I'm losing interest real fast.She Poured Out her Heart:
Dear [Fresno],He Did, too:
I know the most logical thing to do would be to call. But I can't
really think and talk at the same time. And letters help me sort my
thoughts. And so, yeah, I am emailing.
Problem is, I still don't really know what to say.
I am not good at the relationship thing. And long distance makes it a
lot worse. I don't call or email as often as I even THINK I am. It's
not really an "out of sight, out of mind" thing. You are usually on
my mind... especially lately. But with day camps I don't notice the
time as much, and usually don't really sit down till late and then
think "I have so much to say, I won't write or call right now. I'll
wait till I have the time to really talk or write a longer letter."
But then it IS later and I haven't.
Also, sometimes I don't talk when I am not sure my thoughts on things.
Like I don't want to say anything untrue so I wait, trying to figure
out the right way to say stuff, and the right time. And then I miss
the opportunity, I guess.
Here are the things I have been thinking of... but afraid to talk
about in case I am wrong or whatever, since I don't know for sure how
to figure everything out:
I don't think we can (successfully) date much longer with out more
"face time." Like just time doing hanging out stuff... not vacation
stuff, just being around. We know each other pretty well, but still
really haven't spent THAT much time together. I won't pretend I
wouldn't rather you move here. But, also, if you really want to do
the prison thing, well, that is important. So I understand that.
I have sort of been deciding to move to California... at least after
Day Camp and Field Trip season at TGP... like the Winter... and at
least for a little while. But I will be honest, even THAT scares me.
I am scared to be away from my friends and my family... my support
system. And I am still trying to figure out what to do about my
But the thing is, I want to try. Because I care more about you than,
well, anyone ever before. And I think I love you.
But I am relationshiptarded. And when I don't know what, or how, to
say something, I tend to... just... NOT.
That being said, I really don't want to screw this up. Even though I
admit I am mildly terrified to talk on the phone about this and how
sad this email made me feel, I am home from work and both online AND
near a phone. So after you read this, even if it's super late, call
I just finished looking up my maps for work tomorrow and read your email. I would call but I have to get up early so not a good idea tonight. I have like a million thoughts going through my head. Yes I do want to relocate and if it's for the job with Corrections that would make me happy. I did have a great time both times I visited you in Utah. Your visit out here was equally fun. I had a great time. But I'm just feeling more of the whole friend vibe thing going on here.
I have to be honest. I love your personality and character. Who you are is what I dig. But relationships have other parts that need to be there, too. Romantically, I'm struggling. By your kiss, I don't really feel like your "into" me. I always know if a girl is truly into me by their passionate kisses. Your kisses seem scared of me.
And I do realize that you don't do a whole lot of girly stuff (like makeup and such). Maybe that's not very important to you but a man likes to see a girl get all dolled up for him. I mean a little mascara to bring out your eyes and some lipstick to eccentuate your full lips is not too much. I feel like from your pictures when I met you that I misinterpreted them. It seems like you only do that sort of stuff if you're dressing up for halloween or the navy girl.
And mostly I feel that we only talk if I call. I do admit that I let some time pass to see if you would call but you didn't. Relationships are reciprocal. Even a quick note from email lets one know that you were thinking about them or a quick message on a cell phone.
Why don't we think about this for a day and evaluate where we are at and what we want out of this. You can mail me back but I won't get it until tomorrow night and I'd like you to call me sometime Saturday afternoon. Please don't be offended but I had to let you know what I'm feeling inside, too.
I hope you know that my eyes are pretty water logged over this but NOT
because of you, because of the situation. You have to be honest about
it too, after all. So don't worry, I am SAD, but not OFFENDED. You
could not offend me.
One snaffoo, I am teaching all Saturday. Is there another time? (if
you still want me to call?)
The make up thing, well, I can change. It is true, I really only wear
it when I am dressing up because I feel weird in it... not even
pretty, just like awkward. But I can wear it more (though, it is
likely to LOOK like Rosie as I don't really KNOW "my colors" and
such)... if that would change things.
And I can definitely could call more. You want to know the stupidest
reason for that? I KNOW this makes no sense, but very often I think
of calling and think "No, I don't want to bother him. When he wants
to talk, he'll call me." I do it to my friends, too. They get so
annoyed and tell me "if your calls annoyed me I would just not
answer" but it's a little insecurity/phobia thing I have. I could
call much more often, if that would change things. If that would be
But the stuff I don't know how to change:
The kissing... I don't know how to kiss more "into you." I honestly
don't. If my kisses seem scared, it's because they are. I am scared
of relationships. I am less scared of relationships with you than
anyone ever before, but I am still nervous. And totally
inexperienced. I GOT kissed once before meeting you... my 19 year old
alcoholic ex-hardly-counts-as-a-boyfriend kissed me once before I ranaway and never came back. And I didn't even kiss him back. You were
the first guy I TRIED to kiss. Maybe with more practice I would kiss,
like, I don't know... "make-out-type" kissing or something. I don't
know. Never been to that point. This has been all new territory for
me, [Fresno]. I don't even KNOW for SURE what I feel... I don't mean
it to be Friend Vibes. But maybe it's the only Vibes I know how to
put out. I don't know.
I am not telling you al this hoping it FIXES THINGS. (that would be
awesome, obviously. These past months have been some of the best) I
just... wanted to lay it out, you know? Yeah.
Pretty sure it is still over. I went to work all of an hour before crying and feeling too nauseous to think and telling them I had to leave.
My heart and stomach, PHYSICALLY, hurts SO BAD.