All Stressed Up and No Place to Go

Today. was. DUMB.

It was cold.
I worked out at the pool. Yay...
but my muscles hurt SO BAD.
I watched Gilmore Girls with Mom. Yay!
But sitting that long on the Padres' chairs kicked my headache into overdrive. BIG TIME.

I do have physical therapy tomorrow, luckily. But even that... it is always so temporary. Not even temporarily perfect... Temporarily slight improvement.

Can I just... kick something? Or scream? Or punch something? I feel so frustrated right now with my health and the fact that NOTHING is helping and I have been working out and taking meds and waking up earlier (in the hopes that I will then fall asleep earlier) and I just feel so hopeless.

I have been coughing and breathing weird, too, thanks to this weather/pollution thing. Whatever it's called... Inversion. It's crap. And it makes it harder to exercise as hard as I should, too. I did do 100 crunches, etc. But I just feel awful. And my muscles ache (not blaming THAT on inversion.). And it's cold. AND MY HEAD HURTS ALL THE TIME. When will my head not hurt? Not just an annoying ache, either... but a pain where I can't think anymore.

That's when I feel like I would do ANYTHING to stop it. Take any medicine, inject it anywhere. Do anything to stop pain. To just sleep and not think or feel. It's those bad spells when I know why people do drugs... why they commit suicide... just to STOP things.

My head has been that bad several times. On the bright side, if I am ever able to get pregnant, like with help from fertility meds or something, I may not think child birth is that hard by comparison. I mean, I hate pain... but I am thinking it can't be as bad as pain I've had already. I am not just saying this, either. Doctors have said so. Compared to some of my stuff, contractions should be cake. Neat. Plus, at the end you get a prize for it. Granted, it's just a little lumpy pink person, but better than the crystals from my gall bladder, the lesions in my brain, or various other un-fun souvenirs I keep accumulating for my pain.

Just so you know, I am not actually baby hungry (Though just using the WORDS Baby Hungry makes me need to watch the Nutrigrain Ad a few times before I go to bed tonight to watch the scary lady who says "YEAH! Babies EVERYWHERE!"). In fact, okay, this may sound bad, especially if you HAVE babies because you people (Thai, Granola, Buck (will), etc.) have some of the CUTEST babies I know, but I don't really like babies that much. Even my favorite babies (T-La's kiddlets) I like in DOSES. Like they are cute for a little while but then I want them to go away until they get old enough to talk and say funny things. I love toddlers. But babies are weird. Anyway, the reason it came up, the whole baby thing, was talking with my mom during commercials because Suki on Gilmore Girls is preggy. Yes. We are retarded.

Anyway. I am off to watch the Nutrigrain commercial and try to cheer up before cutting up some mango for the suggies and going to bed. SIGH.

I've been Tagged.

I'm it.
Here are the rules:

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the '7 weird things about you.' People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 7 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 7 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I love milk, but only skim milk. I can pretend I choose skim for weight loss purposes, but the truth is any other milk grosses me out. Whole feels like it's coating my tongue and throat and makes me gag. Unless it's chocolate. I still can't do WHOLE, but I can handle 1% or 2% if it is chocolate.

2. I brush my teeth with hot water. Brushing with cold does not actually seem as sanitary to me.

3. I have eaten ROADKILL. I do not know what animal. I didn't ask. I just prayed really really hard silently that my LDS mission companion and I would not get sick in front of the lady serving it to us and offend her. Our prayers were answered and we made it all the way to our apartment before both vomiting for about an hour.

4. I have eaten alligator. That was actually delicious. Go figure

5. I still don't think I actually know how to kiss. I know it sounds silly, but I really wish I was better at it because I really like Fresno and I figure he will want to kiss some more, and I just wish I wasn't so sucky at it. I know, he likes me anyway blah blah blah but I still am not feeling so spiffy about it. And I wish I were cuter. I am not having a great day, actually. Moving on to thing 6 before I cry.

6. I have a betta named Mikhail Gorbachev.

7. When I was 16 I traded the permission to take Driver's Ed and get my driver's license for permission to get a dog for my birthday. Driving a car was not even half as important as getting my dog Cassie. I got my license when I was 18. I loved that dog more than anything though, really. I miss her. She was hilarious. A total BRAT but very very smart and funny.

Okay, now for the tagging part. I tag:

CC
Cupcake
Mali
Stewbert
Bobbie
Bucksome
Stef
(However, if you don't do it I am PRETTY sure nothing horrible will happen to you. But if it does, I suggest you blame Krispy. That is all.)






Other than that, yeah. Hard day. Goom-bye, troops.

I'm a cartoon. I'm a robot. I'm clearly watching too much television.

Last night I dreamed that Fresno was Batman. And *I* was Poison Ivy... the one from the CARTOON. And, what's more, we were married (I know, I should have been Catwoman, then. I didn't CHOOSE.) And Jeeves from Jeeves and Wooster was Alfred. (Clearly I watch PBS too much.) The only dumb thing about the dream was that was pretty much IT. We never actually DID anything, had any adventures... the dream was just that we WERE who we were and we were just standing around in the Bat Cave and we were cartoons, except Jeeves/Alfred who was a real person and who was serving drinks. Nothing really happened. It was a comparatively boring dream. But, still funny.

Anyway, this weekend was sucky beyond all reason (car wreck, headache x50, being searched at Wal-Mart because they thought I stole something (I didn't), and Boo Bonic, the gerbil, escaped today and so I had to chase her down. (I *did* catch her and she is grounded! Little brat.))

I did manage to get SOMETHING accomplished, at least. For one, I was birdie-sitting McKenzie the Parrot and she didn't ever decide to attack me. With her, that's progress. She is a good bird, just... moody and unpredictable. Sort of like me, in bird-form. Also, I had fun talking to Fresno on the phone. The bank did not take his offer for the house, but he did not counter because he said he didn't feel right about it. I think that was smart. I need to not worry about him so much... he is intelligent and mature. He is not going to do anything impulsive just because of me... things will work out for him because he will MAKE them work. I am just too used to surrounding myself with Lost Boys and me being Wendy. But Fresno knows what he is doing... so I need to learn to make my brain less bossy and stressy. Anyway, the other major accomplishment is I made an EXCELLENT Control Journal. FlyLady emphasizes "progress not perfection!" which is true and good! BUT I have been having a hard time because my Control Journal isn't how I want it! Ha! Yes, I know. Stupid. Anyway, CRISIS PASSED. I made a PERFECT Control Journal! Neener neener! Anyway, so that is what I did this weekend. (Sort of like when you're report is crap, but dang it you have the BEST folder to put in. Yeah, that's me. I was in an avoidance mode. Shaddup.) Actually, it is still not DONE, but I STARTED the perfect Control Journal. Control of my Life... HERE I COME!!!

Another dream I had last night was that all of my mail was being forwarded to the Padres'. I was so mad because my dad was throwing it all AWAY! He threw away my hilarious shirts and I was yelling at him. This morning I thought it was true and I was so ticked... but realized the shirts had not come yet.

Another dream I had was about my headache. I dreamed that it had been 10 years and they were still doing nerve block injections. I was crying and asking why I couldn't be normal. The doctor said it was because of the lesions on my brain [very possible] and also because I was a robot [because my dream couldn't be NORMAL.]. I was really mad and said that was crap because if I was a robot I couldn't cry, I would short out. He said "no, that's a common misconception. Most parts are actually silicon-based. Crying is perfectly normal." I was still so angry because 10 YEARS?! I don't want to still be dealing with this then.

I also don't want to find out I am a robot. Because really now, if I am a robot couldn't I get a less defective model NOW?! I have some serious issues with my tech support. Grrrr.

So there are shows I should not watch, at least not while fighting my depression. I think a "Without a Trace" about a little boy who eventually tries to kill himself... one of those I SHOULD NOT WATCH. Some things just feel... too... real. Though things are BETTER right now than they have been. Prayer... friends... narcotics... good things. This show... not good. Well, GOOD, like, yeah. Good show. BAD for me. Changing the channel. Granted if I was REALLY being good I would just turn the TV OFF and go to bed, but I still have a hard time GOING to bed knowing that it will be hours before I fall asleep. BOOOOOORING.

Sometimes I love Phishermen

Kipluck 5:47 pm (0 minutes ago)
to davidpalmer707uk@yahoo.com.hk
date Jan 27, 2007 5:47 PM
subject Re: I Shall Await Your Response......(Confidential)



Dear David,

The fact that you are contacting me means 2 very cherished things to me. 1. that you are not really dead as we were lead to believe on 24 and 2. that you trust me with this weighty matter of money and privacy. Please know that splitting such a large sum with you is tempting. I am out of Carefresh and the cages need to be cleaned and that stuff doesn't come cheap. I have to buy it at Petco or Petsmart, not WalMart and even with the cards, well, it adds up. Maybe you think I should buy a generic brand, but it really helps with the smell, David. But let me be honest with you and please hear me out about an alternative plan.

You say you are not a criminal... that you are a family man. But what you are doing, David, well, it sounds rather "Nigerian." (And no, I am NOT being Racist, you KNOW what I mean... come on now). However, if you are right and the Deceased person has the same surname as me than at least somebody with his name should get his money. But so far you have not mentioned that last name... are you sure it is the same as mine? I ask because I tend to go only go by a first name... like Madonna... or Prince... so what was the last name of the deceased?

Anyway, about the alternative plan of mine. Your brother has been an OKAY president but he struggles with knowing the most important thing... Jack is ALWAYS right. When Jack tells him something he has people check it out first and then realizes Jack was right. You knew to act when Jack said so. David, I ask you to put away this plan of working semi-legal schemes on the staff of Smith & Williamson. I mean STAFF?! Really? A former president? Isn't that kind of a blow? Anyway, give it up and return to the presidency of the United States with Jack Bauer as your UNQUESTIONED adviser. Once you are in this position, I will GLADLY claim the money left by my dead "relative" and give you, not half, but 2/3 of the booty provided you send me the request on presidential letter head AND lean on the governor of California (be it the Governator or not at that time) to allow Sugar Gliders as a pet in the state making certain aspects of my life a WHOLE lot smoother. (or, conversely, write me a little presidential pardon saying MY suggies can live in ANY state!). You'll be even richer. My gliders get persimmons for dinner more often. Jack keeps us safe from terrorists and mushroom clouds. Doesn't that sound better? Yeah, me too.

Sincerely,

Kipluck

On 1/27/07, davidpalmeruk707@yahoo.com <> wrote:

Goodday,

I am David Palmer, staff of SMITH & WILLIAMSON Private Banking.I am
contacting you concerning a deceased customer and an investment he placed
under our banks management three years ago.I would respectfully request
that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the
integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail.

I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed
of this communication. I would like to intimate you with certain facts
that I believe would be of interest to you.In 2000, the subject matter;
came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our private
banking division. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of
Thirty million united states dollars,which he wished to have us turn over
(invest) on his behalf.I was the officer assigned to his case, I made
numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the de-facto chief
operations officer of the private banking sector, especially given the
volume of funds he wished to put into our bank. We met on numerous
occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged him to
consider various growth funds with prime ratings.The favored route in my
advise to customers is to start by assessing data on 6000 traditional
stocks and bond managers and 2000 managers of alternative investments.
Based on my advice, We spun the money around various opportunities and
made attractive margins for our first months of operation, the accrued
profit and interest stood at this point at over ten million United States
Dollars, this margin was not the full potential of the fund but he desired
low risk guaranteed returns on investments.

In mid 2001, he asked that the money be liquidated because he needed to
make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in here in the united
kingdom. He directed that I liquidate the funds and deposit it with a
security firm. I informed him that SMITH & WILLIAMSON would have to make
special arrangements to have this done and in order not to circumvent due
process, the bank would have to make a 9.5 % deduction from the funds to
cater for banking and statutory charges. He complained about the charges
but later came around when I explained to him the complexities of the task
he was asking of us. Cash movement across boarders has become especially
strict since the incidents of 9/11. I contacted my affiliate and made the
funds available to the security firm. I undertook all the processes and
made sure I followed his precise instructions to the letter and had the
funds deposited with the security firm. The Security Firm is a specialist
private firm that accepts deposits from high net worth individuals and
blue chip corporations that handle valuable products or undertake
transactions that need immediate access to cash. This small and highly
private organization is familiar especially to the highly placed and
well-connected organizations. In line with instructions, the money was
deposited with the security firm.

The deceased told me he wanted the money there in anticipation of his
arrival from Norway later that week. This was the last communication we
had, this transpired around 25th February 2003.In June last year, we got a
call from the security firm informing us that the inactivity of that
particular portfolio. This was an astounding position as far as I was
concerned, given the fact that I managed the private banking sector I was
the only one who knew about the deposit at the security firm, and I could
not understand why the deceased had not come forward to claim his
deposit. I made futile efforts to locate the deceased. I immediately
passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department
of SMITH & WILLIAMSON.Four days later, information started to trickle
in,apparently our client was dead. A person who suited his description was
declared dead of a heart attack in Canne, South of France. We were soon
enough able to identify the body and cause of death was confirmed. The
bank immediately launched an investigation into possible surviving next of
kin to alert about the situation and also to come forward to claim his
estate. If you are familiar with private banking affairs, those who
patronize our services usually prefer anonymity, but also some levels of
detachment from conventional processes. In his bio-data form, he listed no
next of kin. In the field of private banking, opening an account with us
means no one will know of its existence, accounts are rarely held under a
name;depositors use numbers and codes to make the accounts anonymous.This
bank also gives the choice to depositors of having their mail sent to them
or held at the bank itself, ensuring that there are no traces of the
account and as I said, rarely do they nominate next of kin. Private
banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most
cases leave wills in our care, in this case; the deceased died without a
testate. In line with our internal processes for account holders who have
passed away, we instituted our own investigations in good faith to
determine who should have right to claim the estate. This investigation
has for the past months been unfruitful.

We have scanned every continent and used our private investigation
affiliate companies to get to the root of the problem. It is this
investigation that resulted in my being furnished with your details as a
possible relative of the deceased. My official capacity dictates that I am
the only party to supervise the investigation and the only party to
receive the results of the investigation. What this means, you being the
last batch of names we have considered, is that our dear late fellow died
with no known or identifiable family member. This leaves me as the only
person with the full picture of what the prevailing situation is in
relation to the deposit and the late beneficiary of the deposit.According
to practice, The Security Firm will by the end of this financial year
broadcast a request for statements of claim to SMITH & WILLIAMSON,failing
to receive viable claims they will most probably revert the deposit back
to SMITH & WILLIAMSON.This will result in the money entering the SMITH &
WILLIAMSON accounting system and the portfolio will be out of my hands
and out of the private banking division. This will not happen if I have my
way.What I wish to relate to you will smack of unethical practice but I
want you to understand something. It is only an outsider to the banking
world who finds the internal politics of the banking world aberrational.
The world of private banking especially is fraught with huge rewards for
those who occupy certain offices and oversee certain portfolios. You
should have begun by now to put together the general direction of what I
propose.There is Thirty million dollars deposited in a security firm, I
alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one
unless I instruct them to do so. I alone know of the existence of this
deposit for as far as SMITH & WILLIAMSON is concerned,the transaction with
our late customer concluded when I sent the funds to the security firm,
all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just customer
services and due process. The security Firm has no single idea of what's
the history or nature of the deposit. They are simply awaiting
instructions to release the deposit to any party that comes forward. This
is the situation. This bank has spent great amounts of money trying to
track this man's family; they have investigated for months and have found
no family.

The investigation has come to an end.

My proposal; you share the same surname With our late client; I am
prepared to place you in a position to instruct The security Firm to
release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt
of the deposit,I am prepared to share the money with you in half. That is:
I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the
deposit to you. We share the proceeds 50/50.I would have gone ahead to ask
the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line to
me and my involvement in claiming the
deposit. But on the other hand, you with the same very name as the
original depositor would easily pass as the beneficiary with right to
claim. I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you within a
few days. I will simply inform the bank of the final closing of the file
relating to the deceased I will then officially communicate with The
Security Firm and instruct them to release the deposit to you. With these
two things: all is done.The alternative would be for us to have The
Security Firm direct the funds to another bank with you as account holder.
This way there will be no need for you to think of receiving the money
from The Security Company. We can fine-tune this based on our
interactions.I am aware of the consequences of this proposal. I ask that
if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail.
I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive. If my offer is of no
appeal to you,delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not
destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may not
know this but people like myself who have made tidy sums out of comparable
situations run the whole private banking sector. I am not a criminal and
what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you
to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this
move. Such opportunities only come ones' way once in a lifetime. I cannot
let this chance pass me by, for once I find myself in total control of my
destiny. These chances wont pass me by. I ask that you do not destroy my
chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with
my life but do not destroy me. I am a family man and this is an
opportunity to provide them with new opportunities. There is a reward for
this project and it is a task well worth undertaking.

I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you
refusing to work with me and alerting my bank. I am the only one who knows
of this situation, good fortune has blessed you with a name that has
planted you into the center of relevance in my life.Lets share the
blessing.If you find yourself able to work with me, contact me through
this email account david_palmer707uk@yahoo.com.hk If you give me positive
signals, I will initiate this process towards a conclusion. I wish to
inform you that should you contact me via official channels; I will deny
knowing you and about this project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting
me through my official phone lines nor do I want you contacting me through
my official email account. Contact me only through the numbers I will
provide for you and also through this email address. I do not want any
direct link between you and me. My official lines are not secure lines as
they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in
line with our Total Quality Management Policy.

Please observe this instruction religiously. Please,again, note I am a
family man, I have a wife and children. I send you this mail not without a
measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that
nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come
easy or on a platter of gold.

This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do
not betray my confidence.

Kindly send your response to my private email address
david_palmer707uk@yahoo.com.hk

I await your response.
David Palmer.

Today has sucked so bad I just needed Beer...

...battered shrimp! And they were delicious. Heh! YUMMY, but bad for me.

Seriously, today... holy crap. Right now I am pretending today just never HAPPENED. Or that only the good exercise I did happened. (I did at least 100 crunches... and got 100 steps in on my pedometer at Wal-Mart... besides regular swimming.) But in truth what happened was this:

On my way to physical therapy I rear-ended another car at a light! In front of a cop! Okay, actually we barely tapped bumpers but because I am just so super duper lucky the person I barely tapped jumped out of the car screaming, I kid you not, "Oh, this is going to be a soft tissue injury, I can tell right now! I have been rear ended before and it feels just like this, it is coming, there is NO question!"

There was no marks on our cars (that is to say, no marks on HER car, no NEW mark on my ugly little jeep.). I gave her my information and insurance card info, she refused to give me hers... whatever. The cop we waved over looked at the cars and just eventually walked off. Didn't give me a warning even, no ticket for sure, but the lady claimed I was still getting sued... however, chances are if the cop who SAW it happen knew it wasn't bad, looked at the car and still didn't give me a ticket it would be hard for her to sue. Not that I doubt she will try. It made it sound like she has done so in the past.

WHATFREAKINGEVER.

Yeah, I felt like an idiot but it really was an ACCIDENT. As in, I didn't slow down fast enough for as icy as that stop still was. ALMOST, but not quite. And I hit her car. And if the same had happened to me I would have been scared and they would have said I am so sorry and we wouldn't have even GOT the police because there was nothing wrong. But it wasn't me in THAT car, I was in the other car... it was my fault, and she wants money. I don't know if she'll get it, but whatever. This much I know: 1. Despite what CC may think of my driving ;OP I have never got a "moving violation" ticket (just one for having a light out I didn't know about). 2. I have never claimed an accident in my insurance. I have had a car accident but we just figured it out with the girl and me. The only other one was when I hit a deer one Valentine's day. THAT was AWFUL. Oh my gosh. Mali and Megan and BoyKid were there. Bad bad experience. (Even though funny BoyKid quotes came out of it.) Ugh.

Other than that, it is just a HORRIBLE headache day. Nothing is touching it today, I probably shouldn't have driven myself to therapy and the store anyway, to be honest. And now I feel like crap. I don't like it when I have to take heavy stuff for it, like Loritab or Robaxin. BLEH. THEY make me feel bad in their own way, too. But it looks like I will be needing one tonight.

PAIN SUCKS.

My Thankimony and Mourning the Fish

People that have lives, have lives that have real people. People at work, school, etc. to lean on when things are bad. But when your life seems to have all but STOPPED... and you rarely leave the house for anything but the pool or doctor... where are your people?

The answer, people, is HERE! Not just HERE-Here, but here, and you know, just here... in my mailbox. Because you people are freaking awesome to me. I love you people. Thank you for being my friends and being there for me even when "there" isn't a physical place, like, my living room. I was thinking about this a lot today. I am still uber stressed with my non-life. BUT I am very BLESSED with my friends. And I realized when I was praying that the MAJORITY of the important people in my life I have either met, or stay-primarily-connected-to, on teh inter-webs.

How weird is that?! I mean, I know, I am a pretty big nerd, that shouldn't be all that big of a revelation. But sometimes I still need a little divine pat on the back that, despite the many warnings about the "evils of internet relationships," mine are somehow kosher and all part of the blessing. Maybe I am wrong. I don't think so, though. I feel like I have been pretty fortunate in who I have met in this big crazy digital world and I think that Heavenly Father has HAD to have a big part in that. So to you, who are part of that, thank you. I don't really vent here to read that I am loved in the notes...

but it sure doesn't hurt. *grins* I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!

ANYWAY, so today I had a physical therapy appointment, but slept too late and had to call and cancel. That wasn't so good. I did work out at the pool though, and did work a little on my room, going through my clothes to decide what to Freecycle/DI and some other things. Not quite Flying, but Fluttering, at least. Hee hee!

One cool thing, though, is an email I got today. A very good friend of mine, "Gilch," wrote me. He hasn't in a long time and it was so good to be back in contact with him. (I also gave him my blog link though I don't know if he is a blogger) He is one of those people that I think is BRILLIANT, and spiritual... and just SO CLOSE to the truth of the Gospel. So close, but still... issues. Anyway, that's not why I write him. I write him because we are friends, not because I am in "missionary mode." Though I won't pretend I don't think about that too, the church thing. Because, well, I DO. I am fairly sure if Gilch was ever to convert to the LDS church he would end up being a STELLAR missionary... and probably teach seminary or something. Seriously, the guy is AWESOME. Anyway... Yeah, Mali knows. SIGH.

Another tidbit of today is that I decided I needed another Blog. I know, I am pathetic. But this one will just be a place to PUT my poetry, when I actually write it. Technically right now I just tried to find all my old poetry and put it in there so that CC could turn it into ART! She's freaking talented, you know. And she's doing a project with them like the one she did before. She makes my poetry look famous! (and thus I grant her exclusive copyrights to play with it at will. Anyone else must ask. And woo me with flattery and possibly chocolate and money.) I love having talented/brilliant/nice friends.

And, well, cute ones, too. The anatomical heart came in the mail today! My roomie thought it was very very funny. It does not come in a valentine like the one I pictured, it came on one of those anatomical skinless dudes. Not sized right though, unless, like the Grinch, it has already grown 20 times it's size. A very loving anatomical man. Anyway, the point is the heart anyway. I hope he likes it. I THINK he will. He tends to think the same things are funny that I do. Because he's basically a weirdo. Hee hee hee hee! Which is good as I like him muchly for it.

I should go to bed. What else happened today? I talked about my wonderful friends (you, mostly), the pool, FlyLady, Gilch, my new poetry blog (Oh! The name of it is Rye Mer Eazun. Just FYI.), Fresno... probably all that's missing is my critters and that should cover my life. HA!

Well, the critters of the Ark are all doing good. Actually, that's not completely true. The dogs, gliders, gerbil, and turtle are all good. However, I am actually very sad about my fish. The Goldfarbs, the goldfish "family," well, I really liked them. We made them a family, I know it is silly. But a few days after I returned from Hawai'i, Lucy the "wife" died. And then, just the other day when I was so sad, her "husband" Don Picard died! They were such fun goldfish... had more personality than most fish, I felt like. SIGH. Anyway, now one of my Long-Finned Zebra Danios, Italo (named after one of my dancer boys, if any of you remember him), well he's has a white tumor on his fin that has suddenly got much worse and I have been medicating, but I am afraid he will die, too.

I know that they are just fish... and I certainly am grateful it IS the fish and that my sugar babies are healthy and happy. I mean it is them that are my life. But I still feel bad for the fishies, too. I get pathetically attached. Even to fish. I am glad I am not the only one that silly. Sigh. (And yes, I am being VERY girly tonight.) But still.

And I should go to bed. So that I can wake UP. I HATE MORNING SO MUCH. Morning should die.

I am not a Me Fan

I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better I must do better!!!!

I did do my Weight Wellness class and went to the pool, that was the good thing. Really the only good thing. Other than that I have been so damn frustrated with my life today. My messy house. My fat self. My painful head. My utterly psycho brain.

Got into a big thing with Mom... well, no, really with Padre THROUGH Mom because I refused to TALK to Padre anymore about stuff. It was just... ugly. I cried a LOT today. I felt like throwing a full-out temper tantrum like a 3 year old.

I MUST wake up at a decent hour (whether I can fall asleep at one or not. That has to be secondary for now), work on my house, exercise, eat something nutritious, take medicne prescribed to me, and go to church on Sundays even if it means sitting in the foyer on the couch because the benches make my head so much worse. And I need to get my brain untangled so that I don't cry or sleep the majority of the day.

I do not want to be this. I really don't.

You're Confident...Sometimes

You can seem confident when the occasion calls for itBut inside you may be experiencing a bit of self doubtA little more inner confidence could take you far...And convince others that you're as confident as you try to seem

Are You Confident?

You Are Mostly Secure

In general, you feel confident and together.But the wrong thing can happen, and all of a sudden, you're not feeling so secure.Luckily, your insecurities don't last long... at least, not usually.So the next time you're feeling insecure, try to snap out of it - and remember the confident woman you are!

Are You Insecure?

Heavenly Father,
Sometimes I really want to go home.

Attack (and Subsequent Marriage?!) of the Clones

Status: Still Stressing and Depressing...
BUT less so then yesterday.

So, by way of update on the boy, I just got off the phone with Fresno. I told him I was having a Depression time (true) but was excited to see him (true?) and then we spent the majority of the 2 hours talking and giggling stupidly about Onesie underwear, Wonder Twins, and snails. We talked about serious stuff, too, like the frustration of his job and the fact that he actually put in his offer on the California house for his cousin and friend. He is waiting for it to be accepted, but basically is just planning on buying it regardless, for them to live in and he will move here. Because he just takes care of people he cares about. I just hope he isn't doing too much, taking on more than he should.

Which, by the way, brings me to something else I wanted to say. It doesn't make more sense, but I wanted to clarify, I am NOT afraid that Fresno will run when he realizes what a mess I am, emotionally. I am afraid he WON'T find out what a mess I am until we are married and will in a sense of exceptional, Fresnoesque, loving loyalty just stick with me but not ever be really happy. And I want him to be really happy.

(He WILL however, never find anyone as *entertaining* as me. Mostly because he has a really really SILLY sense of humor. But I just don't know that goofy entertainment is a good trade for emotional stability.)

Okay, anyway, so today I got a wedding announcement for someone I was best friends with back in high school, Stephie Burr. It's been a long time, but Mali saw her (on BYU campus, I think?) anyway she got us connected again. So Stephie sent me an invite with the picture of her and her hubby-to-be. Can I just say CReEeePY?! They are, like, TWINS! They have the SAME FACE! He is a Bald version of her! And the way they posed, and the shirts, well, they even looked the same that way. I am very tempted to scan it in and PhotoShop her hair onto him just because. Now, even though Roomie Lark totally agreed they look like clones, she DID talk me out of giving said artwork to them as their wedding gift (Even though I would find a cute frame to put it in.)

Sadly, that means I need to find a cool present. Because, well, she was a good friend, even after high school. It was only post mission that I lost track of her. So yeah, I will find her something cool.... but SECRETLY I *will* think it is creepy that she is marrying herself as a bald man for as long as I want. Hee hee hee hee!

I am a wicked person. *blush*So, this has been entertaining me ---->

Yes. That is the real guy. And the other real guy. And the other real guy. And the guy in the car is THE Karate Kid. And the real other guy is really that guy. Awesome, huh?

I *heart* YouTube.

I should go to bed. It is not, as you may have noticed, "before 1" per my goal. It is, well, 2:30. I feel like crap. Unfortunately, not like sleepy crap. Just regular crap. Speaking of, who would let their kids play with THIS?

Aww SHIRT.

Aaaaaaand just like that, I'm weirded out again. I am not as okay with things today. Why couldn't Fresno come for no reason instead of THAT holiday? I am not, like ANTI-Valentine. Well, I hate PINK, but you know what I mean. But it makes Fresno coming all, like, scary. Couldn't he just come for a normal time? I REALLY like and maybe love Fresno. we have so much fun together, and he scares me the least of any boy I have ever met. I don't want to think about it being Valentine's Day. I've just never liked the idea of a teddy bear saying "I Love You" before you've said it yourself, if that makes sense. Plus, it's just a lot of Forced romance and romance scares me anyway so mandatory romance scares me... ummm... mandatorily..., Man.

In other news, I needed some serious retail therapy. And thus I totally BOUGHT these 2 shirts from Threadless. (By the way, totally click that link to shop through and help me earn these shirts. Because I WANTS THEM.) "Oh No. Shoulder Angels." HA!

Anyway, yeah. Scared of Love... but not of loving T-Shirt designs. What can I say?

Another artsy thing I saw today pretty much represents how I feel about the idea of having babies. (The rest of this Artist's stuff is both hilarious and horrific, you should check it out.) SCAAAARY! Yeah, random. I know.

My brain is ouchy tonight. I am having a little bit of a freak out. Basically the headache is really bad right now and I think I am having some sort of anxiety attack or something and so the combination is something like a brain explosion that I want to go away right now. Writing things out helps, but doesn't fix it. And it only helps the panic... not the head.

I am having a bad night. If you know me (and if you don't you probably don't read this that often!), you know that with Depression and Anxiety Disorder and all the rest of my Me-ness-es, well I could be totally fine tomorrow or totally worse. What can I say?

I still worry about the concept of allowing somebody like Fresno into THIS part of my life. He knows, but... yeah... I don't think he can really KNOW how truly screwed up I am and how miserable I can make him for a long time.

And I don't know whether to let him find out. Because he is so good to me. He doesn't deserve a crazy chick. Sorry for the venting... feeling a bit like Damaged Goods tonight.

Anyway, I'm going to find something to eat and take my night pills. Maybe tomorrow won't suck as bad. And maybe I will at least leave the stupid house and do my water aerobics like I planned. Instead today I have, lets see, worked on my room... cried... messed around on line... cried... watched TV... cried...

Grrrrr.

The Good GUYS

It has been what has become a typical-for-ME Sunday: Horrible headache, No Church, being BROUGHT the Sacrament, watching Little House on the Prairie, and playing with the silly little dogs, especially Shasta. (I love that dog!)

You know, though, some things are different. For one thing, because a few days ago my Relief Society Presidency came to visit me and see how my headaches and such were going, she had sent Sam, the Elders' Quorum President to give me the sacrament I missed today.

Padre and BoyKid have done that often when I can not come to church, but I've never had anyone else, had someone officially from MY congregation. It shouldn't matter, of course... they hold the same Priesthood. And so I never asked. But the girls offered, and I accepted, a little embarrassed to have it so OFFICIAL.

But you know what? This probably sounds weird, but it seemed MORE "official" before. As goofy as both my dad and baby brother are, and as much as they both love to joke around, they still approached the ordinance of the Lord's Sacrament with more reverence and respect than Sam and the other guy. Dad and BoyKid act as if they really are preforming something in the name of the Savior, with His power. Sam and the other guy did what they were supposed to do, but somehow it was different. It still was true... it still "counted." It just made me grateful to have strong, worthy Priesthood holders in my life... men who really do act in the name of God when doing his work.

I fight a lot with my dad. I do NOT think everything Padre does is right, obviously. But I think that when he is doing things as an Elder of the Church, he is doing them right... and that he is doing them just like Christ would. And I think my little brother has learned from him and expanded that by a billion times and is basically, like, SUPER righteous. He will be a TRULY STELLAR missionary over there in Italy.

And, ummm, well, also a 3rd righteous guy in my life, though far away, Fresno. He sent me his answer to that 55 questions quiz today and it was just so cute (c) (that's copy written for you, CC! "Stop copying me!" Hee hee hee! "Cute Puppy Aneurysm!") and funny... I mean nothing huge, just... yeah. It was just good. And a good day that way, just... good, happy thoughts about the boy... and a possible future with him. A FUTURE! And I am not, at present, freaked out by that. Weird, huh?

Prayer helps.

Yeah.
Sigh. <:O) But I still have a long ways to go... on a lot of things. I want to get my life in order, as you know. My Luke 2:52 Goals might need a little tweaking... not CHANGING, really, just some that are more short term, like goals of the week. Adding some, I suppose. So this week...

Wisdom
* Get Jeep registered/inspections finished.
* Renew driver's license.
* Look through new jobs and send applications to possible part-time jobs, particularly that MAY be full-time when I get better and don't have to go to doctors all the time.

Stature
* Work out with Water Aerobics at least 3 times this week.
* Journal food eaten with ALL HONESTY!
* Go to Weight Wellness class on Wednesday night if head allows me.
* Be OFF the computer and therefore in bed and READY to sleep just in case I can by 1 AM every night this week! (this will be the hardest one)

Favor with God
* Read something in the scriptures each day this week.
* Be here Tuesdays for the Visiting Teachers and try not to be so annoyed by them.
* Pray a LOT... in with more sincerity!
* Be up and READY for church on Sunday, the 28th regardless of if I can go, so that the decision of whether to attend can be based solely upon the severity of the headache.

Favor with Man
* This week I will follow FlyLady in working on Zone 4... my Bedroom! Dun DUN DUN! Also, get at least a big part of my FlyLady Control Journal started. I am not good at it, but I really do think it works. The system, I mean.
* I think I want to get Fresno something for Valentine's Day. I think I want to get him a candy heart, but one that LOOKS like a heart because I think that is really funny. So order either that or find something else Valentine's-y.

ANYWHOOO... Bedtime. Pretty close to that 1 am plan! Granted, I still need to feed to suggies and such, but I am getting off the computer before, like 3 am. So that, pathetic though it sounds, is PROGRESS.

Puppy pictures are more Addictive than Porn (Your results may vary)

I just need to stay awake a few more hours! I think I can do that as I seem to have PAST sleepy now anyway and have just gone straight to just sort of zombie. (Like Hello Zombie perhaps?) So, I SHOULD be able to go to bed early tonight and get a start on fixing Insomnia.

So this morning, after I gave up trying to sleep I had an oh-so-yummy breakfast of SlimFast (Meh.) and got ready to go Skating in the Boonies. But before my Mom came to play chauffeur Fresno called!

Well, first he pretended to order a pizza, because, well, the boy is weird. THEN he admitted to me he had had a BIGGER plan to trick me, he was planning to FLY to Utah February 9th and surprise me! For Valentine's Day (except, you know, the 9th through the 11th, because he works Valentine's)! He would stay at his friend UTFriend and UTFriendsWife's place in Sandy so he could sneak into the state... UNDETECTED... Dun DUN DUN!

Only he changed his mind about surprising me THEN, because Curtis is trying to sell him a house and he decided that if he went with that plan Curtis would drag him to properties for most of the time and then he'd see me a little. Instead, he wants to hang out with me the whole time and "Maybe we can go surprise Curtis, for a few minutes, I guess, so we can surprise someone?"

Why we need SURPRISE his Realtor friend, I don't know, but I find that VERY funny. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Fresno is so weird. And funny. And cute and weird and funny.

So, part of that call overlapped into when my mom came, but not a lot of it, and then we (Mom and me) continued to "The Pod." Granted, once we actually ARRIVED, "The Pod" was a little under the size of the "cultural center" at church, and that was not the only similarity. Basically it was a school gym with DO-IT-YOURSELF Rentals! That really should not have been cool to me, but I was. When my head got too bad and I took off my own skates I spent awhile behind the counter putting away skates and getting kids different sizes. Yes, I am a dork because that was fun. Hee hee hee!

The party was fun, though, while I was there. Basically, Coats had invited all of her little town and all of her family. I was the only, like, past-roomie-type friend, and it was funny to be called BOB by everyone again. Cousin Jas hugged me a long time and I wish we could have talked more before he introduced his Flavor-of-the-Week and immediately lost his ability to talk unassisted. *grumble grumble frickin' battered man-wife syn-drone grumble grumble* Me and Coats talked a lot, but not ENOUGH and we really should get together more often. We did get to catch up on our old roomies though, and, uhh, Poker buddies. Trav is engaged to a girl in Holden and apparently our playboy Cowboy Jas (not Cousin Jas) has been MARRIED, like, a YEAR now, to some Statutor-ita of NOW 18. Hmmm... Trav says she's perfect for him. Figures. hee hee! *rolls eyes* Idiots. The lot of 'em. No, just kidding, I am happy for them... I think. If they are happy. But I miss our little SUU world. And I am weirded out by it all... Nat the Trollup having a baby with her Just Sinful Enough RM. Trav getting married. Cowboy BEING married to his 18 year old. LibbyNet the Cartoon being married to her Book of Mormon Villain. Never mind Parker's breeding program with a boy due in March. (Not that he's Cedar/SUU... He's Fringe... Coats is both, but you know what I mean) JUST. SO. WEIRD.

And about as wacky, I might not call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (S.A.D.) because for, what I think is the FIRST time, I have like a boyfriend-type person. I mean, I am SINGLE, as in I am not married. But, I am not, like, ummmm, AS single as ever before. Which is, well, unique.

After I went home from the party I watched old episodes of the Office I had recorded from BoyKid and CC showed my pictures of some of the cutest puppies you have ever seen until my "head almost exploded from cuteness!" It was painfully adorable. Puppies!!!! *KABOOM*

Samson went back to bed... ate a slice of Wonder Bread, and went right back to bed...

I should be asleep. But legs have been all dance-y and now my fingers feel the same and so here I am again. Almost 6:30 am and I am in BED, but have yet to so much as doze.

We have a thermometer outside and guess what it says? ONE. That's right, 1 degree Fahrenheit. My Padre/Landie said to run the water a drizzle on any faucets that directly meet an outside wall if it goes zero to keep from busting pipes. He is dealing with them all over with his apartments. Such is the life of a Landlord, but he hates this time of year. But at least Lark and I are actually exceptionally good renters and do as much as we can to care for our house ourselves. Because we like to be independent girlies! WE CAN DO IT!

In too few hours I am going to drive out to the country to go to Coats' birthday party! I love Coats. She is crazy (no. Really.) but NEVER boring. She started our weekly Relief Society Presidency poker games back in Cedar City. She still will only call me Bob. She got bored one day and joined the Army but called it the circus. She got all the way through boot camp and everything before getting discharged. So making a rather random trek down to roller skate seems fitting. I just was hoping I would have SLEPT before doing so. For her present, I got her some Cornbread mix in a John Deere tin (she is obsessed with all things John Deere for the kitchen, especially) and some Jalepino jelly that only she would probably like.

You know what is really annoying about not sleeping, besides the not sleeping? You get hungry at STUPID times. Like now. I could totally get up and eat. But then, if I let my stomach wake up the rest of me would too and then I would HAVE to stay awake and be all alert during time when I could get at least SOME rest before driving on possibly slippery ice roads. However, it may not matter anyway. For one, because I do not really think I am falling asleep "tonight" anyway, before the party so screw it. And for two, even though I am sure that skating sleepy is not wise either I think my Mom is going to drive me purely because she is going south and is paranoid about me driving while taking the pills I take even when I HAVE slept normal and so she has been asking to drive me anyway. While I don't really WANT to have to depend on someone else for a ride, nor put her out (because really, what is there for her to do nearby in FILLMORE while I skate?!), meh... whatever. If it makes her not stress, I guess it's her deal.

MAYBE I can even stay awake ALL DAY! THAT would be good... very good! If I can do that, maybe I can use it to turn my stupid stupid schedule back to that of a NON-Nocturnal creature. Granted, for the past few weeks, I have only been getting about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day... usually between the stupid hours of 6 am and 4 pm. Because THAT makes perfect sense. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I need to get things turned around from the OTHER direction. Just get up earlier and earlier regardless and my dumb brain will just have to learn to fall asleep like a normal person. I TAKE meds, they just don't work yet. They just make me groggy and sick. BLEH.

I am so tired of pills. Pills for sleep. Pills for Depression. Pills for Anxiety. Pills for Diabetes. Pills for Cholesterol. Pills for muscle spasm. Pills for pain. Pills for stomach stuff. Pills for infection. Pills for Ulcer. GRRRRRRRRR.... I am trying to work on systematically getting rid of the REASONS for said pills, and then getting rid OF the pills until I feel human again instead of like a walking, people-shaped pill bottle! But for now... SIGH.

Yeah, here again and it is 7:30. I think it is safe to say that I won't be sleeping before the party. BUT if I can hold out MAYBE I can make it until an early night time, feed the sugar babies early and go to sleep early, and wake up early... and feel better! And have all kinds of things better! And make it to church! And be all righteous! And get blessings! And be Happy, happily ever after!

Or, you know, at least make some steps toward fixing the insomnia. Because really, it screws with your immune system, your emotional health, and your social calender (unless all your friends are bats... or in an opposite time zone... and I would like my friends to be in my real physical proximity for a change. Though, I am open to batty ones, too.)

I give up. I am going to take a shower and "eat" a SlimFast. Good Morning. SIGH.

55 on a Friday

Tired of those same old "55 questions about me" surveys? Well here are 55 I guarantee you've never answered. (You can blame this on Stewbert!)

1. Is your second toe longer than your first?
Yep

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
Pilot G2 gel pens

3. Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing?
Nothing yet.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
toenail colored. Though, I HAVE once done a super girly thing and got a pedicure and then they were Purple. And someday I may go girly and get a pedicure again.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
probably scriptures. <--- Ditto

6. What color are your bedroom curtains?
Red White and Blue? Yeah, no real curtains, I have a Texas flag hanging in front of blinds!

7. What color are the seats in your car?
gray... and dirty.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
I have had a few cats that had black and white on them, but no none I would call "black and white" in general.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
Hmmm... it's been awhile. Probably, a dolphin postcard from Hawai'i. ;o)

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
I think so. Rinny? One of your tinfoil hat wearing friends, I am sure?

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
The last time I used an ATM was in the mission. Therefore, for random P-Day antics.

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
Ummm... a human one? I guess T-La's littlest, Elijah. I am not good at holding babies. They are cute, but floppy.

13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?
Not in real life, thank goodness!

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
No. I need toothpaste to taste toothpastey... MINTY, but not burningly minty. No bubble gum, NO citrus, no cinnamon. But not gross mint. My cousin Sarsa thinks that the grosser it is the better it cleans. That is terrifying.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
The same one I am driving now, Happy Car, my very dysfunctional 1996 white Jeep Cherokee Sport.

15. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators.
Ummm.... Gators. But Boise could still kick their butts.

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
never have.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
I don't think so, nope!

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow: Uhh... oh there is a talking bone that is yellow. Yes, a TALKING bone. Okay, so this is hilarious. You record things on it and when the girls bite it it talks. They think it's HILARIOUS and bark happily spin and do it again. It gets old so we hide it because the girls like it too much. Well, my roomie, Sarah, she takes care of a disabled guy in our home named Jay and this week Jay found the bone. He picked it up and was about to throw it for Shasta and it talked. SCARED HIM TO DEATH! It shouldn't be that funny, but it just WAS. I am a mean person sometimes. hee hee hee. Ummm... and it's over there and it's yellow.

20. Last person to give you a business card?
Nobody GIVES me business cards. I take them, but I think I just do not look like I make business decissions so they don't GIVE them to me. The last one I took for later reference was for a Ribbonwood Vet who I DON'T use as a vet, but do use for Kennel services for my suggies.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
My Roommate, she paid for my 72 hour kit at church

22. Closest framed picture to you?
A kind of odd gold foil one of Jesus Christ.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Ummmm.... resturant cooker people at the Chinese buffet for my baby bro's birthday on the 13th?

24. Have you ever applied for welfare?
No, though I did get church food for a little while on the mission.

25. How many emails do you have?
Just 4 now, I think... but I only USE gmail, hotmail, and yahoo.... gmail for personal stuff, hotmail for junk (and MSN messenger), and Yahoo for Paypal and stuff.

26. Last time you received flowers?
We got orchid Lei's at the Lua'u at the PCC over Christmas break!

27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?
Yeah.

29. Do you play air guitar?
To good songs, heck yes!

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Don't drink coffee, but I loooooove the smell....

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
I think I DO! But I think it is lost at the padres' house...

32. What was/is your high school's mascot?
Orem High TIGERS

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Laurie, the AWESOME Thai Kickboxer/Mama

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
yesterday I think.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
YEAH! (Who would say NO?! WHY would anyone NOT want to learn the DRUMS? Stewie, darling girl, why the devil would you NOT want to?!)

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?

Uh..white.. maybe off-white or something trickily named like "egg shell"

37. What is in your inbox at work?
SIGH... work. Let me GET a job and I'll get back to you.

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
Oh such SAD things! The 3 pregnant teens who attacked the owner of their group home and stole her van and credit cards, the homeless with no shelter in the cold in Utah county... and some thing they are trying to pass about requiring parental permission for teens to use tanning beds. That one is more weird than SAD, obviously.

39. What was the last pageant you attended?
I guess a lot of Polynesian dancing if you count that as a Pagent, otherwise I have NO idea

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Pizza Hut

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
I am a girl, and I WAS once under the age of 10. OF COURSE I have worn crowns! GEEZE! Besides, umm, Burger King? Hello!

Okay. Fine, more recent than Age 10. SHADDUP.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
Puh.. ay... Per?

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
nope, not a Pepsi girl, and really COLA SHOULD BE BROWN.

44. Are you ticklish?
Yes. HOWEVER, as a warning to anyone who thinks this is fun information. You know how some people are funny drunk and some are scary drunk? I am ANGRY TICKLISH. When tickled, my reflex is to stop the tickling at all cost... NOT to laugh. Therefore, if you tickle my foot and I kick you in the groin, I make no apology. Actually, that is not true. I will probably apologize. But if after that, you tickle my neck and I give you a bloody nose, I apologize, it will probably be with less sympathy.

45. Last time you saw fireworks? New Year's! Just a few, over the houses, mostly heard them, but still, it made me happy.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
I think it was at the Han[g]over House with Ehu and we went inside like a little Field Trip! Was Brigham the Bear with us?

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned their call?
My Mama

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
Uhh... when I got home from the doctor and store yesterday night?

49. Do you have a black dog?
Yep, little Trinket, the roomie's Pomeranian-Mix is black.

50. Do you have any pickles in your fridge?
Let me check. Sometimes we do, but no, not right now. We DO have Relish though, and that is MADE of pickles, and Cucumbers which pickles are made OF.

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Not REALLY, since neither my bro nor sis have kiddlets, but a couple of my friends' and cousins' kiddlets call me Auntie BethAnn.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
Ummm... *blush* I really like Fresno's eyes

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
Today parked across the street

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
no?

55. Do you have a little black dress?
no...

fake smiles

It's been a long achy day. I am tired, my head REALLY hurts, and so does everything else due to my stupid ice slip at Target. However, I really need to feel happy today because I cried a lot this morning and guess what? It didn't make me feel better. I HATE DEPRESSION. So until I can get past some of this crap and probably get into a psych again I am going to have to "fake it 'til ya make it." Here we go. The following are the good thoughts:

* I went to the doctor because I have been sick for the past 3 weeks, and he decided I had caught something weird in Hawai'i that was Bacterial. He gave me an antibiotic that I only have to take for 3 days and it should make it go away (if he's right)! In just 3 days! Nice, huh?

* My bathroom is SO CLEAN. I have been "Swishing & Swiping" like a pro and so at least ONE area of my house sparkles. It's a start.

* Dwight is back on The Office. (I knew he would be!) But I LOVE that show. It's so freaking funny.

* My little brother, BoyKid, has been keeping me laughing with his tales of his "Girl Scout" job. Also, Fresno is going to try to FLY in for his "Farewell" at Church... February 25th at 9 am (Bleh. MORNING.) and then at Noon the party-ish thing. Okay, that is HALF a happy thought, half sad/weird that BoyKid will be LEAVING for Italy for 2 years.

* I stole some good music today. I love you, LimeWire. Ummm... I mean, listened to... and supported... the Artistry of... emotionally.

And my people, lamented because before the month

That was just my awesomely favorite nonsensical subject of spam!!!! I do not plan to make it into a comic like Spamusement or a poetic movie like this hilarity---->

BUT I DID plan to dedicate it to Mali, the Nasty Butler. Why? Because "If you can see it, we can laminate it!" And only she'd think that was funny! Ha!

I realize that a large portion of my life and humor depends on private jokes. Even things that are movie quotes, they are not that funny unless said to the people you saw them WITH. It is all about shared experiences. I guess that is why this concept of "online dating" seems weird to me, even though I am certainly Nerd enough for it to seem plenty Normal. But WHY? Fresno and I have tons of silly private jokes both from the small amount of time we have spent together in real life AND online, chatting or on the phone.

Still, I guess I feel like I JUST. WANT. MORE. I want Fresno *here*. I want us to see more silly movies, play more board games, go to more parties, hang out with more friends and do nothing, get more... well... kissing lessons, meet more best friends and cousins. I just hate that he is such a huge part of my life, emotionally... but such a tiny part of my actual time. I mean, California isn't exactly the edge of the world, but it sometimes feels like it. Long distance is so... LONG. And DISTANT! Hee hee. But seriously, why couldn't we be, like, kids?

You know when your best friend was just down the street? You wanted to play? You hopped on your Big Wheel and rode over there. The biggest obstacles you had were one of you had to finish cleaning their room or something first or your mom made you go to a dentist appointment. But other than that, you played when you wanted to. You played until it got dark and then you played Night Games in somebody's yard 'til your dad called you home.

I miss that closeness... that physical LOCATION closeness that you had as a kid with your friends.

But on the other hand, you had no choice. Your friends lived close because you couldn't have met them otherwise. Now my best friends are all over the world. Nobody is really close, except my roomie and my critters. Even those that DO live pretty near by, well, seem to have actual LIVES and so still SEEM far away.

But, at least in terms of the boy I may just find myself in love with, so he lives in another state right now... I can't NOT like him. THAT seems pretty clear. I am in deep smit and there's not much I can do to remedy that condition and I have a rather catchy yet semi-timely song from Scrubs in my head and right now his friend has him buying a house in Utah as an investment property before he even gets OUT here and he is doing it and my life is so different than I ever imagined and I am so sick of being SICK but so AMAZED by this guy and how PERFECT he seems.

OH CRAP. On a completely different issue that title says "lamented" NOT "LAMINATED" which was the who reason I even POSTED it. I feel like SUCH a dork.

Yeah, "...my people, laminated..." SIGH. BUMMER!

Anyway, this is a REALLY pathetic entry. I apologize... though not a LOT. I mean, it's my journal you're reading. Read some whiny emo girl's diary... how much entertainment and just plain COHERENCE do you expect?!

ANYHOOoo... it is still COLD here. And on the news they have been saying Cali has been freezing, too (this is not about Fresno, just FYI, it's about sugar gliders, the OTHER topic I talk about) and that fruit and veggie prices are about to go through the roof. SO after physical therapy I decided I had better go to the store and stock up on produce that I can cut up and freeze for my sugar babies. Good plan in theory but I slipped on some ice in the parking lot in the process and even though I didn't break or scrape anything that I could see I JARRED every bone in my body. Already, I hurt... but I am guessing it will be MUCH worse tomorrow.

I was really hoping to be feeling much BETTER by Saturday because COATS invited me to her birthday party! If I can go it will be a drive... she lives out in GREENWOOD... which is near HOLDEN... which is near Fillmore.... which STILL is way in the boonies. But how old school is this? She is having a roller skating party! Like an 8 year old! Now I will be TOTALLY impressed if we get little single serve ice cream with wooden "spoons" that are actually flat like the old "Classic Skating" place had. Anyway, I hope I can come, SOME how. Because that will be freaking HILARIOUS! Awww... I miss all the Fringe! Parker, Coats, and Jeppson. I need to tell them about Fresno. Especially since, you know, one day he may need to be inducted into our little secret society.

Speaking of Fringe news, though I forgot to say that ParkeRisa are expecting ANOTHER Mini-Fringe! Their first baby, "Hell" is going to be a big sister. Basketball, anyone?