I always thought I had seen it before, but apparently I was wrong and now I HAVE and it is FUNNY!Last night I dreamed The Roomie was really mad at me because the house was so chaotic. (And she wouldn't let my home teachers come and yelled at them. I had to ride a giant bike, like 20 feet tall... to go tell them so.) And when I woke up I found out it wasn't SO far off. I mean, it WAS... no bikes, or getting MAD, but she had written me (because we don't do confrontation face-to-face very well) about how things were out of control. I knew that and so it made me feel even EXTRA crappy and depressed, but I was still glad she wrote, you know?
Like I told her, I have always had a problem with STUFF and being organized... and I know it's gotten worse and worse. It's a self defeating behavior... Getting "bargains" makes me feel happy, but having clutter (and worse, making HER and others feel bad!) makes me feel crappy... It is stupid because I can SEE myself cycling, but I still do it. I know it's one of my "behaviors" with my OCD and Depression, but it is one I REALLY need to work on because it most affects other people. I would feel awful if my stuff chased her out of the house!!!
So why do I KNOW this, and still want to cry when I think about getting rid of things? And worse, why still freaking SHOP?!But, I did to some real, FlyLady-style organizing today. Not a LOT of it... but I made, as my mom calls it "a dent" in the family room and re-vowed to have an empty sink always. And I mean it.
I even got a Storage Unit. It may not be a very smart thing to do, economically... I need to get RID of stuff, not make room for it, but I thought, maybe if I have somewhere empty to take it... sort it... store SOME of it. My little garage away from home. So I did it. It is sort of a secret though.
And my stomach hurts so bad tonight I am afraid that ulcer is going to eat right through the lining and skin and pour out my shirt. And my head isn't much better than that. Urrgh. Doctors. Shots. Bruises left by every injection (how do I not get those?) Pills. PAIN. I hate my body. I hate it as much as it seems to hate ME.
Just reading the beginning of this I was thinking, "You just need to get it organized, not get rid of it." Lol. But hey, if you ever need someone to help you organize or whatever, I can totally help with that. :)
ReplyDeleteyeah - I am like uber organizer and could help too - but I would probably make you get rid of a LOT of stuff... so that might not be as helpful...
ReplyDeleteMAYBE we should have a garage sale! :D Money is always good.
ReplyDeleteYard Sales go over better in the summer, though. So I am hoping I can accomplish the same (not feel as bad about getting rid of stuff I still like if I can at least get some moolah) with eBay, craigslist, and KSL.
ReplyDeleteI think if there was some way to get you better organization space in the basement so there are places to PUT things. I'm amazed at what I can store with my Ikea boxes and floor to ceiling shelves. ;)
ReplyDeleteyou are trying to purchase something that you never had or replace something that was never in your life, and so with your desperate search to acquire and take care of things, etc. It is not what you truly want or need so then it is not treasured and is just stacked and piled, yet, the original feelings of why you bought something or took something in is still very real and true so you then have trouble with parting with it. YOu could have OCD qualities of perfection so severely that it parallyzes you from actually cleaning or decluttering. Because you have to have everything perfect. It is a true condition. If you are not diagnosed. You might want to look into this. My mom exhibits these same qualities. She can still function and people can still come over but she is very close to the edge. She had childhood issues and trauma that these tendencies came through.
ReplyDeleteNo Chrys, you ARE right. I know, I was diagnosed with OCD (which as MESSY as I am seems FUNNY to my mom. Like "shouldn't you be CLEANER then? But it's more like, I can't be clean ENOUGH so why try? or something. I dunno.) but it is just a post script on the end of my Depression and all the rest of my messed-up-edness. So who cares? It's like, the extra stuff... stuff I can't do anything about. Or if I can, it is buried in everything else. If that makes sense. Maybe after I get more under control I can address that too. For now I just feel... BROKEN.
ReplyDeletemaybe you're looking at it backwards... maybe getting IT under control could help everything else....
ReplyDelete