Sunday, August 5, 2007

I am more Baggage than Passenger

I am having a very bad day, and it came on crazy fast. I can't even blame Fresno. It's not even about losing him right now. It's just about me. (Can I sound any more selfish?)

I was doing okay. I took all my meds. I was dressed fairly cute (CC, Stewie, it was the same thing I wore yesterday to the Baptism because it was still clean), I was on time and I was feeling so good about church I even thought maybe I would share my testimony (but probably not. Stages and I are NOT FRIENDS, even when "inspired").

Then one of the testimonies set me off. It was so embarrassing. He starts talking about when his mom died and she had diabetes and I had, like a major breakdown. Big anxiety attack... the whole deal, the shaking and nausea and no air to breath and insanity... (by the way, Hermioniny posted about them in a more intelligent way than this. You should read THAT instead.) and then almost went up there to tell him "HEY. People usually don't die of diabetes. They lose their sight. They lose LIMBS. They feel like crap every day of their lives. They don't get to die, not even if they want to." Instead, I just started to cry. I left. I went to my Jeep and cried about my stupid diabetes and the stupid lesions in my brain that my doctor wouldn't look at this time and my stupid fat body and how I wish I could cut it away like carving off excess clay. I cried about how my head kept me from even sitting comfortably through a whole sacrament meeting. I cried and almost LAUGHED at the idea that Fresno or any other boy would ever want to deal with this.

*I* sure don't want to, but I don't have a choice. I am stuck with Me. They can get a different Her. I can't get a different Me. I am screwed.

And so, yeah, I left church today and came home, feeling sick and ugly and too out of control to sit in a room full of other people who could look at me.

I think I hear someone at the door who I am pretty sure is Matt who lives in the Cemetery Plot (a house in our neighborhood) who is the one who first talked me into coming to this ward and who also saw me leave. He will be checking on why I did so. However, and I know this is rude, I am not up to pretending to be NORMAL sick instead of mental and so I am going to pretend to be taking a nap in here and hope he goes away.

Actually, I think I really AM going to lay down. My head is throbbing out of my skull.

I am supposed to go to the Padres' for Family Dinner. We are finishing up a care package for BoyKid including a memory card for his camera. We record stuff on it... videos or just narrated pics... because Mom has the same camera. Then we swap. It is really fun because we get to see and hear him so much. I miss him a ton.

But I wish it wasn't today. I am afraid I am not good at pretending to be cheerful today and I REALLY do not want to look like this for BoyKid. I haven't even told him Fresno and I broke up. Though he usually KNOWS when I am depressed anyway. The kid is freaking IN TUNE. But then, I am not very in tune and I usually know when he is struggling too. So, yeah. We are close. Anyway, I will tell him. I just wanted to wait a bit. Like maybe after the girl he is teaching, Sandra, gets baptized. I don't need him thinking about ME. There is major work for him to do in Italy.

I miss my baby brother so much.

Actually, I think I really AM going to lay down, not just pretend. My head is throbbing out of my skull.

Back from my illegal nap now. My head is bad enough still (though the nap tempered it some... but really is bad. I am not allowed them.) that I will be taking some Loritab soon. BLEH. HATE the way it makes me feel. Some people say it makes them loopy and happy. For me, it helps with pain but just makes me feel SLOW. Like my brain can't connect with the rest of me. I hate that scary hazy feeling. I don't even like Benadryl.

Anyway, I don't know that I have solved anything at all (Well, NO, I know I HAVEN'T. I still have Diabetes. I still have enough medical mysteries to put several doctors' children through college. Fresno is still gone and I still don't plan on meeting his equal.) but writing it out HALF helps. It only half helps me because on the one hand I get it out, my own free therapy. But on the other it gets be thinking and crying even harder.

And now I will attempt to turn OFF my brain for a bit (I wonder if Little House or Perry Mason is on?)...

In the realm of your basic weekend randomonium:

"I've always held that early marriage indicates secondary goods that need to be sold in a hurry"
- Mr. Harrison, Anne of Green Gables - The Sequel


If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.
- Albert Einstein
And then because you were condering, is Kipluck more of a Dork a Geek or a Nerd...

Your Score: Outcast Genius

82 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 60% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occasion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius.


Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

and freakiest of all...


  1. So I hate to bring this up, but this little bit sent off a signal in my head:

    "I just wanted to wait a bit. Like maybe after the girl he is teaching, Sandra, gets baptized. I don't need him thinking about ME. There is major work for him to do in Italy."

    You did the same thing with FRESNO. You worried too much about people worrying or thinking about you... or being concerned... and you need to... not. Because it's their choice whether they do or not. I mean I know you don't want them to have to - but parting of letting yourself be loved is letting people be concerned about you.

    And I concerned about you muchly. ;)

  2. I am sure you are right. But... He's a missionary, you know? He has more important things to worry about than his psycho sister.

    And I know *you* think about me because you are a fantastic friend.

  3. "But... He's a missionary, you know? He has more important things to worry about than his psycho sister."

    Is his mission really more important than his family? Todd got in trouble during his mission for not writing or calling his mom for months. And who know... maybe your brother has some great insight that he needs to share with you.

  4. Amen to what's already been said.

    And I think the picture of Bill Gates is WAY freakier than you as a sugar glider. Sos you know.