Tuesday, October 24, 2006
grasping at straws?
I am hurting so badly today, but I have HOPE! Hope, people! HOPE!
I am still waiting on Echocardiograms, ultrasounds, etc. and I still have a load of blood tests tomorrow. However, one of the straws I was grasping at, my physical therapist, he was checking if it was related. I had NO faith in that because my neck isn't sore, even when he wiggled it around. Then suddenly he pushed something not just at the base of my skull, but up in it somehow? Anyway, he said "Hmmm... I think I found it. Does this hurt?" Pushes in this mysterious skull spot and I almost threw up it hurt so bad in exactly the same spot it hurts the worst everyday! He made me feel AWFUL and I wanted to cry with JOY! I mean, geeze! If he can MAKE it hurt, maybe maybe maybe he can make it NOT HURT because it was the RIGHT SPOT! Right? RIGHT?!
I don't have ANSWERS, really, not all of them. But still this is the first time I have felt even remotely happy at the chance of someday recovery!!!!! Not *immediate* recovery... but something THERE... an answer of some sort.
Really, I am not a healthy person. I know this. But it is sort of like that story about the crowded house. I think it is a Jewish folktale. A family lives in a tiny cramped cottage and can't stand the closeness and goes to the wise old man of the village to say he needs a bigger place. The wise man says he can fix the problem. He tells the man to bring his ox into the house. The man protests, but obeys. Now it is even more crowded and it smells. He goes back to the old man and he says things are worse, but the old man says to bring in his goat. Same thing. Chickens, etc. (Yes, I am butchering this. Sarah Stanley of Avonlee I am not.) The family can not stand it anymore. They can barely move or breathe. Finally the wise old man tells them to put things in their place again, animals out in the farm and such and the family is very very happy and the house seems huge. They are happy with what they have.
That's me. I feel like this month long headache has just been those animals in my house. And I will be happy with my diabetes, depression, etc. if I can just STOP THE HEADACHE!!! Maybe this was meant to be a lesson in gratitude. I do not know. But seriously. I just want my headache gone. That's all I ask. Maybe the Physical Therapist can do it. Heaven knows none of the doctors so far have been able to figure out anything.
I am not really all holistic, or anti-doctor... well I AM anti-doctor but just because they scare me, you know? But I also am ready to try ANYTHING to get this pain under control!
But that is why I am pretty happy even though I am hurting pretty bad right now. YAY!
However, I am also a little happy and girly because more than one nice and funny boy has flirted with me today. *grins* I am feeling awfully cute today... though, to be objective about my cuteness neither of those boys can SEE me through the computer screen but STILL felt cuter today. HA! (it helped that I realized that NONE of my jeans fit today because they kept falling down, which is one of the few GOOD not fittings there is. Also because none of these resulted in an actual public mooning. hee hee!)
I am watching a Law and Order: SVU that I probably shouldn't because I relate a little TOO well to it and it is giving me a stomachache. About mental illness and stuff... and it... anyway, it is really familiar in an un-fun way. Sometimes it is not so great to hear names of pills you know... and take... reminds me things I deal with, and feel a little less hopeful. You know? SIGH. And HOPE as you know, is the order of the day. And so I think I need to watch something silly. And unrelated to my own life. And happier. I need to be HAPPY tonight. And I want some chocolate. But I will have to settle for... let's see... sugar-free juice bars.