MyNigerian gets arrested and I get a new lizard

WHAT THE HECK is up with me and people associated with me?!  I am still suffering through headaches always and trying to not hate the holidays because of it.  I feel like Christmas and the rest of life is just passing me by at rapid speeds.  But that's not all...

Ola got ARRESTED because he couldn't find the right papers and may be deported from Spain!  Like it's not hard enough to get to see him THERE.  If he goes to Nigeria we are just screwed.

Coats had a baby.  Which is pretty scary to think about by itself, but also there is still part of me thinking I AM THE LAST UNMARRIED FRINGE and who knows if I'll ever have kids.

I had a bad week this last week.  My lizard, Legolas, as well as 2 of my hermit crabs, Tolei and Jaque died unexpectedly.  And yes, I cried.

Today Mom gave me an early Christmas present, a new ALTGL like Legolas, who I have named Tinsel for the holidays.  He is just 11 inches long, nothing like my 13 inch Legolas, but he seems tamer and pretty healthy.  So I am happy to have him, though I still miss Legolas a lot.

Kipluck: International Heart Breaker!

Okay, this isn't as funny as Nitty Gritty, but still. This Moses Person wrote to me and sounded actually cognitive and moderately nice, though I wasn't much interested. But he wanted my PHONE number. So I wrote back a polite, thanks for the note, maybe you could tell me more about yourself because I don't really give out my phone number, but maybe if we wrote awhile, I'd see. (Note, the first letter SOUNDED like someone FROM THIS COUNTRY. I don't know where he pasted it from)

THIS is what I got back...

To: kipluck
From: moses
Subject: hi
------------------------------------------

Thanks for your mail......i really appreciate what you said in your email...AM the only child of my parent, am single with no kids, i use to work with my dad he own an oil firm but due to our difference i had to stop working with him...I believe that partners are 100% equal in a relationship and both should be able to feel they can trust each other 100% at all times. I feel that any man who ever disrespects a woman is not a man at all.... My comon day schedule create time for fun, i like to get involve with any event outdoor for fun..... Well people that i have met will tell you am honest,concern, caring, respect other people opinion, sharing and not selfish.. I am affectionate also and I have no trouble showing it for the right man in public or private. ..my dream man will be someone who does not loves to argue, respect my opinion.....i want a man that is honest, concern, caring, sharing, loving and loyal. A man with a shoulder i can lean on right now due to what am going through at the moment.A man that his outgoing and funny but not like a clown all the time. A man that is kind not critical, not anal but easy going, spontaneous, affectionate and generous with his feelings, and time. He should like to go out and keep active. I don't like sitting at home on the couch too much. He needs to be an open, honest and patient person but not a pushover. I love walks on the beach,cuddling up and watching television, especially sports.Am a very transparent person in character,am caring, sharing, loving, and most of all trustworthy.....i want a man with enough experience in life to see both of us through....am not ready for mind games and i don't want my match too be the same.....am supportive and also i want my man too be supportive.
I am looking for something permanent and I know it takes time and a lot of good effort to form a good relationship. I want my man to be my best friend at all times, my sweetheart, love of my life, my partner and my soul mate all wrapped up into one man. I would be all of that for him and more,I would love him with all of my heart and have nothing but good feelings for him. He should be a very caring person, with a lot of good feelings, be honest, reliable,pleasant and personality.
I have been cheated in the past and it really hurt me so much.......because i trusted my ex with everything that i am but he turn out to be a liar, a cheat and a betrayer.....I know what it mean to be hurt and i will not want a fellow human been to go through the samr....Please honest with me.....
Tell me about your family background ? If you have a chance to change the world what will you do? Are you trustworthy ? Do you believe in Honest is the best policy? because my om thought me that honesty is the best policy......what do you like to do for fun? what are your dream, what are you ambition? can i confide in you ? will you confide in me?
I look forward to read from you
With all that i am and Loyalty
moses.

Excuse me, WHAT THE?! I wrote back that there was apparently a mistake made and that he was either 1. gay and just sharing his dreams and aspirations with me 2. a woman and thought I was a man, therefore never ACTUALLY read my profile and therefore was a scammer or 3. was not familiar enough with English to understand that there was a difference in Male and Female and also probably was a scammer. I said, sorry, but none of those 3 were going to work for me, relationship-wise.

I also have VERY good news. I have been getting shots directly in my muscle because they now think it is a nerve/muscle thing and IT IS HELPING! I am even SLEEPING IN MY OWN BED!

Yep, I am at my house as we speak! (the book and my meds are still at the padres and I am still being checked on but STILL! BETTER! YAY!!!)

Which also means Mom and I are going with Padre and Rinny to Vegas for Christmas. Both a good and bad thing. Because, well, I AM still hurting, and I am a little nervous about things... one of which is I really hate leaving my suggies kenneled at the vet's starting tomorrow because we leave very early (ugh) Saturday morning.

AND in preparation for Christmas I am going to SEE if I can get someone to chauffeur me around tomorrow but chances are they will be too busy so CC, Cupcake, Stewie, Thai, Prism, Darci, Heatherbella, Bobbie, "neighbor Pam," Coats, Megs, Miss Meliss, and Pepper, know I at least have a card or something for you that WILL be late. Because, yeah, I won't even be in town. hee hee!

I love you all very VERY much.

And now I should dose what I am allowed and turn off awhile. Peace Out.

And now I am going to bed.

My back MRI showed there were things wrong with me... a disk was off, I have a benign tumor and such, and some other weird stuff... but nothing that should make me have imaginary appendicitis. But the pain management clinic agreed to TRY and do an injection in my back and see if it helps. That's the day after Christmas. I do NOT think it is going to work. Neither do THEY, actually. But I am seriously willing to try anything.

Today was the Pain people. Yesterday I started with Dr. Apparently. Yup, I am in therapy. I think it's a good thing. But it is really really hard. And tomorrow I get a new Gastro, to see if THEY can find anything (because I am NOT going back to Dr. ScrewIt). Doctors every freaking day. Just like my pain. And pills.

Every day is so much the same. Hurting, being in a daze, tests that reveal nothing.

And it's almost Christmas. Sure doesn't FEEL like Christmas, that's for sure. The snow helps, but I feel like I'm in a fog and I don't care about anything right now. It is snowing right NOW, even. I have gotten a few cards... I appreciate them. I just don't think I will send any back. I am sorry to my friends. I am a scrooge this year. Christmas just feels like another day between doctor's appointments. I HOPE I feel okay enough to go with the fam to Vegas for Christmas. But I don't know.

So today was different! Yay for different! I was sitting here writing this after the doctor when Coats called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch! OF COURSE I DID! She would have to drive as I am now always in danger of getting a DUI, and I could not be long, but just doing SOMETHING was good. We went to Kneaders and had sandwiches and talked. It was so fun to see her. I have missed her. I have missed... ANYONE.

As my mom asked "Was it good to see somebody besides your mom or a doctor?" Yeah, it was. I am not doing so grand. But I am trying.

Mr. Cousin Jas?!

A few things. First of all, I am going a little (MORE than a little) stir crazy living with the padres. I forget how much life HERE revolves around sports and parties. It is like pets at my house. Everyday we have cousins over because of "the game." "The Game" may be basketball OR football. It usually means Auntie O's fam comes over (sometimes including Brett and Annie who DO rock... they lived with us before) and Auntie O asks how I am and annoys me and so I hide from them.

Apparently THIS time "The Game" also means we will be going to Vegas the weekend before Christmas. We will be having Christmas with the Idaho J's, Padre's FAVORITE big brother, the one who now live there in Nevada, NOT Idaho (and, incidentally the only family on "our side" of the schism about Uncle Rude). AND we will be going to the Las Vegas Bowl which Padre has been finagling to get tickets for and, well, did. (Thai, I bet you guys will be watching that one... albeit, wearing opposite colors! Ha!)

now, when I say "we," there is a strong possibility *I* will be merely THERE. Alternately in a hotel or at Idaho J's house on pain pills and crying. I really really want to hope that by then I won't be... and there is SOME hope. We have a different plan.

After finding NOTHING WRONG WITH ME except pain...
"your white count is up... but not a LOT... which can be caused by severe pain and stress."
"your Sed rate is elevated... it seems there is pain and inflammation in the body... basically caused by pain..."

The basic idea is that I hurt so much because... I AM IN PAIN.

Therefore, with nothing left to go on, that is what we are going to treat. I have been referred to a Pain Management person who thinks it is POSSIBLE it may be muscular/nerve stuff, originating in my back. I meet with him Thursday to evaluate, schedule MRIs and we may just figure out where to do trigger point injections... kinda like my head.

It is a band-aid for a cut that I don't know where it is from. It is not a solution. But it is SOMETHING. And if it will work, even a little, I will take it. If it will get me off constant pain meds and out of bed wishing I would die in the night, I will do it.

It is just SOMETHING while we keep looking for a doctor that can help, but Dr. Hasacrazywife came back and even though my insurance won't take him, we went back to him. Because he KNOWS me. He knows I am not whining for nothing. And he is willing to actually go through the now PILES of tests and keep looking. And he thinks this is out next, intermediate, step. So I will take it.

Because my other option might be hospitalization for other things because I can't stop hurting. And I can't handle that.

This is a bad time for me right now. Yeah.

But not EVERYTHING is bad, COATS called me! We talked and laughed our heads off about our rather pathetic lives. I miss her. Living with Coats, both on the mission and as roomies at SUU, was HILARIOUS. And horrible. And Hilarious. She updated me on the family news/scandals. Her poor little cousin who is preggy, but really awesomely giving the baby for adoption. Her older sister and hubby (we don't like either of them much) are having ANOTHER baby. But the biggest news that made me simultaneously want to scream, cry, cheer, and hug him? COUSIN JAS IS MARRIED.

At first I felt a little sick, I admit.

But he was married in the temple. That made me a little less sick, but gave me a headache and made me worry.

BUT he got his life in order, stopped drinking and smoking, started going regularly to church, and went to the temple a couple months BEFORE HE EVEN MET HER! THAT made me want to spin him around and hug him. Oh Jas, I am so proud of you I could cry... so jealous of her, I just MIGHT... but still. GO YOU.

BoyKid is HILARIOUS. His letters... I should share snippets. Things like "Missionary life is kinda like being in 24. People come in your life, you get very close to them...and then they blow up. Or more accurately they go home or get transferred." He kills me. And, we found out today, now he is a TRAINER. He will be so good. That new little elder will be lucky. my baby bro ROCKS.

Also, I am sort of writing a guy on Mingle. It is a little awkward because I just look at stuff there and think "Fresno" but he seems nice. Not that it will go anywhere... he is an army guy... he is in Kentucky. But, it is nice to have a distraction. He is a geek. He likes to drawing, WoW, and Dungeons and Dragons. He is MIGHTY cute.

On the Ball... with a Martian Moose watching your every move

This weekend has been, at least, more social than usual. YAY! It is good to have friends and actually SEE them on occasion.

Thursday, Coats drove up because a lady in the grocery store that she did not know set her up with her nephew for a date in Provo. So before her date she came to my house to talk and hang out. That was fun because we just have not talked in some time. She then was going to stand the boy up because she was in an exceptionally pissy mood. Like I don't even KNOW the boy and I felt bad for him. I THINK I convinced her to at least not dog the poor guy, but I don't know. I haven't heard the post-date report, but she was already mad that they were meeting at Red Robin as she doesn't like hamburgers. Hee hee! She is so weird. But FUNNY.

Friday was the official "Damn Good Taco Night" at CC and Cupcake's house, "The Lodge." It was fun (well, most of it)! On the ride up there me and Stewie talked, mostly about Fresno and my relationshipaphobia, (and her kiddlet making a "robot" dog out of a radio) etc. Because that woman is WISE! Then we picked up Stef and continued to "The Lodge" which is basically a townhouse that has a rock path through beige carpet (sand?) and a lower level of greenish blueish carpet (a pond?) with a VERY SCARY moose painted on the wall with big alien eyes! CREEEEPY! (and the bathroom wallpaper is also HILARIOUSLY pornerific! hee hee!) However, hey, CC and Cupcake live there so it is cool by association. Hee hee hee!

A lot of people were there that I did not know, and to be honest, I felt very intimidated. Sometimes I make myself mad. I know, in my heart, I am an outgoing person. I am gabby and loud with my friends. But with strangers I sometimes want to shrink into the background until I disappear. The people weren't really all STRANGER-strangers... a few looked familiar and we got to see CD, of Cupcake's Blog (VERY cute, chica! Way to go!). And other people had met each other, it's just been awhile since I have been able to get out, so I felt a little lost.

When I finally WAS talking I was telling about Parker calling me to get the Birds and the Bees talk, but with the sex = basketball analogy the boys there just took that and ran with it, and basically turned all sports dirty, which was funny, but also made a few people uncomfortable and left. I didn't mean to do that.

Anyway, I was ready to go home when Stef and Stewbert were. It was a good party. I just had a bit too much on my mind to have a lot of fun. I was missing BoyKid... and Fresno... and thinking a lot about Megs... and wondering if I am ever going to get a job so that I can feel self-sufficient EVER in my life, etc. I really liked the brownies and ate 3 of them which was not wise, but I sort of didn't care because they were yummy and I was not feeling that stellar inside my own head.

Saturday, too, was a bit of a party! I went up to Salt Lake to hang out with Megs and St. Jake since she is home from the hospital and I still hadn't given her her Christmas present (which, btw, I actually have one for CC, but forgot it. hee hee hee. And yes, it is MARCH.). Her and St. Jakey collect those official Disney pins (they are both OBSESSED with all things Disney) and I had bought a Stitch surfing one in Hawai'i for her when I was there! She also had a Christmas present for me... a really cute journaly notebook with Wonder Woman decoupaged on it! SWEET! Anyway, St. Jakey made us breakfast for dinner... eggs, bacon, orange juice, the whole shebang! Then we 3 just hung out watching random interior design shows on HGtv. It was fun. I haven't spent near enough time with Megs and St. Jake. I so love them. SIGH!

Which brings us to today. I went to church, my own, slightly dysfunctional, ward even. Just Sacrament though, I could not mentally/emotionally handle more today to tell you the truth. I am glad I went, but only because I SHOULD go. Right now I just need to take what I can get from this ward, even if all it is is obedience because I don't really LIKE it here. I DO very much like the new-ish Bishop. Mostly because I know he is a man of God and REALLY appreciate the blessing he gave me prior to the scary nerve block thing with Dr. YeahBaby. So I go because I should and keep hoping my feelings about the other people in my ward change, especially now that The Roomie is 31 and has taken that fact as the chance to run from our ward, even if it is to an "older singles" ward. So I sit alone. But... yeah. Right now I am just patting myself on the back for showing up at all.

The Bishopric's wives sat right behind me today and were quizzing me on how I was doing during the opening song. It was kind of annoying, but hey, at least they missed me. Sigh. Anyway, church was good. The Relief Society president spoke about "raising the bar" not just for missionaries, but ourselves as members of the church. And she kept saying that chef's thing "Bam! Kick it up a notch!" which was funny in church. But yeah, it was good, just... frustrating.

However, during the sacrament I was thinking about Fresno (yes, bad me. I know we are supposed to be thinking about Jesus, but I was mostly thinking of the boy *blush*) and RIGHT THEN he called my phone! I HADN'T turned it off, but I HAD at least put it on vibrate. But I quickly turned it off right then. Still I thought it was pretty eerie for him to call WHILE I was just thinking of him.

Granted, later I decided it really WASN'T that spooky considering I tend to be thinking about Fresno the MAJORITY of my time and so it is only statistics that he would call during that great expanse of time. But STILL.

Anyway, that was today... and Saturday... and Friday... and Thursday.

I am going to post this and maybe go home. (Right now I am at the Padres' because they got a letter from Anziano BoyKid and I wanted to read it! Plus, I was driving home from church and saw some people making a MOVIE! So I was really curious and drove around the neighborhood they were in trying to figure out what they were doing. Yes, following their crew like a dork. Anyway, some how in my paparazziness I ended up by the Padres' house and wanted to read BoyKid's first letter home. TA DA!) TTYL, Journal Friends!

(btw, sometimes I forget that people read this. In fact, the other night Stewie mentioned someone reading my blog besides her, CC, Cupcake, Bobbie, Granola, Mali, etc. (she didn't mention those people, I am just saying she said somebody else) and it really surprised me. I guess I forget some people read with out responding. It is fine either way, I just didn't THINK about other people reading it besides my direct friends. I guess mostly because I think WHY? If I had an especially interesting life, I would understand. It is just funny that anyone but people who are my friends (and thus required to think I am funny) who give 2 pins about my life. Odd. Anyway, friends and strangers alike, have a good night.)

Adrift in the Empty Sea

Even though I love my little brother and think he is hilarious, I didn't know it would be so hard. It SHOULDN'T have been. They tell you to say goodbye fast. We didn't. That was dumb dumb DUMB. We were the LAST FAMILY out of the room and we were all crying really hard. I was holding it together till BoyKid started crying. Because he didn't look sad and excited. He looked MISERABLE. He was bawling. And I couldn't stop after that. I had a fight with Padre at lunch before the MTC, and cried at THAT too. The Megan thing... and my own medication struggles has me on hair trigger anyway... and then Padre... and then BoyKid...

it was a bad day to be leaving him. Way too emotional. And he really did look AWFUL. (AFTER the pics. DURING pictures, he was, well, HIM. The crying came a half hour or so later.) I want to go bring him home right now. Actually, that's not quite true.

I feel more like putting on my old name tag and sneaking in with him. (That's Fresno's fault. I have been thinking of infiltrating the MTC ever since he confessed that 2 of his little best friends stole tags from older brothers and snuck in to hang out for a day with him when HE was in the MTC. BAD!)

Before the MTC we went to Padre's country club for lunch and the little boy apparently made a last ditch effort to be dumb before they try to smarten him up. He is SUCH a BOY.


Then we went to Provo to the legendary Missionary Training Center and we were directed as to where to drag his bags.


Then we went back to the front and IN appropriate doors.

(Rinny's says Friends and Family of Missionaries.)


(BoyKid's says New Missionaries... and he looks like he is impersonating a rodent of some sort.)

Then we went in, and he got his name tag (complete with Dork Dot, of course!) and the lady told him to have his mom put it on.


And then camera time was over. We went into the assembly room. There were prayers, video clips, and before it was even really time to go we were blubbering, including BoyKid which just ripped my heart out!

I know he will adjust... and LOVE it. And what's more important, he will do God's work. But right this minute, I just... want to talk to him. I want to tell him stuff and have him confide in me and hang out and just to BE here. I miss him so much right now I don't think him being HOME would be enough. I would want BoyKid to move in and sleep on the couch.

Other than that today, I went to a job interview (with a staffing service to do customer service (Meh.)... not TGP like I want, but I need SOMETHING.), swam, cried more... Oh! But Coats called and she is coming up this way and so we are going to hang out tomorrow! So that should be good. But in general, yeah... I miss my baby brother. *sniffle*

Samson went back to bed... ate a slice of Wonder Bread, and went right back to bed...

I should be asleep. But legs have been all dance-y and now my fingers feel the same and so here I am again. Almost 6:30 am and I am in BED, but have yet to so much as doze.

We have a thermometer outside and guess what it says? ONE. That's right, 1 degree Fahrenheit. My Padre/Landie said to run the water a drizzle on any faucets that directly meet an outside wall if it goes zero to keep from busting pipes. He is dealing with them all over with his apartments. Such is the life of a Landlord, but he hates this time of year. But at least Lark and I are actually exceptionally good renters and do as much as we can to care for our house ourselves. Because we like to be independent girlies! WE CAN DO IT!

In too few hours I am going to drive out to the country to go to Coats' birthday party! I love Coats. She is crazy (no. Really.) but NEVER boring. She started our weekly Relief Society Presidency poker games back in Cedar City. She still will only call me Bob. She got bored one day and joined the Army but called it the circus. She got all the way through boot camp and everything before getting discharged. So making a rather random trek down to roller skate seems fitting. I just was hoping I would have SLEPT before doing so. For her present, I got her some Cornbread mix in a John Deere tin (she is obsessed with all things John Deere for the kitchen, especially) and some Jalepino jelly that only she would probably like.

You know what is really annoying about not sleeping, besides the not sleeping? You get hungry at STUPID times. Like now. I could totally get up and eat. But then, if I let my stomach wake up the rest of me would too and then I would HAVE to stay awake and be all alert during time when I could get at least SOME rest before driving on possibly slippery ice roads. However, it may not matter anyway. For one, because I do not really think I am falling asleep "tonight" anyway, before the party so screw it. And for two, even though I am sure that skating sleepy is not wise either I think my Mom is going to drive me purely because she is going south and is paranoid about me driving while taking the pills I take even when I HAVE slept normal and so she has been asking to drive me anyway. While I don't really WANT to have to depend on someone else for a ride, nor put her out (because really, what is there for her to do nearby in FILLMORE while I skate?!), meh... whatever. If it makes her not stress, I guess it's her deal.

MAYBE I can even stay awake ALL DAY! THAT would be good... very good! If I can do that, maybe I can use it to turn my stupid stupid schedule back to that of a NON-Nocturnal creature. Granted, for the past few weeks, I have only been getting about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day... usually between the stupid hours of 6 am and 4 pm. Because THAT makes perfect sense. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I need to get things turned around from the OTHER direction. Just get up earlier and earlier regardless and my dumb brain will just have to learn to fall asleep like a normal person. I TAKE meds, they just don't work yet. They just make me groggy and sick. BLEH.

I am so tired of pills. Pills for sleep. Pills for Depression. Pills for Anxiety. Pills for Diabetes. Pills for Cholesterol. Pills for muscle spasm. Pills for pain. Pills for stomach stuff. Pills for infection. Pills for Ulcer. GRRRRRRRRR.... I am trying to work on systematically getting rid of the REASONS for said pills, and then getting rid OF the pills until I feel human again instead of like a walking, people-shaped pill bottle! But for now... SIGH.

Yeah, here again and it is 7:30. I think it is safe to say that I won't be sleeping before the party. BUT if I can hold out MAYBE I can make it until an early night time, feed the sugar babies early and go to sleep early, and wake up early... and feel better! And have all kinds of things better! And make it to church! And be all righteous! And get blessings! And be Happy, happily ever after!

Or, you know, at least make some steps toward fixing the insomnia. Because really, it screws with your immune system, your emotional health, and your social calender (unless all your friends are bats... or in an opposite time zone... and I would like my friends to be in my real physical proximity for a change. Though, I am open to batty ones, too.)

I give up. I am going to take a shower and "eat" a SlimFast. Good Morning. SIGH.

Ignore the date, this was Thursday...

[Stupid Qwest. I tried for forever to post this last night. I may switch providers soon... before I end up throwing the computer out a window.]

I don't know where to start. Yesterday was fun, well, part of it. Coats came up! I haven't seen that chick in FOREVER. In fact, while we have chatted on the phone and emailed since, I don't think we have SEEN each other since before she joined the Army! We went to Macaroni Grill (had a fantastic Shrimp Portafino) and talked about everything! She broke up with Bill, by the way... not all that surprising... but I was entertained to hear she now is writing a net boy named Larry who she calls her "Imaginary Friend" and he is CALLING her for the first time, well, tonight. So we ate, talked, went shopping... very girly, but fun because it was, well, US!

The Fringe Will Rear Again!!!!

However, though mental illness is something we DEFINITELY have in common, we did NOT talk about my more so lately Depression. I didn't actually tell her about it... because I think I kind of, umm, scared some people. And they didn't really know it all. Because I haven't TOLD anyone everything, not even here. Not out of fear of scaring them... just because, I don't know. Sometimes saying/typing stuff makes it... real. But that leads me to my next thing (besides Coats)...

Tomorrow, I am probably going to the doctor to get a referral to a new psychiatrist... and a psychologist... especially since the psychiatrist has a FOUR MONTH waiting list. I loooove my insurance I got from MyFamily... for everything except MENTAL wellness because they SUCK with that and only allow, like ONE psychiatrist and 3 psychologists. And I can't afford to go with out the insurance. Therefore, yeah. 4 Months. And if the last month was any indication of the way THOSE 4 will be, yeah I better talk to SOMEONE a lot sooner than that. ASAP, really...

On happier matters, I went to my sister's play tonight. HORRIBLY cheesy... but I laughed and Rinny did really good... as was Kevin Goertsen. The guy is TALENTED. (He semi-dated Rinny... before he got married, obviously. Also, ummm (okay, Awkward...) he was really good friends with PoetryBoy, my... well I suppose he was my boyfriend... first/last/only kiss).

OH and in the lobby, this is so random. GUESS WHO I MET? Natalie, the short girl with the head band and glasses... in THIS!!!--->

"Girl, you have 50,000 coaches..."

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, fabulous, gorgeous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that's within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we automatically give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Marianne Williamson

I am watching Akeelah and the Bee right now and it is very good! However, it IS 2 am and I should be asleep, especially as tomorrow my friend Coats is coming to Provo for lunch and it would be good if I could drag my but out of bed before the crack of NOON.

This movie, though, it makes me want to be smart, you know? These kids are spelling these words that I can not even imagine spelling (with out Firefox's fantastic spell check of any field... YAY MOZILLA!). Other things, too... I want to... to achieve. I want to do something awesome with my life. However, I am not certain I AGREE with Mandela. I think I am pretty afraid I will fail... not be too powerful...

I am not worried about THAT at all. Lately I have been feeling down right powerless.

Weak.

Alone.

Terrified of my own failure.

And I wish I was healthy enough to jump rope.

ANYWAY, you will notice I am not speaking like a pirate because it is not Tuesday anymore. Also, I am not in the mood. I feel sad and icky about myself... despite the fact that I have amazing friends and family arguing that to the contrary. I love my friends... my mom... my sugar gliders (okay, so the suggies do not actually argue with me. They just make me giggle and give me someone else to focus on caring for. I need that, too.). I guess we all sort of do. Something to take us out of ourselves, you know?

Anyway, it's just... frustrating. Wanting to achieve. To succeed. To become something... to become someone worth being. To ME. Worth being to me. I know, at least deep inside, I am a person worth being to God. But he is perfect. He loves all his children. But I am NOT perfect. I don't love everyone. Least of all, right now, Me. I know I am wrong. I know my thinking and perception is skewed. I know the mental illness does that. I know that what *I* see in the mirror isn't real life. I know it...

but I don't BELIEVE it somehow. I need to learn how. But I don't know if I ever will.

But I hope I can.