Eating my weight in Ramen

And toast.  My stomach is hurting like crazy, but I think the MRI, at least, was pretty normal.  So even if my liver is screwed up there is no stenosis or the valves which is something they thought.  No answers, but one less SERIOUS answer eliminated.

In other news I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.  Not to get my bachelors but to get another associates. This time from what used to be Utah Career College, Broadview University in Veterinary Technology, specializing in "pocket pets and exotics."  I'll be honest. I don't KNOW if I can do it.  My pills leave my brain so foggy, and I don't study as well as I used to and I am scared of the math... I know there is going to be things like dosing by weight and such, and I am BAD at math.  But I really want to do this.  I want a real career I can continue in.  I know a lot already, just from experience.  I think being a Vet Tech is something I could do and be good at.  I could still do Critters 2 Go. I could still teach at Thanksgiving Point.  But it will be something more stable.

So THAT is my first New Years Resolution 1. Start school again.

I am still into that one scripture for goal making. Luke 2:52.

And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

Wisdom
1. Start school again to become a Vet Tech
2. Read 50 books in 2011
3. Write 2 articles a week for either the Examiner or Suite 101

Stature
1. Do water aerobics more days of the week than not.
2. Figure out my liver
3. Lower my A1C

Favor with God
1. Finish the Book of Mormon
2. Be attending all 3 meetings by the end of 2011
3. Pray with more sincerety

Favor with Man
1. Attend more parties and lunch groups
2. Make sure Ola knows how much I care at LEAST every holiday in paper
3. Update this blog at least weekly

This is My Brain on Christmas. Any Questions?

Things on my mind (that I am paying more attention to than blogging) are as follows:
My 1st official "gig" as Critters 2 Go. Trying to pull together a Utah sugar glider (and other small exotics) club called Mountain West Pocket Critters Conference. Learning to sew Cabbage Patch Kid clothes... steampunk ones! My Endoscopy... toworrow at 5 am (Bleh!). My mom's eye surgery to TRY to correct some of what the stroke did to her (it was Monday. But they are doing more on it tomorrow morning. So we will both be in the hospital tomorrow morning.). Printing (and maybe selling) my own stick figure family window clings that INCLUDE sugar gliders! Learning to decorate cakes. Becoming a Big Sister (as in Big Brother/Big Sister. Not as in my mother is having a baby). Writing Christmas cards and wrapping gifts. Perry Mason.

Yeah, my brain is a bit busy.

Bucket

So, I am sitting here with World's Cutest Puppy watching a Food Network Challange. This one is about making city skylines out of Rice Krispy Treats. I LOVE these cake decorating shows.

Anyway, it is just all reminding me of things I want to do someday. A Bucket List. WHY are those called Bucket Lists? Things left in your bucket to do?



So, MINE...

I want to learn to decorate cakes

I want to do Agility training and competitions with a dog

I want to get my Vet Tech license

I want to own a Capybara

I want to raise goats

the Late Great Wait for 08

A year for changes... a year for quizzes.

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
probably. A SECOND job, anyway.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Maybe? Who knows.

3. New house?
Not unless something catastrophic happens, no.

4. Do you plan on having a child?
No, I need to have sex first.

5. New Years Resolution?

I WASN'T going to do resolutions, but I SHOULD. So, once again I go to my favorite goal-making scripture Luke 2:52 (My favorite goal-ACCOMPLISHING scripture is Philippians 4:13). Talking about the way the Savior improved himself as a young man it says only "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and favour with God and man."

So those are my categories to improve in... Wisdom (Intellectual), Stature (Physical), Favor with God (Spiritual), and Favor with Man (Social). I will not put a lot, or it will just make it seem impossible. But a few in each and then I can add more through out the year.

Wisdom:
1. Always bee reading something. Have a book with me so if I get bored I don't waste time.
2. Sell more stuff on eBay for money.

Stature:
1. Join some sort of CLASS to lose weight. Either Weight Watchers or the class at my physical therapy pool.
2. Do ALL Therapy "homework" from Dr. Apparently
3. Find a good Internist and figure out what the hell is REALLY wrong with me.

Favor with God:
1. Never miss church for dumb reasons
2. Read SOME scripture every night.
3. Find SOME way to share the gospel weekly, even if it just means posting something good in the Forums or Guilds at Gaia.
4. Pray a lot more. I seriously need it.

Favor with Man:
1. Make a much better effort to stay connected to my friends. I have a tendency to withdraw and not talk to people I don't see everyday, not answer emails, etc. I want to change that.
2. Flirt better.
3. If anyone asks, I WILL go out at least once (unless, you know, I think it's a really bad idea... like if I feel like it may be scary (As in DANGEROUS NOT because I have ANXIETY)or I definitely know I don't like the person.)
4. Make my life and home a happier way/place to be by getting back into FlyLady and gaining control of my LIFE!

6. What will you not be doing in 08?
Ummm... getting married? Lots of stuff.

7. Any trips planned?
not so far, but I do not plan that far in advance.

8. Wedding plans?
I plan to go to the fewest of them I CAN, I guess?

9. Major thing on your calendar?
all the holidays?

10. What can't you wait for?
a few books being released... Inkdeath by Cornelia Funke and Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyers. Oh heck yes.

11. What would you like to see happen different
Less freaking medical mysteries, thank you very much!

12. What about yourself, will you be changing?
My health... especially my weight, My hair... probably dying it red again, and my outlook in life hopefully with the help of Dr. Apparently

13. What happened in ‘07 that you don't think will ever happen again?
Having a boyfriend, maybe. I don't know.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I hope so... stay in touch with them better and such.

15. Will you dress differently in 08 than you did in 07?
probably not. Jeans and T-Shirts are pretty standard.

16. Will you quit drinking?
I SHOULD drink MORE! Water that is. I don't drink alcohol anyway. hee hee!

17. Will you better your relationships with your family?
I hope so, I think therapy probably helps with that, eh?

18. Will you do charity work?
Yes, I would like to.

19. Will you be nice to people you dont know?
I'll try.

20. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
I really really hope so!

21. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
a lot in not so awesome ways. I think I am a more depressed and bitter person. I hope to change that.

22. What will you do different in 08?
Question 5, people. QUESTION 5!

23. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I sure hope so. I have lost some people in my life, but those I have now are FREAKING AWESOME FRIENDS!!!

24. Major lifestyle changes?
be more careful with my diabetes, swim even more often, walk when I can instead of driving.

25. Moving?
hope not, no.

26. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07?
going to the hospital so dang much, getting my heart broken, etc.

27. What were your New Years Eve plans?
Played at the padres', ate some food, played Catch Phrase with Uncle Doug, ditzy Auntie O (example: Answer was Chicago Cubs. Her clue: "This is a sports team... and I think they are in Denver" NO, they are in, umm, CHICAGO. And it was girls verses boys... so yay she was on OUR TEAM. HA!), cousins Brett, Annie, Kyle, and Vicky, and Boo (the cousin's kid... not the Gerbil). Counted down, etc.

And there you have it. Bring on 2008. Here's hoping it is WAY better than this last bit of 07.

Entomologists and Lepidopterists will get why the photo is Autobiographical

It is the last session of this year's General Conference and I admit, I feel a little sad. I know it is supposed to energize you for the next. Give you a time to re-evaluate and change. But with how I feel right now, I just feel sad. I feel like saying, "don't stop talking yet... I need more. It didn't work yet. I still feel bad."

I know, logically, the answer to that is "so DON'T stop...
read the Ensign
APPLY what was learned
(and go to some doctors for the physical stuff)
take what was said and use it..."
etc.

But still, I just feel this panicky ENDING feeling, like a spoiled kid looking for one more Christmas gift that maybe got missed behind the tree.


Highlights...

Elder Holland's talk on the Trinity. Wow. And there is a good summary of it here.

Elder Wirthlin, refusing to let pain and struggling keep him from getting his message out and Elder Nelson bracing him. It made me want to cry, mostly... but what love these men have for the gospel they teach. Who could claim they did not believe what they taught with all their hearts? But I just... I don't think E. Wirthlin will be with us long.

"Tell me a little about your church..."

Elder Eyring's WHOLE TALK. But especially, I admit, the parts about struggling with pain and illness. And how the Holy Ghost would comfort us in that stuff, too.

"The answer may be, 'not now. Be patient and wait.'" - Elder Robert D. Hales, on personal revelation.

Just seeing President Judd speak! I liked the story about horses, but mostly, he is a family friend of ours (Jessie's Dad! And he moved into our old house, etc. ) and, I just felt like, YAY! Plus, telling my Megs he was speaking MAY have got her to listen to one talk and since she hasn't done that in few years... yay! I miss Megs. I want her to be happy. And, I know it doesn't fix everything (BOY DO I KNOW THAT), I KNOW she was happier when she was in the church, you know?

"good, better, best"

"There are no proxies for knowing for yourself" - Elder Douglas Callister

And, of course, I *heart* President Hinckley.

So, yeah, Conference was good. It is 5 now, and afterward, we had dinner as a fam, that was nice.

I will admit, I didn't love all of Conference. I felt a little like Sister Beck was saying "you better have kids. And if you can't have kids you better damn well be depressed about it or else you are evil." I doubt that is REALLY her message, but... yeah. So that wasn't my favorite. And some I just was bored and didn't pay attention, so hopefully I will get more out of them when I read the transcripts, highlighters in hand. And there is still this... ending. And even though I WILL read it, and try to put stuff into practice, (and also, I am pretty sure that after I get through a few more endocrine tests, some diabetes crap, and fix this foot thing, I will be looking for a shrink), I just feel a little post-Conference Let-down, I guess.

I need MORE Direction, people.

MORE.


nataliedee.com

When I grow up... PART DEAUX!

Oddly, that last entry wasn't finished. I didn't mean to publish it yet. Then I saw on gmail there were comments. Oh well. One of the sentences left out of the INJF stuff when I was writing the other post.

The INFJ is a special individual who needs more out of a career than a job. They need to feel as if everything they do in their lives is in sync with their strong value systems - with what they believe to be right. Accordingly, the INFJ should choose a career in which they're able to live their daily lives in accordance with their deeply-held principles, and which supports them in their life quest to be doing something meaningful.

Unfortunately, eerily true. SIGH. SO, here are my "options" as I see them. I am sure there are others. But I don't know them.

Children's Librarian
Pros:
I have always wanted to be a librarian!
I love books.
They make good money and usually have very good benefits since they are government jobs.
Cons:
School. Lots and LOTS of school.
Plan-ish-ness:
I'd have to go back to school, probably just UVSC and get my Bachelors... PROBABLY in English Education. Then I would have to go somewhere else (but maybe mostly online) and get my Masters in Library Science. That is a long time... a lot of school (and school is more than a little hard for me lately)... and thus a lot of money, too. A very good, very grown up job... but a long ways away. Maybe too hard for me to actually achieve. :O(

ASL interpreter
Pros:
I like American Sign Language. I like the language, I like Deaf Culture.
There is definitely a demand and they make good money.
I could still be IN education, as that is the field I would choose to terp for.
Cons:
I don't really know how good I am at the actual signing. I am not sure.
School. Stress. BAD STUFF. This is what I was working on when I started the headaches and stuff. BLEH.
Plan-ish-ness:
Get my certificate. I am thinking I will DO that by getting the Bachelor's in Deaf Studies at UVSC. Because I want a Bachelor's anyway and that is a way to at least get trained. However, knowing how much I sucked before I will also need to hire a tutor (I am thinking Thai) and practice a TON. But will it be enough?

Preschool Teacher
Pros:
Little Kids are HILARIOUS.
I can make up so many age-appropriate activities after THIS job it would make your head spin.
Most don't even require further schooling.
Cons:
I am beginning to wonder if I LIKE children anymore. And that whole Patience thing again.
I have the immune system of a petri dish.
Kind of the same with my job at present... hard work, not a lot of money, not a lot of benefits, either.
Plan-ish-ness:
Rework my resume, and apply. MAYBE, though, I would try to get my bachelor's anyway. Just BECAUSE.

English Teacher
Pros:
I am part-way done. It WAS what I was doing before sort of melting down and quitting school at SUU.
I love books and kids.
My worst AND best teachers were English Teachers. They helped me realize I love to write and read. I think the kind of teachers you have in junior high can LITERALLY make or break the rest of your life. It is a pretty awesome thing to be, in my opinion.
Cons:
I don't know what happened to me. I used to have more patience. I dunno. I am not as good with kids as I used to be. And stress... it's a stressful job and stress and I are NOT friends at present.
Long days that start EARLY for little money.
Plan-ish-ness:
Bachelor's. Teacher's certificate.... student teaching... all that stuff... *SIGH.*

Author/Illustrator
Pros:
Because it would be the coolest thing in the world to be PAID to do what I ACTUALLY enjoy
Cons:
You need to be LUCKY. REALLY LUCKY. I am not.
Until you BECOME lucky you have no money. That is not quite the path to independence we are shooting for, I suppose.
Plan-ish-ness:
Ummm... become a bit of a hermit and draw and write all the time and have CC help me make it into a portfolio?

Social Worker
Pros:
I like to help people, and, unlike working in a day care where I WANTED to fix things but couldn't that would BE my job.
Cons:
If I am honest with myself I do not think I am actually stable ebnough for that. I don't think I could BE the kind of person that could leave their work at work. I think I might cry all the time for the kids I wanted to help but couldn't. And, if volunteering at the United Way Crisis Nursery was any indication I might end up kidnapping someone and stuff. Bad idea.
Plan-ish-ness:
Go back to school... a lot of it, maybe, in a totally different direction than I have before. And get a hell of a lot of therapy, probably.


Animal Rehab or Vet Technician
Pros:
It would be AWESOME to be PAID for taking care of critters that I have been taking care of semi-legally with The Roomie, anyway.
I love animals!
I would have interesting... resources.
Cons:
Not just school in a TOTALLY different direction, but science and math and things I am not so great with.
If I ever had to, like, HURT an animal... I mean if I had to put one to sleep it would probably kill me, but even giving shots, I probably would bawl. Not so professional.
Plan-ish-ness:
One of those college things they have on TV, I suppose... Utah Career College, SLCC, University of Phoenix, all of those it seems have ads about becoming a Veterinary Assistant.

Tech Support... somewhere... I s'pose.
get all certified and stuff. SIGH.
Pros:
There are a lot of available jobs.
Most seem to have good Benefits.
They pay a heck of a lot more than my CURRENT job at least.
I've done it before. Not upper level, but with MyFamily.com and such. So at least I know I can kind of do it?
Cons:
The job ITSLEF is okay but the actual position TOTALLY varies. And some are awful. And even the best, well, they are a JOB... but yeah.
I don't know if I want to go back to that sort of thing.
Plan-ish-ness:
I am thinking if I DID decide to do it, I want to be higher up than that. So I think I would do the career school thing again... and get, like certified? Maybe? I don't know if I can really do that. Stupid idea.
So...


The other things I am contemplating, even a little, are:
Photographer... like for real. I don't know HOW, it would just ROCK.
Medical Record thingies... like Stewie. It sounds, actually, like I might hate it. BUT that I would make good enough money and it would fit really well in my life, like in terms of sometimes being sick at home and such.
Nanny... but, not for that Amway lady. She was a wacko. And not a live-in some random place back east. Because I'm not 20. And have gliders.
Random Craft... er... person... with CC. We have ideas. Like Coffee Potpourri and poetry and stuff. Maybe If I would just follow THROUGH with something rather than being all Bi-Polar about it, yeah. BLEH.

So... What do I tell my counselor person I want to do? MY FATE IS IN YOUR HANDS!!!!*








*Except that I may not really do what you say. You know, cuz I'm stubborn like that. Hee hee hee hee!

Oh PLUS, not that this really has any bearing (HA! BEARing!) on what I say at Voc Rehab but with the boy situation... I don't know. I mean, I may... MAY... even move to California eventually (or at least temporarily this Winter... if I dare and things seem right to do so). So, how does, like girlfriend or even maybe eventually wife, fit into all this crap? WHERE do I have these jobs? Where do I study for them? And when? Etcetera. And if I start including HIM in my plans, will I end up getting my heart crushed?

I dunno. What DO I want to be?

I. am. CONFUSED.

I need to go to the temple and, like, pray about things.
Well, really, I need to do that anyway, but I would like to have a better idea of what I am even ASKING before I ask, if you know what I mean. And when do I need the new barcoded recomend, because I am sort of NOT going to my ward at present but HAVE been going to another ward and may be switching my records.
I don't know.

So, I am always confused about what I should do, but bringing it specifically to the surface is Voc Rehab. See, back in May my Psych thought I should try to get accepted there, like, Disability or something. Which was really hard for me to even APPLY for, never mind the fact there wasn't much chance I would be accepted.

But I tried. I went feeling unsure about the whole thing... and after talking to the VR Witch I felt worse than ever before. I felt not only like I would not be accepted but that I was stupider than anyone could be for trying and a waste of oxygen.

I don't want to go into it. But it was NOT good.

So, color me shocked when I get a letter this week FROM VRWitch saying "because of what we discussed and your medical records I think I can help you!" WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!

Okay, first of all, No. NO NO NO NO. I will NOT be talking to that person again. The only thing I planned to do further with her was to file a complaint against her with the department, to be honest, but I just hadn't got my nerve up yet.

And I still don't know that they can help me at all.

But it was a long shot that I got accepted and so, well, maybe I should at least find OUT. BUT I will not be doing so if it is not possible to change counselors. Because I really can't go through another visit like that.

The REAL problem (because basically, THAT almost ISN'T a problem. Either they switch me to another counselor and I check it out or they don't switch me and I won't go in the office ever again.) is what do I even tell them about what my goals are?


They need to know those. They will ask me what I WANT to be. Because IF they can help me, they would help me with things like going back to school... so I need to know FOR WHAT. And right now I don't know. Not good. :OP

Because I haven't the foggiest, really, what I REALLY want to do. I guess I really want my Bachelor's. But other than that, I have no clue.

I recently retook a Meyer-Brigs thing.

INFJ
Introverted 44%
Intuitive 50%
Feeling 50%
Judging 11%

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people. Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them. Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance. Mohandas Gandhi and Eleanor Roosevelt are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an INFJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the INFJ:

• Clergy / Religious Work
  
• Teachers
• Medical Doctors / Dentists
• Alternative Health Care Practitioners, i.e. Chiropractor, Reflexologist
• Psychologists
• Psychiatrists
• Counselors and Social Workers
• Musicians and Artists
• Photographers
• Child Care / Early Childhood Development

Blah blah blah stuff I already know, mostly. Still, good reminders, I suppose, that the kinds of things I am "suited" to do are usually the same ones I LIKE anyway.

Uh Oh. I got crabs...

I am having a rather bad headache today and to be honest, it is making me really really nervous. Because it could be nothing... but it is almost feels like the beginning of THE headache. Which scares the crap out of me. I have been REALLY grateful to Dr. YeahBaby. But it's not, after all, a CURE. It should work, like 6 months. It has been 5. That's close. And I am nervous.

I am not ready for that stuff again.

I did go to church, though. The Special Park ward again. I dunno.

The other things in my life... hmmm...

Last night me and Fresno had a good talk on the phone. Lots of apologizing and being honest. It was a short one (my phone was dying), but we plan to talk today, too.

OH this is hilarious... yet seems *blush* appropriate to the situation.

VideoJug: How To Kiss Someone Passionately

You know, even with the GOOD stuff in my life (Fresno, an entertaining job, etc.), I admit I feel a little jealous of my friends and family right now. I am not sure what direction my life is headed. Rinny is being sent on trips with her job... her job that is far more career than mine. Mali is teaching! CC is an accomplished artist! Everyone keeps IMPRESSING me. And I am super happy for them, I really am. But part of me just wants to kick fate... I like what I am doing... but it can't be forever... it doesn't even get me benefits. Doesn't pay me enough to be independent.

But my life is so discombobulated right now... so up in the air... it shouldn't even worry me. Because good hell I don't even know if I will be living here in a year... or Nevada... or California. Should I go back to school? If so, WHERE? I don't know. What have I accomplished? What SHOULD I accomplish with my life?

Yeah. That has been the type of things I have been thinking (amidst random black and white movies) this weekend.

In very VERY other news, ummm... I am a dork, but yesterday I went in to the store for guppies and mealworms...

And came out with hermit crabs. 4 of them. They don't have names yet. They are both mine and the Roomie's. Because we were talking about getting some.

Oh, and by the way, yesterday the Roomie took Oliver the Robin to a reserve. He seemed healthy enough to get by even with his funky wing now, as long as he was somewhere away from roads or cats or other predators. So he was released in a reserve. He is independent enough to stay well and safe, barring anything tragic. So, off with the bandages (they weren't doing much. He was too healed for the splint to help) and off he went. Another sad/happy moment for the Ark.

But yeah... goodbye Robin, hello hermies.

Not Listless...

I have been WAY too entertained here.

Things to Do...
43 Things

Places to Go...
43 Places
People to See...
43 People

Other lists...
Lists of Bests

You could name me Polly...

...for all the crackers I've eaten. Well, crackers and water. As that is ALL I can eat right now.

I am pretty dang sick and tired of being sick and tired. However, finally talked to a doctor about it today (because I MISSED WORK today AND yesterday since I was busy worshiping the porcelain idol. And I actually LIKE work and feel awful when I can't be there! Missing work is BORING! I mean, I feel too crappy to go in, but I miss stuff happening! Pepper the goat could be having her kids! The baby bunnies have their eyes open... they could be doing funny stuff! Weak tummied children could be barfing at horse poop... okay, I don't really mind missing that. Today I'd probably join in.) just to be told that it wasn't my new meds, I just had picked up a "nasty stomach bug."

Probably from working with messy children or farm animals? hee hee hee!

ANYWAY, in honor of, umm, being bored, here's a SURVEY!

Questions People Wouldn't Ask. [Yeah, only "you" Just DID?]


OO1. When's the last time you ran? Last week I ran to get T-Bone (or Jake... I don't ACTUALLY know the difference between the twin Jersey calves yet)'s head out of the fence he was stuck in. I do NOT run for fun. Only emergencies.

OO2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Not most of them, no. A few pairs I use for, like, yard work or painting.

OO3. What are you dreading right now?
Certain doctor's appointments... and the possibility I might feel as crappy tomorrow as I have today.

OO4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
National Look-a-Like Day? OF COURSE!

OO5. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
not 8 in a ROW, no

O06. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do?
it depends on who's coming over! <--- EXACTLY <---- Ditto. :O) O07. Who last grabbed your a**? Last and ONLY thus far... Hermana Butler. YES, REALLY. She's a psycho!!!! (but a funny psycho)

O08. Have you ever been on your school's track team?
Have I ever even been on my school's TRACK?!

O09. Do you own a pair of Converse?
Nope, but my BoyKid has some seriously Old School RED ones that we play with. Awww... I miss my brother!

O10. Did you copy and paste this survey?
No. Actually, I printed it out and then retyped it word-for-word into my blog. WHAT KIND OF STUPID QUESTION IS THAT?!

O11. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes I do. Salmonella be Damned I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO! But probably, not, like, ummm... TODAY. But when I have the opportunity and am not sick to begin with.

O12. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
No, but I have hit the side to try and make it give me my paid for goodies!
(however, if I met THIS one I would be scared it would hit back. It's FREAKY.)

O13. Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over?
Yes.

O14. Do you watch Trading Spaces?
No. I abstain from ALL "reality" shows. That is one, isn't it?

O15. How do you eat oreos?
Guiltily.

O16. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
I am a nerd. I see my best friends once a MONTH in real life if I am very VERY lucky. My boyfriend lives in California and we met on LDSMingle. My entire social life is through the internet. What do YOU think?!

O17. Are you cocky?
Nope, I'm Heny!

And Punny. And on a very large amount of medication right now.

O18. Could you live without a computer?
Sure, but would it be worth it?!

O19. Do you wear your shoes in the house?
HA. I hardly even wear shoes OUT of the house, except at work. Actually, not even at work when I'm in the office.

O20. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real?
I' M NOT LISTENING I'M NOT LISTENING.

O21. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house?
2 phones to the land line, my cell, and The Roomie's cell.

O22. What do you do when you're sad?
Cry. Hide. Cry-de?

O23. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
Probably my mom?

O24. Last time you saw your best friend?
I have a few fabulous people that fall under that heading. The one I saw most recent was Megan and that was on Sunday!

O25. Who or what sleeps with you?
Well, during various points during the night most get thrown onto the floor but I usually start out with Max (stuffed dog from when I was little), Camilla (fluffy, yellow pillow), and Cherry Cordial (fluffy red dog from Fresno for Valentines)

026. Are you/have you ever been in love?
Probably?

027. Are you in high school?
emotionally sometimes. ;) <--- Ha! DITTO.

028. Is anyone on your bad side now?
I try to be a nice person. I do not like everyone however. So, I would have to say YES. But nobody that hasn't been there many MANY times. (So if you are reading this, then trust me, YOU are not on my bad side!)

O29. What jewelry are you wearing?
right now, none. I WAS wearing a cute necklace when I thought I may be well enough to go to work. WRONGO.

O30. What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Open, like, 5 windows. Usually that means iGoogle (homepage)email, Yahoo listings if I am home/thanksgivingpoint.com if I'm at work, maybe Blogger, and anything else I am actually WORKING on.

O31. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
Nope. But I watch Scrubs, MASH, and sometime House or ER so that fills my medical TV needs, thanks anyway.

O32. How do most people spell your name?
with a lowercase a and an e at the end. Neither is correct, but I am pretty used to it so most don't bug me (especially the non-caps A because, really, it is WEIRD to SAY your middle name as part of your first and yet capitalize it (but not so weird that I am the Only one, right CC?!). Therefore, misspelling that is no big deal.). I am always extra impressed when people spell it right, though.

O33. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes?
Umm, DOUBTFUL as I am BIGGER than him and it would make me feel super fat. (Not because HE is fat, but just the whole "I AM THE GIRL! I WANT TO BE LITTLER!" thing.)

O34. Where do you work?
Education Department of Thanksgiving Point in Lehi, UT!

O35. What are you doing tomorrow?
I HOPE I am teaching the class "Crazy Crawly Caterpillars!" and holding baby bunnies and watching hilarious goats and being given a million dollars by a random philanthropist going door-to-door. But at least the first 3 things. Otherwise I am throwing up some more and crying probably because I HATE BEING SICK!!!

O36. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
Michael is a creepy PERSON but a dancing/song writing PHENOM. Justin Timberlake is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being that cool, even with the creepiness. Not now, not ever.

O37. Favorite name for a girl?
Amythyst

O38. Favorite name for a boy?
Kimball

O39. Will you keep your last name when you get married?
Yes and No. If I get to be a writer or illustrator I will keep my name professionally, but change it for REAL stuff. Unless I marry somebody with a stupid last name, like, Booger or Ashwipe. If that happened he could take mine.

O40. When was the last time you left your house?
Ummm... around 7, I think? Just to take Suzy out for a potty walk, though.

O41. Do you return your cart?
If they have a cart return corral thing YES. I am rather a stickler about that. Sometimes I will even take in a few that are near my car. And I will usually take MY cart from the lot into the store to start with rather than getting one at the door. HOWEVER, when they don't have corrals I just put it with other carts unless I am in a nice mood and take it to the store. The only one I will ALWAYS take back into the store even though they do not have corrals is DI. I figure it's like service tithes.

O42. Do you have a dishwasher?
yes, thank GOODNESS.

O43. What noise do you hear?
just the gurgle of Tortuga's pump in the tank and the clicking of my keys. (I just turned off the TV and am going to go to bed as SOON as I finish this survey!

O44. Would you survive in prison?
I don't know. Probably.

O45. Who is the youngest in your family?
BoyKid, age 19

O46. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would be most likely to over pack?
Probably me <--- she's right. I mean, as in CC would. Not Me.

O47. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Yes. At least THREE people, one of which is my good friend on Glider Alley. Wacky, huh?

O48. What's the last thing you purchased?
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid by Lemony Snicket
But it hasn't arrived yet.

O49. Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you?
Not usually, except, like for Christmas presents or something. OH! Except on Friday, I think it was, Rinny bought me (and the new employees, Stewbert 2 and HotShawn) kiddy ice cream cones at the Harvest Deli after our Tractor driving lesson! Sometimes she really IS a good boss.

O50. What brand are your pants right now?
I don't know, actually. I am a habitual tag cuter-outer.

O51. Ever been to Georgia?
No, I don't think I have.

O52. What irritates you most on the internet?
irritating people who are using the internet.

O53. What brand is your digital camera?
I have a Kodak and a Nikkon and... I think a Cannon?

O54. Do you watch movies with your parents?
yes, but I usually avoid it because my dad STOPS them to say stuff or replay things he thinks are weird.

O55. What song best describes your life right now?
Tonight it is Girl in the War by Josh Ritter. (p.s. Sherpa, you ROCK for introducing it to me!)

O56. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne?
HA HA HA HA HA... oh, sorry... no.

O57. Are you taking college classes right now?
No, but contemplating it.
Again.
*SIGH*

058. Do you like sushi?
depends, I am a wimp. But the stuff I like of it, I like a lot.

059. Do you get your hair cut every month?
Maybe if I was a BOY. But, no, I SHOULD get it cut soon. I keep planning to. And colored again.

060. Do you go online everyday?
See O16.



SAY GOOD NIGHT, GRACIE!!!

Shoelaces, the Gift of Tongues, and Dogs the Size of Horses

Where to start? This week... wow.

For one thing I have had a really sick feeling for the past few weeks bout Megan. I felt like she was suicidal. And I felt like she was hospitalized. I think I even SAID so. To Mali? Or CC? Did I, Mali? Steph? Say she was hospitalized? Because I don't know why I said it. At all. I didn't know she was committed, until today when she finally called me back and said she had finally been released. But I felt it. Somehow, I knew she was in the hospital before she said anything. Because she is my Megan, I guess. If that makes sense. Anyway, she is home now, but still under close watch... with lots of doctor's appointments. That is good.


One thing that made me giggle (and cry, simultaneously) was when she was telling me about getting released "...and they told me, oh and you have this appointment today and that one tomorrow..."

"Hey, that's cool. Being in the hospital is like having a secretary!"

"Yeah, a secretary that steals your shoelaces."

"WHAT?!"

"They unthreaded my shoes... because they do that dangerous job of holding shoes to my feet!"

"Shoelaces? Dang, chica! You suicidal people are creative!"

"Heck yes we are!" she laughed.

I remember the first time she was in there. They wouldn't let her have magazines until they pulled the staples out. But that would take some serious talent to hang yourself with shoelaces, that's what I have to think anyway.

Anyway, we talked a long time. It was good. I have missed her terribly. She is my Megan... She is my best friend, my cousin... but she is also... the person I would die for... my spirit's twin... I don't know. She is my MEGAN. And I hurt very deeply when she does. I try to not let it worsen my OWN Depression and such, but it is hard. I just have to focus on the good stuff... that she is okay enough to be out... that she is getting help she needs... that her wonderful hubby St. Jakey is there for her. But... yeah. HARD.

But today was also an important day in our family for the BoyKid! Today we all went with him the the church to be with him as he was set apart as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and given a very beautiful blessing that he would be protected, that our family would be blessed, that he would learn Italian by the Gift of Tongues.

BoyKid cried a LOT. I think he is getting nervous. But he will do good. He really will. Tomorrow we take him to the Missionary Training Center and say goodbye for 2 years. I am going to miss him... a LOT. We all will. That kid is hilarious. Italy doesn't know how lucky it is.

After the setting apart, blessing, and firming up tomorrow's plan, Fresno called and cheered me up quite a bit. He was exhausted though. After work he was shampooing carpets all day at the new house (the one in Cali... he plans to get one in UTAH, too... but in August or so)! He closed on it just a few days ago and got the keys the same day he got a call from his brother that THEY were moving... to somewhere with no fence and yard. Why does that matter? Well, because it meant that a few days ago I got a phone call so excited I thought the boy had won the lottery.

"Remember how I have wanted a dog so much?! Especially after playing with [The Roomie]'s when I came last time?" Remember that?!"

"Yes..."

"And remember how I was so happy that the house had a good yard with a fence?!"

"Yes! Did you get a DOG?!"

"No! I got 2 dogs! My brother is giving me his 2 IRISH WOLFHOUNDS!!!! And they're free! And I love them and they are mine and they are big..."

"Umm... [Fresno], they are HUGE. Irish Wolfhounds are GIANT."

"I KNOW! Isn't that great?!"

Fresno is now the proud papa of 2 of the tallest dog breed in the world - a sister and brother named Demi and Darby. He gets to pick them up tomorrow and he is absolutely FLYING he is so hyper. IT IS SO CUTE. Irish Wolfhounds are far from my favorite breed... but I think I can love them. HE sure does. Over the moon, that boy. Adorable. Well, and he is such a Celticphile. Obsessed with ALL things Irish. I think he is slightly crazy... 2... TWO of those puppies?! Oh and they are NOT puppies. He says they'll be 4 years old May 6th. But yeah 2 monsters bred to hunt wolves (but these ones better not hunt anything other than squeaky toys or I would have a MAJOR problem) and he is talking about brushing them everyday, and buying them cute things (seriously. He can be SUCH a girl!) and teaching them the same tricks Trinket and Shasta know. SIGH.

But his excitement is contagious, and besides... well, I can not resist ANY furry face! He promised to take pictures for me. For now I am just looking at Irish Wolfhound websites all the time. Hee hee hee hee!

Yesterday, when we were swimming, my mom and I were talking about him. At the end of it she asked, "but, seriously, don't you think you will marry him? Eventually?" I admitted I did. EVENTUALLY. And my hesitation has nothing to do with what he is (ie: near PERFECT for me) and everything to do with me and what I fear about myself.

Anyway, also tonight Fresno was teasing me, like usual. We were talking about BoyKid going.

"So, did he ask you if you were going to be married while he was gone?"

"No, he did NOT ask that."

"My brother got married while I was on my mission. They didn't even tell me. Rude, huh?"

"Well, I think that is HORRIBLE! Not to even tell you? Your brother was a jerk."

"They said they sent an announcement. But they lied... or it got lost. I guess that's possible."

"Well, anyway. That is dumb. Not even to tell you."

"So do you think they should have waited for me?"

"Hmm... I don't know. Maybe. You don't really LIKE your brother, so probably not. But maybe if you liked your brother..."

"You really like your's, huh."

"Yeah."

"But I think I understood them not waiting. And wasn't mad or felt bad."

"Umm... yes you DID. You said they were rude!"

"Oh yeah. But... umm... maybe if my new in-law was COOL then I would not have wanted them to wait for me. As long as they TOLD me. Like maybe with a funny package."

"Hmmm... maybe. We'll see."

Then I changed the topic and we talked about Conference time when he is coming next and how we missed each other and other such patheticity. And more about the dogs and the houses and his disabled cousin that he takes care of suddenly getting to spend time with his dad who hasn't seen him in 12 years! It was good to talk. I miss him.

I seem to be MISSING a lot of people lately. But, as the Stake President said (well, to the same effect anyway), how great is it to have so many people in our lives that are worth being missed?

I am not a Me Fan

I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better!!!!

I did do my Weight Wellness class and went to the pool, that was the good thing. Really the only good thing. Other than that I have been so damn frustrated with my life today. My messy house. My fat self. My painful head. My utterly psycho brain.

Got into a big thing with Mom... well, no, really with Padre THROUGH Mom because I refused to TALK to Padre anymore about stuff. It was just... ugly. I cried a LOT today. I felt like throwing a full-out temper tantrum like a 3 year old.

I MUST wake up at a decent hour (whether I can fall asleep at one or not. That has to be secondary for now), work on my house, exercise, eat something nutritious, take medicne prescribed to me, and go to church on Sundays even if it means sitting in the foyer on the couch because the benches make my head so much worse. And I need to get my brain untangled so that I don't cry or sleep the majority of the day.

I do not want to be this. I really don't.

You're Confident...Sometimes

You can seem confident when the occasion calls for itBut inside you may be experiencing a bit of self doubtA little more inner confidence could take you far...And convince others that you're as confident as you try to seem

Are You Confident?

You Are Mostly Secure

In general, you feel confident and together.But the wrong thing can happen, and all of a sudden, you're not feeling so secure.Luckily, your insecurities don't last long... at least, not usually.So the next time you're feeling insecure, try to snap out of it - and remember the confident woman you are!

Are You Insecure?

Heavenly Father,
Sometimes I really want to go home.

The Good GUYS

It has been what has become a typical-for-ME Sunday: Horrible headache, No Church, being BROUGHT the Sacrament, watching Little House on the Prairie, and playing with the silly little dogs, especially Shasta. (I love that dog!)

You know, though, some things are different. For one thing, because a few days ago my Relief Society Presidency came to visit me and see how my headaches and such were going, she had sent Sam, the Elders' Quorum President to give me the sacrament I missed today.

Padre and BoyKid have done that often when I can not come to church, but I've never had anyone else, had someone officially from MY congregation. It shouldn't matter, of course... they hold the same Priesthood. And so I never asked. But the girls offered, and I accepted, a little embarrassed to have it so OFFICIAL.

But you know what? This probably sounds weird, but it seemed MORE "official" before. As goofy as both my dad and baby brother are, and as much as they both love to joke around, they still approached the ordinance of the Lord's Sacrament with more reverence and respect than Sam and the other guy. Dad and BoyKid act as if they really are preforming something in the name of the Savior, with His power. Sam and the other guy did what they were supposed to do, but somehow it was different. It still was true... it still "counted." It just made me grateful to have strong, worthy Priesthood holders in my life... men who really do act in the name of God when doing his work.

I fight a lot with my dad. I do NOT think everything Padre does is right, obviously. But I think that when he is doing things as an Elder of the Church, he is doing them right... and that he is doing them just like Christ would. And I think my little brother has learned from him and expanded that by a billion times and is basically, like, SUPER righteous. He will be a TRULY STELLAR missionary over there in Italy.

And, ummm, well, also a 3rd righteous guy in my life, though far away, Fresno. He sent me his answer to that 55 questions quiz today and it was just so cute (c) (that's copy written for you, CC! "Stop copying me!" Hee hee hee! "Cute Puppy Aneurysm!") and funny... I mean nothing huge, just... yeah. It was just good. And a good day that way, just... good, happy thoughts about the boy... and a possible future with him. A FUTURE! And I am not, at present, freaked out by that. Weird, huh?

Prayer helps.

Yeah.
Sigh. <:O) But I still have a long ways to go... on a lot of things. I want to get my life in order, as you know. My Luke 2:52 Goals might need a little tweaking... not CHANGING, really, just some that are more short term, like goals of the week. Adding some, I suppose. So this week...

Wisdom
* Get Jeep registered/inspections finished.
* Renew driver's license.
* Look through new jobs and send applications to possible part-time jobs, particularly that MAY be full-time when I get better and don't have to go to doctors all the time.

Stature
* Work out with Water Aerobics at least 3 times this week.
* Journal food eaten with ALL HONESTY!
* Go to Weight Wellness class on Wednesday night if head allows me.
* Be OFF the computer and therefore in bed and READY to sleep just in case I can by 1 AM every night this week! (this will be the hardest one)

Favor with God
* Read something in the scriptures each day this week.
* Be here Tuesdays for the Visiting Teachers and try not to be so annoyed by them.
* Pray a LOT... in with more sincerity!
* Be up and READY for church on Sunday, the 28th regardless of if I can go, so that the decision of whether to attend can be based solely upon the severity of the headache.

Favor with Man
* This week I will follow FlyLady in working on Zone 4... my Bedroom! Dun DUN DUN! Also, get at least a big part of my FlyLady Control Journal started. I am not good at it, but I really do think it works. The system, I mean.
* I think I want to get Fresno something for Valentine's Day. I think I want to get him a candy heart, but one that LOOKS like a heart because I think that is really funny. So order either that or find something else Valentine's-y.

ANYWHOOO... Bedtime. Pretty close to that 1 am plan! Granted, I still need to feed to suggies and such, but I am getting off the computer before, like 3 am. So that, pathetic though it sounds, is PROGRESS.

"There's not enough time!"

Severe TMI here... today I was very sick and my toilet backed up and flooded into the hall... the carpet... the laundry. All while Jack Bauer is trying to save the country from the terrorists. Yes, both me AND my roomie blew of FHE for 24. But I think we can find a gospel principle in there SOMEWHERE to make it count. Hee hee! However, I missed a LOT while I was downstairs being sick and ruining my carpet. So it is a dang good thing the Padres are recording it as well. Because I am going to HAVE to catch up. OH. MY. HECK.

24 is just... AHHHH! Last night was so stressful. I have to keep saying THIS IS JUST TV! But really, yes, but it is 24! I know. I am a nerd. But I missed half of last night because that is when Fresno called and I wasn't going to tell him, "Sorry, I've got a date with Jack." But yeah, I am a nerd.

Since I am cleaning the bathroom and hall floors now anyway, I may as well do so in earnest. After all, if I was being a GOOD FlyBaby then I would be in Zone #3 right now anyway. I need to work harder... much harder, and get my house in order (*ahem* Favor with Man). Before this night is over I WILL:
1. clean the hall carpet
2. mop tile in hall and bathroom
3. scrub toilet
4. de-clutter Sink/Vanity
5. water bathroom plants
6. remove ring around tub
7. sterilize toilet brush and plunger
8. "swish and swipe" sink and mirror
9. find out what happened to the kid's dad who delivered the package to the terrorists
10. replace that little toilet thingy that turns the water blue from inside the tank

The problem with not having a job is... well, that you have very little life and NO MONEY. But ALSO that when there is a holiday you don't really notice until you see the flag in the yard that you paid the Boy Scouts to put up each holiday. So I admit I didn't remember to think much about Martin Luther King, Jr. today. I went to physical therapy and to the grocery store... neither was closed. Then I came home and pretty much vegged/was sick/cleaned. But I do just want to say that I am grateful for all those who stand up for equality. Living in Orem, Utah sometimes I feel a little removed from things... being a little whitewashed as we are, at least compared to when I lived places like Houston, TX, Lai'e, HI... and I would imagine Chicago, IL, though I don't remember it. But it still doesn't mean that I don't sometimes hear racist remarks said. I am a European mutt, myself... but a lot of my friends aren't "Caucasian." Actually, a lot of my family are different races... MOST of my cousins' spouses, oddly enough.

Just because I am thinking about it, these are the places I have lived:


create your own personalized map of the USA


These are the places I have VISITED and was old enough to REMEMBER:


create your own personalized map of the USA

Anyway, Racism, in any form, just plain SUCKS. (Most "-isms" do.) So I am grateful for people who stand against it in all time periods. So, yay, Dr. King! And others who are brave and stand for what they believe.

And now I should REALLY get back to cleaning. But my toes are frozen. And my rooms are downstairs. And cleaning involves getting slightly wet and thus colder.

Well, that and I just hate cleaning. Did you hear that, you sadistic purple fairy?! I HATE CLEANING! But I will TRY. *Whimper* I am TRYING to get organized... and STAY that way. It will help me be, well, CLEANER, obviously. And a better roomie (and EVENTUALLY, you know, WIFE, cuz most of those clean better than me, unless they are so rich they have maids, of which I am not.) [ie: Favor with Man goal again]. But ALSO it will help me be HEALTHIER. Because, yeah, chaos and ADHD are NOT friends. [Therefore Stature as well] Anyway, NOW I will go downstairs...

to clean.

SIGH.

What About *After* Happily Ever After?

Still so cold! And my head just hates me. Not that that has anything to do with the cold. It just hates me and I hate it back. But I go in for another physical therapy appointment at SaucePot tomorrow. That tends to help at least SOME. Though it hurts at the time. I'm not exactly excited, therefore, but what more can I do? Today has been so bad I had to break down and take something stronger (Loritab... YUCK. I HATE how it makes me feel!). BLERGH.

Today was also not my best of days for healthy eating. My sugar *isn't* through the roof, surprisingly, because I splurged and had a FEW cups of hot chocolate. Because 1. it's Chocolate and 2. it's HOT and it's yummy. But I really do have plans to be MUCH MUCH BETTER!!! I want to lose some weight and just in general get HEALTHIER! (Stature ala Luke 2:25!)

I finished reading The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale. It was EXCELLENT. I admit, I am a sucker for fairy tales. The funny thing is I have never actually heard the Brother's Grimm version, so I just thought it was original. Either way I loved it. It had a similar feel to it as Ella Enchanted, though longer... but didn't feel longer. It was just good. SIGH. Sometimes you just need a fairy tale, you know?

I don't really like straight romance. But I do like humor WITH romance, especially fantasy... but not high fantasy. This one worked that way. It wasn't TOO fantasy... but just magic enough. And just enough love to be fun, and girly, but not sappy. I do not like mush.

I am HOPING that the book I just started, a vampire book called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer won't be too sappy either. BoyKid gave it too me, and seemed to think I would like it. Hopefully the fact that it is, well, VAMPIRES, will tone down the mushy stuff to an acceptable level of romance?

So, what is the acceptable level of romance in my own real life? I do not know. But I suppose the same rules apply. Humor is key. If it's not funny then things just seem sappy and awkward. I think Fresno gets this. When things get too serious I get... fidgety. However, to his credit, he is very very good at funny. Good thing, too, because he has a lot of "We" plans. Big ones that kind of make me nervous if I think about them too much. Today he told me he is working on buying not one, but TWO houses. The one in Cali for his roomies AND one to live in here in Utah. He was talking to his real estate friend in Sandy yesterday and having him start looking now.

Being ME, I think, BUY a HOUSE?! You don't even REALLY know what will happen! You could hate it here. You may not end up liking me that much. Get an apartment... by the SEMESTER even. Who just goes and buys a house in another state? I just don't want to uproot him and then maybe things not work. I don't want to mess up his life. He is making such gianormous decisions, depending, at least in part, on ME. And that scares the crap out of me. I don't think I am adult enough to be part of choices like that.

I have to sort of compartmentalize. Say these are HIS decisions. I am not FORCING him to come here. Even though I am, obviously, a reason, I have to trust his judgment enough to believe he would not do so unless he feels OTHER parts of his life (job, church, etc.) would also be benefited by coming here. He won't move if it is a bad situation.

I think.

I just really like him and WANT him to come but don't want to be responsible for his coming, just in case things don't work. I don't want to mess him up. I know, I am babbling again. I don't feel like this WHEN I am talking to him. Okay, granted, mostly WHEN I am talking to him I am giggling and my brain is only half turned on. But it is just later that my brain starts turning our plans over and over and over and over in my head (and stomach, unfortunately, as I do have ulcers) and the giggly happy time seems a long time ago and all that is left is me, by myself, with the rocks in my head.

For the love of everything shiny, WHY can't I just be HAPPY about this?! I have a super cute, smart, and funny boy who actually likes me. He goes to church, works hard, loves his family, and is kind to animals. He is willing to drive long distances to visit me and spend time with my family. He is willing to MOVE to Utah so we can actually date in person. I really can not think of a more perfect person to be in love with, which I think I might BE, though I haven't really got to the point where I could tell HIM so.

So I am going to work on being HAPPY with this. Because there is good reason to be happy. Fresno is, I think, I tremendous blessing in my life. And even if it isn't forever, for now, in "Live and See" stance, he is freaking amazing. And the part of me that keeps me from being happy about him is a yucky combination of chemical Depression, Satan, an overly dramatic personality, and a dash of OCD. All of which I am going to work to overcome because I am NOT going to let my screwy brain mess up my chances of happiness. And I will NOT let stupid SATAN get between me and this great of a guy either. Because really now, Luci, I am getting AWFULLY sick of you. Like that quote I used to have up: "Live everyday so that each morning you open your eyes the devil says, 'Oh CRAP. She's awake.'" Because it is always good to piss off Satan.

Now that I am done with my feeble little pep talk to myself, I will feel the gliders and try to go to bed. Because it is a lot harder to deal with everything else if I keep staying up till 6 in the morning.

Good night.