Alone.

Really Scrubs? REALLY?

A guy is dying for the whole show and it ends with Death Cab's Follow You Into the Dark, which is one of the saddest songs in the world to me.


Why should a little Death Cab for Cutie and a Scrubs rerun make me cry?  Because I am just a little... emotional. Emotional and just plain sad.

At the beginning of the week, I came home from a bunch of tests at the hospital to find my little baby Pacman frog, Ms. dead. I cried for a few hours, but felt too crappy to mourn for long.

But the thing is, things got worse, on Tuesday, my uncle died.  Uncle Ken, one of my favorite uncles (I have quite a few. Both my parents are from large families.) has died of cancer. Ken, who is Brady's dad.  It feels so unfair, that they should lose Brady, and then lose Uncle Ken, too.  Of course, they are an incredibly awesome family, and they have a much better attitude than I do.  My cousin, Ryan, posted to Facebook that there must be an awesome reunion going on. He is right, I am sure.  But it is just another example of how great THEY are.

When Brady was killed in 9-11, I was bawling at the funeral.  Brady's wife and Aunt Kay, his mom, both comforted ME.  They earned that grief so much more than me... but they comforted me.  They are such a good example to me.  They do so many good things.

I am not at the funeral.  Mom, Padre, BoyKid, and Rinny are. They are in St. George for the funeral, but I can't do that long of a car ride right now. Still too sick.

So I am here at the house, mostly watching TV, taking care of my pets, and crying at Scrubs.  Also, hurting a lot and wishing the doctors could find me some answers.

I just... argh.

We will miss you Uncle Ken.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Week!

The last couple days have been pretty interesting. Here is a recap filled with thrill! chills! pills!

(Last) Thursday BoyKid tried out for Divine Comedy! We got to watch. Try outs were SO funny to watch.  There were a few people that were not very good at all, but most were VERY funny.  It was stiff competition.  He didn't even make it, and can say with all honesty, BoyKid's song was excellent.  If I can ever convince him to YouTube it, I will post it here.  Better luck next time!

Friday, I had an appointment with Dr. Bones, the specialist at the U of U.  My headaches are still super bad, so he is trying me on a new med, which is so far making me dizzy, nauseous... and feel slightly as if I am having an out of body experience.  This disjointed, out of it experience is very disturbing. Hoping it is one of those side effects that starts bad, but then dwindles after awhile. Because UGH.

Then I did a Critters party. A cute group. The adults were as interested in my presentation as the adults. They asked a million questions. They owned a chinchilla themselves and wanted me to check him out after the party, asked for tips on taming him (they could barely pet him and certainly couldn't hold him like I do Baby Fable), wanted to make sure they had the right set up for him (

they did), and asked about getting him fixed and getting him a friend. 

Saturday I did some quilling for church ladies.  Pretty good ones, I think.

(by the way, Ehu, that one with the quote about being "beautifully made?" The quote is Ola, MyNigerian. Is it any wonder I am still in love with him?)

Sunday was 9/11.That was hard. I think of Brady a lot, but it is hard to have everything rehashed all day on TV and on the internet.  Anyway, I posted about that a bit already.

Monday I sold some roaches to a boy, probably around 13, and his dad. They were really excited. I was pretty excited too because I recently finished The Cockroach Club part of my site!  But the most exciting thing about the day was THE ARRIVAL OF THE MANTIS NYMPHS!!!! 11 teensy tiny mantis babies! They are so so cute!!!

So, all week, Padre has been talking about this "Super Secret Surprise" at 5:00. 1st though, I had story time at the museum.  We read Zack’s Alligator Goes to School by Shirley Mozelle and made clothespin alligators. 

THEN I had a dentist appointment. Bleh.

So, then 5 rolled around and we are headed to Salt Lake!  Then Padre starts singing "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" and we pretty much figured out we were going to Mary Poppins the Broadway musical.  It was really fun.  Before we went to the show we went to dinner at Olive Garden. The Gnocchi soup was very good.  When we were done we had left overs, but Rinny had brought a cooler.  So we were walking back to the car with our food and there was a homeless guy.  I knew my dad would NEVER let us give him money because he might buy drugs or alcohol with it, but I asked if we could give him our left overs. At first he said no, then I said "just a bag of bread sticks?"  He said okay and proceeded to take OUT 2  breadsticks of the bag leaving 3. *rolls eyes* REAL generous, Dad. But whatever, better than nothing. BoyKid and I ran back and gave it to the man.  When I asked if he wanted some bread, he smiled so big and said "Sure!"  Really motivated me to get working on those "Blessing Bags" like I've seen on Pinterest.


My dad is not really selfish.  It's just that he feels strongly about HOW he should be generous.  Like when he is donating to the poor, he feels like he should ONLY do so through the Church. I think that is a good thing, MOST of the time, but sometimes you should go elsewhere, too.  He also believes in taking care of your family first. I agree with that, too, but I think he still acts like we have money... going to expensive plays and out to dinner... when we don't. We are in debt.


ANYWAY, before the show there was this art instillation next to the theater with these weird wobbly things that apparently represented grass.  But to me it felt like we were fleas on a dog.  I LOVED IT!  I took a million pictures.

Finally we actually went in.  The play was much better than I thought!  They did a lot of very tricky things... very magical.  Though that new song about being nice to your toys? SUPER CREEPY!!!  One bad thing is that my new pill from Bones is STILL making me really sick and basically feel out of my body, so I had to leave for a bit and miss a song.  But over all it was still fun!  Very different than the movie though. (Also different from the Simpson's "Sherry Bobbins" which is what BoyKid and I kept remembering instead! Ha!)

 So then today for Tales for Tots we had the author and illustrator of "Invasion of the Grumpies" to come read their book.  It was fun.  The book is cute, though a bit wordy for the age group we cater to (though obviously a self-published deal) but clever writing.  And they were both really interesting guys.  I plan on having them come back again and we bought a copy of their book for the education department.  They took a LOT of pictures (you can see them here) They also had the kids draw their own Grumpies to put on the Facebook page.  Again, our group was a little young for that, so it was mostly MOMS drawing and then kids scribbling, but we teachers decided to participate. Mine is the one reading the red book. Rinny's is red (It's angry)


Several mantises have not made it, I think we are down to 4 or 5. :(  They are so cute, though.  I hope SOME of them thrive!


Anyway, that's the news!

Brady, I miss you, but today more than most.

Brady Howell was my cousin and my friend.  He was funny, let us follow him around when we were little calling him "Brady Bunch" but he was also a great man.  He was someone who could be looked up to and deserved it.  He was a hero.

This is a good audio interview with Uncle Ken and Aunt Kay, Brady's parents.

This article is about my cousin, Camille, Brady's sister.

And then this, well, it's just cool, too.


And that is all I am going to say about it all today.  Because other than recognizing how blessed I am to have the family I do, have the gospel in my life, and to live in this country, today just makes me feel sad.

At least the weather is nice...

Today I did so many PEOPLE THINGS! Like SOCIAL! Okay 2! That's "so many" right now, okay?

Yesterday was Doctor Day. I had an MRI on my stupid lower back. I had an appointment with Doogie Howser, my OBGYN. And I met my Psychiatrist, Dr. Rx. She was all no-nonsense and not much the TALKIE type... I have a psychologist, Dr. Jen, the New Dr. Apparently, for that. Dr. Jen is REALLY nice. I like her a lot! Dr. Rx, is good, too. And we are going to try some things. *sigh* Then I had physical therapy and really got worked over.

Today was GROUP Therapy for Chronic Pain people. I have never been to a Group Therapy thing but both the Psychologist and Psychiatrist really suggested it. So I wanted to try. And the group leader, well one of them, was my social worker lady, Half Pint, who I really like. It was good I went. It was good stuff... but kinda hard.

Not as hard as Relief Society, though. Why is that SO HARD? It's hard. Really bad. The headaches and the back stuff... those chairs just shred my nerves. It hurts so bad. And then the stupid stuff. Not knowing people. I start getting so stressed and nervous being there with people... I get so embarrassed to be there. Because people can TELL. Like they all have to come over and say "are you okay?" and I want them to ignore me. I want to disapear. And yet I want to belong. I know that makes NO SENSE. But that's where I am right now.

I DID stay the whole time.

But I cried on the car ride home.

Grrrr....

Anyway. I have been purposley avoiding watching any news shows about 9-11 today. I had a hard time when they mentioned the tragedy at the church thing. I am torn. I would be angry if the world forgot about 9-11. Ignored it, and those we lost. I would be furious. But let the WORLD remember.... let ME forget... right now. I am too iffy emotional right now to get on a dark spiral thinking about Brady, you know? But I do remember... I'm just CAN'T think yet. Not now. Okay?

I love my job I love my job *muttering to herself while rocking in a fetal position*

I love my job... right? I do, I know I have said so before. I am trying very VERY hard to remember that RIGHT NOW to keep from HATING it.

TLC tours... OH MY HELL. Death. 7th graders... teaching them to extract DNA... make fossil casts... do decorative cookie frosting... be insufferable pains.

Today has been really hard anyway. I mean besides work it is like everyone has to mention it is 9-11 every 4 minutes. I KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS. I don't want to watch "footage" set to patriotic music. I want to pretend my cousin Brady didn't die. But I can't because everyone keeps reminding me what happened 6 years ago. So trying not to think about the date, you know? But it is all over the news. So, umm, HERE!

Hee hee hee!

Funny stuff is... good.

Yeah.

SIGH.

The world is just... sad. I am sorry for the friends and family of the Miners (like Tiff and Big Cade and their peeps) . I am sorry for the friends and family of Camille Cleverly... although I guess closure is better than NON-closure. But still. My mom has been so worried... she kept saying "what if it were Rinny or You?!"

But yeah.

But I am glad that little boy was found quickly.

Also, this is the anniversary of another tragic day, which prompted a very random email to me from an Anti-Mormon stranger demanding that I, as a Mormon, "officially apologize for September dawn!" Yes, not for the Mountain Meadow Massacre... he actually called it September Dawn. Now, even though I should just ignore it, I admit, it took all my power not to respond "Oh, and I DO! I mean, I wasn't involved in making the movie at all, but I for one AM sorry it was made. I hear it REALLY sucked!"

However, I was nice and as I had just read about this (It actually HAS been apologized for before, btw, but yeah, Since it is so "public" right now, fine. Good.), I sent him the link to the official apology at LDS.org. Which says this:

11 September 2007 Elder Henry B. Eyring’s remarks at the Mountain Meadows Massacre Sesquicentennial on 11 September 2007, in Washington County, Utah.

Dear Friends—

I speak today, by assignment, on behalf of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In so doing, I express their appreciation for the invitation to participate on this program.

It is important and appropriate that we meet together on the occasion of the 150th anniversary of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. We gather as relatives of the massacre victims and perpetrators and as unrelated but interested and sympathetic parties. We gather to remember and to honor those whose lives were taken prematurely and wrongly in this once lush and pastoral valley.

We believe it is our obligation to understand and learn from the past. For this reason, the Church responded favorably several years ago to the request of three experienced and able historians, Ronald W. Walker, Richard E. Turley, Jr., and Glen M. Leonard, to cooperate with their researching of a book about the awful event that occurred here a century and a half ago. The book they are writing is nearly complete and will be published in coming months by Oxford University Press under the title Massacre at Mountain Meadows.

Although they are Church employees, the authors have retained full editorial control and have drawn their own conclusions from the exhaustive body of historical material they assembled. They have been given full access to all relevant materials held by the Church. Two of the significant conclusions they have reached are (1) that the message conveying the will and intent of Brigham Young not to interfere with the immigrants arrived too late, and (2) that the responsibility for the massacre lies with local leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the regions near Mountain Meadows who also held civic and military positions and with members of the Church acting under their direction.

Although no event in history can fully be known, the work of these three authors has enabled us to know more than we ever have known about this unspeakable episode. The truth, as we have come to know it, saddens us deeply. The gospel of Jesus Christ that we espouse, abhors the cold-blooded killing of men, women, and children. Indeed, it advocates peace and forgiveness. What was done here long ago by members of our Church represents a terrible and inexcusable departure from Christian teaching and conduct. We cannot change what happened, but we can remember and honor those who were killed here.

We express profound regret for the massacre carried out in this valley 150 years ago today and for the undue and untold suffering experienced by the victims then and by their relatives to the present time.

A separate expression of regret is owed to the Paiute people who have unjustly borne for too long the principal blame for what occurred during the massacre. Although the extent of their involvement is disputed, it is believed they would not have participated without the direction and stimulus provided by local Church leaders and members.

We know, too, that many of those who carried out the massacre were haunted all their lives by what they did and saw on that unforgettable day. They and their relatives have also suffered under a heavy burden of guilt. No doubt Divine Justice will impose appropriate punishment upon those responsible for the massacre. Nevertheless, our continued prayer for their relatives is that knowledge of a God who is both just and merciful will bring a measure of peace to their souls.

In 1999, President Gordon B. Hinckley returned and joined with many of you in dedicating the monument that stands near our place of assembly today. The Church has worked with descendant groups since then to maintain the monument and surrounding property and continues to improve and preserve these premises and to make them attractive and accessible to all who visit. We are committed to do so in the future.

Having reflected and commented on both the past and future of this hallowed meadow, we conclude by expressing our love and desire for reconciliation to all who have in any way been affected by what occurred at Mountain Meadows 150 years ago today. May the God of Heaven, whose sons and daughters we all are, bless us to honor those who died here by extending to one another the pure love and spirit of forgiveness which His Only Begotten Son personified, is our prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

"Your art was the prettiest art of all the art"

I am having a hard day today for no real reason.

My depression's just kind of kicking my butt at present. I was just watching Scrubs and the goofy ex-brother-in-law of Cox Brendan Fraser played reminded me so much of Brady... the silliness, seriously, was SO like him. Actually, he reminded me enough of Brady, I felt like calling my Mom or Megs and saying "watch Scrubs. Brendan Fraser is Brady!!!" except that I just KNEW, CRAP, he is TOO much like him, I bet he dies. And then he did. And I CRIED. I cried watching SCRUBS. Scrubs?! How lame is THAT?! It is a comedy! A funny one! Hence calling it a comedy... yeah. I am an idiot. SIGH.

Scrubs made me cry. But no. I refuse that answer. Brady being dead made me cry. Depression made me cry. Scrubs just happened to have a semi-serious moment at an inopportune time for me. Yeah.

Actually, I think this whole crazy mall shooting thing in Salt Lake, well, when it was happening it just ticked me off because it made me miss 24. (Yes, I am THAT selfish some days). But with the whole Memorial Service stuff for it today, I think it just has me thinking about Brady and 9-11 too much and just... yeah... everything.

But ANYWAY, today I went to to the doctor, Dr. HasaPsychoWife. He's the one that mostly deals with my diabetes and my depression... well, he's the one that isn't the biggest idiot anyway. He switched me from Glipizide to Actos for my diabetes, and after doing one of those dumb, long, "I want to curl up and die a) never b) rarely c) sometimes d) frequently e) always" questionnaires ("I'm an 8... Moooooorphiiiine!") also switched me BACK to Celexa instead of Lexapro and gave me a referral to a psychologist which is good since I have been needing one and so we will see how that all goes.

Anyway, then I *did* go to water aerobics like I promised at least so, hey, one triumph at least. After that I came home mixed up this month's BML for my gliders, watched The Office... and Scrubs... and laughed at both, naturally. Especially Jim turning into a vampire. And that bat was way too cute. I want a bat.... but my gliders are close enough. And I should go feed them now.

It's just been one of those days.

OH p.s. I am seriously applying for a position to develop the youth program at TGP. I'd be writing curriculum, filling in for tech support, helping tour guides, teaching, and, yes, probably end up taking care of hurt bunnies and cows and stuff!!! And dinosaurs! Not hurt ones... I mean I would be near the museum and I love that place. AND I would be working under my sister. But still, it would be a good job for me, if I can get it, and at least I don't apply directly TO my sister... I go to HR... and they report to my sister because she is even higher up dammitall. Sometimes... nevermind... yeah, good for her. She did good. She actually has a career. She has a career and a degree and I have scars and pills. ANYWAY, I still want the job. And, one positive of having Rinny for a boss is she actually IS good about changing schedules around to fit things... not just for family, I mean for all of her employees. Yeah. So it would be good. So I am applying and I hope I get it... I think.

Stumbling Blocks ~ Stepping Stones

What if I Stumble - D.c. Talk

[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is christians who acknowledge jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?

Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

(chorus)
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt Im feeling

(repeat chorus)

What if I stumble?
Everyones got to crawl when you know that
Youre up against a wall, its about to fall
Everyones got to crawl when you know that (2x)

I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change]

(repeat chorus 2x)

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my god

Is this one for the people, is this one for the lord?

Today, the Anniversary of 9-11, was not as bad as I thought it would be. Flags were flown and Mom and I talked about Brady on the way to the pool. But other than that I kept busy, avoided the TV in case there were specials, and went shoe shopping (BLEH!).

So that was my day of general avoidance of the subject. It's not anti-patriotic, you understand. It is a matter of self preservation and not curling up and crying with no help from my Celexa. I am proud of our country. I love America. I love those who serve it, whether as soldiers or civilians like Brady. But I just can't handle that much thinking today. Thank goodness it's over. I am ready to get on with this week about now.

Well, except for the whole, you know, rest of the week. Hee hee! I am NOT so ready for my classes. They are not going well, nor is the job search and I am in a fair amount of Debt. But I really WANT to succeed. So I will keep attempting my homework without breaking down into tears, and may even need to hire a tutor.

Right now, work-wise, I am just trying to find something to DO... but I am trying to really find something, like the sign language I am studying, to BE, if that makes any sense. I need a purpose. I don't feel like I have anything right now.

So... at least tonight... "I wanna be an ASL Interpreter when I grow up!"

Yeah. Other than that, well, there is trying to get my life under control with better health, Prayer and faith, FlyLady organization goals, and... I should be going to bed now. Blasted Insomnia.

Grrr...

The Brady Bunch makes me CRY!

I am trying not to think too much. Tomorrow is, obviously, September 11th. Actually, no, I guess technically TODAY is the 11th. Anyway, yeah. Trying really hard not to think much to keep from crying about Brady. My cousin Brady was such an awesome guy. I miss him. Liz (his wife) is on an LDS mission now, she has such awesome strength! I admire her, look up to her, and think her mission letters are hilarious. But I can hardly imagine dealing with today for her. It is hard enough just being me... his cousin and friend. But to be Brady's sweetheart? I just... wow.

I remember when it happened, my parents were on a Cruise in Alaska and I was tending my little brother. I remember thinking, "oh my gosh, the Pentagon?!" and freaking out. Then I finally talked to my mom when they came into port on the phone and she said not to worry, that Brady was fine, only a very small part of the Pentagon had been hit. Then Megs called later. She said he was missing. Our cousin Brady WAS in that part of the Pentagon, very likely. That was the beginning of it all.

I remember when we were little. Megs and Rinny and T-La and me followed him around being annoying and singing "The Brady Bunch" at the top of our lungs. I remember when he won a Yoda standy thing.. he was SUCH a Star Wars Geek!!! I remember when he married Liz and the invite freaked me out because she looks SO much like Camille (his sister) and we teased him for it. I remember when he wouldn't come home from his mission in the Canary Islands even when his LUNG COLLAPSED. And how cool it was that he got to be "a spy" like he wanted to.

The thing is, I know the country is remembering 9-11 tomorrow. And I applaud that, I do. But right now remembering is making me feel sick.

I don't want to remember right now.

I want to sleep...

maybe all through tomorrow.

Goodnight. "Happy" Patriot Day, America.

I miss you, Brady.
Oh, but hey, get this... you're famous... Wikipedia! (not that that's important. Just thought you'd like it.) Also, you would be so proud of Liz because she is, like, the medical person of the mission even though she is a regular proselyting one too! But you know that. Still, I am thoroughly entertained at the idea of embarrassed little elders having to talk to a Sister about, like, "Twisted Testicle." HA! NICE. Anyway, I miss you. The whole family does.