Remedial Citizenship?

The 4th of July here in America. Okay, fine, so it's 4th of July everywhere... except, ya know, for time zones. Independence Day. There. Hee hee!

This week we have all been deep in the week long Robotics camp which SOUNDS fun but is in fact... okay, a little fun, but mostly hellishly frustrating. Plus, THIS camp and location is not goat friendly and I know it sounds pathetic, I MISSED my Josie Girl!!! Seriously! My mom tended her and when I came home she would trot up all cute bleating all happy and I scooped her up. I love that little kid. So just being done with THAT is very good. And today I played with her all day... including being semi-invited to a family picnic.

Okay, so the FAM was invited to a thing with the Aunty O crew, but we were gonna be there over 2 different bottle times. So I told Mom I would just stay home... but she called and asked if it would be okay if Josie came and they said "Uhh... that should be fine..." Not exactly an enthusiastic invitation for my baby (understandably so... really, I know. I mean, "hi, can we bring a goat to your party?" But she is my baby right now...) BUT they were super nice... and I am pretty sure her cuteness... especially letting the kiddlet cousins feed her bottles (all the parents took pictures), and seeing her run with the kids alongside the Slip-n-Slide and playing with them all (it's fun for her to be with little folks closer to her own size. hee hee) ... won EVERYONE over!

She is pretty dang adorable after all.

Then some of the cousins and kiddlets left because they were off to Stadium of Fire to see the Fireworks and the little girls were in a frenzy over getting to see miss Hannah Montana herself. (I would like to see Blue Man Group, but the last time I actually went to Stadium of Fire it was All 4 One. hee hee! Yeah, it's been awhile.)

Anyway, we had a pretty good time and everyone is getting so old! I remember when Brett and Annie lived with us in our house in Provo when they first got married... now they have, like, 5 kids. Very cute ones, too. And Alisha, who actually lived in GRANDMA'S basement (even though they are the other side of the fam) when she was, like, 2 was there with her fiancé! I can't BELIEVE they are old enough. ('specially they both look, like, 14.) It was weird to realize how big the little ones are getting. Wacky.

Then we went home to watch the Padres' "Neighborhood of Fire"... or rather we WENT and then Josie and I took off because I was done with family and my head hurt and I was not feeling all that cool right then. And Josie should be in bed. So here I am, HEARING fireworks, blogging, and feeling my little goat asleep on my foot.

OH, and in honor of our countries birthday, it's a dang good thing I was BORN here. Because for kicks and giggles I took a citizenship quiz.

"You answered 45% of questions correctly. Here's your rating:

45-60%: Not too bad, but you really need to break out the civics books again -- word is, the INS is looking for an 80 percent score."

Happy Birthday, America. Sorry for sucking! hee hee hee!

Don't break, don't break my heart, and I won't break your heart-shaped glasses...

So, yeah. My Depression is not doing so great. It is making being normal enough for a relationship really difficult right now. And the thing is, Fresno is a really REALLY good guy. And extremely understanding, at least comparatively so. And I have explained to him about having Depression. And about my meds and such. However, he still just doesn't QUITE get it. And tends to blame himself. Like if I was more attracted to him, I wouldn't be scared of a relationship. Or if he was a better boyfriend I would just be happier in general. Or (the most ridiculous, considering) if he was more RIGHTEOUS than his prayers for me would be working.

Blaming MYSELF for my issues is bad enough. But HIM blaming HIMSELF for my issues? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I do NOT want my screwed-up-ed-ness to hurt him! This is part of the reason I have been so SCARED to even admit I love him because I don't want to mess up his life!

I want to BE A HAPPY PERSON.

But more than that, I want Fresno to be happy. If at all possible I want us to be happy at the same time... together...

but if not, just don't let me ruin him.

I really REALLY need to get therapy again.
I WILL call Dr. Apparently. But I am also trying to work around OTHER, more physical doctors, including an MRI… next week? And working. SO MUCH WORKING. Monday I worked 12 hours. Tuesday I worked 9. Today I have off. But I am feeling more than a little DEAD at present. My headache is coming back and the stress of day camps is NOT helping. Oh! But about today…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!!!

Can I just say that even though we have our problems, I DO love this country and am (usually) glad to live here!? However, I am not a fan of the national anthem. Sorry, Francis Scott Key or whoever. If I had my druthers, I would pick Proud to Be an American. I know, it seems a little country-ish for me, but honestly NO OTHER SONG makes me feel more love for this nation than that. In fact, when I see it done at the Bellagio dancing waters, it HAS made me almost CRY.

Way WAY better in person, just fyi. Awww… I need to take another Vegas trip. It’s been far too long. Too bad I now seem to be the ONLY one of my family who doesn’t hate Vegas. (and yes, I know it is Sin City. But STILL… Bellagio! Fountain! Art! And! Ummm… themed hotels that make me giggle!

Poor Bellagio… SO pretty in the middle of Babylon.) Not that my family are who I would want to drive with ANYWAY. DEATH TO FAMILY VACATIONS!
So, anyway, because it is the holiday today the Roomie and I had her hyper nieces over who were pretty bratty but also way cute. “LOOK! The dog is rattling her tail!”
“Hmm… Shasta is now a snake?”

They also thought Boo the GERBIL was a BEAVER. Hee hee hee hee!

Then I went to the Padres' and we all went to Red Lobster for the Endless Soup and Salad. (and cheese biscuits. Because really now, let’s be honest. Mom and I are TRYING to be better Diabetics, but you just CAN’T resist those things!!!)

I only ate one bowl of the “endless” soup, but I shouldn’t have eaten so many carbs. Because now I feel sick. Besides I ALREADY felt sick with the headache… and stress… and kind of wanting to curl in a ball and cry in a closet but I don’t have that closet anymore or I would.

Sad that I have half of my own HOUSE and I still pine a bit for a crawl space under the stairs to cry in. But such is life… and such is ME.

I am not a very big fan of me today.

I DID do some good today. I did some FlyLady-style 15 minute-ing in the basement. That was good. Just not… enough.

I am suddenly feeling really cut-off and isolated. See, the internet is down. And my phone died. And it can’t even receive calls while charging. So at present this “blogging” is actually being typed into a document to keep me from flying in a million directions over at the Padres while we wait for my dad to decide on the next part of the day’s “fun.”

I feel more like going home and being alone.

But at the same time, I know that’s not a super wise choice. So I am stuck here.

The window is just SAD now. Usually anytime we look out there is at least ONE deer, usually a few, in the backyard. Now I see none.

We may watch a video soon. If we don't I think I am going home anyway, depressed or not. I feel like crap.

And also, it FEELS like a weekend so it is rather annoying to know I have work (and lots of it) tomorrow. Back to day camp world. I really DO LOVE my work... but we are still just SO SHORT STAFFED!

OH! But we have a new guy, who has the potential of being REALLY good. He IS brilliant, rather cute (but just 18), and a herptology genius. However the reptile thing is... well, let's just say he is SO into them even *I* think it's weird. And if you KNOW me and my babies and the level at which I am OBSESSED with them, well, you know that is saying a lot. Still.. he is pretty fascinating.

Anyway, I am gonna go now.

Stumbling Blocks ~ Stepping Stones

What if I Stumble - D.c. Talk

[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is christians who acknowledge jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?

Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

(chorus)
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt Im feeling

(repeat chorus)

What if I stumble?
Everyones got to crawl when you know that
Youre up against a wall, its about to fall
Everyones got to crawl when you know that (2x)

I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change]

(repeat chorus 2x)

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my god

Is this one for the people, is this one for the lord?

Today, the Anniversary of 9-11, was not as bad as I thought it would be. Flags were flown and Mom and I talked about Brady on the way to the pool. But other than that I kept busy, avoided the TV in case there were specials, and went shoe shopping (BLEH!).

So that was my day of general avoidance of the subject. It's not anti-patriotic, you understand. It is a matter of self preservation and not curling up and crying with no help from my Celexa. I am proud of our country. I love America. I love those who serve it, whether as soldiers or civilians like Brady. But I just can't handle that much thinking today. Thank goodness it's over. I am ready to get on with this week about now.

Well, except for the whole, you know, rest of the week. Hee hee! I am NOT so ready for my classes. They are not going well, nor is the job search and I am in a fair amount of Debt. But I really WANT to succeed. So I will keep attempting my homework without breaking down into tears, and may even need to hire a tutor.

Right now, work-wise, I am just trying to find something to DO... but I am trying to really find something, like the sign language I am studying, to BE, if that makes any sense. I need a purpose. I don't feel like I have anything right now.

So... at least tonight... "I wanna be an ASL Interpreter when I grow up!"

Yeah. Other than that, well, there is trying to get my life under control with better health, Prayer and faith, FlyLady organization goals, and... I should be going to bed now. Blasted Insomnia.

Grrr...

The Brady Bunch makes me CRY!

I am trying not to think too much. Tomorrow is, obviously, September 11th. Actually, no, I guess technically TODAY is the 11th. Anyway, yeah. Trying really hard not to think much to keep from crying about Brady. My cousin Brady was such an awesome guy. I miss him. Liz (his wife) is on an LDS mission now, she has such awesome strength! I admire her, look up to her, and think her mission letters are hilarious. But I can hardly imagine dealing with today for her. It is hard enough just being me... his cousin and friend. But to be Brady's sweetheart? I just... wow.

I remember when it happened, my parents were on a Cruise in Alaska and I was tending my little brother. I remember thinking, "oh my gosh, the Pentagon?!" and freaking out. Then I finally talked to my mom when they came into port on the phone and she said not to worry, that Brady was fine, only a very small part of the Pentagon had been hit. Then Megs called later. She said he was missing. Our cousin Brady WAS in that part of the Pentagon, very likely. That was the beginning of it all.

I remember when we were little. Megs and Rinny and T-La and me followed him around being annoying and singing "The Brady Bunch" at the top of our lungs. I remember when he won a Yoda standy thing.. he was SUCH a Star Wars Geek!!! I remember when he married Liz and the invite freaked me out because she looks SO much like Camille (his sister) and we teased him for it. I remember when he wouldn't come home from his mission in the Canary Islands even when his LUNG COLLAPSED. And how cool it was that he got to be "a spy" like he wanted to.

The thing is, I know the country is remembering 9-11 tomorrow. And I applaud that, I do. But right now remembering is making me feel sick.

I don't want to remember right now.

I want to sleep...

maybe all through tomorrow.

Goodnight. "Happy" Patriot Day, America.

I miss you, Brady.
Oh, but hey, get this... you're famous... Wikipedia! (not that that's important. Just thought you'd like it.) Also, you would be so proud of Liz because she is, like, the medical person of the mission even though she is a regular proselyting one too! But you know that. Still, I am thoroughly entertained at the idea of embarrassed little elders having to talk to a Sister about, like, "Twisted Testicle." HA! NICE. Anyway, I miss you. The whole family does.