Pieces of Eight

Pilfered from T-La

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1. The Office
2. Heroes
3. Chuck
4. NCIS
5. Perry Mason
6. Gilmore Girls
7. It's Me or the Dog
8. Bones


8 Things that Happened Yesterday
1. Went to the Doctor *sigh*
2. Texted back and forth with a "Koda Bear" who has been doing so off and on, like, a year, and he asked me OUT. I said maybe sometime. But I probably won't. Because he is kinda weird. I've never met him. It is WEIRDER, somehow, than online. Texting some stanger out of the blue. SERIOUSLY. Who does that?!
3. Went to the pool and swam a bit
4. Watched Chuck and Heroes.
5. Felt like CRAP.
6. Started drinking the barium "smoothie" (vile stuff!) for today's CT scan of my stomach.
7. Tried very hard not to throw up said "smoothie."
8. Prayed a lot for a lot of people. <:O( See Wishlist, I guess.


8 Favorite Places to Eat
1. China Bowl (BEST. Egg Drop Soup. Ever. Even if she is the Soup Nazi of Chinese Restaurants. "Yeah, can we get Lemon Chicken Dinner to go?" "NO. You had that too many time. You have something different today. You have Coconut Shrimp. You like." "Oh thanks, that sounds good, but..." " NO LEMON CHICKEN. You Have Shrimp! You like! Very good!")
2. Macaroni Grill (Shrimp and Pine Nut Portofino, hold the mushrooms, please!.... mmmmm.... and the BREAD.)
3. Betos
4. Skipper's (too bad it's GONE!)
5. that Brazilian place on State Street that has the cheese rolls sold seperatley. Mmmm... I want some NOW.
6. Cafe Rio (Pork Salad!)
7. Target (Yes, THAT Target. They have Sushi.)
8. Cold stone. I like to eat at coldstone. Does having ice cream for dinner count? <---YES. It Counts, because ME TOO!!!


8 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. The 2nd Coming
2. being healthy and DONE with all doctors, tests and meds.
3. the Holidays
4. Ooh, one of those cookies my mom is making for someone else. Hmmm...
5. taking a bath
6. The next Heroes (yes, I AM that big of a geek)
7. My Baby Bro Spencer coming home from his mission
8. Thanksgiving Dinner (with the Ostleparkwells... or some Tigers. If we are home we are definitely having it with T-La and Megs and their Fam. But we MAY be in Vegas. If that is the case I am pushing to go back to the Secret Garden. I swear, am packing a lunch and staying the WHOLE DAY in there. I love those cats.)


8 Things on My Wish List
1. For an online friend of mine who once was looking into the LDS Church to do so again and feel the truth of the gospel and mostly how it could HELP his life.
2. That those who are so full of HATRED about Proposition 8 in California could just... CHILL and have softer hearts. Disagreeing is one thing. For me it was hard to stand behind Prop 8 100% because I have friends and FAMILY who I love dearly that struggle with SSA. I knew this would hurt them. BUT I know that the leaders of the church SPEAK FOR THE LORD. And for whatever reason, they have asked us to take a stand on this cause. And, honestly, if it's causing THIS MUCH of a fight... mobs attacking temples and stuff, then, it must be super important.
But I just wish the contention would STOP. Why is it ANGER and screaming and picketing? I just think of sadness...
3. My home was clean and organized...
4. And that I was LIVING there. :OP
5. I wish could get healthy. Get a healthy weight so my dumb diabetes under control. Especially now, because, oh, my doctor thinks I may SORT OF have TYPE ONE Diabetes as well as Type 2. Like little kid Diabetes. Just not really bad. How crazy is that? Anyway, losing 100 lbs would be REALLY great.
6. a Ferret. He is adorable and I love him. He is silver and white, and follows me around the cage in Petco, and snuggles with me. But I can't have him. But this is a WISH list dang it all!
7. Hey, while I am wishing for things I can't have, how about a funny, cute boy that likes me and DOESN'T live far away, etc.?
8. Money. Or at least a job that I like that gives me more of it. *sigh*


8 People I Tag
Umm... you... eight.

Super Friends and Wandering in the Desert

Friday was pretty awesome as as a fairly last minute thing I got to go up and play with CC in honor of her birthday. YAY! It included CC, Mali, Kami, Scooter, Zach (one of the DesignBoys), and 2 Roomies that I can't remember names for, and Me going for garlic burgers at Cotton Bottoms (it's a bar, but ALL of us just had Cokes. Well, all in our party. Not all in the bar. But that would be a bit much to ask.)

Then we went to Fat Cats and after deciding not to bowl we played in the arcade. Mali was, of course, DDR queen. I played Scooter in air hockey at least 5 times. And yeah, he creamed me mostly. CC and Kami mostly did ski-ball and won Superman tattoos with their tickets. They were just plotting to stick them on their boobs when they let me in on their secret society, too. So I went and got ME some super cool tats as well. ;) YAY FOR SUPER BOOBS! I have such awesome (and awesomely dorky) friends.

I admit, I am not nearly as good as making friends as I am at TAKING them... borrowing my friend's friends. But I love my friends' friends.






Not remotely related, but moving onward and... DOWNWARD... I am totally sick today. I have had a cold the past little while and I went to the doctor this morning fearing a sinus infection. Well, yeah, I was right, but the doctor was worried about some other things, like me being really tired, and weak and flushed and stuff, and he did a blood test and the infection had shot my sugar up high and once I was home he called me rather quick with my results.
Ketoacidosis. He told me if I didn't want to go to ER I had to stay in bed, drink a LOT, and use the fast acting insulin to get regulated and FAST. Basically I feel like crap because my stupid body seems to think I am lost, wandering in the desert. Therefore I am weak, dizzy, dehydrated and burning up my muscles instead of carbs or fat. My muscles are cramping up from lack of electrolytes and all that. Yes, my body is STUPID.


And yes, that Superman is TOTALLY singing Karaoke.

And no, in case you are wondering I do NOT have Bird Flu

It's supposed to stop. Not ALL my pain, obviously, but the horrible stomach pain. It's SUPPOSED to stop. The doctors keep telling me "No, you should be fine now. Go ahead and eat regular food. Just nothing heavy or spicy." NO. No! It HURTS! It ALL hurts! I hate food. I hate EATING.
It HURTS ME. (However, at LEAST unlike the child with the stomach ache in the pic I found I am not, like, half human half pig(?))

And it is SUPPOSED to have stopped. The endoscopy showed ulcers, but that they were healing. If I just took it easy for awhile things would be okay. I am wondering now, with how my stomach feels, if something else is wrong too... because something is NOT getting better. My stomach is hurting all the time... and that's on top of the head stuff that never goes away. And other mystery pains (like girl stuff... What the HELL is going on down THERE?! My OBGYN sure has no clue, and my idiot endocrinologist doesn't care.). And my diabetes is CRAZY right now with now doing insulin though at least I FINALLY have competent HELP with it. Sigh.

Right now I am just hurting... hurting and watching old episodes of Heroes online because I only SAW, like, 4 of the first season, but liked them. So now I am sort of catching up and trying not to think about hurting since most everything, pill-wise just hurts me MORE. It is bad. What am I going to do? Meds are making me WORSE... pain pills make me have an ulcer. The ulcer meds are messing with my other pills. Etcetera... chemical confusion... and that's all the doctors will do. Confuse my body some more.

Had a dumb dream last night. Dumb because it involved Fresno. Also sad last night, Reepicheep, the one-winged (to be accurate, more like 1 and a half winged) Pipit, died. The Roomie is SO sad. She has worked so hard with him.
Rest in peace, Reepicheep. I am sorry we couldn't save you. If The Roomie couldn't, I don't know that you had a chance... but I am still sorry. You will be missed. You were a good little bird. Igor was confused, but he had a crush on you. And Critter, well, he annoys ALL the birds, but that little parakeet just ADORED you SO MUCH. He is mourning pretty badly now. We are worried about him. He makes me cry. He keeps looking for you and climbing into your cage, Reep. But don't worry, he will adapt. And You, well, you will be happy in Heaven. His eye is on the Pipits, too, you know.

dis jointed

When I am super struggling with depression I either do not write at all or inundate you with entries. I guess this time is the latter. Sorry.

I left church right after the sacrament. Not Sacrament MEETING. The actual Sacrament. I was having a really yucky anxiety attack, and decided it wasn't worth it to be there. I could hardly hear the words being said by the man speaking, my heart was beating all weird and I thought with trying to get my sugars balanced there WAS a chance it might NOT be a panic attack anyway. I felt sick and like I could not sit still. I almost ran out of the chapel. I checked my blood and it wasn't WAY high (just 222) just a little, nor was it low, but I stayed at home anyway, but decided I couldn't do that either. I had to GO somewhere. I felt a little like driving crazy fast in the canyon but decided that was not a safe release right now, so instead I drove to the Padres and decided at least there I could talk to Mom when she got home from her own meetings. She isn't here yet.

What is it about anxiety disorder that makes you feel like your arms and legs are going to go in all different dirrections? Like you have to run away? Like your brain will burst if you STAY somewhere, even somewhere you KNOW you should be.. like CHURCH... a place that is good. A place that is safe. I should have brought my journal. MAYBE I could have written some of my panic out and stayed longer. But I didn't and so I escaped instead.

If Mom doesn't get home soon I may not even get to talk to her anyway (unless this clock has not been changed yet? Let me check. No, it has) because my home teachers are coming over at 4:30. I don't want them to even come. But I do not want to be difficult to visit. They are doing what THEY should. And I should support that. But I don't want to have to face THEM and have THEM wonder (nor do I want to TELL them, though) why I left mid-meeting today.

Bleh.

Oh, and today a song made me cry because it reminded me of Fresno. Sorta figured I was done with THAT, you know? Don't know when I will be. I am certainly not pleased with other "prospects" that like me, and usually the idea of remaining single forever is okay with me so long as I have my critters, but sometimes it sounds pretty depressing. Like when I am, you know, DEPRESSED?!

I am glad I have, at least, an interesting roommate. I really hope I don't chase her away with my clutter and problems. We do weird stuff like learn how to clip bird's wings and other rescue stuff (we have a new rescue right now, a pipit with one wing, who we thought was a thrush) and right now we are experimenting (on us and the animals) with SOUND THERAPY. Basically it sounds like we are listening to alien music... or are robots. It is funny. Some of it is just plain wacko. But some of it is... interesting. Anyway, it is pretty fun and it is something to do.

Sure, it's not roommate stuff like water balloon wars with the boys next door like Rinny, or even wearing wigs in WalMart or driving around making the giant teddy bear wave, which was HILARIOUS... but it is a unique roomie experience. So we have been listening to alien music and giggling at it and the responses of the animals to it.

I should go home for the home teachers now. Also I should feed Bratanik. He probably is a bit confused why we are all acting an hour later than usual.

"What blonde in the kitchen?" "Wouldn't you like to know! Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe!"

Hee hee hee! The Seven Year Itch is pretty hilarious. I always thought I had seen it before, but apparently I was wrong and now I HAVE and it is FUNNY!

Last night I dreamed The Roomie was really mad at me because the house was so chaotic. (And she wouldn't let my home teachers come and yelled at them. I had to ride a giant bike, like 20 feet tall... to go tell them so.) And when I woke up I found out it wasn't SO far off. I mean, it WAS... no bikes, or getting MAD, but she had written me (because we don't do confrontation face-to-face very well) about how things were out of control. I knew that and so it made me feel even EXTRA crappy and depressed, but I was still glad she wrote, you know?

Like I told her, I have always had a problem with STUFF and being organized... and I know it's gotten worse and worse. It's a self defeating behavior... Getting "bargains" makes me feel happy, but having clutter (and worse, making HER and others feel bad!) makes me feel crappy... It is stupid because I can SEE myself cycling, but I still do it. I know it's one of my "behaviors" with my OCD and Depression, but it is one I REALLY need to work on because it most affects other people. I would feel awful if my stuff chased her out of the house!!!

So why do I KNOW this, and still want to cry when I think about getting rid of things? And worse, why still freaking SHOP?!

But, I did to some real, FlyLady-style organizing today. Not a LOT of it... but I made, as my mom calls it "a dent" in the family room and re-vowed to have an empty sink always. And I mean it.

I even got a Storage Unit. It may not be a very smart thing to do, economically... I need to get RID of stuff, not make room for it, but I thought, maybe if I have somewhere empty to take it... sort it... store SOME of it. My little garage away from home. So I did it. It is sort of a secret though.

And my stomach hurts so bad tonight I am afraid that ulcer is going to eat right through the lining and skin and pour out my shirt. And my head isn't much better than that. Urrgh. Doctors. Shots. Bruises left by every injection (how do I not get those?) Pills. PAIN. I hate my body. I hate it as much as it seems to hate ME.

28 going on 89

And it JUST. GETS. WORSE.

First of all, I was confused. Today was NOT the appointment with my Neurologist who prescribed my the meds to help with my head that ended up giving me a bleeding ulcer that put me in the ER that Jack built...

I have way too many doctors to keep things straight.

Dr. NYB is my Endocrinologist who only wanted to talk about my diabetes when I came to her about other stuff, but whatever. I am now officially insulin dependent. I have my stupid needle and I was bawling when I left. Then I got more blood tests (didn't help the crying situation).

Then I came home to find this email:

We are sorry to announce that the Work When You Want program will no longer be available beginning Monday, November 5th. Unfortunately, the program has not lived up to the original expectations. We will continue to accept work requests for the week of October 29th, but it will be the last week of the program.

Figures as much. Your basic "too good to last" thing.

Also, trying to schedule all my scary procedures... my insurance has decided that even though my stomach is hurting this bad, and I almost certainly have an ulcer, I won't even be having my appointment with the gastroenterologist (and yes I SO had to look up how to spell that) till November 6th and THEY set up my endoscopy.

I know I used to write at least VAGUELY entertaining blogs. Now they are all about my medical issues. I feel like one of those 89 year old ladies who sits around and complains about her "sugars and 'arth'itis"... of which I have BOTH. Bullocks.

Pain and Doctors from Head to Toe... Literally

Doctors yesterday.
Doctors today.

SIGH. Seriously, can I just trade in my body for a newer model? Because this one SUCKS!

Yesterday was the Head thing.
I got through it and I am glad I did. It was the right thing. But I am glad my dad came over before the procedure and gave me a father's blessing with the priesthood. And I am glad I trust Dr. YeahBaby's SKILL. Because his bedside... a LIIIIITTLE scary. Like when I was laying on the table, face down, covered in sheets and iodine and unable to be under sedation. And they are threading an epidural tube through my neck up under my skull, and hit a nerve. And so what does Dr. YeahBaby say to his (rather annoying)PA/nurse man IN FRONT (or, you know, BACK) of me?

"Do you know why we don't do this procedure very often? Because people DIE. Do this wrong and she could die."

I am laying there thinking "Um, hey people, remember how I am NOT sedated because I can't be for this?! And I can hear you? And I am scared so bad I might pee my pants if I weren't dehydrated? SO MAYBE YOU COULD NOT KEEP MENTIONING HOW I COULD DIE FROM THIS?!"

I mean, yes, I know I COULD. We have discussed it many times. But it was one of those things where the benefits outweigh the risks. I signed a lot of papers to say so.

But I'd rather not be reminded while laying there scared and half naked on a table, you know?!

BUT his chewing out DID impress the seriousness of the operation on the helper I guess (or else Dr. YeahBaby just didn't let him help anymore, I am not quite sure) because the rest went perfectly. My headache is gone... MAYBE for 9 months again. I have to take it easy a few days, and the ordeal left me pretty drained. But it was a success. And I would recommend Dr. YeahBaby to any who needed a Pain specialist (and, you know, give them his REAL name).

Then came today. The past week, for some reason I have been just HOBBLING around. Like a broke my right foot but couldn't remember when. Hurts to do ANYTHING, and making my toes have pins and needles, too, for some reason. So, I finally got an appointment with a a FOOT doctor. Never had THAT before.

Because I sure did need another STUPID ailment.

So what "fun" thing do I get to have now is a little, but MEAN, tumor on a nerve in the ball of my foot called a neuroma. It is benign, but still causes the same pain.

The Dr. Foot told me that what we could do was to give my foot cortisone injections for awhile to hopefully postpone the time when I would have to have surgery. However, the shots would do BAD things to my blood sugar. I told him that as I had, just yesterday HAD an injection that very likely had done so, that might be a little bit overkill for my diabetes. He agreed. He didn't really want to rush the surgery, either because at present I have full feeling in my feet and that is something I can LOSE with the diabetes... and removing the offending nerve, well, OBVIOUSLY not helping THAT. So, for now he has my foot in a brace. And FlyLady wins... I finally have to wear shoes in the house. And I try this wacky brace a while till I get shots... and eventually, probably surgery... and stupid special shoes.

But right now, there IS no alternative. I hurt so bad this week I can hardly walk, and am needing a a cane or an arm to balance on half the time. I can't give field trips like this, and I can't drive to work on the levels of pain meds I am on.

So there you go. Doctored and doctored from head to toe, quite literally. But with the brace, I can walk (even if I look a little wobbly, still) and my head is considerably improved, so either way my doctors win this round and I have to be happy. I wish I was happier.

Just feeling a little discouraged at being who I am right now, though. Sorry to be such a whiner. I know I am very blessed, I really do. Just... having a tricky time of it at present.

New on KFC's Menu... Guilt Trips for just $1 more

It is a random Tuesday. So you get random Tidbits. Here.

Tidbit #1. So, today I totally got scolded indirectly by the Colonel. It was pretty hilarious, really, in an embarrassing sort of way. But I learned my lesson... maybe. For a WHILE anyway.

Tidbit #2. This is totally just for CC. Okay, everyone can look, but I only expect her to either laugh her head off or throw something sharp at me for it. THAT'S A RISK I'M WILLING TO TAKE.

Tidbit #3. Sometimes I feel my job is just a very drawn out scavenger hunt. It's like Find a reliable online source for all of the following for under a buck each
1. Tadpoles
2. Caterpillars
3. Papyrus sheets (which, incidentally, is how I stumbled across Tidbit #2)

Shots, pots, and Aquaba[u]ts

I have been having a rather consistent string of bad days lately. Some of it is medical. Quite a bit of it, really. My headaches are coming back. And the Diabetes, this weekend I pretty much cheated. I cheated because I was sick of trying, for one, and because my stupid numbers didn't seem to change one way or the other whether I tried or not.

I cheated. I ate pasta and bread. Heck, even contemplated Cheesecake (but didn't) and my numbers were horrible.
But earlier, I tried really hard, like I did all month... my numbers were horrible.
That's how things have been lately.
Controlling my diet and not cheating at all.
Taking Metformin...
and Actos...
and Januvia...
and cinnamon.
And still never getting under 200s...(hmmm... just like my weight. LOVERLY.)

So I cheated. Because what the hell is the point anyway?
I will tell you where the point is. The end of the needle. The doctors have been saying so every single time but I have begged and begged for reprieves and pardons and second chances. But after this next follow up, I WON'T get one. I will be going on needles not just for emergencies, but full-time.

As a pretty major trypanophobic, well, let's just say I am scared to death to even go to the doctor about it.

I know I have to, I just... ugh.

On the bright side, I have really good friends.

I recently had a good time renewing an old friendship with a high school friend, Pepper. I was sort of scared to because it is one of those awkward things, you know? I kept thinking either it would be weird and nothing like in high school... or it would be JUST LIKE in high school and therefore really weird and... ahhh... High-Maintenance. Either way, umm, yeah. However, it ended up pretty fun! We played with her rabbit and her nephew who is, essentially, her son. His mom, Pepper's little sister, is now severely disabled, both mentally and physically. It is so WEIRD to see her now. She is a little higher functioning than Roomie's J. It is the saddest thing. (This is Sparkle... not the younger sister who married TexasBoy's clone, just to keep things straight.) But, so Pepper basically raises the boy now. Caring for him... and mostly her sister as well.

Anyway, we (she, another old friend Stacy, and I) met at her home, hung out a bit and then went to the new Provo Arts Center that Pepper's dad is the manager of. It used to be the library, now it is a big theater. We saw Best of Broadway: Featuring the Music of Andrew Lloyd Webber. The beginning was pretty boring, but it was fun later. And afterward we hung out and got drafted into helping which is always interesting, meeting the stars... and having to alphabetize tickets for the next show. Because when you know people... you get put to WORK! hee hee!

Then Yesterday. I gave CC a gift certificate to Color Me Mine for... either Christmas or her Birthday... either way it was way late and THEN it took forever for us to ACT on it and so we finally made plans to GO and Cupcake came too and we painted our hearts out! Not everything worked the way we WANTED exactly, but still... I think it will all look better all cooked and shiny. We also went out to eat at Macaroni Grill. VERY yummy, but very carby (and the topic of that paragraph about cheating.)

Also yesterday was Mali's BIRTHDAY!!!! I finally got over there eventually and we got to hang out and talk and give her the news that she was taller than her friends but God made her that way (hee hee hee!) and her gift... WE ARE GOING TO TOAD THE WET SPROCKET ((and NOW THEY'VE ADDED AQUABATS!) And Dashboard Confessional! and the rest of the Jamboree) September 8th people! Feel free to be jealous.

You SHOULD be.

I am more Baggage than Passenger

I am having a very bad day, and it came on crazy fast. I can't even blame Fresno. It's not even about losing him right now. It's just about me. (Can I sound any more selfish?)

I was doing okay. I took all my meds. I was dressed fairly cute (CC, Stewie, it was the same thing I wore yesterday to the Baptism because it was still clean), I was on time and I was feeling so good about church I even thought maybe I would share my testimony (but probably not. Stages and I are NOT FRIENDS, even when "inspired").

Then one of the testimonies set me off. It was so embarrassing. He starts talking about when his mom died and she had diabetes and I had, like a major breakdown. Big anxiety attack... the whole deal, the shaking and nausea and no air to breath and insanity... (by the way, Hermioniny posted about them in a more intelligent way than this. You should read THAT instead.) and then almost went up there to tell him "HEY. People usually don't die of diabetes. They lose their sight. They lose LIMBS. They feel like crap every day of their lives. They don't get to die, not even if they want to." Instead, I just started to cry. I left. I went to my Jeep and cried about my stupid diabetes and the stupid lesions in my brain that my doctor wouldn't look at this time and my stupid fat body and how I wish I could cut it away like carving off excess clay. I cried about how my head kept me from even sitting comfortably through a whole sacrament meeting. I cried and almost LAUGHED at the idea that Fresno or any other boy would ever want to deal with this.

*I* sure don't want to, but I don't have a choice. I am stuck with Me. They can get a different Her. I can't get a different Me. I am screwed.

And so, yeah, I left church today and came home, feeling sick and ugly and too out of control to sit in a room full of other people who could look at me.

I think I hear someone at the door who I am pretty sure is Matt who lives in the Cemetery Plot (a house in our neighborhood) who is the one who first talked me into coming to this ward and who also saw me leave. He will be checking on why I did so. However, and I know this is rude, I am not up to pretending to be NORMAL sick instead of mental and so I am going to pretend to be taking a nap in here and hope he goes away.

Actually, I think I really AM going to lay down. My head is throbbing out of my skull.

I am supposed to go to the Padres' for Family Dinner. We are finishing up a care package for BoyKid including a memory card for his camera. We record stuff on it... videos or just narrated pics... because Mom has the same camera. Then we swap. It is really fun because we get to see and hear him so much. I miss him a ton.

But I wish it wasn't today. I am afraid I am not good at pretending to be cheerful today and I REALLY do not want to look like this for BoyKid. I haven't even told him Fresno and I broke up. Though he usually KNOWS when I am depressed anyway. The kid is freaking IN TUNE. But then, I am not very in tune and I usually know when he is struggling too. So, yeah. We are close. Anyway, I will tell him. I just wanted to wait a bit. Like maybe after the girl he is teaching, Sandra, gets baptized. I don't need him thinking about ME. There is major work for him to do in Italy.

I miss my baby brother so much.

Actually, I think I really AM going to lay down, not just pretend. My head is throbbing out of my skull.

Back from my illegal nap now. My head is bad enough still (though the nap tempered it some... but really is bad. I am not allowed them.) that I will be taking some Loritab soon. BLEH. HATE the way it makes me feel. Some people say it makes them loopy and happy. For me, it helps with pain but just makes me feel SLOW. Like my brain can't connect with the rest of me. I hate that scary hazy feeling. I don't even like Benadryl.

Anyway, I don't know that I have solved anything at all (Well, NO, I know I HAVEN'T. I still have Diabetes. I still have enough medical mysteries to put several doctors' children through college. Fresno is still gone and I still don't plan on meeting his equal.) but writing it out HALF helps. It only half helps me because on the one hand I get it out, my own free therapy. But on the other it gets be thinking and crying even harder.

And now I will attempt to turn OFF my brain for a bit (I wonder if Little House or Perry Mason is on?)...



In the realm of your basic weekend randomonium:

"I've always held that early marriage indicates secondary goods that need to be sold in a hurry"
- Mr. Harrison, Anne of Green Gables - The Sequel

and

If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.
- Albert Einstein

And then because you were condering, is Kipluck more of a Dork a Geek or a Nerd...

Your Score: Outcast Genius

82 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 60% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occasion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius.

Congratulations!

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

and freakiest of all...

I'm still a PotterHead

Today has not been a great Sabbath. Last night I didn't sleep much, and not just for the sake of reading... I felt sick, like WAY sick. I was thinking it was blood sugar (those evil cheese rolls and such), but I just felt worse and worse. I was intending to even go to all THREE meetings for a change! But I was in sacrament meeting when I had to bolt and run outside (closer than the restroom) to throw up. Feeling like crap all day, I am totally sick. Luckily, I don't have to be to work tomorrow till later than afternoon to get ready for 3 Cheers for the Pioneers family night at the farm.

Hopefully I am better by then because right now I am just dragging... dripping in sweat... and reminding myself hourly how much I need to clean my toilet. BLEH.

The only fun thing today has been I finished Harry Potter and it was good! I won't ruin anything for those of you who haven't read it yet, but I will say that parts of it I cried, that there is QUITE the body count in this one, and that I had guessed right on quite a few things... but not everything... so it was a good combination.

I *highly* recommend it. If, you know, you LIKE Harry Potter, it won't be a let-down, in my opinion.

In other news, I am worried about Fresno. He's not doing so well. He is having a really hard time with the job thing. And he is really hard to get on the phone. It's like he's... me. Which is scary.

Don't break, don't break my heart, and I won't break your heart-shaped glasses...

So, yeah. My Depression is not doing so great. It is making being normal enough for a relationship really difficult right now. And the thing is, Fresno is a really REALLY good guy. And extremely understanding, at least comparatively so. And I have explained to him about having Depression. And about my meds and such. However, he still just doesn't QUITE get it. And tends to blame himself. Like if I was more attracted to him, I wouldn't be scared of a relationship. Or if he was a better boyfriend I would just be happier in general. Or (the most ridiculous, considering) if he was more RIGHTEOUS than his prayers for me would be working.

Blaming MYSELF for my issues is bad enough. But HIM blaming HIMSELF for my issues? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I do NOT want my screwed-up-ed-ness to hurt him! This is part of the reason I have been so SCARED to even admit I love him because I don't want to mess up his life!

I want to BE A HAPPY PERSON.

But more than that, I want Fresno to be happy. If at all possible I want us to be happy at the same time... together...

but if not, just don't let me ruin him.

I really REALLY need to get therapy again.
I WILL call Dr. Apparently. But I am also trying to work around OTHER, more physical doctors, including an MRI… next week? And working. SO MUCH WORKING. Monday I worked 12 hours. Tuesday I worked 9. Today I have off. But I am feeling more than a little DEAD at present. My headache is coming back and the stress of day camps is NOT helping. Oh! But about today…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!!!

Can I just say that even though we have our problems, I DO love this country and am (usually) glad to live here!? However, I am not a fan of the national anthem. Sorry, Francis Scott Key or whoever. If I had my druthers, I would pick Proud to Be an American. I know, it seems a little country-ish for me, but honestly NO OTHER SONG makes me feel more love for this nation than that. In fact, when I see it done at the Bellagio dancing waters, it HAS made me almost CRY.

Way WAY better in person, just fyi. Awww… I need to take another Vegas trip. It’s been far too long. Too bad I now seem to be the ONLY one of my family who doesn’t hate Vegas. (and yes, I know it is Sin City. But STILL… Bellagio! Fountain! Art! And! Ummm… themed hotels that make me giggle!

Poor Bellagio… SO pretty in the middle of Babylon.) Not that my family are who I would want to drive with ANYWAY. DEATH TO FAMILY VACATIONS!
So, anyway, because it is the holiday today the Roomie and I had her hyper nieces over who were pretty bratty but also way cute. “LOOK! The dog is rattling her tail!”
“Hmm… Shasta is now a snake?”

They also thought Boo the GERBIL was a BEAVER. Hee hee hee hee!

Then I went to the Padres' and we all went to Red Lobster for the Endless Soup and Salad. (and cheese biscuits. Because really now, let’s be honest. Mom and I are TRYING to be better Diabetics, but you just CAN’T resist those things!!!)

I only ate one bowl of the “endless” soup, but I shouldn’t have eaten so many carbs. Because now I feel sick. Besides I ALREADY felt sick with the headache… and stress… and kind of wanting to curl in a ball and cry in a closet but I don’t have that closet anymore or I would.

Sad that I have half of my own HOUSE and I still pine a bit for a crawl space under the stairs to cry in. But such is life… and such is ME.

I am not a very big fan of me today.

I DID do some good today. I did some FlyLady-style 15 minute-ing in the basement. That was good. Just not… enough.

I am suddenly feeling really cut-off and isolated. See, the internet is down. And my phone died. And it can’t even receive calls while charging. So at present this “blogging” is actually being typed into a document to keep me from flying in a million directions over at the Padres while we wait for my dad to decide on the next part of the day’s “fun.”

I feel more like going home and being alone.

But at the same time, I know that’s not a super wise choice. So I am stuck here.

The window is just SAD now. Usually anytime we look out there is at least ONE deer, usually a few, in the backyard. Now I see none.

We may watch a video soon. If we don't I think I am going home anyway, depressed or not. I feel like crap.

And also, it FEELS like a weekend so it is rather annoying to know I have work (and lots of it) tomorrow. Back to day camp world. I really DO LOVE my work... but we are still just SO SHORT STAFFED!

OH! But we have a new guy, who has the potential of being REALLY good. He IS brilliant, rather cute (but just 18), and a herptology genius. However the reptile thing is... well, let's just say he is SO into them even *I* think it's weird. And if you KNOW me and my babies and the level at which I am OBSESSED with them, well, you know that is saying a lot. Still.. he is pretty fascinating.

Anyway, I am gonna go now.

Bleeding from the outside in would be... like... a Transfusion, wouldn't it?

Wow, the clouds are so pretty right now. They are BRILLIANT pink. I haven probably had a TV overload. I am watching the season finale of 24 right now. Before that the (tapes of) Scrubs, The Office, and Gilmore Girls.

At least I overloaded on GOOD TV. Hee hee! But, well, BAD TV has it's happy place, too. I am watching TV and an ad for some silly Made-for-TV suspense movie called Pandemic comes on. This guys gets sick and the doctor person says "It's like he bled from the inside out!" Ummm, people, we ALWAYS bleed from the inside out. You can't bleed from the outside in!

But then, I have recently been deciding the world is just full of bad writing. Case in point, margarine at Smith's grocery. HA!

I'm sorry but does that slogan sound a little weird to anyone else?! Like, "I don't know what it IS, but Butter it's NOT..."

Anyway, today was really really frustrating. I am trying to not bawl any more, though, so here goes the sunshine edited version...

First I met with my Psych and ended up crying a ton, because, that's what I DO when I have to talk about Depression stuff. However, he gave me a TON of assignments for the insomnia and said that 15 of 15 people who actually DID the assignments got into normal sleep in 8 weeks. The other 2 in his study didn't do the assignments.

So I have full intentions of being insomnia free by mid-July. And I will never again even take "how early does it start?" into consideration in career exploration! See how positive I am being?
He also told me I needed to go to regular appointments with another psychologist, like therapy and stuff. I haven't CALLED Dr. Apparently yet, but I will tomorrow. Because, well, THIS is not working. Whatever we want to call this.

So I will get an appointment with him soon. I hope he can help.

But I will tell you what I am pretty sure is NOT going to help... this OTHER counselor, a career counselor lady at Voc Rehab which was ALSO today. I only even WENT there because the Psych referred me to try out their program. I didn't want to go anyway. So FINE. Whatever. I don't care if she DOES ever get back to me. I left crying my head off and stayed crying much of the rest of the day.

I want to do this. I want to fix me. I want to stay happy awhile for a change.

I want...
to wake up at a normal time and go to SLEEP when I get in bed.
to be able to have a full-time job with benefits that I like as much as my part-time, $7/hour/ no benefits on at TGP that will, after all, be pretty much phased out once field trip season is over. I mean I can get hours here and there, but yeah, BLEH.
to be happy when things are happy and be able to HANDLE having a good relationship.
to control my blood sugar and not be diabetic!
to lose around 105 pounds, ideally.
to curb these constant headaches and just "get a headache" like a normal person!
to get all normal in my, uhh, SOUTHERN region and the hormonal crap that goes along with that junk.
to gain more flexibilty in my calves so I don't get Charlie Horses so much.
to be on meds that do more HELP than HARM! Grrr!
to be more financially independent... yeah, that's a LITTLE off-topic, but not much because all that makes a significant difference in how difficult THAT particular goal is to accomplish.

ANYWAY, as for the whole insomnia thing, one of those assignments besides a journal thingy to fill out is a very strict bedtime regardless of whether I SLEEP during it. SIGH. Not as hard as the OTHER end though... waking up at 7 am.

So, to that end, I am off to feed the babies and go to bed. :O/

Cat Empire and Gerbil Torture

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY!

So, Fridays aren't usually as exciting when you not only work Saturdays, but work an extra long day... in the sun... teaching wild and crazy boy scouts. But it WAS rather Friday-ish. For one thing, even though I was writing 8th grade curriculum (ugh... WAY too close to my own skill level to be fun or effective!) most of the day we kept giggling at the pageant ladies next door and quoting Miss Congeniality all day. ALSO because Rinny needed to leave early to a meeting with some chocolate guy we met at this Show to try and get us some cocoa beans and plants and such for our field trips, *I* got to leave early, too! So I was driving home when CC called to play! YAY!

She drove to my house and brought me my birthday present! She gave me Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s AND a card game called Big Fish Little Fish. And if you are thinking SHE is late, well, consider I gave her her CHRISTMAS present, what, a week ago? hee hee hee!

Anyway, we drove around, went bead shopping (including some that I intend to make into a very awesome necklace that look like... uhh... PEACH PITS(?)... hee hee hee!), laughed at people who try to shop at Target after closing, and had diet Limeades at Sonic while listening to CC's fantastically eclectic tunes. (Hey, and CC, don't forget to give me Cupcake's rejects!)

OH, and we saw SUCH a cool car! Seriously, new cars... MEH. I *HEART* OLD STUFF. Especially with their eyes closed. Yes, I over anthropomorphize cars. Hee hee hee hee hee!

Then we came back to the house and played with (ie: mildly traumatized) my gerbil, Boo for awhile. Don't worry. She'll get over it. Hee hee!

It was a good night. THANKS, CC!

The one bad thing is I realized I missed a call from Fresno and I am sure he is asleep and he sounded pretty bummed because we haven't really talked in so long, like almost a whole week. So I will email him before heading to bed and try to cheer him up with firmed up travel plans and... umm... pictures of me in pimp hats? Hee hee?

Bicentennial Bloggage!

200th post!
Can you believe it? 200 posts here on Blogger, well, on Library of Skittles Deferred anyway (I mean, I HAVE other Blogger blogs, after all.) That's... zany.You'd have thought I would've learned to shut up by now, but NO! I won't stop writing!

Apparently I won't stop EATING now either because I already HAD dinner tonight but my stupid stomach is growling. So I will check my blood sugar and then eat something accordingly. I have been VERY frustrated today with my diabetes... and my headache... and the fact that I can't stop crying about those things. But, well, MAYBE tomorrow will help. I have a new psychiatrist and I meet with him for the first time tomorrow morning.

The actual REASON for the visit is that the pills I take for insomnia sure aren't cutting it and so I need to talk to a psychiatrist about my sleep issues. However, since, you know, he is a PSYCHIATRIST I will probably also see if he can help me with my depression since I haven't been seen by one for it in a long time and I think maybe I need to change meds. I don't know. We'll see.

What sucks, though, is that I have to miss work to go to the appointment. And work, while stressful, hard, and painful it is NOT BORING! But, yeah... Painful. That goat that has it in for me butted my arm repeatedly against the fence as I was trying to leave. Yeah, we are NOT friends. Bearded Lady, though, is being great about me holding her new twins who I call Doby (the spindly little one) and Weiler (the other). Okay, so, technically, I am not in charge of naming ANYTHING. But if I am going to be talking to, holding, feeding, petting, or talking about something that does not have a name I am going to call it SOMETHING!

I wonder who REALLY names the critters, anyway? Is it REALLY kids? Because apparently April 28th is our Annual BABY ANIMAL BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! From 10-2 and free with farm admission (so you people (especially with kiddlets!) should come!)And the site says we will be having a Baby Naming Contest. Will we be naming ALL of the babies?! Because SO FAR (and this number could change tomorrow as a TON of mommies are preggy) we have...

7 kids - 2 Nubian(?), 3(?) Angora, and 2 Pygmy
6 calves - 2 Jersey, 2 Holstein, and 2 Angus(?)
16(?) bunnies - 8(?) Holland Lop and 8(?) Rex
3 ducklings
10 chicks
18(?) poults
1 pony

The only ones who OFFICIALLY have names are the Jerseys, Jake and T-Bone.

Unofficially, 3 of the the baby goats are Doby, Weiler, Ambrosia, the Angus calves are Rusty and Brisket, the fluffiest poult is Bebe, and the pony is Frankie Sinatra. Unofficially, meaning *I* named them. Hee hee!

This really is the BEST place to work. Funny kids. Funny animals. Occasionally I get to color with crayons! Who could as for more?*







*other than, well, higher salary...
and benefits...
and a better commute...
not getting HURT so often (but really, it's ME. I could work in a room of pillows and still end up battered and bruised)...

ANYWAY, I need to go to bed. It is now much later than when I STARTED this entry. Blame the boy. He called and distracted me. Hee hee hee!

You can go there anytime you want, but you can never leave...

Happy Easter! Today was a good one. First of all, even though I was exhausted, I DID wake up in time for my interview with Stake President and got my Temple recommend renewed (So, Mali, I'll be there!) and then regular church. Which was also good! Very good hymns, too. Anyway, after church I went to the Padres for an Easter/Family Pre-Birthday Party!

We had dinner (everything sugar/fat free so I could eat everything, even the cake!), talked a lot about BoyKid and took pictures of random family goings-on for him, and then I got presents!

The Padres gave me:
*a new little boom box









*a $10 gift certificate to Seagull Book
*a bag of caramel Quaker Quakes Rice Snack
*$10 gift card from Petco

And...


*a TRIP TO CALIFORNIA! Like they will pay for plane tickets! And a couple nights in a cheap motel! I am going to save my own money for a rental car and stuff, but I can go visit Fresno instead of him always coming out here! YAY!

I am not sure when yet, or the details, but they gave me a card that said so (and a model plane, but Padre even took that back. hee hee hee!)! Woohoo! HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!

My Sister, Rinny gave me:
*an original copy of my favorite shot of the Prophet! She knows the photographer through his wife who is at Thanksgiving point! PRES. HINCKLEY IS SO CUTE IN A FEDORA!
*She made me a plate with the Teen Girl Squad on it and the words "Wiggity Wack?" "No, just the regular type." AWESOME!!!


Hee hee hee! My family is pretty dang cool sometimes!

Then we had cake (sugar-free angel food cake) and watched The Testaments of One Fold and One Shepherd on DVD for Easter.

Then I went home and goofed around online (and CC gave me a bouquet on Gaia and by the way she is UBER TALENTED.) Anyway, I need to go to bed. I work early tomorrow. NOT thrilled with that, but yeah. But hey, it is my Birthday and I think Fresno is sending me flowers! And you know what? I have never really got flowers from a boy before! Except Padre, because, you know, he does that. But never from a guy who wasn't giving them to everyone or sending carnations to friends through the school (SpeedyGus gave me a carnation once, but our friend Stephanie, too. And Fredlee gave flowers to ALL the girls in the class. But never just from one boy just for me. So even though I am not a flower type person (I'd rather have tadpoles. Or chocolate. Or crayons.) I am a little excited to see if that is really what is happening. Makes me feel SO girly!

This is ALMOST an entry...

This weekend has been... well, pretty freaking EMOTIONAL. Good stuff and bad.

I almost broke up with Fresno.
I almost sat with Megs in church.
I was reminded of when BoyKid almost drown.
I almost ate chocolate covered carrots.
I almost had my armpit sliced open.
I almost told Fresno I loved him.
I almost cried thinking of BoyKid going away on the 7th.
I almost kept my blood sugar under control in the midst of a pool table covered with treats.
I found out that my "cousinephew" Gabe the Babe is almost OCD level paranoid.
And I now need to go to bed where I will almost sleep nude tonight.

In other words, I will write tomorrow.

"Your art was the prettiest art of all the art"

I am having a hard day today for no real reason.

My depression's just kind of kicking my butt at present. I was just watching Scrubs and the goofy ex-brother-in-law of Cox Brendan Fraser played reminded me so much of Brady... the silliness, seriously, was SO like him. Actually, he reminded me enough of Brady, I felt like calling my Mom or Megs and saying "watch Scrubs. Brendan Fraser is Brady!!!" except that I just KNEW, CRAP, he is TOO much like him, I bet he dies. And then he did. And I CRIED. I cried watching SCRUBS. Scrubs?! How lame is THAT?! It is a comedy! A funny one! Hence calling it a comedy... yeah. I am an idiot. SIGH.

Scrubs made me cry. But no. I refuse that answer. Brady being dead made me cry. Depression made me cry. Scrubs just happened to have a semi-serious moment at an inopportune time for me. Yeah.

Actually, I think this whole crazy mall shooting thing in Salt Lake, well, when it was happening it just ticked me off because it made me miss 24. (Yes, I am THAT selfish some days). But with the whole Memorial Service stuff for it today, I think it just has me thinking about Brady and 9-11 too much and just... yeah... everything.

But ANYWAY, today I went to to the doctor, Dr. HasaPsychoWife. He's the one that mostly deals with my diabetes and my depression... well, he's the one that isn't the biggest idiot anyway. He switched me from Glipizide to Actos for my diabetes, and after doing one of those dumb, long, "I want to curl up and die a) never b) rarely c) sometimes d) frequently e) always" questionnaires ("I'm an 8... Moooooorphiiiine!") also switched me BACK to Celexa instead of Lexapro and gave me a referral to a psychologist which is good since I have been needing one and so we will see how that all goes.

Anyway, then I *did* go to water aerobics like I promised at least so, hey, one triumph at least. After that I came home mixed up this month's BML for my gliders, watched The Office... and Scrubs... and laughed at both, naturally. Especially Jim turning into a vampire. And that bat was way too cute. I want a bat.... but my gliders are close enough. And I should go feed them now.

It's just been one of those days.

OH p.s. I am seriously applying for a position to develop the youth program at TGP. I'd be writing curriculum, filling in for tech support, helping tour guides, teaching, and, yes, probably end up taking care of hurt bunnies and cows and stuff!!! And dinosaurs! Not hurt ones... I mean I would be near the museum and I love that place. AND I would be working under my sister. But still, it would be a good job for me, if I can get it, and at least I don't apply directly TO my sister... I go to HR... and they report to my sister because she is even higher up dammitall. Sometimes... nevermind... yeah, good for her. She did good. She actually has a career. She has a career and a degree and I have scars and pills. ANYWAY, I still want the job. And, one positive of having Rinny for a boss is she actually IS good about changing schedules around to fit things... not just for family, I mean for all of her employees. Yeah. So it would be good. So I am applying and I hope I get it... I think.