Superstah!!!

Even with a Valium, it is very hard to not panic inside an MRI. Very like a space coffin, and they say "this next test will be about 3 minutes" but I am pretty sure they really mean 7 hours each because I felt like I was in there holding very still for FOREVER. Especially when I am thinking that the test was pretty useless because I don't think they will find out anything my doing an MRI of my neck that they don't ALREADY know about my 2 month headache. But whatever just par for the course in my life with doctors. "It's a new style called 'Retro!'"

My hands smell so orange-y. I have been eating Clementines all day. I am sick and they have vitamin C. I love these seedless little things. Plus, well at MY house, they are funny. "They're like GOLD in Utah!" - Fresno

Awww... I miss him.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Okay, so it may be true I may not be quite *infected* with PSL PERSAY. Mostly because while I think Fresno is pretty dang HOT, I am still really REALLY shy when it comes to the physical stuff. However, I have been WAY braver with him than the last... who was also the first... boy that kissed me... who I didn't really kiss BACK and that was now a few years ago.

So the fact that I kissed Fresno BACK is pretty big to me. Even though I think I was pretty bad at it. *blush* He asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. I kissed him back, too, we kept kissing, just repeated, semi-short but not peck kisses, but I don't think I really GOT IT exactly. (I told him he's need to give me lessons later hee hee) It made my lips... BUZZ. I don't mean tingle, I mean, buzz like they were asleep or something. I don't know. Weird. Not bad... just... odd. I plan to become a champion kisser though, I just need him to teach me or something. hee hee (How's THAT for details, you ice cream-loving she-vultures!?)

Your Kissing Purity Score: 77% Pure

You've hardly ever been kissed But the kisses you've given are very missed

Kissing Purity Test

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself You're the perfect blend of independent and caring You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

I have a cold (and PSL?)

Today I want a maid. I am hurting today, sore muscles and the cold trying to assert itself to become the plague. But I need to work on the house. I mean there's the regular house cleaning stuff. And then there's the stuff I need to do to get rid of so much crap in my house, simplify my life, and generally, "Fly" with the best of 'em. The BIG stuff. And then there is all the stuff I usually do on weekends, the pet stuff... cleaning cages, cleaning aquariums, changing litter, laundering soft toys, disinfecting hard toys, washing dishes and water bottles...

did I do ANYTHING practical this weekend?

No, I sure didn't. Okay, I FED my babies. I bragged about them and showed off how CUTE they were. But today I also need to do all that other stuff. I was just a little busy and distracted this weekend. *blinks and whistles innocently*

Yeah, my brain has been elsewhere... or elsewho. You know. *blush*

But guess what?! He is going to fly here for Spencer's mission Farewell in a few months! AND he is still talking about MOVING here eventually... crazy. Cuh-Ray-Zee! But CUTE.

Lumbering Back on to the Wagon... Bleh...

I am just... beat. Physical therapy hurts. Working out a bunch AFTER Physical Therapy hurts. Started the Weight "Management" class at the same doctor I am doing at the PT and stuff at today, which was a little discouraging though I WAS trying to get more motivated and SORT of was. But yeah. I am going to attempt to MANAGE to LOSE my weight (because right now I know exactly where it is. It's right there. I am like pregnant. Except with no fun baby thing. Not that labor would be fun. But people like babies. Those are fun. But being SHAPED like I have one inside of me is not so much.

Anyway, yeah. I am so freaking tired. And sore. SO SORE. But I want to do better.

No. Correction. I NEED to do better. I NEED to be healthier. I need to get my blood glucose level under control. I need to not hurt so much while exercising to do so. I need to follow my meal plan. Me and Mom are doing it together. Trying to do the whole supportive thing. Because, like she said "I don't want you guys to have to plan a funeral for awhile." Ch'ya, me NEITHER. UGH. But SIGH... not so good at it. It hurts. And right now I am sick. Not with the headache still (THANK GOODNESS!!!!! HUZZAH! I *heart* Cortizone, apparently!) just an increasingly wicked cold and a bit of Cortizone-induced diabetes trauma. So that is annoying. However, I am taking Echinecha, Zinc, and vitamin C (and Mucinex) like it's going out of style. So I am hoping it won't last long. And as for the more serious stuff, well, we'll just have to see.

You Are The Cranberry Sauce

A little sweet, a little sour - you've got the flava! Though, you do tend to squish in people's mouths...

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

I have another MRI on Thursday, this one of my neck. Blaaaaargh. I HATE MRIs. Sigh. Anyway, so there is my loverly health update. Other than that not much else happened today or yesterday except getting really really cute sweet emails that were mean but hilarious from Fresno. He is freaking hilarious and adorable simultaneously. 1st email after getting back? "I can't write because there is.... uhhhh... a hurricane in Fresno.... and uhhhh... I will write you when I am.... uhhhh... "safe".... uuuuuh, Rich."

I wrote him back that it is a good thin he is so much cuter than that joke or I would kick him head in.

But really, It cracked me up. Especially when it proceeded a letter filled with so many reasons that he liked me that my head was the size of a watermelon in pride. SIGH! I have often said never let a boy become your self-esteem. And I still maintain it. But good gordon they sure are an ego boost!!! *dances around all GIRLY!!!*

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Welcome Back, Mrs. Chanandler Bong... I mean Tovey

Today was pretty cool. I went to church back at my old ward with Mali! Our little friend Chan-Chan just came back from his mission in Texas! (Yay! YAY FOR MISSIONS IN TEXAS!!!!!) We haven't really been in contact for a long time, but still it was fun to see him and others from the old 'hood. Hee hee!

I saw a lot of people I used to know. They all looked the same! I mean... OLDER... but still the same. But they had Husbands. Wives. Babies. Kids. It's freakin' WEIRD!!! I messed with all of the grown ups though, they kept coming up to me, asking how my parents were and such and asking how I was and trying to ask if I was married and had kids without asking and I was not giving them clues. Hee hee hee hee!

They kept asking things like "So anything exciting in your life?" etc and I just kept saying like "things are pretty good" with NO details because, well, it amused me.*



*Just BECAUSE they were grown ups though. Because had they been real friends I am still in a really girly mood and totally feel like yelling I TOTALLY LIKE A BOY WHO LIKES ME! Now THAT is NEWS!

So, I saw this on Steph's MySpace and decided I was bored and did it. They called me weird. hee hee hee!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 63% Stability |||||||||| 36% Orderliness |||||||||| 40% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 76% Interdependence |||||||||||| 50% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63% Adventurousness |||||||||| 36% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||| 30% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 70% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||| 23% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical Fitness || 10% Histrionic |||||| 30% Paranoia |||||||||||||| 56% Vanity |||||||||| 36% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based.

Trait Snapshot: craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose

Centeni-post and I'm in Deep Smit!

So it is my 100th post! And I have a ton to tell! But I don't want to type it all!

And I can't! Stop! Using! Exclamation! Points!!!!!

So, Friday it was late afternoon when Fresno arrived at the door of my parents' house and I was SOOOOOO nervous!!! He came in and he was really tired from driving so we just talked for awhile in the living room. It felt comfortable and normal pretty dang quick though, for having never met. Then I took him out to Thanksgiving Point and talked to turkeys and goats and froze our fingers off. Poor Californian. I probably gave him frost bite.

Anyway, then we went inside to the Dinosaur museum which was funner and warmer. (Yes, I know my idea of a date may sound like a field trip.) I love the dinosaur museum, especially THIS one. I love all of the kids' hands-on displays. And we had tons of fun. Then we realized if we did not hurry and leave half way through we would be late to Steph's semi-impromptu Bunny House Not At The Bunny House Party! So we rushed through the rest of the museum with plans to probably come back, hopped in the Jeep and headed north.

However, THAT was scary because I got sick and had to stop somewhere for a bathroom, and stopped at a Carl's Jr. Well, I was in there awhile and this MAN opens the door to the Women's restroom and I guess I THOUGHT he said "are you okay in there?" because I was sick but now I don't think he did, I don't know WHAT he started to say, but then he said "come out here and sit with me."
"Uhh, I'm fine. No thanks." [from inside a STALL feeling fully creeped out!!]
" Come out and have something with me. Let me buy something for you."
"No. No thank you."
"I'll be waiting out here."
"No."
"I'll be waiting."
"No."
Ummm... yeah. not a conversation you want to HAVE on the toilet. And when I came out, there he was some freeky creepy bald dude by the window as soon as I came out and said "you, come sit here by me."
"No."
"Are you alone?"
"No, I have someone in the car! And I have to go. Now."
"Come sit by my for a minute."
Yeah, I booked it out of there and jumped in the car and told Fresno "See that guy in the window?! HE IS CREEPY!!!" (I also pointed to Fresno as I drove by the window because Creepy WouldBe KidnapperMan totally was WATCHING and even though I would probably have said I wasn't alone even if I was it was nice to be RIGHT and I wanted to sort of rub it in scary mans face. Because Fresno could have TOTALLY taken him. hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

I was creeped out.
Felt almost kidnapped.
But dang it all, I am a girl with a CUTE GUY, so TAKE THAT!!!

Anyway THEN we went back to the Trax station to meet Steph and Janessa so she could drive to Alicia's house for Pizza. We played pool (badly) were entertained by Scooter and Alicia's (respective) kiddlets, and just hung out etc. Unfortunately, at this point, Fresno was practically dead. He was exhausted from not sleeping and then driving all day, and was hungry because he didn't think he wanted anything for lunch when he got to the house, and regretted it. He was NOT impressed with Scooter, however, because he has BIG issues with what he took as disrespect to women (and also because he was tired, didn't know the group well, and was misunderstanding the dynamic a little, but I still saw where he was coming from).

But yeah, he was falling asleep at the party, (NOT the party's fault, like I said) though I think he would have been happy to play with Scooter's little boy the WHOLE TIME, he just kept gushing about him the whole ride home (Fresno really wants babies).

So when we got home he pretty much crawled to bed in a coma and I went home. I told him to call me when he woke up and I'd come over asap.
(Then I told my mom to call me and wake me up so I could be awake and cute WHEN he called before. Hee hee hee!)

So this morning I went over to the Padres and had breakfast with Fresno before we checked out Cabela's because people kept saying "you should take him to Cabela's! That store is amazing!" And yes the store ended up being GIANORMOUS! But you know what was the coolest? He was so NOT impressed by all the dead things! I love NON-Hunters!!!!!!! SIGH! He's not a vegetarian, but totally agrees with my view on hunting for sport. So that was nice. Though we did have fun playing with puppets, making jokes about the camouflage dressed baby dolls, etc.

Then we went back to the padres because the family was having a huge football party to celebrate the big BYU vs. U of U football game. Now, I am not actually all that interested it normally but 1) there is a party involved 2) Richard LOVES Football 3) it is a big rivalry game 4) the game was SUPER DUPER intense!!!! 5) I was sitting with Richard's arm around my shoulders.

Okay, actually, the FIRST part we go downstairs to the party and there are all of these random cousins and stuff! Okay, I was not THINKING about that, and so now Fresno is ALL over the family gossip. Second of all my dad like SEATED us.... as in WAY separately. It was way funny. And then we made face at each other from behind my dad's head. But then some cousins moved finally and Fresno came over and we sat together. But the game was stressful and fun and then "we" one and we all were cheering and screaming and hugging it was just good.

Fresno was "supposed" to leave at 4, but stayed till after the game. And yeah... we DID kiss. And I really need to somehow get better at it, with out, you know, practicing on other people besides Fresno. ;O) Hee hee hee hee! Because I am a really bad kisser. But in my defense, I have only kissed one other boy prior to Fresno... and that was once, like ONE kiss... which I didn't kiss back. So really, Fresno was sort of the first boy *I* attempted to kiss BACK. SIGH.

But he left now. He drove away. But he said he WOULD come back! And maybe move here! And he still likes me! A lot! The exclamations are back!

I! So! Like! Fresno!

Tool

So I just got a call from Fresno (the person, not the place) that he was on his way here and was in Tooele (the place, not the person), but he called it "Tool" rather than the "correct" Utahn pronunciation of "Too-Ill-Uh." YAY!


I am so nervous!

Leftovers

The highlights because I SHOULD go to bed posthaste.

T-La's boys were adorable and funny and worship Spencer...

Mom made Cranberry stuff for the first time ever and it was yummy, actually...

Spencer has learned a song on the guitar...

Rinny ate mashed potatoes...

Jake and Megs are awesomley awesome...

The chocolate silk pie may KILL me but may be WORTH IT...

T-La seemed to feel it necessary to announce at least 5 times that she was done having children... after which dad, oblivious, totally asked if she would have 2 more by the time Spencer got home from Italy so THAT was secretly very amusing...

Megan and I talked about how we DON'T intend to talk about our (respective) reproduction with our families at Thanksgiving (hee hee hee hee!)...

We watched Cars and Over the Hedge...

Gabe made Jello all by himself and announced it in a low voice (because when you do grown up things you talk lower, apparently)...

Uncle Pat (not our real Uncle) and Uncle Lynn (our real Uncle) talked about movies and the war (not this one... Vietnam, mostly)...

I told Megs all about Fresno and told Jake PART of it but he was half asleep on the couch, being a bot and so only listened and made inappropriate comments to make us laugh then went back to sleep. Blame the trypophan...

it was a good Thanksgiving.

:O)


Now. If I can manage not to be nervous... and to SLEEP... and hope Fresno has fun tomorrow here. I just don't want to be boring... or too nervous... or... anything negative. I want it to be fun and funny...

and perfect. But you can't really bet on that.

Thanks-a-Giving!

I should give thanks ALL the time I am blessed as can be, but now is the season for it, so here you go!

I am truly grateful for...

1. The time I spend talking with my mom during Water Aerobics.
2. Steroid injections finally working for my 8 week headache!!!
3. Spencer's mission call to Milan, Italy.
4. Kind and ADORABLE flirting from Fresno, pretty much the CUTEST boy who has EVER liked me mutually!
5. Kettle Corn
6. The "COBRA" plan of keeping insurance I got through MyFamily.com that has probably kept me ALIVE this year. OH MY HECK. What a BLESSING!
7. Friends like Steph who is willing to listen to me whether I am babbling about boys or whatever... the mark of a true best friend. What would I do with out her on the other end of my IM?!
8. More peace in my mom's family with my grandma's passing, even after some trauma and drama my aunts and uncles are learning to talk to each other about it like grown ups.
9. Indoor Swimming Pools.
10. My BABIES! As in the Suggies. Seriously, they are my life. Have you seen how darling they are?
11. Entertainment that is actually FUNNY... ie: The Office.
12. Weight loss, though rare, is always fun. Especially when it STICKS. Yeah.
13. Having a good roomie. It's just nice not to worry about stuff.
14. The dogs. Yes, they are my roomie's. But they live here, too and I love these pups so much. They have hilarious personalities and they just crack me up. And of course, in addition to the dogs, the birds, my turtle, the gerbil, and the fish. I love having animals around me.
15. The number 7.
16. SoftLips.
17. FlyLady. I am TRYING. She is helping.
18. The gospel of Jesus Christ. Especially the basics. The parts that when the other stuff gets hard and I get shaky I can fall back on and start climbing back up again. Because I know Heavenly Father loves me... and so does his Son, Jesus Christ. Just remembering that, and keep on working toward them... following them. And following those that follow them better than me, because frankly, I am surrounded by fantastic examples.
19. Good DVDs that I can pop in while I am doing other stuff because I hate doing one thing at a time and... yeah. YAY for fun movies!
20. My parents supporting me financially through this really frustrating time of no work and no school since this health thing. With out them... well, I'd be really REALLY screwed. Because my savings is already almost gone ANYWAY even WITH help. (Hope nobody is counting on Christmas gifts!)
21. Clear-ish skin. It's true. I just don't really get zits much.
22. Tater tots and fry sauce. Yes, I know. I am such a Utahn.
23. Thick wheat bread for toasted cheese sandwiches
24. The Power of Preisthood Blessings, especially the direction given in Patriarchal Blessings.
25. Cranberry sauce.
26. Freedom and the United States of America!
27. Playing pool with the little cousins.
28. Jake's perfect devotion to Megs despite all odds, and the odds are often many! But HE is an awesome guy.
29. Megan being happy! Megan and her laugh! Megan and our countless private jokes.
30. Skittles... literally, but MOSTLY, figuratively. THE FRINGE WILL REAR AGAIN!!!!
31. Blogs of the most random people that are just fun to read!!!
32. CHOCOLATE.
33. British slang.
34. T-La the super mommy.
35. Also, Les, the super dad... and whatever genetic recipe gave the world THOSE 3 BOYS!!!!
36. Geeks!
37. My mission in Texas and the experiences there. Even the bad ones. I learned stuff. If nothing else, to LAUGH!!! If you don't laugh you cry. So very VERY VERY true.
38. BOOKS. Good literature.... reading... the BEST. I am such the hopeless bibliophile. I admit it. I helpless to resist a good Once Upon a Time....
39. Sugar-Free drinks that don't taste like it.
40. The IDEA of upside-down kisses from Spiderman. Are they really that great? Probably not. But come on now... Hmmmmm.... CURSE YOU TV, FOR PLAYING SPIDERMAN RIGHT NOW!!! Sigh. I LOVE this movie.
41. Well-trained and well-performed massage.
42. I am so grateful that I am not FORCED to watch ANY of these new holiday movies coming up. HOLY STUPID!
43. A working (most of the time) car. Even if my Jeep is pretty busted, it GOES.
44. History.
45. My hair growing back after Alopecia (this time, at least *knock on wood*)
46. Pumpkin ________ (Seeds, Pancakes, Rolls, Cookies, etc.)
47. A house full of house plants.
48. Brave men and women who join the armed forces, especially those in my family.
49. Scriptures.
50. Talented music people. Not ME, but people that ARE.
51. Cute boys.
52. My cell phone, especially text messaging.

(I really planned on being grateful for, like, 100 things. But I am tired of typing... and it is turning into the day AFTER Thanksgiving. So, I will just say:

ETCETERA

NEWS FLASH PART "DUE"

Little Elder Spencer will be preaching the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ in...

the Italy Milan Mission!
















And by the way, I looked it up, DUE is 2 in Italian. (Buon gusto means ENJOY) Anyway, YEAH! YAY for my little brother! COOL MISSION! He doesn't leave till MARCH, which seems forever away till him, really soon to my mom who is bawling all the time, and not soon enough to my Dad who seems convinced something will go wrong in that time. Hee hee! OH, and the padres have already decided we will take a family trip to PICK HIM UP! Granted that will be it 2009 and a wee bit ahead of ourselves to plan, but still, hey, ITALY!!!

I am proud of my little brother, really. He has lived an exemplary life that got him to this point and he is just AWESOME. I love that kid! And Milan?! THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a pretty dang cool mission.




Diabetically? Today was BAD BAD BAD BAD. As in I was JUST checking my levels and I was not even a number. My meter just said "Hi" which unfortunately means not "hello, I am such a friendly blood glucose meter!" :O) but rather number too HIGH to record as in over 500. Yeah. GRAND. So not feeling so great.

But I am still excited for Thanksgiving with the family...

and maybe even more so the day after with Fresno and friends! Mmmmm-Hmmmm... SIGH. I am so pathetic. But like I have said about a bazillion times he is just... sigh... yeah. Heart-melty or something. I don't know, I have yet to find an adequate set of adjectives for Fresno. Working on it.

Now if we can just manage not to break each others' hearts this weekend...

NEWS FLASH!

My baby brother is going on a Miiiiiiiiiission and in an hour we will all know where! He received his call from Church headquarters in the mail today and has not yet opened it yet because friends and family we are all meeting at 7 to be there with him when he does! So I will update this when I know where! EEEEEK!!!

YIPPEEEEEEE!!!!

In 8 weeks I have never not had a headache.

U N T I L. N O W.

That's right, people. Today I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything ELSE hurts, but my head doesn't! And really, even if the pain just MOVES I am okay with that!

This morning I had a neurology appointment, usually fruitless, but this time, even though I HATE shots, my mom asked him if he might TRY a steroid injection right into the muscle to stop the spasming. And guess what... IT WORKED.

Is it a permanent solution? Of course not. Long term, I need well, a whole new healthy healthy self. And especially a stronger, more flexible neck. Which leads me to the NEXT appointment of the oh so doctory day...

I am now in a NEW Physical Therapy Program with a general Wellness program and joining a NEW Physician's Assisted Weight Loss Program! And today was the first of the new PT program. The had me lift a bucket with weights in it with my HEAD! And other such ouchy things, but they will help... I hope. But holy hannah I am hurting SO BAD NOW, my muscles are so damn sore!!!

But after water aerobics I was drained and SICK SICK SICK... one thing I did NOT think about with the shot? Puts my blood sugar levels through the roof and not even insulin brought it down.

So now I am temporarily ( ihopeihopeihope) on injections because the solution to one problem causes another. BLEH BLEH BLEH!!! But still... the HEADACHE is gone, so hey...

However, my day has not been ALL about meds and docs (HOORAY!!!)

I have VERY CUTE CRUSHES and VERY TALENTED FRIENDS!!!

Yeah, ever hear of CR England? Big Trucking Company? Yeah, well, look long and hard at that logo because guess who's making the new one?! That's right STEPH!
HOW PROUD AM I?! So proud. I have a famous friend. So watch for her art ALL OVER THE COUNTRY driving next to you!

And yes, I am SOOOOO twitterpated with Fresno. And he is coming! on! Friday! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! He is just so... NICE. So sweet. He worries about me when I am hurt or sad and worries about my future. He thinks I am funny. He thinks I am cute. He is fun and flirty and GOOD... very good. He is better at church stuff than me, making ME want to do better... BUT hasn't always been so doesn't make me feel like he doesn't understand. I don't know... I just can't explain it all. I just really really LIKE Richard. A LOT.

So.... what do you feel about, ummm... re-gifting... poems? Because I wrote a poem song thing, well, last year. About another boy. But it TOTALLY applies MORE to Fresno... so... ummm... yeah, can it be his? Or is that too weird?

Mostly

I like to sip my milk from a sturdy Mason jar

I like watch folks at the store and wonder who they are

I like to name the lobsters in the tank, though they're for food

I like to read graffiti, even if I think it's rude.

But Mostly, I like you.

I like to buy a drink from local lemonade stands

I like to write to pen pals living in distant lands

I like to watch the tadpoles till they turn into frogs

I like to ignore joggers, but say Hello to their dogs

But Mostly, I like you.

You're almost all those good things that a girl like me needs

A crazy girl who reads much, star gazes and plants flower seeds

A boy who's almost silly as the girl writing this song

The girl she may just find she likes that boy her whole life long.

this is going to be a long GIRLY week!

My computer hates me tonight. With no warning the screen went blank and GREEN! Twice now! WHAT THE?!

So I am not too fond of it, either! GRRRRRR! I wish I knew computers.
SIGH.

Anyway, I admit my mind is elsewhere anyway. (3 guesses where)
Due to some rescheduling Fresno is NOT coming to Thanksgiving... BUT he is coming the NEXT day and may stay Saturday too! So it's all good! (In fact got in a semi-argument with my mom about a HYPOTHETICAL relationship having an imaginary crisis which was both funny and irritating and we ended up being annoyed at each other yet laughing. But that is neither here nor there) ANYWAY, yeah, so he is coming to play Friday! And maybe staying Saturday! YAY! I am excited... AND NERVOUS.

And where *was* Willy Wonka in all this?!

Yesterday was a good-ish day, just long. And I am a bit preoccupied. But anyway, I just thought I would tell you because of my little Sister's work me and mom got to go with her to a CHOCOLATE EXPO!!! FOR REAL, she had to do research and we got to help! By help, it meant take a few pictures and eat samples. So that was cool. But mostly we just got to go because she got to. Now, the samples were YUUUUMMY but I was disappointed with the lack of everything being edible... and Oompa-Loompas... and stuff like that. And it just wasn't quite as fun to GO to booths touting the best chocolate as a Diabetic (not that I didn't do a fair amount of of delicious cheating.)

Anyway, that was the Chocolate Show. Then I had Physical Therapy. You know how people always talk about how impersonal medical care has become? Not mine. Mine has become WAY too personal. I have been fighting with doctors who have let their personal biases interfere with even looking at what MIGHT be wrong with me. Then I have a jerk of a Orthopedic Specialist, Dr. BreakfastMeat who refuses to try to help so I get another one who does help. So my PT who is AWESOME refers me to another one who DOES listen and gets me a program but recommends a different center than my PT works at... and so now the Awesome PT is totally offended.

EVERYBODY STOP TAKING THINGS SO PERSONAL! I JUST WANT TO STOP HURTING!!! (You know... like my HEAD?! It has nothing to do with my desire to insult various doctor egos?! qwrnihtnpqewv5g2tvmnt5 lp!!!!!!!!!)

So that part of the day was less than stellar.

Other than that... oh, I bought shoes at REI. Makes me sound way more wildernessy than I was feeling because sadly they were just SUNDAY shoes. But STILL.

Then I went to a little LinkUp party. It was funny, but short because my mom took me... but then, I almost didn't go. My parents heard I was planning and knew how my therapy went and how my head was and basically went into a worry tizz. But mom needed to take around some dead Grandma stuff to various cousins in the same area as the party, so, like a 10 year old she drove me to the party (with me laying down in the back) and picked me up. Dorky? Yes. But better, I suppose, than crashing or something.

As for today... I have been cleaning. Yeah, so exciting. Well, cleaning and stressing about how if things do not get move FORWARD with Fresno at Thanksgiving, if we don't totally hit it off, then I basically feel like I may lose one of the best things I have ever had this week. So yeah. A lot of scary here.

HATES.

(You can blame Eric Snider. Because really, I find this HILARIOUS to do. Yet, still, you know, unhilarious how stupid these things are. But hilarious. You can do one, too.)

The Boy I can Say I Love to Out LOUD

Happy OOOP Day, Heebs! ((Observed) Out of Pouch) OOP Day is sort of the marsupial equivalent of a birthday. Not that that they don't HAVE birthdays, they just are a little harder to track than when they come out of pouch and so we celebrate OOP days. Only the thing is I didn't KNOW my little Heber when he came OOP... he was a rescue much later in his life. He'd been sold in Texas swap meets, lived on birdseed in a hamster cage, and basically is a true testament to his will power and luck and the help of LOTS of wonderful glider friends! But today, 2 years ago, is when I adopted my little boy Heber Lyman Nester the Molester, and I would just like to give him his due. I love this little guy. I love all my "kids" so much I can't imagine my life without these critters. They are a big commitment, and often a pain... but they are worth it. They are worth it to me, anyway. Seriously, look at his FACE! But besides that, they have saved my life more than I should admit.





In other news...

*I have a new physical therapy treatment plan and am getting a new dietitian and have a new orthopedic specialist that is not the uber arrogant idiot Dr. BreakfastMeat. (GRRRRRRR!) YAY!!! Maybe this can not just fix my head but get me back on track? ihopeihopeihopeihope. SIGH.

*Fresno really is coming to Thanksgiving! And how adorable is THIS? He asked what we wanted him to BRING! "Other than the turkey..." I told him , no, he needed to cook a turkey and drive it from California. *rolls eyes* So cute. SIGH.
Yes. I am pathetic. But really, I just... well, I am still sort of in shock that he likes me. We'll see if it holds after he MEETS me.

*I would literally cut off my leg for some peanut brittle. Okay, that isn't so much NEWS. Or true. But I want some. Now, though neither in line with my diet nor what we were talking about... I just have a major craving for some. Now.

*It is Thursday. Therefore...
13 States I have either lived in or visited for more than a day or 2
1. Utah
2. Arizona
3. New Mexico
4. Nevada
5. California
6. Idaho
7. Montana
8. Wyoming
9. Illinois
10. Texas
11. Hawaii
12. Missouri
13. Louisiana

Fresno in Utah

Because of family changes plans more than most people change underwear...

We will not be doing Disneyland:

*My stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid head hates me and I would likely be in terrible pain most of the drive and most of the rides.
*Rinny really needs to work mostly anyway.
*Spencer's papers are in and he may actually GET his mission call THAT WEEK and we don't really want to miss that if he does, apparently.

We WILL be having Thanksgiving dinner at our house:

*Megs and Jake will come!
*T-La, Les, and the cutest little boys IN THE WORLD will come!
*Other people will be invited too, but not sure if they will come, like Shy and her Girlfriend!
*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND... that's right, Fresno is coming to Thanksgiving Dinner at the Padres'. I really really hope it's cool!

I told him I was nervous, but then we decided that the tryptophan and the nutmeg oughta mellow us? hee hee hee hee hee! Okay, in general we just had a really silly giggly conversation like usual. Which we do a lot. Because really... ARRRRRGH... HE IS SO CUTE!!!!!

And he likes me! And I like him! And he keeps teasing me about it! SIGH!

I. am. so. smitten.

does not compute!

I admit the majority of my relationshipial knowledge comes from sitcoms and chick flicks. Yes, I have parents, and every once in awhile I reference their relationship (usually TO them) in relation to mine to which my mom usually says "yes, but, you're dad and I are not normal." Hello, I think I know THAT! The funny thing is, my mom and I are a LOT alike in many ways, relationship-wise. Not in the kind of guy we like (sorry, Freud.), but well, when my dad proposed to my mom she got mad, started crying and said "That's not very funny, David!" And I think that says a lot about HER ability to not panic and deal with boys. Hee hee! They dated off and on with various freak outs for about 3-4 years.

So I come by my boy phobia naturally. (Except that Mom was a Lip Slut. And I sure missed THAT gene. Or rather the boys missed OUT!)

But my point is that every sitcom tells me that the boy is supposed to dread meeting the family. The girl is supposed to be all "Come on honey, they'll love you!" and the boy is all "but your dad has all those guns" and the girls is all "Daddy? Awww, he's just a big softy when you get to know him" and predictable zany hi-jinx ensues.

So WHY, when I like a boy, does he basically say "Kipluck, I'd really like to spend Thanksgiving with you and your family and play that week. What can we do about that?"

I WANT to... though I am super nervous... however NOT sure how my DAD is going to react to an extra addition to our vacation plans. So I just haven't told Dad.

Bearing a Pall

Yesterday was very very long. It was nice to see so many cousins. And in general it was nice, actually, the funeral. I mean, the service was overtly LDS and so the whole thing was just a feeling of happiness and peace for Grandma to get to be back with Grandpa at last. We believe in eternal families. So that was pretty big, and it meant a lot, and so it wasn't like weeping and wailing. Just talking about happy times. However, there was still sad stuff. I mean, besides the in general being dead thing. With the whole Mormon thing, I felt bad for my Aunt Shy. Everybody's spouses are listed, but her partner wasn't. I don't agree with her choice, but I don't think she should be treated like she was. Because it was just all... well gossipy.

SIGH.

Anyway, other than that it was pretty good. Funniest part was when Spencer found out he was going to be a pallbearer and yelled out "Oh! Crap! I've never born pall!" Hee hee hee!

Later Fresno called me, but I missed it! Still made me feel happier though. I think I am falling pretty hard core for him and that is strange but fun! We have been chatting more, writing more, pathetically dreaming more.... oh that may just be me. Hee hee hee hee hee!

Confessions of a Girly-Girl

I am turning silly, sappy, and high-maintenance. Seriously, what is DEAL?! It was a couple days and normally WHO CARES, people do not NEED to write everyday... but with weird High-Maintenance Kipluck (she tends to surface if I really like a boy) it's all "shoot. He doesn't like me any more."

Or, you know, his mom could be in the HOSPITAL! Yeah. She was recovering from surgery, fell in the hospital and has to have another surgery! Plus, you know, a JOB. (I, on the other hand, fill my time with doctors, physical therapists, and messing around online so days tend to go reeeeeally slowly for me right now) Anyway, poor Fresno. <:O(

Did I mention that even more now I think he is wonderful? Adorable? Funny? Cute? I am so freaking twitterpated. SIGH! Oh my heck. I am pathetic.

But this I know, IF we get to go to Disneyland we are SO trying to meet.

Body, You'll be Sorry!!!

I know! It is late! Or early! But it just so happens I went to bed hours ago. HOURS... like 3 hours ago and I am bored. Not sleeping, yet being in bed, is very very boring. I feel so bad for those little kids parents send to bed when they are not tired. Never mind that their little legs won't stop wiggling! Okay, so maybe not every child sent to bed early also has Restless Leg Syndrome. But I do, and did back then too (so there) though not as bad as now when it is REALLY DANG ANNOYING and right now meds are not helping.

It is just one of those factors that does NOT help insomnia. I am laying here and my legs can not stop JIGGLING, they feel crawly and pins and needley if I don't move them. It happens in the day too, but never as bad as at night when it is out of control when it almost HURTS I need to wiggle so bad, sometimes even after I fall asleep they wake me up JIGGLING.

No wonder I have dancer calves... my legs are exercising WITHOUT ME!!!!

I want to scream right now. Instead I just... type. Type and jiggle and pray for my body to be so exauhsted that I just fall asleep regardless. SIGH. I have things to DO tomorrow, you know, Body. Sleeping all day is not an option. Physical therapy for YOUR dumb neck and head for one, so don't blame me. AAAARGGGHH.

I feel like thinks are popping in my muscles... like popcorn under my skin but the longer I try to ignore it and hold still the worse it gets. How am I supposed to fall asleep with that? The fact is, I am NOT. Doctors are giving me various crap to try but this particular selection does NOT. Can we say placebo?

And then there is the normal insomnia of me... ie: my mind has 4,000 thoughts in it going a billion miles an hour and they don't like for me to sleep. It's not that I am not tired, so much, it is that my anxiety disorder gives my brain far too much to do (even when I am thinking of happy things... case in point: Fresno.) to even consider being tired.

And so it is almost 4 am and I am awake. My legs are creating a small earthquake, and my brain feels plenty awake and like I should go run errands (Wal*Mart? IHOP? What else is open? Not that I HAVE errands at IHOP but I would love a crepe, too bad that would be very bad for blood sugar levels that I need to get under control again after cheating with Smarties) but I know better as I WILL crash before my real appointment times and then I will feel sick when I need to be places on purpose so it is a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose-lose situation.

Mmmm... crepes... it is a dang good thing that IHOP does NOT have a drive-through. I am too embarrassed by social stigma to go and just eat breakfast at a sit down restaurant alone, but I can guarantee if there was a drive-through I would have a crepe before I even finished this blog post.

ANYWAY, maybe I will take a very hot bath and try to boil the wiggles out of my jumpy legs. I don't know that that works, but it is something else to try, and I don't have any leeches. SIGH.

When did I become High Maintanance?

BLECK. Well, so much for the pretty weather! Now it is windy and cold and hazy. Oh well. It IS November.

As for the family, things ARE being worked out. Oy. Anyway, they are doing better and figuring out the funeral, at least. My mom is up with them now. They are working on arrangements. Dumb dysfunctional people that they are.

SIGH. FlyLady would kick my butt (lovingly, I am sure). I have fallen off track in a big way and I need to gain control again, I just feel... bleh. I am just tired and overwhelmed and also my meds are needing an adjustment but I am waiting on a doctor's appointment... also I need some chocolate. (Which luckily I bought some cheater sticks that I am allowed as they are 7 grams)

OH and PS...

because I like this idea of "Thursday's 13" I think mine, because I am really really silly today will be... 13 things I like about the Cutie that is Fresno...
1. He likes animals
2. He's hilarious
3. He has beautiful blue eyes
4. He has hot red hair
5. He thinks *I'M* hilarious
6. Active in the church
7. Just plain random
8. Big family
9. Wants kids
10. Super nice
11. Wears killer Halloween make up well
12. Thinks I am cute the way I am
13. NOT BORING!!!

However...

My feelings are tumbling around like things in a dryer. Goods and Bads all mixed together in my head and my heart.

Grandma, Francis Bills, My mom's mom, DID die last night. And so my mom's family is having fits over the funeral (which, NO, I do NOT want to sing at THANK YOU VERY MUCH, NO!) and who should say what and various unnecessary drama and hurt feelings and adults acting like spoiled children.

However, the weather today is beautiful and Fresno, my so-cute crush sent me a ridiculously cute picture of him in an old-timey night dress and cap for no real reason but it made me silly and girly and giddy.

However my appointment with the Orthowhatsit doctor was STUPID...

However my physical therapy was pretty good and I am making progress....

However I still have a headache....

However I have a good book...

[gentleman] callers...

I just got off the phone with my mom, a much more sobering call than the one this morning. Grandma is dying right now it looks like. It is a good thing, I know. She is an active lady, this is never how she wanted to live. She is ready. But it is still unreal, you know? Grandma and her 5 daughters and 2 sons... one of those, my mom... one of those Meg's mom. I mean, this is GRANDMA. It is crazy. Mom says nothing is "wrong" with her... no infection. She has just shut down.

I don't want to be old.

I would rather die young and tragic than that. Old age is terrifying... Alzheimer's scares me so bad. It scares my mother ever worse. She already feels it. It is a crippling fear.

On a much happier topic, Fresno did call me this morning and we talked. It was just silly and FUN! We talked about silly stuff... our voices, ages... online dating. Old TV shows. Me. How much he likes me. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! He makes me feel gorgeous. SIGH. How DOES he do that?

He says the cheesiest things too... but he is so dang GOOD at it! SIGH. How does he turn me so girly?!

allergic to simplicity?

I love The Ark where I live. But today I am sort of wishing I was in my last place the Han[g]over House. In my bedroom in the Han[g]over House I had a big closet that I could crawl behind my clothes and hide and cry. Not the most mature way to handle life, but today I feel like crying in that closet. And I know there is happy stuff... REALLY happy stuff. But SIGH. I just... my brain is upside-down right now.

Okay, here is the thing... Grandma is in the hospital again. She isn't even TALKING or anything, and has really strict DNRs... basically all we are doing now is making sure she isn't in pain. My Grandma is dying. My other grandparents died when I was little, but this is different. This is GRANDMA. And my poor MOM... I just... I feel awful for HER going through this with her own mom. It's crazy. Mom is there with her now. Dad is out of town *shocker, I know* on a big golf trip *double shocker* and I am leaving in a minute for my doctor's appointment. There is a guy here fixing our washing machine. Mom asked me to swing by and fix her computer and fax machine afterwards. Life goes on... but Grandma Bills is dying. Our family is hurting.

On the other hand, part of me, the girly selfish part is on cloud nine. Last night I chatted with Fresno and it was just... so GOOD. I think I really really really really really really really really like this boy. And we talked about deeper stuff, too... harder stuff for me, Miss Nonseriouso. It was very good. He is so... SIGH! And we set a time to talk-talk... like on the PHONE! So I am giggley and girly and it's all I can do to keep from singing and watching chick flicks.

On the other hand (because I apparently I am an OCTOPUS!), do I really believe it will "end happily?" No, not really. I wish I did. But part of me still feels that whole "He gives flowers to everyone" and "in His time" and "in this life or the next" kicking me in the shins the whole way in an effort to be helpful. Years have told me not to get my hopes up. Cynicism? Realism? Fatalism? I don't know, but it is on everyone's faces, including my own when I gush about how cute Fresno is.

TOO cute. You know? I feel a pro-con list coming on...

If everyone's Special

So this song just came on and it made me think a lot...

He Gives Flowers to Everyone
(Cherie Call - Tyler Castleton)

She didn't try to catch the bouquet
She knows it's not her turn, and it's okay
Usually it doesn't even cross her mind
That's what she likes to tell her friends anyway
But she can finally say, maybe it was for the best
And there are lots of things she hasn't even missed
Now and then she starts to feel alone
But then she looks outside
She knows she's got roses of her own

Cause He gives flowers to everyone
Not just the girlfriends or the brides
He sees the beauty deep inside
And He gives flowers to everyone

She hangs up the green satin dress
She laughs at how they're always out of style
It was just like all the others in the line
And when they asked her she told them
She'd never been more fine
But still she wonders what it would be like
To talk to someone when she gets home late at night
Sometimes she likes to pray out loud
That's when she knows she's not the only girl alone in a crowd

Cause He gives flowers to everyone
Not just the clever or the elegant
Her cares will never be irrelevant
He gives flowers to everyone

And when they're out of season, she has snow
And when she's in the desert where they hardly ever grow
He gives her diamonds in the midnight sky
Season after season, His love will never die

He gives flowers to everyone
Not just the mothers and the wives
He sees the beauty in our lives
And He gives flowers to everyone

This is one of those times that is meant to be inspirational and make you feel better. But in a way it makes me feel worse on days like this. I am feeling lonely today and it is like the phrase "in this life or the next" or something that really doesn't feel all that helpful thanks anyway. Anyway... I am in a MOOD.

I did go to (part) of Church though. That is good. Church is good. Relief Society was about the importance of continually Learning. I am glad I went, though my head felt horrible. I got more info on what they wanted me to do for my church calling (volunteer job for church) as Compassionate Service. Basically, I send out birthday cards. Or if someone has been sick a long time then they plan to make meals or something which, as the girl tells me,"has never happened... oh, except you, but we just found out. So we should have been doing stuff for you. I guess we still could?" I told her no thank you, I was fine. I went home and cried an hour or 2.

I know God loves me. I know that his teachings through the church can help my life. It is just frustrating right now. Normalcy seems a long way off still. And the people that make me FEEL normal and social aren't exactly right next door either. I shouldn't feel so alone. I just do.

"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can fly only by embracing each other." L. deCrescenzo