Sunday, November 4, 2007

dis jointed

When I am super struggling with depression I either do not write at all or inundate you with entries. I guess this time is the latter. Sorry.

I left church right after the sacrament. Not Sacrament MEETING. The actual Sacrament. I was having a really yucky anxiety attack, and decided it wasn't worth it to be there. I could hardly hear the words being said by the man speaking, my heart was beating all weird and I thought with trying to get my sugars balanced there WAS a chance it might NOT be a panic attack anyway. I felt sick and like I could not sit still. I almost ran out of the chapel. I checked my blood and it wasn't WAY high (just 222) just a little, nor was it low, but I stayed at home anyway, but decided I couldn't do that either. I had to GO somewhere. I felt a little like driving crazy fast in the canyon but decided that was not a safe release right now, so instead I drove to the Padres and decided at least there I could talk to Mom when she got home from her own meetings. She isn't here yet.

What is it about anxiety disorder that makes you feel like your arms and legs are going to go in all different dirrections? Like you have to run away? Like your brain will burst if you STAY somewhere, even somewhere you KNOW you should be.. like CHURCH... a place that is good. A place that is safe. I should have brought my journal. MAYBE I could have written some of my panic out and stayed longer. But I didn't and so I escaped instead.

If Mom doesn't get home soon I may not even get to talk to her anyway (unless this clock has not been changed yet? Let me check. No, it has) because my home teachers are coming over at 4:30. I don't want them to even come. But I do not want to be difficult to visit. They are doing what THEY should. And I should support that. But I don't want to have to face THEM and have THEM wonder (nor do I want to TELL them, though) why I left mid-meeting today.


Oh, and today a song made me cry because it reminded me of Fresno. Sorta figured I was done with THAT, you know? Don't know when I will be. I am certainly not pleased with other "prospects" that like me, and usually the idea of remaining single forever is okay with me so long as I have my critters, but sometimes it sounds pretty depressing. Like when I am, you know, DEPRESSED?!

I am glad I have, at least, an interesting roommate. I really hope I don't chase her away with my clutter and problems. We do weird stuff like learn how to clip bird's wings and other rescue stuff (we have a new rescue right now, a pipit with one wing, who we thought was a thrush) and right now we are experimenting (on us and the animals) with SOUND THERAPY. Basically it sounds like we are listening to alien music... or are robots. It is funny. Some of it is just plain wacko. But some of it is... interesting. Anyway, it is pretty fun and it is something to do.

Sure, it's not roommate stuff like water balloon wars with the boys next door like Rinny, or even wearing wigs in WalMart or driving around making the giant teddy bear wave, which was HILARIOUS... but it is a unique roomie experience. So we have been listening to alien music and giggling at it and the responses of the animals to it.

I should go home for the home teachers now. Also I should feed Bratanik. He probably is a bit confused why we are all acting an hour later than usual.


  1. Oh, Kip, at least you went to church. :) I dunno -- DH has anxiety too, and has tried to explain how the panic attacks will just hit him and he has to run away. Fast Sunday has been dubbed "baby Sunday" at our house -- there are usually at least two, up to FIVE babies being blessed in our ward every month, and the chapel is CROWDED. Between his anxiety and our infertility, he doesn't even attempt to go on baby Sunday anymore.

    Not that any of that helps, just letting you know you're really not alone in the panic attacks. Even at church.

  2. I agree with Stewbert, at least you took the sacrament. I don't even make it that far some times. I've had my share of panic attacks too. I am sorry, they are so disturbing to me and I wish I had wise words of wisdom for you. :-)