Confusicopia

My blog is more journal than, I don't know, BLOG.  I write for myself mostly, and someday I may even print it all out into a book. Who knows.  But I am still curious if anyone reads me anymore. It's not important. I don't get paid like I do for the Examiner and writing for nobody but myself does not bother me.  But I am still curious.

Anyway, I have been on a little bit shaky ground with MyNigerian.  Nothing has HAPPENED, it is just so hard to not be in the same dang country that sometimes I get a little weird.  And I don't like his little expiration date of December.  I mean if he wants to date other people, just do it. Don't make it be December when he already knows I can't come. I dunno. It's frustrating.  I guess I just feel like I need to start falling out of love so it doesn't hurt so much. Mom reminds me if it is meant to be it will work out, and if it isn't it won't. But my health and other circumstances are such that it's just probably not going to work.

But the thing is, and I am not being negative here, I am being realistic, how many chances do you think I am going to have?  TexasBoy... Fresno... MyNigerian. Each felt like a miracle.

And then there is the BrazilianVampire.  He swooped right in yesterday, reminding me "I like you how you are" and telling me he'd kiss me and he would move to Utah and pay for a trip to Brazil.  He told me so many things, right when I was feeling my saddest about Ola, that it was tempting.

But that is so literally what he is: Temptation.

He is not an active member of the church and has no desires to go back.  He drinks. He gambles.  He would screw up my life.  It would be worse than PoetryBoy.

How many chances?

I want Ola. I want him and his spiritual powerhouse ways and his sweet words and everything.  And I think I am not going to get him.  I just feel like swearing. DAMNIT.

I hurt.


My HEART hurts.

And it goes with out saying my HEAD HURTS.

OY.  Other than that, I just finished The Castle Corona. Reading is my escape.  I kept getting stories mixed up though (I blame the headache) They were asking what the corno (like a cornucopia) could mean and all I could think was DUH, the thing in the middle of the Game where all the weapons are!  Only that was not IN sweet little Castle Corona. THAT was in Catching Fire of the Hunger Games trilogy. HA!

I just started Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell and it seems interesting.  Maybe I'll go read now.  My brain is tired.