But sometimes seeing bright spots just means you are having a stroke or something...

You know how Friday was the 13th? Well, it has kind of, like, STUCK or something.

I know, I am not technically superstitious. However, this week has just been sort of pissing me off, and this weekend was the poisoned icing on the poop flavored cake. First of all, I am a nerd. I don't think anyone really denies that. Unfortunately I am just a NERD, not a smart geek, so that means I like/depend on/LIVE on the computer but without the skills to fix stuff. So when I suddenly had no service starting, like Thursday I think it was, I got more than a little panicked. However, I am also working like crazy with day camps so I don't get HOME during very convenient "trouble shooting hours." So I have not had access to the net for DAYS and FINALLY get on the phone with "Ted" from Qwest Customer Quick Care Technical Support because that is what my computer diagnoser thingy said to do. (I am PRETTY sure Ted is NOT her real name, but I think she should have had a little more guidance on picking a pseudonym for talking to American customers so that she didn't have a weird BOY name, but that isn't the point.) She didn't find out much, after being on the phone with me for about half an hour, but some of that was probably... ummm... communication difficulties.

I really REALLY hate this about myself but I become a little more racist every time I have to talk to customer support. It's not their fault. Companies make the decision to outsource like that. But it is just really really frustrating.

Anyway, it ended with Ted saying she would send me out a technician the next day (today... Sunday) and that if they just checked outside the house and found the solution it would cost me nothing. But that if he needed to come in, it would be my decision, but it would be 90-100 bucks. I didn't really want to skip church for this, and was feeling guilty so I asked when it would be. She said she would check and then came back to tell me it would be between 8 am and 5 pm. Okay, to ME, THAT is not a TIME. That is a WORK DAY. But I am desperate. So, sinner that I am, today I stayed home from Church today with a sick... COMPUTER.

At least the Technician guy was really nice when he got there. But wasn't able to fix it. And then HE called tech support (and had to call the same number... how is THAT fair) and it SOUNDED like HE had to talk to Ted. And he got off the phone very frustrated as well. But at least he seemed like he really did do his best. (but DID come inside, and so I admit I may throw a fit if I get charged $100 for that...) But in the end they said it was a problem with my OTHER ISP actually BLOCKING me. (Net[Worst-in-the]World) My guess is that my subscription is up. But that they only have said so via email... THEIR email... that I have never used and can't check as it has never worked. And all their tech support, customer support, EVERYTHING... is closed except Monday through Friday from 9 to 5. When *I'm* at work. Which since I assume they want me AT the computer at the time, I can't really do on a break.

So, yeah. Kinda screwed.

Also, personally. I am worried. I am worried that "trying harder" just will not be enough. And that I am going to lose Fresno. I haven't heard from him in AWHILE and it is making me nervous. We may have talked a short time Wednesday, I think. But on Friday I called and left a message he never returned. Saturday I sent a Text. Today I will (finally (dumb internet. Not FIXED but now I am at the padres for a bit)) email. And call again.

The thing that ticks me off is that NORMALLY I would SO not consider a few DAYS reason to worry. Except that HE does. And that after breaking up, well, I am a little gun shy.

Also because I have recently been worried about "us" anyway. And feeling the whole hopeless "what is the point, he is going to eventually decide he's fed up with me anyway" feeling. I have been feeling that lately even WHEN things are supposedly good. So when things AREN'T for sure it intensifies. I don't know that it's a premonition or the Depression... or something in the middle. But that's what's up with me and Fresno right now.

On the other hand, last night I had a really FUN dream with him in it. It was really sad to wake up. SIGH.

Another thing that, even though this is really REALLY stupid, has my heart on edge is that my friend Pepper's little sister just sent me a wedding invite. That's not the reason (even though sometimes those DO make you a little more heartsick), though. This is dumb, but it's the picture that is bringing up a lot of stressful memories. Her fiance looks like TexasBoy. EXACTLY like him. I do NOT miss him... but seeing "him" makes me all scared that Fresno will become like him to some... to ANY... extent. I know that is neither logical nor fair to Fresno. But it is what pops into my head when I look at that stupid wedding announcement. SIGH. STUPID STUPID STUPID.

At least Threadless ROCKS. Just FYI.

There WERE BRIGHT SPOTS however, and I kind of have been forgetting them. For one thing CC is so awesome she actually came down to help me cut 100 yarn manes and tie 1oo rope bridles for 100 stick horses to be made for Family Night at the Farm this Monday. I am skipping it (got a sub. The new girl, BoPeep, who, I am ashamed to say has NO idea of the hell she is in for with this particular activity...) to go to my Family Reunion and (hopefully) go river rafting (just tubing, really) with Squall and any other relatives that aren't pissing me off at the moment. RINNY will ALSO be missing work that day... but for a long day of FILMING with Kirby Heyborne in the Dirty Little Secret and HOPEFULLY come up to the reunion for a LITTLE to rescue me. We'll see.

CC and I talked and tied and cut (and complained about how things SHOULD be run but aren't) and sat until we had done ALL the bridles and almost all the manes and the farm was closed for the day. Anyway for CC's AWESOME service to TGP and mostly Me I treated her to a movie and we went shopping in AF and she bought Old Navy shirts and tried to talk me into it, too. I would have. They WERE cute. I just wish the places they were slightly tightish were because I was "broad where a broad should be broad" but they aren't. I felt way not cute enough for that store. (their REAL plus size stuff has been moved EXCLUSIVELY online. SIGH.)

Maybe someday.

But we went to Ratatouille and it was SO FUN! Funny and very well done and just GOOD! BRAVO, Brad Bird!

GO SEE RATATOUILLE. If you have any sense of humor, chances are, you will love it. It is excellent. Well, in my opinion anyway. Hee hee hee!

Aaaand as much as I hate to leave net access again and go home to my messy house to clean it and stuff, my Padre and I are NOT getting along right now (me being here all day is not helping) and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Sometimes.

At least between dads and daughters who sometimes can't stand each other. SIGH.

Tah! :OP

To Cheer You

I've been busy so I haven't blogged for most of this week. So, some updates...

1. The next day at work, I got THESE...

Dang it all, when Fresno complains he complains with flair! However, am I the only one who thinks "to cheer you" is a rather awkwardly formal phrase? It reminds me of a bad translation or something.

2. I have such awesome friends. I got to go to the temple with Mali for the first time. Jessi did too and we sat together! (The other person in the photo's is Mali's other good friend, who I did not know.) Yay for friends! Yay for the Temple!!!!

I was very proud of Mali; she did great, even under... ummm... EXTERNAL stress.

3. Work has been more than a little INSANE. See, I an technically part-time. But I have often worked 8:30am-7pm. with out a lunch... well, I mean I EAT... Diabetes sort of dictates that... but usually I don't stop working I just drink a SlimFast or eat a FiberOne Chocolate and Oats bar (THEY ARE SO YUMMY) from my pocket while working. But the thing is the work isn't regular, so I have to grab hours when they come. I might work 5 10 hour days and then have a week of 2 hour days. But so far, that just hasn't happened as it is our busy time. So I work a LOT. It is very physical work, too... but actually I really prefer that. You can see results, you know? When you are on the phone doing customer service, you may never really feel satisfied. But when you have to jump in a pen to catch a goat, you KNOW whether you have succeeded or not. When a child is crying and you cheer them up ("to cheer you" Ha!) you know you've done well. Even working in the office I pour over the core curriculum trying to develop an education program for the dinosaur museum, well it is a major challenge of intellect, focus and creativity. It is EXTREMELY hard work sometimes. Every muscle hurts, every nerve is frazzled... but you feel good about what you did.

So far, even though sometimes I feel like crying (and, like when a big fence slammed on my hand, I DO cry), I have to say I LOVE THIS JOB. How many times have I been able to say that? I only make 7 dollars an hour for a job that anywhere outside the Not-for-Profit sector should make at least twice that plus benefits. But I can honestly say that I love TGP. I love the children, the animals, the gardens, the art projects, the dinosaurs, the ever changing duties that help me never, ever bored.

And as for the hardness of the work, well, we always joke about how great it is to work somewhere with such a large fitness facility. We have cardio (keeping up with 7th graders in TLC from building to building), weights (picking up lambs to children can pet them, lifting up the CHILDREN to they can pet the bunnies, harnessing hateful ponies) and flexibility (climbing over the goat's fence, reaching for craft supplies on the top shelf of the storage room). Hee hee hee!

However, some days are just... AAARGH...

4. I am not ACTUALLY superstitious... usually. But holy CRAP what a Friday the 13th!!!!! First of all, I was supposed to be shadowing. Not in charge of a group, just helping. But Neither Rerun (a 20 year old who seems like a 12 year old. He is VERY flaky and has, on more than one occasion completely stopped working when Rinny has left the office. He'll make long distance calls on the company phone, play Sudoku online, etc. But of course, Rinny doesn't have the guts to FIRE him.) nor Milestoner (she was hired with me, and at the point she seemed awesome. NOW, not so much) SHOWED UP for their shifts.

Actually, that's not quite true. I was covering for Rerun on a particularly CRAZY field trip. Rinny, who was not supposed to be running a trip either, but rather in managerial meetings with the PRESIDENT (of TGP... not George W. Bush... or Gordon B. Hinckley) was covering for Milestoner. The others (who were actually DOING their jobs) were CrazyConnie, Boston, and GrandmaBetsy. Anyway, we were all running around like crazy trying to keep things under control and I could have SWORN I saw Rerun. I squinted and waved to him to come over and take his class but he ducked out so I assumed it WASN'T him. I fumbled through the field trip... it was a grade I didn't know the lesson for as I hadn't shadowed it before, but I survived (barely.). Finally, Rerun showed up to do his damn JOB and we were able to get things going a LITTLE better and Rinny was able to meet with the BigWigs.

Our Farm Manager, Mac, is AWESOME. He's a cowboy and knows his stuff, and is also a thoroughly likable person. He is also quitting to run his landscape business. We will miss him terribly. And part of the reason for BigWigs being down to the farm was to talk about his replacement. Several of the Farmhands wanted RINNY to take over. Run Education AND the Farm. She would not do well, but she's do better than who they GOT.

There is really only ONE person at TGP that Rinny can NOT get along with at ALL and that is SGary. He runs the museum, is a cocky jerk, and is 100% businessman. The only thing important to him is his museum and MONEY. The Museum is the ONLY part of TGP that makes enough to break even. Everything else only stays afloat because of our benefactors, the Ashtons. So, yes, SGary has room to brag. BUT he is a JERK about it, hates the education department, kids, messiness. And GUESS who they put in charge of the FARM now, too?!

[NOTE: NONE of this has been officially ANNOUNCED yet, so I shouldn't be saying anything. But I figure none of you care/know these people and so I won't get in trouble. So I vent.]

I can see 2 possible outcomes to this decision. 1. SGary never comes down to our smelly, kid-filled, non-money-making farm and maybe eventually closes it. 2. He raises the admission price to something like the museum's and we become a little ghost town as NOBODY will pay 8 bucks to ride ponies and pet cows. Oh, and Rinny has a freaking Breakdown. When the CEO told her who's be running the farm, she handled it pretty well... she waited till he left before bawling. She HATES SGary. Mind you, we are not UNDER him... he's not HER boss. Education is it's own entity, and RINNY is OUR boss. But she will be working WITH him. And we need his help. We already have a devil of a time getting his cooperation with the museum activities. Now he will lord over the FARM too.

He will be HILARIOUS if he ever COMES to the farm though. In his suoit and being all stuck up, I can just picture him buying our new COWS like Mac did. *rolls eyes* GEEZ.

What a day. OH and eventually Rerun admitted to Rinny he HAD been here. "So, wanna hear a funny story?"

"Does it involve where you were during your shift?"

"Yeah, ummm, it's funny! I read the 2nd page of the schedule but not the first so I thought there was nothing until 12."

"Huh."

"And I came in early to do some stuff in the office [In other words he clocked in to "work" on the computer but 10 bucks says he just read email and played Sudoku] but then I saw a big group of kids on the wagon ride and thought 'I wonder if that's a field trip?' and then... ummm... I saw [Kipluck] leading a field trip[I knew it!]... so I sort of hid in the office for awhile."

"When you saw [Kipluck], why didn't you go relieve her?"

"Ummm... well... she looked busy."

UMMM... DUH?! Grrrrr! Idiot.

Those field trips were crazy, too. I LOVE how IMPRESSIONABLE kids are! We were on the wagon ride and one little 1st grader started BAWLING. I went to sit with him and asked what was wrong.

He wailed, "I jus' miss my Mom and Dad!"

"Oh, but guess what? I bet they will LOVE to here about your day! You can tell them about petting to horses and seeing the chickens with their eggs and petting those bunnies."

*sniffle* "Yeah..."

"They will be SO jealous because this is so much fun!"

"Yeah. [still bawling] This is so much fun." HA!

Then he smiled, wiped his eyes, and was fine the whole time! At the end of the ride, I said "I am so proud of you." Then another little boy told him "You were crying at the first." and the first little boy's lip started quivering, so I quickly said "Yes, but now he is so brave!"

The second little boy said "yeah, he's SO BRAVE!" with a sigh of freaking ADMIRATION! And the 1st smiled again! MY POWER OF SUGGESTION IS MAGICAL!!! Kids are AWESOME.

I also went to the doctor after work. I got some new meds and an appointment with a psychiatrist. SIGH.

"But that's Bigamy!" "No, that's Big o' ME!"

Well, Yesterday was very VERY Friday the 13th-ish I must say. I fell asleep crying and didn't write so I will recap now.

First of all, I had another visit with my neurologist because some test results were in and my headache was off the charts.

So, I have sleep apnea (kel surprise *rolling eyes*) and will be going in for the dreaded overnight in the center test on Wednesday. But it IS likely a major contributer to my headaches and insomnia because I don't breath and therefore don't sleep.

I also have 3 small milky lesions on my brain. They are "probably nothing, but we'd like to investigate further." (doctor speak for 'Be careful, this chick has panic attacks and will freak out') (p.s. If I could I would post my MRI (I didn't... those ones I used to illustrate in a past post were just a random GoogleImage, you know?) but I don't HAVE it, the doctors do.)

Hey, Dr. Euphemism! Lesions are not nothing. Nothing in my brain is nothing. My brain is important to me. Pretty much my favorite part. The rest of me can't play Scrabble or read Elizabeth Bishop. Don't feed me crap and tell me it's chocolate. I can taste the difference.

So... yeah. Tests, tests, and more TESTS. Sigh.

I am feeling so... just ILL right now... and it has little to do with the thought of eating crap. Just the thought of my medical reality... and the actuality of my regular "breakfast" of 8 pills swimming around in my stomach.

The thing of it is not only was Friday the 13th hard on my brain, but it sure did a number on my heart.

The saga of the TexasBoy just got more... complicated.... Timing-wise.

Back story: Right after Katrina, there was Rita that pummeled my mission... and the location of TexasBoy and so I was just freaking out here in Utah (during Meg and Jake's wedding actually) with each sporadic text of update to here about his safety and I get a text that he had been evacuated and that, I think was the last I heard before nothing. So there was a time before finding out he was SAFE (and on LinkUp) that I wasn't feeling hurt... I was terrified that he had died or something.

But it turns out it was THEN, during Rita, he had been falling in love with the girl he eventually married. I feel like I was cheated on... what I wasn't. We weren't exclusive. We weren't even living in the same state. We were best friends. He could have told me. He should have told me. I would have cried... but he would never have known that. I would have told him how happy I was for him. I would have sent them a gift, a good one.

I think I loved him.

I would have pretended to be happy for him... I feel almost like I still have to... like I have to be happy because he is happy and proud of him for finding someone for eternity but all the while feeling so sad, sick, angry, hurt, ripped open, and torn to bits. My heart is motion sick.

And now it is today. I'm a little annoyed at my ward and need to talk to my Bishop but that needs to come, well, LATER.

Spencer came over with a video tape of The Office and we laughed really really hard "...and another guy came and kicked my soul in the groin..." and that rocked. I LOVE my baby bro... and The Office. *snort* hee hee!

And then I decided to face my "demon" of the day...

The fun.y thing about the whole "writing a letter" for closure idea is that I did it. I wrote one some time back. I wrote a big "you should have said good bye, you big ass." That should have done it. But it didn't. Will a "congratulations on you blushing bride... you still should have said good bye, you big ass." do it?

Hope so.

Because I just DID. *gulp*








And I don't need him in my head when I am talking about Reno and Pumpkin Pancakes with someone else. <:O) SIGH!

Counting Down to The End!

Beatrice Letters comes out 5 September and Book the 13th, The End of the series is 13 October... I am so excited. (Yes, I admit I am addicted to a children's series.)