The dreaded tomorrow

For over a month, I have been having really bad stomach pain.  More than I ever have before with my Gastroparesis.  So began the last little while of test after test.

Blood tests

CT Scan

XRay

Fecal Tests (everything comes down to poo!)

Urinalysis

Gastric Emptying Study (eating radioactive scrambled eggs and watching them digest)

I've had a few results (Gastroparesis is a lot worse, my white blood count is up, and so is my sed rate.)  but I have also had a very harrowing ER visit, and am hurting worse than ever, which brings us to today. Today I am prepping for a short hospital stay and going under so they can do an endoscopy (a camera goes down my throat)  and a colonoscopy (a camera goes up my... well, you get the idea).  Have I mentioned anesthesia is pretty much my biggest fear? I HATE the idea of being out of control of my senses. Actually my BIGGEST fear, and I mean very biggest fear is that I will be PARTLY under, like under enough not to speak or move but not under enough not to feel and they will start procedure and I will be screaming inside... basically, that movie "Awake" that came out a few years ago? The trailers gave me panic attacks, no lie.

So, that probably won't happen. And if it did, this is a colonoscopy... not surgery. So it would be really uncomfortable, not, like, kill me.

RIGHT??? *sigh* I hate hospitals soooo much...

Sappy Movies, Crappy Day

Today was a not-so-good church day.  My head was (still is) stabbing.  My stomach was giving me major grief too.  I went to church, but only stayed for the Sacrament, then ducked out.

So,  I was watching some silly Lifetime movie about a lady who has to raise her Amish sister's children after she dies.  Saving Sarah Cain.  It's an interesting story, pretty sappy, but not bad on a Sunday afternoon.  (Besides, I have to admit I am kind of obsessed with the Amish.  I think it is funny when they are confused for Mormons, since I am Mormon, but I really admire them immensely.  Mostly I kept watching thinking, "I know him/her" and "that place looks really familiar!"  So I looked it up on IMDb and sure enough it was filmed mostly in Utah, with a few people Rinny has been in shows with.  Small world.

Now I am watching Kate and Leopold, one of my favorite chick flicks.

Also trying to decide how to make a Saint Patrick's Day article REALLY about snakes. ;)

I really get frustrated with days like this.  The headache, the Gastroparesis, the Fibromyalgia.  When am I going to feel GOOD?

T-a-D for the Short Bus Set

Remember that whole Thing-a-Day thing I was talking about before?  Steph is doing it?  Well, I was thinking about it some more because I thought it was such a good thing to keep ME motivated and DOING things.  Only it really is meant to be CREATING things.  Which is usually what I do anyway... at work, or with Critters 2 Go, or whatever. "Make" things.

But sometimes doing ANY thing in a day, creative or no, is an accomplishment.  Between Depression and Fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis sometimes it is hard to squeeze in a THING at ALL.

Today I am proud that I:

* Went to the pool, and exercised at least a little

*Took my mom to the Sunflower Market

*Picked my clothes up off the ground.

*kept living.

Gastro Rant

You know, the chronic migraines, the Diabetes, the Depression, etc. they all get to me and frankly makes it hard to deal some days.  Somedays I don't feel so much like being funny.  This is one of those moments.  So for just a bit, pardon my rant while I whine a bit about how my Gastroparesis ****s up my life.

Gastroparesis, for me, means:
*I'm now vegetarian... but can't have fresh fruit or vegetables.
*keeping my fat under 40 grams a day... but never seeming to lose weight. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!
*Stomachaches that hurt so bad I can't go to church, can't go to work, can't go to a party, can't see my friends, can't think about returning to school, can't cope, can't HOPE.
*No social life. Wanna go out for dinner? Oh sure, you eat, I'll just bring an Ensure in my pocket! Because I don't seem awkward enough BEFORE!
*Pain.
*A acceptable reason to turn down anyone's cooking. I am allergic to FOOD! ;)
*The food pyramid is crumbling! Nowhole grains, no meat, no veggies, no fruit, little fats and sweets... poor little food Mummies... where will they live? Or be entombed, rather?