Pain.

Pain in the arm, 
pain in the back,
pain in the head,
pain in the <3, 
pain in the a***! 

All of the above.

It started with my head.  I have been having such a horrible time with my migraines.  I was going to class with sunglasses on, taking many meds, and just hurting so bad.  So I went to my physical therapist, who IS really good. He is!  He really helps and I would DEFINITELY recommend him.  However, I think he may have inadvertently pulled a muscle REALLY bad in my upper arm and back.  It hurt when he was working on me (but it often does) but then the next day, Friday I couldn't even move my arm it hurt so bad. And it's just gotten worse. 

It hurts really bad in my tricep, and into my boob, and the outside of my scapula.  I can do nothing with it and breathing in deeper than a tiny bit of air makes me cry.  I went to the doctor, the only one open on a Saturday, and they gave me pain pills and told me to rest it a few days and get it checked out if it doesn't start to feel better.  Well, it's feeling WORSE.  But Monday is a holiday, so I will have to wait till Tuesday to see anyone.  But at that time I think I am going to get an MRI done because it doesn't feel like a strain or anything... maybe a pinched nerve.  Whatever it is, it hurts like HELL. Pardon my French.

And then there is my heart.

No, it doesn't hurt physically, but Ola, my sweet Ola... it just looks like he needs to go back to Africa.  There are huge things happening in his country right now, and he is a leader, a pioneer for the Church and representative of the downcast.  I know it sounds bizarre but truly, he has much more important things in store for him than he would with me. His people need him even more than I do.  That's what you get for falling for an amazing revolutionary. But it hurts, and I don't know that I will get to Spain before he leaves.  Our finances don't look like it.  But I think I will always love him.

"It even tasted pink! It's like drinking a My Little Pony!"

My dad's side family reunion camping trip starts today. *I* am not there. 
I am sitting in my parent's empty house watching Gilmore Girls and counting the minutes till I take my next pain pill.  My head hurts so much.  Wednesday it is back to Dr. YeahBaby to get the scary spinal nerve block again.  I know it is kind of risky, but the 4 day long intense headache is crazy.  I can't work. I can't drive.

Actually, only Rinny and Padre are at the reunion.  BoyKid has school.  I am dealing with all this.  And Mom doesn't want to camp anyway, but doesn't want me to be home by myself while I am having these headaches.

I am so tired of this.

So, I started another new blog.  Not a new all-about-my-crazy-life blog, a new blog "project."  I love holidays, especially silly ones.  So I am blogging something to do for every holiday.  Calling it "Remaining Celebrate." Hee hee. Sorry, I'm a nerd.  Check it out? (I am still getting caught up for this month, which is where I am starting.)  :)

MY HOLIDAY REVIEW: Lions and Tigers and Frogs OH MY! PART 1

Yes, I am finally going to write (or at least post pictures) of my holidays. Part of the reason I haven't is because there is just a lot and I have been busy. Part of the reason is I haven't been so good and I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone, even my blog. Yeah. Having a bit of an "episode" you might say. Which is really hard to say because I really want to go home and I can't right now until I am doing better.

ANYWAY, I am going to attempt to ignore that and tell you about Vegas! Wild Animals! Spiritual Stuff! Irish Neighbors! And Helicopters! And other things that deserve exclamation points!!!!

First of all, about a week or so before Christmas we went to Vegas to visit my Uncle and Aunt J... dad's FAVORITE big brother. Padre is, like, OBSESSED with anything J does. It's like "Oh, you are into model trains now? OH, so am I!" Like he is 4. ANYWAY, so apparently there was some model train/plane/etc. thing that he wanted to go with John to and so we were all going under the Guise of Christmas, PLUS, of course Rinny and Dad wanted to see BYU play in the Vegas Bowl again like last year.

Only THIS time they decided the trip basically would BE the gifts... we were going to do a couple BIG SPLURGEY shows (we just didn't actually KNOW this, it was a surprise)... plus Rinny got the Vegas Bowl... so *I* could go back to the Secret Garden to see the tigers and dolphins and such (alone since nobody else much cared enough to make tickets worth it, but dang, I would LIVE there if I could!).

So, first we had to drive there. Listening to Talk Radio... and listening to my dad talk BACK to the talk radio... makes for a VERY VERY long trip. And for some reason, we didn't actually remember to BRING things to do. Or walkmans. But we had cameras. So, literally, we took pictures of ourselves the whole way.

SEE SLIDE-SHOW-O-RAMA!!! (you really should)

The scary thing is... WE DELETED THE MAJORITY of them. That's right. THESE are the GOOD ones.

Also, the trip was made much longer by the fact that 1. we were caught in a full-on white out blizzard in some mountain pass. 2. It was the worst (first?) snow storm in like 20 years in St. George (we actually stopped there for a bit to rest at the condo because the cars going off the road and we wanted to go to the temple in the morning!) and apparently in 30 years in Vegas. The snow in down south in St. George and Vegas was certainly not, like OUR bad weather, but for people not used to it... YEAH it was pretty big! And the flakes WERE enormous. Not flakes... like snow CLUMPS. It was hilarious.

When we finally got to The Orleans, we brought our picture frenzy into the gift shop...

and then the arcade, where I found this horrible and yet very fun game called Flamin Finger. It's awful! We just KEPT PLAYING! At least it gave us pretty good tickets.

We with our tickets bought some fuzzy dice to hang on our tree (hee hee!) and a yo-yo with Pacman on it. Then we split up. Nobody else wanted to spend the money to see the Secret Garden but as Dad was taking Rinny to the Las Vegas Bowl, *I* could go alone. They... actually, I am not sure what they did. I think my mom and went to the room with Rinny who took a nap and Dad gambled or went golfing. I could care less. I went to the Mirage. I took a few pics in front of the Beatles Lounge and then spent hours with dolphins, tigers, and lions.




Only problem? MY CAMERA DIED. Yeah, and it is one of those you charge in a charger, not the kind you can buy and replace batteries at the gift shop. I DID buy 2 highly-over-priced disposable cameras for more pics of the cubs, but you don't get to see those (yet.) So everything after that had to wait till I could borrow Rinny's camera. SIGH.

The secret garden was awesome (however, the info I gave about the litter of cubs isn't right. The Golden might be in Florida now, but there is only one golden and he IS male and his name is Svenghali and the other female was white with stripes. But they aren't with the mama. Anyway, I got it mixed up. But they are beautiful. As were the dolphin babies. SIGH! I could just LIVE there.

After a few hours there we went to dinner and because it was part of the super good deal with the hotel (that *I* found us online, thank you very much go me.) we got drinks. In our family it is always "just waters, thanks." but these were actual DRINK drinks. Like I ordered a REEEEALLY good Virgin Pina Colada. SO YUMMY. And Rinny had her VERY FIRST EVER MOCKTAIL! No, really. FIRST EVER. She is pretty firm on that "avoiding the appearance of evil" thing and she wasn't going to order one! She said they all sounded "yucky." I told her to go with a virgin Strawberry Daiquiri and that it was "basically a Zuka juice." She took a lot of coercing, but finally drank some. She didn't like it (and honestly, it wasn't the best mocktail ever... my Pina Colada was heaven but Rinn hates coconut!)

After dinner we saw Rinny's Dancing Waters some more (well, I had a migraine, so I actually just sat in the building being sick while Rinn did that) and we got ready for the night's big Splurge! Actually, I went back to the hotel and went into a little migraine coma until they woke me up and said "we are going now." Because I felt so super sick. Which was NOT awesome. But the SHOW was. TO BE CONTINUED.... AFTER you SEE all you can of what I just said! HA!

Which pretty much is all the explanation of AAAAAAAALL of these:

ENJOY! (and you can turn the music off up top of the little screen.)

Spoiler-Free Zone, Madam.

Today was... long. Work was more than a little arduous and I am feeling it. However, Josie is doing better and healing well. She seriously is so funny. But weaning is hard. She cries and cries and it is hard not to give her a bottle. She gets so frustrated. So do I. She is going to have to SLEEP at the farm soon... Like, as in, next week. That is the cut off. I am going to bawl. She is so spoiled... she is going to have a hard time adjusting to sleeping outside with no bed or even a rug (I took away her fluffy bed last week to get her used to it. She suffered.) and mostly, without Mama 15 feet away in my room. But I know it is harder on me. I hate hearing her SCREAM like that... like I am starving her. <:O( Poor baby.

Oh! Today I had her out at the pen to see people and this SUPER cute family were asking about her. I think they were from India and they had the most BEAUTIFUL British accents and SO proper. The little boy kept asking me things like, "May I pet her head, Madam?" MADAM? I mean, Ma'am, sure... but Madam? hee hee hee! They were awesome.

Today I had to leave part way during work because I had an appointment with my neurologist, Dr. FTW. She wanted to follow up on my headaches (better... well, less frequent anyway) which was fitting considering when I LEFT the office I happened to be working alone with all the lights off trying to stave off a bad one. Nothing much new. I am still weird. I still hurt. I'm still something like a walking pharmacy. I am still depressed (OH. BUT something HAS changed with that. I forgot.).

Because I finally got some Medicare I can pay for myself going to a Psych IF I go to an approved one (Wasatch Mental Health)... but not if I still see Dr. Apparently. So last time I told him that I MAY come back but that I was going to try to go there. I am nervous about that, big time.

Other than that I am engrossed in the book.

Yes. I am one of those. But I pre-ordered and they only just delivered it so unlike all the others I have not finished... so in order to not see spoilers I am avoiding all blogs about the Twilight series. AND as I said, I have been crazy busy at work. So I have not been able to read as much as I want.

I am in the middle and so far like it, but am scared to death because I have heard this from so many people about hating it. I don't WANT to hate it... does the hating it happen right away? If I am in the middle, still in love, am I safe from hating it? Or will I suddenly hate it after 2/3? Just THAT little hint would help me brace myself, you might say.

Depression: You DON'T leave home without it!

So, I am getting ready for church and borrow some "alergin reducing" shampoo, which I hastily interpret to be, like, super hypoallergenic non-scented stuff because the Aunt Idaho J is basically like me in that department. I washed my hair and then re-read the bottle thinking "wait, what?" Yeah. DOG SHAMPOO. So now people will not be allergic to my head so much. And it protects against matts and burrs... oh good. HA HA! I was worried about that. HEE HEE HEE!

Church was... frustrating. Sacrament meeting was VERY pretty singing, especially one song that really just made me think about Mary's role as a real MOTHER. But my side pain and headache were both bad, and Padre insisted we go to Sunday school too. So we are sitting there, and suddenly Mom looks over and is like, No, [Kipluck] is going home and drags me out. I told her I COULD stay, but I WAS hurting really bad. So we went home. I took pills, a nap, then had a little bawl session about church, myself, and why can't be better - your basic Depression break down. That was like an hour or two and ended with me locking myself in a room and crying awhile, while wishing I was home and not here.

I really wish I could leave stuff like THAT at HOME.

my topical guide is hurting?

all during the night I kept thinking( since my stomach was making me CRY) "where IS the appendix anyway?" And all I could think was "usually the back of the book."

Seriously, I don't THINK it's appendicitis, it's just one of the few things I've got LEFT that HASN'T been taken out of medicated. I am so tired of this. I am tired of hurting all the time. The head all the time is one thing... but I can't have my stomach eating me alive too, or else I can't take anything that HELPS the head.

2 funny random things happened this week. One was I saw a lady try to walk through a NON-automatic door as if it WERE automatic. And run RIGHT into it. It was SO hard not to laugh right out loud.

The other is I found a poodle in my yard yesterday. I hoped it's owner would come claim it, so I left it out there till today when it started to get rainy and cold. So I put up a sign at the mailboxes. Here it is:


That last part is because we have weirdos in our neighborhood and I don't want to encourage kids to go to strange houses with out telling parents. I know, this should make it clear *I* am a weirdo and live in the neighborhood but I mean CREEPY Weirdos. I am a NICE Weirdo.

"What blonde in the kitchen?" "Wouldn't you like to know! Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe!"

Hee hee hee! The Seven Year Itch is pretty hilarious. I always thought I had seen it before, but apparently I was wrong and now I HAVE and it is FUNNY!

Last night I dreamed The Roomie was really mad at me because the house was so chaotic. (And she wouldn't let my home teachers come and yelled at them. I had to ride a giant bike, like 20 feet tall... to go tell them so.) And when I woke up I found out it wasn't SO far off. I mean, it WAS... no bikes, or getting MAD, but she had written me (because we don't do confrontation face-to-face very well) about how things were out of control. I knew that and so it made me feel even EXTRA crappy and depressed, but I was still glad she wrote, you know?

Like I told her, I have always had a problem with STUFF and being organized... and I know it's gotten worse and worse. It's a self defeating behavior... Getting "bargains" makes me feel happy, but having clutter (and worse, making HER and others feel bad!) makes me feel crappy... It is stupid because I can SEE myself cycling, but I still do it. I know it's one of my "behaviors" with my OCD and Depression, but it is one I REALLY need to work on because it most affects other people. I would feel awful if my stuff chased her out of the house!!!

So why do I KNOW this, and still want to cry when I think about getting rid of things? And worse, why still freaking SHOP?!

But, I did to some real, FlyLady-style organizing today. Not a LOT of it... but I made, as my mom calls it "a dent" in the family room and re-vowed to have an empty sink always. And I mean it.

I even got a Storage Unit. It may not be a very smart thing to do, economically... I need to get RID of stuff, not make room for it, but I thought, maybe if I have somewhere empty to take it... sort it... store SOME of it. My little garage away from home. So I did it. It is sort of a secret though.

And my stomach hurts so bad tonight I am afraid that ulcer is going to eat right through the lining and skin and pour out my shirt. And my head isn't much better than that. Urrgh. Doctors. Shots. Bruises left by every injection (how do I not get those?) Pills. PAIN. I hate my body. I hate it as much as it seems to hate ME.

28 going on 89

And it JUST. GETS. WORSE.

First of all, I was confused. Today was NOT the appointment with my Neurologist who prescribed my the meds to help with my head that ended up giving me a bleeding ulcer that put me in the ER that Jack built...

I have way too many doctors to keep things straight.

Dr. NYB is my Endocrinologist who only wanted to talk about my diabetes when I came to her about other stuff, but whatever. I am now officially insulin dependent. I have my stupid needle and I was bawling when I left. Then I got more blood tests (didn't help the crying situation).

Then I came home to find this email:

We are sorry to announce that the Work When You Want program will no longer be available beginning Monday, November 5th. Unfortunately, the program has not lived up to the original expectations. We will continue to accept work requests for the week of October 29th, but it will be the last week of the program.

Figures as much. Your basic "too good to last" thing.

Also, trying to schedule all my scary procedures... my insurance has decided that even though my stomach is hurting this bad, and I almost certainly have an ulcer, I won't even be having my appointment with the gastroenterologist (and yes I SO had to look up how to spell that) till November 6th and THEY set up my endoscopy.

I know I used to write at least VAGUELY entertaining blogs. Now they are all about my medical issues. I feel like one of those 89 year old ladies who sits around and complains about her "sugars and 'arth'itis"... of which I have BOTH. Bullocks.

Workin' It...

I LOVE my job. I hate my health. I am not such a great fan of how much I get paid, either. But I love the job itself. Especially the Harry Potter themed classes because around Halloween it is just EXTRA fun! WE GOT TO LET THE STUDENTS MEET REAL OWLS! I admit I was 10 times as hyper about that as the kiddlets, but HELLO! OWLS!

But as much as I love my job, I am just not getting the hours... and therefore the money for things like a much needed basking lamp for the new tortoise. Also, you know, Groceries... meds... etc. but at least those my family will help with. But their parental devotion only extends to, you know... HUMANS. My TGP wages barely pay my bills, but they do. But for the things that matter to me; my BABIES, I really need more income.

So, I am job hunting. However, the fact that right now I have doctor's appointments a couple times a week makes getting a new job near impossible. "Hi, I will never be at work... can you hire me?"

Sleepy Sabbath and a Nice Day for a [Red?] Wedding

Today was icky. Yesterday was good.

I woke up feeling bad. Hurting. EVERYWHERE, but my foot was screaming (walked a lot yesterday... under a bunch of medication.) and my head was, too. I kept debating whether to go to church, but decided I need to at least TRY. I want to be worthy of the blessings I so desperately need. So I got ready and went. I made it through about 45 minutes before I had to go home and lay down.

I went home and thought I would take an hour nap and then eat something and take meds. This was at about 2. I woke up at 10:30. GREAT.

8 and a half hour nap. I am sure I will sleep SO well tonight.

BUT YESTERDAY was fun. It was Prism's wedding! She and Sluggo got married in the Salt Lake temple and it was GREAT and very THEM! I loved that.

CC met me at the Trax by Meg's house because she is AWESOME and saved me from driving the whole way on meds. There was a wedding breakfast at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. We got there early so we went to the top and looked at the temple from the window. I still hate those elevators, though.But anyway, the breakfast was pretty fun even though I was hurting.

Yay for times with the girls!


The ceremony itself was, of course, beautiful. (It was in the Temple after all) But I LOVED how Prism and Sluggo seriously did NOT stop holding hands for even a SECOND the whole ceremony. VERY cute.
How cute are they?

MaGurls!


Congratulations to Prism, our Defective Knuck!

He moved his arms and legs and I was Braver

This keeps making me giggle.

(a little background, in case you didn't know Kevin Everett is a football player who was temporarily paralyzed after a violent collision during a game a few weeks ago. This piece was about how he is slowly recovering.)

Awesome.

Anyway, at present I am trying to type with only my right hand because McKenzie is INSISTING I use the left to scratch her head. Technically, I am taking my hands safety into my, umm, hands, because you should really not HALF pay attention to an animal who can bite through a finger bone if she got jealous of the typing hand. But we... USUALLY... have a pretty good relationship. Buddy is the one who gave me the scar I have on my thumb. McKenzie is a pretty good girl. Now she is almost falling asleep on my knee. Awww. Okay, I am not a BIRD person, still... but that's pretty darn cute.

What a sweet little girl. She may not be a sugar glider... after all... I still don't TRUST a bird like I trust my babies. They might just turn on you. Granted, suggies might too... but not like birds. But for birds, McKenzie is definitely one of my favorites. And she looks deceivingly angelic right now. I should give her a treat. hee hee!

In case you couldn't guess, I am birdie-sitting. The Roomie left for the weekend. She actually TOOK our newest feather baby with her, the baby parakeet, Critter! He is a cutie, but tiny. I have been calling him a PARA-GLIDER... because we got this idea and have been carrying the little thing around in a sugar glider pouch! HA! And of course, she took the girls. (That's Trinket and Shasta)

So, as usually, I am tending the green things and the birds (minus Critter).

ANYWAY, today I feel a little brave.

This may seem silly but I am NOT good with authority figures. It doesn't really matter if they are nice or not. I do not, voluntarily, talk with doctors, policemen, OR Bishops. It is really hard for me. I get so sick of all these stupid doctors. Anyway, today I went to my Bishop of my new ward with out being asked to. I walked into his office and almost immediately started to bawl. I cried and told him how frustrated I was that I got this shot for my head, but then got the thing with my foot. How it seemed the harder I was trying to do what was right, the harder it was to actually DO so, physically. I told him how few Sundays I could make all 3 meetings. How today I had almost done it... 2 and a half. And how I wanted to be happy about that 2 1/2 but that I had had my procedure this week and just wanted to feel NORMAL now.

I told him that in this ward, where, really, we had a very large number of "special" members with various challenges I also didn't really feel I had any RIGHT to complain. There are people struggling much more than me with major disabilities and yet there THEY are, at church all the time. I KNOW the things he said, about just doing my best and the Lord understanding, I know them but feeling them are different. I did feel better after talking to him (partially just because I let him KNOW I wasn't just skipping church for fun, though I think he knew anyway).

And THAT, people, is progress. I talked to my Bishop without being asked to first. And he made me feel a little better. Yay!

I still feel lost. And damaged. But it's a START.


.

Pain and Doctors from Head to Toe... Literally

Doctors yesterday.
Doctors today.

SIGH. Seriously, can I just trade in my body for a newer model? Because this one SUCKS!

Yesterday was the Head thing.
I got through it and I am glad I did. It was the right thing. But I am glad my dad came over before the procedure and gave me a father's blessing with the priesthood. And I am glad I trust Dr. YeahBaby's SKILL. Because his bedside... a LIIIIITTLE scary. Like when I was laying on the table, face down, covered in sheets and iodine and unable to be under sedation. And they are threading an epidural tube through my neck up under my skull, and hit a nerve. And so what does Dr. YeahBaby say to his (rather annoying)PA/nurse man IN FRONT (or, you know, BACK) of me?

"Do you know why we don't do this procedure very often? Because people DIE. Do this wrong and she could die."

I am laying there thinking "Um, hey people, remember how I am NOT sedated because I can't be for this?! And I can hear you? And I am scared so bad I might pee my pants if I weren't dehydrated? SO MAYBE YOU COULD NOT KEEP MENTIONING HOW I COULD DIE FROM THIS?!"

I mean, yes, I know I COULD. We have discussed it many times. But it was one of those things where the benefits outweigh the risks. I signed a lot of papers to say so.

But I'd rather not be reminded while laying there scared and half naked on a table, you know?!

BUT his chewing out DID impress the seriousness of the operation on the helper I guess (or else Dr. YeahBaby just didn't let him help anymore, I am not quite sure) because the rest went perfectly. My headache is gone... MAYBE for 9 months again. I have to take it easy a few days, and the ordeal left me pretty drained. But it was a success. And I would recommend Dr. YeahBaby to any who needed a Pain specialist (and, you know, give them his REAL name).

Then came today. The past week, for some reason I have been just HOBBLING around. Like a broke my right foot but couldn't remember when. Hurts to do ANYTHING, and making my toes have pins and needles, too, for some reason. So, I finally got an appointment with a a FOOT doctor. Never had THAT before.

Because I sure did need another STUPID ailment.

So what "fun" thing do I get to have now is a little, but MEAN, tumor on a nerve in the ball of my foot called a neuroma. It is benign, but still causes the same pain.

The Dr. Foot told me that what we could do was to give my foot cortisone injections for awhile to hopefully postpone the time when I would have to have surgery. However, the shots would do BAD things to my blood sugar. I told him that as I had, just yesterday HAD an injection that very likely had done so, that might be a little bit overkill for my diabetes. He agreed. He didn't really want to rush the surgery, either because at present I have full feeling in my feet and that is something I can LOSE with the diabetes... and removing the offending nerve, well, OBVIOUSLY not helping THAT. So, for now he has my foot in a brace. And FlyLady wins... I finally have to wear shoes in the house. And I try this wacky brace a while till I get shots... and eventually, probably surgery... and stupid special shoes.

But right now, there IS no alternative. I hurt so bad this week I can hardly walk, and am needing a a cane or an arm to balance on half the time. I can't give field trips like this, and I can't drive to work on the levels of pain meds I am on.

So there you go. Doctored and doctored from head to toe, quite literally. But with the brace, I can walk (even if I look a little wobbly, still) and my head is considerably improved, so either way my doctors win this round and I have to be happy. I wish I was happier.

Just feeling a little discouraged at being who I am right now, though. Sorry to be such a whiner. I know I am very blessed, I really do. Just... having a tricky time of it at present.

honest with a robot

Today was a hard day. I started to have a really terrible pain in my foot Thursday morning and it has been getting worse and worse. The thing is, my mom had it the same way in the same spot and if it is the same, well, that's not good.

If it doesn't stop over the weekend I am going to have to get it checked out.

But hobbling around is not the only thing I have been dealing with today. A woman called to tell me she had found my credit card outside the pool and called the company. They told her to cut it up and when I called to report it missing it would already be destroyed. Well, she called me, too, and left it at the pool desk.

It is nice that there are honest people out there.

I deposited my recent pay check into checking... only to find that as my auto-payment had just gone through ON THAT CARD... I was over drawn and even my new pay check didn't cover it. I transfered my savings into it to get me out of the whole.

I called the credit card company to "officially" report my card lost, found and destroyed and the computer voice asked me to verify which of the recent charges I had made.

I admit that for just a moment I thought "I am in debt. I could at least say I did not buy what was recent." I would NEVER have thought that had I been talking to a PERSON, but somehow, talking to a robot, I lose my integrity? Well, I didn't. But it crossed my mind. And THAT made me feel horrible even thinking about it.

But no, I do not lie. Not even to Robots.

But my life is a little scary right now. I can't hang on to this job just because I like it for much longer. I am out of money. My good insurance runs out in November. I am scared to start dealing with the Voc Rehab. I am nervous about my procedure with Dr. YeahBaby... which is TUESDAY.

And now I am limping because of a maybe nueroma (benign growth thing) and have to borrow money from the padres. UNCOOL.

"We are the Knights that Say *BEEP*"

I have been writing about MONDAY till now, trying to get caught up. (even at this moment I have yet to put publish because I haven't been able to upload the picture of Mali at the portkey, but by the time you READ this, it will be.)

It was late Wednesday and I was fixing the babies their dinner. I went downstairs to find smoke. We do not have alarms yet. We keep saying "we need to get some fire alarms." "Yeah, not having smoke detectors is just ridiculous." "yeah. So, what is up with the zucchini, is it supposed to be so, like a BALL? Is it like a hybrid? Because..." Blah blah blah. So we don't have them.

Because my first thought was that their heater had tipped over (even though I have not had the heater out in months), I ran for the glider room to grab my gliders, but their room, with the door closed was, thankfully smoke free.

It was my room. It wasn't a fire, like I thought though... and it was pretty easy to see what was causing the smoke that was making me feel sick very quickly (anxiety of thinking my sugar gliders were on fire didn't help the sick thing much either.). The standing fan in the middle of my room had shorted. I don't know if it was a storm thing or what, but the plastic was melting and the smoke was horrible. I was so upset and scared, I could hardly think.

I took the fan out and threw it in the dumpster right then and started air purifiers in my room. I fed the babies and got in my car, bawling. I did leave a note on the whiteboard for the Roomie, but I just took off and spent the night in the padres' basement.

I did NOT sleep.

I felt so sick all day, though. Girly stuff, I think... though, who knows with me. I called in and told Rinny I was not coming in.

However later the family had PLANS. Going to Spamalot! That was... wow... okay, so mostly it was HILARIOUS. But watching it with the parents and Rinny who rarely watches shows over a G? HIGHLY uncomfortable. Let's just say, I do not know how well the ludeness is going to play in Utah. I mean, my Dad was pissed, but that is easy... but even me and my mom raised our eyebrows at a few parts. So, yeah. Funny. OF COURSE wonderfully quotable, since, you know, it's mostly the same but bigger and more musical.. But... ummm... yeah. You have been warned. Don't take your non-Monty-Python fan family to it. It will NOT be pretty.

Furthermore, like I said, I am sick. And THAT is really putting a damper on EVERYTHING.

"What, the curtains?"

Roadshows and Bird Brains

I didn't know for sure if I was in the Special Ward, like, officially. But I HAVE been going every week except, like, when I went to Sandy to do the signing thing, though only Sacrament... an hour... usually. A few times more, but not often. The thing with my head, though, I THINK I have found a temporary solution besides going home. Find a room, in the dark, lay on the floor and stretch awhile. It's not a good solution, but it relieves the pain a little. I don't know exactly what it is about the benches or something but I can't do them for that long... they pinch just that wrong nerve or something and I can't THINK it starts to hurt so bad. I am going to have to go back to Dr. YeahBaby soon, I think. That, if you remember the last time, well... it's scary.

Anyway, today BOY WAS I AN ACTIVE WARD MEMBER! I stayed All. 3. Hours. PLUS an extra [lame-o] meeting about a ROADSHOW. ROADSHOW. Whiskey Tango...

Yes. really.

I was in sacrament meeting and accidentally was sitting by the very nice Cemetery Plot Matt. (And I MEAN accidentally. I sat down by some scriptures. I didn't know he was passing the sacrament. BLAST.)

So, I am drawing in my journal (it is an awesome one from Megs. It has Wonder Woman (just the regular one, not a fat one, but I still adore Wonder Woman. She is one of my heroes. But then, so is MEGS!) decoupaged on there!) as usual. WHAT was I drawing? Well, at the time, a VERY sacrament appropriate (yeah, I have no clue) rendition of Ricky and Lucy Ricardo as stick figures. Yeah. Embarrassing.

"Do you draw?"
"No. I doodle. There is a distinction."
"Well, could you help doodle the roadshow scenery?"
NO. Doodling, by definition, is SMALL. Scenery is LARGE. And I am almost CERTAIN roadshows are BANNED by the church in... the... No More Roadshows Proclamation. And I do not like teamwork. IF I actually want to do something right I want it done well. This means selecting the best person, artistically, (at work, usually me... among my friends, obviously not) to do it ALONE. No mistakes. And I am busy with work. "Umm... probably not. It would depend on when."
"We'll just work around a time when I see you home."
Yeah. He is my neighbor and can SEE MY CAR FROM HIS HOUSE.
"Uh, Okay."

Damn nice boy. HE SABOTAGED ME!
I don't even know if I am officially IN the ward!
"And by the way, you ARE officially on the ward list. We just assigned you home teachers."
HE SABOTAGED ME AND READ MY MIND!

I come home and the birds start ticking me OF. McKenzie is being adorable and I pet and cuddle her. But BUDDY, on the other hand, tries to BITE said other hand. He throws a tantrum. He is being a but. He tries to ATTACK McKenzie and I can't FIND the perch to separate them when a neighbor comes over to chew me out for having a GEYSER out of my roof. My cooler broke... AGAIN. Grand. So the lady is telling me all this and I am trying to say I didn't know (and really why does that hurt HER? Stupid busybody.) and the birds are yelling in the background I just wanted to tell her "MA'AM, I need you to leave RIGHT NOW because since you are apparently OBLIVIOUS you do not notice I have a TANTRUM to break up!"

So, while I am congratulating myself on how GOOD I was to go to all of church, today has been just TOO MUCH.

I think my Padre/Landie was a bit confused when I called him CRYING about the cooler. He was like "I... I can fix it tomorrow?" He SHOULD... but if it weren't for the day, it wasn't worth tears, you know?

Yeah.

Long day.

Shots, pots, and Aquaba[u]ts

I have been having a rather consistent string of bad days lately. Some of it is medical. Quite a bit of it, really. My headaches are coming back. And the Diabetes, this weekend I pretty much cheated. I cheated because I was sick of trying, for one, and because my stupid numbers didn't seem to change one way or the other whether I tried or not.

I cheated. I ate pasta and bread. Heck, even contemplated Cheesecake (but didn't) and my numbers were horrible.
But earlier, I tried really hard, like I did all month... my numbers were horrible.
That's how things have been lately.
Controlling my diet and not cheating at all.
Taking Metformin...
and Actos...
and Januvia...
and cinnamon.
And still never getting under 200s...(hmmm... just like my weight. LOVERLY.)

So I cheated. Because what the hell is the point anyway?
I will tell you where the point is. The end of the needle. The doctors have been saying so every single time but I have begged and begged for reprieves and pardons and second chances. But after this next follow up, I WON'T get one. I will be going on needles not just for emergencies, but full-time.

As a pretty major trypanophobic, well, let's just say I am scared to death to even go to the doctor about it.

I know I have to, I just... ugh.

On the bright side, I have really good friends.

I recently had a good time renewing an old friendship with a high school friend, Pepper. I was sort of scared to because it is one of those awkward things, you know? I kept thinking either it would be weird and nothing like in high school... or it would be JUST LIKE in high school and therefore really weird and... ahhh... High-Maintenance. Either way, umm, yeah. However, it ended up pretty fun! We played with her rabbit and her nephew who is, essentially, her son. His mom, Pepper's little sister, is now severely disabled, both mentally and physically. It is so WEIRD to see her now. She is a little higher functioning than Roomie's J. It is the saddest thing. (This is Sparkle... not the younger sister who married TexasBoy's clone, just to keep things straight.) But, so Pepper basically raises the boy now. Caring for him... and mostly her sister as well.

Anyway, we (she, another old friend Stacy, and I) met at her home, hung out a bit and then went to the new Provo Arts Center that Pepper's dad is the manager of. It used to be the library, now it is a big theater. We saw Best of Broadway: Featuring the Music of Andrew Lloyd Webber. The beginning was pretty boring, but it was fun later. And afterward we hung out and got drafted into helping which is always interesting, meeting the stars... and having to alphabetize tickets for the next show. Because when you know people... you get put to WORK! hee hee!

Then Yesterday. I gave CC a gift certificate to Color Me Mine for... either Christmas or her Birthday... either way it was way late and THEN it took forever for us to ACT on it and so we finally made plans to GO and Cupcake came too and we painted our hearts out! Not everything worked the way we WANTED exactly, but still... I think it will all look better all cooked and shiny. We also went out to eat at Macaroni Grill. VERY yummy, but very carby (and the topic of that paragraph about cheating.)

Also yesterday was Mali's BIRTHDAY!!!! I finally got over there eventually and we got to hang out and talk and give her the news that she was taller than her friends but God made her that way (hee hee hee!) and her gift... WE ARE GOING TO TOAD THE WET SPROCKET ((and NOW THEY'VE ADDED AQUABATS!) And Dashboard Confessional! and the rest of the Jamboree) September 8th people! Feel free to be jealous.

You SHOULD be.

Got the Blues?

I am feeling a little better today than yesterday. That's, well, improvement. I am still inexplicably crampy and cry at the drop of a hat... but not so many hats are dropped when I don't have work, I suppose. To think, I almost got trapped into working a Birthday Party today. Good thing I decided I am NOT doing those anymore because I was asked when I WASN'T in such a horrible mood and thus almost said yes. (see kids, that is why you decide to "just say no" long before the situation arises! Be it drugs, sex... or birthday parties...)

The Roomie and I babysat one of her nieces this weekend. Because we can't legally have the Mini-Roomie yet, but her sister who is fostering her is so stressed out, she has been randomly taking one of her OWN kids at a time. We had Miss Corduroy staying for about a week, today we had Tinkerbelle, I *think* she is still upstairs in The Roomie's other room (we each have 2. My other is the sugar babies' room. Her's she uses for when she does respite care with J, a guest room, and, if she gets approval, the Mini-Roomie. For now it is the "Random Child in Our Care" room.) because I didn't hear her parents come get her.

Tinkerbelle LOVED all the animals, though. She sang to the Parrots... made Buddy sing and McKenzie dance... and played with Boo and Tortuga, who love attention. But she never did get to see the gliders since they were not to keen to wake up when she came in and their grumpy crabbing scared her. Finally, before her bed time, I went in with her and chewed out Nani (the only one actually crabbing... she's such a brat!) and let her pet Lilo and feed her a Yoggies which both Tinkerbelle and Lilo REALLY enjoyed. It was so cute.

I love my babies!

However, they are certainly a handful. Especially when I am spacey.

I had a very bad headache around 6 and decided I could lay down just a LITTLE. Set my FlyLady timer for 20 minutes. I slept through it (I don't know how. It sounds like a fire alarm) and woke up from a very vivid dream to find it was almost midnight. Now, naps are ALWAYS against the rules for insomnia. But naps that close to bed are TERRIBLE. So, yes, it is now 2 am and I am super awake. ANYWAY, also during that time, I just realized a few minutes ago, I had left the cage open. I was chatting with CC and heard Lilo barking at me to come play with her. I wasn't GOING to... I had meant to just feed them and go to bed... but when I went in the room I realized she wasn't barking from inside the cage. The door to the room was open, so I am very grateful they like their room so much (or were just too lazy to go further) that they hadn't left the glider room, but I had a heck of a time convincing Nani back into the cage. Lilo came to me first for some cuddles and went right in after letting her wrestle my fingers a bit. Heber was finally convinced to dash in for some food. But Epiphany had to be CAUGHT.

(Oh, so, yeah, CC, that's where I went. Sorry for not saying something. I really thought I'd be right back.)

Speaking of FlyLady (yes I did. The TIMER.), I DID do some productive stuff today. I cleaned my room rather well. I "released" a bag full of clothes I don't wear that are now ready to DI. And I made a dent in the cleaning of my bathroom. (by the way, something we learned from Tinkerbelle today. You know those tablets that turn your water blue every time you flush to keep them clean? They really freak 3 year olds out. She didn't want to use the potty because "somebody already blued in there!" and kept flushing it. It was hilarious.''

Kids really are randomly cool. When I don't hate them.

Yes, I am a little afraid to be a mom someday. My fickleness towards children scares me. Mom and I were talking about that yesterday. Just your basic reminder that "Someday, though, you DO want NON-furry kids too, though... right?" To which I said "this has been a very bad day at day camp, therefore I would not recommend asking that right now. Do you want pictures of my gliders for your wallet."
"No."
"Okay."

Because, strangley, I *always* like my sugar babies.

No, that isn't true. Once I didn't. It wasn't their fault. They are just doing what they do... they are Animals. And Epiphany is a beautiful animal... but a very sucky mother. But when Nani killed Diego, her first baby and I saw it. I tried to love them, but I couldn't. It took a long time before I could do more than just feed them. I had so many nightmares. It was just... awful. I got Heber fixed after that. I never wanted to deal with that again. Plicethenese was an after neuter surprise, but yeah. My little glider colony and I are NOT cut out to be breeders!

And, as Ames is one of the main people who has got me through ever glider crisis I have faced, now is as good a time for any for an update. Unfortunately, there is nothing much new to say. I haven't heard anything since Pioneer Day. It looks like they may be putting Dave in a nursing home because his body is getting healthier (but he is still, mentally, unresponsive), and the hospital costs too much. Please continue to keep my friend and her hubby in your prayers.

Or, if you have, like, extra money laying around, then hey, that would be cool, too.

I will probably write more tomorrow (I mean, you know, chances are. I WRITE ALATIME!) but I should TRIE to go to bed though I think it's pointless. It is, at least, COOLER in my room.

And I mean temperature. I am sweating my head off. Though my room IS pretty "cool" at that! Hee hee hee!

p.s. Not flattering, but accurate....

What Homestarrunner.com character are you? Strong Sad You are annoying, depressing, and whiny. But for some reason, no one's killed you yet. You get pummeled on the hour, every hour......

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"He's Pixelated!"

Today I woke up to find my head in agony and my neck was almost immobile. Since I was just in the office and not on a day camp I ended up calling in [dead] to work... and calling in for an appointment with the physical therapist. And it was a very long and painful visit. Apparently I REALLY needed it but it sure HURT and I left with pages of new exercises to do. SIGH.

Other than the horrid state of my neck and head, I decided to use this day to get some things done. Cleaning cages, doing laundry, some extra house stuff... that kind of thing. I also am watching a couple movies that need to go back to the library.

It's funny because what I am watching is Mr. Deeds Goes to Town. I wanted to rent it because I actually kind of LIKED the remake, Mr. Deeds, with Adam Sandler, despite strong possibilities to the contrary. It was funny and cute. But what is TOTALLY surprising me is how CLOSE it turns out it was to the original! I had no idea. I am liking it very much, by the way. Old movies rock, ESPECIALLY ones with people like Gary Cooper.

Although, they BOTH remind me of the extremely BETTER Hudsucker Proxy.... one of my favorite movies EVER. The Coen. Brothers. are. GENIUSES.

"You know, for kids!"

Just fyi, Mr. Deeds (the original) is where the term Doodling came from. I think that's pretty significant, eh?

Yes, my blog is educational! hee hee hee!

Later now. I just had a Creamcicle-like thing! Luckily it's a semi-okay one. AND I also exercised today. So I don't feel too guilty. Hee hee! Not that I am HEALTHY or anything but today wasn't too bad, goal-wise anyway.

Talked again to Fresno about Transformers and He-Man and stuff. We spend WAY too much time in the 80s.
OH, but clearly I can NOT marry Fresno. SO HILARIOUS. (Thanks, Sherpa... or, you know, originally, TIME.)