Giving My People What They Want...

Kissing details? What does that even MEAN?! Like, I think maybe I do not know enough about kissing to describe it correctly. I think you have to more experience or something maybe.

But here are my details. This trip we kissed every time we separated. Like, he asked again the first time (when I picked him up at the airport), but after that we just sort of kissed goodbye automatically. Unless Padre was in the room and then we stood around smiling awkwardly at each other until Fresno said "Ummm... let me walk you to... the... Garage?" and then Dad said "Are you leaving?" and I sad"no, he's here, I just need to be walked out."

As for the mechanics of the kissing, we usually had, like 3-5 individual kisses per kissing times. But we didn't really, like, "MAKE OUT" per say, as I figure that should just involve less countable kissing... and me being better at it. But that is just a theory. I don't actually know what constitutes actual Make Out criteria.

I still think I may be mildly allergic TO kissing since my lips buzz afterward. WHY would they BUZZ?! I have never kissed anybody with OUT a beard and mustache (my first kiss was PoetryBoy in Cedar City and my 2nd and every other respective kiss has been Fresno) so I thought maybe it was the facial hair, but I don't think so. It's just, like, kissing sucks every bit of moisture right out of my lips in a SECOND, so maybe it is related to that... and blood flow, but I don't know, it's not like he is really SUCKING on my lips like a vacuum or something. I don't know.

I DON'T KNOW! I don't NOT like kissing Fresno... I mean, I really like Fresno. And I REALLY like OTHER silly physical stuff with him. Case in point I seriously LOVE sitting by Fresno. For me, that is big because, well, like with PoetryBoy when he would put his arm around me I would freeze, stop breathing and basically go catatonic while trying not to cry. And this was a nice guy, not like he was trying to kill me! But I definitely did NOT like sitting with him... at all. Not that I am perfectly comfortable yet, even when I THINK I am. I am a freaking bundle of issues.

Like when we were watching The Producers and he was playing with my hand. Fresno started shaking out my hand (almost like those dumb find a vein nurses) and said, "Hey! Relax your hand!"

"It IS relaxed!" (I felt like it WAS! I really LIKED him playing with my hand. However, that is ALSO what usually happens when they try to do IVs on me and say to relax, I am not clenching or anything, I don't know how to BE anymore relaxed than I am... especially considering Fresno was not going to stick me with a needle)

He flopped my hand around more and said "Just relax your hand." It kind of annoyed me. Not annoyed at him... at me... because I don't know how TO be more relaxed than THAT. THAT was relaxed already! And I liked it!

Then he said "You... just don't let people... touch you."

It kind of made me want to cry. I told him I didn't mean to. "I do like this."

But I just was wishing my stupid hand wasn't acting like I was lying. Because I kind of feel like all of me does that. Like why I don't really kiss back that much, even though I WANT to.

I don't want to be the kind of person that... can't... express how I feel. I mean, I do about other things. Hell, I talk circles around most people about some things... dumb things, mostly. But love. It's scary uncharted territory for me. It's stuff I can't say, stuff I can't even make my hand... handle. My hand... my lips... good thing I'm Mormon and that's all I have to worry about yet. Because good gordon I think I may be messed up. More than I thought.

So, there ya go... details. Are you sorry you asked?