Homesick.

Yesterday was sort of the last day of the family "stay-cation."  All this holiday season we have been making an effort to do more together.  BoyKid and Rinny came home to stay and we have been having Racko tournaments, going to Salt Lake to see the Church History Museum, and watching movies.  Last night we saw Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  And yes, it was good, especially for being based on one of the best series of books ever made.  That's hard to live up to.  But it didn't ruin the book.

Then Rinny went home. To her apartment.  BoyKid goes back to his today.

When do *I* get to go back to MY apartment?  When will things return to normal?  When will I be able to work again?  Not have doctors every week?  Not have a headache every day?

For that matter when will I be able to eat with out throwing it up?  Argh.



So I didn't go to church with the fam. Feeling too crummy. But at least I am listening to K-Love (Christian Rock). Hee hee!

Also, I am watching all my animals.  Tortuga is swimming happily in his tank and begging for a treat. He is a good turtle.  Cute little Baby Fable is sleeping on her fleece cube. Jack and Clementine, the leopard geckos are curled up like cats in their respective houses, and Bratanik is climbing up his basking rock backwards.  Like going up the tallest side first.  He is cute, but not the brightest crayon in the box.  The hermit crabs are doing NOTHING.  Well, especially Archie MacPhee as he is under the ground molting so I don't even know if he is ever coming up again or if he will DIE.  Gosh I hate when they molt. The gliders are, I assume, asleep in their pouch, but as their Reptarium is in my bedroom I don't know that for sure.

I love my little zoo.

I ALSO love my little business!  And in order to keep it on the up and up I really need to get that USDA Exhibitor's License FINISHED!  I have a doctor tomorrow but I am going to call my exotic vet, Dr. Dobson and see if I can set up the mandatory home inspection by her this week.  Get that ball rolling.  Especially since I have some parties scheduled in the spring.

Happy-ish New Years

It is New Year's Eve and I am still debating whether to go to Comedy Sportz with the sybs or not.  I feel SO sick.  I am throwing up and generally feeling miserable.  Though my critters are making me feel better.  I've got Fable out in the play tent and she is running around spazzing and jumping.  She is crazy!  I love her. <3

I am also taking pictures of  Jack and Sally Clementine on the Piano (because they just look cool on the keys!).  They are such amazing animals.  Clementine is sweet and shy.  Jack is full of himself and a jerk.  But I do so love them both.


I also decided I needed a more Steampunkish computer.  If I was talented I would make something like THIS:

But as I am not I went to SkinIt. And did this:

Okay.  I'm not going.  I feel terrible.  BoyKid and Rinny are going now.  Mom and Padre are headed to a party.  I will be ringing in 2011 with my animals.

Low on Fluid, should I check my oil too?

So, after my spinal tap results returned they determined that I don't have MS, West Nile, or any other crazy thing they tested for. What I did have was very low spinal fluid.  They think I may be leaking out spinal fluid either from a crack along the spine or in the brain.  Anyway, they are going to test me all over and find the leak so they can patch it.  I go in to the hospital for those next Wednesday.  In the meantime I am on heavy pain meds, sleeping all day mostly.

EXCEPT for last night. Last night I went to a concert! One of my favorite bands, Colors.  Colors hasn't made a new CD in YEARS but they did, a little short 5 song one, but still good things.  I went with the sybs as Rinny and I got BoyKid totally hooked on them though they were before his time. They ended the concert covering Hey Jude, so that especially made me happy. Colors and The Beatles=JOY.

Now, it would have been awesome if I could have done all that with out the dizziness of my meds and the lingering headache, but I need to be grateful I ever get to leave the house.  Right now just feeling really frustrated with life in general.  Major Celestial Homesickness, you know?  But, yeah. Good tunes.

BoyKid the Murse?

Little bro,. BoyKid is in the other room talking to Padre who is once again pressuring him into Nursing. I just don't think he should. I don't see him being a nurse. I mean he is NICE. super nice... but so scatterbrained. I would be scared if he were MY nurse.  Maybe more of a pat old people's hands type.  I don't know.  He is SUPER smart... just... yeah. Who knows.

 Sister, Rinny's birthday is coming up and we are going to see a show.  We Just saw Urinetown at UVU. OH MY GOSH. HILARIOUS.  Like probably one of the best productions of oine of the best shows ever. Laughed a freaking ton.  I loved it.  Anyway, we will go see something because, well, Rinny is Drama Girl and we are a Drama Fam.

I can't believe how OLD we all are.

I am almost 31. THIRTY ONE.

Adrift in the Empty Sea

Even though I love my little brother and think he is hilarious, I didn't know it would be so hard. It SHOULDN'T have been. They tell you to say goodbye fast. We didn't. That was dumb dumb DUMB. We were the LAST FAMILY out of the room and we were all crying really hard. I was holding it together till BoyKid started crying. Because he didn't look sad and excited. He looked MISERABLE. He was bawling. And I couldn't stop after that. I had a fight with Padre at lunch before the MTC, and cried at THAT too. The Megan thing... and my own medication struggles has me on hair trigger anyway... and then Padre... and then BoyKid...

it was a bad day to be leaving him. Way too emotional. And he really did look AWFUL. (AFTER the pics. DURING pictures, he was, well, HIM. The crying came a half hour or so later.) I want to go bring him home right now. Actually, that's not quite true.

I feel more like putting on my old name tag and sneaking in with him. (That's Fresno's fault. I have been thinking of infiltrating the MTC ever since he confessed that 2 of his little best friends stole tags from older brothers and snuck in to hang out for a day with him when HE was in the MTC. BAD!)

Before the MTC we went to Padre's country club for lunch and the little boy apparently made a last ditch effort to be dumb before they try to smarten him up. He is SUCH a BOY.


Then we went to Provo to the legendary Missionary Training Center and we were directed as to where to drag his bags.


Then we went back to the front and IN appropriate doors.

(Rinny's says Friends and Family of Missionaries.)


(BoyKid's says New Missionaries... and he looks like he is impersonating a rodent of some sort.)

Then we went in, and he got his name tag (complete with Dork Dot, of course!) and the lady told him to have his mom put it on.


And then camera time was over. We went into the assembly room. There were prayers, video clips, and before it was even really time to go we were blubbering, including BoyKid which just ripped my heart out!

I know he will adjust... and LOVE it. And what's more important, he will do God's work. But right this minute, I just... want to talk to him. I want to tell him stuff and have him confide in me and hang out and just to BE here. I miss him so much right now I don't think him being HOME would be enough. I would want BoyKid to move in and sleep on the couch.

Other than that today, I went to a job interview (with a staffing service to do customer service (Meh.)... not TGP like I want, but I need SOMETHING.), swam, cried more... Oh! But Coats called and she is coming up this way and so we are going to hang out tomorrow! So that should be good. But in general, yeah... I miss my baby brother. *sniffle*

Shoelaces, the Gift of Tongues, and Dogs the Size of Horses

Where to start? This week... wow.

For one thing I have had a really sick feeling for the past few weeks bout Megan. I felt like she was suicidal. And I felt like she was hospitalized. I think I even SAID so. To Mali? Or CC? Did I, Mali? Steph? Say she was hospitalized? Because I don't know why I said it. At all. I didn't know she was committed, until today when she finally called me back and said she had finally been released. But I felt it. Somehow, I knew she was in the hospital before she said anything. Because she is my Megan, I guess. If that makes sense. Anyway, she is home now, but still under close watch... with lots of doctor's appointments. That is good.


One thing that made me giggle (and cry, simultaneously) was when she was telling me about getting released "...and they told me, oh and you have this appointment today and that one tomorrow..."

"Hey, that's cool. Being in the hospital is like having a secretary!"

"Yeah, a secretary that steals your shoelaces."

"WHAT?!"

"They unthreaded my shoes... because they do that dangerous job of holding shoes to my feet!"

"Shoelaces? Dang, chica! You suicidal people are creative!"

"Heck yes we are!" she laughed.

I remember the first time she was in there. They wouldn't let her have magazines until they pulled the staples out. But that would take some serious talent to hang yourself with shoelaces, that's what I have to think anyway.

Anyway, we talked a long time. It was good. I have missed her terribly. She is my Megan... She is my best friend, my cousin... but she is also... the person I would die for... my spirit's twin... I don't know. She is my MEGAN. And I hurt very deeply when she does. I try to not let it worsen my OWN Depression and such, but it is hard. I just have to focus on the good stuff... that she is okay enough to be out... that she is getting help she needs... that her wonderful hubby St. Jakey is there for her. But... yeah. HARD.

But today was also an important day in our family for the BoyKid! Today we all went with him the the church to be with him as he was set apart as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and given a very beautiful blessing that he would be protected, that our family would be blessed, that he would learn Italian by the Gift of Tongues.

BoyKid cried a LOT. I think he is getting nervous. But he will do good. He really will. Tomorrow we take him to the Missionary Training Center and say goodbye for 2 years. I am going to miss him... a LOT. We all will. That kid is hilarious. Italy doesn't know how lucky it is.

After the setting apart, blessing, and firming up tomorrow's plan, Fresno called and cheered me up quite a bit. He was exhausted though. After work he was shampooing carpets all day at the new house (the one in Cali... he plans to get one in UTAH, too... but in August or so)! He closed on it just a few days ago and got the keys the same day he got a call from his brother that THEY were moving... to somewhere with no fence and yard. Why does that matter? Well, because it meant that a few days ago I got a phone call so excited I thought the boy had won the lottery.

"Remember how I have wanted a dog so much?! Especially after playing with [The Roomie]'s when I came last time?" Remember that?!"

"Yes..."

"And remember how I was so happy that the house had a good yard with a fence?!"

"Yes! Did you get a DOG?!"

"No! I got 2 dogs! My brother is giving me his 2 IRISH WOLFHOUNDS!!!! And they're free! And I love them and they are mine and they are big..."

"Umm... [Fresno], they are HUGE. Irish Wolfhounds are GIANT."

"I KNOW! Isn't that great?!"

Fresno is now the proud papa of 2 of the tallest dog breed in the world - a sister and brother named Demi and Darby. He gets to pick them up tomorrow and he is absolutely FLYING he is so hyper. IT IS SO CUTE. Irish Wolfhounds are far from my favorite breed... but I think I can love them. HE sure does. Over the moon, that boy. Adorable. Well, and he is such a Celticphile. Obsessed with ALL things Irish. I think he is slightly crazy... 2... TWO of those puppies?! Oh and they are NOT puppies. He says they'll be 4 years old May 6th. But yeah 2 monsters bred to hunt wolves (but these ones better not hunt anything other than squeaky toys or I would have a MAJOR problem) and he is talking about brushing them everyday, and buying them cute things (seriously. He can be SUCH a girl!) and teaching them the same tricks Trinket and Shasta know. SIGH.

But his excitement is contagious, and besides... well, I can not resist ANY furry face! He promised to take pictures for me. For now I am just looking at Irish Wolfhound websites all the time. Hee hee hee hee!

Yesterday, when we were swimming, my mom and I were talking about him. At the end of it she asked, "but, seriously, don't you think you will marry him? Eventually?" I admitted I did. EVENTUALLY. And my hesitation has nothing to do with what he is (ie: near PERFECT for me) and everything to do with me and what I fear about myself.

Anyway, also tonight Fresno was teasing me, like usual. We were talking about BoyKid going.

"So, did he ask you if you were going to be married while he was gone?"

"No, he did NOT ask that."

"My brother got married while I was on my mission. They didn't even tell me. Rude, huh?"

"Well, I think that is HORRIBLE! Not to even tell you? Your brother was a jerk."

"They said they sent an announcement. But they lied... or it got lost. I guess that's possible."

"Well, anyway. That is dumb. Not even to tell you."

"So do you think they should have waited for me?"

"Hmm... I don't know. Maybe. You don't really LIKE your brother, so probably not. But maybe if you liked your brother..."

"You really like your's, huh."

"Yeah."

"But I think I understood them not waiting. And wasn't mad or felt bad."

"Umm... yes you DID. You said they were rude!"

"Oh yeah. But... umm... maybe if my new in-law was COOL then I would not have wanted them to wait for me. As long as they TOLD me. Like maybe with a funny package."

"Hmmm... maybe. We'll see."

Then I changed the topic and we talked about Conference time when he is coming next and how we missed each other and other such patheticity. And more about the dogs and the houses and his disabled cousin that he takes care of suddenly getting to spend time with his dad who hasn't seen him in 12 years! It was good to talk. I miss him.

I seem to be MISSING a lot of people lately. But, as the Stake President said (well, to the same effect anyway), how great is it to have so many people in our lives that are worth being missed?

"Your art was the prettiest art of all the art"

I am having a hard day today for no real reason.

My depression's just kind of kicking my butt at present. I was just watching Scrubs and the goofy ex-brother-in-law of Cox Brendan Fraser played reminded me so much of Brady... the silliness, seriously, was SO like him. Actually, he reminded me enough of Brady, I felt like calling my Mom or Megs and saying "watch Scrubs. Brendan Fraser is Brady!!!" except that I just KNEW, CRAP, he is TOO much like him, I bet he dies. And then he did. And I CRIED. I cried watching SCRUBS. Scrubs?! How lame is THAT?! It is a comedy! A funny one! Hence calling it a comedy... yeah. I am an idiot. SIGH.

Scrubs made me cry. But no. I refuse that answer. Brady being dead made me cry. Depression made me cry. Scrubs just happened to have a semi-serious moment at an inopportune time for me. Yeah.

Actually, I think this whole crazy mall shooting thing in Salt Lake, well, when it was happening it just ticked me off because it made me miss 24. (Yes, I am THAT selfish some days). But with the whole Memorial Service stuff for it today, I think it just has me thinking about Brady and 9-11 too much and just... yeah... everything.

But ANYWAY, today I went to to the doctor, Dr. HasaPsychoWife. He's the one that mostly deals with my diabetes and my depression... well, he's the one that isn't the biggest idiot anyway. He switched me from Glipizide to Actos for my diabetes, and after doing one of those dumb, long, "I want to curl up and die a) never b) rarely c) sometimes d) frequently e) always" questionnaires ("I'm an 8... Moooooorphiiiine!") also switched me BACK to Celexa instead of Lexapro and gave me a referral to a psychologist which is good since I have been needing one and so we will see how that all goes.

Anyway, then I *did* go to water aerobics like I promised at least so, hey, one triumph at least. After that I came home mixed up this month's BML for my gliders, watched The Office... and Scrubs... and laughed at both, naturally. Especially Jim turning into a vampire. And that bat was way too cute. I want a bat.... but my gliders are close enough. And I should go feed them now.

It's just been one of those days.

OH p.s. I am seriously applying for a position to develop the youth program at TGP. I'd be writing curriculum, filling in for tech support, helping tour guides, teaching, and, yes, probably end up taking care of hurt bunnies and cows and stuff!!! And dinosaurs! Not hurt ones... I mean I would be near the museum and I love that place. AND I would be working under my sister. But still, it would be a good job for me, if I can get it, and at least I don't apply directly TO my sister... I go to HR... and they report to my sister because she is even higher up dammitall. Sometimes... nevermind... yeah, good for her. She did good. She actually has a career. She has a career and a degree and I have scars and pills. ANYWAY, I still want the job. And, one positive of having Rinny for a boss is she actually IS good about changing schedules around to fit things... not just for family, I mean for all of her employees. Yeah. So it would be good. So I am applying and I hope I get it... I think.

"You're such a girl." "You're the girl, Girl!" "Oh. WIGHT."

Okay, so the girls on the old Star Trek have VERY VERY pointy boobs. Like they could stab people with them! DANGEROUS. Watch out, Captain Kirk! Watching TV late at night is always special. Anyway, back to the real world. Today was Valentine's Day, and I wasn't really planning on it being a fun day because 1. I already HAD my cutesy fun over the weekend. 2. I am not doing so great Diabetically. I am being careful with my food choices (when I remember to eat) but the nerve block shot sends every blood sugar check through the roof and I feel like crap. UGH. And, well, Depression. Yeah. BLEH.

HOWEVER, it wasn't all bad, it was a good day! (Especially but after simultaneous pep talkage from CC (via IM) AND Fresno (via phone), well, I am feeling better.)

For one thing, when I went outside, I thought my sister had heart attacked me... with a cat.

That may seem odd, because, well, it was. Like, I opened the door to see my very heart decorated Jeep and a white cat sitting on the hood by a bag of candies and my first thought was literally "Why did Rinny put a cat on my car?"

Then I thought like a NORMAL person and realized the cat was after the candy and had nothing to do with my sister. Trinket, one of the Roomies dogs, was going BALLISTIC behind me but I thought it was funny and so I ran to get my camera to send a photo to her telling her "Happy Valentine's and thanks for the Cat" but it jumped off before I got back and I just snapped a shot of it my the tire. Oh well. It was still pretty random.

What does a cat want with conversation hearts and pencils anyway? And all the while our poor dog KNEW the intruder was there and was just having a little coronary there in the kitchen. Hee hee hee hee!

So that was fun. My little sister really IS cool. When she isn't pissing me off, anyway. ANYWAY, other than that I spent the majority of today making a list of things I wanted to get done (but didn't), helping the Roomie work with J a little bit on his numbers and letters (in sign), watching a raccoon attack people on Little House on the Prairie, and finally going over to the Padres to half watch a basketball game I didn't care about but mostly just to hang out with my little brother. He showed me his new guitar, we compared music downloads, he said random funny stuff that made me laugh and almost cry (like how he was when the padres were gone this week and he had the house to himself...

"Like, minus the prostitutes it was pretty much like Risky Business. I think I just wore my underwear the whole time. I got clothes on, maybe, once, because somebody came to the door.")

DUDE. I am going to miss BoyKid SO MUCH when he leaves for Italy I don't think I can stand it! I think I am driving his friends crazy because I keep following him places, because I miss him. Honestly, this is going to sound SO STUPID and really weird with relation to the difference between a boyfriend and a brother, but I think having Fresno here this weekend just reminded me how much I miss being with BOYS. ANY of them. Cousin Jas... Brady and Jade (my favorite boy cousins... Brady is dead. Jade is a dad and busy)... Elders in the Mission... BoyKid... Fresno. I have long been a tomboy and I have missed just having boys to play with. Now, OBVIOUSLY, there is another, whole, like KISSY element to the FRESNO thing, but really, Boys... I want to be with boys. And tonight that meant being with Spencer and his former roommates watching basketball and playing Risk. Worst thing is I wasn't even PLAYING (and I DOMINATE that game, seriously, ask the Fringe! Actually don't. Parker lies. He'll say the Sisters suck at Risk. But we won many times) I was being, like, an annoying little sister who won't go away. Except I was a BIG sister. Yeah.

Fresno needs to come back... for BoyKid's sake! Keep me entertained and out of his way! Nobody wants a tag-along older sister, right? I need boys to play with. SIGH.

Valentine's DID end up a little more valentinesy anyway. Fresno called just before midnight (sounded AWFUL, though... he is sick and has been since coming. I am telling you, I am a cursed presence!). He had been super busy and stressed all day with work. But he wanted to call me before *my* Valentine's Day was over. It was so cutesy, I called him a girl for it (and he called me one in reply. Fair enough.). We talked for awhile (while chatting with CC online ... but only near the end, chica, I promise!) which made me feel happy and giggly (even though we mostly talked about how sad and sick we both happened to be at the moment due to work or blood sugar or traffic or a sinus infection or a stupid customer service guy or whatever. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!) Sometimes it is is just really really nice to feel, well, loved.

Rinny's Thrillin' Cotillion with the Gilmorberrys

SO, Fresno is in here asleep on the couch and I thought I would take this nap time opportunity to write about things thus far because Naps are Insomnia No-Nos and besides it's quiet and I am bored.

But today has been very good so far. Fresno is so awesomely hilarious. But first I should probably cover yesterday. It was better than expected. For one thing, rather than an "up do" like the other girls, I just got a trim and style and it ended up that the girl doing my hair and her brother were looking into Sugar Gliders and had a zillion questions about them. Ah, my FAVORITE TOPIC! Hee hee hee! So that wasn't bad. And Rinny got her tiara (and matching necklace and earrings) and her fancy hair done around the tiara along with her friends, Melissa 1, Melissa 2, and Not Melissa.

Then we changed into dresses and met at the country club. There was toasting, dancing, and sitting on a piano (before someone came in and caught us) so I could take better photos. There were uptight looking family photos... it felt very Gilmore Girls, and I thought for THOSE at least we should not smile, but only Rinny and I seemed to get what I meant by "frown... you know, like the Gilmores" even though Mom is as obsessed as us. Hee hee! Anyway, it was a good "cotillion," after all. And I am sorry (mostly) for my attitude toward my little sister. Happy birthday to her.

Actually, I think I am going to split this up and write about TODAY today. If I get time today, anyway. When Fresno wakes up we are going out to dinner. We may be too busy DOING stuff to write about it, I might just have to recap it all Sunday night. For now, this will just be *Thursday* night. He's awake!

no second base, due to a few critical design flaws

It has been SO LONG since I have had a good day, a painless, silly, happy day, I think I have forgotten what they are like! It felt like being 12 years old on a Saturday. Weeee!!!

Jessi, a friend of mine and Mali's, just came home from her LDS mission (Yay!) and so Mali called me up to play! Well, Jessi ended up needing to bail, but Mali and I still got to chill like the old days... shopping, talking... okay, granted, we both bought memory foam mattress toppers, which is not exactly the type of things we used buy. Mostly back in the day it was Playmobil. Hee hee hee! (Though we DID get some fun stuff too... a stuffed dragon, the OLD Charlotte's Web (that is in honor of Fresno coming, though... he LOVES that movie!), some little horses to paint (those are for Megs. She is not doing so swell. I am worried. I miss her... a LOT.), some fun shirts, etc.) We also bought some AWESOME valentines that we can't actually GIVE to anyone because they involve teddy bear sex but that we had to buy ourselves because they made us laugh for, like, forever and a day.

There was one really REALLY terrible time at Target when I was looking for a new battery for my blood glucose meter. Guess who was at the same counter, asking about a CD? SoftTissueInjury Lady. I didn't know what to do. It was like I was half way going to scratch her eyes out, half way going to start crying like a baby... I just basically started having a panic attack just looking at her... she didn't see me. Mali and I just went over and stared intently at some phones till she left. I didn't know what I could or should do, I just knew I could barely breath I was so upset right then. I felt sick. I just... UGH. Anyway, I didn't say anything to her.

I blew off water aerobics... and my weight wellness class... but I walked around Target a lot? Hee hee hee! We watched a chick flick (Must Love Dogs... one of my DVDs), ate Chinese food, talked about boys, (Yes, all very cliche and I do not care it ROCKED.) went to Hot Topic... it was just FUN. And headacheless!

Now, I am not looking forward to TOMORROW all that much... my sister has decided that for her birthday she wants us to get, like, wedding hair. Like up-dos. And dress in formals. And have a "Cotillion type lunch at a Country Club." FINE for her FRIENDS who all HAVE, like 5 formals from high school to pick from so they can play princess. But I sure don't have one nor do I plan to buy one so Rinny can play dress up. So I say just let her and her friends do it. Apparently she BAWLS and throws a fit about how I don't want to do anything for her and how Mom doesn't have a real formal but SHE is pulling something together and still getting her hair done with them and blah blah blah blah blah blah. Sometimes my sister is cool and I really like her. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES. She is dealing (or rather REFUSING to deal with appropriatley) with depression and everything not going her way perfect is a sign that we are all against her and hate her. Happy Birthday, Princess Rincess. Baby sister, turning 26 and STILL and always gets her way. I am a sucky sister, but I feel like kicking her in the head.

But instead, I will be getting my stupid hair done with a bunch of other girls that I feel fat around, and eating at a stuck up country club while wearing a velvet blouse and long shiny skirt and a crystal necklace. But dang it all, I am going to order whatever they have Beer-battered.

As for FRIDAY... I AM NERVOUS! I get all re-nervous when I think about Fresno coming. But I have decided I AM taking him to Jessi's homecoming, even though that is scary to me because that ward is like family to me. YIKES!!! But... yeah... SIGH. Fresno. Friday. More later. GOODNIGHT.

P.S. Mali...

What could <----their Moms even SAY? Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! SO wrong.

I'm a "Yeah Baby!", MD.

[Sorry this has taken me so long to write. LOTS to write... tired... etc.]

I need to call my Bishop and tell him thank you for that blessing on Sunday. After the scariness of the day, and the way those blessings ended up working, well, I should probably drive to his house and HUG him. But that would be weird. Hee hee hee! And all of you who have been praying for me. Because, it was just a WOW day.

Have you ever seen this site? It is silly and addicting. And I spent WAY too much time there Sunday night and Monday morning because I didn't sleep. And that was just because of being scared of the SHOTS! And doctors and the place. I didn't have a clue what I was even getting into then. I didn't know how scary it *could* be. I just hate shots.

Wow. Okay. So, to start with I was supposed to fast from food and water before coming. (Fine with me, too nervous anyway... well, at the time... but then, of course Diabetes and fasting is always a little scary. Especially when my appointment wasn't till late afternoon (so I just slept through most waiting. hee hee) and THEN the office was super backed up.) So I was feeling pretty bleh plus nervous. And that was when Mom and I met Paris and DaddyDearest. She kept my mind off the shots at least with her toddler like antics, but if I HADN'T had a constant headache, I think I would have after spending 2 minutes in a waiting room with that one.

This chick was about 20, was BEAUTIFUL... like a model... but was acting like a spoiled 5 year old who had NEVER been told no... and had the date wrong for her appointment. And her YesDear of a dad... she started railing on the man... in one run on sentence. "How could you have made an appointment for tomorrow, Dad? Are you really that Stupid? I can't believe this, they will work me in... they WILL work me in because if they don't oh I just can't believe you are this much of a jack*** to get me an appointment tomorrow I am busy tomorrow that would so not work and I am hungry why didn't you bring any food this is so stupid do you ever even think..." ETCETERA... like seriously it went on for FOREVER. And Mr. Grow-A-Pair? He kept saying "Sorry, Sweetie." "Yes, Honey." "I don't know, Sweetheart."

Me and Mom were stifling laughter and kept looking at each other like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" We both wanted to slap her. When the nurse/receptionist said they COULD work her in I cursed, inwardly, and just REALLY hoped she didn't get to go before ME. I mean, I wanted the princess to LEAVE, but I was hungry and thirsty and didn't want to wait longer due to her tantrum.

"Was I supposed to be fasting? Because I forgot to anyway and I am really hungry I am like starving I want a hamburger Dad get me a hamburger I want one now I hate this you are such an idiot and why do I have to fill out these papers they are so boring I don't want to sign these things and Dad, seriously, why did you wear that suit it looks so stupid you look really really ugly can we get some food now?!"
PLEASE say she has to fast! Because that would be too fun. But she didn't. So apparently Paris got to get her hamburger... but NOT before she had to do a urine analysis and Mom and I had to get a little bit humbled.

She went into the Bathroom for her UA and DaddyDearest quietly asked the nurse, "Can I get the results of that UA? I mean, her mom and I are pretty sure she's using still, but, she says she's not. But I just am pretty sure she's still using Cocaine." Crap. She's got a problem... other than BEING one, I mean.

"Sir, I am sure she is, but unfortunately, she filled out the whole paper to give you permission and then didn't sign a name. Legally, because she is over 18, I can not show you a thing... even though you are paying for it."

"Can... can you tell me what to do? I just don't know what to do. I paid for this stuff up front, these treatments, and therapy..."

"She's not going to the therapy, is she."

"No, and it cost me ten-thousand dollars."

"Sir, that is ten-thousand dollars down the toilet if she doesn't want to change. Can I give you some advice?"

"PLEASE."

"Does she have a job? Who buys her fancy clothes? Pays her bills?"

"I do, but..."

"Well, STOP and kick her out on her butt. You pay for her drugs as well, and she knows it. Because, sir, I may be overstepping, but from this visual, She wears the pants."

Then Paris came out talking and whining and berating her father again and he shuffled away to buy her lunch before HER appointment when I finally got called back myself. Unfortunately, that's when stuff went from a so-horrible-it-was-funny spectator stand point to being the, well, so-scary-it-was-NOT-funny main event.

So they take me back, have me change into a gown and such, take vitals, all that stuff. The doctor came in, all friendly and just normal and said was I ready for the nerve block and I said I was nervous about needles, he said it was no problem and that I could even have sedation. Then, suddenly, he looked at my charts and his face changed and he got serious. He asked me to explain my problem again. Then he explained.

"Well, here is the thing. I looked at your Neurologist's orders and I thought it was a mistake, so I really need to make sure that we really want to do what we are asking."
Yeah. THAT inspires confidence.

"We do nerve blocks here..." he said, pointing lower on a the neck. "...all the time. No problem. But what your doc is asking is a whole different animal." It was too dangerous to put the needle directly where I needed it... he needed to put a needle behind my ear, then thread a tube up behind and under and into my skull where it is. And going up the "epidural way won't work... needs to go further." Then he told us that basically there were 3 places the tube *could* go. 1. hit an artery and because the steroid is "particles" it would have "catastrophic results"... as in cause a clot, and I would probably die. 2. My spinal chord as he said "also, catastrophe... from the neck down" (paralysis). 3. where it should go and therefore YAY no headache (unless it ends up being this certain bone which means surgery but he said we won't even talk about that yet.) for a while!

I started crying. It wasn't like a typical "okay, here are the risks, now let's do it" talk from a doctor. It didn't sound like he would. I t sounded so scary. To ALL of us. My mom asked "And if it worked... how long would it work for? 3 weeks?"

He laughed. "6-12 Months. If we were talking months I would not even TOUCH this area of risk. Honestly, I had to check the MRIs and things myself just to be sure. Because I just needed to know for sure that she wasn't making a mistake. But I agree with your Neurologist. It's what needs to be done. I just didn't realize that's what we were doing today." I said I would do it. I started really REALLY appreciating the Bishop's blessing mentioning the doctor's having "intuition and steady hands."

Then he said "The other problem," and he squeezed my hand, "is with this I can not have you under sedation. Because I need you to tell me if you feel weird things."

I got super scared again. He told me that FIRST he would put in an anesthetic that I would feel go in WITH the tube. If *it* hit an artery, I would feel things, like fingers go numb (rather than, you know, a stroke) and if it hit the spinal column I would go unconscious... asleep... for several hours. YIKES. (but not DIE or be paralyzed.) And But if he got it in the right place THEN he would send in the fluoroscopy and THEN the stuff that could kill/paralyze/help me. So NO sedative so that I could tell him if anything felt wrong.

Then I went into the room and Mom had to leave to the waiting room (and got to hear MORE from Paris the Junkie and Daddy NoStones.). I lay on a table and the nurse first of all put my hair in a hat thing and spread iodine all over the side of my face and head. She strapped me to the table, but said "this is just like a seat belt, and will hold you in place, but you could pull it apart if you wanted. You aren't trapped here." (Clearly they are used to paranoid claustrophobics. hee hee hee!)

The doctor said "okay, we are going to start you on an IV now." I tried not to panic, but I am the hardest stick in the WORLD. As in at the hospital they tried one arm, then the other, then back to the other arm, then the back of my hand or my wrist. I have scars and bruises and have been yelled at by frustrated nurses and I HATE NEEDLES SO VERY MUCH. But guess what? He got it... 1st try! And he didn't STICK my arm, he just looked at it, saw it wouldn't work, and went for my wrist, apologized that it would bruise, but got it right off and it DIDN'T HARDLY HURT going in! It was the best IV EVER! He does Acupuncture there, too, so that is why I think he was so good at it. But I felt so much less scared after that because I just had the thought come into my head "Bishop gave you a really good blessing and this is the best doctor EVER." I still continued to pray the whole time of course, though, because, well, I didn't want to die. But I felt so much more peace than before. Usually I am so panicky I can't breath. I have passed out getting an IV for an MRI and that is way less serious than this. But I was okay this time.

One scary moment was with the first stuff going in, it did one of the "weird things" (a cold sensation in my head) that I had to tell him about and he had to readjust and that was very scary, but then everything went super smooth, though I could FEEL it, this tube in my head, touching my brain. Not a HURT, more like a pinch. It was weird, and scary, but he went along slowly snaking it in there under x-ray and then suddenly the doctor YELLED, "OH! YEAH! That's a solid 'Yeah Baby' right there!"
The nurse looked a little startled but amused and said, "Did you hear that, [Kipluck]? You're a 'Yeah Baby'."
Then the doctor yelled again, VERY proud of himself "No, Yes! That is BEAUTIFUL! Yeah Baby! Nobody move, nobody breath, we have it PERFECT!"
I took him very literally and pretty much held my breath the rest of the time as he injected the killer/helper stuff into the tube and waited.

And then it was over. They let me get up (though dizzy still) and Dr. YeahBaby asked, "Okay, so first question, How is the Headache?"

"Gone!"

"Great! But that's just the Anesthetic."

"Oh."

"That'll last about a day. You should rest today. The steroid should start to work with in the next 5, though. You did really good. We'll give you some papers to keep track of things and get you back here to follow up in 2 weeks to check things. But let's go see your Mom."

SO, HOW COOL IS THAT?! So far, the headache is GONE. GONE you guys! Stupid Occipital Neuralgia... GONE... maybe for a long TIME!

The downside, of course, is that for awhile I am pretty dang sick. It hates diabetics, you know. In the 500s... fasting. Yeah. So right now I am on insulin every couple of hours. And so that means a LOT of needles. But it is temporary, that doesn't last the whole time. Just right now... sick.

I wish I could get the sick thing under control quicker... I have things to do. Rinny's Birthday is Thursday and she is trying to do manicures, pedicures, hair things, formal dresses, and a COTILLION style dinner at a Country Club... Fresno is coming Friday for Valentine's... my house is messy... BLEH!!!

But ? I'll tell you RIGHT NOW.

Jail Birds and Ghost Gerbils?

I am SUCH a nerd. I am up watching Birdman of Alcatraz. It is not much about Alcatraz or gangster stuff... it is basically about a guy studying birds. And I am freaking FASCINATED. Granted, this is sort of my thing, animals and such. But really... WOW. I am just such a nerd. I love learning. I even love movies about learning. Also, ironically, today I was talking with the Roomie about the fact she may be adopting a new parrot in need of a home in our "Ark." Cool! A really darling one, too. If you know the number of critters we have you might wonder why anyone would even entertain the thought of another... well, except me... but maybe McKenzie needs a friend? And she had a bird (granted, a little canary, not a parrot) DIE, so she will have the same number of birds anyway. Hee hee hee hee!

I am a very dangerous person to ask "I don't know... should I do it? Could I?" when it involves a pet. Especially when it means another animal I get to ENJOY, but the Roomie gets to Clean Up after. PERFECT arrangement! Hee hee! Well, and the bird really does need a good home, and Lark is a good bird owner. She will love her and care for her right.

Today I applied to be a photographer. Just at Wal*Mart... but still, well, it's a job possibility. I am really REALLY hanging a lot on this thing on Monday. The way I understand the procedure they inject glowing stuff into... well, I am not certain whether it's my nerve or the muscles around the nerve but it is to see the nerve location. THEN they can inject nerve blockers directly into the right spot under, like, X-ray or something. Okay, so I DON'T really understand it at all.

I know that it involves multiple needles and that scares the crap out of me.
I hope it will work a LoOoOoOong time. It can last a few weeks at least. That would be good. Longer would be better. Sometimes it doesn't work though. I am afraid THAT will happen.

HOWEVER, come hell, HEADACHE, or high-water, tomorrow I WILL go to church. It has been FAR too long, and I am setting 3 alarms PLUS having my mom call my cell till I answer and sound lucid. I need to be GOING to church. I need that spiritual boost each week. Also, I have a calling and need direction on how to do it. Also, I need to meet with the Bishop and tell him what is going on with my health and also talk to him about getting a new Temple recommend. Also, I NEED TO BE NORMAL! I need to be HAPPY! And part of that is DEFINITELY being closer to the Lord.

Other things that make me happy are:

*My little brother. He is so funny. And he is already REALLY good on the guitar. How is it that he can be good at EVERYTHING?! Anyway, yeah... picks up the thing last month or so, and now he can play a lot. He has far too many prodigious inclinations. It's spooky, dang it! Anyway, BoyKid got his Patriarchal Blessing today. And his mission is coming soon. He has his farewell talk at church on February 25th. Crazy. I am just dang proud of him.

*The gliders. I love their soft, perfect fur and cute faces. I love when they do something silly like decide a dead grasshopper is a toy instead of a snack and carry it around with them for an hour before one of the others steals it and eats it. I love that happy chirp sound they make when they are eating something DISGUSTING like a bug right by my ear. It just makes me laugh, I swear they do it in my ear on purpose, the brats. I love them. Hee hee hee!

*Fresno... but I HATE his PHONE!!!!!!! Tonight it dropped me FIVE TIMES!!!! And 3 of those times were with in the same 5 minutes. The other 2 were other random times. GRRRRR... But it is still fun to talk to him between the dropped calls and talk about how excited he is to come play next weekend! (Even though I get nervous all over again) He just keeps talking about how much he misses me and how much he likes me and right now it is hard not to ask him "But WHY?"

Anyway, now I need to go to bed for SURE because I am SEEING things. I thought I saw the gerbil, Boo, run across the floor! I jumped up and checked in her cage. Nope, Boo is safe and sound. My next thought was MOUSE, but (LUCKILY) no. Apparently, just... ghosts or something. Little ones.

"Do you ever have Deja Vu?" "I Don't know. I could Check with the Kitchen?"

Happy Groundhog Day!!! I should watch that movie right NOW. I own it mostly so I CAN watch it every Groundhog Day. Actually, I love it ANY time. Hee hee hee hee! "I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster and drank pina coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get that day over and over and over... " Coats sent me a Groundhog Day card. Because she likes stupid holidays as much as me. Hee hee hee! I am a holiday junkie. But I actually do not know if Phil SAW his shadow today. I should find that out, huh? Google it or something... Oh, here we go:

Early Spring... In RHYME, no less! HA!

Today has been, well, a better than YESTERDAY day. I didn't have to talk to anybody about STILady and her imaginary car wrecks. I went to Physical Therapy, which, as usual, HURT.... but was better after. Then I went to the pharmacy and found out which of my meds were no longer covered by my new insurance. That wasn't so fun. So I bought frozen cookie dough. Then I went home and talked for awhile with the Roomie and played with the puppies and watched Perry Mason.

I was planning to go work out at the other pool with my mom, but she was late and then she called me and told me WHY was that my sister Rinny was having a little Pre-Valentinesy Emotional Breakdown. She and BoyKid had a double date planned to go to a Divine Comedy show. (ALWAYS HILARIOUS!!!) BoyKid with KidKiddo and Rinny with any of her random boys.

The problem, being it is Rinny, was THAT would be the extent of the planning and so today, the day OF the show she called, about 2 hours before it started, these random boys she liked. They had, not surprisingly, PLANS. Some of them were actually ON dates when she called.

However, instead of the logical conclusion of "Crap, I SO should have planned farther ahead and asked someone earlier" she came to the conclusion that every boy now hates her, she is hideous, and will be a spinster the rest of her life... because, well, it is February and she is single and her birthday is soon and that is the kind of thing you start to think when it is February and you are single and your birthday is coming soon. I know, I have had those. MANY MANY times. Rinny is just having a hard one right now. (Plus, (and I am trying not to be offended by this because, hello, I AGREE I am not girlfriend material!) she is really really mad that Fresno likes me. Like she was crying and mad that "even [Kipluck] has a boyfriend!!!" but also, specifically, she thinks Fresno is really cute and nice (which he IS) and "a little more of my type of boy than hers anyway!"

Okay, I know this is a little tangent, but can I just say, I have enough of a neurotic insecurity about that without a little actual TRUTH entering into it?! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?! (Now I just have to keep repeating to myself "Fresno likes ME not my cuter, skinnier sister. Fresno likes ME not my cuter, skinnier sister." GRAND. GRRRRR...)

Anyway, after bawling her head off for forever, *I* went instead of her date. Poor Rinny. It was a funny show, though. And me and Rinny actually talked and I finally saw her new place. And NEW is... well, like MONTHS. I have never seen my sister's apartment. We talked about boys and relationships and... well, marijuana... and our parents and life in general. Her new place is cute. Very, well, HER. Her bedroom is PINK. Princess stuff. Yeah. But cute... a lot cleaner than mine, obviously. And not, well, ME. But cute. However, she said it costs her too much at $450 so she wants out. So I don't know how long she'll be there. But anyway, it WAS fun. Too bad she had to be sad for it to happen, but still. Anyway, that was my day. (And by the way, I totally AM watching Groundhog Day as I write.

Your Life Is Worth...

$542,000

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

Huh. I'm a steal of a deal.

And, onto the Survey that Stewie tagged me with...

A - available or taken: Taken? WEIRD!
B - best friend: I *heart* my friends, so it is hard to say BEST. The incomparable CC, my cousin/bestest friend Megs, Mali the Nasty Butler, Out of My League Cute Fresno, The Fringe (Coats, Parker & Lil' Benny Jeppson) and My Mommy.
C - cake or pie: Depends on the occasion. PROBABLY cake (chocolate)... or the union of the two, Cheesecake.
D - drink of choice: I really like chocolate milk and hot chocolate, especially fancy flavored ones. Soda-wise I would have to go with either Black Cherry Fresca or homemade root beer.
E - essential item you use everyday: Good call, Stewie. But mine is SoftLips!
F - favorite color: Purple
G - gummy bears or worms: I like 'em BOTH. But I guess bears because you can actually PICK the flavor.
H - hometown: I usually claim Orem, Utah... Lai'e, Hawai'i... and Cleveland, Texas
I - indulgence: All things CHOCOLATE.
J - January or February: Well, THIS January has rather sucked, So I am holding out for a happier, warmer February!
K - kid's names: Presently? The fuzzy ones? Epiphany Jo, Lilo, Heber... in the future, non-fuzzy ones, I like Amythyst for a girl and Kimball for a boy.
L - life incomplete without: Friends, Animals, Family, Books, and the Gospel!
M - marriage date: Ummm someday?
N - number of siblings: 2, one brother one sister
O - oranges or apples: Probably apples, unless we're talking juice. then it's orange. <--The opposite. Oranges. Unless it's Juice. P - phobias or fears: shots, doctors, public speaking... sometimes elevators... ugh.
Q - favorite quote: today it is "I don't care what Jim says, I am 99% sure that is NOT the real Ben Franklin." - Dwight (The Office)
R - reason to smile: my suggies.
S - season: spring! Means winter's over.
T - tag 3 people: I am now tagging on the honor system. The next 3 people to read this who have not already done it, YOU'RE IT!
U - unknown fact about me: I used to worry my mom because when I was 7 or 8 I was obsessed with the occult... like voodoo, seances, etc.
V - veggie I don't like: Spicey ones. Peppers, most onions and stuff.
W - worst habit: Not being organized enough. Not cleaning enough. More of a habit of OMISSION than COMMISSION, you know? I don't DO much, though, like bite nails or anything. It's just the not doing.
X - rays: Are you kidding? Between my clumsiness and medical mysteries I have literally been X-Rayed from head to toe. Though my next is on my head... on Monday.
Y - your favorite food: Italian, Chinese, or Seafood.
Z - zodiac: Aries. That's a Goat, right? Also in Chinese Zodiac, my YEAR is the goat/ram, too... trippy, eh?

In 1979 (the year you were born)

Jimmy Carter is president of the US A major accident occurs at a nuclear reactor on Three Mile Island near Middletown, PA An American Airlines DC-10 loses its engine and crashes seconds after takeoff, killing 275 people Hurricane David kills over 1200 in the US and the Dominican Republic Some 90 people, including 63 Americans, are taken hostage at the American Embassy in Tehran, Iran The Soviet Union invades Afghanistan ESPN starts broadcasting Aaliyah, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Norah Jones, Heath Ledger, and Kate Hudson are born Pittsburgh Pirates win the World Series Pittsburgh Steelers win Superbowl XIII Montreal Canadians win the Stanley Cup Kramer vs. Kramer is the top grossing film Sophie's Choice by William Styron is published "My Sharona" by The Knack spends the most time at the top of the US charts The Facts of Life premiers

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

AAAAAAAAND another blog thing...

Everything Pizza

Diverse and adaptable You enjoy the full buffet of life It's hard to you play favorites with friends... or flavors There's very little that you dislike!

What's Your Pizza Personality?