[I should really stop this... I am going to get in trouble. But sometimes it is just so fun to dabble in the truly silly and surreal!]
I receive this news with great great sadness! I am sure you know, Mr. Baker that no amount of money is going to fill the hole in my heart that losing Ol' Lucy (that's what we used to call him in the family) has made. None of my friends here in the states ever met him, and so I feel like you are the only one I can talk to about it. You seem, Mr. Baker, to have his wishes in mind. You knew how important his job of Engraver of Trophies, Monogrammed Bowling Balls, and Dog Tags at Erdward's Trophy in Shropshire was to him... and how he wished to be addressed as such always, as if he were a Doctor or Professor. You have honored that, and to me that shows you are more than a lawyer... but a friend.
I am shocked, however, that Ol' Lucy made mention of the money going towards my "humanitarian activities." To be honest, he never thought much of my charitable endeavors. Having a rich relative with a strangely placed letter R in their name you don't think that I ask him more than once while he was living to lend a hand to my cause? Well, I did, and while people sometimes have a great change of heart nearing the end of their lives, I can't help but remember a harshly worded email (perhaps the very one you harvested this email address from? It must have been because, really, the old Engr. Schultz was never one for email either and there were few between us) after I asked him for just $8,000 to start up. He said "Kippy, I WILL not now, nor WILL I ever not even after I am dead, help you with your so-called 'humanitarian' efforts. You place emus in inner city flats for kids to learn responsibility. They could learn responsibility from a hamster! A dog! Why a great bloody bird like an emu? They eat all the family's food, poop on the floor, all in all I think your "Emu for every Emo" Program is a disgrace and I WILL never give you a single farthing to help it's furtherance."
However, your letter clearly shows he saw the light! At present we are hatching a new emu to be named Lurther in his honor, and Ronald, play your cards right with this WILL and there may be a large flightless bird in it for YOU as WILL--er-well.
Your future best friend,
On 2/18/07, Uk Estate Solicitors
33 Henrietta Street,
Covent Garden, London, WC2E 8NH
NOTIFICATION OF BEQUEST
On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr.
Lurther Schultz, I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter
returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same
email address on the WILL.
I wish to notify you that late Engr. Lurther Schultz made you a
beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of seven million five hundred
thousand United States Dollars to you in the codicil and last testament
to his WILL.
Late Engr. Lurther Schultz died on the 12th day of March, 2004 at the
age of 80 years, and his WILL is now ready for execution. According to
him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to help
the poor and the needy in our society.
Please if I reach you this time as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back
to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job. I hope to hear
from you in no distant time through my personal email address below.
BARR.RONALD BAKER (ESQ)