Monday, January 22, 2007


Aaaaaaand just like that, I'm weirded out again. I am not as okay with things today. Why couldn't Fresno come for no reason instead of THAT holiday? I am not, like ANTI-Valentine. Well, I hate PINK, but you know what I mean. But it makes Fresno coming all, like, scary. Couldn't he just come for a normal time? I REALLY like and maybe love Fresno. we have so much fun together, and he scares me the least of any boy I have ever met. I don't want to think about it being Valentine's Day. I've just never liked the idea of a teddy bear saying "I Love You" before you've said it yourself, if that makes sense. Plus, it's just a lot of Forced romance and romance scares me anyway so mandatory romance scares me... ummm... mandatorily..., Man.

In other news, I needed some serious retail therapy. And thus I totally BOUGHT these 2 shirts from Threadless. (By the way, totally click that link to shop through and help me earn these shirts. Because I WANTS THEM.) "Oh No. Shoulder Angels." HA!

Anyway, yeah. Scared of Love... but not of loving T-Shirt designs. What can I say?

Another artsy thing I saw today pretty much represents how I feel about the idea of having babies. (The rest of this Artist's stuff is both hilarious and horrific, you should check it out.) SCAAAARY! Yeah, random. I know.

My brain is ouchy tonight. I am having a little bit of a freak out. Basically the headache is really bad right now and I think I am having some sort of anxiety attack or something and so the combination is something like a brain explosion that I want to go away right now. Writing things out helps, but doesn't fix it. And it only helps the panic... not the head.

I am having a bad night. If you know me (and if you don't you probably don't read this that often!), you know that with Depression and Anxiety Disorder and all the rest of my Me-ness-es, well I could be totally fine tomorrow or totally worse. What can I say?

I still worry about the concept of allowing somebody like Fresno into THIS part of my life. He knows, but... yeah... I don't think he can really KNOW how truly screwed up I am and how miserable I can make him for a long time.

And I don't know whether to let him find out. Because he is so good to me. He doesn't deserve a crazy chick. Sorry for the venting... feeling a bit like Damaged Goods tonight.

Anyway, I'm going to find something to eat and take my night pills. Maybe tomorrow won't suck as bad. And maybe I will at least leave the stupid house and do my water aerobics like I planned. Instead today I have, lets see, worked on my room... cried... messed around on line... cried... watched TV... cried...



  1. Okay, sweetie, I realize today was a BAD day (on my end, too), but honey Fresno is not going to run away just because you may or may not be a little bit crazy.

    And instead of focusing on Valentines Day and "romance," think of something you want to do for him or together while he's here that's not necessarily romantical. LIke ... sky diving.

  2. Ha! Skydiving!

    Yeah... what Stewie said... and also, don't make Fresno's choice for him... that's not your place. It'll be ok.

  3. can i say ditto to both of the previous comments? you sound so much like me when i met todd. it's not even funny. okay, it kinda is, because reading it from a different perspective makes me realize how overly analytical i was. you are wonderful. you haven't been able to scare fresno away... so stop trying.

  4. I often wonder how Jeremy can handle me, even the dark me that comes out sometimes. The Lord knows what he's doing girlie. Have faith, some men really are just that wonderful!

  5. I don't think I need to say anything except you've had advice practically thrown at you. And it's all been good. :)

  6. Well, you know me and I ALWAYS got something to say.

    GURL! It's "bad episode" epidemic week. Alot of my friends, including myself are in "FREAK OUT" mode. That's not a bad thing. I like to think of it as your mind and heart trying to coming to terms with each other. When they do, you'll settle down.

    I read something the other day that says true love comes when you stop worrying about peoples reactions to you and just... be.

    If Fresno can experience you at your worst and still the best in you, then you really can't ask for more than that.

    When you start to over analyze things, you will sometimes create the chaos you're trying to avoid. Girl, just be yourself and have a great time with the boy. Let things flow.

  7. Add a little romance by sending this personalized "I Love You" teddy bear greeting with his/her first name. You don't need an occasion . . . Just choose the teddy bears color and treat (lollipop or toy pinwheel