Sunday, January 14, 2007

What About *After* Happily Ever After?

Still so cold! And my head just hates me. Not that that has anything to do with the cold. It just hates me and I hate it back. But I go in for another physical therapy appointment at SaucePot tomorrow. That tends to help at least SOME. Though it hurts at the time. I'm not exactly excited, therefore, but what more can I do? Today has been so bad I had to break down and take something stronger (Loritab... YUCK. I HATE how it makes me feel!). BLERGH.

Today was also not my best of days for healthy eating. My sugar *isn't* through the roof, surprisingly, because I splurged and had a FEW cups of hot chocolate. Because 1. it's Chocolate and 2. it's HOT and it's yummy. But I really do have plans to be MUCH MUCH BETTER!!! I want to lose some weight and just in general get HEALTHIER! (Stature ala Luke 2:25!)

I finished reading The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale. It was EXCELLENT. I admit, I am a sucker for fairy tales. The funny thing is I have never actually heard the Brother's Grimm version, so I just thought it was original. Either way I loved it. It had a similar feel to it as
Ella Enchanted, though longer... but didn't feel longer. It was just good. SIGH. Sometimes you just need a fairy tale, you know?

I don't really like straight romance. But I do like humor WITH romance, especially fantasy... but not high fantasy. This one worked that way. It wasn't TOO fantasy... but just magic enough. And just enough love to be fun, and girly, but not sappy. I do not like mush.

I am HOPING that the book I just started, a vampire book called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer won't be too sappy either. BoyKid gave it too me, and seemed to think I would like it. Hopefully the fact that it is, well, VAMPIRES, will tone down the mushy stuff to an acceptable level of romance?

So, what is the acceptable level of romance in my own real life? I do not know. But I suppose the same rules apply. Humor is key. If it's not funny then things just seem sappy and awkward. I think Fresno gets this. When things get too serious I get... fidgety. However, to his credit, he is very very good at funny. Good thing, too, because he has a lot of "We" plans. Big ones that kind of make me nervous if I think about them too much. Today he told me he is working on buying not one, but TWO houses. The one in Cali for his roomies AND one to live in here in Utah. He was talking to his real estate friend in Sandy yesterday and having him start looking now.

Being ME, I think, BUY a HOUSE?! You don't even REALLY know what will
happen! You could hate it here. You may not end up liking me that much. Get an apartment... by the SEMESTER even. Who just goes and buys a house in another state? I just don't want to uproot him and then maybe things not work. I don't want to mess up his life. He is making such gianormous decisions, depending, at least in part, on ME. And that scares the crap out of me. I don't think I am adult enough to be part of choices like that.

I have to sort of compartmentalize. Sa
y these are HIS decisions. I am not FORCING him to come here. Even though I am, obviously, a reason, I have to trust his judgment enough to believe he would not do so unless he feels OTHER parts of his life (job, church, etc.) would also be benefited by coming here. He won't move if it is a bad situation.

I think.

I just really like him and WANT him to come but don't want to be responsible for his coming, just in case things don't work. I don't want to mess him up. I know, I am babbling again. I don't feel like this WHEN I am talking to him. Okay, granted, mostly WHEN I am talking to him I am giggling and my brain is only half turned on. But it is just later that my brain starts turning our plans over and over and over and over in my head (and stomach, unfortunately, as I do have ulcers) and the giggly
happy time seems a long time ago and all that is left is me, by myself, with the rocks in my head.

For the love of everything shiny, WHY can't I just be HAPPY about this?! I have a
super cute, smart, and funny boy who actually likes me. He goes to church, works hard, loves his family, and is kind to animals. He is willing to drive long distances to visit me and spend time with my family. He is willing to MOVE to Utah so we can actually date in person. I really can not think of a more perfect person to be in love with, which I think I might BE, though I haven't really got to the point where I could tell HIM so.

So I am going to work on being HAPPY with this. Because there is good reason to be happy. Fresno is, I think, I tremendous blessing in my life. And even if it isn't forever, for now, in "Live and See" stance, he is freaking amazing. And the part of me that keeps me from being happy about him is a yucky combination of chemical Depression, Satan, an overly dramatic personality, and a dash of OCD. All of which I am going to work to overcome because I am NOT going to let my screwy brain mess up my chances of happiness. And I will NOT let stupid SATAN get between me and this great of a guy either. Because really now, Luci, I am getting AWFULLY sick of you. Like that quote I used to have up: "Live everyday so that each morning you open your eyes the devil says, 'Oh CRAP. She's awake.'" Because it is always good to piss off Satan.

Now that I am done with my feeble little pep talk to myself, I will feel the gliders and try to go to bed. Because it is a lot harder to deal with everything else if I keep staying up till 6 in the morning.

Good night.


  1. That's a cute pic of the two of you.

  2. Twilight is Good...I really liked it...but it does have a mushy romance. I don't know...I liked it and I don't like mushy is that something?

    Come to think of it, I've no idea where my copy is...*sniffles*

    I hope you get feeling better...and more confident. I know that's hard but really, I know you can do some incredible things.

  3. what's wrong with mushy!!?? hee hee

    I happen to like writing/reading mushy...

  4. lol. no wonder cc doesn't mind my stories ... ;)