Why I wear a children's seal necklace, Forgotten Carols, & puppy love: Perhaps my only post of 2013 PART 1

It's been a really long time since I have blogged. (Actually I think I wrote once this summer, but never
 published it. Maybe I will do that later.) Even though writing helps me cope, is truly a form of therapy, these past months (or maybe years) of my life have just been so difficult that it seemed too much to write.  Serious depression, to the point of being suicidal. I am going to skip most of that stuff, to be honest. It still hurts a lot, and I can't say I'm "out of the woods" as they say. But I have a lot of help from family, a few doctors,... and 4 legged family, too. And sometimes puppies *are* better than Prozac.

I had lost my little boy, my suggie Heber, the year before, when I brought home my little Tess LaRue, a baby pygmy hedgehog, and then a few months later, rescued another hedgie, a beautiful white older lady, Quillian Jackson Braun. It was only about a year after I got Tess that Quillian died, probably of old age, but I was sent spiraling. Especially since only months after, Tess was diagnosed with a very severe ocular tumor and the choice was made to pay all I could but give her up to the vet (my exotic pet teaches at the vet program I was in) with the permission to try a risky surgery as her only chance. So I said good bye, lost her... so she might have a chance at life, no matter how small.

[update: I completely assumed she had died mid-operation as was predicted. Assumed it, actually until THIS WEEK. This week I ran into one of the amazing vet techs at our exotics office (Riverwoods, fyi. I can't recommend them higher if you are in the Orem/Provo area and have difficult cases with exotic pets. NOT to be confused with Ribbonwood, who was my dog Cassie's back in the day, who I can not recommend LOWER. Very NICE man, but seriously one of the worst vets I have ever dealt with.) who also teaches vet tech at Broadview along with Dr. Dobson. We talked about my new furrbaby who was there with me (MATL), and then she told me that Tess LaRue had not only survived but was doing well, though blind, with another blind hedge as a buddy! She was very happy and they got along very well together and adapted very well to their limitations. It made me so grateful to hear! I mean, part of me also just MISSED her and wished she was doing well with ME... but whatever it takes to make her happy, I am glad I could do. I love that spikey little sweetheart!].

I was missing them very much and that hedgie-shaped hole in my heart, combined with the Heber-shaped one, well, I wasn't handling it well. Especially because my own life and health were getting a lot worse, too. My daily fibro pain is getting so severe and pills don't seem to do that much for me. And Gastroparesis for me means most days a meal is gluten-free rolls with either almond milk or coconut water (I like all 3, but it gets boring. Also, not awesome when it is that plus a LITERAL handful of pills to down each meal.).

Then, it was this summer and I started to have more trouble breathing. I'd been put on a CPAP machine to get air, but I needed to cue it a LOT more than I was. Like every night. And lay down and take "air naps" during the day. I hate it and it makes me feel like Bane. And then I found Nani, my beautiful special girl, Epiphany Jo, dead. Lilo was curled around her in the pouch and didn't want me to take her out. I absolutely lost it. I have been expecting to lose Nani in the next couple years, not because 9 is so old, but because she was not well, and hasn't been for some time. She had a stroke a few years ago, and after that she regularly had small seizures that left her blind and confused at times. She coped well, with the help of Heber when he was alive, especially, but Lilo as well. She was my first glider (though not my oldest, as Heber was a rescue and adopted as an adult). She was grumpy and moody, an unpredictable brat... but I loved her very very much. 9 years is a long time to have someone in your life and then to... not. But the absolutle worst part of it was Lilo. For Lilo to be alone, to see her in the sleeping pouch snuggled next to her Nani, not willing to leave her side... I could not handle it. My heart felt broken beyond repair. I thought my life was about as low as it could be, and I will be honest here. There were a few days I kept living only because I was worried Lilo wouldn't be taken care of right after I was gone.

And then, out of the blue, Lilo had a lump.

Review

Wow. Okay, so, since I last wrote here...

• I went to the Ostleparkwells (Megan and T-La's house (which includes Megan and her hubby and her retired racing greyhound, T-La and her hubby and her 3 hilarious little boys and her dog (Just one. RIP Sydney :( I will miss him.), and my Aunt and Uncle. They have a pretty full house... but a FUN one!)) for Thanksgiving!  My stomach is still an utter mess due to Gastroparesis and who knows what else so I hurt a ton even though I only ate, like, a roll and sweet potatoes. BUT it was still SO much fun to see those guys.  I love them so much!  Especially Megan who is the BEST bestfriend/cousin I could ask for.
• Saw a turkey pardoning. REPORTED on said turkey pardoning. 
• Mom and I got in a car wreck. Pretty serious.  Okay, not THAT serious. (We walked away with just bruises and such)  But not minor. (our car is bad off and the car that caused it is TOTALED and basically we were all really lucky.) A MEDIUM SERIOUSNESS CAR ACCIDENT.  We had just stopped at a light, but it was backed up pretty far.  The car full of teenagers behind us wasn't looking, they slammed into us.  It felt like a bomb going off. The force shoved us into the car in front of us. The car in front of us got a little scratched and dented. Our front bumper is basically hanging on by a thread (or magic). Our back bumper is miraculously better, because the car behind us looks like an accordion.
• Had a Critters 2 Go party. It was a good one.  But then...
• My frog died. No, I know what you are thinking, that I DID already write about that. THIS IS MY OTHER FROG, Mab.  So did my mantis, Johnny Cash.  Her days were numbered as it is winter and she would have died long ago were she out in the wild.  But I still miss her and I just really didn't want to be mourning these girls right now.  Even though both could have been old age. (Mab I have only had 3 years, but 5 years is a normal amount for Greens and I don't know how old she was when I bought her at that expo. I know she was an adult... I mean, she wasn't a TADPOLE... but I have no idea. I just... she was such a pretty little frog.  Her name fit her well, queen of the fairies. She will be missed.
• I discovered (and read several years of posts) Regretsy.  I have laughed SO much, but I can not in good concience RECOMMEND it to most. It is definitely PG-13 + fair.  The millions of F-words (not to mention more needle felted vaginas and polymer penises than you can shake an over-priced bedazzled stick at).  But up there with CakeWrecks, though CakeWrecks is MUCH more family friendly, even with it's occasional naughty cake.
• Went to the Provo "Lights On" Parade (which was a pretty pathetic affair involving a lot of golf carts) BECAUSE.... my little bro, BoyKid, the future Leslie Knope, was in it on his motorcycle as TRON!!! p.s. it was freezing cold, I don't know how he survived. Hee hee!
• Went to BYU's Divine Comedy. I love them. It wasn't their BEST, but the "AladdYn" part was hilarious. 

And the day after tomorrow, I get to swallow a camera. Things are not boring. *sigh*

Alone.

Really Scrubs? REALLY?

A guy is dying for the whole show and it ends with Death Cab's Follow You Into the Dark, which is one of the saddest songs in the world to me.


Why should a little Death Cab for Cutie and a Scrubs rerun make me cry?  Because I am just a little... emotional. Emotional and just plain sad.

At the beginning of the week, I came home from a bunch of tests at the hospital to find my little baby Pacman frog, Ms. dead. I cried for a few hours, but felt too crappy to mourn for long.

But the thing is, things got worse, on Tuesday, my uncle died.  Uncle Ken, one of my favorite uncles (I have quite a few. Both my parents are from large families.) has died of cancer. Ken, who is Brady's dad.  It feels so unfair, that they should lose Brady, and then lose Uncle Ken, too.  Of course, they are an incredibly awesome family, and they have a much better attitude than I do.  My cousin, Ryan, posted to Facebook that there must be an awesome reunion going on. He is right, I am sure.  But it is just another example of how great THEY are.

When Brady was killed in 9-11, I was bawling at the funeral.  Brady's wife and Aunt Kay, his mom, both comforted ME.  They earned that grief so much more than me... but they comforted me.  They are such a good example to me.  They do so many good things.

I am not at the funeral.  Mom, Padre, BoyKid, and Rinny are. They are in St. George for the funeral, but I can't do that long of a car ride right now. Still too sick.

So I am here at the house, mostly watching TV, taking care of my pets, and crying at Scrubs.  Also, hurting a lot and wishing the doctors could find me some answers.

I just... argh.

We will miss you Uncle Ken.

Phisherman.... I'm grading them now

So, I used to play with those who tried to toyed with me (see what I did there? Toy? Hee hee!) Now, apparently, as I am teaching more, I grade them.  As phisherman goes, this one ranks pretty high up there! So I thought I'd share!

Homeland Security
U.S. Department of Homeland Security
New York USA




Date: Nov. 9th 2011

Sir,


RE URGENT NOTICE

Records shows that you are among one of the individuals and organizations that are yet to have their consignments with the Hartsfield Jackson International airport Atlanta Georgia delivered. We noticed from our investigation that you have two metal trunk boxes to be delivered to you which you have abandoned for a long time due to your non compliance with the Airport authority directives thereby putting the delivery process on hold. Our further investigations revealed that some people took advantage of this to extort money from beneficiaries claiming to be the staffs of the airport due to the fact that they are aware of the existence of the boxes in the airport.


The Cyber Crime Division of the Home-land security gathered information from the Internet Crime Complaint Center (ICCC) formerly known as the Internet Fraud Complaint Center (IFCC) of how some people have lost outrageous sums of money to these imposters. As a result of this we hereby advise you to stop communication with any one not referred to you by us.

We have negotiated with the U.S Treasury department that your consignment delivery to your address from the Hartsfield Jackson international Airport will be handled by them since our investigations revealed that the content of the boxes are money totaling $16,500,000.00. (SIXTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) which has been tested and approved by the U.S. Treasury Department before they accepted the offer that it is not a counterfeit and that you are the rightful owner of the consignment.

We guarantee 100% delivery of your boxes, because we have perfected everything in regards to the release of your boxes to be 100% risk free and free from any hitches as it’s our duty to protect citizens of the United States of America. (This is as a result of the mandate from US Government to make sure all luggage’s belonging to citizens of America  are been cleared for the betterment of the current economic status of the nation and its citizens as he has always believed Our Time for Change has come because Change can happen.

In response to this letter we will advice you on whom to contact at the U.S Treasury department who will cross check with the airport authority to find out the exact amount due to your boxes to be paid to the airport authority which they are going to handle themselves to avoid any impostor who might claim what he is not, note that that you are not allowed to deal directly with the airport authority as all dealing must go through the U.S. Treasury Department to avoid any further delay and all interactions must be through email to help us checkmate all the discussions for record purposes.

Finally, you have to be aware that Homeland security and indeed the United States Government can not be held responsible for any further delay or loss of your boxes if you fail to comply with the directives of this office.



Mr. Frank Navarro.
Director of Operations,

What they did [remarkably] right:

•  Grammar! Spelling! AMAZING!  Apparently a home-grown scammer who passed their college English classes for a change. Impressive!
• Cryptic inspirational message for kicks and giggles with unnecessary capitalized word. "...he has always believed Our Time for Change has come because Change can happen."

What they did wrong:

• Told me right out they would be taking money from me. "check with the airport authority to find out the exact amount due to your boxes to be paid to the airport authority"
• Told me "Don't call the airport or anyone involved in this! Just email us... I mean them!" "you are not allowed to deal directly with the airport authority as all dealing must go through the U.S. Treasury Department to avoid any further delay and all interactions must be through email to help us checkmate all the discussions for record purposes."

HOW STUPID DO I LOOK?!

The dreaded tomorrow

For over a month, I have been having really bad stomach pain.  More than I ever have before with my Gastroparesis.  So began the last little while of test after test.

Blood tests

CT Scan

XRay

Fecal Tests (everything comes down to poo!)

Urinalysis

Gastric Emptying Study (eating radioactive scrambled eggs and watching them digest)

I've had a few results (Gastroparesis is a lot worse, my white blood count is up, and so is my sed rate.)  but I have also had a very harrowing ER visit, and am hurting worse than ever, which brings us to today. Today I am prepping for a short hospital stay and going under so they can do an endoscopy (a camera goes down my throat)  and a colonoscopy (a camera goes up my... well, you get the idea).  Have I mentioned anesthesia is pretty much my biggest fear? I HATE the idea of being out of control of my senses. Actually my BIGGEST fear, and I mean very biggest fear is that I will be PARTLY under, like under enough not to speak or move but not under enough not to feel and they will start procedure and I will be screaming inside... basically, that movie "Awake" that came out a few years ago? The trailers gave me panic attacks, no lie.

So, that probably won't happen. And if it did, this is a colonoscopy... not surgery. So it would be really uncomfortable, not, like, kill me.

RIGHT??? *sigh* I hate hospitals soooo much...

BoyKid and Mason sitting in a tree

I feel bad having not mentioned it, because it was a big milestone in my little bro's life, and was quite the talk of our family.  And now it's over?

BoyKid had a girlfriend. Let's call her Mason for reasons she will never know.  She was the first "official" post-mission girlfriend he has had, and in only the space of a week they went from finally having a DTR and saying yes, we are boyfriend and girlfriend to her saying she was "equally" interested in someone else and breaking up. Poor BoyKid.  Poor Mom.  She has been talking about how well Mason would fit into our family, how it will be to finally have a kid-in-law, etc.  And, I'll be honest, I am not sure Mason won't be back.

I think Mom may be thinking, correctly, that BoyKid is her best chance at [non-fuzzy] grandchildren.  Rinny and I are pretty dang relationshiptarded.  Rinny MAY even be more screwed up than me, but with my health as it is, it's not like I am exactly dating.

A List

1. a) talk cute to my animals, even the not-so-cute ones.  If you have nice things to say about my Giant African Train Millipede, Millie the Thoroughly Modern Millipede you are pretty golden. b) be good with kids. Especially be down with adoption. c) do interesting things. Things like model rockets, dinosaurs, ice blocking, etc. d) not be afraid to get dirty.  I do not like wussy boys who are too worried about their nice clothes to lift wood for a fire or check an engine or plant a garden. e) use passably correct grammar and spelling.  You don't have to be an English major, but be well read and don't say "liberry" or "suposably" or "fustrated."
2. People should be able to keep animals that they can safely and responsibly care for!  Should everyone have sugar gliders? Or tigers? NO.  But not everyone should be allowed to have DOGS either.  People that know what they are doing, and can care for an animal CORRECTLY, should have the right to do so.  I can provide correctly for my gliders. So I can own them. I could not care for a tiger (few, outside of Zuzuna, could) so I shouldn't be able to.  Z wrote a good opinion piece on it, here.  This Ohio thing has been a TRAGEDY.  I just wish it didn't cause even more hurt by prompting bans. :( BOO.
3. Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns My mom loved this book and I kept meaning to read it. I finally did and apparently it's hereditary. I LOVED this book. I loved how the characters were complex... nobody was all good or all bad, they were very real. And I could see various points of view. I loved the rich descriptions, the culture, so different from my own, the history. THIS is a good book.
4. This one is going to be embarrassing. *SIGH* 

• Woke up, very tired
• dressed Halloweeny
• took pills, drank breakfast
• went to work. Read Dinosaurs' Halloween, passed out dinosaur masks and helped children make dinosaur Trick-or-Treat sacks
• Came home
• watched Grudge 2 (LAME.)
• Spent way too much time on Facebook and Pinterest
• ate a cardboard pizza, regretted it immediately after.
• watched Gremlins (still love it)
• fed the lizards, frogs and turtles
• watched the Office
• Blogged
• Fed the fuzzies
• Going to bed with a book now... I will finish this list later!

5. Fresno - I never pretended to be someone I wasn't. EVER.  Anything you expected of me that I wasn't was made up in your own mind, and that's not my fault. I am me. I need to find someone who likes THAT.
TexasBoy - You ended things like an immature baby. That was a really jerky thing to do. Poetry Boy - I ended things like an immature baby. That was a really jerky thing to do. I am sorry. Not sorry like we should be together, but sorry I didn't end it like an adult instead of moving away and not giving a forwarding address. Ola - I still love you, but I also truly believe you are meant for bigger things. I believe you will do GREAT things for your people. I am so proud to have known you. Please find happiness. You are my hero.

6. Most of it sucks. There is too much sex, too little poetry.
7. a) People who can't be bothered to spell check things they post online. When you are online, often all you KNOW of someone is what they write... can't you at least be bothered to spell check it?! b) People who irresponsibly let their pets breed for whatever stupid reason. Are you a breeder with a registered dog with necessary health and genetic tests for both animals and you are prepared to find excellent homes for their offspring? No?  You just want fluffy to have cute witto baby wabies? DON'T BREED!!! c) How feeder crickets die before I can feed them to my frogs. d) How my padre watches his news shows SO LOUD in the room next to my bedroom early in the morning.  We have 3 TVs. Couldn't he blast it on one of the other 2? e) People who think of pets as disposable. I don't care if it's a fish or a dog, pets are not disposable.
8. So far? A Slimfast, a sugar cookie, and a Vanilla Coke Zero.

9. Education is one of the most important things in the world.  But not all of it is formal education.  I believe your education in this life is one of the ONLY things you can take with you into the next life after you die. It is eternal. So learning should be eternal.  But a lot I have learned has never resulted in a degree. MOST, actually. But it has made me who I am.  I recently started back at school though, to further my education on the degree side. At first it was Vet Tech, now it is ASL and Deaf Studies.  But I feel, wether I am in college or not, I should ALWAYS be learning.

[It is now a few days later. So pardon the weirdness.]

10. Shuffled Playlist:

1. Kiss Me Through the Phone by Soulja Boy 
2. The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel 
3. White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane 
4. Your Love is My Drug by Ke$ha
5. Need You Now by Lady Antebellum 
6. Honest Face by Liam Finn and Eliza Jane
7. Muita Bobeira by Souza
8. Symphony No. 3 in E Flat major, Op. 55, "Eroica" by  Nicolaus Esterhazy Sinfonia
9. Question by Old 97's

11. For the purposes of time and space, I am going to leave out furrbabies and other pets and extended family (like my cousin/BFF, Megan) even though they sometimes even out rank my direct fam. But yeah.  Padre.  Professionally, he is a property manager. However, he spends more time golfing.  He is also the Ward Clerk and loves being "in" on all the ward stuff. He loves church business more than anyone should. Mom. She teaches the 6 year olds at church.  She had a stroke a couple years ago and still has memory problems, balance problems, and sees double, but works very hard to overcome it.  She is one of my best friends. We do water aerobics together. Rinny. My younger sister and boss at Thanksgiving Point.  She is the Education Director there.  She is pretty much as bad at dating as I am which is why she even though she is super cute, dances, and cooks like a pro she is over 30 and single. Boy Kid. My baby bro.  Goes to BYU, majoring in the business side of Recreation Management. (Like trade fairs and event planning).  Awesome on the guitar.  Incredibly funny and GOOD. So good... one of the most righteous people I know. SUCH an example to me.  Usually found riding his motorcycle or his longboard!

12.

Heath Ledger </3 *sigh* :(















Olakunlemi. Real. Real wonderful and real cute, too.



















A two-fer! Ewan McGregor and Josh Hartnett. Mmmmm....

Seth Green. So nerdy. So darling.

13.Ugh. My body? My BIGGEST complaint is that is keeps malfunctioning on me. Gastroparesis, bad liver, migraines.  But also I really am unhappy about my weight. Some people might read this and think, okay, then change it!  Well, here is the problem I AM. I am working with my doctor on it, actually.  I take pills, but I take pills that make you GAIN weight. I do water aerobics, but I can't do other exercise because I will get hurt.  And I eat a very strict diet for the most part (esp. with my worsening Gastro).  But I am still a big girl and probably always will be.  My doctors and I ARE discussing more drastic actions further down the road, but those scare the h**l out of me.  There ARE things I like about my body though.  I have killer calves.  My lips are pretty awesome, as are my eyes. So I am not a complete waste.
14. It was church, so I wore sort of a crinkly black and grey flower peasant skirt, a denim skirt, and a hematite necklace.  I will tell you a secret, I was secretly longing to top the outfit off with my pair of black cat ears. Because it is the day before Halloween. But I resisted. :P

15. I am an Aries. According to the all-wise internet, that means I am...
Adventurous and energetic
Pioneering and courageous
Enthusiastic and confident
Dynamic and quick-witted
On the dark side...

Selfish and quick-tempered
Impulsive and impatient
Foolhardy and daredevil   .

That doesn't really sound like me at all. (Okay, maybe I am "quick witted")  Since I don't really place any stock in horoscopes that doesn't surprise me.  THOUGH that same site also said THIS:

"Aries governs the head and brain, and Arians are said to be prone to headaches, particularly migraines, sunstroke, neuralgia and depression. Indigestion and nervous disorders are also threats to you, and your rashness, impetuosity and wholesale physical commitment make you liable to accidents and physical injuries."

Spooky!
On the other hand, while I still don't BELIEVE it, in the Chinese Zodiac I am a sheep (interestingly, Aries is a goat) and I fit THAT description pretty well!
16. I always wonder what if I hadn't lost touch with my best friend, Jonathan from 1st grade. He moved to Idaho and I was so sad. Would we still be friends? Would we have dated?
17. I am super proud of my animals.  I enjoy showing them off to people.
18. My problem right now is that this is an EXTREMELY long survey and I have a short attention span!!!
19. a) a yard big enough for a turtle pond and tortoise garden b) an indoor swing c) an indoor slide that runs along the stairs d) a pet capybara (like Caplin and Galibaldi) e) a Paper Airplane kite!


20. It's Halloween and we all have things we are afraid of. What are MY phobias? http://phobialist.com/ 


Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched (this is just more a REACTION than a true phobia, as phobias are IRRATIONAL fears. I avoid being touched as I have severe Fibromyalgia and hurts to be touched. So I try never to be bumped) 


Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces. 


Dentophobia- Fear of dentists. (so so much!) 


Equinophobia- Fear of horses. (a very LITTLE bit. ANd I am working hard to get over it as I work with horses and like them, they just scare me for no reason!) 


Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals. 


Trypanophobia- Fear of injections. (serious one) 


Though my biggest fear is not on that list. Fear of Anesthesia. I hate hate hate going under for surgeries. I am scared I will not wake up. But even more than that I am afraid I will go under just enough that I can not communicate but not enough that I can not feel and that they will operate ANYWAY. That I will feel the surgery but will be unable to scream. It started as a child. When I got my tonsils out, as I was going under I yelled "I'm still awake!" every 5 seconds (more and more garbled and slurred) until I was totally out so they didn't start too early. The surgeons thought to was HILARIOUS and kept laughing at me instead of consoling me at all. Jerks. I still feel that same feel and as I have many medical issues, I have to go under pretty often. I HATE it. 


I have so many mental and emotional issues, making a list like this probably SHOULD make me feel even crazier than I am! But instead, seeing ALL those crazy things people CAN be afraid of, it makes me feel pretty NORMAL! Plus a little brave. After all, I am NOT afraid in the least of spiders, bugs, snakes, blood (just the injection used to TAKE said blood!), germs or dogs! 


P.S. And for the record, can I just say... Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words. That one's just CRUEL! 


21. Less painful. And lonely.
22. Going back to school soon. I can register tonight at midnight, but I don't know if I will. I really need to have a placement interview first.
23. I miss gambling with Trick-or-Treat candy with my sister after Halloween. GOOD TIMES!
24.

 "Bewbs""Audacity""The Fringe will Rear Again""Guy on a Buffalooooooo!""I have one minute weft in my bwain! Ime is wunning out! GUESS!"

25. My stomach. I am getting tests run right now.
26. I like that I am smart. I like my legs and lips (see question 13, just the end). I like my artistic sense. I like that I do not give up easily. I like that I have respect for living things.  I do not like my health, nor most of my looks (see 13 again). I do not like that I hurt. I do not like how scared I am in social situations.  I do not like how easy it is to compare myself to others.
27. "If you don't laugh you cry." I don't know who said it, but I live by it. OH! But I heard a related one, by a very admirable lady!

“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.” ― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

28. Australia. Just to visit. Mostly just to see the animals, especially gliders in the wild.
29. a) Baby Brussels Sprouts. YUM. b) the play, Urinetown c) Perry Mason d) My millipede, Millie, the Thoroughly Modern Millipede e) never wearing make up besides Halloween
30. One of the story times at work is the story of the Christmas Spider. It is a cute story, a cute craft, and I think it is hilarious to relate spiders to Christmas.  I am so psyched to tell that story!