Monday, May 7, 2007

A Handy Guide

I am glad to be back at work. For one thing because it is out of my flooded house. Also because there are new babies! Piglets! Gosling! Etc. But poor, poor Pepper is STILL pregnant. How pregnant? Well, THIS was her BEFORE I WAS SICK. Yeah. I am pretty sure she is going to someday just give birth to 2 fully grown goats.

So those of you, my friends who are preggy, feel free to look at this picture when you feel fat and crappy and thank your Heavenly Father you are not a goat.

ANYWAY, as it is Monday I thought it was a good time to teach you about my job. Consider this a virtual
employees handbook!

Helpful Safety Warnings:

1. If you smell something bad...

on the farm, it's probably animal poop. Ignore it.
on the tractor, have a farmhand check it because Rinny may have broken it.

in the office, it is the printer that will, most likely start a fire and kill us all someday. Unplug it and leave ANOTHER note that it really needs to be replaced, for REAL this time.

2. *Sinatra, the pony foal, bites HARD. He also eats buttons and coats.
*All the turkeys EXCEPT Tom, bite. Tom likes to be rubbed on the head.
*Eeyore the Donkey bites when he thinks he can get away with it (ie: small children), but is otherwise good.
*Meagan aka: Molly McButter is the cream colored goat. She is evil. She will butt and
gore you if you are in the pen. Holding her horns will not stop her. Spanking her will just make her madder. Scolding does nothing. EVIL.
*Most of the chickens nip.
*The pigs love adults but can eat children. Seriously.
* Most of the geese are all show about hissing and being brats. Unless they have babies or eggs and then they are SCARY. Stay on the left side of the pond as the right
side is their favorite nesting area.
*The "bulls" are just beef steers and are sweethearts. Don't be scared of them. Just
fear the cute little baby pony and innocent looking goats.

How to use the Restroom in the red show barn:

1. Tell someone where you are going in case you never come back they can know
where to start the search. Take your cell phone as the doors occasionally lock you inside.
2. Feel around the corner of the wall of the pitch black bathroom even though you know full well there IS no light switch and that when not open for a function like a dance it is 1. motion sensor and 2. delayed so that even if you do jumping jacks in
there it will turn on 15 minuets later.
3. Grumble about there being no light switch.
4. feel along wall until you find a stall, feeling, also lower to be sure there is toilet
paper in there. If your hand is wet you have reached too low and stuck your hand in the toilet. You will just have to do this all over if you leave to wash it, so just paper it off until you are done.
5. know...
6. Do not try to flush. They are motion activated and chances are in trying to flush
you will stick your hand in the toilet again anyway.
7. Feel your way to the sinks. At this point, if you have taken long enough to potty the lights will finally turn on. So will the air freshener. Standing too close may cause asphyxiation.
8. Remind yourself that THIS is why you usually hold it until it is time to clock out and you can go in the brightly lit, NORMAL public restrooms at Farm Country.

CAST! (a guide to your co-workers and cow-workers)

Rinny - Boss! Education Director. Apparently can not fire somebody to save her life.

"John Wayne was Tall..."

Dave - Scout guy. Pretty awesome, when he is in our department. He doesn't WORK for Rinny, just WITH her. He is more with USU Extensions. But he is such a teacher type and rocks with the teenagers and 4-H.

SGary - Museum Director AND Farm Manager. A total suit who looks HIGH-LARIOUS on a tractor. He doesn't really like animals... messes... children... or people. GREAT choice. We miss Mac!!!! Waaaaaah!

Rerun - Idiot boy. He randomly hides from his shifts or gives kids and teachers wrong information habitually. Rinny needs to fire him. She knows this. OH, and he thinks he is Jim on the Office, but is really more like Andy. He kept trying to talk me into putting SGary's things in Jello. But I didn't feel like causing MORE problems. So he put MY stuff in Jello. WHEN I WASN'T there. So it just meant inconveniencing Rinny. She washed it off before I even came back.

Stewbert 2 - a new girl who, I swear, Stewie, is your TWIN. She is funny, too. I rather like her. When I said "you seriously look, and sound, JUST like my friend [Stewie]." She said "Really? What modeling agency does she work for?"

HotShawn - new boy. Rinny already pretty much has a crush on him. He IS cute, and pretty good at the job, too. YAY! I wish he had more hours.

Others would be Janekke, CrazyConnie, GrandmaBetsy, Boston, Cowboy Matt, and Reena. (the last 2 are more of cow-workers than co-workers, as they are technincally Farm, not Education, but anyway.


  1. hahahahahaha ... now *that's* awesome. modeling agency ... *snicker* I told kiddo and she giggled.

  2. Hee hee.... geeze... I've never read an employee handbook THAT funny...

    I'm glad you're back though!

  3. "John Wayne was tall..." is that a quote from "While You Were Sleeping"?

  4. I think it would be really funny to write a real employee manual. But I'd probably get fired for it.

    Oh, and a*who, YEP. Spot on.

    ACTUALLY, in this case it is a Rinny Quote of a While You Were Sleeping Quote.

  5. Ok so I realize it is probably the biggest pain and gets old if it's done over and over but the idea that someone actually DID put stuff in Jell-o just makes me laugh to no end!

  6. I LOVED this post. So fun. ;-)

    What a great handbook.

  7. that handbook cracked me up. we once made a poster at kinko's that had little pictures of everyone and they made us take it down. :(

    oh and i SOOOO looked like that poor goat when i was overdue with brawny.