Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Missin' Missi'n[aries]

I talked to Parker for over an hour! It made me very very happy! Then he hung up and I bawled for over an hour.

I miss having platonic (and, NON-platonic for that matter) guy friends SO MUCH it made my [locked]heart ache. And I so miss my baby brother.

OH AND!!! Parker's little sister just got called on a mission... TO OUR MISSION!!! So we are going to tell her a million places to go and people to see for us. We will make her, like, honorary Fringe. Oh I miss Parker. I miss Coats! I miss Lil' Jeppers.

I miss BoyKid.

He will be out a whole year, March 7th. Wow. Today is transfers... AND we got no letter... is he still in Parma? We don't know. Hope we hear soon.

I need to go to bed. I didn't sleep last night till, like, well 6 this (weds) morning. UGH. Peace.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

"but you don't know what love is, you just do as you’re told"

In some respects I suspect you’ve got a respectable side

When pushed and pulled and pressured you seldom run and hide

And its for someone else's benefit, not for what you want to do

Until i realize that you’ve realized I’m going to say these words to you

You don't know what love is, you do as you’re told

Just as a child of ten might act but you’re far too old

You’re not hopeless, or helpless, and I hate to sound cold

But you don't know what love is, you just do as you’re told

I can see your man can't help with rent any problems that might arise

But in his mind there can be no sin if you never criticize you just keep repeating those empty I love yous

Until you see you deserve I’m gonna lay right into you

Yeah you don't know what love is you just do as you’re told

Just as a child of ten might act but you’re far too old

You’re not hopeless, or helpless, and I hate to sound cold

But you don't know what love is, no you don't know what love is, no you don't know what love is.

You just do as you’re told

Yeah do as you’re told.

I drove to Dr. Apparently's myself and walked in without crutches. That's progress, at least PHYSICALLY. But the appointment was hard as usual and I was crying a lot. Talking about the past week and how I have felt so hopeless. Also, got diagnosed as ADD, but with high enough intelligence to cope with it and not have most teachers/doctors say so. I figured. Anyway, it's making it hard to do that whole focus on happy things thing. The self-hypnosis. My brain jumps around like grasshoppers. NOT that this is a surprise to anyone who has MET me. HA! Anyway, it was hard talking, especially when it turned to "your last serious relationship." Foxtrot. I don't want to talk about that.

Anyway, don't exactly know why but that White Stripes song came on right after my appointment and it hit home.

I dunno. It just DID.

They got rid of the deer carcass. There were at least 12 deer in the back of that truck. *shudder* Sad AND GROSS.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Deerly Departed

Today has been... highly emotional. I saw my neurologist and that was okay. She gave me more samples of Lyrica since going DOWN on the dosage made the side pain get worse so my new Internist, "Dr. Kovac" from ER, had me go up on it again and my insurance has yet to approve it. So that appointment wasn't too bad.

But on our way home we talked a lot, Mom and I, about what I thought of myself and what I feel I am becoming. Lots of crying. My eyes will not go back to normal and they remain all puffy and tired. I just want to be happy... I want to fix myself and become who I need to be. I need... purpose. And reason. I need... to matter. Right now, I don't to me.

So that was hard.

OH and remember when we had 2 deer die in our yard and they took forever to come get them? IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! One of our little fawns has died on our front lawn, which is sad. But it's been there for a few DAYS NOW and they keep saying they will get to picking it up but they are "very busy" and there is a rotting CORPSE in our yard, which is sick!!! GET IT OUT OF OUR YARD!!! Ew ew eeeew!!!

I don't know which of our little regulars we lost, but this has been a BAD winter for the deer. Not enough food. Too much snow. That's why so many think they need to practically live in the Padre's house eating my mom's tulip bulbs and apple trees instead of, well, doing deerish things in the MOUNTAINS. The poor deer.

Right now I am avoiding thinking. Watching my boyfriend, Perry Mason, while my babies are doing pretty good figuring out how to get treats out of their new foraging toy. Lilo's got it, Heber is still trying, Nani is ignoring it. Yogurt drops are a good motivator to learn and they are smart little critters. I love them a lot. Little smarties. Hee hee!

Come and Knock on My Door....

One of the most UNIQUE quizzes I have heard in a long time. Stolen from Stewie.

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

A real magical person IS pretty cool, but I kind of have a secret dead guy crush on Albert Einstein. Not to the level that I love Paul the apostle, but I love Einstein. He has way more depth than this theoretic magician.

2. Baleeted?

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

I am good with either. I LIKE turtles and have 2. I certainly plan on keeping THOSE alive for far more than 2 years, so I wouldn't worry about getting FINED. BUT I wouldn't mind earning $120 each month, just for keeping a skull on a shelf. I mean, it's just a skull. I don't have to pray to it or LIKE him or anything, right? Unless I get a stipend for the turtle, too, or unless it comes with a lot of free supplies to be used by my others as well, I will take the bone head.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

No, that's not fair because not everyone could have a gorilla on their team. BUT I would let him practice with the team if he wanted, and they want to. Because I like Gorillas. And sign language. hee hee!

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

I will totally swallow the pill... and then, eventually quit listening to music because I can't handle the monotony.

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

Sometimes, but not often. I remember my dreams on my own, I don't need to WATCH them.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

It would be really easy to say both monsters were found in the same story, seriously. It's practically the same story. THAT is what I would run. But with an emphasis on Nessie because I like her more than Big Foot.

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."

Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

I am mildly ashamed to admit this might ENCOURAGE me to marry this individual.

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).

Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?
Probably decrease it, or I just wouldn't care either way.

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to "Barracuda."

Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

C. None of the Above. (Yeah, I have neither)

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.

Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Granted, in my case there is equal chance this is a massive panic attack as that it is the Holy Ghost warning me of a true thing. But why take a chance for something dumb like a movie?

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

I would probably give him however much cash I actually had. So, like right now? I could only be like, $12 sexier. But I guess that's pretty good if you could even notice ONE dollar, right?

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

I will NOT be giving a speech and since 1. I hate speeches 2. I haven't slept with anyone. But if the catering service wants to give me a yummy meal, fine with me.

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

I think most cats would like Garfield, at least the funnier ones. It's mostly insulting to dogs. But mostly I think they'd be wondering what they hell humans were thinking when we started making up LOLCatz. hee hee hee hee!

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

Probably trying to psych myself into actually HAVING it. I really value intelligence... I might just live my life for 6 months to the fullest instead.

16. Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it's essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

Probably not. I assume if I am going to love it in the future, I will BECOME interested in it. I sure don't care right now.

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you've never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. "Be careful of that guy," you are told. "He is a man with a past." A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. "Be careful of that guy, too," he says. "He is a man with no past."

Which of these two people do you trust less?
My acquaintance. For not elaborating. Because really, what does THAT mean?!

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.

Which option do you select?
Someday I will go to Europe anyway, but seriously SHUTTLE TRIP?! Moon moon moon! When I get married I so want my honeymoon on the moon. My honey to moon on the moon. HA!

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don't kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can't tell them why.

Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

That I tripped on them. And because I am such a horrible klutz they WOULD believe that... wouldn't you?

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as "brutally honest and relentlessly fair." Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.

Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

The 2nd just because I would want to see how somebody ELSE played me and other people in my life. hee hee!

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned form having lived your life previously.

Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

As I have YET to do that I expect things would be the same unless OTHER things I change change things somehow that way... like, keeping in touch with my best friend in 1st grade somehow led me to, like, marrying me or something. I dunno. Who knows if things were different? I don't know.

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don't believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.

Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

The first. Even if nobody believed it, if it were TRUE it is more than a rumor... it is ADULTERY. Whole lot bigger problem than people thinking I steal staplers. GEEZ!

23. Consider this possibility:

a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.

b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.

c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.

d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.

e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about your life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.

How would you feel about this?


Sunday, February 24, 2008

Not feeling Fabulous... but at least I got Scrabulous

My ears are killing me, but I'm on an antibiotic for the finally improving chest stuff, so that's all I can do. Hopefully it helps that too because I am still miserable.

I can walk now, and do a few stairs at a time. Hopefully, soon, I can go home.

For now, I am still here. I am sad and bored and often lonely... but I am listening to books on tape (Currently The Indwelling (yes, I know...)) and playing Scrabulous of Facebook to keep occupied. I so love games like that. Word Pop. Boggle. Word Bump. Scrabble.

Good distractions. Perhaps not so good or so distracting as a a relationship, but it seems silly to even want a boy at this point with my health as it is. Now, as sucky as it is, needs to be a time for me. My personal "rehab." SIGH. A time to go to many doctors, try different prescriptions, exercise a lot, change unhealthy behaviors (which are many), become who I should be spiritually... time to heal or die trying.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008


Today was a hard day. I slept very little last night (or the night before or the night before) because I can't breathe very well. And the little I slept, well, I dreamt I was with Fresno in a dog sled race. Yeah it was weird and I woke up sad.

But at least there is always stuff like THIS to cheer me up. (Yes, this really WAS on NPR.)

Hee hee hee hee hee!

Still sick. But... yeah, no surprise there. I. Am. Jinxed.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

beautiful tidbit of the day

When you catch a cold and you are mostly in bed and/or in a chair 24 hours a day, yeah, it pretty much turns into pneumonia.

Seriously, could this month

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Yup... S.A.D.

Humorous Pictures
moar humorous pics

I really usually don't care about Valentine's day. I mean, as a KID a did. It meant decorating a mailbox to receive the boxed cartoon valentines from each kid in class, picking out what my favorites were for my favorite friends, even making homemade ones for my very best friends. And, hopefully, candy and a party to break up the school day. But after growing up a bit, well, it changed. Got more boring.

And I was USED to that. Then I had last year when I actually sorta CARED. You know, like that weekend Fresno came to Utah. And we played. And, yeah, kissed, too. So, I have to admit, even though I am USED to joking around and calling it Single's Awareness Day and not caring or expecting anything at all... after last year, well, it makes THIS year kind of a let down after all.

Besides, it was just sort of a hard day anyway, emotionally. I am applying for some insurance stuff and had to tell ANOTHER doctor all about my mental stuff and basically had to rehash EVERYTHING and answer questions about suicide and stuff and it was bad.

HOWEVER, Some fun stuff. Rinny and her roomies did their Heart Attacking thing to me again. The funny thing is she gave me a SEALED box of conversation hearts with 1 heart in it! The whole box just had one! HA!

And then for dinner Padre took "the girls" out. Me, Rinny, and Mom. When we got there he had balloons and gifts at the table. REEEEEAL classy gifts... a potted Geranium for Mom and dollar store red and white stuffed animals for Rinny and I. A dog for me and a bear for Rinn. It was funny. It WAS sweet? but well, it's Dad... so it was CHEAP. hee hee. Ah my family! I love them. What can I say?

Anyway, I am going to bed.

Monday, February 11, 2008

progress... well, a little...

I am far from 100% okay. However, I did put some weight on my dumb left foot (yay!) with out crying so that's a start and the doctor wants me to go to Physical therapy for it on Wednesday. (I have some nerve damage.) I also have THERAPY therapy with Dr. Apparently that day and, yeah, I've been having a hard time but my little furry therapists help, too. They truly are the BEST little gliders EVER, though they are not too impressed with this scary unfamiliar house! But they are handling things pretty well even though they are crabbing at every unknown sound and smell. Silly babies!

Random Tangent: Sometimes I forget other people read my blog. I mean, like, other than Steph... Stewie... maybe Ehu... a few people from LinkUp. But then, like, Dave from work says "I love what you said in your blog!" which tends to sort of floor me mentally for a minute O_o and making me review "What did I even SAY? Anything WEIRD? Because he's like, cool and a professional."or "rebecca" comments on that last post and I remember, "WHAT? Strangers don't just RANDOMLY read me but follow along? And say nice things?" WEIRD! Umm... Hi random readers. Uhh... hi, Rebecca?

More later...

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Friends and Fuzzies!

I went to the doctor again yesterday. Something in my ankle is... TORN.

So I am living in my parent's basement with a wheelchair... possibly for WEEKS. My mom and roomie are taking care of my gliders (and turtle and tortoise and crabbies and fish) for me and I sit here for hours doing NOTHING on the couch because I can't even get to the bathroom with out help. Not exactly good for my Depression. And I feel like crap and, I'll be honest, I wanted to die.

So, amazing move by my dad who I often hate and who on many occasion has said the gliders are not even allowed to VISIT their house because "they smell," and regularly tells me I should get rid of them, suddenly agrees with my mom to MOVE THEM TO THEIR HOUSE SO I CAN TAKE CARE OF THEM HERE!!!!!! Actually give me something to care about and DO and love and live for! I am so excited! I have missed them terribly!

AND while I was gone? MY RAFFLE PRIZES ARRIVED!!!! *hugs Megs so hard* They are amazing things and made me feel so loved, even though, you know, I WON them, I still felt loved! Embarassed I just started crying and HUGGING toys and pouches and stuff. It was ridiculous, I know. But, Oh it meant so much.

And soon... SOON... my parents will bring my gliders to me again! I feel like I am getting sugar babies all over again! I am all excited and anxious to see their sweet faces! I have missed them. My babies.


They are here!!! My dad went and brought them tonight and I have been holding my babies for hours now and they are SOOOOO tired of me! hee hee hee hee! But I am so happy they are with me now. My dad put their cage in the storage room (the only place he'll allow it) but it is warm in there and I can roll in there with my chair so it is okay. I just BARELY let them go IN there, though, just now, because I haven't let them OFF of me since they arrived.

AND I had mom check my mail... Stewie, THANK YOU!!!!! A tin postcard of Rosie the Riveter!

I love my friends!

I love my family!

I love my furrkids!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

A Survey to Pass the Time

Eight lasts

1. last cigarette? Haven't had my FIRST... don't plan to.
2. last beverage? Just water. Bleh.
3. last phone call? My Neurologist. Because apparently NOTHING is normal anymore?
4. last text message? From Steph saying she got hired by Pepper Nix. :O)
5. last CD played? The Scarlet Pimpernel audio book
6. last BUBBLE bath? I'm allergic to most, so it's been awhile, like years
7. last time you cried? 3 minutes ago?
8. last meal? Some pasta salad *I* made and brought with me and a breakfast burrito my mom made me.

SEVEN have you's:
1. have you ever dated someone twice? If you mean like DATED-as-in-boyfriend broke up then dated again, then NO. If you mean, ummm, like been on 2 dates with the same guy, then Yes! twice! I am SUCH a player! hee hee hee!
2. ???
3. have you ever kissed someone & regretted it? kinda, a little, maybe?
4. have you ever fallen in love? I think I did.
5. have you ever lost someone? as in died? Yes, my cousin Brady. As in broken heart? Yes, Fresno. As in misplaced them in the grocery store, no, not yet. ;O)
6. have you ever slept until 2pm? Yes. More often than I would care to admit.
7. have you ever been drunk and throw
n up? no, but the second half of that PLENTY of times.

SIX things you did in the past three days:
1. Sprained my ankle
2. Watched a lot of CSI, Law & Order and other killing shows
3. Went to my Psychologist
4. Cried
5. Cried some more
6. Took a lot of stupid medication

FIVE people you can tell pretty much anything to –
Mali, StephAnn, Gilch, Mom, Megan

list THREE favorite colors —
Purple, Red, Green

list FOUR things you want to do before you die -
1. Swim with Dolphins
2. Hold a baby Monkey
3. Get married in the Temple
4. Have Sex

This month have you…
Laughed until you cried? No. Just cried till I cried.
Went behind your parents back? In... a WAY.

1. Your last kiss? Wasn't good enough... app
2. Gay Marriage? I... waver. On principle, I am against it. However, there are people I LOVE who struggle with that temptation. So I really do know it isn't as easy as "principle."
3. Lowering the drinking age? I don't much CARE as I don't drink, though I DO think it is kind of off that you consider someone old enough to fight in a war or get married at 18 but not drink till 21.
4. Straight, Gay, or Bi? What do I think about... I... am? hee hee! I am straight. Yeah.
5. Who are the best huggers that you know? my cousins' little kids... Gabe and Caleb. THEY are the best!
6. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. I do believe in ATTRACTION at first sight. But real love takes work.
7. Is there something you want to tell someone? There are lots of things I want to tell lots of people.
8. What brand of shirt are you wearing? Interestingly enough, Eddie Bauer
9. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends? On my MySpace? Lemme look... NOPE.
10. What is your current annoyance? my health. Especially my stupid ankle and foot.
11. How many kids do you want to have? I don't know. Between 1 and 10?
12. Do you want to change your name? Sure! I often make up better ones.
13. Last time you saw your father? Half an hour ago... aka: TOO SOON.
14. What did you do for your last birthday? Is it horri
ble I have to CHECK? Oh yeah. Worked at the Farm, was all CRUSHY (bleh!) and got flowers from Fresno, and got Chinese food with the fam!
15. What time did you wake up today? 11 am
16. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching some random murder-y show with my foot in an ice pack, finishing that last blog post, starting this one.
17. Name something you CANNOT wait to do? play with my gliders again! I MISS MY BABIES SOMETHING TERRIBLE!
18. What is your favorite thing in your room? My Rosie the Riveter poster, probably, or my stuffed dog, Max or one of the other things that has memories.
20. Where is your best friend right now? Ummmm.... Brigham City? Or Sandy? Or Orem?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

"but I see things getting better! Why don't you?"

Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Well Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Well baby I've been here before
I know this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Well maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who'd out drew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah



I am pretty sure despite what the x-rays didn't show my ankle is not just sprained. Because if it was, I could put SOME weight on this left foot, and I wouldn't be sleeping at the Padre's house, and I wouldn't have screamed SHUT UP at my dad today and he and Mom would not have argued over what it means that I have Depression, AGAIN, and I wouldn't have bawled for half an hour in the bathroom, and I would be playing with my gliders before bed instead of missing them so bad I could scream.

I am not... coping so very well. Depression is hard. It's harder when you randomly find yourself unable to walk.

My mom told me she recently has felt things are going to get better. That she has "seen" me healthier, working, happy, and making new friends. I want to believe her. But *I* sure haven't "seen," "felt," etc. anything of the sort. But then, 1. I am not mentally well, and do NOT always see things as they are right now and 2. Moms. You know, they have that whole Mom-sense.

But still... yeah.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Oh, and p.s. my crutches just broke coming in the room

At the parents again.

No dripping ceilings this time.

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I slipped on the ice going out to the car for some Carefresh for the gerbil and may have broken my foot but hopefully just sprained it. Waiting on the X-Ray, but I can put NO weight on it at ALL so I am in the Padre's basement hobbling on crutches and an office chair cum wheelchair.

As my Mom said, "[Kipluck], if you didn't have bad luck, you'd have no luck at all."

Dad and I are fighting already.

I am hurting like hell.

And I am watching a lot of Law and Order, trying not to cry all the time.

funny pictures
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