Dr.Trelawny, Dr. Screwit, and the Politics of a Unicorn T-Shirt

Today's doctor adventures were at least a little DIFFERENT. I am still in pain... they still don't REALLY know why... but at least it wasn't the same doctors or ALL the same tests.

Did you know there is something I hate more than shots and needles? My horrible veins. I am really REALLY hard to get blood from. I warn every nurse and phlebotomist that I'm a "hard stick." When they ask me which arm I like I tell them I have no preference, but instead tell them what locations have worked most recently... my hand, my wrist, etc. There are different reactions... some are nice and try to be as helpful as possible, using very small needles, getting people in the office who are really good at it to come in, etc. Others poke in wherever, then fish under the skin, which is awful. Some get very angry and prideful, like I have insulted their skill by suggesting they might not get it... and THEN are even madder when they CAN'T like I am purposely hiding my blood from them.

Anyway, I woke up and went straight to one hospital lab for my white blood count. As usual it was difficult, but the nurse was a nice one... and GOOD. She didn't poke 'til she found it (no fishing!) got it on only one try! Yay! Then I went to meet with my new primary care doctor. That's right. No more Dr. Hasacrazywife. Not that he is the one I most want to be rid of (anyone know an endocrinologist in Utah county, preferably that takes Altius, BESIDES Dr. NYB?) but I needed a doctor and I didn't want to keep going to UrgentCare. But Dr. Hasacrazywife is now only working, like, 3 hours a day. I think he has a brain tumor? I think... he's DYING. I feel terrible since he's one of my only doctors who is NOT an idiot, but we were going to have to change at the end of this month to an Altius doc anyway... and I couldn't get an appointment about this stupid Appendicitis-ish mystery, so now I have a new general practitioner.

She is out in American Fork and reminds me a little of Professor Trelawny. Like all the others, she was similarly perplexed by my test results. At the end of her own examination she diagnosed it as POSSIBLY an early, very slow moving, appendicitis. She recommended exploratory surgery, ordered a bunch of tests (including, yes, a stool because...

hee hee hee!

Anyway, she also really wanted us to have the gastroenterologist check over her tests, see if he thought the same, add more, take any away, and basically see what HE thought about me just getting surgery regardless. Since I had HIS appointment right after his, the 2nd opinion seemed natural.

I had never met this doctor yet either and, truth be told, I was a little taken aback by the fact that we was pretty dang CUTE. Gastroenterology should NOT be a CUTE field of work. It's a little... disturbing. AND he was VERY nice. And liked my shirt a lot... but kept trying to find meaning in it.

"I LOVE your shirt. What does it MEAN?"
"Ummm... like, it's a unicorn... like Uni... Corn."
"I know, but what does it mean politically?"
"Nothing?"
"Really?"
"As far as I know."
"But... corn? Maybe like renewable energy? Biodegradable plastics? fuel?"
"Maybe it COULD... if you wanted, but I don't think it meant to."
"Oh... Still. I love it. Yellow is my color, though. I am very much a yellow guy."

Yeah. He is an ODD doctor. (and, yes, Threadless rocks my world.)


He also went on for FOREVER at one point in the exam with this story about if you were in the woods and there were bears after you and you would pee your pants... and I swear he mentioned peeing your pants, like, 3 times... and kept going on with a LOT of details about this bear attack. The message was stress can make the ulcer worse (umm... Duh?) but he was really INTO his story. Mom and I both admitted in the car we would have told him to shut up and GET to the POINT if we didn't both think he was cute. THAT was kinda funny.

When he wanted to change my meds and I mentioned that I WOULD change meds, but that it was quite expensive and the insurance had already denied it, he said "Oh, Screw it! I'll give you all the samples you need!" Yes, I LIKE this doctor. He also concurred with Dr. Trelawny's tests and so we were sent to the hospital to get those started... and he recommended checking into the ER in the pain got worse because he thought I would be needing a surgeon but, like the others keep saying, "your presentation is... 'abnormal.' I just don't know!"

The next tests were BAD. They were with the type of nurses who are angry that they can't get my blood. Angry and FISHING. She hurt a lot and achieved next to nothing, dumb CBCs again... seeing if my white cells are going up, oh shocker, THEY ARE and they still don't know what is going on, bet you ANYTHING.

I went home and cried and cried. I hit a really bad low. I wanted to die... but I didn't. Instead I gave Bratanik a bath, half listened to a movie, and fell asleep, bawling.

You should not take naps that late, I know. It was long... and when I woke up, The Roomie was asleep and the gliders were awake. It was about 10 pm. Today was Heber's birthday. Well, observed. It is the day I brought him home and we guessed he was about 5 then, so he is about 8 now. My little man. I love him so much. I planned to do something extra fun for him for dinner... like persimmons as they are his favorite, but instead he just got peas because I felt... drained. He likes peas too. And HE doesn't know it's his birthday anyway (but either do human babies, right?). I cuddled him and gave him yogurt treats, though. So I woke up in time to pay some attention to the babies, especially my boy, and then take pain meds and fall back into a bit of a stupor.... watch a Heroes... and cry some more...

but a little less.
Because at least I have gliders who need me.

I'm a cartoon. I'm a robot. I'm clearly watching too much television.

Last night I dreamed that Fresno was Batman. And *I* was Poison Ivy... the one from the CARTOON. And, what's more, we were married (I know, I should have been Catwoman, then. I didn't CHOOSE.) And Jeeves from Jeeves and Wooster was Alfred. (Clearly I watch PBS too much.) The only dumb thing about the dream was that was pretty much IT. We never actually DID anything, had any adventures... the dream was just that we WERE who we were and we were just standing around in the Bat Cave and we were cartoons, except Jeeves/Alfred who was a real person and who was serving drinks. Nothing really happened. It was a comparatively boring dream. But, still funny.

Anyway, this weekend was sucky beyond all reason (car wreck, headache x50, being searched at Wal-Mart because they thought I stole something (I didn't), and Boo Bonic, the gerbil, escaped today and so I had to chase her down. (I *did* catch her and she is grounded! Little brat.))

I did manage to get SOMETHING accomplished, at least. For one, I was birdie-sitting McKenzie the Parrot and she didn't ever decide to attack me. With her, that's progress. She is a good bird, just... moody and unpredictable. Sort of like me, in bird-form. Also, I had fun talking to Fresno on the phone. The bank did not take his offer for the house, but he did not counter because he said he didn't feel right about it. I think that was smart. I need to not worry about him so much... he is intelligent and mature. He is not going to do anything impulsive just because of me... things will work out for him because he will MAKE them work. I am just too used to surrounding myself with Lost Boys and me being Wendy. But Fresno knows what he is doing... so I need to learn to make my brain less bossy and stressy. Anyway, the other major accomplishment is I made an EXCELLENT Control Journal. FlyLady emphasizes "progress not perfection!" which is true and good! BUT I have been having a hard time because my Control Journal isn't how I want it! Ha! Yes, I know. Stupid. Anyway, CRISIS PASSED. I made a PERFECT Control Journal! Neener neener! Anyway, so that is what I did this weekend. (Sort of like when you're report is crap, but dang it you have the BEST folder to put in. Yeah, that's me. I was in an avoidance mode. Shaddup.) Actually, it is still not DONE, but I STARTED the perfect Control Journal. Control of my Life... HERE I COME!!!

Another dream I had last night was that all of my mail was being forwarded to the Padres'. I was so mad because my dad was throwing it all AWAY! He threw away my hilarious shirts and I was yelling at him. This morning I thought it was true and I was so ticked... but realized the shirts had not come yet.

Another dream I had was about my headache. I dreamed that it had been 10 years and they were still doing nerve block injections. I was crying and asking why I couldn't be normal. The doctor said it was because of the lesions on my brain [very possible] and also because I was a robot [because my dream couldn't be NORMAL.]. I was really mad and said that was crap because if I was a robot I couldn't cry, I would short out. He said "no, that's a common misconception. Most parts are actually silicon-based. Crying is perfectly normal." I was still so angry because 10 YEARS?! I don't want to still be dealing with this then.

I also don't want to find out I am a robot. Because really now, if I am a robot couldn't I get a less defective model NOW?! I have some serious issues with my tech support. Grrrr.

So there are shows I should not watch, at least not while fighting my depression. I think a "Without a Trace" about a little boy who eventually tries to kill himself... one of those I SHOULD NOT WATCH. Some things just feel... too... real. Though things are BETTER right now than they have been. Prayer... friends... narcotics... good things. This show... not good. Well, GOOD, like, yeah. Good show. BAD for me. Changing the channel. Granted if I was REALLY being good I would just turn the TV OFF and go to bed, but I still have a hard time GOING to bed knowing that it will be hours before I fall asleep. BOOOOOORING.

Aww SHIRT.

Aaaaaaand just like that, I'm weirded out again. I am not as okay with things today. Why couldn't Fresno come for no reason instead of THAT holiday? I am not, like ANTI-Valentine. Well, I hate PINK, but you know what I mean. But it makes Fresno coming all, like, scary. Couldn't he just come for a normal time? I REALLY like and maybe love Fresno. we have so much fun together, and he scares me the least of any boy I have ever met. I don't want to think about it being Valentine's Day. I've just never liked the idea of a teddy bear saying "I Love You" before you've said it yourself, if that makes sense. Plus, it's just a lot of Forced romance and romance scares me anyway so mandatory romance scares me... ummm... mandatorily..., Man.

In other news, I needed some serious retail therapy. And thus I totally BOUGHT these 2 shirts from Threadless. (By the way, totally click that link to shop through and help me earn these shirts. Because I WANTS THEM.) "Oh No. Shoulder Angels." HA!

Anyway, yeah. Scared of Love... but not of loving T-Shirt designs. What can I say?

Another artsy thing I saw today pretty much represents how I feel about the idea of having babies. (The rest of this Artist's stuff is both hilarious and horrific, you should check it out.) SCAAAARY! Yeah, random. I know.

My brain is ouchy tonight. I am having a little bit of a freak out. Basically the headache is really bad right now and I think I am having some sort of anxiety attack or something and so the combination is something like a brain explosion that I want to go away right now. Writing things out helps, but doesn't fix it. And it only helps the panic... not the head.

I am having a bad night. If you know me (and if you don't you probably don't read this that often!), you know that with Depression and Anxiety Disorder and all the rest of my Me-ness-es, well I could be totally fine tomorrow or totally worse. What can I say?

I still worry about the concept of allowing somebody like Fresno into THIS part of my life. He knows, but... yeah... I don't think he can really KNOW how truly screwed up I am and how miserable I can make him for a long time.

And I don't know whether to let him find out. Because he is so good to me. He doesn't deserve a crazy chick. Sorry for the venting... feeling a bit like Damaged Goods tonight.

Anyway, I'm going to find something to eat and take my night pills. Maybe tomorrow won't suck as bad. And maybe I will at least leave the stupid house and do my water aerobics like I planned. Instead today I have, lets see, worked on my room... cried... messed around on line... cried... watched TV... cried...

Grrrrr.