So my stupid plane got DELAYED and then so did our luggage (but at least they didn't LOSE it). So I didn't get into my hotel till around 3:30 and didn't go right to sleep either. SO my whole plan of "treating" him to a birthday breakfast (that comes with my room) and I had a candle to stick in a sweet roll or something, well, crap I totally slept in and didn't even make it in time for ANY breakfast.
Oh well. Instead, when Fresno came over we went to Sweet Tomatoes then back to Fresno's to meet the giant dogs. They were, quite possibly BIGGER than the pictures seem to indicate. Biggest dogs I have EVER seen. But they were very sweet, too, so no worries. He showed me all they had done with the bathroom and stuff (he's been working SO hard to spruce up his new little house that he bought). We talked about fish, mapquested the way to the cave, played with
the dogs, etc. We looked at photo albums (and some of those pictures OH MY HECK of him (like the one when he used to have an earring... and a big girly one at that... with that and a Poison shirt and a near-mullet) had me laughing so hard I was almost crying.But then we were talking and that part scares me because like I told him, I don't know what to tell him. The house thing hasn't gone well... and that means he may be in California for a YEAR. And he has been effectively offered the guard job. With choices of various locations (all in Cali). And he wanted to know what to do... where to choose...
My brain wanted to say "Whatever. It's your life. It doesn't much matter to me where you live."
But I know that isn't completely true. Not really. We were talking about it... about him not wanting to make decisions that would keep us apart longer...
He had this map and kept showing me places where he could work and telling me what the places were like. Things like "...it's a little cooler there... it snows like in Utah..." or "...this is close to the coast. You like the beach..."
I know he wanted me to say "yeah, I would move there!"
But I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't even say anything helpful. I just said stuff like "yeah, I don't know... well, maybe you could just take it temporarily... I don't know..." I just babbled. And it's still true... I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I am tired. Not sleepy, just mentally, emotionally, TIRED. I am scared to even play tomorrow because we will probably have to talk about it again. And I should have something to say. I have been praying about it, but, not surprisingly for me, got nothing from that. So I thought maybe writing about it, but no. I feel like swearing.
I really like Fresno, in fact I probably love him. I love being with him... or at least when he is not making my brain hurt like this I do. I think we will end up together. But I also think *I* am not ready for that.
I want my stomach to stop doing flip-flops when he tries to plan his life around what would be good for "us." I am feeling that right now.
I am feeling a little like running away now. But I am in California. And I can't not answer my phone to avoid discussing things because he KNOWS I am here... I have no CAR.
I should sleep.
But I want to write ALL about today! But writing about my FEELINGS today is taking up all my time and energy. Yuck. Put those on hold for a minute.
We went to Pirates 3 (LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT!!!!!) which was FANTASTIC... as was when the Transformers preview came on and Fresno SQUEELED like a little girl and it looked like he may pee his pants he was so excited. That was geekily adorable. SIGH.Then we drove around downtown Fresno (the place, not the nick name... because, umm, dirty...) and he was hilarious in his tour guidedness. Like HISTORIES of the buildings. IT WAS AWESOME. But the coolest was we turned a corner just in time to be RIGHT in front of the end of a baseball game with AWESOME FIREWORKS!!! You could NOT have planned the perfection. We were laughing and cheering so much at the RANDOMNESS of finding fireworks. SO COOL.
Then we went back to my hotel, looked at pictures on my laptop, and he went home. And I got online to write out my day. And have a mental break down. It is late now... 1:30 CA time, but 2:30 at home. I just didn't want to go to bed with out some sort of... plan... decision... SOMETHING. Because I don't know what to say tomorrow and even if he DOESN'T ask me again what to do I feel like I *should* say something.
I am feeling VERY unstable at the moment though.
I just... I don't know. I was feeling pretty good with this whole Live and See plan. But a year... and besides that, HE doesn't want that, not at all... and I really don't want him to see THIS as, like, a lack of interest in HIM or something... and I just don't know. I don't know anything. And I am not getting answers... but I wouldn't really call it a stupor of thought either. ARRRGH.
I am going to bed, I guess. But I haven't a bloody clue what I am going to say think or feel tomorrow and that scares the crap out of me. The End.
I want Jack's compass.
ReplyDeleteMore than that, though, I want for everyone to be happy. Guess that's not realistic.
BUT, y'know BA, Fresno knows you pretty well and he probably knows you started freaking out over the year thing ... so ... yeah. Just be straight with him about being confused. :) It's okay. Especially if you slip in there "I'm confused but I love you." hehehe.
Yay for fireworks!
You already know my opinion... but yeah... go with Stewie's suggestion (even though she thinks I should grab the Boy's butt... which would be VERY dis-ass-terous...)
ReplyDeleteALSO... answers don't always come right away or in the way we expect them too. Sometimes we don't feel like we'll get an answer, but in reality, we just need to proceed with caution until we do... trusting that the Lod will never let us get farther than we are suppose to into something.
We also have to make the decision before praying. The Lord isn't really going to TELL us what to do, because that's going to take away our agency.. but He will tell us if our decision is right or wrong.
And I think that you shouldn't have to help him decide about the two of you right now - actually... I have a really strong opinion about this which would probably come off as selfish and mean, so I'm going to keep it to myself.
Love you!
Just tell him what you said in your blog: "I was feeling pretty good with this whole Live and See plan. But a year... and besides that, HE doesn't want that, not at all... and I really don't want him to see THIS as, like, a lack of interest in HIM or something... and I just don't know. I don't know anything. And I am not getting answers... but I wouldn't really call it a stupor of thought either. ARRRGH."
ReplyDeleteEverything will be fine.
I...uh...gave you my input earlier. But I still stand by it. :)
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked pirates!
Steph said:
ReplyDelete"And I think that you shouldn't have to help him decide about the two of you right now - actually... I have a really strong opinion about this which would probably come off as selfish and mean"
and obviously I don't know her,
(at least I don't think I do) ;-)
but I agree, even if I don't know why she thinks her opinion is selfish. Because I bet it's not selfish.
If you don't have any thoughts about it, then you don't. I say that with caution, but mostly because I don't trust myself with that sort of thing at times. Decisions that involve someone else. But really, the primary stewardship in the decision involves him. And since you do truly seem to care about him, in the unselfish sort of way, he will figure out the right answer for him. And you probably don't need to worry about it. (for what it's worth.) If there's anything he needs to hear from you, I bet as long as you're doing your best at being yourself, and praying about it as you always seem to be doing, he'll end up hearing it.
Because, like Steph said,
"ALSO... answers don't always come right away or in the way we expect them too."
Please don't beat yourself up over this. Not that you were, but I just wanted to say it, in case you were.
(((hugs)))
Hermy
Aye. This stuff came up with Todd and I, too. He was in St George finishing up school. He said he would transfer to Provo to be closer to me, but that would be over a year away. We talked about me moving down to St. George. I prayed about it FOREVER. I never got that earth-shattering "THIS IS THE ONE! DO IT!" answer I was waiting for. The lack of an answer that it was wrong made me take that leap of faith.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you guys have been having a blast. I love fireworks. :)
Just breath woman, breath and enjoy your time with him right now. (so much easier said then done, don't I know it!)
ReplyDeleteKeep praying about things and I'm SO happy you liked Pirates!