Dr.Trelawny, Dr. Screwit, and the Politics of a Unicorn T-Shirt

Today's doctor adventures were at least a little DIFFERENT. I am still in pain... they still don't REALLY know why... but at least it wasn't the same doctors or ALL the same tests.

Did you know there is something I hate more than shots and needles? My horrible veins. I am really REALLY hard to get blood from. I warn every nurse and phlebotomist that I'm a "hard stick." When they ask me which arm I like I tell them I have no preference, but instead tell them what locations have worked most recently... my hand, my wrist, etc. There are different reactions... some are nice and try to be as helpful as possible, using very small needles, getting people in the office who are really good at it to come in, etc. Others poke in wherever, then fish under the skin, which is awful. Some get very angry and prideful, like I have insulted their skill by suggesting they might not get it... and THEN are even madder when they CAN'T like I am purposely hiding my blood from them.

Anyway, I woke up and went straight to one hospital lab for my white blood count. As usual it was difficult, but the nurse was a nice one... and GOOD. She didn't poke 'til she found it (no fishing!) got it on only one try! Yay! Then I went to meet with my new primary care doctor. That's right. No more Dr. Hasacrazywife. Not that he is the one I most want to be rid of (anyone know an endocrinologist in Utah county, preferably that takes Altius, BESIDES Dr. NYB?) but I needed a doctor and I didn't want to keep going to UrgentCare. But Dr. Hasacrazywife is now only working, like, 3 hours a day. I think he has a brain tumor? I think... he's DYING. I feel terrible since he's one of my only doctors who is NOT an idiot, but we were going to have to change at the end of this month to an Altius doc anyway... and I couldn't get an appointment about this stupid Appendicitis-ish mystery, so now I have a new general practitioner.

She is out in American Fork and reminds me a little of Professor Trelawny. Like all the others, she was similarly perplexed by my test results. At the end of her own examination she diagnosed it as POSSIBLY an early, very slow moving, appendicitis. She recommended exploratory surgery, ordered a bunch of tests (including, yes, a stool because...

hee hee hee!

Anyway, she also really wanted us to have the gastroenterologist check over her tests, see if he thought the same, add more, take any away, and basically see what HE thought about me just getting surgery regardless. Since I had HIS appointment right after his, the 2nd opinion seemed natural.

I had never met this doctor yet either and, truth be told, I was a little taken aback by the fact that we was pretty dang CUTE. Gastroenterology should NOT be a CUTE field of work. It's a little... disturbing. AND he was VERY nice. And liked my shirt a lot... but kept trying to find meaning in it.

"I LOVE your shirt. What does it MEAN?"
"Ummm... like, it's a unicorn... like Uni... Corn."
"I know, but what does it mean politically?"
"Nothing?"
"Really?"
"As far as I know."
"But... corn? Maybe like renewable energy? Biodegradable plastics? fuel?"
"Maybe it COULD... if you wanted, but I don't think it meant to."
"Oh... Still. I love it. Yellow is my color, though. I am very much a yellow guy."

Yeah. He is an ODD doctor. (and, yes, Threadless rocks my world.)


He also went on for FOREVER at one point in the exam with this story about if you were in the woods and there were bears after you and you would pee your pants... and I swear he mentioned peeing your pants, like, 3 times... and kept going on with a LOT of details about this bear attack. The message was stress can make the ulcer worse (umm... Duh?) but he was really INTO his story. Mom and I both admitted in the car we would have told him to shut up and GET to the POINT if we didn't both think he was cute. THAT was kinda funny.

When he wanted to change my meds and I mentioned that I WOULD change meds, but that it was quite expensive and the insurance had already denied it, he said "Oh, Screw it! I'll give you all the samples you need!" Yes, I LIKE this doctor. He also concurred with Dr. Trelawny's tests and so we were sent to the hospital to get those started... and he recommended checking into the ER in the pain got worse because he thought I would be needing a surgeon but, like the others keep saying, "your presentation is... 'abnormal.' I just don't know!"

The next tests were BAD. They were with the type of nurses who are angry that they can't get my blood. Angry and FISHING. She hurt a lot and achieved next to nothing, dumb CBCs again... seeing if my white cells are going up, oh shocker, THEY ARE and they still don't know what is going on, bet you ANYTHING.

I went home and cried and cried. I hit a really bad low. I wanted to die... but I didn't. Instead I gave Bratanik a bath, half listened to a movie, and fell asleep, bawling.

You should not take naps that late, I know. It was long... and when I woke up, The Roomie was asleep and the gliders were awake. It was about 10 pm. Today was Heber's birthday. Well, observed. It is the day I brought him home and we guessed he was about 5 then, so he is about 8 now. My little man. I love him so much. I planned to do something extra fun for him for dinner... like persimmons as they are his favorite, but instead he just got peas because I felt... drained. He likes peas too. And HE doesn't know it's his birthday anyway (but either do human babies, right?). I cuddled him and gave him yogurt treats, though. So I woke up in time to pay some attention to the babies, especially my boy, and then take pain meds and fall back into a bit of a stupor.... watch a Heroes... and cry some more...

but a little less.
Because at least I have gliders who need me.