For a Year and a Day...

Sounds like how long it's been since I blogged. Oh wait, that would be more like FOREVER and a day.  But really, this evening I went to a friend's handfasting.  It's mostly a Pagan ceremony and is sort of a temporary/trial marriage.  They are married for a year and a day then can decide to be married for forever then, or walk away. It was very interesting.  They lit various colors of candles in a certain order than symbolized different things (there was a member of the wedding party who served as sort of a narrator to explain what everything meant which was cool.) had a "sacred circle," drank some Martinelli's (instead of wine), and then tied their hands together, supposedly for 48 hours (but they are going to cheat because they have a baby to take care of.).

It was really interesting.  I have this thing about other religions and cultures.  I love them!  Do I love my own, too?  Of course. And more than that I believe it is true (religion. Not culture.  There is no such thing as a true culture!) so I follow it, to the best of my ability.  But I just think learning about others is so fun.

Earlier today I had another adventure.  Monday is World Turtle Day and I really wanted to get a picture or 2 the green sea turtle at Living Planet for my Examiner article.  You know the one that escaped a shark and a boat accident and lived?  She is cool!  However, my pictures weren't so awesome.  So I ended up using one of the new musk turtle they have.  Anyway, I really wanted to get the aquarium to see the turtles and everything else and write about it.  So I did!  I went to "Strut Your Mutt" in the morning for school, but having no mutt to strut, I left and went to the Aquarium. 

I love the aquarium.  I love the seahorses, the jellyfish, and the penguins.  I love petting the stingrays.  I love hearing kids ask questions.  I love the new exhibits with glow-in-the-dark scorpions and colorful geckos.  It is just a fun place to hang out.  And since I just renewed my yearly membership, I will be going back.  So, if you are bored and feel like looking at some pretty cool critters and want some company, well, I'm game.

I hope they call me on a non-existant mission, when I have saved an amphibious kangaroo or 2!

Serving a LDS mission is awesome.  You get to share your testimony, meet cool people and serve good causes (like teaching English as a second language, shelve library books, visit rest homes, etc.) Sometimes I really miss it. 

AAAAAND sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and really miss ANOTHER mission.  Where we spent the holidays with the Amish kids from that Lifetime movie... and their crazy grandmother, Cloris Leachman. Where we all went together to rock concerts/Karaoke where the Amish girls performed Les Mis and Hannha Montana, respectively.  Where they all made us missionaries elaborate beaded Nativity sets that we treasured.  Where they helped us get in volunteer hours by fostering and rehabilitating bear cub, giant ducks, and ummm... kangaroo who live in lakes.

Yeah, my brain is so warped.  At least it wasn't a nightmare.  I am actually on meds to prevent nightmares. Crazy. )I refer to the situation AND myself)

A Serious Topic for a Change. Todd Ransom

Our next door neighbor's son committed suicide.  We are so sad for them, and the ward is collecting money to buy the family a yard sculpture to remember him with.  The weird thing is, everyone knew about him already, and the bloggosphere is buzzing because Todd was gay and part of that anti-mormon/pro-homosexuality movie 8: The Mormon Proposition interviews.  They are all saying he killed himself because of all the persecution he suffered... I wish I knew what happened to him.  Was he ACTUALLY persecuted, or did he just FEEL persecuted?  Either is sad, and the fact that it led to his death is tragic.  But I guess, knowing his family (especially his older sister, Melissa, a friend of mine back in Junior High and High School who is AWESOME.), I just hope people know THEY were loving people.  I can't imagine them being part of that persecution.  But I CAN see them being against his lifestyle.

That balance is hard.  I do not believe we should accept homosexuality, but we should not just accept but LOVE our homosexual family and friends.  But it is hard.  I have family and friends who are Gay or Bi.  I love them. Their choices make me sad.  But if they were to feel they were better off dead? That would be much MUCH sadder.  I may not understand having same-gender attraction to battle, but suicidal? Yes, I have felt that before.  Nobody should feel like that. :"(  I hate that thought more than any other!

"People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are" (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).

If you are reading this and are my friend or relative and happen to be gay, know that I love you anyway.  Your sexual orientation does not change that.  I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH.  And so does God, no matter what people may say.

In other news I am back to "in a relationship" on Facebook.  Yes, I am a dork.  But Ola and I are officially online "dating" again.  Not that we ever stopped talking but we backed off a bit for various reasons.  Things are not perfect, but one thing is for sure... I still love Ola. IN love with him, really.  And him with me, of that I have no doubt.  NO DOUBT that I am LOVED!  What a great feeling!  What a singularly rare one for me, too.  Especially with Depression still being a daily battle. But I am continuing my battle. My family will not have a yard sculpture to remember ME by.

Huh. Nazis. Gays. Romance.  Maybe I should recheck that Blog rating below that says it's G. *blush*
Yup...
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GOOD song

Aspen and the Rainbow Bridge.

Thing-a-Day: made a little page for the Worm stuff I am doing for 6th Grade Outreach feild trips at work... amd for selling Hissers.  http://critters2go.homestead.com/buy.html  I know this may freak you out but I have people WAITING  for this newest batch of hissing cockroaches to get to be "teens" and the right size for feeding to critters like Sugar Gliders.

Speaking of sugar gliders, mine are barking at me right now.  They are so funny.  Heber pops his head up randomly from the pouch around my neck just to see if I am doing something that SHOULD involve him, then goes back in when he sees I have no treats or feathers to play with.  Today the first glider my sugar glider "mentor," my friend who first welcomed me into the sugar glider community and answered my questions, ever had, passed away.  She was 13 years old.  My girls are about 7, Heber is a couple years older.  So she was an elderly glider, and certainly had a great life with Amy.  But I mourn with Amy, who has been such a good friend to me, and say goodbye to Aspen.  I believe in life after death... and I do not believe our Heavenly Father would be much of a God worth worshiping if He didn't include our dear animals in that.  I believe Amy will see Aspen again.  But I still can't imagine her hurt.  If it were Lilo, Nani, or Heber and I... I would fall to pieces.  Rest in Peace, little Aspen.

Vanishing Introspection/Tirade

So, apparently a post I wrote which was sort of even spiritual has disappeared. So I am annoyed. Because I really don't feel like rewriting it thank you very much. Long story short, it was about BoyKid's bestfriend JT coming home from a Mission, his little bro leaving on one and how a friend© I looked up to because of her high levels of quality funny has left the Church over Prop 8. (I am pretty sure there is much more to it than that, but that is the very very sad gist)

I am just not up to re-writing. Sorry. BUT, I so love little kids. And my baby bro. THE END. *sigh*

Pieces of Eight

Pilfered from T-La

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1. The Office
2. Heroes
3. Chuck
4. NCIS
5. Perry Mason
6. Gilmore Girls
7. It's Me or the Dog
8. Bones


8 Things that Happened Yesterday
1. Went to the Doctor *sigh*
2. Texted back and forth with a "Koda Bear" who has been doing so off and on, like, a year, and he asked me OUT. I said maybe sometime. But I probably won't. Because he is kinda weird. I've never met him. It is WEIRDER, somehow, than online. Texting some stanger out of the blue. SERIOUSLY. Who does that?!
3. Went to the pool and swam a bit
4. Watched Chuck and Heroes.
5. Felt like CRAP.
6. Started drinking the barium "smoothie" (vile stuff!) for today's CT scan of my stomach.
7. Tried very hard not to throw up said "smoothie."
8. Prayed a lot for a lot of people. <:O( See Wishlist, I guess.


8 Favorite Places to Eat
1. China Bowl (BEST. Egg Drop Soup. Ever. Even if she is the Soup Nazi of Chinese Restaurants. "Yeah, can we get Lemon Chicken Dinner to go?" "NO. You had that too many time. You have something different today. You have Coconut Shrimp. You like." "Oh thanks, that sounds good, but..." " NO LEMON CHICKEN. You Have Shrimp! You like! Very good!")
2. Macaroni Grill (Shrimp and Pine Nut Portofino, hold the mushrooms, please!.... mmmmm.... and the BREAD.)
3. Betos
4. Skipper's (too bad it's GONE!)
5. that Brazilian place on State Street that has the cheese rolls sold seperatley. Mmmm... I want some NOW.
6. Cafe Rio (Pork Salad!)
7. Target (Yes, THAT Target. They have Sushi.)
8. Cold stone. I like to eat at coldstone. Does having ice cream for dinner count? <---YES. It Counts, because ME TOO!!!


8 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. The 2nd Coming
2. being healthy and DONE with all doctors, tests and meds.
3. the Holidays
4. Ooh, one of those cookies my mom is making for someone else. Hmmm...
5. taking a bath
6. The next Heroes (yes, I AM that big of a geek)
7. My Baby Bro Spencer coming home from his mission
8. Thanksgiving Dinner (with the Ostleparkwells... or some Tigers. If we are home we are definitely having it with T-La and Megs and their Fam. But we MAY be in Vegas. If that is the case I am pushing to go back to the Secret Garden. I swear, am packing a lunch and staying the WHOLE DAY in there. I love those cats.)


8 Things on My Wish List
1. For an online friend of mine who once was looking into the LDS Church to do so again and feel the truth of the gospel and mostly how it could HELP his life.
2. That those who are so full of HATRED about Proposition 8 in California could just... CHILL and have softer hearts. Disagreeing is one thing. For me it was hard to stand behind Prop 8 100% because I have friends and FAMILY who I love dearly that struggle with SSA. I knew this would hurt them. BUT I know that the leaders of the church SPEAK FOR THE LORD. And for whatever reason, they have asked us to take a stand on this cause. And, honestly, if it's causing THIS MUCH of a fight... mobs attacking temples and stuff, then, it must be super important.
But I just wish the contention would STOP. Why is it ANGER and screaming and picketing? I just think of sadness...
3. My home was clean and organized...
4. And that I was LIVING there. :OP
5. I wish could get healthy. Get a healthy weight so my dumb diabetes under control. Especially now, because, oh, my doctor thinks I may SORT OF have TYPE ONE Diabetes as well as Type 2. Like little kid Diabetes. Just not really bad. How crazy is that? Anyway, losing 100 lbs would be REALLY great.
6. a Ferret. He is adorable and I love him. He is silver and white, and follows me around the cage in Petco, and snuggles with me. But I can't have him. But this is a WISH list dang it all!
7. Hey, while I am wishing for things I can't have, how about a funny, cute boy that likes me and DOESN'T live far away, etc.?
8. Money. Or at least a job that I like that gives me more of it. *sigh*


8 People I Tag
Umm... you... eight.

Pioneering New Steps as a Big Girl for Josie... and Oscar the Grouch's on Dope?

Pioneer Day (here in Utah and elsewhere for the LDS Church) and this year was a definite day for some Pioneering of our own. A day of firsts, both bad and good.

Oh sure, RINNY BEGAN celebrating in HER way (Pioneer Day (and Saint Patrick's Day) is one of the most important and exciting holidays in the Pink and Fluffy RinnyWorld... she wraps her hair in rag curls the day before, dresses in pioneer dresses all day, bakes bread all day, and drives us nuts playing the Trail of Dreams soundtrack (she played the first Bodil Mortensen... well, first except the real one, in pioneer times. HA!) on repeat at top volume. But ended up being uncharacteristically brave and leaving on a weekend camping/hiking/river rafting trip in Idaho surrounding the Twin Falls Temple open house! I am proud of her.

My little "foster kid" however, is not doing so well. Actually, pretty much feeling like if we WERE Pioneers, I might be one of those moms burying their babies by the side of the trail and I was crying and crying. When Josie was sick before, she had a stomach thing. Her little premie stomach just couldn't handle the food she thought she was ready for and it made her very sick. But this was... well, IS... worse. She has a very scary infection under where her horns were. She screams in pain when you accidentally touch her head. I took her to work and the top farm workers told me to put Preparation-H on it to draw out infection and just keep an eye on it. But after that... she started losing balance. And then, Wednesday or so she was SLEEPING ALL DAY. Lethargy is NOT a Josie thing. She is the most hyper critter EVER!

I had NO confidence in Preparation-H solving something like THIS. I was pretty sure being all sleepy like that meant it was systemic and spreading. AND I knew she needed to see a vet and get an antibiotic before I REALLY lost my baby along the "trail." So, since I was not actually able to drive right now, Mom came with and we took off for the farm to get little Josie and her yucky pussy head taken care of.

But before we got very far we saw thick billowing smoke coming from a under the lid of a household dumpster! It was in front of a neighbor's house and we stopped in front looking at it. It was sort of a yellowish color. I pulled over and went to the house to knock on the door and tell the homeowners, but they weren't there. I went to the can and my mom yelled "be careful, what if it explodes?!" but I felt the side of the can and it was hot but not super hat, so I stood BEHIND it so if I lifted the lid nothing would, like, make my head burst into flames. But there was a LOT of smoke coming from a black trash bag and it was very thick and yellow and smelled POISONOUS, so I dropped the lid and headed back to the Jeep to breathe. (I suspect it was something scary and flammable left in too hot of sun that started.) My mom said "what should we do? Should we just check on it when we get back from the farm?" and (this is where I feel quite proud of me) I said, "No, we call the FIRE DEPARTMENT!"
"Like the fire department?"
"Yeah, Mom!"
"Oh, I don't know if we can do that!"
So I picked up my phone and called. I told them the address. They asked the color of the smoke. They asked the distance of the can from the house. And they said that a fire engine was on it's way but that an officer was right by and would come immediately. He arrived and told us "we don't know what is burning in there, so let's have you guys parked further back at a safe distance." Then he talked to us and told us to actually leave the street, so we asked if we could just GO because as curious as we were to see the END of the story, as fire engines were roaring up, the people at the farm who could help Josie were going to LEAVE at 3 and I was really worried about my kid. He said we could and I left unfulfilled. But still... pretty crazy, eh?!

Well, Josie's little check up with WeatheredLeatheredFarmLady was good because she agreed that Josie was very ill and needed further treatment and BAD because she needed to get permission to have a vet see her from our favorite person Sgary.

HATEHIMHATEHIMHATEHIM.

He won't pay for vets or medicine for any but the "profitable" animals and we have "plenty" of goat kids and "if she dies, she dies."

Yes, THOSE WORDS.



However, WLFL said she did have some penicillin left over from another animal and could call up a vet friend for an un-official diagnosis and dosage. We did so and started injections. They hurt her pretty bad and she screamed QUITE loud. Poor little baby.

But after that things got better and she impressed me with 3 HUGE milestones!

When we got home Josie, though still very sick and sleepy, 1. ate (actually ate, swallowed, not just chewed on!) a substantial amount of hay! 2. stole an apricot and ATE IT!!! 3. DRANK WATER FROM A BOWL FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME!!!!

When she drank that water, I started to cry. Because I knew that even if it was going to be very very hard (and it likely was) that the MANY prayers I had said this week had gotten through and that Heavenly Father was telling me that Josie really COULD get through this and be weaned and generally things WOULD be okay.

It's just all really hard. I love this Goat.

Happy [and SAD!] Pioneer Day!

Consider the Zombies

FINALLY, BoyKid was able to call the fam! It was so great to hear from him. He told very funny stories (including one guy who said he preferred churches that prayed "AGGRESSIVELY" and they were pretty scared about what that might mean. (Personally, I pictured something like this.) Hee hee!) and as usual just blew me away with his freaking RIGHTEOUSNESS. SERIOUSLY, he is just. so. GOOD. It's kind of creepy! Where did all this celestivity come from anyway? And it's not SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS, either, like, umm, other often very churchy siblings I have can be. He is still funny and nice and awesome! AND perfect. How the heck did THAT happen? And how is it that after being such a bratty little child who I could hardly stand as a baby, I actually LIKE my brother? That I like hanging out with him? That he has become my FRIEND that I would like even if we weren't related? CRAZY! Who LIKES their little brother? But mine freaking ROCKS! Man, I miss him!

I should actually WRITE him on occasion, I suppose. hee hee! I have been sucking at that as of late.

In other news, I reorganized my blog a little and am working on a little clarification post. But one of the things I did was change the post topic list from alphabetical to Frequency of Mentioning. It made me discover a few things.
Like that I seem freaking OBSESSED with Fresno.
And that this Blog is mostly about Depression.
And that I need to talk more about Zombies. I would hate to slight zombies, you know.

Yesterday I went with my mom to Sandy and she went to the Cemetary to put mums on Grandma's and Grandpa's graves for Memorial Day and dropped me off at Jake and Megs. YAY!!! I so *heart* Megs! Jakey too. He is one of my favorite husbands. (you know... hubby of my friends, hubbys, in general. Not of MINE. As I don't HAVE one.) They were making me giggle lots. They told me funny stories about the boys, too. Oh, and T-La now has a BLOG, so now I am going to read about those crazy kids, too! Because I love those kiddlets!

I have missed Megan! The coolest thing, though, is that the Moms are trying to organize a little plan (mostly, I think, to keep watch over their troubled daughters... ie: me and Megs) where once a month we ALL... Mom, Padre, Rinny, Me, Megs, Jakey, T-La, Les, Gabe, Caleb, Eli, Aunt Clare, and Uncle Lynn... have Sunday dinner together! YAY! I think it's a very good plan. Just because it means seeing Megs and the little boys at least once a month. Good plan! Wheee!

So, I have to admit it is not just the blog reorganization that brings up Fresno in my mind. That happens more than I am comfortable with. My brain sucks. Grrr. Anyway, the thing is his birthday is the first, and I remembered that recently and wanted to kick myself for even knowing that anymore, you know? Plus, it's hard not to feel old when most of my friends are suddenly expecting their 2nd or 3rd child and my cousin's KIDS are having bridal showers. And pretty much the extent of my talking to that are not married dads taking kids to our classes at the museum are the parade of semi-literate Nigerians that won't stop senselessly falling for me me on SS (which, btw, is For Sale! Anybody COOL (and rich?Like a Thousand-aire?!) wanna buy a dating site that used to be my main social life?). At least they write me gems like this:

"You’re as beautiful as an angel in the sky. I can imagine how pretty and gorgeous you were in your flower age."

Whiskey Tango... I AM ONLY 29! How long ago WAS my Flower Age anyway?

I AM writing regularly to a hilarious intelligent literate non-Nigerian on OKCupid. Mostly about things like Underoos, tinfoil hats, and putting the Ninja Turtles on the endangered species list. THAT is some funny stuff. Very funny boy. Too bad he's not also very Mormon. (As in, well, he ISN'T Mormon.). hee hee. Ah well, such is life.

Anyway, it's nice to have funny people to talk to when I actually DO. Mostly, lately I am either at work writing curriculum for our upcoming day camps or playing with goats or at a doctor's appointment, or laying down in a dark room, doped up, and wishing my head would just DISAPPEAR. Sure, I'd look a little funny decapitated but not having a headache might be worth it.

Umm... Zombies!

Friday with Fanpires and Fairies to Sunday No-Shows

It has been a CRAZY weekend!
WORK was hilarious.

So I get to the barn for my first field trip; Kindergarteners at Farm Country means emphasizing the 5 Senses. I especially love how we say "do you notice it smells different here than at your home?" and I am thinking gee I HOPE it does unless you happen to have cow poop all over YOUR house. We are full of that Teacher-ese, usually with this OVER enthusiasm that I really ONLY can must AT work with my kiddlets. In real life it is just NOT natural to be THAT chipper. "Let's say hi to our friends, Amazing Grace and Annie Oakley. They are Belgians." Or "Oh, this is our little bunny friend!" Occasionally a child asks something like "is this animal your friend too?" "Yep!" But THIS time a more logical and frustrated and confused kid raised his hand and said incredulously, "Umm, how come a horse is your FRIEND?" "Because they work so hard and help us pull our wagons and we love all the animals on our farm!" "But they can't TALK. FRIENDS can TALK." "Well, these are just... Animal friends." "But TEACHER! A horse can NOT be a friend because..." "Lets go see our peacock friends!" Other fun stuff happens at the farm, too. I LOVE Kids. There are kids and then there are kids....

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) /kɪd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kid] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, kid·ded, kid·ding, adjective –noun

1.	Informal. a child or young person.

2.	(used as a familiar form of address.)

3.	a young goat.

and BOTH crack me up. We've just had quite a few new babies born, too. The newest pygmy ones look like kittens. I love holding the little graham cracker colored girl (and her little black twin brother) most right now. Even my own little Ambrosia participating in a favorite naughty goat past time RIDING SHEEP! The sheep hate it. They fall asleep or wander by a box and those little goats who are tiny enough to slip under the fence between the sheep and goat pens climb onto those soft woolly "blankets" to nap... OR just to stand up while the sheep go nuts while the babies entertain themselves being, though is still just a year old and you can tell she's still young, though she WASN'T chosen as the "official" Birthday Party Goat. Right now that is Ginger. The bottle-fed trouble maker shown here Mutton Busters riding around the pen. IT IS HILARIOUS! Goats are funny and smart. Sheep... not so much. (Though, actually I really like that sheep in the photo. He's friendly. He's a Rambouillet named Cherokee.) Next field trip was 1st Grade at the Children's Discovery Garden which is about Bees and Pollination in plant growth. It is a fun one. However it was HOT outside, and I was an idiot who forgot my hat. So I am once again sunburned... but still hurting from frostbite. Oh AND they were supposed to do rubbings of plants with crayons then label what part of the plant it was? Well the crayons were little pools of wax when the second group got there! (Fun to have the kids practice Fanning like the bees do so their combs don't melt though!) They loved seeing our real bee hive, though it has become disturbingly sparse this year. That whole mystery honey bee sickness or something is... bad. (And right now I am actually learning a bit from a site about ICE CREAM, randomly. But they let you make a bee. And it IS informative. Coolio. AND totally adding some of this INFO for next time.) AFTER a couple field trips at the garden I was headed to the office. The problem? The education office is in the Red Show Barn. It was only 2 or 3 in the afternoon or so but already the line to the Red Barn stretched far out into the hot sun. They were waiting for Stephenie Meyers to come and talk about The Host, at, like 7. In fact, some tried to camp out but security freaked out and kicked them out last night. So they came back this morning. And these are some GOOD tailgaters! They don't just have pizza and chairs and card games. They were making ice cream in a home-made ice scream maker and vegetable kebabs on a butane grill under beach awnings while watching videos on their laptops. It was hilarious! We could not get to our office with out stepping on blankets and asking people to move chairs and such. Truthfully, those Twilight novels are my girlishly guilty pleasure and I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting Breaking Dawn due to come out in August. I AM a fan. But I didn't know about this sold out book talk event until my Aunt L called and asked if since Rinny and I worked here did we have anyway to get in anyway. (We told her no. But that didn't stop ME from later that day attempting to get in under the pretense of working the event. You know, I thought maybe I could be all "Oh, pardon me, employee coming through. Ms. Meyers, can we get you anything? A fresh pen? Here's MY book to test it out on..." Yeah, well, Borders brought their OWN hosting peoples to sort of, uhh POLICE the door. So I failed. Hee hee!) The funniest part to me, though, was Rinny's reaction to all this when I left to run an errand. She called me all panicked. "They were fighting!" "What? Who?" "People in line! There was fighting! Security had to be called!" "SHUT UP! THAT is too funny! PLEASE tell me they were fighting over liking Edward or Jacob more, because that will SO make my day!" "Who? What? No, someone, like, butted or they were squishing closer to get more shade or something..." "Oh." "But THEY WERE SWEARING!" "Okay...?" "I was afraid and couldn't leave my office because there was fighting and they were swearing and I had to call security and..." "WAIT. YOU called security?" "I COULDN'T LEAVE MY OFFICE!" "Why?" "THEY WERE SWEARING!" "Rinny! SWEAR WORDS are not, like, jack knives! They can't actually hurt you! The people in line aren't GANG members! They are NERDS! Bookworms!" "They are KIND of like a cult... and they ARE VAMPIRE books!" I seriously almost crashed my car I was laughing so hard. My sister is such a dork. I love her to bits. But OH MY HELL what a pink and fluffy world she lives in. Anyway, yeah. AWESOME. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

ANYWAY, I DID end up SEEING Stephenie Meyers, by a weird chance. She and 2 hostess looking girls in yellow sashes were taking a BREAK behind the barn as I drove by and she seriously looked like she was ready to cry. I don't think she had anticipated the THOUSAND people in that barn STILL wanting her autograph and her hand was probably ready to break off. It might have been PLANNED to end at 9 but I would be totally shocked if she got out of there before midnight, poor woman. I mean GOOD for her, because that means more books sold and thus more fame and fortune, but I just looked at her and thought she can NOT be having a good time! She looked a little overwhelmed. But hey, good for her, and congrats for making it big, you might say. :O) Since she seems like a nice person and at least SEEMS like she really does live her faith. Kudos. And I am a dorky dorky fan. So pathetic. SIGH. And yes, I gave in and had to buy The Host, too. JUST started it. (It is for ADULTS, though, not teens. So even though I actually AM 28 rather than 18 it will be slower going than my usual literary candy. Hee hee!) SO, after I gave up trying to schmooze my way in with out tickets and enjoying the hype by proxy I went the OTHER direction on that Thanksgiving Point/Cabella's road out to the sleep doctor place. Because earlier that day they called and asked if my study could be changed from next Thursday to THIS Friday. Yay? My room was decorated in fairies which was kinda fun.... except it seemed a little incongruous when there were cameras in the ceiling and all kinds of monitors and machines on the nightstand. Not shockingly, I didn't sleep much being all trussed up like some sort of robot... (this was NOT all the wires and tubes I actually had to wear when they put me to bed (Oh, and at 11 because they "let me stay up"... as if I EVER COULD sleep that early anyway. They also let me "sleep in" TILL SEVEN. UGH. As they say "Seven has an a.m.?"). Nope, there were more. Like stuff IN my nose. Yeah, as if I could sleep comfortable with THAT. Good Gordon. Well, I don't have the OFFICIAL results but the unofficial ones seem to suggest I will be placed on a CPAP machine for oxygen after all. I am, ahh, Under-Joyed. I know everyone says it will be worth it, to sleep better and stuff. That I will get used to sleeping in a mask. That it won't make me even MORE of a long shot to ever finding love. That if I need it, then that's that. I NEED it.

But I still can't help but feel impending doom about the Mask.

SO, when I was woken up (after such a comfy and relaxing night and sleeping in SOOO late *rolls eyes*) I headed home and did my best to wash off the glue and red markings from my skin before a bridal shower in Brigham City. (Bleh. Showers.) My cousins are getting married... NOT TO EACH OTHER, MIND YOU. We are not polygamists nor are we from Texas, thank you very much. ;O) (Yeah, many of my family are LDS... but I don't think any of us FLDS) One cousins' son's fiance and another cousin's daughter had a joint bridal shower and yes, it was as cool as it sounds. hee hee! Made me feel OLD, too since now it's all the cousins' CHILDREN getting married and having babies instead of the cousins like me and Rinny. It's hard because we are sort of closer in age to the great grands anyways since Dad and mom are both second youngest of sevens in their respective fams, but also because, well, we are not MARRIED right out of missions or highschool, but of course THEY, those baby cousins, ARE.

I miss my baby bro.

OH and yeah, did we get to talk to him Sunday because remember how we were supposed to get a call for Mother's Day? NO. He had to take another 8 hour train ride. WHAT IS HE, a missionary, or Mr. Conducter?! GRRRRR!

Pajama Church notes again

Basically these (because of this) continued. Notes. Thoughts (even random ones that I felt like writing down). Etc. with all who spoke today.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, 2nd Counselor

"He went about doing good" applies to both Christ AND President Monson.

Faith of our Fathers... "The Faith of our Father in HEAVEN has been consistent since the begining of time" -Pres. Uchtdorf

Elder D. Todd Christofferson, the new member of the 12

Oooh he seems a very intelligent and verbose speaker... though not quite as big of a fan of alliteration as the late and very awesome Elder Maxwell. Still, I like it. Elder Maxwell and his hilarious intelligence was one of my favorites. I was SO sad when he died. It is hard to see things change, even though the WORK, the pattern, never does.

Remarkable not typical! Being born again, a true spiritual rebirth, is more a process than an event.

Sheldon F. Child, of the 70

I admit, even with all my 4-H work at work I still can't really understand how those kids can raise a baby animal like a pet, then sell it to be killed. I understand selling animals for food, I am not a full vegetarian (yet)... but not after raising them in such an intimate way. I couldn't do that. Anyway, tangent.

Ugh. I hate breadfruit. Though if you NEEDED it for your family, that is still cool. I'm just saying...

"...you will be blessed in dollars and cents. You will be able to pay your debts." You can't get much more clear than that, can you? PAY YOUR TITHING.

Susan W. Tanner, just released as the YW President

Delight in the things of the Lord

Boyd K. Packer, President of the 12

Good tie... a positive tie, AND a power tie. nice. ANYWHO...

"These are the dead apostles... we are the living apostles." Wow.

"My life is like my shoes... to be worn out in service"
- President Spencer W. Kimball


President Thomas S. Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

It is a good thing to remember that the decisions made in the Temple after President Hinckley's death and the Solemn Assembly yesterday were connected. WE were pledging our OWN devotion to those divinely directed choices of the prophets.

Jeffrey R. Holland, of the 12

We are Christian!

The Bible is true and holy... but is NOT the answer to everything.

The Bible is NOT what makes one a Christian... scriptures POINT to God, they are NOT God.

Elder David A. Bednar, of the 12

Ask in Faith... to ask with intent to ACT

Meaningful Prayer Requires Holy Communication and Consecrated Work!

Praying for missionary opportunities... and NOT expecting the full-time missionaries to do OUR work ("They are full-time TEACHERS, we are full-time FINDERS!")

Elder W. Craig Zwick, of the 70

"Do we recognize temptation when it's so well camouflaged?"

Paul said not to be MEN-PLEASERS!
"BE NOT ASHAMED!"


Robert S. Steuer, of the 70

How to get Light inside you
1. learn true doctrine
2. gain pure testimony
3. live courageously

The Light of Christ!

Elder Dennis Nuenshwander, of the 7o

"the crowd came to see... but the woman came to be healed"

Elder Lance B. Wickman, of the 70

Ummm... was that a joke at the beginning? If so, nobody laughed. If not (or if so) I didn't get it at all. Huh.

Okay... not a joke.

Yeah. Um.

Craig C. Christensen, of the 70

The Book of Mormon is a book with a promise

M. Russell Ballard, of the 12

Do not OVER SCHEDULE your kids!

It is hard because, like he says he hopes none of us women, married or not doubt our value in the church... and yet, the family is central to the church. That's awfully hard to balance sometimes, you know? It's like, you are valuable... sort of. I know that's NOT how things are meant at ALL. But sometimes that's how it feels.

President Thomas S. Monson

Just... random information off the top of his head, it seems. Good stuff, but random. But it is somehow good to see him not always so polished (and not ALWAYS about widows. hee hee!)

Conference Weekend... When Saturdays feel like Sundays and Sundays feel like Saturdays

In case you didn't know (and thus are probably NOT Mormon) this weekend is kinda special... churchy-wise, because I AM a Mormon. I struggle sometimes, but that part of me, well, yeah, that part I am sure of. I am LDS. A sometimes messed up one, but definitely LDS. And this weekend, as I shared on my other more religious blog, "Small Plates," is our General Conference.

Since I am (as usual) at the computer I thought I would take a few notes right where I am. And, thus, my barely comprehensible literary doodles are blogged here for your own perusal.

Saturday Notes:

I LOVED the first part... the Solemn Assembly. (I raised my hand the wrong time the first time, though... did you?) I DO sustain our leaders. I know they are called of God.

I loved Elder Wirthlin sitting and talking about not needing to be a piccolos. Because it is hard sometimes to not be a piccolo.

And Eld-I mean-President Eyering's whole awesome talk. So positive. Reminded me, at least in TONE, of President Hinckley's happiness. And that made me happy.

OPENING our Hearts. Because He takes things UNTO and not INTO our Heart.

I am thinking about sending Elder Richard G. Scott's talk on sexual abuse to Megs when it comes out in text. But is it tender ENOUGH? I do not know.

More notes to come, well, tomorrow. On Sunday.

"You are a Murderer of Love!"

You Are Flip Flops

You are laid back and very friendly. Cheery and sunny in disposition, you usually have something to smile about. Style is important to you, as long as you can stay casual. It takes a lot to get you to dress up! You are a loyal and true person, though you can be a bit of a flake. You tend to "play hooky" and blow off responsibilities a lot more than most people. You should live: By the beach You should work: At a casual up and coming company

What Kind of Shoe Are You?

Figures... since I mostly wear them. Even though I don't call them Flip-Flops. Or "thongs." *shudder* They are Slippahs. Blame school in Laie.



So, let's see, what has happened lately. Okay, Rinny went on a high school choir tour in Seattle and came back with a boyfriend. HA! Okay, fine, so he is her own age and they were both chaperons because one of the Melissas is a teacher. But they did KNOW each other in high school (and she crushed on him then, too)... in fact, I vaguely remember him from back them, too... her mentioning him at least. Anyway, somehow they came home almost dating... for now. I say for now because, well, it's Rinny. And besides, we Mayberry girls do NOT have a history of knowing how to date. SIGH.

I fell for an April Fool's Joke, the day after. Because I only heard about it, second hand, and it WASN'T April Fool's Day anymore. So for a whole day I thought it was possible that Snoop Dogg was joining the LDS Church. I did NOT see the site, and when I did I thought it was very funny and knew it was a joke, but before I SAW anything I thought it may be true. It was good, though. I wish I could show it again, but it's been removed. Here show at least part of it. Here is one that hopefully will stick around though the original is gone. Sad.

Oh, and a random pic from another site mocking it... Hee hee hee!

Okay, so I am a cotton-headed ninny muggins. BUT He SHOULD become, Mormon, huh? I mean he's into his family like we are, I hear he's buddies with Donny Osmond oddly enough (but I don't know that?), and, because, you know... everyone should. Hee hee! Happy Conference Weekend, right? The first Conference in 13 years with a new Prophet and President. Plus, we will see who the new one of the 12 will be. Plus, you know, just a chance to sit at the feet of the Lord, metaphorically and all that. Yay!

So, sometimes I randomly READ the dictionary or dictionary. YES REALLY. I am just that big of a dork. I was looking for the right spelling for a game and came across this and laughed a LOT.

Pneumonic device

Not to be confused with mnemonic device.

Not to be confused with pneumatic device.

Pneumonic device is a generic term for equipment designed for use with or relating to the lungs. The iron lung and medical ventilator may be considered pneumonic devices. The term may also refer to any device used in the field of respiratory therapy.

A rare mnemonic device for remembering the difference between a mnemonic device and a pneumonic device goes as follows: "Please, never enter unless my oxygen is correct."

OH SO, I finally saw Dan in Real Life. GOOD MOVIE! I laughed VERY hard. "This corn is an angel." It is one of those sad AND funny movies. "You are a murderer of love!" Fantastic. I SO love Steve Carell.

I am now going to be a Merit Badge Counselor. Not that I wasn't BEFORE, but now I am official, not just helping Dave, because we want a way better program. And we are going to be starting a Geology badge program and an Archeology badge to add to our Citizenship in the World badge and Environmental Studies badge. But we went to a Scout thing and it was funny how out of uniform we were, even though we were all IN our uniforms. Since were were mostly all girls... in our TGP shirts... and none of us knew the oaths and stuff. It was funny though.

It will be... interesting.

Anyway, I am going to bed because it has been a VERY hard Friday emotionally and I hurt bad physically. So, yeah.

HIGH on a Mountain Top...

I have been hurting a lot lately and haven't been IN to work, but HAVE been working. Fairchild Challenge. *screams* HOWEVER, I have to admit I have spent even MORE hours campaigning against a bill in a state that I don't even live in. Because it involves Sugar Gliders, but also, it is just a BAD BILL. And I have friends in Missouri and I just... I have kind of become obsessed with not letting it pass. I have been flooding message boards and email with info. Writing letters to the editor of news papers in Missouri (where it is) and contacting pet stores and politicians around there. Anyway, yeah. Listen, House Bill 1847 basically bans ALL birds, most reptiles, and several small mammals like gliders, Degus, and maybe ones like rats and stuff for the whole state of Missouri. And if we get all Millennial and we end up having to move there I better damn well be able to bring my babies with me. Anywhoo... If this sounds at ALL like something important to you look at my other blog, Tails from the Ark, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE and DO something.

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On (Good) Friday I went to the temple! I haven't been in a REALLY long time. It was a very very good thing to do considering it is the week to remember the Resurrection of the Savior (not that we shouldn't remember ANYWAY, but you know what I mean!)! Rinny, the Righteous One was the one who instigated it, and Mom and I came with. However, I probably really shouldn't have. Even with a LOT of meds... and I mean a lot... INCLUDING the one that gave me a bad trip last time (but a much MUCH smaller dose) I was hurting a lot. Also I was scared I was going to be, like, stoned... in the Temple. I felt sick the whole time and it was hard to pay any attention and fell asleep, not just during, uhh, quiet times, but actually while DOING things. In fact, once I fell asleep while I was standing. A Leeeeetle scary.

So it probably wasn't wise to go right now. My mom thought so anyway. But it was good, too. So, sometimes good cancels out unwise. Hee hee! Anyway, I am kind of paying for it more now. There is something bad happening in my leg right now. I am pretty sure my thigh wants to kill me. STUPID LEG. But yay for the gospel!

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[removed by request of my mom... who read it... and was mentioned... and also thinks I may potentially hurt feelings of family members so, yeah. Sorry to Mom. And her sister and brother in law even though I have NO idea why they would ever stumble upon this entry or even this blog. * And private mom stuff has been eliminated. I really AM sorry]

So, I need to be more righteous! (Because I need a buncha blessings and need to be worthy of them and all I got right now is VERY occasional temple attendance and, hey! I updated my spiritual blog!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Easter was good-ish. Rinny came over (to the Padre's. Because that's where I am right now. *SIGH*) and I brought over Bratanik, too. We decorated HIS shell (just with stickers for pics for BoyKid. Don't call PETA! Hee hee!) as well as eggs. It was fun. We were VEEEERY creative. We had dinner. We read The Living Christ together. Dad gave Rinny a blessing of safety in preparation for her upcoming business trip to Seattle. Then Dad gave us a random moralistic Lecture involving enduring till the end, toddlers, and stuffed bunnies that sort of just ended with me being really pissed off, which is NOT how I want to feel after hearing a priesthood blessing but, well, that's Dad.

It's a good thing I like dying eggs a lot!




*You are not really a doormat and slime. (it was an analogy ;O) )

Family Ward: WARNING MAY CAUSE IDENTITY CRISIS

Family wards are weird.

Yes, I am going to church with my parents right now. Which is kind of awkward. Not that I was all THAT close to my Young Single Adult's Ward. But at least I was in the right AGE group. This just confused me I am sitting there next to my mom and dad and I saw this girl who was nice and smiled at me and she was sitting by her mom too and so I suddenly thought "maybe she'll be my friend."

Why did I think this? Because in my IdiotBrain we were both KIDS, you know, because we were sitting with moms. The difference? Oh, I don't know the fact that she actually IS a kid, and I am technically an adult? Yes. I seriously thought I was the same relative age as a 12 or 14 year old. Because, like a nerd I just thought "Hey she's with a mom, I'm with a mom, maybe she is my age." Realize that this stupidity only lasted for a moment, but it really happened and caused me to feel VERY dumb and look around at the congregation and decide that I pretty much see strangers in that way. Adults: Married people. Kids: Non-married people like me. And, apparently freaking teenagers if my brain turns off momentarily. Kiddlets: Elementary school kids I guess. The funny ones. Babies: The crying ones. Only cute from a distance. (unless they are the furry variety)

I have plenty of friends who are married... MOST in fact. And they don't make me feel like a stupid little kid. But strangers do, somehow. Like I just don't fit into the grown up world without either a hubby on my arm or barring that a high-flying career and feminist attitude.

I don't know. Blah.

But yeah, the ward... FUNNY! There is a baby blessing almost every week. And the child blessed's NAME? ANIME. The Grandpa giving the blessing tried to say it slow and spaced, like, Anna May, so the congregation would not know the mother (a young, unmarried girl my mom visit teaches) was such a nerd, but I SAW how she spelled it. The baby's name is Anime. HA HA!

Anyway, that was my Sunday.

Entomologists and Lepidopterists will get why the photo is Autobiographical

It is the last session of this year's General Conference and I admit, I feel a little sad. I know it is supposed to energize you for the next. Give you a time to re-evaluate and change. But with how I feel right now, I just feel sad. I feel like saying, "don't stop talking yet... I need more. It didn't work yet. I still feel bad."

I know, logically, the answer to that is "so DON'T stop...
read the Ensign
APPLY what was learned
(and go to some doctors for the physical stuff)
take what was said and use it..."
etc.

But still, I just feel this panicky ENDING feeling, like a spoiled kid looking for one more Christmas gift that maybe got missed behind the tree.


Highlights...

Elder Holland's talk on the Trinity. Wow. And there is a good summary of it here.

Elder Wirthlin, refusing to let pain and struggling keep him from getting his message out and Elder Nelson bracing him. It made me want to cry, mostly... but what love these men have for the gospel they teach. Who could claim they did not believe what they taught with all their hearts? But I just... I don't think E. Wirthlin will be with us long.

"Tell me a little about your church..."

Elder Eyring's WHOLE TALK. But especially, I admit, the parts about struggling with pain and illness. And how the Holy Ghost would comfort us in that stuff, too.

"The answer may be, 'not now. Be patient and wait.'" - Elder Robert D. Hales, on personal revelation.

Just seeing President Judd speak! I liked the story about horses, but mostly, he is a family friend of ours (Jessie's Dad! And he moved into our old house, etc. ) and, I just felt like, YAY! Plus, telling my Megs he was speaking MAY have got her to listen to one talk and since she hasn't done that in few years... yay! I miss Megs. I want her to be happy. And, I know it doesn't fix everything (BOY DO I KNOW THAT), I KNOW she was happier when she was in the church, you know?

"good, better, best"

"There are no proxies for knowing for yourself" - Elder Douglas Callister

And, of course, I *heart* President Hinckley.

So, yeah, Conference was good. It is 5 now, and afterward, we had dinner as a fam, that was nice.

I will admit, I didn't love all of Conference. I felt a little like Sister Beck was saying "you better have kids. And if you can't have kids you better damn well be depressed about it or else you are evil." I doubt that is REALLY her message, but... yeah. So that wasn't my favorite. And some I just was bored and didn't pay attention, so hopefully I will get more out of them when I read the transcripts, highlighters in hand. And there is still this... ending. And even though I WILL read it, and try to put stuff into practice, (and also, I am pretty sure that after I get through a few more endocrine tests, some diabetes crap, and fix this foot thing, I will be looking for a shrink), I just feel a little post-Conference Let-down, I guess.

I need MORE Direction, people.

MORE.


nataliedee.com

He moved his arms and legs and I was Braver

This keeps making me giggle.

(a little background, in case you didn't know Kevin Everett is a football player who was temporarily paralyzed after a violent collision during a game a few weeks ago. This piece was about how he is slowly recovering.)

Awesome.

Anyway, at present I am trying to type with only my right hand because McKenzie is INSISTING I use the left to scratch her head. Technically, I am taking my hands safety into my, umm, hands, because you should really not HALF pay attention to an animal who can bite through a finger bone if she got jealous of the typing hand. But we... USUALLY... have a pretty good relationship. Buddy is the one who gave me the scar I have on my thumb. McKenzie is a pretty good girl. Now she is almost falling asleep on my knee. Awww. Okay, I am not a BIRD person, still... but that's pretty darn cute.

What a sweet little girl. She may not be a sugar glider... after all... I still don't TRUST a bird like I trust my babies. They might just turn on you. Granted, suggies might too... but not like birds. But for birds, McKenzie is definitely one of my favorites. And she looks deceivingly angelic right now. I should give her a treat. hee hee!

In case you couldn't guess, I am birdie-sitting. The Roomie left for the weekend. She actually TOOK our newest feather baby with her, the baby parakeet, Critter! He is a cutie, but tiny. I have been calling him a PARA-GLIDER... because we got this idea and have been carrying the little thing around in a sugar glider pouch! HA! And of course, she took the girls. (That's Trinket and Shasta)

So, as usually, I am tending the green things and the birds (minus Critter).

ANYWAY, today I feel a little brave.

This may seem silly but I am NOT good with authority figures. It doesn't really matter if they are nice or not. I do not, voluntarily, talk with doctors, policemen, OR Bishops. It is really hard for me. I get so sick of all these stupid doctors. Anyway, today I went to my Bishop of my new ward with out being asked to. I walked into his office and almost immediately started to bawl. I cried and told him how frustrated I was that I got this shot for my head, but then got the thing with my foot. How it seemed the harder I was trying to do what was right, the harder it was to actually DO so, physically. I told him how few Sundays I could make all 3 meetings. How today I had almost done it... 2 and a half. And how I wanted to be happy about that 2 1/2 but that I had had my procedure this week and just wanted to feel NORMAL now.

I told him that in this ward, where, really, we had a very large number of "special" members with various challenges I also didn't really feel I had any RIGHT to complain. There are people struggling much more than me with major disabilities and yet there THEY are, at church all the time. I KNOW the things he said, about just doing my best and the Lord understanding, I know them but feeling them are different. I did feel better after talking to him (partially just because I let him KNOW I wasn't just skipping church for fun, though I think he knew anyway).

And THAT, people, is progress. I talked to my Bishop without being asked to first. And he made me feel a little better. Yay!

I still feel lost. And damaged. But it's a START.


.

I love my job I love my job *muttering to herself while rocking in a fetal position*

I love my job... right? I do, I know I have said so before. I am trying very VERY hard to remember that RIGHT NOW to keep from HATING it.

TLC tours... OH MY HELL. Death. 7th graders... teaching them to extract DNA... make fossil casts... do decorative cookie frosting... be insufferable pains.

Today has been really hard anyway. I mean besides work it is like everyone has to mention it is 9-11 every 4 minutes. I KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS. I don't want to watch "footage" set to patriotic music. I want to pretend my cousin Brady didn't die. But I can't because everyone keeps reminding me what happened 6 years ago. So trying not to think about the date, you know? But it is all over the news. So, umm, HERE!

Hee hee hee!

Funny stuff is... good.

Yeah.

SIGH.

The world is just... sad. I am sorry for the friends and family of the Miners (like Tiff and Big Cade and their peeps) . I am sorry for the friends and family of Camille Cleverly... although I guess closure is better than NON-closure. But still. My mom has been so worried... she kept saying "what if it were Rinny or You?!"

But yeah.

But I am glad that little boy was found quickly.

Also, this is the anniversary of another tragic day, which prompted a very random email to me from an Anti-Mormon stranger demanding that I, as a Mormon, "officially apologize for September dawn!" Yes, not for the Mountain Meadow Massacre... he actually called it September Dawn. Now, even though I should just ignore it, I admit, it took all my power not to respond "Oh, and I DO! I mean, I wasn't involved in making the movie at all, but I for one AM sorry it was made. I hear it REALLY sucked!"

However, I was nice and as I had just read about this (It actually HAS been apologized for before, btw, but yeah, Since it is so "public" right now, fine. Good.), I sent him the link to the official apology at LDS.org. Which says this:

11 September 2007 Elder Henry B. Eyring’s remarks at the Mountain Meadows Massacre Sesquicentennial on 11 September 2007, in Washington County, Utah.

Dear Friends—

I speak today, by assignment, on behalf of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In so doing, I express their appreciation for the invitation to participate on this program.

It is important and appropriate that we meet together on the occasion of the 150th anniversary of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. We gather as relatives of the massacre victims and perpetrators and as unrelated but interested and sympathetic parties. We gather to remember and to honor those whose lives were taken prematurely and wrongly in this once lush and pastoral valley.

We believe it is our obligation to understand and learn from the past. For this reason, the Church responded favorably several years ago to the request of three experienced and able historians, Ronald W. Walker, Richard E. Turley, Jr., and Glen M. Leonard, to cooperate with their researching of a book about the awful event that occurred here a century and a half ago. The book they are writing is nearly complete and will be published in coming months by Oxford University Press under the title Massacre at Mountain Meadows.

Although they are Church employees, the authors have retained full editorial control and have drawn their own conclusions from the exhaustive body of historical material they assembled. They have been given full access to all relevant materials held by the Church. Two of the significant conclusions they have reached are (1) that the message conveying the will and intent of Brigham Young not to interfere with the immigrants arrived too late, and (2) that the responsibility for the massacre lies with local leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the regions near Mountain Meadows who also held civic and military positions and with members of the Church acting under their direction.

Although no event in history can fully be known, the work of these three authors has enabled us to know more than we ever have known about this unspeakable episode. The truth, as we have come to know it, saddens us deeply. The gospel of Jesus Christ that we espouse, abhors the cold-blooded killing of men, women, and children. Indeed, it advocates peace and forgiveness. What was done here long ago by members of our Church represents a terrible and inexcusable departure from Christian teaching and conduct. We cannot change what happened, but we can remember and honor those who were killed here.

We express profound regret for the massacre carried out in this valley 150 years ago today and for the undue and untold suffering experienced by the victims then and by their relatives to the present time.

A separate expression of regret is owed to the Paiute people who have unjustly borne for too long the principal blame for what occurred during the massacre. Although the extent of their involvement is disputed, it is believed they would not have participated without the direction and stimulus provided by local Church leaders and members.

We know, too, that many of those who carried out the massacre were haunted all their lives by what they did and saw on that unforgettable day. They and their relatives have also suffered under a heavy burden of guilt. No doubt Divine Justice will impose appropriate punishment upon those responsible for the massacre. Nevertheless, our continued prayer for their relatives is that knowledge of a God who is both just and merciful will bring a measure of peace to their souls.

In 1999, President Gordon B. Hinckley returned and joined with many of you in dedicating the monument that stands near our place of assembly today. The Church has worked with descendant groups since then to maintain the monument and surrounding property and continues to improve and preserve these premises and to make them attractive and accessible to all who visit. We are committed to do so in the future.

Having reflected and commented on both the past and future of this hallowed meadow, we conclude by expressing our love and desire for reconciliation to all who have in any way been affected by what occurred at Mountain Meadows 150 years ago today. May the God of Heaven, whose sons and daughters we all are, bless us to honor those who died here by extending to one another the pure love and spirit of forgiveness which His Only Begotten Son personified, is our prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.