Wednesday, September 20, 2006

"Girl, you have 50,000 coaches..."

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, fabulous, gorgeous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that's within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we automatically give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Marianne Williamson

I am watching Akeelah and the Bee right now and it is very good! However, it IS 2 am and I should be asleep, especially as tomorrow my friend Coats is coming to Provo for lunch and it would be good if I could drag my but out of bed before the crack of NOON.

This movie, though, it makes me want to be smart, you know? These kids are spelling these words that I can not even imagine spelling (with out Firefox's fantastic spell check of any field... YAY MOZILLA!). Other things, too... I want to... to achieve. I want to do something awesome with my life. However, I am not certain I AGREE with Mandela. I think I am pretty afraid I will fail... not be too powerful...

I am not worried about THAT at all. Lately I have been feeling down right powerless.



Terrified of my own failure.

And I wish I was healthy enough to jump rope.

ANYWAY, you will notice I am not speaking like a pirate because it is not Tuesday anymore. Also, I am not in the mood. I feel sad and icky about myself... despite the fact that I have amazing friends and family arguing that to the contrary. I love my friends... my mom... my sugar gliders (okay, so the suggies do not actually argue with me. They just make me giggle and give me someone else to focus on caring for. I need that, too.). I guess we all sort of do. Something to take us out of ourselves, you know?

Anyway, it's just... frustrating. Wanting to achieve. To succeed. To become something... to become someone worth being. To ME. Worth being to me. I know, at least deep inside, I am a person worth being to God. But he is perfect. He loves all his children. But I am NOT perfect. I don't love everyone. Least of all, right now, Me. I know I am wrong. I know my thinking and perception is skewed. I know the mental illness does that. I know that what *I* see in the mirror isn't real life. I know it...

but I don't BELIEVE it somehow. I need to learn how. But I don't know if I ever will.

But I hope I can.


  1. I love you... I do read these, I just never know what to say other than stay faithful and I love you. :) Hopefully that's enough...

  2. I know it feels impossible, but you WILL get through and heal up.

    I heard someone say just recently, quoting another person within the Catholic church that "So as the cracks in the decoration of a vase, mercy and light come shining through." How true that our flaws and weaknesses are where we are able to find Christ's mercy and love for us...

  3. You know, you were and have always been one of the most powerful influences in my life. Someone I have always looked up to and have gained strength from by being in your presence. You are already giving off that light, I think you've just forgotten.

    This is why we have friends. We give strength and support to one another and remind one another why we are here. And what we can accomplish.