Monday, November 6, 2006

allergic to simplicity?

I love The Ark where I live. But today I am sort of wishing I was in my last place the Han[g]over House. In my bedroom in the Han[g]over House I had a big closet that I could crawl behind my clothes and hide and cry. Not the most mature way to handle life, but today I feel like crying in that closet. And I know there is happy stuff... REALLY happy stuff. But SIGH. I just... my brain is upside-down right now.

Okay, here is the thing... Grandma is in the hospital again. She isn't even TALKING or anything, and has really strict DNRs... basically all we are doing now is making sure she isn't in pain. My Grandma is dying. My other grandparents died when I was little, but this is different. This is GRANDMA. And my poor MOM... I just... I feel awful for HER going through this with her own mom. It's crazy. Mom is there with her now. Dad is out of town *shocker, I know* on a big golf trip *double shocker* and I am leaving in a minute for my doctor's appointment. There is a guy here fixing our washing machine. Mom asked me to swing by and fix her computer and fax machine afterwards. Life goes on... but Grandma Bills is dying. Our family is hurting.

On the other hand, part of me, the girly selfish part is on cloud nine. Last night I chatted with Fresno and it was just... so GOOD. I think I really really really really really really really really like this boy. And we talked about deeper stuff, too... harder stuff for me, Miss Nonseriouso. It was very good. He is so... SIGH! And we set a time to talk-talk... like on the PHONE! So I am giggley and girly and it's all I can do to keep from singing and watching chick flicks.

On the other hand (because I apparently I am an OCTOPUS!), do I really believe it will "end happily?" No, not really. I wish I did. But part of me still feels that whole "He gives flowers to everyone" and "in His time" and "in this life or the next" kicking me in the shins the whole way in an effort to be helpful. Years have told me not to get my hopes up. Cynicism? Realism? Fatalism? I don't know, but it is on everyone's faces, including my own when I gush about how cute Fresno is.

TOO cute. You know? I feel a pro-con list coming on...


  1. It is NOT selfish to feel girly.... and don't EVER think that it is. It's an emotion and all emotions are ok.

    Also, there is no such thing as "too cute" for ANYWAY. Believe in yourself and just keep believing in the magic. Be brave.

    I'll pray for your family. That makes me sad too - but it's also a blessing because I know things haven't been going well lately with Grandma.

  2. My grandma is dying, too. So is the grandma of another close friend. Maybe we should start a club.

  3. I hope it works. Whatever needs to work.

    *refer to own blog for understanding of crappe comment*

  4. Lainaholo 'OhanaNovember 6, 2006 at 9:47 PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandma. My Grandmother went through something similar; she had cancer (which started out as uterine, but spread throughout her internal organs). She had told us she didn't want to be resuscitated (sp?), if she ever reached that point. We knew that she was sick for a while, but that still didn't prepare us. We felt comfort in the knowledge that she would finally find peace from all her pain & suffering...

  5. *selfish* I kinda wish my grandma was dying. she's miserable, can't talk, can't feed herself, can't do much of anything, but uh, she's still kicking (and the last time anyone could understand what she said, she *yelled* at my mother, who is her daughter-in-law, so no one in my family will even visit her anymore). Ahem.

    And ditto to Steph: "Also, there is no such thing as "too cute" for ANYWAY. Believe in yourself and just keep believing in the magic. Be brave." -- I still sometimes look at Moe and think, "Man, he is so HOT. What's he doing with me?" Well. He loves me. That's just the way it is. If it's right, it's right, and it'll work. :) Hang in.