Wednesday, August 23, 2006

can i have a really big band-aid?

my life hurts.

I am feeling so celestially homesick today, even though it was better than yesterday.

My stomach has been feeling better today than it has been. And walking the pups went much better, too. No almost fainting, for one thing. School starts for me tomorrow. I am excited to have a goal, but terrified to fail at it. I was explaining this over in a group blog for weight loss, Losing It.

"ACTUALLY, I was thinking about this in the 3rd doctor's office today and I decided the biggest thing is fear of hoplessness. I am so scared that if I do everything I should, it still won't work. And if I am doing everything right and am still sick and fat, well there is no way to go but down (in health... not weight). At least when I am NOT doing all I should there is the possibility that I could. I know it's screwy. And backwards. And stupid. But there it is. I am afraid it is hopeless... and really REALLY trying is only a means to PROVE that. That fear has recently been creeping into every aspect of my life. I am scared for school to start in case I can't hack it. I am scared to apply to jobs in case I don't get them. ETCETERA, Like I said, it's a crap philosophy and I know it... but it is anchored pretty firmly in my head and heart today. So there you have it. My Intro... a bummer."

I need to put things into perspective, I know that. Even if I fail my classes, I can be a telemarketer for the rest of my life.

Okay, Perspectivizing is really not helping today. Because that seems awfully bleak afterall.

Argh. For some reason we are having some serious connectivity issues with the net right now. (figures, eh?).

I am going to bed way early tonight. I didn't sleep last night and took a short nap at noon, so hopefully making a bit of a sleeping pill cocktail can help me fall asleep...

so that I can wake up...


and so scary.

Everything is gonna be alright, though... right?

1 comment:

  1. RIGHT!

    I love you! Good luck at school tomorrow! And relax! :)