Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Don't break, don't break my heart, and I won't break your heart-shaped glasses...

So, yeah. My Depression is not doing so great. It is making being normal enough for a relationship really difficult right now. And the thing is, Fresno is a really REALLY good guy. And extremely understanding, at least comparatively so. And I have explained to him about having Depression. And about my meds and such. However, he still just doesn't QUITE get it. And tends to blame himself. Like if I was more attracted to him, I wouldn't be scared of a relationship. Or if he was a better boyfriend I would just be happier in general. Or (the most ridiculous, considering) if he was more RIGHTEOUS than his prayers for me would be working.

Blaming MYSELF for my issues is bad enough. But HIM blaming HIMSELF for my issues? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I do NOT want my screwed-up-ed-ness to hurt him! This is part of the reason I have been so SCARED to even admit I love him because I don't want to mess up his life!

I want to BE A HAPPY PERSON.

But more than that, I want Fresno to be happy. If at all possible I want us to be happy at the same time... together...

but if not, just don't let me ruin him.

I really REALLY need to get therapy again.
I WILL call Dr. Apparently. But I am also trying to work around OTHER, more physical doctors, including an MRI… next week? And working. SO MUCH WORKING. Monday I worked 12 hours. Tuesday I worked 9. Today I have off. But I am feeling more than a little DEAD at present. My headache is coming back and the stress of day camps is NOT helping. Oh! But about today…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!!!


Can I just say that even though we have our problems, I DO love this country and am (usually) glad to live here!? However, I am not a fan of the national anthem. Sorry, Francis Scott Key or whoever. If I had my druthers, I would pick Proud to Be an American. I know, it seems a little country-ish for me, but honestly NO OTHER SONG makes me feel more love for this nation than that. In fact, when I see it done at the Bellagio dancing waters, it HAS made me almost CRY.

Way WAY better in person, just fyi. Awww… I need to take another Vegas trip. It’s been far too long. Too bad I now seem to be the ONLY one of my family who doesn’t hate Vegas. (and yes, I know it is Sin City. But STILL… Bellagio! Fountain! Art! And! Ummm… themed hotels that make me giggle!

Poor Bellagio… SO pretty in the middle of Babylon.) Not that my family are who I would want to drive with ANYWAY. DEATH TO FAMILY VACATIONS!
So, anyway, because it is the holiday today the Roomie and I had her hyper nieces over who were pretty bratty but also way cute. “LOOK! The dog is rattling her tail!”
“Hmm… Shasta is now a snake?”

They also thought Boo the GERBIL was a BEAVER. Hee hee hee hee!

Then I went to the Padres' and we all went to Red Lobster for the Endless Soup and Salad. (and cheese biscuits. Because really now, let’s be honest. Mom and I are TRYING to be better Diabetics, but you just CAN’T resist those things!!!)

I only ate one bowl of the “endless” soup, but I shouldn’t have eaten so many carbs. Because now I feel sick. Besides I ALREADY felt sick with the headache… and stress… and kind of wanting to curl in a ball and cry in a closet but I don’t have that closet anymore or I would.

Sad that I have half of my own HOUSE and I still pine a bit for a crawl space under the stairs to cry in. But such is life… and such is ME.

I am not a very big fan of me today.

I DID do some good today. I did some FlyLady-style 15 minute-ing in the basement. That was good. Just not… enough.

I am suddenly feeling really cut-off and isolated. See, the internet is down. And my phone died. And it can’t even receive calls while charging. So at present this “blogging” is actually being typed into a document to keep me from flying in a million directions over at the Padres while we wait for my dad to decide on the next part of the day’s “fun.”

I feel more like going home and being alone.

But at the same time, I know that’s not a super wise choice. So I am stuck here.

The window is just SAD now. Usually anytime we look out there is at least ONE deer, usually a few, in the backyard. Now I see none.

We may watch a video soon. If we don't I think I am going home anyway, depressed or not. I feel like crap.

And also, it FEELS like a weekend so it is rather annoying to know I have work (and lots of it) tomorrow. Back to day camp world. I really DO LOVE my work... but we are still just SO SHORT STAFFED!

OH! But we have a new guy, who has the potential of being REALLY good. He IS brilliant, rather cute (but just 18), and a herptology genius. However the reptile thing is... well, let's just say he is SO into them even *I* think it's weird. And if you KNOW me and my babies and the level at which I am OBSESSED with them, well, you know that is saying a lot. Still.. he is pretty fascinating.

Anyway, I am gonna go now.

5 comments:

  1. love you!

    things will be ok with Fresno... but... I dunno... you in therapy is good - but where he is in a relationship WITH you - he should probably be in therapy too.. just to deal with it (and his own issues).

    just a thought. it might help you both.

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  2. I agree 100% with Steph -- I'm also sending you an email.

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  3. Heh...there's that part in the song where I always get chills. And I'm not the biggest fan of country neither. ;)

    I am praying for you. *hug*

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  4. you're idiot !!!!!!!!lol

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  5. I love this song: heart shaped glasses (when the heart guides the hand)

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