I am not a Sark!

(whatever that is, I am not one.)

My new therapist, New-Ivy, who's real pretend name is Jan (as in Levenson-Gould on the Office.  Not JanBrady, my cousin Squall's little girl), wants me to seriously do affirmations in the mirror.  Not "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!!!" but telling the mirror ways in which I am a success.  Doing that with her, I bawled like she's asked me to murder a puppy.  It was so embarrassing.  So, what I am supposed to to TELL said mirror is as follows:

1. I am going to vocational rehabilitation.
2. I am going to therapy to change my way of thinking.
3. I am going to physical therapy and water aerobics to get stronger and healthier.
4. I am taking my prescribed meds to be well.
5. I have a part-time job that is fulfilling and fun. 
6. I am starting my own small business (Critters 2 Go).
7. I am going back to college to get a better career.
8. I am talented, and keep busy with creative things.
9. I take good care of my animals.

I'll add some more if I think of any other "I am not failing" type of thoughts.  But I don't think that saying it all in the mirror is going to help me AT ALL.

Can't Hug Every Kim

Things I Want Right Now:
Heber back.  I really want Heber back.
Gnocchi Mac & Cheese. That looks so dang good. 
An end to these d**n migraines.


Things I am Doing Right Now:
Watching my new beardie, Stanley Yelnats climb in his cage.
Laughing at "Can't Hug Every Cat" with Mom (the song based on the eHarmony Crazy Cat Lady. I don't care if she IS fake, it is STILL funny.)


What I Should Be Doing Right Now:
Cleaning my hermit crabs' tank.
Finding Newsies in my DVDs because BoyKid wants to watch it with Kimpossible (who he likes and she likes him. Aww, cute.  Wish it was Kiddo, though.  She is my FAVORITE Kim in his life.) on their date tonight. Actually, yeah... it's 7:30 almost. I will do this now.

...


A few hours later.  The date is going on downstairs, I am watching Burn Notice, playing on Pinterest... I still haven't cleaned the crab cage. Maybe tomorrow.

Today I went to Voc Rehab.  I don't know if they'll help me at all. But I am seeing.  As for my new therapist, New-Ivy, I just... okay, IDK. I am having the hardest time dealing with my new therapist. I had a therapist I really liked. She was like my friend. However, she has recently had a baby... and made the decision to leave her practice to be a full-time SAHM. So she transferred my records to her replacement. Which should be fine. New-Dr. is a good psychologist. She is also nice, personable, etc. Then we start talking about what I do with my free time/Critters 2 Go. She tells me "Oh, you have sugar gliders?! My daughter had one!" First problem... ONE. Second? The daughter is 8 years old. Gliders are NOT good KID pets. Third, "HAD." Yeah, she tells me "well, and they just DIE. I mean, like after a few months. How long do they live for anyway?"
Me: "15 years."
Oh, AND "and they stink so bad." Now, gliders DO smell, but mostly if they have crappy diets. Well, and the boys just stink to high heaven when they aren't fixed.
ME: "was it a male?"
HER: "Oh, I have no idea" she laughs, "like I said, they die so easy."
ME: "yeah, they have pretty specific needs, a really specialized diet, stuff like that." She blew that off pretty quick.

Okay, so she is still a good therapist, but the whole time I am stewing and seeing her as this lady who got an exotic pet after doing no research for her daughter who was too young to care for it and doesn't seem particularly sorry about it's early death due to, in all likelihood, incorrect care. Grumble grumble.

So, am I being completely irrational? The thing is, if she was some other doctor... I mean there is no necessity to click with your podiatrist! But someone who is supposed to be helping me with my emotional/mental health? It is probably petty, but I have a really hard time with the whole thing. 

Beauty without Proper Citations

I have been having a kinda depressing day. Maybe it's just been my stupid sugars out of control. That doesn't help. But I thought maybe looking at random pictures people have emailed me... and that I have no idea of their source! I want to save them somewhere, be able to share them on Pinterest.... oh Pinterest. But I wish I had the photographer or something to give them proper credit. So if you know, please share the info!

So, on a mostly unrelated note, my therapist Ivy has quit her practice to be a full-time mom. Which is awesome for her, and I think she should... but it sucks for me. I do not really like New-Ivy that much. She is okay, just.... yeah. Changing doctors is hard, especially when you sort of need to click with them emotionally. It doesn't much matter if a podiatrist clicks with you... but with mental health, yeah. :P

In other OTHER news, Mrs. Doctor Hasacrazywife is now spreading rumors about my dad. Now, my dad and I don't get along that well, but she is saying PSYCHO stuff that just ISN'T true. Like that he was screaming vulgarities at these ladies. Okay, *I* might say damn and hell sometimes, but he DOESN'T. Pretty much his version of cursing is saying stupid things like "quatching" and "oh my heck" and if he is really mad "FETCH!" Somehow the image of my dad saying really dirty foul things to ladies on the street who go to our church? Yeah. She is KOOKOOPANTS.

Broken, and Broke to Boot

Today's headache remedy?  Botox (yes, I have a *pretty* headache again.) and a huge Coke.  The Coke helped a little today, hoping the poison helps within a week or 2.  REALLY hope so. If it does then I am going to have surgery.  Get some muscles in my forehead removed, and the nerves in my temples removed too.  Scary but worth it because a 2 + month long headache is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I just watched Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  Getting ready for November and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I!  Woot!  I am such a nerd.  Now I am watching Chuck.  Like I said, NERD. So what?

They still haven't sent my papers to get started on my Exhibitor's License for Critters.  I am getting worried. I hope I am allowed to do shows and classes again SOON.  I have had to turn one down already, and have one as a "Maybe" depending on how long this takes.  SIGH.  I also hope it is not expensive.  I don't have  much at all, plus I am attempting to earn enough to go to Spain to visit MyNigerian.

I haven't been able to work for real, like at Thanksgiving Point.  I spend all my days mostly in bed, my head stabbing and trying to kill me.  It is not cool AT ALL.  So I am not earning any money, either.  This while I am still trying to save as much as I can for that Ola trip.  And I have felt sick besides. 

So NOTHING is really going great in the luuuurve department.  MyNigerian and I hardly talk. We love each other, I think, I mean I KNOW I love him and think he loves me but with his life being all screwy right now with not having any money for school and losing his home and MY life being all screwy with no work and pain in a non-relenting series, ugh.  It is just a struggle catching each other.  Plus I am scared he is going to give up... on me.  I would. :(

Okay, I'm going to take a bath and probably be a baby and cry.  I need to get an appointment with my therapist, I have been too Bleh to go and I just got a letter from her asking if I was doing too well to come. HA! Awesome. That would be so funny. "Sorry, I am a little too happy to come to Therapy, thanks anyway, Ivy." HEE HEE HEE!  Instead I am too, well, BUMMED for THERAPY. hee hee! Yeah, I am a nerd.  A depressed, screwed up, hurting, in-love-with-a-boy-in-Spain, NERD.

Better than Meds

Today I am carding wool.  Well, not so much carding as cleaning as I am just doing it with my fingers, but my plan is to have some fresh fluffy wool to my my core wool in Needle Felted creations!  I ordered Roving (the colored wool) and am excited to MAKE something.  Honestly I have been doing so much better, Depression-wise and I don't think it is due to my Cymbalta, Welbutrin, or Abilify, though I am sure they help.

1. My Psychologist, Holly, has me doing SOMETHING creative for at least 1/2 hour a day to escape from pain and stress.
2. Ola, My Nigerian.

Quilling, needle felting, planning Steamed Cabbages, drawing... these things don't actually make me not hurt (sometimes they make me hurt more... at least my hands do) but they seem to help me feel better emotionally, even from just a little half hour session of  it all.  Helps to have a project, like I do when I can go to work.  I like my work.

And MyNigerian, well, I am amazed at how happy that guy makes me.  He makes me happier, braver, more able to cope.  He encourages me constantly and is a wonderful spiritual example.  I think I'm going to marry that boy eventually. He's amazing. AMAZING!  And look at that SMILE! *Le Sigh!*

Today has been a hard day for me.  It's beautiful and springy and I should have been at church but instead I felt crappy as can be.  Hurting, and sick... throwing up with a migraine.  I didn't go to church. Didn't do much at all.

I still feel bad, but I read MyNigerian's most recent letter, did some wool, watched Bewitched, and I am feeling at least a little better. <:O)

Shoelaces, the Gift of Tongues, and Dogs the Size of Horses

Where to start? This week... wow.

For one thing I have had a really sick feeling for the past few weeks bout Megan. I felt like she was suicidal. And I felt like she was hospitalized. I think I even SAID so. To Mali? Or CC? Did I, Mali? Steph? Say she was hospitalized? Because I don't know why I said it. At all. I didn't know she was committed, until today when she finally called me back and said she had finally been released. But I felt it. Somehow, I knew she was in the hospital before she said anything. Because she is my Megan, I guess. If that makes sense. Anyway, she is home now, but still under close watch... with lots of doctor's appointments. That is good.


One thing that made me giggle (and cry, simultaneously) was when she was telling me about getting released "...and they told me, oh and you have this appointment today and that one tomorrow..."

"Hey, that's cool. Being in the hospital is like having a secretary!"

"Yeah, a secretary that steals your shoelaces."

"WHAT?!"

"They unthreaded my shoes... because they do that dangerous job of holding shoes to my feet!"

"Shoelaces? Dang, chica! You suicidal people are creative!"

"Heck yes we are!" she laughed.

I remember the first time she was in there. They wouldn't let her have magazines until they pulled the staples out. But that would take some serious talent to hang yourself with shoelaces, that's what I have to think anyway.

Anyway, we talked a long time. It was good. I have missed her terribly. She is my Megan... She is my best friend, my cousin... but she is also... the person I would die for... my spirit's twin... I don't know. She is my MEGAN. And I hurt very deeply when she does. I try to not let it worsen my OWN Depression and such, but it is hard. I just have to focus on the good stuff... that she is okay enough to be out... that she is getting help she needs... that her wonderful hubby St. Jakey is there for her. But... yeah. HARD.

But today was also an important day in our family for the BoyKid! Today we all went with him the the church to be with him as he was set apart as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and given a very beautiful blessing that he would be protected, that our family would be blessed, that he would learn Italian by the Gift of Tongues.

BoyKid cried a LOT. I think he is getting nervous. But he will do good. He really will. Tomorrow we take him to the Missionary Training Center and say goodbye for 2 years. I am going to miss him... a LOT. We all will. That kid is hilarious. Italy doesn't know how lucky it is.

After the setting apart, blessing, and firming up tomorrow's plan, Fresno called and cheered me up quite a bit. He was exhausted though. After work he was shampooing carpets all day at the new house (the one in Cali... he plans to get one in UTAH, too... but in August or so)! He closed on it just a few days ago and got the keys the same day he got a call from his brother that THEY were moving... to somewhere with no fence and yard. Why does that matter? Well, because it meant that a few days ago I got a phone call so excited I thought the boy had won the lottery.

"Remember how I have wanted a dog so much?! Especially after playing with [The Roomie]'s when I came last time?" Remember that?!"

"Yes..."

"And remember how I was so happy that the house had a good yard with a fence?!"

"Yes! Did you get a DOG?!"

"No! I got 2 dogs! My brother is giving me his 2 IRISH WOLFHOUNDS!!!! And they're free! And I love them and they are mine and they are big..."

"Umm... [Fresno], they are HUGE. Irish Wolfhounds are GIANT."

"I KNOW! Isn't that great?!"

Fresno is now the proud papa of 2 of the tallest dog breed in the world - a sister and brother named Demi and Darby. He gets to pick them up tomorrow and he is absolutely FLYING he is so hyper. IT IS SO CUTE. Irish Wolfhounds are far from my favorite breed... but I think I can love them. HE sure does. Over the moon, that boy. Adorable. Well, and he is such a Celticphile. Obsessed with ALL things Irish. I think he is slightly crazy... 2... TWO of those puppies?! Oh and they are NOT puppies. He says they'll be 4 years old May 6th. But yeah 2 monsters bred to hunt wolves (but these ones better not hunt anything other than squeaky toys or I would have a MAJOR problem) and he is talking about brushing them everyday, and buying them cute things (seriously. He can be SUCH a girl!) and teaching them the same tricks Trinket and Shasta know. SIGH.

But his excitement is contagious, and besides... well, I can not resist ANY furry face! He promised to take pictures for me. For now I am just looking at Irish Wolfhound websites all the time. Hee hee hee hee!

Yesterday, when we were swimming, my mom and I were talking about him. At the end of it she asked, "but, seriously, don't you think you will marry him? Eventually?" I admitted I did. EVENTUALLY. And my hesitation has nothing to do with what he is (ie: near PERFECT for me) and everything to do with me and what I fear about myself.

Anyway, also tonight Fresno was teasing me, like usual. We were talking about BoyKid going.

"So, did he ask you if you were going to be married while he was gone?"

"No, he did NOT ask that."

"My brother got married while I was on my mission. They didn't even tell me. Rude, huh?"

"Well, I think that is HORRIBLE! Not to even tell you? Your brother was a jerk."

"They said they sent an announcement. But they lied... or it got lost. I guess that's possible."

"Well, anyway. That is dumb. Not even to tell you."

"So do you think they should have waited for me?"

"Hmm... I don't know. Maybe. You don't really LIKE your brother, so probably not. But maybe if you liked your brother..."

"You really like your's, huh."

"Yeah."

"But I think I understood them not waiting. And wasn't mad or felt bad."

"Umm... yes you DID. You said they were rude!"

"Oh yeah. But... umm... maybe if my new in-law was COOL then I would not have wanted them to wait for me. As long as they TOLD me. Like maybe with a funny package."

"Hmmm... maybe. We'll see."

Then I changed the topic and we talked about Conference time when he is coming next and how we missed each other and other such patheticity. And more about the dogs and the houses and his disabled cousin that he takes care of suddenly getting to spend time with his dad who hasn't seen him in 12 years! It was good to talk. I miss him.

I seem to be MISSING a lot of people lately. But, as the Stake President said (well, to the same effect anyway), how great is it to have so many people in our lives that are worth being missed?