crash and burn

I have been having a super sucky day. It's just stupid Depression stuff. I spent the day with my parents at my house, trying to get me Cable for Christmas. It was nice of them but I didn't even care. Then my mom didn't want to leave because she saw how I was. I wanted them to GO AWAY. But I was depressed anyway and Padre being there just multiplied it by 10 and it was just such a bad day, for no real reason, either.... just... being Me.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Because, apparently, I was way too happy. I feel like screaming and swearing and crying and sleeping... mostly sleeping and not waking up to thought.

I really really really like Fresno. Maybe even love him. I have told him about my Depression and ADHD and stuff. But even though he says he understands and stuff, I don't think he can. He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't, I don't even know me. Nobody deserves to have to deal with me on a full-time basis.

I just don't know how to tell him with out making him think there is another reason. How do you tell someone they are too good and nice to have to be with freak out crying girl? Without them arguing?

Funniest. Blogthing. EVER.

You May Be Pregnant

Yup, you could be preggars! See a doctor to confirm, okay?

Are You Pregnant?

(I have a stomach flu, remember?)

p.s. If you don't know me and thus don't get the joke...
I am:
1. not sexually active
2. in actuality, a virgin
3. a Mormon
4. a little confused at why you are reading my blog, not that I mind...

[p.p.s. EDIT: I think I fixed the broken link. You can now all take this completely unmedical exam... If you wanted to.]

"500 of 'em!" "Yeah! Babies Everywhere!"

Another Sunday not in Church, but this time it had more to do with my stomach than my head, though my head is always part of it. Some days I HATE MY GUTS!!! And I mean that in the very real, literal sense. My Gut hates me too. Which is why I am punishing it by eating things like Jello (YUCK.) and Pepto (DOUBLE YUCK.). That'll teach it!

In other news, I FINALLY finished blogging my Christmas in Hawai'i so if you feel the desire to watch slide show after slide show of my sybs making faces, dolphins jumping really high (So long and thanks for all the fish?), me looking very uncomfortable with the other end of a camera, and sea turtles, well, just laying there, then GO HERE.

However, the coolest show is probably watching my little brother eat sand in an effort to boogie board where real surfers are. There is no sounds but you can scream with pain during some it and it makes it funnier. If, you know, you are a mean older sis who finds it kind of hilarious to watch her little brother be devoured by monster waves. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! I know, I am mean. But he didn't DIE. I would be sad if he actually DIED. I promise.

In other other news, yes, I am a "Utah Mormon" and hate Jello. Even, and especially, green with stuff cut up in it. However, I kind of like Jello Jigglers. I know it is the same stuff, but when they are hard enough they ALMOST taste like gummy bears. Thus NOT the same.

In other other other news, I just got off the phone with Fresno. He is just... amazing. [Caution: Girly Gushing ahead. Feel free to skip if you want to.] Sometimes it just sort of floors me that he still likes me... he is so *cute* and there are other girls that like him, some that I am sure are cuter... or at least CLOSER to his home in California.

But then also sometimes him liking me and me liking him makes the most sense of anything in the world. Like every time we talk, we think the same things are funny, even really stupid things like pretending to talk to each other like dolphins. We feel the same way about animals (except for his fear/loathing of monkeys) and how they should be treated. We both get on the same soapboxes about parenting issues and most political issues. He is far better than I am about church stuff, but makes me want to be better than I am. He works hard, he is intelligent and articulate, but so silly.

Fresno. is. AWESOME. But there is always that chance that things won't work out. And even though I am feeling really good about all this (which is odd for me), that chance is bigger while it's long distance. So we are just in Live and See mode. But sometimes it still scares me to get my hopes up... to get too emotionally invested.

But the fact is I already am. My hopes are way way up, I am very emotionally invested, and were things with him to go the way of, well, TexasBoy, it would be a LOT worse than with TexasBoy. Because this is different. He's different. All of it is different... but that is good because I do not want things to end the same.
In fact, I don't want thing to end. Period.


Today we were talking about, well, mostly silliness. Napoleon Dynamite and especially the Nutrigrain Ad that I ADORE. And then suddenly we were talking about a really spiritual experience he had had while driving and just thinking about future plans in regards to when to move to Utah and all that and things just being Okay and just.. yeah, the whole us thing. And he is telling me all this and it was just... so good. And he is right. Everything is going to be okay, whatever way it works out, timing and such, whatever. It will just work out for the best.

SIGH. Yeah.

In other other other other news my baby bro is turning NINETEEN this Saturday! Last night I dreamed that I was a little kid, like toddler age. Like Muppet Babies (Yes. AGAIN except it was us and not our kids). I was about 3 or 4, so was Rinny, and so were T-La and Megs. But BoyKid was not. I remember thinking "how weird, we are all babies, but he is the same age he always is!" But when I woke up I realized that that age was about 13. And I was right. In my brain, my little brother is forever 13. But now I am 6 years off. Wacky!

In other other other other other news if you are ever feeling crappy watch thing and you really will feel GREAT! Or at least terrified. Or both.

But seriously, it makes me laugh out loud EVERY time... and I have watched it at least 20 times.

In other other other other other other news I want some chocolate... or garlic bread...
or really, anything NORMAL/yummy (not crackers, Jello, chicken broth, medicine, Gatorade, etc.). But I only want it ONCE if you know what I mean. BLEH. I hate being sick. (But I feel GREAT!!! YEEEAAAH!!! Hee hee!)

Girly Girly Copy Cat

Because I am a copy cat.

You are a Cautious Red Light Dater

Your dating motto is "slow and steady wins the race" You prefer a long courtship to a whirlwind romance This doesn't mean that you are anti-social or cold You just need time to warm up to the right guy You're online dating style? You are likely to take your time on your profile Then, wait and see what kind of guy emails you As you get more comfortable, you meet more people.

What's Your Dating Speed?

True. However, I just find it funny that they use "red light " at all. (Oh, and yeah that was the other thing my dad got SO mad at me for in Hawai'i was because I made a hooker joke in front of my little brother. *rolls eyes* Whatever.)

Your Guy Could Bring You Home

When it comes to meeting the parents, you're cool and calm. In fact, you're so self assured, you may forget to try to impress them. Work that famous charm a little more, and your boyfriend's family will be loving you.

Would He Bring You Home to Mom?

I am not so sure about this. You see, I have a VERY bad history with Moms. Not MINE, I love MY mom, but she is cool. Most of my friends' moms, though are NOT. Actually, most of the Friends' Mothers I know, well I hate them and they hate me. Gilch's Mom... Parker's mom... Patrice's Mom... Dwayn-O's Mom... let's just say I am not really a mom fan, per say . So I secretly fear ever having a mother-in-law. I don't know... but seriously, some of the Mom's I know have SO screwed up their kids who are my friends, I just have a hard time with that.

You Are 32% Girly

You are a pretty hardcore tomboy, and a very free spirit. Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

How Girly Are You?

But I so DO watch Gilmore Girls.

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

Does this mean I don't have to get my Bachelor's degree first?

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise! Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro. If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you. You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

Apparently, by "having enough practice" they mean training your best guy friends to be boyfriends and husbands of other girls. Because otherwise, they are on crack.

Besides, if I am professional, then shouldn't I be getting paid? Because I could really use a job.

But wouldn't that go back to the "red light" issue, once AGAIN?!

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle. You know that love isn't like a greeting card... Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings. You are the best of both worlds Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious. Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic?

"Almost any guy can find balance with you." Ummm... that is not actually that complimentary or hopeful.

Your Ideal Marriage Proposal Is

Mutual, after a great conversation about your future and feelings.

What's Your Ideal Marriage Proposal?

Mutual. Huh. Yeah that sounds romantic. Lame.

Keep Him :-)

This guy's got marriage on the brain - and should propose soon... That is, if you play your cards right. Keep doing what you're doing. Marriage material guy doesn't like drama - or hot today, cold tomorrow relationships. So keep it flowing peacefully, and you'll capture his heart. How to make sure you're ready: Make sure that you love marriage minded guy because he's a fantastic catch - not because he's eager to walk down the aisle.

Is He Marriage Material?

I believe it... but where is the quiz that asks if *I* am Marriage Material?!

Your Reputation Is: Sweet Girl

While you're well known, there's nothing to worry about. You're reputation is mostly good - as good as any rep can be.

What's Your Reputation?

Hee hee hee hee.... true. To people who don't know me too *well* anyway.

You Are 38% Scary

You scare men off occasionally, but only very weak men. You're a normal woman. You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close.

Do You Scare Off Men?

Good. I don't WANT a weak man anyway!

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself You're the perfect blend of independent and caring You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

Debatable.

You Are a Sensitive Kisser

For you, kissing is a way to connect And you need lot of care, attention, and privacy It may take you a while to kiss someone... But when you do, it's total fireworks

What's Your Kissing Style?

Sensitive, eh? Maybe that's why it made my lips buzz... allergies? ;O) hee hee hee!

What You Know About Your Guy: A Fair Amount

You know enough about your guy to keep dating him But you don't know enough to decide if he's the one If you've been dating for less than six months, give it time Otherwise, he might be hiding a secret side of himself!

How Well Do You Know Your Man?

It was politics. While I know his leanings I do not know if he actually voted. And thus I drop from knowing well to knowing fair. Oh well, works for me so far.

Your Candy Heart Is "BE MINE"

You've got your eye on someone, that's for sure And you're hoping for a little spark to erupt Make it happen on Valentine's day by going from friendly to flirty Or if you're shy, at least play Secret Admirer

What Candy Conversation Heart Are You?

You're Almost Ready to Get Married, But Not Quite

No doubt that you've warmed up to the idea of marriage and life long love You just aren't quite ready to follow up with your desires, yet. You may be a bit young, or a bit commitment phobic... give it time. Concentrate on guys who you can imagine being with next year. Forever can wait.

Are You Ready To Get Married?

Oh. There IS one. Huh.












And Steph, this one is so for you...

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Claire Danes

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

Resolutions... How 'Bout It?

I have been blogging my brains out the last few days. I know it doesn't look it, but the thing is I am STILL writing about my family's trip to Hawai'i! I am almost done writing it... but then I have a zillion pictures to share.... ("Slide show... boring! Losing... Consciousness!" ~The Tick) so I am still working on it. Because dang it all, this may be my blog, but I ALSO print it out and it goes in my JOURNAL. So I can't skimp on Hawai'i even if all y'all have no real interest in reading it, I am compelled to write it for myself. Whether it is more because I am a closet Molly Mormon or a wannabe author I am not sure, but the result is the same: The Library of Skittles Deferred gets a dose of Hawaiian Punch. Okay, random tangent, but do you remember those commercials where the little guy jumps out and hits people? I am pretty sure they had those and I didn't dream them... Did I? I think those were real. And violent! Only now I am not sure I didn't imagine them. I need to check YouTube.

Anyway... Now, for my Resolutions of 2007!
Once again I go to my favorite goal-making scripture Luke 2:52 (My favorite goal-ACCOMPLISHING scripture is Philippians 4:13). Talking about the way the Savior improved himself as a young man it says only "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and favour with God and man."

So those are my categories to improve in... Wisdom (Intellectual), Stature (Physical), Favor with God (Spiritual), and Favor with Man (Social). I have about a gazillion things to improve in in all those things, but if I have them ALL I won't do ANY, and so it is better just to do a few (and then make new resolutions later on in the year). So, here are mine:

Wisdom

1. I will get a tutor and re-enroll in ASL classes and make strides toward getting my interpreter's license. I will practice DAILY.
2. I will get a job so that my parents have to help me as little as possible
3. I will cook at least one real food from a real *recipe* per week
4. I will begin working on a real-ish online portfolio for professional illustration of children's books and possibly start trying to get in with Cricket (because it is my favorite magazine ever) or other real companies.
5. I will write either: a poem, a chunk of any story, some piece of atypical prose (ie: not a normal blog) once a week, either on paper or in blog, whatever.

Stature

1. I will be much more careful about sticking to the meal plans set up by my dietitian and meds in order to control my Diabetes.
2. I will eat wise choices (see above) and exercise more days than I do not, mostly water aerobics, with the end goal of being healthier and losing about 75 pounds, but with the emphasis on the HEALTH not the actual weight. But yeah. 75.
3. I will continue to fight the depression that seems so overwhelming in trying to deal with the headache thing (Now officially-ish diagnosed as Occipital Neuralgia) by being an active part in my health care and searching for answers and doctors. Also I will take the meds I am supposed to even when I feel sad and don't feel like it.
4. I will drink a LOT more water.
5. I will use the awesome resource of support that is my friends.
6. I will fit into cute t-shirts with web comics on them. I know that sounds dumb, but seriously, I don't. Not the girl ones... the "babydoll raglan" or whatever they are. I want to.
7. I will have a Bed Time and I will ENFORCE IT even if I am bored and laying in bed doing nothing.

Favor with God

1. I will read scriptures everyday. Even if it's just, like, A scripture some days. Yeah.
2. I will pray every morning and night and meals... aloud if I am alone. I haven't prayed aloud alone in awhile. But Fresno was just talking about that, and saying how it was so much easier to not let your mind drift off that way, and he is way right. Actually, I have to admit, the boy is way too good for me.
3. I will take the sacrament more seriously.
4. I will actually try to do my visiting teaching... sometimes.
5. I will do my calling or get brave and talk to the Bishop about not having it. I will try to do it first, either way.
6. I will go to the Temple at least once a month
7. When BoyKid goes on his mission I will write him something spiritual at least once a month.

Favor with Man

1. I will get my house in order by establishing good habits with FlyLady. That way I can be happier and healthier and friends can come over more and party!
2. I will learn to kiss. ;O)
3. I will try harder to know and remember peoples' birthdays and at least text them happy birthday so even if I am broke they will know I am thinking of them.
4. I will get in contact with at least 5 friends from high school or college that are worth re-meeting.

Enough Resolving... Resoluting? Anyway, whatever it is, enough of it. I need to go to bed. You will see Hawai'ian Vacation pics and blogging soon! HOPEFULLY tomorrow!





Ah! You see? I feel vindicated now.

[I'm a] 2006 Tally Ho!

(X) stayed single for the whole year
(X) kissed someone new
() made-out in/on a car
() kissed in the snow
(X) celebrated Halloween
() kissed in the rain
(X) fell in love (debatable, but I think so)
(X) broke someone else's heart (HIGHLY debatable as he's a creepy stalker)
(X) had a stalker (see previous)
() mooned someone
() went over the minutes on your cell phone (Thank you, Cricket!)
(x)have a good relationship with someone
() suffered through teenage heartbreak
(X) someone questioned your sexual orientation (I have idiot aunts)
() came out of the closet
() gotten pregnant
() gotten someone else pregnant
() gotten married
() had a divorce
(X) dated someone you'll never forget
(X) done something you've regretted
() lost your true love
() lost faith in love
() kissed under mistletoe

WORK/SCHOOL
(X) got a promotion
(X) got a pay raise
(X) changed jobs
() waited until one day before to begin a project
(X) lost your job
(X) quit your job
() dated a co-worker
() dated your boss
() dated your boss' daughter/son
() got fired from your job
() took an honors/advanced class
() broke the dress code
() sent to the principles office for misbehavior
()got straight A's
(X) met one teacher you really like
(X) met one/a few teacher you really hated
() failed a class
(X)cut class
() kicked someone in the testes (I don't actually HAVE those, geniuses.)
(X) skipped school
() got into a fight with a classmate
(X) did something you were proud of
() discovered a new talent
()gave the teachers a reason to teach
(X) proved yourself an idiot (Time and Time Again<-----Ditto)
(X)embarrassed yourself in front of the class
() fell in love with a teacher
() intentionally tripped someone at school
() got lead in the school play
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget

OTHER
() painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
() ran a mile
(x) seen a live concert
() shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(X) posted a blog on MySpace
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
(X) double-dipped
() skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
(X) went camping
() threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
() laughed till you peed in your pants
(X) flirted shamelessly
() didn't wash your hands after using bathroom
() visited a foreign country
(X) broke in a line of waiting people (my family was "saving," though!)
(x) volunteered to help out others
() visited a new state (well, I visited aNOTHER state (but not a new one)
(X) told someone you were busy when you weren't
() partied to celebrate the new year
(XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX) cooked a disastrous meal
() driven the car drunk
(X) lost something important to you
() smoked a cigarette
() lied about how old you were
(X) got a gift you adore
() got on alcohol (on? like hooked on? stood on a bottle of? The existence of a preposition just amuses me.)
() got arrested
() prank called someone
() saw a college football game in person
(X)involved in a car accident
(X) wished you died

Oh 6 Oh 7 Akimbo

New Year's Eve day started bad, but still ended pretty good considering!

Fresno was supposed to be here.
He was supposed to go to church with me.
Then we were supposed to go to my friends' party.
And at 12 o'clock we were supposed to kiss... and I have never kissed anyone at New Year's before.

Instead, Fresno is stranded at his friends' in Reno (His best friends, J & Y) with the Flu!
I have been having a terrible headache day and didn't even make it to church myself, though I did watch the very good fireside that was on TV (and Little House on the Prairie... and THEY went to church... so that should count for something).
I stayed home and went to no parties at all.
And certainly did not get kissed.

However, just a few minutes before 2007 here in Utah, Fresno called me (and before he put himself into another good Theraflu coma) just to count down with me! Then we talked for a little over an hour (even though he sure sounded stuffed up and sick) and laughed and made things feel just a bunch better regardless of it all.

He can always make me laugh. We talk about the dumbest things. Hee hee hee! But the thing is, he is also just so... real... and honest. Like I can hardly believe he likes me... and then he says so and I have no choice but to believe him. It's just bizarre. I am still trying to understand it. But I do so like him... muchly. SIGH!

Anyway, I am sort of glad he stayed at J&Y's because he didn't really have work OFF besides the actual HOLIDAY and he was planning to drive all night and that made me awfully nervous. So maybe the flu kept him alive. I love that he wants to come see me and even that he gets so stubborn about doing so... but I worry about him putting his health or safety in danger for it. I just wish he'd fly or something... or that it was June.

Because he IS planning to move here in June.

Crazy.

What WILL 2007 bring?

Hopefully more health, a job, etc. But yeah. I should also do some resolutions. But as one of them is sure to be "GO TO BED EARLIER!!!" I will do that later. Good night... errr... MORNING... and Happy New Year and welcome to 2007.