Sunday, August 27, 2006
Hey, Santa? I think you added too much of the Bummer...
Today has been a horrible mixture of positives and negatives. I know, that's what life is. I should Cowgirl up and face that. But today just was HARD. It was Sunday. I should have gone to church. But I Slept through my own and couldn't face the idea of going to any ward crying the whole time. I hate nice people. Not always, just when I am crying. I just get over my crying spell and then someone has to come up, put a consoling hand on my shoulder and say "Aww, are you doing okay? Is there anything you want to talk about?"
No. No, I sure do not. Because then I will start bawling harder, and probably have to explain that the reason I am an open flood gate (other than general depression and crapness) is that I gave away my littlest Sugar Glider yesterday and have yet to stop crying my head off about it. Which 1.) makes me sound like a stupid baby crying over just rehoming an animal and 2.) would likely result in a confusing "Is that some sort of airplane or something?"-type discussion.
So I spent all last night crying... and almost all day doing the same.
I know there is much MUCH more to think about than my little Plicethenese... but that just seems to make it worse. Giving him up was supposed to simplify my frustrating life. But instead it just feels like one more sorrow.
School went... Well, OKAY. Not good. I am very nervous to go again Tuesday. I am amazed at how rusty I am. (And how much homeowrk I have with only 2 little classes a day! ARRRGH!) I have HAD ASL 2020 and I feel as if I am in completely uncharted waters. I get everything fellow students say... but scant little that the professor says. WAY rusty... I feel like everything is new. I really really hope I can get up to speed before I have a nervey spaz!
Yeah. Pretty much.
I am not doing so great on my meds right now. Not good at taking them, and they don't really seem to help when I DO take them. Plus I have to go back to several doctors... an OBGYN, the General Practitioner AGAIN, and then a Psychologist. Yay. >:OP
SIGH. Mental Illness is FAR too hereditary. Sometimes I think it even affects my gliders. Oh, speaking of depression and the like...
Today (okay, when I say today, as usual I mean "the day it was when I started to write" because yes, it is now Monday , but I mean Sunday) my family asked us all to Fast for my Grandma to have peace of mind in her new place. They just got her out of the hospital and she hasn't tried to kill anyone again, but she is still acting scarty, escaping, cutting down window blinds, etc. She may be nuts (Alzheimers just plain SUCKS!), but she is still fast, strong, and SMART. She doesn't want to take her meds, but she has to. So, she puts them in her mouth and then hides them under her dental bridge so if they look in her mouth they won't find out. They leave and then she spits them out. Yeah, my grandma is trouble.
But then, on some degree, so am I. BLEH.
Tonight, it appears is a very bad sleeping night. My sleeping stuff is doing nothing at present. It is almost 4. I am glad I don't have school Mondays, but I DO have a lot to do. Like job hunting, water aerobics, clean cages, work on the house, take my pills at appropriate times, eat food, do laundry. I should at least try to go to bed even though I feel pretty dang AWAKE right now. But I want to end with SOMETHING positive, SOOOO....
On my way home from delivering Plice to Ed, I wanted to play with Megs but she had plans to go on a date with her hubby, Jake and I have to be in support of THAT! Yay for them! (Oh, and hey, they will have been married a whole year September 24th!) But I DID go to her fam's house to get some Paul's Books (Paul was Megan and T-La's cousin... and Meg and T-La are MY cousins... besides that I think it is an AWESOME thing they are doing, even if we weren't almost related) And ended up playing with the 3 cutest little boys in the WORLD, Gabe, Caleb, and baby Elijah, T-La's kiddlets. They are SO funny. Gabe was out of control hyper because, well, he had been made to sit still in a boat for a long time while fishing with Daddy. And Elijah was BEAUTIFUL and giggled at everything. But the main entertainment of the evening was totally Caleb.
Gabe and Les got home with 6 dead, headless, rainbow trout and put them in the sink. Caleb said he wanted to "Help" so he pushed a chair up to the sink and stared at the catch. Then he asked me...
"The fish can bite me. No?"
"Nope, they can't bite you, Caleb."
"They can hurt me, no?"
"Nope they can't hurt you. They are dead." (not that if they were alive rainbow trout would be particularly nefarious.)
"But the fish. They can eat me, no?"
"No they can't eat you!"
"They can kill me?"
"No, Caleb the dead fish CAN'T KILL YOU!"
"Because if they kill me I cut off their heads?"
SO DANG CUTE!
I love those boys. I love being part of their life! They call me Auntie sometimes. (Though on this particular visit Caleb greated me with "Hi, Umbrella!"
"What is my name, Caleb?"
[look of confusion] "Umbretan?"
"Oh! Yes! BethAnn! Hi, BethAnn, Hi Hi! You wan'to see my puppy?")
Megs and T-La and Me and my sister Rinny grew up like sisters (but do NOT expect to EVER see a pic of all 4 of us in the bathtup together... even though such pictures DO exist) and I love their whole family more than basically any other part of our family. I guess it comes of their mom and our mom being the closest sisters in the family... but I still sort of doubt that my future kids and Rinny's future kids will be like that. MAYBE.
But I can also see my kids making fun of her kids, or beating them up, or setting their toys on fire, or teachng them to make dry ice bombs and getting Rinny so mad she bans my kids from her house and makes her children sit in their rooms acting out Bible Stories all day. Hee hee! Hmmm... yeah, it may be a good thing I will probably never have kids. I figure Rinny will either have ONE and no more because of how scared she is of germs and mess OR be Mormon Super Mom have have, like, 15 all named after prophets. Or have NONE because she insists on trying to date and CHANGE Gay boys. Psycho.
(Like I said... HERDITARY)
And with that, good night... or morning... WHATEVER.