Crappy Mother's Day! (NOT a day for Crappy Mothers)

I have been watching "our" deer more lately and trying to find the ones I knew from before. After this particularly brutal winter, our herd is back down to around 8. And I got some pics of ALL of them in the backyard together! So many we knew from before died... died in our own yard, actually. But at least one of the ones with the very wounded back legs survived. NOT the one with the horrible leg, but the other gimpy mom with her baby, and she and her baby made it through the winter... both are very fluffy (and walk with a limp.) I have named the baby, who was born very late in the season, and thus looks rather young despite having gone through a winter already, Sydney, because she looks like a little Wallaby or Kangaroo out there! She is very bold and keeps sitting right on our porch, as does her mom, Kanga. Or she WAS anyway.

A few days after this photo shoot I noticed Sydney alone for a whole day, much to close to our house, and that isn't normal for her with out mama. And the same day I am afraid I saw a very fluffy doe killed on our street. I think she is orphaned.

Sydney is weaned and SHOULD do okay, physically... but you can see from the pictures she is still really dependent on her mother and I am worried for her. The only other female fawn yet is much older than her and practically looks like one of the adults, and then I think there is that ones twin that also survived who has little nubbies of antlers coming in and is humping everything he can reach. Yay for boys. :OP So She really is alone in her group, too. I hope she makes it.

They are not pets. They don't KNOW their names, nor do I touch them, or feed them... but I still worry for them and watch them. They are "our" deer because they claimed our yard. We don't invite them (though they sure LOVE to eat my mom's petunias and apples and tulip bulbs), but with out Cassie telling them to get out, this is their home, and until the Padre's move, I suspect it will stay that way. And I will NOT let anyone hurt them here. (Including Padre who calls them "our Walking Food Storage." But HE knows, too, he can't REALLY.)

Anyway, at least it's been pretty weather for a change. Except right now (bed time, Mother's day [Translation, not really Mother's Day anymore and I will not admit how late/early it really is but I should really get off this thing and go to bed because I am going to try very very hard to go to work tomorrow come hook or by crook or by hellish migraine.]) it sounds rather stormy out there. Hmmm... I guess we will see.

I will tell you about Mother's Day and how much it SUCKED later. Like as in the day time hours when I SHOULD be up instead of being up with the wind and sugar gliders... and probably, like, vampires or something. Or, well, OTHER insomniacs.

GOOD FREAKING NIGHT. Today was bad. Praying tomorrow is 4,000 times better. But I would settle with, like, 4 times better at this point. Yeah. SIGH. Night.

That Sunday I woke up with an especially vicious migraine. I felt so sick, and like my head might split in half. I crawled to the bathroom and decided that since I felt like I was an inches from tossing my cookies this might be a really good time to try out the new mysterious Spray-in-the-Nose migraine stuff, Migranal, from the new Neurologist, Dr. FTW. But MATL. That's what it's supposed to be extra good for is the ones with nausea because it never has to go in your stomach. Well, I don't know if it just did NOT work for me, like the side effects or something, or if it was just the psychological yuckiness of squirting something in my nose, but let's just say it did NOT work and for half an hour I was hugging porcelain. AND it didn't get rid of the migraine either. And yeah, BAD day. It was like that ALL day.

But THIS Sunday wasn't just any Sunday, it was MOTHER'S DAY! Which, for the families of Mormon Missionaries, is one of the 2 phone calls a year they get to make home. USUALLY. Except that the day before, BoyKid's mission President called us from Italy (thus scaring us to death and causing us each to hold our breath and cry because he could not say "everything is fine" fast enough) to say baby brother would NOT be able to call because he'd be on a train to help with some other missionary's companion. SOmething like that. He wouldn't give us details, it being a private issue of the OTHER elder. But, it's what he needs to do, I guess. He is District Leader, after all.

So, we haven't got to talk to him yet. I miss him SO MUCH! We get to talk to him NEXT week, hopefully. I just want to hear him say STUFF. Anything. The kid is funny. Smart. The greatest little bro EVAH!

Anyway, so, yeah, I have a NEW Neurologist which is a very good thing. If I ever really SAW the ACTUAL neurologist that would be one thing, but I never do. I see her PA who prescribes me the meds that have given me ulcers, made me hallucinate, and just not HELPED in general. I do NOT trust her one bit. So Dr. FTW, who DOES know meds, is a good thing. She has taken me OFF several pills (YAY!) and given me some different headache ones to try. That Migranal, Axert (which *has* really helped a couple times so far!), and some others. But she is also concerned about how my Sleep Test before told me I had "a little, very mild, Sleep Apnea." She said "it's like saying, 'I'm a little pregnant' you're either you are or you aren't."

She also wants to reevaluate my lesions in my brain and stuff. So *SIGH* back to the tests. BLEH. But, hey... maybe this time I will get more conclusive answers?

home again home again jiggedy jig!

I am back and not so out of it now so I thought I would blog a little. And watch The Office. And drink something that DOESN'T hurt my bruised throat OR ulcered stomach to eat. I haven't eaten anything because they told me yesterday:
"Do not eat or drink anything by mouth after midnight."
How ELSE would I eat it? By nose? By butt? HONESTLY.

Anyway, as usual they took forever FINDING a vein for my IV. I think they oughta just install a spigot in my arm or something that can be turned on and off at will. Like tapping a keg. Because NOBODY can get me the first try. The nice ones try once, then go get someone else to try. The mean ones have pride issues. They poke, then poke again, then fish around in my arm with the needle, then poke elsewhere and fish, and then get someone else to do the same thing. These ones weren't 2 bad. One poked, but just once... then got another lady who poked just twice, and then fished, but at least got it.

Because I am me I was there an hour longer than I should have been because anesthesia makes me too low on oxygen. I kept apnea-ing BUT yes! Hooray! They did NOT make me stay over night!

Any Similarities to Rainbow Brite is Purely Coincidental

Anybody want some Smarties? Because what is up with the Trick-or-Treaters?! Is it too cold? Are kid's bigger wusses this year? Or is it because we are the ONLY house with so much as a PUMPKIN out in our complex even though we are right by a park and a school?! SIGH. So sad. I have SO MUCH CANDY HERE! We had like 15 kids ALL NIGHT and I was so excited for ANY Halloweentivity. SIGH.

Today I went to the nuerologist and got 3 injections at the base of my skull that felt like FIRE. They did help ( though not get RID of) the headache... but only for awhile. So I was really feeling in the need for some Halloweeny fun even though I had to lay down most of tonight. So I hurried home after the doctor, dressed up, and awaited Trick-or-Treaters. SIGH. At least my house was cute... and *I* was a cute-ish witch. Okay, not THAT cute. I still am shaped like me. And Okay, so someone thought I was trying to be Rainbow Brite in a witch hat. That was not intentional. But it may have been subliminal, I mean, being a child of the 80's and all.

I just wasn't thinking when I decided to randomly put on make up! Only I didn't really HAVE anything but some black eyeliner that I never wear and some lipstick that I never wear. And apparently the only thing my needled brain thought to do with that was sort of an ugly shooting star. In black. And red. Like a Goth Rainbow Brite. SIGH. But in the picture I am trying to show the OTHER side!

Anyway, that was Halloween. OH and I forgot to show you, my PUMPKIN! So here THAT is, Anyway, it has been a pretty long day with the injections and very very LONGNESS of the appointment and the fact that now that the temporary nerve blocker has worn off I am just as bad or worse and I feel like crap and missed going to either of 2 awesome parties I was invited to because of feeling like crap. Fresno was maybe going to be online after playing in Disneyland tonight and we were going to try to chat, but it doesn't look like he was able to weasel away the computer from his roomies. Bummer. And so yeah. I am here. And eating soup. And sad. But I could be much be worse...

So that should be counted as a victory! And things will inch along getting better... tomorrow I will be back at physical therapy again... and taking regular pills... SIGH. Eventually maybe my dumb head will be normal.

SIGH.

I got a whole lot of Smarties left over if any one wants some. Can I go home? To, like, 15 years ago maybe?

OH, and for those of you know more of the medical stuff, I DO have better news. I also got other tests back. I have NO clots. The milky lesions on my brain are caused BY my headaches and diabetes NOT the other way around. Also, I DO have Sleep Apnea but it is Mild! That means for NOW I don't have to have a breathing machine! YAY! And it may improve as I lose weight! So that would be good.

Mun-dee

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Monday... sigh. Yeah. Monday. But I DID stuff! True, I still hurt a lot, nor did I drive... but I LEFT the house and that is a triumph of late. My mom drove my drugged up self to the pet store for a filter for the turtle and some fruit for the gliders and then to the pool again. It was really really a bad headache day. But it was good for my legs, and they needed help, too. After all, moving is good.

Actually, here is the GOOD part of my health... I am down to 216.2!!! For me that is a big loss. So I am proud of me. However, considering that a significant part of that is illness loss, that may not stick. But STILL... I gotta celebrate what I can... joys are few and far between right now, you know?

Wednesday afternoon is the appointment for all my Heart tests. I don't expect much from them. That night I sleep at the sleep clinic. Bleh. Wednesday is just going to be a syringe and electrode party extravaganza. BLARGH.

I found this quiz's questions HILARIOUS... considering my current issues... hee hee hee hee...

You Are 68% Hypochondriac

You are a pretty serious hypochondriac, and you probably don't know it. A lot of those aches and pains you are feeling are all in your head!

Are You a Hypochondriac?

"But that's Bigamy!" "No, that's Big o' ME!"

Well, Yesterday was very VERY Friday the 13th-ish I must say. I fell asleep crying and didn't write so I will recap now.

First of all, I had another visit with my neurologist because some test results were in and my headache was off the charts.

So, I have sleep apnea (kel surprise *rolling eyes*) and will be going in for the dreaded overnight in the center test on Wednesday. But it IS likely a major contributer to my headaches and insomnia because I don't breath and therefore don't sleep.

I also have 3 small milky lesions on my brain. They are "probably nothing, but we'd like to investigate further." (doctor speak for 'Be careful, this chick has panic attacks and will freak out') (p.s. If I could I would post my MRI (I didn't... those ones I used to illustrate in a past post were just a random GoogleImage, you know?) but I don't HAVE it, the doctors do.)

Hey, Dr. Euphemism! Lesions are not nothing. Nothing in my brain is nothing. My brain is important to me. Pretty much my favorite part. The rest of me can't play Scrabble or read Elizabeth Bishop. Don't feed me crap and tell me it's chocolate. I can taste the difference.

So... yeah. Tests, tests, and more TESTS. Sigh.

I am feeling so... just ILL right now... and it has little to do with the thought of eating crap. Just the thought of my medical reality... and the actuality of my regular "breakfast" of 8 pills swimming around in my stomach.

The thing of it is not only was Friday the 13th hard on my brain, but it sure did a number on my heart.

The saga of the TexasBoy just got more... complicated.... Timing-wise.

Back story: Right after Katrina, there was Rita that pummeled my mission... and the location of TexasBoy and so I was just freaking out here in Utah (during Meg and Jake's wedding actually) with each sporadic text of update to here about his safety and I get a text that he had been evacuated and that, I think was the last I heard before nothing. So there was a time before finding out he was SAFE (and on LinkUp) that I wasn't feeling hurt... I was terrified that he had died or something.

But it turns out it was THEN, during Rita, he had been falling in love with the girl he eventually married. I feel like I was cheated on... what I wasn't. We weren't exclusive. We weren't even living in the same state. We were best friends. He could have told me. He should have told me. I would have cried... but he would never have known that. I would have told him how happy I was for him. I would have sent them a gift, a good one.

I think I loved him.

I would have pretended to be happy for him... I feel almost like I still have to... like I have to be happy because he is happy and proud of him for finding someone for eternity but all the while feeling so sad, sick, angry, hurt, ripped open, and torn to bits. My heart is motion sick.

And now it is today. I'm a little annoyed at my ward and need to talk to my Bishop but that needs to come, well, LATER.

Spencer came over with a video tape of The Office and we laughed really really hard "...and another guy came and kicked my soul in the groin..." and that rocked. I LOVE my baby bro... and The Office. *snort* hee hee!

And then I decided to face my "demon" of the day...

The fun.y thing about the whole "writing a letter" for closure idea is that I did it. I wrote one some time back. I wrote a big "you should have said good bye, you big ass." That should have done it. But it didn't. Will a "congratulations on you blushing bride... you still should have said good bye, you big ass." do it?

Hope so.

Because I just DID. *gulp*








And I don't need him in my head when I am talking about Reno and Pumpkin Pancakes with someone else. <:O) SIGH!

Not a Good Day(s)

Somebody asked me if I kept a medical journal. I didn't quite know what to say. I don't, really. Even when I had Girthy Girl on the Move as a SEPARATE blog, that was really focused on getting healthy by losing weight. But that is pretty much it. And even that has now been swallowed up here by Skittles Deferred (but I think I like it that way... I think.)

And yet everyday THAT is what my blogs are about.
Surgery
Hospitals
Scars
Diabetes
Scars
Blood Pressure
Scars
Headaches
Congestion
Depression
X-Rays
MRIs
Pills
Oxygen
Insomnia
ERs
Insurance
Anxiety
Phobias
Flu
Gall Bladder
Hives
Dizziness...

Forget having a medical journal...
I have a medical LIFE... and I just journal it.

I admit it's not the most fun to read, and for that I am sorry. I like to be readable. I LOVE to be funny. It's not exactly a PRIDE thing, it's just, I LIKE writing, and I want to be GOOD at it. You know? I know, I am silly. It's not the most fun to WRITE for that matter, stupid medical stuff, but really in my life, what is left?!

Okay, take today. Woke up. Went to the Nuerologist. Slept. Went to the therapy pool. Got really sick and about passed out in the the dressing room. Watched TV. Yeah... freaking INVALID.

I feel like any day the young women are going to be assigned to bring me cupcakes and sing or something. SIGH. BLAH.
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Oh! It just hit! SLEEP just hit! 4:24 am and Blog to finish or no I need to stop RIGHT NOW before the sleepiness wears off and I am exhausted yet awake once again, so, I say quite literally...

TTYL!!!
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It is now Thursday at 7:00 and our TV is too afraid of the lightning to work. Seriously it IS pretty dang scary. The thunder is loud and almost simultaneous to the lightning flashes! I LOVE storms. But it is ominous. And the doggies are having tizzy fits all over the house, barking their heads off!

So here is the update because, well, nothing NON-medical has happened in my life to warrant a separate post anyway.

Had a regular doctors appointment today. Not that the appoint was regular but that the doctor was just a GP. The appointment was a very depressing one. It was to get papers done up... papers explaining why I had to leave school. :O( SIGH.

Tomorrow Home Health comes and brings a tester machine thing to my house that I put on my finger while I sleep to see how I breathe... or, you know, IF I breathe. Because chances are, like they thought so back when I was kept in the hospital for it, I have Sleep Apnea. If this machine confirms it they bring me another worse machine and I have to sleep with this mask on my face every night like my mom does. She says you get used to it. I say it's impossible. I can't sleep ANYWAY. Put a mask on my face... yeah, RIGHT. I AM SO SCREWED.

And THAT is a SIDE problem. Nobody expects that to *solve* the headache or the dizziness.

So that is tomorrow. Saturday and Sunday I can only imagine I lay around like an idiot doping myself. We got my MRI and MRV moved to moved to Monday so long as we are willing to drive out to Heber, which we are. After that... well... I guess a lot of that depends on whether I have a blood clot in my brain or whatever else they are looking for with the scans that absolutely scare me to death.

I am even more scared now. While at the doctor he said more about the MRV process involving injecting contrast. I won't go into it, but judging by similar stuff in the hospital last time, well I am already feeling sick and shaky and don't think that little prescription of Valium they gave me for the procedure will do ANYTHING. Like fighting a crocodile with thumbtack.

I'm done with this. I want to go home.

My brain hurts. Thinking hurts.

I am afraid of hurting and and being afraid is painful.