me that keeps me from being happy about him is a yucky combination of chemical Depression, Satan, an overly dramatic personality, and a dash of OCD. All of which I am going to work to overcome because I am NOT going to let my screwy brain mess up my chances of happiness. And I will NOT let stupid SATAN get between me and this great of a guy either. Because really now, Luci, I am getting AWFULLY sick of you. Like that quote I used to have up: "Live everyday so that each morning you open your eyes the devil says, 'Oh CRAP. She's awake.'" Because it is always good to piss off Satan.

Now that I am done with my feeble little pep talk to myself, I will feel the gliders and try to go to bed. Because it is a lot harder to deal with everything else if I keep staying up till 6 in the morning.

Good night.

Baby, it's Cold Outside...

It is COLD! I am sitting on a couch in front of the front window and feeling like somebody dropped the sofa in the Antarctic. I keep checking the window to see if it is OPEN or something, but it's not. It's just COLD in our house. We have plug-in space heaters for all the animals. It just doesn't seem that long ago that I was complaining about it being too HOT for the critters, dropping ice cubes in the tanks to give them some relief. Weather is weird. Brrrr!!!


I am having a better day today, at least. For instance: None of my Fuzzbutts is lost in my house, I am more appropriately medicated (for the day anyway), and when Fresno called we had a fun but not overly serious conversation and the "thing [he] wants to say to me" should "really be said in person."


For one thing, I probably agree. For another (well, and mostly) that gives me time to sort out my own feelings, even though I think they will be the same scariness unless he has, like, moved here and has been here awhile. I don't know. Anyway, NOT worrying about it right now. For now I will just be *entertained* because, well, he is fun and *still* likes me! WACKY.


And he is so dang cute about it. Even when he is stressed... and he is SO stressed. Because the way I am with animals, he is with people. He is talking about moving to Utah when his lease is up at his place in California, but really, he'd pay the money and move early IF he could make sure his ROOMMATES had places to be. One of them? His moderately disabled cousin. The other? The illegal immigrant he introduced the LDS Church to and consequently got kicked out of his family, including his aunt (a US resident) who he was living with. When he got baptized she threatened to get him deported. So he is now thinking of buying a house there for them to rent. So he is working hard towards that. I just... I don't know. I hope things DO work for him.

And me.

You know.

A Toast... to our Love and Other Scary Things

5 notable things happened today.

1. We lost power because of the snow. That was bad because that meant our space heaters turned off so it was a rather cold day here. And with the slippery roads I slid my jeep into a bush, but we are all fine... me, Happy Car (my Jeep), and the bush (unnamed... STEVE, perhaps?! HA!)

2. I finally got my new insurance figured out to a point where I am now going back to physical therapy at SaucePot where they actually HELPED, even though they are NOT where I like going to water aerobics. So that is good, but it hurt a lot today and getting the referals and stuff figured out took forever, so it isn't a complete positive. Still, a good thing.

3.Then craziness began happening. Apparently today is the day cages are left open. Because the first thing was that while I was gone, when Roomie, Lark, came home with the disabled guy she takes care of, J, McKenzie the Parrot flew out of the livingroom and almost ATTACKED J!!! SCARY! Because for one thing, I love that bird, but she IS evil. That is why we have her. Lark took her in here at our "Ark" because she(McKenzie... not Lark) had to leave her old home for attacking kids. Anyway she landed right on J's head and he was yelling and it was making McKenzie MORE scared and agressive. So when I got home it was ALL I heard about. I didn't know it was a WARNING!

Somehow one of the times today I was checking on my sugar babies I LEFT A DOOR OPEN. I haven't done that in at least a year, I am so spacey right now (blame my meds?)! Anyway, so, thing 4, I go down stairs about 10 and find the cage EMPTY! I freak out, of course, but start calling. My GOOD babies respond... I turn to see them running down the hall to me. (Actually, Heber ran PAST me and up into the cage to await a treat, and Lilo ran right up me and starting nipping and purring in my ear.) But NO EPIPHANY. I reward Lilo and Hebs and start looking for Nani, but can't find her ANYWHERE. Then I really panic.

Gliders are FAST.

Gliders are SMALL.

Gliders are TRICKY.

Gliders can fit in tight spaces, fly to high ones, climb walls that seem unscaleable... basically, a NIGHTMARE if they are not being good and coming when called. Our house is really big.

Okay, it's not, like, a MANSION, but it is really big compared to a 3 inch tall sugar glider and it is messy and LOTS of places to hide. Plus, my gliders don't always realize how small they ARE. For instance, Nani's baby, Plice once tried to attack McKenzie and could have lost a leg tail or his life in the process. Same baby tried to attack Shasta the bigger of the 2 little DOGS, too. However, I think Shasta beleieved he could eat her too, and she ran. But the other dog, Trinket would NOT hesitate to hunt a glider if she got the chance. Our house is a dangerous jungle!

So I was turning the house upsidedown all night, then taking breaks to be quiet and listen for her, but FINALLY I was checking email when I heard something in the game room... to see her flying across the room to land on a hanging toy storage. I was SO HAPPY to see her! But also mad at her... and she was mad at me for ruining her fun. But TOO DANG BAD, PRINCESS NANI! That was just now a bit after 3:30 am!

It has been a very very very stressfull night and now I SHOULD be exauhsted but unfortunatley stress makes me even MORE awake.

And add on me being me... okay, so here is the thing. The email I was reading when I heard the escapee was from Fresno. It was a very good email. *blush* However, he said something that makes me *think* he is going to say I Love You and that kind of scares the crap out of me because I don't know if I am sure enough to say it back if he does. Like sometimes I think about saying it, too, even, it's just I don't feel like I KNOW if it is and so I don't want to say something that then gives him, like, false hope, when I don't know anything because my stupid brain is slow on this girly stuff. Anyway, so I don't know. I think I maybe do. I almost SAID so on the phone one time, but I just stopped. I just... yeah. I don't know. Especially with how I am feeling about MYSELF right now, this is scary. I just don't know if he should.

Unless, you know, it is on TOAST. Cuz that is just funny.