Saturday, March 8, 2008

I'm sorry, Celebrate the WHATS?!

SO, I am following in my little sister's footsteps. SIGH. No, it's a good thing, really.

I have decided since I actually LIKE my job and would like to do it for REAL (elsewhere... for more money and better benefits) someday I am going to start trying to get to sort of where SHE is... but without her degree from the Y (since, you know, they wouldn't take me anyway.) So I am going to do this by PRACTICAL learning. Basically being willing to get, like, every BSA certification we are offered, and dive into 4-H with Rinny. I am going to be doing a lot more Training-type stuff. Like going to a 3-day and night 4-H conference thing out in PRICE called a Leadermete. That's the day after my birthday, the 10th, 11th, and 12th. It could really suck... or be cool. We shall see. Some of the classes sound fun. Others sound, well, boring. But that's how inservice is, you know? And I need this stuff. I need DIRECTION in my career... I need ANYTHING in my career for it to BE a potential career instead of a year round summer job.

I am going crazy with boredom.

And yet...

some days I can barely manage to get out of bed. Not just Depression, either, even though OBVIOUSLY that's sure there. I mean actual physical pain. So it seems pretty stupid to be all "Ack! Must have real job!" since I can't even GO to it half the damn time. I know that. But I just feel so frustrated with myself. I hate feeling, for the lack of a better word, so DISABLED right now. I want to do MORE... my body wants to do LESS. I want to see less doctors and take less pills... I need to see more and take more to get me figured out before I can get more normalized. It's an ugly place to find myself in. I hate it. It feels hopeless and sad. Like being in a prison with a tiny window with good view. Pointless.

1 comment:

  1. Aside from Corinne, I've had two friends be involved with 4-H stuff and they both loved it. They even conned me into helping judge an art show down in Nephi. I think the direction is great and totally suited to you. I hope that things get sorted out so you can move in that direction and find the happiness you really deserve.

    Okay, so that sounded incredibly preachy but still...I believe it. I want you to be happy and know you can be. :)