this entry is short and depressing... JUST LIKE ME!*

I can relate.

I hate me.

I've been crying all day.



























*I am 5' 3"... that has nothing to do with being sad. Just putting it out there.

See Kipluck whine. Whine, Kip. Whine.

I'm watching Fun with Dick and Jane which is actually very funny! I am pleasantly surprised. Silly stuff. I needed some silliness today. It has been a hard day. My blood sugar's been out of wack ("Wiggedy Wack?" "No, just the regular kind."), I have been exhausted all day (until NOW when it would be beneficial, of course. SIGH.) , I almost fell asleep in the Language Lab. I have been hurting like crazy... but the pool helped some.

Water is goOoOOooOooOOoOod. But temporary. And I am hurting again. Plus feeling all girly... sad girly, not giggly girly. Not cool. The Timing is such that this coming Monday is the day I first "met" the Texan I really like/ed and unfortunately actually REMEMBER the date of which is pretty twisted.

Anyway grrr.

But yay for funny movies and no school tomorrow. Granted that means a lot more housework, job hunting, etc. to be done... but right now, well, I'll take that. Just don't make me sign stupid 11 digit numbers or do math in Sign in general! I HATE NUMBERS AND MATH! Even in ASL. Sigh.

But yeah, the movie was good. I love the kid talking with the Latino accent because the nanny/housekeeper is from Mexico. It just cracked me up! Now I should at least TRY to go to bed (though my gliders just want to PLAY. Little punks. I love them. But they are HYYYYYYPER!)... and probably straighten the room a little if that sadistic purple fairy gets her way. (Where are my shoes? Let me show you where I WANT to put them! (in all seriousness, I wouldn't even TRY if I didn't think this was seriously helpful. Yes, yes it is.)

Anyway, good night, people. I am so glad it's Friday. This has been a too long and simultaneously too short of a week.

I want some chocolate. Stupid blood sugar.

My turtle is getting so big. He sinks his basking dock. Need to figure out a way to fix that.

I should take my pills.

I should stop stalling and go to bed.

Hallelujah for Hydrocowhatever

I just realized something WONDERFUL!

For the first time in the past 19 hours... I DON'T HAVE A MIGRAINE! Today I have cold packed my neck, drank gallons of water, lay down in a dark room, downed Tylenol, Excedrin, and blood sugar meds... NOTHING. Finally Ta-Da! Loritab did the trick! Being a druggie works for me tonight (AT LAST!).

It's about dang time. I didn't even go to water aerobics. :O( BLEH. I wanted to. But I just felt so yucky sick I didn't do much of ANYTHING today (except try to be all FlyBaby and go through some papers and also do my homework. Meh. I am still not exactly excelling... but I am going to try my best. Pretty sure my hands are going to fall off from advanced Carpal Tunnel. My hands and arms are KILLING ME! They randomly cramp all day in class and after. Plus my stupid double-jointed fingers keep randomly LOCKING. Looks like I am going to need to get my HANDS in shape to do this major as well.

My legs are wincing at the idea of even walking around campus tomorrow... my body wishes it were cuter as it walks past all the dancers in the hall from the Language Arts building... and my my fingers are trying to rebel, too. Dumb fingers... don't they know I need them for this major? This career path? Anyway, I don't have a headache. So I am just going to be happy for right now (and pretend I DON'T have to wake up early and trudge to class half-asleep). Headache Free... and watching *M*A*S*H* for a bit longer before feeding the babies and turning in (or at least lay in bed awake, if the meds don't cut it. Insomnia sucks.).

I've been feeling kind of girly lately. When I sleep, rare though that is, I keep dreaming about boys and love. TexasBoy mostly, but Magical Trevor as well... and once... ummm... Lex Luther. It is rather pissing me off to be honest. When I really like a boy he either doesn't like me back, has more issues than I do, or, well, doesn't actually exist. Stupid boys.

And speaking of Men (bad transition, I know), randomly if you are looking for Lilo and Stitch pictures, you may find about 50% of them are a Drag Queen dude named Lilo. Go figure. Say goodnight, Gracie.

Stumbling Blocks ~ Stepping Stones

What if I Stumble - D.c. Talk

[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is christians who acknowledge jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?

Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

(chorus)
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt Im feeling

(repeat chorus)

What if I stumble?
Everyones got to crawl when you know that
Youre up against a wall, its about to fall
Everyones got to crawl when you know that (2x)

I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change]

(repeat chorus 2x)

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my god

Is this one for the people, is this one for the lord?

Today, the Anniversary of 9-11, was not as bad as I thought it would be. Flags were flown and Mom and I talked about Brady on the way to the pool. But other than that I kept busy, avoided the TV in case there were specials, and went shoe shopping (BLEH!).

So that was my day of general avoidance of the subject. It's not anti-patriotic, you understand. It is a matter of self preservation and not curling up and crying with no help from my Celexa. I am proud of our country. I love America. I love those who serve it, whether as soldiers or civilians like Brady. But I just can't handle that much thinking today. Thank goodness it's over. I am ready to get on with this week about now.

Well, except for the whole, you know, rest of the week. Hee hee! I am NOT so ready for my classes. They are not going well, nor is the job search and I am in a fair amount of Debt. But I really WANT to succeed. So I will keep attempting my homework without breaking down into tears, and may even need to hire a tutor.

Right now, work-wise, I am just trying to find something to DO... but I am trying to really find something, like the sign language I am studying, to BE, if that makes any sense. I need a purpose. I don't feel like I have anything right now.

So... at least tonight... "I wanna be an ASL Interpreter when I grow up!"

Yeah. Other than that, well, there is trying to get my life under control with better health, Prayer and faith, FlyLady organization goals, and... I should be going to bed now. Blasted Insomnia.

Grrr...

The Brady Bunch makes me CRY!

I am trying not to think too much. Tomorrow is, obviously, September 11th. Actually, no, I guess technically TODAY is the 11th. Anyway, yeah. Trying really hard not to think much to keep from crying about Brady. My cousin Brady was such an awesome guy. I miss him. Liz (his wife) is on an LDS mission now, she has such awesome strength! I admire her, look up to her, and think her mission letters are hilarious. But I can hardly imagine dealing with today for her. It is hard enough just being me... his cousin and friend. But to be Brady's sweetheart? I just... wow.

I remember when it happened, my parents were on a Cruise in Alaska and I was tending my little brother. I remember thinking, "oh my gosh, the Pentagon?!" and freaking out. Then I finally talked to my mom when they came into port on the phone and she said not to worry, that Brady was fine, only a very small part of the Pentagon had been hit. Then Megs called later. She said he was missing. Our cousin Brady WAS in that part of the Pentagon, very likely. That was the beginning of it all.

I remember when we were little. Megs and Rinny and T-La and me followed him around being annoying and singing "The Brady Bunch" at the top of our lungs. I remember when he won a Yoda standy thing.. he was SUCH a Star Wars Geek!!! I remember when he married Liz and the invite freaked me out because she looks SO much like Camille (his sister) and we teased him for it. I remember when he wouldn't come home from his mission in the Canary Islands even when his LUNG COLLAPSED. And how cool it was that he got to be "a spy" like he wanted to.

The thing is, I know the country is remembering 9-11 tomorrow. And I applaud that, I do. But right now remembering is making me feel sick.

I don't want to remember right now.

I want to sleep...

maybe all through tomorrow.

Goodnight. "Happy" Patriot Day, America.

I miss you, Brady.
Oh, but hey, get this... you're famous... Wikipedia! (not that that's important. Just thought you'd like it.) Also, you would be so proud of Liz because she is, like, the medical person of the mission even though she is a regular proselyting one too! But you know that. Still, I am thoroughly entertained at the idea of embarrassed little elders having to talk to a Sister about, like, "Twisted Testicle." HA! NICE. Anyway, I miss you. The whole family does.

It was my fault.

Today has been... trying. I was really sick. My turtle escaped (he's okay now). Our neighbor came over to tell us they have termites... on a shared wall.

And just a bit ago I got in a car accident.

Yeah, I was going to the store and was turning left. I had signaled. I had looked... but apparently looking and seeing are not the same thing. I didn't see her at all, the girl in the van. We both swerved... but I still hit her passenger-side door with what used to be my passenger-side headlight and is now more of a passenger-side gaping hole.

We are both okay. Both our cars are old. But now her door sticks, and I can't signal turning right. And it will be expensive. But it could have been so much worse.

I have finally stopped shaking and crying, though I am in no mood to get in my car again. I feel so sick thinking about it. But I will *have* to drive Tuesday to school. I want to throw up.

Trade in all that Ails ya!

Long day.

I am tired of feeling dead tired everyday. But I *didn't* sleep through my alarm this morning. That's good. That's progress!

School was interesting... and frustrating. Basically I have 2 choices.
1. Quit or "delay" going back to school even though I am afraid THIS is my time.
2. Hire a Tutor to somehow get me skilled enough to continue.

The problem is I don't really know what I want to do... or, more importantly, what I want to BE.

Tonight was my sister's big work party. A Luau at the gardens (I should put up pictures... I took a ton) at Thanksgiving Point. It is so pretty there. The funny thing is Rinny basically came to get us in, stayed for about 5 minuets before she had to go to rehersals for Superman. (She is in an old MUSICAL of Superman! How weird is that?!) But yeah, the problem is I started feeling REALLY sick while there and ended up making the family leave early. Probably partially blood sugar... but I think I have a stomach flu of something. I am going to bed early tonight, maybe I will sleep. Feeling pretty crappy.

But the Gardens are totally cool. I need to go back before they close for the season to see the whole thing. In the next couple of weeks they will be letting you tour the whole place on Segways. They had them there to try. My dad kept getting back in line. *rolls eyes* Dork. But it was funny.

I applied to 5 more or so stupid telemarketer-ish jobs today. I need money. I need to pay my bills that the parent's aren't covering and pay them back for the ones they are. I hate the way I feel, I want to be independant... and it just sort of combines with all the other crap and my brain can't seperate stuff and therefore I just cry.

A lot.

About everything.

In addition, I am going to a Psychologist again soon... who thinks I may have ADHD, too... which is probably true as they sort of already told me that when I was little, but we just sort of DEALT with it. (Well, and I had to go to the school shrink every Tuesday in elementary school) But yeah, it is a good thing... sort of. But I am feeling like I have a few too many Diagnosies in my life and would like to REMOVE a few before adding more, you know? Maybe trade in Diabetes? Yeah.