Worth SEVERAL 1000 Wordses

Christmas... in Pictures...

Lots and LOTS of pictures. You have been warned.


The ride was LONG. With few potty stops because dad was driving, and we rented a CAR, so no leg room. But Runny still managed to sleep through everything. EVERY time we got in the car!HOW does she DO that?! I can't even sleep in my BED. She can sleep folded like a taco. Wacky.

Sometimes it was hard to remember the PURPOSE of Christmas...
Or that it even WAS Christmas...Because pretty much we were there for Football. This is Rinny's and Padre's "present"... BYU's NARROW win over UCLA.


Mind you, they were THERE, but mom and I watched the last few minutes, too. But they were pretty psyched when they came home.
And I washed my hair with doggy shampoo...

And that pretty much wraps up the REVIEW. Now for the new stuff... Christmas Eve in Vegas! The Bellagio and FAO Schwartz in Caesar's Palace! Because me and Rinny are a Leeeetle Crazy. hee hee hee!

Also that night (Christmas Eve!) we did a few traditions for our family - go out for Chinese (Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra!), do some sort of Nativity, and open one gift.

For the Nativity, since we had no little cousins with us to act OUT said nativity (THANK GOODNESS. The year they decided to make the red TELETUBBY the Christ Child will be forever burned into my brain. *shudder*) I asked to show the Nativity Video (which, by the way, is no longer sold at the distribution center by itself. Now it's with Mr. Kruger's Christmas, Nora's Christmas Gift, etc. for sale as a DVD of Stories for Christmas.) but you turn off the sound and play Breath of Heaven. It syncs up really beautifully and we showed it in the mission. (Coats' taught me)

And the gift we all opened, so we could tell him about it when we talked the next day was each of our gifts from BOYKID FROM ITALY!!! YAY! He got these "fancy" things cheap there. I MISS HIM!

Rinny got a Dolce & Gabanna belt with a massive buckle...

Dad got an "Andrews Tie" apparently they are nice... it SEEMS nice. Anyway, they are made there in Milan where he was before Parma.
This is me wearing my super soft wool scarf (in my nightgown *blush*) and attempting to read a silly Animorphs book... IN ITALIAN!


it really is super soft... and doesn't even itch. It does SHED, I have founf, but I still love it because, hey, BoyKid picked it out for me.
Oh, and that candy bar? DANG good.
Mom got a Beautiful Pashmina... a cashmere shawl thingie that she loved.

We went to bed after we hung our "stockings" which Rinny MADE. hee hee!

The next day was CHRISTMAS! As around 7 am the BoyKid called to set up when we could call him! (When you only get to talk twice a year (Mother's Day and Christmas as is the rule for LDS missions) you want to plan it right!)

It was hilarious. He gave us the WRONG NUMBER. We tried to talk to SOMEBODY but she kept saying "Si" and "Pronto" which I WAS pretty sure meant hurry, but means READY and either way it made NO sense and we SO don't know what she was saying. Padre was talking LOUD in English to her... I was speaking Spanish... it was pitiful. Luckily the baby bro called back and we got it corrected. He told us HILARIOUS STORIES!!! He PARTICIPATED in Midnight Mass! Not just that, but he asked someone WHEN IT WAS. HA HA!

I was way excited and I saw our duomo way lit up and beautiful. Every inch is painted with scantily glad ( clad?) saints and angels. Many of them are meant to look like statues and they are pretty good. Anyway, I made Anz. Ryan go the front so we could see. Then, with 3000 Italian Catholics, a priest approaches the only 2 American Mormons and asks us to take part in the Mass! I understood the words in Italian but not the ceremony so I asked "Do we need to be Catholic?" I was told no, and before I knew it, we were on the program. It wasnt too bad, I just had to carry wine and communion wafers to the Bishop who placed them on the alter and blessed me with the sign of the cross. I think I gave Anz. Ryan heart failure though. He kept asking, "what did you say yes about?!!!" We sat next to a really nice young couple who kept saying, "its ok, its not a big deal just follow priest." Yikes.

I LOVE my brother! What a dork!

After we talked to the boy and hung up and BAWLED. But then I talked them into going to the Mirage and seeing the WHITE TIGERS and DOLPHINS! I didn't know they had white LIONS and stuff, too, though. Eventually I'll get the VIDEOS up because, well, the pictures of the cats are terrible. No flash, low light, fast animals - bad combo.

Then we headed home.

Well, actually, we hit a yucky buffet in Mesquite and then we WERE going to stay in St. George a night, but we begged Padre to just keep going and got home early. We had fun but wanted to be home. Rinny had things to do the next day. Mom wanted to be home. *I* was hurting... but mostly I just wanted to get my gliders back.

But there you go. Christmas 2007. It was good. Just... odd.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Depression: You DON'T leave home without it!

So, I am getting ready for church and borrow some "alergin reducing" shampoo, which I hastily interpret to be, like, super hypoallergenic non-scented stuff because the Aunt Idaho J is basically like me in that department. I washed my hair and then re-read the bottle thinking "wait, what?" Yeah. DOG SHAMPOO. So now people will not be allergic to my head so much. And it protects against matts and burrs... oh good. HA HA! I was worried about that. HEE HEE HEE!

Church was... frustrating. Sacrament meeting was VERY pretty singing, especially one song that really just made me think about Mary's role as a real MOTHER. But my side pain and headache were both bad, and Padre insisted we go to Sunday school too. So we are sitting there, and suddenly Mom looks over and is like, No, [Kipluck] is going home and drags me out. I told her I COULD stay, but I WAS hurting really bad. So we went home. I took pills, a nap, then had a little bawl session about church, myself, and why can't be better - your basic Depression break down. That was like an hour or two and ended with me locking myself in a room and crying awhile, while wishing I was home and not here.

I really wish I could leave stuff like THAT at HOME.

Viva... Henderson.

Hey! I am just borrowing my uncle's computer right now to check in... I can't check often because they have DIAL UP. Seriously? Dial Up? Who has that anymore? So pretty much I am taxing it to it's limits just being here. I think I heard the mouse whimper in fear when I came in the room.

At present I am BOOOOOORED! Because we have been in the car for forever (my dad is not a fan of potty breaks) and finally got to my Aunt and Uncle's house and they are gone and even took their DOG with them. And even though we are in "Vegas" we are really in HENDERSON in a retirement neighborhood so pretty much there is not much to do with out a car.

Okay, it is better now because they do have a Jacuzzi that we got up and running while Rinny and Padre went to the Las Vegas bowl. They are still there. And I am still frozen. The hot tub is nice, but considering the pond next to it is covered in thick ice, well, yeah... not exactly swimming weather. Still, it is better than nothing and I am hurting pretty bad right now.

Anyway, yeah. Peace.

"That's what YOU'RE all becoming. Martianmellows..."

I am here at the Padres watching this HORRIBLE old movie, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and it is HILARIOUS! SO bad. (but should you want to download an MP3 of the theme song "Hooray for Santy Claus" being sung by some odd Italian(?) group YOU CAN!!!)We are leaving for Vegas tomorrow morning, early, and so I have to stay the night here.

I already left my Sugar Babies at the vet who boards them. It made me almost cry. But I am going to try to not be stressed and just have fun. I know I obsess. But... yeah they are my babies. I miss them. That was one of the hardest parts about staying here at the Padres.

I want to have a good holiday. I want to stop feeling sad. I AM feeling less pain with those shots. So that SHOULD solve a big part of me... but yeah, that's only part of my dumb issue. Because, yeah I am a medical mystery PHYSICALLY... but MENTALLY I am just a stupid mess. Need to do my "homework." My next appointment with Dr. Apparently is the 27th. I don't know a lot of what I am going to tell him... I just... I don't know.

Anyway, Brain off... have some surveys:

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Very Brady Christmas

For you, it's all about sharing times with family. Even if you all get a bit cheesy at times.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

You Are a Fruitcake!

You taste like nothing else in this world. And get ready, you're about to get tossed!

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

You Know a Lot About Christmas

You got 6/10 correct You know tons about the history and traditions surrounding Christmas. When you celebrate the holidays, you never forget their true meaning - or all the little fun details. Random Christmas fact: Only 21% of US households has a real Christmas tree each year.

How Much Do You Know About Christmas?

You Are a Traditional Christmas Tree

For a good Christmas, you don't have to re-invent the wheel. You already have traditions, foods, and special things you bring out every year.

What Christmas Tree Are You?

Your Christmas Song Is

Then I saw mommy tickle santa claus Underneath his beard so snowy white Oh, what a laugh it would have been If daddy had only seen Mommy kissing santa claus last night At Christmas, you feel like a kid again Complete with major Christmas eve insomnia

What Christmas Carol Are You?

You Are a Snowman

Friendly and fun, you enjoy bringing holiday cheer to everyone you know!

What Christmas Ornament Are You?

Kipluck: International Heart Breaker!

Okay, this isn't as funny as Nitty Gritty, but still. This Moses Person wrote to me and sounded actually cognitive and moderately nice, though I wasn't much interested. But he wanted my PHONE number. So I wrote back a polite, thanks for the note, maybe you could tell me more about yourself because I don't really give out my phone number, but maybe if we wrote awhile, I'd see. (Note, the first letter SOUNDED like someone FROM THIS COUNTRY. I don't know where he pasted it from)

THIS is what I got back...

To: kipluck
From: moses
Subject: hi
------------------------------------------

Thanks for your mail......i really appreciate what you said in your email...AM the only child of my parent, am single with no kids, i use to work with my dad he own an oil firm but due to our difference i had to stop working with him...I believe that partners are 100% equal in a relationship and both should be able to feel they can trust each other 100% at all times. I feel that any man who ever disrespects a woman is not a man at all.... My comon day schedule create time for fun, i like to get involve with any event outdoor for fun..... Well people that i have met will tell you am honest,concern, caring, respect other people opinion, sharing and not selfish.. I am affectionate also and I have no trouble showing it for the right man in public or private. ..my dream man will be someone who does not loves to argue, respect my opinion.....i want a man that is honest, concern, caring, sharing, loving and loyal. A man with a shoulder i can lean on right now due to what am going through at the moment.A man that his outgoing and funny but not like a clown all the time. A man that is kind not critical, not anal but easy going, spontaneous, affectionate and generous with his feelings, and time. He should like to go out and keep active. I don't like sitting at home on the couch too much. He needs to be an open, honest and patient person but not a pushover. I love walks on the beach,cuddling up and watching television, especially sports.Am a very transparent person in character,am caring, sharing, loving, and most of all trustworthy.....i want a man with enough experience in life to see both of us through....am not ready for mind games and i don't want my match too be the same.....am supportive and also i want my man too be supportive.
I am looking for something permanent and I know it takes time and a lot of good effort to form a good relationship. I want my man to be my best friend at all times, my sweetheart, love of my life, my partner and my soul mate all wrapped up into one man. I would be all of that for him and more,I would love him with all of my heart and have nothing but good feelings for him. He should be a very caring person, with a lot of good feelings, be honest, reliable,pleasant and personality.
I have been cheated in the past and it really hurt me so much.......because i trusted my ex with everything that i am but he turn out to be a liar, a cheat and a betrayer.....I know what it mean to be hurt and i will not want a fellow human been to go through the samr....Please honest with me.....
Tell me about your family background ? If you have a chance to change the world what will you do? Are you trustworthy ? Do you believe in Honest is the best policy? because my om thought me that honesty is the best policy......what do you like to do for fun? what are your dream, what are you ambition? can i confide in you ? will you confide in me?
I look forward to read from you
With all that i am and Loyalty
moses.

Excuse me, WHAT THE?! I wrote back that there was apparently a mistake made and that he was either 1. gay and just sharing his dreams and aspirations with me 2. a woman and thought I was a man, therefore never ACTUALLY read my profile and therefore was a scammer or 3. was not familiar enough with English to understand that there was a difference in Male and Female and also probably was a scammer. I said, sorry, but none of those 3 were going to work for me, relationship-wise.

I also have VERY good news. I have been getting shots directly in my muscle because they now think it is a nerve/muscle thing and IT IS HELPING! I am even SLEEPING IN MY OWN BED!

Yep, I am at my house as we speak! (the book and my meds are still at the padres and I am still being checked on but STILL! BETTER! YAY!!!)

Which also means Mom and I are going with Padre and Rinny to Vegas for Christmas. Both a good and bad thing. Because, well, I AM still hurting, and I am a little nervous about things... one of which is I really hate leaving my suggies kenneled at the vet's starting tomorrow because we leave very early (ugh) Saturday morning.

AND in preparation for Christmas I am going to SEE if I can get someone to chauffeur me around tomorrow but chances are they will be too busy so CC, Cupcake, Stewie, Thai, Prism, Darci, Heatherbella, Bobbie, "neighbor Pam," Coats, Megs, Miss Meliss, and Pepper, know I at least have a card or something for you that WILL be late. Because, yeah, I won't even be in town. hee hee!

I love you all very VERY much.

And now I should dose what I am allowed and turn off awhile. Peace Out.

"both of us are very fluents in english" RIIIIIIGHT.

Some very good things and some very discouraging ones.

First of all, I am doing my "psychology homework" for Dr. Apparently who I really like and being good but I probably have to stay at my parents' house awhile longer. And even when I get to go home, I am going to have to not work for more than a few hours every so often.... maybe for a few months. With my mental and physical pains, I am supposed to consider this time like "Rehab" because otherwise I have to GO away, like in a hospital or something, because of learning to deal with Chronic Pain. And if I don't want to do that I have to work really really hard to heal at home and get healthy... in a lot of ways.

Oh, hey, random warning, if you are suffering with Depression, especially severe enough that you are getting dangerous thoughts, DO NOT READ She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. I had to stop. It was, ummm, "Triggering" and making me very... sick. Just... don't.

The mental health thing is the biggest part *I* am working on, of course, as it is the part most in my control. I can't do much about my abdomen hurting. They are going to try injections soon, and that might help, but it might not. But they will still be testing me for all kinds of craziness (like Lupus or Lukemia) about my Sed Rate. And *I* can't do anything about that.

The other part can control is trying very hard to get healthier with my weight and diabetes, because that will make a lot of things easier, even though it doesn't DIRECTLY affect my pain. So I am on a bit of a "Health Hiatus" for a few months to try and get more normal.

BUT not EVERYTHING is bad. Holy crap but I have sweet friends! These bee slippers, lotions, and matching flannel pillowcases and blanket are from CC, Cupcake, Mali, Stewie, Thai, Prism, Darci, Heatherbella, Bobbie, etc. <-- (that etcetera includes "neighbor Pam" who I have never met, but still, Thanks!) They tied the blanket for me and CC and Cupcake brought it over to me today and I didn't cry while they were there. Thank you so very much, you guys. Thank you EVERYONE who has been praying for me or being supportive and stuff. And Thank you a TON, Quilt people. (My mom and sister both bawled when they saw it.) This is a really hard time right now and it is just awesome to have something all cuddlesome and cute to remind me that people in my life ROCK. I love my friends!!!!!!

Boys are... fun distractions, but not much more. Because even if I got to a point of really liking someone (like ArmyBoy) I don't know that I really trust my psyche to handle that at this point in my life anyway. To be honest, I still cry over Fresno. I sometimes wonder if I will EVER get over that, and whether any guy will REALLY like me for who I am, rain or shine. I think not. But still, I LIKE writing to a boy like ArmyBoy. He is nice and fun and uncomplicated. His letters are too short, and he probably likes 20 girls more than me... but he is funny and sweet and easy to talk to. So I do. For now, anyway. I also like MOCKING boys like Mr. Nitty-Gritty who I do NOT really write, but keep writing me, for your pleasure. hee hee! Especially this one because just before it I HAD written and said I was sorry but I just did NOT see falling for a guy who was not fluent in English. Again, I have bolded my favorite parts.

To: kipluck
From: lademmie
Subject: this is my understanding
------------------------------------------
hi sweetie,
its a zest reading your mailback thanks, bcos it takes a kinda deep and matured understanding and mine of the person you are,thanks,
well..................i meant to let you understand the fact that both of us are very fluents in english, bcos I've interfere with someone who doesn't know if she is female, or if he is for male alphabetical, so i mean, and guest, even felt that maybe you are scared having a relationship with me due to your sincere and straight minded person you are and wouldn't wants to get into trouble along the affairs, i understands. ok am great full thanks for the mailback, am not persisting,but in case any feelings or interest?, let me have your yahoo ID so that i could send to you my pics thanx. bye

I admit, I AM curious to see a pic... but NOT curious enough to respond. Also, I REALLY wish I knew what that male-female alphabetical thing meant. HEE HEE HEE.

I am going to go to bed (in my new quilt!) and I will finish this tomorrow, hopefully with pictures.

By the way, if any of you like NuSkin, I am selling some stuff my dad gave me (he won it golfing) on eBay. Basically I am going to try to be an eBay girl to earn some money since I can't work. So, if you are interested, Check out my auctions on a 180 System and a Galvanic Spa System II.

("But this is a good look for you, Sarah. You've gone beyond pajamas and are now wearing the bed." - Must Love Dogs)

And now I am going to bed.

My back MRI showed there were things wrong with me... a disk was off, I have a benign tumor and such, and some other weird stuff... but nothing that should make me have imaginary appendicitis. But the pain management clinic agreed to TRY and do an injection in my back and see if it helps. That's the day after Christmas. I do NOT think it is going to work. Neither do THEY, actually. But I am seriously willing to try anything.

Today was the Pain people. Yesterday I started with Dr. Apparently. Yup, I am in therapy. I think it's a good thing. But it is really really hard. And tomorrow I get a new Gastro, to see if THEY can find anything (because I am NOT going back to Dr. ScrewIt). Doctors every freaking day. Just like my pain. And pills.

Every day is so much the same. Hurting, being in a daze, tests that reveal nothing.

And it's almost Christmas. Sure doesn't FEEL like Christmas, that's for sure. The snow helps, but I feel like I'm in a fog and I don't care about anything right now. It is snowing right NOW, even. I have gotten a few cards... I appreciate them. I just don't think I will send any back. I am sorry to my friends. I am a scrooge this year. Christmas just feels like another day between doctor's appointments. I HOPE I feel okay enough to go with the fam to Vegas for Christmas. But I don't know.

So today was different! Yay for different! I was sitting here writing this after the doctor when Coats called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch! OF COURSE I DID! She would have to drive as I am now always in danger of getting a DUI, and I could not be long, but just doing SOMETHING was good. We went to Kneaders and had sandwiches and talked. It was so fun to see her. I have missed her. I have missed... ANYONE.

As my mom asked "Was it good to see somebody besides your mom or a doctor?" Yeah, it was. I am not doing so grand. But I am trying.

"I am serious. And don't call me Shirley!"

Yesterday here it rained all day. No snow, just rain. Today it has been snowing non-stop. Worse for driving, but better for the Christmasy atmosphere. And it IS pretty... BUT it is bad enough with our driveway and hill at the padres we MAY be snowed in by the end of the day. Interesting.

Rinny came over today and gave me 2 paychecks and a Christmas card and gift card from TGP, like FROM the company. COOL! The checks were, well, nothing (hard to make MONEY when you can't WORK, like ever), but the gift card was for 50 bucks! Weee! Now Padre is fighting with Rinn because she wants to leave and he thinks she should stay... like, the NIGHT. Already I am not going to be able to feed the babies tonight. I will need to call the Roomie and ask her to do it for me. Bummer.

Boys are still a welcome distraction. Mostly ArmyBoy. He is a very interesting guy. I want to find out more about him. But I am bad at asking questions. Like I probably should just find a good survey and just ask one of the questions each time. Like just to give us random things to talk about, you know? He really is VERY cute. I admit, I am still missing Fresno. I guess I am rebounding, kind of. But I am not thinking serious right now anyway. We just started writing (but ARE writing a couple times everyday), and besides I need to figure out my OWN dumb medical life. Boys are just a happy little distraction... unless, you know... it becomes more than that, but after a LONG time. Because DANG. I can't handle real stuff. Probably. Maybe. But he IS cute. And nice. And likes me! (And, CC, we talked about the liking chubby girl thing and I am okay with it, because he has chilled on that, apparently, in matters of health. ANYWAY, yeah).

OH, and the dumb ones are funny too! After I wrote to Mr. Nitty Gritty saying sorry, but language barriers would likely prove too difficult, have a great life but I was not interested, he STILL wrote back! HA!

To: kipluck
From: lademmie
Subject: am tripping for you sweetie
------------------------------------------
am confidence all about you, and am down on my knee is to be with you in wat 'er part of the world please tell me how is it gonna be possible? pls am waiting sweetie what's ur idea?

Wow. Yeah. "Special!" Ya gotta laugh at the awesomeness of that. Because, well, the REST of life (ie: pretty much everything OFFline) right now sucks rocks. I am waiting for results from that MRI, but I admit I am pessimistic about it because I have a hard time believing ANYONE will find out anything that will help me. Nobody has so far, why would they be different, you know? *cries* I do NOT want lupus or anything, though. I am going to do this and hope they have SOME longer lasting pain control than dumb Loritab and dumb Percocet... then find some internal medicine specialist who can find out what's wrong with my crazy Sed Rate.

Right now I live from pill to pill, and try to distract myself. Today I watched Airplane (always hilarious!), 8 Crazy Nights (weird.), and now I am watching Bewitched (I love it. Will Ferrell kills me.). Also playing on Gaia... and chatting on Mingle (obviously *blush*)...

Yes, very productive.

It is STILL snowing. And I think I am going to go take a bath, after I take another pill. Because I have been writing this blog off and on all day and it is time to do so. Peace out.

the nitty-gritty

I have to take a Valium right now. An hour before my appointment so I don't freak out and stop breathing in the MRI. They are like being entombed in a coffin... in outer space. An alien space coffin. Every time I see Valium it makes me want to sing The Freshmen. "My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her, His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept And now he's guilt stricken sobbin' with his head on the floor..."

They are going to look for something muscular... something in my back, like a pinched nerve. But the thing is, I was confused on that Sed Rate thing. Apparently it means more than I thought... and mine is about double what it should be. So, even aside from the MRI and such, at 3:45 now I will be going to some crazy specialist in Salt Lake... an internist to figure out what's going on. They'd suspect stuff like Lupus (sweet, I am a werewolf! jk), leukemia, etc. but I DO NOT have the other symptoms, so, yeah. They don't know anything yet. They just know I have SOMETHING.

Also the doctor today referred me to a psych, but he is not covered. So I will keep looking for one. Because they wanted me to go to one. And I agree.

But, boys are an amusing distraction. Therefore, I have been spending more time on LDSMingle... and chatting with strangers. I don't usually do that much.

I am talking to a super nice guy who just moved to Utah. He has a 3 year old daughter back in Cali who he is not allowed to see because the mom's family is JW and thus he is an "evil association." He might come play with us someday.

I talked to a boy who seemed nice at first and was a "100% match" but pretty much logged off once he found out I wasn't planning to run right over and NCMO.

And I talked to ArmyBoy about, like, old school Mario Brothers and drawing and stuff. HE is very funny. And geeky. And trying hard to convince me to get into WoW. I admit army stuff... scares me a little. More than a little. But at the same time it's cool. I dunno. I don't know anything anyway.

And then there are boys like THIS.
I would just BET someone used Babblefish translator online to try and send me this declaration of "love." But I have been laughing like crazy ALL DAY now! My favorite parts are bolded.

To: kipluck
From: lademmie
Subject: [No subject]
------------------------------------------
Its a zest reaching your contact on these lascivious conversation, prompted scheduled for the both of us to express our admiring, feelings to the nitty-gritty of solution, thanks as you'll oblige the impatience introduction of myself.
Mr Lademmie. I. Ocean.)
Birthday 1980 April 11th.)
Mobile: [removed to protect the dumbboy]).
Home tel: [ditto].)
Bcs, Skills Professional custom license agency. C.E.O. Legitimate Skills Professional Aid Specialist.)
6.6fts tall, athletes body fitness, black skin nature.)
Christ believer.)
honest and trustworthy, generous, lovely and caring, appreciative knowledge.)
neat.
I'm as above and obviously below, i'm straight mindedly, capable in self-sacrificials to zest.

As my choice kind of lady will has no difference to do with humility, understanding, caring & lovely? Always meaning & serious in everything, self-contentious, sincere, plain-hearted, quick to expose feelings, educative & mature & future minded? Can appreciate & calming?
Financial accessable to make possibillity of our meeting and being together in your country, secured to me a job?
5.5fts above, slim or fat, always hygienic and neat?

i'm meant to let you understand by these brief note that its the nitty-gritty of fraternization for our future nob weird of humanity. Please do not hesitate to reply on any interest of your admirings and feelings on how you suppose it should.


sincerely urs heart
urgently await ur response.

Mr. Cousin Jas?!

A few things. First of all, I am going a little (MORE than a little) stir crazy living with the padres. I forget how much life HERE revolves around sports and parties. It is like pets at my house. Everyday we have cousins over because of "the game." "The Game" may be basketball OR football. It usually means Auntie O's fam comes over (sometimes including Brett and Annie who DO rock... they lived with us before) and Auntie O asks how I am and annoys me and so I hide from them.

Apparently THIS time "The Game" also means we will be going to Vegas the weekend before Christmas. We will be having Christmas with the Idaho J's, Padre's FAVORITE big brother, the one who now live there in Nevada, NOT Idaho (and, incidentally the only family on "our side" of the schism about Uncle Rude). AND we will be going to the Las Vegas Bowl which Padre has been finagling to get tickets for and, well, did. (Thai, I bet you guys will be watching that one... albeit, wearing opposite colors! Ha!)

now, when I say "we," there is a strong possibility *I* will be merely THERE. Alternately in a hotel or at Idaho J's house on pain pills and crying. I really really want to hope that by then I won't be... and there is SOME hope. We have a different plan.

After finding NOTHING WRONG WITH ME except pain...
"your white count is up... but not a LOT... which can be caused by severe pain and stress."
"your Sed rate is elevated... it seems there is pain and inflammation in the body... basically caused by pain..."

The basic idea is that I hurt so much because... I AM IN PAIN.

Therefore, with nothing left to go on, that is what we are going to treat. I have been referred to a Pain Management person who thinks it is POSSIBLE it may be muscular/nerve stuff, originating in my back. I meet with him Thursday to evaluate, schedule MRIs and we may just figure out where to do trigger point injections... kinda like my head.

It is a band-aid for a cut that I don't know where it is from. It is not a solution. But it is SOMETHING. And if it will work, even a little, I will take it. If it will get me off constant pain meds and out of bed wishing I would die in the night, I will do it.

It is just SOMETHING while we keep looking for a doctor that can help, but Dr. Hasacrazywife came back and even though my insurance won't take him, we went back to him. Because he KNOWS me. He knows I am not whining for nothing. And he is willing to actually go through the now PILES of tests and keep looking. And he thinks this is out next, intermediate, step. So I will take it.

Because my other option might be hospitalization for other things because I can't stop hurting. And I can't handle that.

This is a bad time for me right now. Yeah.

But not EVERYTHING is bad, COATS called me! We talked and laughed our heads off about our rather pathetic lives. I miss her. Living with Coats, both on the mission and as roomies at SUU, was HILARIOUS. And horrible. And Hilarious. She updated me on the family news/scandals. Her poor little cousin who is preggy, but really awesomely giving the baby for adoption. Her older sister and hubby (we don't like either of them much) are having ANOTHER baby. But the biggest news that made me simultaneously want to scream, cry, cheer, and hug him? COUSIN JAS IS MARRIED.

At first I felt a little sick, I admit.

But he was married in the temple. That made me a little less sick, but gave me a headache and made me worry.

BUT he got his life in order, stopped drinking and smoking, started going regularly to church, and went to the temple a couple months BEFORE HE EVEN MET HER! THAT made me want to spin him around and hug him. Oh Jas, I am so proud of you I could cry... so jealous of her, I just MIGHT... but still. GO YOU.

BoyKid is HILARIOUS. His letters... I should share snippets. Things like "Missionary life is kinda like being in 24. People come in your life, you get very close to them...and then they blow up. Or more accurately they go home or get transferred." He kills me. And, we found out today, now he is a TRAINER. He will be so good. That new little elder will be lucky. my baby bro ROCKS.

Also, I am sort of writing a guy on Mingle. It is a little awkward because I just look at stuff there and think "Fresno" but he seems nice. Not that it will go anywhere... he is an army guy... he is in Kentucky. But, it is nice to have a distraction. He is a geek. He likes to drawing, WoW, and Dungeons and Dragons. He is MIGHTY cute.

exile

I basically moved into BoyKid's room at the Padre's, making nightly VISITS to feed, play, commiserate with, and see my pets like seeing a zoo. Not being in my own home.

I am 12 years old again... asking for rides because I can not drive on my own.

I go home, my home, more like a pit stop "hi just dropping in to feed my sugar gliders and cry" and I hold my animals and I bawl. I spend all my time either in a lot of pain, or slightly less pain but doped.

Neither is worth living, to be perfectly honest.

But that is not a confession of a plan, just so you know.

It is not.

I spend a lot of time watching my deer. Naming them, renaming them. Worrying about them in the snow and the slick roads and coming times of less food. There are 8 of them. 2 of the babies have gimpy legs.

I am tired.

"fruuuuuuuuuuit!"

Ups

*I was out for the whole Colonoscopy even though I was afraid I might not be because the dumb pamphlet said "if you feel any discomfort during the procedure tell your doctor." (And by the way, even those COMMERCIALS for that dumb new movie, Awake, are lie my worst nightmare lately with all my hospital visits)
*The nurse got my IV needle in on the first try
*I found a very funny pamphlet on Constipation in the waiting room that I drew inappropriate pictures and wrote private jokes to send to BoyKid as a letter.
*My very awesome roomie had already taken care of all my pets when I went home tonight.
*I got to hold the most pitiful (but BEAUTIFUL) and starving-to-death because of some digestive illness Weimaraner puppy when I got there, too! Her name is Tootsie and she is... GORGEOUS. The Roomie only has her a couple nights though before taking her to her new home. The poor thing will need a lot of vet visits to keep her alive... like Suzy.... but, well, "it's what we do." Holding her was heaven.
*The colonoscopy showed nothing wrong with me.

Downs

*my hand is very bruised from the IV
*The day before, PREPPING for the colonoscopy was HORRIBLE. It makes you feel SO sick and you are in the bathroom for HOURS getting "cleaned out."
*They put a camera up my butt!!!
*This is an associate of Dr. ScrewIt. Yeah.
*I am still in just as much pain as ever, but...
*The colonoscopy showed nothing wrong with me.

seriously. what the hell is wrong with me?

not so UPdate

MEDIC by *makani on deviantART

For reasons I will not go into, and ever since Wednesday, I am presently staying at the Padre's, going home only to feed the critters. It involves very bad things. I will probably get to be home again when The Roomie comes home from her Turkey Day break. Maybe not.

It is later now and I still am still here. Also, I am still going to doctors every dumb day, pretty much. Including today. I still have no answers, but I have a few more intelligent questions. SO that's a start.

Things I Am Grateful For...

50 Thanks for this special Thursday!

1. My Mom

2. cold packs

3. bathtubs deep enough to cover your whole self and a tall cup of ice water to drink

4. uncooked tortillas

5. Father's priesthood blessings

6. swimming

7. Heroes... yes, the TV show

8. Fat-Free Brownies

9. warm, fluffy bathrobes

10. meds that WORK

11. working for my sister so I'm not fired yet

12. SoftLips

13. Supportive friends, online and RL, too

14. Gaia

15. Insurance when it actually covers something

16. Cousins!

17. Cynthia getting to twirl her baton in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

18. VCRs so I don't actually have to wake up and WATCH the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on the off chance we can see Leslie when the American Fork band goes by twirling her flag

19. heating pads

20. nice nurses who are REALLY good at finding veins

21. Paul the Apostle

22. Non-LDS friends who stand up for the LDS church when they hear lies about it

23. Hilarious letters from BoyKid

24. cute boys that are marginally distracting

25. our cherry tomatoes still popping out red all over despite the rather frigid weather

26. FINISHED laundry

27. good, comfortable chairs

28. Bishops and counselors who listen

29. hot, comforting, egg-drop soup with cabbage

30. pumpkin seeds

31. sugar gliders that forgive me even when I don't play as often as I should, and still let me cuddle their soft fur

32. Shasta that welcomes me home, waging and barking

33. Perry Mason, when I can still find it

34. pumpkin, the wonder food for ALL living things!

35. Bratanik, the Tortoise, getting healthier and more adjusted to his new situation

36. good sugar-free gum

37. General Conference talks

38. pancakes

39. cell phones that carry a charge longer than a day

40. my Wonder Woman journal

41. safe little heaters in my house

42. non-idiot doctors

43. parties with LinkUp friends

44. fascinating photography and art

45. Missions and missionaries who know why they are REALLY out there

46.Hope, when it's there.

47. the END of day light savings time

48. the Russian Tortoise group on Yahoo

49. good dreams

50. You.

Things I am not Grateful For...

Yeah, I know. I am a jerk. But hurting everyday and feeling like I am being pushed into becoming a drug addict is just pissing me off.

I still hurt everyday and nobody can see a reason why.
I am scheduled for a colonoscopy next week.
Dr. ScrewIt told me he doesn't see any reason why I should hurt and that I should just "walk it off," "push through the pain," "play broken," and about 19,000 other sports metaphors until I "lose ONE HUNDRED POUNDS" and hopefully "that should take care of it."

Oh. Well, is THAT all. Just lose 100 lbs, WHILE having debilitating, unexplained pain no less, and maybe it might not hurt. Be a druggie a year or so. No biggie. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!

He is not nearly as cute as before.

And I am still hurting just as bad and still have little to no hope.

no appendicitis, no better

don't want to write and too much morphine (well, enough to make me stupid, not enough to make me not hurt) to do it correctly anyway, but an update.
more cat scans in the ER and an ultrasound
I don't have appendicitis.
I don't have visible cysts.
I just have pain nobdy can fix.
so they sent me home shaking thier heads, the ER doc was really nice but worried. I am at the parent's now. I miss my gliders.

everything smells like playdoh?

More specialists tomorrow, but they probably won't find anything. I am cultivating my own ailments for the worserment of mankind. I am germ warfare. I am ready to lose.

Dr.Trelawny, Dr. Screwit, and the Politics of a Unicorn T-Shirt

Today's doctor adventures were at least a little DIFFERENT. I am still in pain... they still don't REALLY know why... but at least it wasn't the same doctors or ALL the same tests.

Did you know there is something I hate more than shots and needles? My horrible veins. I am really REALLY hard to get blood from. I warn every nurse and phlebotomist that I'm a "hard stick." When they ask me which arm I like I tell them I have no preference, but instead tell them what locations have worked most recently... my hand, my wrist, etc. There are different reactions... some are nice and try to be as helpful as possible, using very small needles, getting people in the office who are really good at it to come in, etc. Others poke in wherever, then fish under the skin, which is awful. Some get very angry and prideful, like I have insulted their skill by suggesting they might not get it... and THEN are even madder when they CAN'T like I am purposely hiding my blood from them.

Anyway, I woke up and went straight to one hospital lab for my white blood count. As usual it was difficult, but the nurse was a nice one... and GOOD. She didn't poke 'til she found it (no fishing!) got it on only one try! Yay! Then I went to meet with my new primary care doctor. That's right. No more Dr. Hasacrazywife. Not that he is the one I most want to be rid of (anyone know an endocrinologist in Utah county, preferably that takes Altius, BESIDES Dr. NYB?) but I needed a doctor and I didn't want to keep going to UrgentCare. But Dr. Hasacrazywife is now only working, like, 3 hours a day. I think he has a brain tumor? I think... he's DYING. I feel terrible since he's one of my only doctors who is NOT an idiot, but we were going to have to change at the end of this month to an Altius doc anyway... and I couldn't get an appointment about this stupid Appendicitis-ish mystery, so now I have a new general practitioner.

She is out in American Fork and reminds me a little of Professor Trelawny. Like all the others, she was similarly perplexed by my test results. At the end of her own examination she diagnosed it as POSSIBLY an early, very slow moving, appendicitis. She recommended exploratory surgery, ordered a bunch of tests (including, yes, a stool because...

hee hee hee!

Anyway, she also really wanted us to have the gastroenterologist check over her tests, see if he thought the same, add more, take any away, and basically see what HE thought about me just getting surgery regardless. Since I had HIS appointment right after his, the 2nd opinion seemed natural.

I had never met this doctor yet either and, truth be told, I was a little taken aback by the fact that we was pretty dang CUTE. Gastroenterology should NOT be a CUTE field of work. It's a little... disturbing. AND he was VERY nice. And liked my shirt a lot... but kept trying to find meaning in it.

"I LOVE your shirt. What does it MEAN?"
"Ummm... like, it's a unicorn... like Uni... Corn."
"I know, but what does it mean politically?"
"Nothing?"
"Really?"
"As far as I know."
"But... corn? Maybe like renewable energy? Biodegradable plastics? fuel?"
"Maybe it COULD... if you wanted, but I don't think it meant to."
"Oh... Still. I love it. Yellow is my color, though. I am very much a yellow guy."

Yeah. He is an ODD doctor. (and, yes, Threadless rocks my world.)


He also went on for FOREVER at one point in the exam with this story about if you were in the woods and there were bears after you and you would pee your pants... and I swear he mentioned peeing your pants, like, 3 times... and kept going on with a LOT of details about this bear attack. The message was stress can make the ulcer worse (umm... Duh?) but he was really INTO his story. Mom and I both admitted in the car we would have told him to shut up and GET to the POINT if we didn't both think he was cute. THAT was kinda funny.

When he wanted to change my meds and I mentioned that I WOULD change meds, but that it was quite expensive and the insurance had already denied it, he said "Oh, Screw it! I'll give you all the samples you need!" Yes, I LIKE this doctor. He also concurred with Dr. Trelawny's tests and so we were sent to the hospital to get those started... and he recommended checking into the ER in the pain got worse because he thought I would be needing a surgeon but, like the others keep saying, "your presentation is... 'abnormal.' I just don't know!"

The next tests were BAD. They were with the type of nurses who are angry that they can't get my blood. Angry and FISHING. She hurt a lot and achieved next to nothing, dumb CBCs again... seeing if my white cells are going up, oh shocker, THEY ARE and they still don't know what is going on, bet you ANYTHING.

I went home and cried and cried. I hit a really bad low. I wanted to die... but I didn't. Instead I gave Bratanik a bath, half listened to a movie, and fell asleep, bawling.

You should not take naps that late, I know. It was long... and when I woke up, The Roomie was asleep and the gliders were awake. It was about 10 pm. Today was Heber's birthday. Well, observed. It is the day I brought him home and we guessed he was about 5 then, so he is about 8 now. My little man. I love him so much. I planned to do something extra fun for him for dinner... like persimmons as they are his favorite, but instead he just got peas because I felt... drained. He likes peas too. And HE doesn't know it's his birthday anyway (but either do human babies, right?). I cuddled him and gave him yogurt treats, though. So I woke up in time to pay some attention to the babies, especially my boy, and then take pain meds and fall back into a bit of a stupor.... watch a Heroes... and cry some more...

but a little less.
Because at least I have gliders who need me.

reruns

My days are becoming... repetitive. Yesterday I did go to work because we needed to go to a school for a presentation with Journey North and I have been writing our program for that. But I just HURT a lot and spent the rest of the day at Utah Valley Hospital. But other than things I CAN'T get out of, I am not working because I just hurt too much and feel ill all the time. The ulcer is not healing... at least that is probably why I still hurt whenever I eat anything... or don't eat anything for that matter. Tomorrow I meet with a gastroenterologist about that. That crazy appendix/ovary/etc. place in my bottom ride side hurts as does my back like it wants to kill me and they have no idea why so, yes, tomorrow I get another blood test and probably an ultrasound and once again see what the hospital thinks THIS time.

Everyday I just hurt and probably watch Heroes on my mom's online Netflix thing (yay!) and eat nothing good and think too much and get sad.

I miss work on a regular basis.
I miss less pain.
I miss... well, that's unrelated, but yes Thanksgiving is coming and that is when Fresno and I had our first real date and I hate that because he keeps being in my dumb dreams.

My Depression has been pretty bad lately, too, for obvious reasons, so that doesn't help.

Oh, and then today I got in a mini-fight with my Sister/boss because SHE lost a spare key at work and she asked if I knew where it was. I said I was sorry, but no. She was frustrated with the situation and took it out on me. She asked if maybe I took it and maybe I couldn't remember because of pain pills. Geez. Thanks for basically calling me a junky, Rinn.

I am going to feed the sugar babies and go to bed early. I am not actually tired... I am just tired of today being here.

Yup. Part 3. CRAP FEST.

Another day, another CAT scan (showing nothing) and blood test (showing my white cells going UP... not getting better). Sent me home again, on antibiotics and told to come back AGAIN for ANOTHER blood test.

Because basically they are telling me I MIGHT still have appendicitis... they just don't SEE it.
Or the ovary thing... and they will do an ultrasound next.
Or it might be something completely unrelated.

I am tired and I just HURT. I am so tired of this. Seriously, I know I am starting to sound whiney but... Jobette.

Topical Guide Part 2... and starting on Part 3...

Okay, so I wasn't JUST talking about appendicitis because it was a part I had left. Fact is the place hurting the worst happens to BE in the lower right part of my gut... and... yeah. Likely.

So on Sunday night my mom convinced me I needed to check and so I had to go to the UrgentCare. Well, the doc agreed it SEEMED like appendix, took blood and said my white count was a little high... the amount it WOULD be. And so sent me over to the hospital for a CAT Scan... but that seemed normal. However, he said even without the CAT Scan I needed it COULD still be appendicitis. He said if the same place was hurting in 24 hours, to come back and see if the white blood cells were still up.

They were, but not *ENOUGH* so AGAIN... I have to go back for ANOTHER, for blood test. Vials and vials everyday. I hate this. Every 24 hours. If things aren't better they may just DO surgery on NOTHING... but that AREA, it doesn't just have to be an appendix. It could be an ovary thing or a a lymph node on my intestines... anything in that location that might be causing me such pain. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME?

Still don't KNOW mind you, and I am still hurting, and will be getting more of those dumb tests, most likely tomorrow.

my topical guide is hurting?

all during the night I kept thinking( since my stomach was making me CRY) "where IS the appendix anyway?" And all I could think was "usually the back of the book."

Seriously, I don't THINK it's appendicitis, it's just one of the few things I've got LEFT that HASN'T been taken out of medicated. I am so tired of this. I am tired of hurting all the time. The head all the time is one thing... but I can't have my stomach eating me alive too, or else I can't take anything that HELPS the head.

2 funny random things happened this week. One was I saw a lady try to walk through a NON-automatic door as if it WERE automatic. And run RIGHT into it. It was SO hard not to laugh right out loud.

The other is I found a poodle in my yard yesterday. I hoped it's owner would come claim it, so I left it out there till today when it started to get rainy and cold. So I put up a sign at the mailboxes. Here it is:


That last part is because we have weirdos in our neighborhood and I don't want to encourage kids to go to strange houses with out telling parents. I know, this should make it clear *I* am a weirdo and live in the neighborhood but I mean CREEPY Weirdos. I am a NICE Weirdo.

And no, in case you are wondering I do NOT have Bird Flu

It's supposed to stop. Not ALL my pain, obviously, but the horrible stomach pain. It's SUPPOSED to stop. The doctors keep telling me "No, you should be fine now. Go ahead and eat regular food. Just nothing heavy or spicy." NO. No! It HURTS! It ALL hurts! I hate food. I hate EATING.
It HURTS ME. (However, at LEAST unlike the child with the stomach ache in the pic I found I am not, like, half human half pig(?))

And it is SUPPOSED to have stopped. The endoscopy showed ulcers, but that they were healing. If I just took it easy for awhile things would be okay. I am wondering now, with how my stomach feels, if something else is wrong too... because something is NOT getting better. My stomach is hurting all the time... and that's on top of the head stuff that never goes away. And other mystery pains (like girl stuff... What the HELL is going on down THERE?! My OBGYN sure has no clue, and my idiot endocrinologist doesn't care.). And my diabetes is CRAZY right now with now doing insulin though at least I FINALLY have competent HELP with it. Sigh.

Right now I am just hurting... hurting and watching old episodes of Heroes online because I only SAW, like, 4 of the first season, but liked them. So now I am sort of catching up and trying not to think about hurting since most everything, pill-wise just hurts me MORE. It is bad. What am I going to do? Meds are making me WORSE... pain pills make me have an ulcer. The ulcer meds are messing with my other pills. Etcetera... chemical confusion... and that's all the doctors will do. Confuse my body some more.

Had a dumb dream last night. Dumb because it involved Fresno. Also sad last night, Reepicheep, the one-winged (to be accurate, more like 1 and a half winged) Pipit, died. The Roomie is SO sad. She has worked so hard with him.
Rest in peace, Reepicheep. I am sorry we couldn't save you. If The Roomie couldn't, I don't know that you had a chance... but I am still sorry. You will be missed. You were a good little bird. Igor was confused, but he had a crush on you. And Critter, well, he annoys ALL the birds, but that little parakeet just ADORED you SO MUCH. He is mourning pretty badly now. We are worried about him. He makes me cry. He keeps looking for you and climbing into your cage, Reep. But don't worry, he will adapt. And You, well, you will be happy in Heaven. His eye is on the Pipits, too, you know.