Friday, October 13, 2006

The Real Reason

I have told boys that I may like but I am scared of because they kissed me that I am moving and am not sure what my new number will be. (It was true. But I could call later, couldn't I? But I didn't.)

I have told boys that I do like a lot that I do not have time to deal with my medical and anxiety issues and liking someone at the same. (Very true. And there is that whole rule that I
keep breaking about how I need to not fall for people unless they are MORE mentally stable than myself no matter how sweet they are. But...)

I have told myself that I am focusing on getting my life in order first, ala Runaway Bride (You will laugh but I truly believe that RB has in it some of the truest relationship laws in the universe, despite the fact it is a clich
e chick flick and I will lay that philosophy out later. Maybe.).

I have told myself that I am using things like moving as a way to soften the blow to boys who's lifestyles are unsuitable to my own, church-wise.

I have told truths, I have told lies... The funny thing is, I think I have made many many RIGHT choices... but for the wrong reason.

The real reason is I am scared. So very scared.
There have been very few boys that I have allowed clos
e enough to my heart that they COULD hurt me. Most, even my first/last/only kiss, PoetryBoy, was kept at a very safe distance from my heart. But SpeedyGus was there... TexasBoy was there. Parker was sort of, but just that platonic part so yeah, he COULD I guess if he was a jerk, but not quite the same, just the same as a girl could. But not like the boys could. And they did. Both of them. They took such a huge chunk of my soul and left without a good bye. SG took so long to get over that TB was a huge risk. A risk I took... and fell hard, harder than ever before. And I sound like one of those high school girls whose summer crush dumps them who swears to their mom nobody will ever be the same... but I feel like... he ruined me.

Like that part of my heart won't grow back.

I am moving (and I don't want you to be TexasBoy.)

I do not have time (and I don't want you to be TexasBoy.)

I am focusing on getting my life in order first (and I don't want them to be TexasBoy.)

Long after being hurt and OVER this person randomly he invades my thoughts and expectations of others... perhaps ALL other boys, to their detriment. And so, even though he doesn't matter (*repeats "HE DOESN'T MATTER!" 3 times to herself*) a little after midnight when my old roomie/friend Ehu Roomie (NOT your fault, Chica!!!!) pointed out to me he was now claiming he was married (whether he actually is or not, whatever...), I don't know, I sort of flipped out. I felt everything all over again. Hurt, lied to, bloody pissed off, sad... I took it out (and hopefully he did not know) even on the truly adorable boy that was charmingly flirting with me at the time lest he too be a TB... a liar by very existence, here to make me happy and then cry.

To those I was talking with this morning/last night... to colorchrome, to Ehu, to
Molly, but especially to you, if you read this... whether now or after the email. The stupid email. I am so sorry.


  1. No, seriously, is there something in the water? So many people are going through this right now!
    My therapist had me write goodbye letters and some other more personal things. But the letters helped. Might be worth a shot.

  2. yeah... write a goodbye letter - that's a good idea. (only I would mail it, personally... gah)

    I'm sorry that this happened chica, but I truly understand what kind of thing you're going through. I think we've all been there.

    ((((((loves for kip)))))

  3. Hmm...Is it going around? That's lame.

    Things will get better. You will learn to not be so scared and to have confidence in yourself and faith in others that they won't hurt you. Especially since you will find someone who WON'T hurt you.

    I have yet to meet that person for myself but I have faith and hope that he is out there.