remembering "Frannie"

Memorial Day is a day to remember those who have died, and I know it's mostly supposed to be for those who have served the country, but it's... expanded, I suppose. A day to remember anyone we have lost.

Sunday I somehow ended up mostly talking about and thinking about Brady. Mom and I somehow got on to 9-11 from NOTHING about Memorial Day on our way to church, which of course turned into "how I felt that day" and missing my cousin a lot. Ended up crying on the way into church, which did NOT help my headache (but then the opening HYMN was too LOUD for me (that is how messed up my head is right now). That was hard.

Another who I felt like crying over, though I don't KNOW them, is the story of 2nd Lieutenant John Alley. Following it, joining the "Find him" group on Facebook... watching news stories and feeling sick along with this family I do not know. Why does it affect ME so much? I do not know. I don't know them. But my heart breaks for them. And I hurt so much inside the more I hear about John's state of mind. I am praying for them.

But the main one I am trying to remember is more of a funny one than something so sad. A few days ago, a lady wrote my mom to ask for information about my grandpa's death so she could better date a letter she had found. It was a letter HER mother had written to my grandma but apparently never sent some 20 years ago at least... but about an earlier TIME when my Grandma was going to nursing school, starting just after high school. The things she mentions are hilarious, and I like the way her friend "Ruth" writes. It is so cool picturing my grandma so... almost Anne Shirley-ish!
(p.s. "Bus" was my grampa... but Ruth calls him Buzz in here)

Dearest Frannie,

Remembering back thru all the years we have known each other reminds me of Charles Dickens “It was the worst of all times and the best of all times.”

Possibly the memories that are so vivid to me you may have long forgotten, but perhaps in recalling them you may know once more the carefree happiness and, yes, even some despair of those years long past.

Do you remember:

When we checked in at the nurse’s home and fussy little Mrs. Battan (?) briefed us on the do’s and don’t’s of our new home in the little room top floor on the southwest wing?

How we could hardly wait to graduate from our stripped crab-blue dresses to the full skirted uniforms with white bibs and aprons only to have a new style pain straight white uniform when that day finally arrived?

The morning at Devotional when I was called on to pray and stood mute and absolutely petrified and you calmly proceeded to offer the prayer and no one even realized that it was you, not me?

The long hard hours we worked with the fear of dismissal always hanging over our heads like a sword of Damocles?

The days we walked up to the U. (University of Utah) to afternoon classes and home again – absolutely famished – even cafeteria food was delicious.

You getting scarlet fever and all our class sent home early for Christmas vacation – just as if you had done something very naughty and we were all being punished!

The nice boys you introduced me to – how happy Turp and I were for awhile and what fun we had dating together and separately with other boys?

The day I was called off duty to the nurse’s home and my Aunt and Uncle told me my brother Jack had died. – scarlet fever and pneumonia and only my youngest brother to comfort him. We went out with Turp and Ray after the funeral – Did my relatives think it heartless of me – somehow I felt deserted and that I was the only one who truly mourned for him.

The beautiful summer nights when we slept out on the screened porch at our cottage – how many cots in a row!!

The night Sally wrestled someone’s date to the floor (was it yours?) in the front room of the nursing home. Horror of horrors and where was Mrs. Duke?

Also the evening she dumped me in a bath tub full of water and me fully clothed and the house mother scolding you for all the commotion.

The psychology class directly after lunch in the sunroom on the top floor of the hospital and everyone trying desperately to stay awake. I got my lowest grade in that class.

Finally, graduation night, new uniforms, a stripe on our caps and a bouquet or roses. No one from my family came. I felt so badly I don’t even remember but surely your family was there. I went with Allan afterward – where I no longer remember.

Then I was married and you went to Heber to work and we slowly drifted apart. Strange that as close as we were I don’t believe we ever wrote to each other.

Then Buzz came home and you were married – remember the reception at the old Jensen home?

Several of us were at your little house for a party (I believe before Kay was born) and were fooling around with table tipping.

I will never forget you and Buzz taking my children and me into your home for a week after Laurie’s birth when I was so depressed life itself seemed useless. How did you manage I wonder?

Again when I left Allan and came home from California you and Buzz gave of your comfort and strength and helped me start over.

I think of you often and wonder why we never made more effort to talk to each other or visit together (both of us so caught up in our family and work, I suppose) but some how I always feel close to you and when we do meet it is as if no time has passed and we are the same young carefree girls of the long ago golden days.

God be with you, Frannie dear, and bless you and Buzz with joy and happiness for all your lives.

I giggled at Grandma as a young nurse saying the prayer instead of her terrified friend and since everyone's eyes were closed, nobody knowing. I felt so bad thinking of friends that close drifting apart, knowing I do that even to my closest friend... pushing them away even, ESPECIALLY when I am saddest and probably need them most.

It also renewed my resolve to someday write a historical fiction about her as a kid; Grandma, I mean. Grandma as a little girl growing up with an abusive father and her mother dying from blood poisoning all during the Great Depression. Doing the crazy things she did. And now, standing in and praying for a stage-fright afflicted friend. But I will just cram all the stories together. Someday.

Because my grandma was, if nothing else, a CHARACTER.

Consider the Zombies

FINALLY, BoyKid was able to call the fam! It was so great to hear from him. He told very funny stories (including one guy who said he preferred churches that prayed "AGGRESSIVELY" and they were pretty scared about what that might mean. (Personally, I pictured something like this.) Hee hee!) and as usual just blew me away with his freaking RIGHTEOUSNESS. SERIOUSLY, he is just. so. GOOD. It's kind of creepy! Where did all this celestivity come from anyway? And it's not SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS, either, like, umm, other often very churchy siblings I have can be. He is still funny and nice and awesome! AND perfect. How the heck did THAT happen? And how is it that after being such a bratty little child who I could hardly stand as a baby, I actually LIKE my brother? That I like hanging out with him? That he has become my FRIEND that I would like even if we weren't related? CRAZY! Who LIKES their little brother? But mine freaking ROCKS! Man, I miss him!

I should actually WRITE him on occasion, I suppose. hee hee! I have been sucking at that as of late.

In other news, I reorganized my blog a little and am working on a little clarification post. But one of the things I did was change the post topic list from alphabetical to Frequency of Mentioning. It made me discover a few things.
Like that I seem freaking OBSESSED with Fresno.
And that this Blog is mostly about Depression.
And that I need to talk more about Zombies. I would hate to slight zombies, you know.

Yesterday I went with my mom to Sandy and she went to the Cemetary to put mums on Grandma's and Grandpa's graves for Memorial Day and dropped me off at Jake and Megs. YAY!!! I so *heart* Megs! Jakey too. He is one of my favorite husbands. (you know... hubby of my friends, hubbys, in general. Not of MINE. As I don't HAVE one.) They were making me giggle lots. They told me funny stories about the boys, too. Oh, and T-La now has a BLOG, so now I am going to read about those crazy kids, too! Because I love those kiddlets!

I have missed Megan! The coolest thing, though, is that the Moms are trying to organize a little plan (mostly, I think, to keep watch over their troubled daughters... ie: me and Megs) where once a month we ALL... Mom, Padre, Rinny, Me, Megs, Jakey, T-La, Les, Gabe, Caleb, Eli, Aunt Clare, and Uncle Lynn... have Sunday dinner together! YAY! I think it's a very good plan. Just because it means seeing Megs and the little boys at least once a month. Good plan! Wheee!

So, I have to admit it is not just the blog reorganization that brings up Fresno in my mind. That happens more than I am comfortable with. My brain sucks. Grrr. Anyway, the thing is his birthday is the first, and I remembered that recently and wanted to kick myself for even knowing that anymore, you know? Plus, it's hard not to feel old when most of my friends are suddenly expecting their 2nd or 3rd child and my cousin's KIDS are having bridal showers. And pretty much the extent of my talking to that are not married dads taking kids to our classes at the museum are the parade of semi-literate Nigerians that won't stop senselessly falling for me me on SS (which, btw, is For Sale! Anybody COOL (and rich?Like a Thousand-aire?!) wanna buy a dating site that used to be my main social life?). At least they write me gems like this:

"You’re as beautiful as an angel in the sky. I can imagine how pretty and gorgeous you were in your flower age."

Whiskey Tango... I AM ONLY 29! How long ago WAS my Flower Age anyway?

I AM writing regularly to a hilarious intelligent literate non-Nigerian on OKCupid. Mostly about things like Underoos, tinfoil hats, and putting the Ninja Turtles on the endangered species list. THAT is some funny stuff. Very funny boy. Too bad he's not also very Mormon. (As in, well, he ISN'T Mormon.). hee hee. Ah well, such is life.

Anyway, it's nice to have funny people to talk to when I actually DO. Mostly, lately I am either at work writing curriculum for our upcoming day camps or playing with goats or at a doctor's appointment, or laying down in a dark room, doped up, and wishing my head would just DISAPPEAR. Sure, I'd look a little funny decapitated but not having a headache might be worth it.

Umm... Zombies!

Grandma, are you haunting Aunt Margaret?

Today I spent a large amount of time tying yarn necklaces. BORING. But the TRAFFIC, both to and from, was so AWFUL I spent two 15 minute commutes with 2 1/2 hours on the road! ARRRGH! Yeah, it was TERRIBLE.

So, my Great Aunt Margaret just won a HUGE contest, you may have even heard it on the news (because *I* just saw it on the news the other night). It was a Delta thing called the SiteSeer Challenge where they filmed their vacations and now they get to travel even MORE. I don't know if anyone has been following it. I was oblivious, but my mom has been voting like crazy of course. My mom was excited but told me she feels a little bad because "Oh, Grandma would be so mad."

"That they won?!"

It seems Grandma was always really ticked at her sister and brother-in-law because "they don't need to be traipsing all over the world like that!" although I am pretty sure that is the sister she went to Egypt with. But she always thought Margaret was really frivolous for traveling like that.

And now, well, they WON for doing so, and they are going to do it even more with the miles they won! HA! Neener neener.

Not that Grandma cares now, I mean they are probably pretty busy in Heaven doing... heaven... stuff.

I dunno. It IS Grandma. Maybe she IS still ticked. And HAUNTING the Waterfalls. I wouldn't put it past her.

Happy birthday Dear dear dear dear dear Padre (See? 5 Deers! HA!)

This is going to be a very illustrated entry because I was a little camera happy yesterday.

Remember how Padre's side had THEIR family reunion a while ago? Well, this month it was Mom's side's turn! However, it was also Padre's birthday yesterday. So, basically, a whole lotta family. So I went over, first to the Padre's before we were to go to the Asian Buffet, Padre's favorite place where we go for EVERY birthday, whether the birthday person wants it or not!

It's tradition... or whatever. Anyway, I actually LIKE the Asian, so I am good with it. Rinny is the only one who does not, but she's not so much a fan of FOOD so, yeah.

Anyway, I went to the Padre's and checked on our deer. ALL 4 TWINS were out there! Only GrayNeck, though, the mother of the 2 older set (including the one that has a bad leg who I call Fred), was with the babies. Anastasia/SkinnyMom is a MEAN little doe. I watched her brutally attack Fred because he got too close to her. Those 4 are all such good friends. They are always together, but the moms get annoyed. But SkinnyMom was just MEAN... really hurt Fred, badly. But GrayNeck, even she gets annoyed when (because SkinnyMom isn't as attentive to the feeding of her twins as GrayNeck is) the OTHER twins try to nurse off her too! But at least she just shoos them, instead of crippling them. (Sorry, I am still pissed at SkinnyMom.)
This is Fred only 2 weeks ago...
And with his twin (either George or Hope, depending on the sex, really, but basically GN's other twin)...
And look at him now, he is getting so big! In just 2 weeks!

Maybe eventually he will grow into his EARS.

Anyway, then we went to dinner for dad. So dinner was good... and kind of interesting, too! Because we were next to a table of all deaf guys and so I was doing some major eaves dropping on their signing and it was reminding me I should practice more.*



*meaning, ummm, at ALL. Yeah. I suck.

We got to the park in Centerville and then it was just random kid craziness. My cousin, the Zoobies, Jamie and her husband the Inventor have a ton of kiddlets. Me and Rinny used to be their regular sitters. The oldest ones grew up with us. And now they are just SO OLD! The funny thing is that "BabySarah", who is not a baby, nor the youngest anymore, just can NOT remember us, I am SURE! Because I stopped tending so much before BabySarah was even born. I think maybe a few times, but she was an infant.
Stephen and Hailey know us... Even Tristen was too little. However, BabySarah has decided that she not only remembers me but LOVES ME TO BITS. I am suddenly her favorite cousin. It is so random. She is a cutey, though.

Here she is, with the next youngest of the Zoobie brood, telling me about catching water skeeters.
What was SUPER funny, though, was when Rinny was laying on the grass (talking to Potato Head, one of her boys) and Caleb (T-La's #2), UNCOACHED walked up to her and said "Stay right there, okay?" and then found a balloon that was going to be used for a game and about dropped it right on her head with his perfect wicked giggle. IT WAS AWESOME. She seriously screamed and I was overjoyed to capture the moment of evil baby prowess on camera.
Well, that just got all 3 of T-La's boys involved, which was pretty adorable and funny (that being the 2 most perfect descriptions OF T-La's boys, along with "TROUBLE") and totally Slide Show-able!

But there really are other kids in the world besides T-La's. Because ALL of my cousins but me and MY sybs pop out kids like Pez. And all of my Aunts and Uncles (except Shy, obviously) have children. Plus, there are Dogs. hee hee!

Okay, and I swear Sandy looks EXACTLY the same as her daughter EXACTLY. She also just had another baby, a very tiny boy, just this month. I'm not even sure SHE knows who his dad is, though. She is not, what you would call STABLE.

And then there was the TALENT SHOW. That's right, our family had a talent show. Most was pretty painful to watch, some was actually really impressive. One of my cousin's kids is a CONTORTIONIST! AWESOME! I didn't get any pictures of that, though. Or about 5 separate teenage girls looking like they belong on a pole during their dances (with various aunts and uncles exchanging very stressed out looks). But here are a few highlights!

Anyway, other than that, we had a little program about Grandma and remembered her. We also talked about Grandpa and other memories. AND all of Grandma's kids and grandkids got a binder with little genealogy things, old letters, and a CD of old pictures! AND a coin from grandpa's collection.

I actually COLLECT coins and so that was super exciting to me. I like having a connection with Grandpa. I was young when he died. It is a 1954 half-dollar. That is the year my mom was born. It's not really WORTH anything... about 3-4 dollars... but it meant a lot to me.

Some not so swell things about the reunion...

Megs and Jake did not come. I called and called Megs. She isn't answering right now. I know the feeling. I really understand not coming either.
But I miss her so much.
And I wanted so badly to see her.

Seeing Carson... and Reagan... with no Brady in between just really made it hard not to think about losing him on 9-11. It just felt so sad and weird. Grandma too. To not have her here. I mean, I know they are there in spirit and all that, but it felt... lonely.

And being lonely about THAT made me lonely about other... non-family people... who wouldn't have been there anyway, but...
maybe someday would have.
You know?

Yeah. Sometimes things suck. BUT IN GENERAL, it was a good-ish reunion.

Also Aunt Clare kind of roped me into helping her teach some sign to her class in church next weekend. I am actually a little terrified. But I was won over, mostly, because she said "and after the meeting Megs and Jake will come over and we can all eat together." So I said yes and I better get practicing, even if it IS just for kids.

Skittles Porn... Stat!

So, in a desperate attempt for feedback(?) I decided to add a tracker thingy. I added ShinyStat and SiteMeter... but I think I like Shiny better. Mostly because apparently you can find out what people Googled and found you. Which is REALLY REALLY amusing.

Here are a few of my favorite... my VERY favorites are BOLDED.

can i wax the day for my plane ride
[I... don't know?]

celexa and fresca

chump band mormon

do skittles have pork in it
[this came up, in variously worded ways, at least 5 times]

fluoroscopy, porn photography
[why are those 2 things TOGETHER?!]

girl real estate in utah
["the thing is, we are really looking for a cootie-less property, so we have to be specific..."]

good card for grandma that's sick
[is grandma sick? Or are you trying to find her a vulgar card?]

jesus christ's life in biodata form
[I think *I* may Google this now. Because they sure didn't find the answer on my site.]

just another manic
[So, SO true...]

lesbian pics skittles
[well SURE...]

putting dry ice in a swamp cooler
[SOUNDS LIKE FUN!!! And sounds like something that would get us EVICTED, but still... FUN! Till we got evicted!]

ronald baker solicitors
[Because yes. I mess with minds.]

skittles scripture
[whoever searched for this contact me. I know a whole object lesson about tithing with Skittles!]

sugar glider myths
[like, the sugar glidalope or the vanishing hitchhiking glider?
"And that's supposed to be true!" (Mali, that was for you!)]

vytorin cause weight loss?
[No.]

[and possibly the most revealing of all...]
you talk too much

Farewell Sweet Suzy and Windmill Punch

My mom is visiting my grandpa's grave today. OH. And GRANDMA'S. That's just... weird. I still forget she's dead. Grandpa B., well, he died when I was still little. But Grandma, I still expect her to, like, come to family stuff. Anyway, what am *I* doing this fine Memorial Day to remember those who have died? NOTHING.

Well, that's not QUITE true. I am watching a MASH marathon and eating soup and taking pills and playing with the parrots. And we have a flag in our yard (because we gave a donation to the Boy Scouts.).

I was so annoyed when I called in sick this morning, though. Rinny said, "Oh, I was going to give everyone the day off for Memorial Day anyway. TGP's open, but USU Extensions is closed." CRAP!
"Okay, that just sucks."
"Why?"
"If I wasn't sick I could totally go to Ikea with [CC]!"
"Oh, I am sorry I forgot to tell you!"
"Well, I couldn't ACTUALLY decided not to have this... whatever it is... anyway."
"Oh, right."

As for what it is, apparently it is a sinus infection and MAYBE Bronchitis! UGH! That MUST be gone mid-week! I am busy this weekend damnitall I do NOT have time to be ill! I am poisoning this Cold tout suite! Azithromycin, Cold Eeze, echinacea, Airborne, Vitamin C, Mucinex, Sudafed and more chicken soup than anyone person should consume. BLEH.

Oh, and of course, lots and lots of "clear liquids" even though I am SO sick of water and anything that either has sugar or fizzes makes me cough. Double Bleh.

Random tangent (Ha! As if everything I SAY isn't just a squiggling bundle of random tangents?) sometimes I call water Windmill Punch. Not ALWAYS, but sometimes it pops out as if is the most normal thing in the world. In Texas we got our water from these water filter thingies... big bottled water refill stations in parking lots shaped like windmills. This old man we taught used to call water Windmill Punch because of that. And sometimes I forget WHY and just think filtered water is called Windmill Punch by normal people. I was thinking that today.

And yes, apparently I am so boring today that I am talking about WATER.

It is gross and muggy in my house today. I am NOT looking forward to the summer making things even HOTTER. Watering the gardens is a pain, too. I am in charge of the gardens this weekend, as well as bird-sitting, but I REALLY don't mind considering the Roomie will tend MY furbabies while I'm in California (where they are illegal. Grrrr.) The Roomie is camping out in Kanab, taking our little Suzy Sparrow on the first leg of her journey to her new Mama, who lives in Illinois! But before she heads east she will get some paper work and more veterinary care at the very awesome Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. I have worked with them before and getting Suzy "in" was a GREAT blessing. But still, even though we haven't had Suzy very long and are so proud of how much better she is doing now, we will MISS HER!

However, yeah, it's getting warm. And I feel crappy. So, BAD combo. Maybe I'll watch something cold. March of the Penguins, maybe? And I am going downstairs where I will not roast as much for a bit. Maybe I will do some more laundry, too, and at least ATTEMPT to scale Mount Washmore and do some Flying (15 minutes at a time, right?!)!

I NEED SOME PRODUCTIVITY!!! Tomorrow, I MAY be able to get away with another sick day if it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY (but mostly because my sister/boss is a hypochondriac and major germophobic and is scared I'm going to make her sick) but Wednesday is UNDEBATABLE. That's Robotics Camp training! And Thursday is a big training day, too, and THEN I FLY! (as in, in a plane.... not FlyLady. Just to disambiguate.)

P.S. Is there a tornado coming or something? Because my turtle AND gerbil are both SPAZZING OUT over here! I feel like they need to get out, but I think they spray the lawn and don't want Tortuga touching something he shouldn't. And Boo is a little Houdini, so she can't be in a play pen and doesn't seem to like the hamster ball. She just sits in it and tries to climb up me in it.

And by the way, P.P.S. I am a dork but...

T.G.I.S.

Guess what? I made it to Church! And most of the day was very good, if rather painful. But a BEAUTIFUL day for it. I parked far from the doors of the chapel because the weather was so nice at last! I wore sandals and it just felt so nice walking to the church in without shivering! Sigh! It felt so springy! Thank you, Puxatony Phil! (Though I am sure it is super temporary)

It was a good meeting. It was fast and testimony meeting, which sometimes annoys me, but this time it seemed everyone who shared their feelings about this gospel were sincere at least. And it was just good to be there. For a little while, my head got so bad I couldn't stay sitting and had to leave to lay back in the foyer. I hated that and felt embarrassed, but at least came back for a little after that, though I still hurt so much.

I also made an appointment to talk with the Bishop. I went home, played with the dogs a little, ate some soup, and, as our tradition dictates, watched LHOTP with the Roommate. Then it was time to hurry BACK to the church to talk to the Bishop. We talked about my health a lot, but also about getting my Temple recommend again. Get back going regularly, you know? At least as soon as I can get this head nightmare under control. I don't love this ward. But I am trying. And I DO like the Bishop and trust him. So that is SOMETHING anyway. He also gave me a blessing that the doctors would do a good job tomorrow, and that I would have peace about it. But I am still pretty nervous.

So it is a good Sabbath. Oh, and by the way, I *know* this isn't a normal Sunday. It is SUPER BOWL Sunday! But, well, I am just NOT in the mood for football today. Although, as I was explaining in a recent survey I have recently become much more of a football fan provided the "company" is right. I have always liked football, but am more of a walk in for 2 minutes, catch the score, walk out, etc. type fan. Sort of like Sports ADD. hee hee! But I think I watched an ENTIRE football game for the first time in a few YEARS this year day after Thanksgiving because I happened to be seated closely on the couch next to my SUPER football fan, "Fresno."

But I am not all that footbally when I am here, alone, you know? Plus, well, no team I love. That would make a difference. (Besides that I like COLLEGE ball, not NFL much anyway, but if it must be NFL it is 49ers or Texans... and I don't expect to see them in the Super Bowl anytime soon. Hee hee! But college is better.)

Anyway, I saw a commercial today (NOT a funny "Super Bowl" one, a really lame and sappy Hallmark card one) that showed the EXACT card my grandma sent me for my birthday on my mission that I kept! One that meant a lot to me, and that I hung on my wall here at my house with a turtle planting a tree. The commercial was stupid. But because of how my mission was going at that point, the poem on that silly card, well, it wasn't. And, well, today it also made me miss my grandma.

A Story About You
Who in their life
hasn't planted a peach pit
just hoping that somehow
a seedling would grow?
And then they move on
to some other adventure,
and if it comes up-
well, they don't even know.

That's one way
of picturing your style of living.
You've planted ideas
and dreams unaware.
You've noticed somebody
whose heart needs attention
and planted a positive feeling in there.
It's part of your nature.
You may not remember
the kind and encouraging
things that you've done...

But everywhere,
"peach pits"
are growing like crazy,
and people are blooming.
(I know it-I'm one.)

Thank you, Grandma. It is so weird to think of her being, well, dead. It's bizarre. Also, this may sound mean if you don't know our family, but, it's also kind of bizarre to be MISSING her so much. Not for Mom, obviously. She would miss her mother. But for me. Yeah... but I miss my Grandma today.

I'll tell you one thing about Grandma though, I did NOT get my lack of cleaning from her. She was like a scrub everything from ceiling to floor lady. Though pack rat, well we had that in common. But I didn't have the Great Depression frugality to blame for it... just not so great depression itself. And at least I don't wash, hang and REUSE plastic wrap. (Ew.)

So far, though, our sink is shiny and the kitchen is good in general and I am making headway on the living room. And I plan to do some serious FlyLady stuff this week. I am hoping to at least have the house looking good for Fresno coming. (And, no, I am not trying to trick him... he knows how messy I am. Just hoping he won't drown in clutter while he's here, you know. Though he is sleeping at the padres' not here. But yeah.

Blessings...
Football...
Peach Pits...
Grandma...
Fresno...
Kitchen Sinks...
Sigh. Trying not to think about shots.

BLEH.


Goodnight.