Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Normal Depression.

I don't know why I watch shows like this. House. Grey's Anatomy. Even Scrubs. I watch them and there are people that die, but mostly problems get solved. People go the hospital and doctors take hard problems and they solve them. People get better. They don't keep hurting. The answer isn't yeah, this is normal. Normal for Gastroparesis. Normal for Fibromyalgia. Normal for YOU. The answer isn't suck it up and just know you will keep hurting.

Hurting and hurting. Not dying. Not being cured by the star of the show.

So I try to distract myself with things like, well, that last entry. Cabbage Patch clothes, Critters 2 Go, etc. But sometimes I just... those things get hard to handle while hurting and feeling hopeless. And I get frudtrated and even all the things I want to do, wish I could do, and NEED to do... they fall by the wayside.

So pardon this rant, but I just got back from the hospital again. And I am watching Grey's Anatomy. And I am crying, not for the story on the TV, but selfishly just. for. ME.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

This is My Brain on Christmas. Any Questions?

Things on my mind (that I am paying more attention to than blogging) are as follows:
My 1st official "gig" as Critters 2 Go. Trying to pull together a Utah sugar glider (and other small exotics) club called Mountain West Pocket Critters Conference. Learning to sew Cabbage Patch Kid clothes... steampunk ones! My Endoscopy... toworrow at 5 am (Bleh!). My mom's eye surgery to TRY to correct some of what the stroke did to her (it was Monday. But they are doing more on it tomorrow morning. So we will both be in the hospital tomorrow morning.). Printing (and maybe selling) my own stick figure family window clings that INCLUDE sugar gliders! Learning to decorate cakes. Becoming a Big Sister (as in Big Brother/Big Sister. Not as in my mother is having a baby). Writing Christmas cards and wrapping gifts. Perry Mason.

Yeah, my brain is a bit busy.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

my brain... in the family way

no, not THAT. Heh heh. That'd be pretty tricky minus the sex. Makes me think of Glee, though, and how she was faking with that baby bump. (WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW?! HE KNOWS!!!)

I am just thinking about family right now. Part of this is because I am attempting to cobble together a more complete family tree for a project via Facebook's and's combined.

Part is because Megs texted me her hubby was very sick and I am worried about him. Megs is my bestfriend and cousin and Jake is easily among my favorite cousins-in-law. He is a great guy. I am praying for things to go well, but I hate any time anyone is in the hospital.

I know that feeling.

*I* am in the hospital enough. Tonight I am on heavy meds as I am hurting badly. I don't want ANYONE I love to feel like this. Not ever.

I want to know my cousins more... and my cousins' kids and all of the various relations. I want to KNOW my family better than I do. I feel THAT more keenly than any pull to know my ancestors. I mean, they are alive. They have lives and needs NOW. I want to have them as friends. Facebook helps. But I need to learn more. And actually freaking remember who is who.