At least the weather is nice...

Today I did so many PEOPLE THINGS! Like SOCIAL! Okay 2! That's "so many" right now, okay?

Yesterday was Doctor Day. I had an MRI on my stupid lower back. I had an appointment with Doogie Howser, my OBGYN. And I met my Psychiatrist, Dr. Rx. She was all no-nonsense and not much the TALKIE type... I have a psychologist, Dr. Jen, the New Dr. Apparently, for that. Dr. Jen is REALLY nice. I like her a lot! Dr. Rx, is good, too. And we are going to try some things. *sigh* Then I had physical therapy and really got worked over.

Today was GROUP Therapy for Chronic Pain people. I have never been to a Group Therapy thing but both the Psychologist and Psychiatrist really suggested it. So I wanted to try. And the group leader, well one of them, was my social worker lady, Half Pint, who I really like. It was good I went. It was good stuff... but kinda hard.

Not as hard as Relief Society, though. Why is that SO HARD? It's hard. Really bad. The headaches and the back stuff... those chairs just shred my nerves. It hurts so bad. And then the stupid stuff. Not knowing people. I start getting so stressed and nervous being there with people... I get so embarrassed to be there. Because people can TELL. Like they all have to come over and say "are you okay?" and I want them to ignore me. I want to disapear. And yet I want to belong. I know that makes NO SENSE. But that's where I am right now.

I DID stay the whole time.

But I cried on the car ride home.

Grrrr....

Anyway. I have been purposley avoiding watching any news shows about 9-11 today. I had a hard time when they mentioned the tragedy at the church thing. I am torn. I would be angry if the world forgot about 9-11. Ignored it, and those we lost. I would be furious. But let the WORLD remember.... let ME forget... right now. I am too iffy emotional right now to get on a dark spiral thinking about Brady, you know? But I do remember... I'm just CAN'T think yet. Not now. Okay?

reruns

My days are becoming... repetitive. Yesterday I did go to work because we needed to go to a school for a presentation with Journey North and I have been writing our program for that. But I just HURT a lot and spent the rest of the day at Utah Valley Hospital. But other than things I CAN'T get out of, I am not working because I just hurt too much and feel ill all the time. The ulcer is not healing... at least that is probably why I still hurt whenever I eat anything... or don't eat anything for that matter. Tomorrow I meet with a gastroenterologist about that. That crazy appendix/ovary/etc. place in my bottom ride side hurts as does my back like it wants to kill me and they have no idea why so, yes, tomorrow I get another blood test and probably an ultrasound and once again see what the hospital thinks THIS time.

Everyday I just hurt and probably watch Heroes on my mom's online Netflix thing (yay!) and eat nothing good and think too much and get sad.

I miss work on a regular basis.
I miss less pain.
I miss... well, that's unrelated, but yes Thanksgiving is coming and that is when Fresno and I had our first real date and I hate that because he keeps being in my dumb dreams.

My Depression has been pretty bad lately, too, for obvious reasons, so that doesn't help.

Oh, and then today I got in a mini-fight with my Sister/boss because SHE lost a spare key at work and she asked if I knew where it was. I said I was sorry, but no. She was frustrated with the situation and took it out on me. She asked if maybe I took it and maybe I couldn't remember because of pain pills. Geez. Thanks for basically calling me a junky, Rinn.

I am going to feed the sugar babies and go to bed early. I am not actually tired... I am just tired of today being here.

Yup. Part 3. CRAP FEST.

Another day, another CAT scan (showing nothing) and blood test (showing my white cells going UP... not getting better). Sent me home again, on antibiotics and told to come back AGAIN for ANOTHER blood test.

Because basically they are telling me I MIGHT still have appendicitis... they just don't SEE it.
Or the ovary thing... and they will do an ultrasound next.
Or it might be something completely unrelated.

I am tired and I just HURT. I am so tired of this. Seriously, I know I am starting to sound whiney but... Jobette.

Topical Guide Part 2... and starting on Part 3...

Okay, so I wasn't JUST talking about appendicitis because it was a part I had left. Fact is the place hurting the worst happens to BE in the lower right part of my gut... and... yeah. Likely.

So on Sunday night my mom convinced me I needed to check and so I had to go to the UrgentCare. Well, the doc agreed it SEEMED like appendix, took blood and said my white count was a little high... the amount it WOULD be. And so sent me over to the hospital for a CAT Scan... but that seemed normal. However, he said even without the CAT Scan I needed it COULD still be appendicitis. He said if the same place was hurting in 24 hours, to come back and see if the white blood cells were still up.

They were, but not *ENOUGH* so AGAIN... I have to go back for ANOTHER, for blood test. Vials and vials everyday. I hate this. Every 24 hours. If things aren't better they may just DO surgery on NOTHING... but that AREA, it doesn't just have to be an appendix. It could be an ovary thing or a a lymph node on my intestines... anything in that location that might be causing me such pain. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME?

Still don't KNOW mind you, and I am still hurting, and will be getting more of those dumb tests, most likely tomorrow.

And no, in case you are wondering I do NOT have Bird Flu

It's supposed to stop. Not ALL my pain, obviously, but the horrible stomach pain. It's SUPPOSED to stop. The doctors keep telling me "No, you should be fine now. Go ahead and eat regular food. Just nothing heavy or spicy." NO. No! It HURTS! It ALL hurts! I hate food. I hate EATING.
It HURTS ME. (However, at LEAST unlike the child with the stomach ache in the pic I found I am not, like, half human half pig(?))

And it is SUPPOSED to have stopped. The endoscopy showed ulcers, but that they were healing. If I just took it easy for awhile things would be okay. I am wondering now, with how my stomach feels, if something else is wrong too... because something is NOT getting better. My stomach is hurting all the time... and that's on top of the head stuff that never goes away. And other mystery pains (like girl stuff... What the HELL is going on down THERE?! My OBGYN sure has no clue, and my idiot endocrinologist doesn't care.). And my diabetes is CRAZY right now with now doing insulin though at least I FINALLY have competent HELP with it. Sigh.

Right now I am just hurting... hurting and watching old episodes of Heroes online because I only SAW, like, 4 of the first season, but liked them. So now I am sort of catching up and trying not to think about hurting since most everything, pill-wise just hurts me MORE. It is bad. What am I going to do? Meds are making me WORSE... pain pills make me have an ulcer. The ulcer meds are messing with my other pills. Etcetera... chemical confusion... and that's all the doctors will do. Confuse my body some more.

Had a dumb dream last night. Dumb because it involved Fresno. Also sad last night, Reepicheep, the one-winged (to be accurate, more like 1 and a half winged) Pipit, died. The Roomie is SO sad. She has worked so hard with him.
Rest in peace, Reepicheep. I am sorry we couldn't save you. If The Roomie couldn't, I don't know that you had a chance... but I am still sorry. You will be missed. You were a good little bird. Igor was confused, but he had a crush on you. And Critter, well, he annoys ALL the birds, but that little parakeet just ADORED you SO MUCH. He is mourning pretty badly now. We are worried about him. He makes me cry. He keeps looking for you and climbing into your cage, Reep. But don't worry, he will adapt. And You, well, you will be happy in Heaven. His eye is on the Pipits, too, you know.

Shell Shock

What a week.

First of all, I tested, interviewed, and got hired at another job. Yay.
It is outbound, calling people for surveys... basically annoying the general populous... and yes, it is going to be boring.

So why accept it?
Because it starts a buck more an hour than TGP and can go up to 4 bucks more.
Because it is local and so much less travel.
But MOSTLY because it is WORK WHEN YOU WANT and that means I can STILL work at Thanksgiving Point and just Fill In the OTHER days with PGM! YAY!

It's a dang good thing I took the typing tests THAT day, though, because the next day at work (teaching Pumpkin carving at Pumpkin Palooza!) I broke my left ring finger in a folding chair. I can still type (luckily I type bad... not "home row") but it is a lot slower because when I accidentally use the broken tip I scream. It is just the bone ABOVE the tip top joint (the distal phalanx)... so I can move it and don't have a splint because that doesn't even help. All I got for it is pain pills. DUMB.

But it is amazing how much something so LITTLE can hurt.

Yes, I am SO jinxed.

I went to a few doctors this week... my Neurologist and Doogie my OBGYN and my awesome foot doctor. I have even MORE pills to take. More dumb medical mysteries.

On the other hand, I am having a pretty good time trying to get this Tortoise to thrive. Poor little dude. I named him Bratanik (means boy cousin). But I have been calling him Little Brudder... even though he does have all his limbs. I am falling for him. I knew it would happen. Even a dusty old tortoise can steal your heart if you let it in your house. SIGH.

He wasn't eating. He FINALLY is, but refuses to eat from a dish. I a still going to get him checked out soon as I get a pay check and find the most reasonably priced herp vet. He isn't well, but I would like to be sure he isn't, like, riddled with parasites or anything.

Bratanik isn't as colorful as his "Brother" Tortuga nor is he as friendly... but hopefully he will get used to us.There are humans, dogs, birds... and we have no idea what his life was like before. In fact there is a HUGE portion of Russian Tortioses in the opet trade that were WILD caught, poor things. So who knows.

But we will do our best to get him well AND win him over!

101.9 The End of Summer Jamboree!

The day of the Jamboree arrives and I guess I didn't really get the whole-day-ness of the event and then I had the radio on while I was just chillin' in my bedroom and they said they were down at TGP getting set up. So I texted Mali, who texted back "what time are we going tonight?"
That's when I told her my discovery that I was a dork and didn't realize it started, technically at NOON! Well, she had chores to do and I should have too, except to be honest, I was curled up in bed really wishing the concert was next week.

Between my girly guts and my worsening headache again, I woke up wishing I was dead. But I tried the whole "fake it till you make it" thing... and even though I medicated heavily (Ugh.) I don't think I did so well at it. The meds helped, but I was sick in every bathroom I went to, and my head wanted to explode. Yeah, BLEH...

Anyway, I went to Mali's and we found a blanket and some card games and then went to lunch at Los Hermanos. Yum! (Even though I ate very little of my meal, (but a lot of the chips and horchata) since I felt so yucky, even that was TOO MUCH.) Then we went out to TGP. I was sick when we reached it though, and needed a restroom quickly. So we went to the Farm first, especially once we saw the sign that said "No Re-admittance." NOT ready to commit fully to the conbcert yet we used the facilities at Farm Country and looked at the silly goats. The newest baby... a little black pygmy... is just a DOLL! And I said hi to my little girl Ambrosia, who looks almost all grown up. If the door latch hadn't have been such a pain (and Mean Meagan was eyeing me) I would have hugged her while I was in there.... and TRIED to catch the cute new kid, but probably failed. They are QUICK! But NEXT time, Mali, I will be more behind the scenes and see who we can catch. Hee hee!

When we finally went in and staked our claim on the lawn, we had a pretty good time just chilling, playing cards, and listening to music, even though most of it at first was nobody I really KNEW. (Limbeck? Piebald? Maybe I just don't know new stuff anymore.) The only one that I thought was really good of the ones I never heard of was Lucas Reynolds. Had a pretty good sound. Mali called him a "little bit of American Cold Play." Anyway, he was pretty good.

The Aquabats were (of course) INSANE! Fighting the pilgrims and giant turkey over the right to rename Thanksgiving Point, High-Five City, sending toddlers crowd surfing on floating toys in a "seahorse race," and other antics. Oh my heck. Lunacy.

However, I feel bad because I just was NOT in a silly enough mood. I have ALWAYS liked them and I was looking forward to seeing them live, and DID enjoy it, but honestly, I just wasn't as into it as I should have been because I was tired and girly. And that makes me sad. I wanted to love it.

They are so bizarre. I especially liked when they were singing about Pizza Day being the best day of the week and throwing pizza and a slice apparently fell right on this chick's cleavage. One of the Aquabats said, "see, now, you should have listened to your mother. I bet she told you that was too low cut for 'standards.' And now you have pizza on your chest."

Anyway, funny stuff.


Colbie Caillat was good, just sort of... a Bummer. She is obviously a talented girl and stuff but the music was a little too... I don't know. It was making BOTH of us think about people we'd rather not right now (Fresno and Ender). Bleh. So we talked about how dumb boys were, how dumb we were, etc. But basically just not in the mood for her songs. OH but they had peach cobbler. Had to buy that! Woo hoo?

Decided I was NOT such a fan of The Format. Kind of whiny... annoying... yeah. Not a huge fan. But we decided to kill time ourselves, once it got darker... watching Scrubs on Mali's iPod. Hee hee!

Finally the best was Toad the Wet Sprocket, even though they made me feel old by saying, "some of you may have heard this one in the womb..." before doing one of their older songs. They were really good. And we also pretended to flirt with some cute boys' legs. That was funny. But I was feeling pretty crappy by then. And we decided we wanted to hear Toad, but didn't care that much about Dashboard so after the set (which was mighty good) we just listened to them as we walked out of the park.

So, yeah, that was the night. It was good. I just wish I was in a better mood. I am sure I wasn't much fun to be with.

And I didn't even get HOME-home after before getting sick again. Stopped at the Padres.

ANYWAY...

And lest you think CC is the only nerd, I thought I would share MY house in Gaia (because I am super proud of it)...
along with points of interest circled in Blue.

A. That's right, I totally have a little parrot to answer my phone. Because that is way better than an answering machine.

B. I also have a dog. It is a Sheltie and I am just going to pretend it is playing with and not mauling that baby chick. And since the whole THING is pretend, it can be TRUE.

C. No, that is not a Girlie Poster, it just goes with my retro/surfer/Tiki stuff, you sickos!

D. That's right, pancakes and Coke for everyone! I am just that awesome of a pretend hostess.

E. Yes, I stole that from CC. Covet Covet Covet!!!

So... yeah. I should go to bed, like, yesterday. BLEH.

"We are the Knights that Say *BEEP*"

I have been writing about MONDAY till now, trying to get caught up. (even at this moment I have yet to put publish because I haven't been able to upload the picture of Mali at the portkey, but by the time you READ this, it will be.)

It was late Wednesday and I was fixing the babies their dinner. I went downstairs to find smoke. We do not have alarms yet. We keep saying "we need to get some fire alarms." "Yeah, not having smoke detectors is just ridiculous." "yeah. So, what is up with the zucchini, is it supposed to be so, like a BALL? Is it like a hybrid? Because..." Blah blah blah. So we don't have them.

Because my first thought was that their heater had tipped over (even though I have not had the heater out in months), I ran for the glider room to grab my gliders, but their room, with the door closed was, thankfully smoke free.

It was my room. It wasn't a fire, like I thought though... and it was pretty easy to see what was causing the smoke that was making me feel sick very quickly (anxiety of thinking my sugar gliders were on fire didn't help the sick thing much either.). The standing fan in the middle of my room had shorted. I don't know if it was a storm thing or what, but the plastic was melting and the smoke was horrible. I was so upset and scared, I could hardly think.

I took the fan out and threw it in the dumpster right then and started air purifiers in my room. I fed the babies and got in my car, bawling. I did leave a note on the whiteboard for the Roomie, but I just took off and spent the night in the padres' basement.

I did NOT sleep.

I felt so sick all day, though. Girly stuff, I think... though, who knows with me. I called in and told Rinny I was not coming in.

However later the family had PLANS. Going to Spamalot! That was... wow... okay, so mostly it was HILARIOUS. But watching it with the parents and Rinny who rarely watches shows over a G? HIGHLY uncomfortable. Let's just say, I do not know how well the ludeness is going to play in Utah. I mean, my Dad was pissed, but that is easy... but even me and my mom raised our eyebrows at a few parts. So, yeah. Funny. OF COURSE wonderfully quotable, since, you know, it's mostly the same but bigger and more musical.. But... ummm... yeah. You have been warned. Don't take your non-Monty-Python fan family to it. It will NOT be pretty.

Furthermore, like I said, I am sick. And THAT is really putting a damper on EVERYTHING.

"What, the curtains?"

Bleeding from the outside in would be... like... a Transfusion, wouldn't it?

Wow, the clouds are so pretty right now. They are BRILLIANT pink. I haven probably had a TV overload. I am watching the season finale of 24 right now. Before that the (tapes of) Scrubs, The Office, and Gilmore Girls.

At least I overloaded on GOOD TV. Hee hee! But, well, BAD TV has it's happy place, too. I am watching TV and an ad for some silly Made-for-TV suspense movie called Pandemic comes on. This guys gets sick and the doctor person says "It's like he bled from the inside out!" Ummm, people, we ALWAYS bleed from the inside out. You can't bleed from the outside in!

But then, I have recently been deciding the world is just full of bad writing. Case in point, margarine at Smith's grocery. HA!

I'm sorry but does that slogan sound a little weird to anyone else?! Like, "I don't know what it IS, but Butter it's NOT..."

Anyway, today was really really frustrating. I am trying to not bawl any more, though, so here goes the sunshine edited version...

First I met with my Psych and ended up crying a ton, because, that's what I DO when I have to talk about Depression stuff. However, he gave me a TON of assignments for the insomnia and said that 15 of 15 people who actually DID the assignments got into normal sleep in 8 weeks. The other 2 in his study didn't do the assignments.

So I have full intentions of being insomnia free by mid-July. And I will never again even take "how early does it start?" into consideration in career exploration! See how positive I am being?
He also told me I needed to go to regular appointments with another psychologist, like therapy and stuff. I haven't CALLED Dr. Apparently yet, but I will tomorrow. Because, well, THIS is not working. Whatever we want to call this.

So I will get an appointment with him soon. I hope he can help.

But I will tell you what I am pretty sure is NOT going to help... this OTHER counselor, a career counselor lady at Voc Rehab which was ALSO today. I only even WENT there because the Psych referred me to try out their program. I didn't want to go anyway. So FINE. Whatever. I don't care if she DOES ever get back to me. I left crying my head off and stayed crying much of the rest of the day.

I want to do this. I want to fix me. I want to stay happy awhile for a change.

I want...
to wake up at a normal time and go to SLEEP when I get in bed.
to be able to have a full-time job with benefits that I like as much as my part-time, $7/hour/ no benefits on at TGP that will, after all, be pretty much phased out once field trip season is over. I mean I can get hours here and there, but yeah, BLEH.
to be happy when things are happy and be able to HANDLE having a good relationship.
to control my blood sugar and not be diabetic!
to lose around 105 pounds, ideally.
to curb these constant headaches and just "get a headache" like a normal person!
to get all normal in my, uhh, SOUTHERN region and the hormonal crap that goes along with that junk.
to gain more flexibilty in my calves so I don't get Charlie Horses so much.
to be on meds that do more HELP than HARM! Grrr!
to be more financially independent... yeah, that's a LITTLE off-topic, but not much because all that makes a significant difference in how difficult THAT particular goal is to accomplish.

ANYWAY, as for the whole insomnia thing, one of those assignments besides a journal thingy to fill out is a very strict bedtime regardless of whether I SLEEP during it. SIGH. Not as hard as the OTHER end though... waking up at 7 am.

So, to that end, I am off to feed the babies and go to bed. :O/

Arrivederci, Anziano BoyKid, Hello Aunt Flo

it's been a really really long day.

I want some chocolate. Even just Ovaltine.

Parts of today have been good, but still EMOTIONAL.

Early this morning my baby brother, BoyKid left the MTC to fly to Milan, Italy. He was allowed to call us, though (since the days of "seeing" missionaries off AT the airport is long gone.) when he reached Chicago. Next he would fly to England. THEN into Milan. Anyway, Rinny and I missed work to go to the Padres' to talk with him on speaker with Padre and Mom.

I can't believe he will be there. I am so jealous! But at the same time, wow, he is going to have a hard time. But STILL, he DOES get to see stuff like the Duomo.

But talking to him was SO much fun, but also hard. I miss him. We ALL miss him, so much. He really is perfect for this, though. He is so spiritual, much more so than I have ever been. But he is also so HIM. All funny and fun and crazy. He has to be careful not to flirt as much as he is used to, but all that have been serving with him thus far LOVE him, sisters and elders alike. He makes everyone laugh... but not at the expense of the spirit. BoyKid is, in my opinion, the PERFECT elder.

But, unfortunately, he is related... has our genes... and thus, already battles a bit of Depression. He is hard on himself, too, and wants so much to be perfect, but doesn't see himself anywhere close. The mission is going to be very hard on him, I am afraid. I don't want him to... well... feel like me. When he says anything that sounds remotely like it, I feel my heart screaming NO NO NO NOT BoyKid. LEAVE HIM ALONE! Please, spare him from this. He doesn't deserve it. He is, really too good for it.

I am so proud of my little brother. In the airport he had his first "contact"... he made a goal to try to share the Book of Mormon with SOMEONE on his way out. The first person he talked to? A polite, intelligent man who had a lot to say... part of which was "...well, to Christian's, like me who have been born again... of which I am a preacher..."

Yup, first person my baby bro chooses to talk to outside of Utah was, of course, a Preacher. hee hee hee hee!

Anyway, I have a ton more to write, but as I was saying it has been a very very long day. So I will continue this tomorrow. After ANOTHER long day.

Now it's ANOTHER 'nother day. Thursday. And I can't remember what I was even going to tell you. Let's see. It was emotional. Then I had a neurology appointment and they want to do another MRI in a couple months. And try new meds. And then work was frustrating. And I should really share more pictures of my little brother doing funny stuff in the MTC that he sent me. But I don't have them right here. So, ummm, later.

In summary:
Depression sucks
Fresno is sweet
I rock at shopping...
too bad I am not financially stable.
I hate meds.
I love meds.
I cried A LOT.
My girly parts do not work normal yet, they JUST cramp painfully. That is all. Just hurt, make me sick, and most likely undo any of the good being done by my anti-depressants. Basically, so far I ONLY get PMS.... with no actual period, nor *end* to the PMS in sight. Yeah. Still need to get THAT figured out.